


The Plucky Duck Show

by Redtop1995



Category: Tiny Toon Adventures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-21 01:23:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 134,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6032985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redtop1995/pseuds/Redtop1995
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Plucky Duck is tired of being a second banana. He suddenly gets the urge to leave Tiny Toon Adventures in order to create his own show. When his aunt and uncle in Wisconsin invite him over to pay them a visit, Plucky immediately seizes this opportunity to look for ideas to make a good spinoff. </p><p>With his gal, Shirley the Loon and his friends, Hamton  J Pig and Fifi La Fume in tow, he sets off in search of fame and fortune! But, trouble lies ahead. Plucky isn't too keen on sharing the spotlight, so how will he manage working with his three co-stars? Will things go well?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Loneliest Number Since the Number Two

**THE PLUCKY DUCK SHOW**

**Pilot Episode:**

**“The Loneliest Number since the Number Two”**

**Act One**

_We see nothing but blackness for ten seconds. Suddenly, the bright light of a torch briefly shines on the camera before it moves away to reveal the face of_ **Plucky Duck** _grinning malevolently, holding the torch under his bill and creating creepy shadows._

 **Plucky:** BOO!

_He laughs for a beat, before his mirth slowly begins to weaken as if he has grown uncomfortably aware of the fact that nobody has laughed._

**Plucky:** (Bitterly) Everybody’s a critic. (Brightens up) Welcome to THE PLUCKY DUCK SHOW! That’s right: The Plucky Duck Show! Not Tiny Toon Adventures, MY show. A TV programme all about me which has NOTHING ta do with rabbits! (Chuckles evilly) Does anybody have any questions? No? Great. You may all be wondering: What has given me, the only reason people watch Tiny Toons, the urge to branch off from the show?

_He scratches his head with a contemplating expression._

**Plucky:** (Cheerfully) That’s a good question…for YOU! Y’see, ducks have always been given a raw deal under the command of Warner Bros! They’re afraid of the fact that we have superior acting prowess over RABBITS! That hasn’t stopped us though. (Reminiscing) I remember my extremely amazing mentor D.D carrying out his publicity stunt last week!

 _The camera ripples and distorts as we are about to enter a flashback. As the focus begins to reform, we suddenly get a view of a wreath of dandelions and a message which reads_ **“IN MEMORY OF DAFFY DORK: 1937-1992”** _We can see that the “O” in “DORK” has been crossed out and has been replaced with a tiny “U” over it. We can see tombstones in the background and the Funeral March can be heard being played badly on a kazoo. Instead of the sounds of sobbing as the camera pans out to reveal the mourners, we can hear casual chatter._

 **Foghorn Leghorn** _stands on a podium near the wreath as the pallbearers approach it. They consist of_ **Rocky** _,_ **Mugsy** _,_ **Nasty Canasta** _,_ **Cottontail Smith** _,_ **Elmer Fudd** _and_ **Yosemite Sam** _. Everybody, except_ **Elmer** _, has a sardonic expression which implies that they were forced to go to this ceremony._

 **Elmer:** (Sobbing) Wh-Why did he have to g-go?? AND WHY COUWDN’T I HAVE SHOT HIM?!

 _Instead of placing the coffin gently on the podium, the pallbearers toss it. It hits the podium with a CRASH, knocking the wreath over._ **Foghorn** _looks indignant, but it’s due to the fact that the coffin nearly hit him._

 **Yosemite** **Sam:** (To **Foghorn** ) Jus’ get this over with, ya razzafrazzin’ blowhard! Ah got me a date with a casino!

 **Foghorn** _clears his throat as the pallbearers go to sit down. As everybody goes silent, he begins to speak._

 **Foghorn:** (To the **"Mourners"** ) As ah stand before all ‘o’ y’all, ah won, ah say, ah wonder one thing. Why, ah say, why is it that this great Toon has gone to that high, ah say, high-larious place in the sky so soon? (To the camera, sardonically) ‘Specially when he owes me fifty bucks. (To the **"Mourners"** ) Ah suppose, ah say, ah suppose there is one thing that comforts us at this ter-ri-ble time! And that is that we all get the rest of the day off!

 **"Mourners":** A-MEN!

 **Foghorn** _steps down as_ **Bugs** _approaches the podium to give his eulogy. We can see that the rabbit is munching on a carrot. He swallows it before he speaks._

 **Bugs:** (To the coffin) Ehh, What’s Up…Dead Duck? (To the **"Mourners"** ) Daffy was one ‘o’ da greatest Toons in all da woild!

 _The camera cuts to_ **Foghorn** _sitting next to_ **Henery Hawk** _and_ **Miss Prissy** _with the mourners._

 **Foghorn:** (Bitterly) What, ah say, what a load of bullsh-

 _The camera cuts back to_ **Bugs** _._

 **Bugs:** I mean: who else am I gonna harass wit’ a paintbrush when I get bored? Who else is gonna wash our cars? Who else is gonna get shot by Elmer? 

 _We hear_ **Elmer** _bawling offscreen._  

 **Bugs:** So, I decided dat, in his honour, we would give ‘um a twenty-one gun salute, ‘cos dat’s what he woulda wanted.

_He races off the podium, leaving the coffin alone._

**Bugs:** (Offscreen) Okay, boys: FIRE AWAY!!

 _Twenty-one hunters emerge from behind the tombstones and immediately begin shooting the casket, obscuring it in a cloud of grey smoke. After ten seconds, the hunters stop firing and the sarcophagus is burnt, charred and smoking._ **Bugs** _walks back up to the podium to examine it. He then looks skyward._

 **Bugs:** Give us a sign dat you’ve arrived, Daff!

 _The lid of the coffin abruptly bursts open. To everybody’s surprise, a burnt and hole-ridden_ **Daffy** _emerges from it, coughing out black smoke._

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen) IT’S A MIRACLE!!

 _There is an uncomfortable silence as everybody stares at_ **Daffy** _. Suddenly, he gets down on one knee as if he’s on stage._

 **Daffy:** (Sings) Greetingth! My name ith-a Daffy!

 _He is cut off as the mourners begin to boo him and we hear the sounds of people leaving._ **Bugs** _walks offscreen in disgust._

 **Daffy:** (Protesting) Aw, come on!! I jutht want thome attention!

 _He gets splattered with tomatoes as the flashback ends and we cut back to_ **Plucky** _in the blackness._

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) D.D told me later on in prison that he only faked his death so that he wouldn’t hafta pay taxes…and because he owed Professor Foghorn fifty bucks. I wanna pull off something just as spectacular as him. So, I decided that I was gonna go it alone and make my own show ta rival the show I’m currently on! The question is: how am I gonna do that?

_Abruptly, the lights turn on to reveal that he is in his bedroom with the curtains closed. We hear his father speaking offscreen._

**Mr Duck:** (Offscreen) Plucky, will ya stop talkin’ to yerself an’ get ready for school?!

 **Plucky** _looks at the camera with chagrin and he turns the torch off._

 

**Act Two**

_We cut to the exterior of Acme Loo._ **Plucky** _can be seen walking towards the statues of_ **Bugs** _and_ **Daffy** _. His eyes are gleaming as he approaches the eternal sneer of the sculpture of his mentor._

 **Plucky:** (Glowingly) Here’s the best part of goin’ ta school! This statue of D.D: the funniest Looney Tune who shoulda been in charge ‘o’ this dump. _He looks around to see whether the coast is clear…and then rushes over to the_ **Bugs** _statue, climbs up it and paints a black moustache on its face._ (To the camera) Well, somebody has ta do it while D.D’s in the slammer!

 _The camera cuts to the clock tower. Suddenly,_ **Gogo Dodo** _emerges from it with a megaphone._

 **Gogo:** Cuckoo! Cuckoo! If you’re plannin’ on goin’ AWOL, you’re Cuckoo! Cuckoo! (Flatly) Oh, yeah…an’ yer late for class.

 **Plucky:** (To the camera, snarky) When I get MY own show, I won’t hafta go ta places where ducks are given a raw deal…

 _He walks offscreen. As he does so,_ **Byron Basset** _meanders up to the_ **Daffy** _statue and lifts a leg. The camera then cuts to a view of the_ **“WAY-OUT PHILOSOPHY CLUB”** _before we fade to the long table in the Meeting room. The only Toons who are there, however, are_ **Fifi La Fume** _and_ **Shirley the Loon** _. There are sheets of paper on the table, possibly notes._

 **Fifi:** (Briskly) Salut, Shirley. Ah am glad zat vous were able to join moi today.

 **Shirley:** Like, no problem. (Concerned) Although, aren’t ya worried about bein’ outta class?

 **Fifi:** (Giggles) Do not worry. Ah explained to Professeur Pepe et ‘e was trés understanding.

 **Shirley:** (Reading one of the sheets) Like, we’re one short. There’s supposed ta be three people attendin’ yer meeting. (To **Fifi** ) Shouldn’t we wait for Babs ta show up before we start, or some junk?

 **Fifi:** (Clears her throat) Babs ‘as not been asked to, how-you-say, ascend.

 **Shirley:** (Correcting) Attend.

 **Fifi:** (Continues) Ah believe zat she would not like what ah am going to talk about.

 **Shirley:** (Shocked) Yer not gonna talk about that incident in the showers after the Acme Bowl, are ya?!

 **Fifi:** Non, ah am not. (Smirks) Although, eet was trés amusant… (Calmly) Ze third member shall arrive soon. ‘E ‘as been summoned.

 **Shirley:** (Puzzled) Like, he?

 **Fifi:** Oui. Eet shall not be long before ‘e arrives, so let us begin.

_She clears her throat._

**Fifi:** (Business-like) As vous know, ah ‘ave un, how-you-say, ambition to be come ze president of ze Frères Warner!

 **Shirley:** (Dumbfounded) Like, I didn’t know that!

 **Fifi:** (Impatiently) Well, now vous do.

 _She shows_ **Shirley** _a document with the_ **WB** _symbol on the top left corner._

 **Fifi:** (Business-like) Pour some reason zat eez trés ridicule; vous cannot just become ze president by asking. Vous ‘ave to do something zat benefits ze network.

 **Shirley:** Such as?

 **Fifi:** (Weakly) Ah do not know. (Confidently) Mais ah ‘ave un idea! Ah ‘ave decided zat ah shall impress ze Frères Warner…by coming up avec un new show! _As_ **Shirley’s** _eyes widen, she grins._ Starring four members of ze Tiny Toons cast, including us!

 _There is a long silence as we see a thought bubble appearing above the loon’s head. A sobbing_ **Babs** _appears in it._

 **Babs:** (Bawling) SAY IT AIN’T SO-HO-HO-HO!!!

_The thought bubble abruptly pops._

**Shirley:** (Beat) Like, now I see why ya didn’t ask Babs to attend or some junk. (Seriously) Do ya have any idea how much trouble you could get into, Feef?!

 **Fifi:** (Unconcerned) Ah know ze risks, Shirley. Vat eez life without eet, non? Zat eez why ze third member ‘as ‘ad to find research dans secret. ‘Opefully, ‘e shall ‘ave something pour us to use dans ze show. ‘E told moi ‘e ‘ad un bon idea where to start…

 **Shirley:** (Worried) Like, he better be good. Ya know how good Babs is at getting information outta Toons. If she or Buster finds out…

 **Fifi:** (Complacently) Ah ‘ave faith dans ‘im. Ah believe zat both ‘im et vous shall ‘elp moi become ze president. Vous both shall be given trés grand positions!

_She looks up at the clock in the far left corner of the meeting room._

**Fifi:** (Cheerfully) Ah! ‘E eez coming.

 **Shirley:** (Baffled) Like, how d’ya know that? I’m totally the psychic on this show-

 _Suddenly, the doors to the meeting room slowly begin to open._ **Shirley** _looks shocked and a little apprehensive._ **Fifi** _, however, just relaxes in her chair and closes her eyes with a triumphant smile. The song_ **“Also Sprach Zarathustra”** _begins to play as_ **Shirley** _squints at the door as it opens. Finally, it’s completely ajar, and we see_ **Hamton J Pig** _standing in the doorway. He is carrying a briefcase._

 **Hamton:** (Happily waving) Fifi! It’s me! Am I late?

 **Fifi:** Au contraire, mon bonbon de plasir. Tu are right on time!

 **Hamton** _cheerfully crosses the threshold, closing the door behind him._ **Shirley** _looks confused, then she looks at the camera, as if silently asking the audience whether they knew this was coming._

 **Hamton:** (Good-naturedly) Oh, hello, Shirley! I didn’t know you were attending.

 **Fifi:** Zere ‘as been un change of plan, mon cher. Did tu find ze place okay?

 **Hamton:** (Chuckles) Oh, sure. I was worried about bein’ late, so I came ta school five hours early. I’m sure Mr Puma appreciated the help. He says he’s NEVER been able ta clean the basketball hoops before!

 **Fifi:** Oui, zat eez nice. Now, can tu give us your research, s'il vous plaît?

 **Hamton** _seems a bit more reluctant to join them as he sits down and places his briefcase on the table._

 **Hamton:** (Uneasily) Um... ya won’t like this, Fifi... (Hastily) It’s not that I’ve done nothing!

 **Fifi:** (Confused) Vat? Vat ‘ave tu done, Hamtone?

 **Hamton:** (Reluctantly) I...uh...I thought that...

 **Shirley:** (Bored) Like, ya thought that a show featuring Pl-ucky as the main star would be a good idea.

 _As_ **Fifi** _looks from_ **Shirley** _to_ **Hamton** _with confusion, the pig speaks._  

 **Hamton:** (Sighs) Yes...

_He opens the briefcase and takes out several sheets of paper._

**Hamton:** (Nervously) Y’see, Plucky’s a kind of ambitious guy.

 **Fifi:** (Suspicious) Ah see...

 **Hamton:** I-I thought that the folks at Warner Bros would like a...erm...a kind of underdog!

 **Shirley:** (Puzzled) Like, are you sure, Hammy? Warner Bros is the company that totally kisses the ground an animal-abusing sociopath walks on, or some junk.

 **Hamton:** (More confidently) Well, that’s what I was kinda going for. Plucky is selfish, greedy, attention-seeking, deluded, etc. In short...

 **Fifi:** (Bitterly) Un carbon copy of Professeur Canard...

 **Hamton:** Well, he doesn’t have a lisp, but that’s the only difference. I digress. He’ll go to any great lengths ta one-up anyone more superior to him. He often fails...but his tenacity is commendable.

 **Fifi:** (Loftily) Ah suppose ‘e does, mon cher. Mais, ah refuse to pitch un show avec zat cretin as ze star!

_She folds her arms, and looks as if she is about to order her boyfriend to find another idea for a TV show. The pig senses this and speaks once more._

**Hamton:** (Hastily) It won’t just be about him.

 **Fifi:** (Sulkily) Ah suppose eet shall ‘ave completely different stars, non?

 **Hamton:** M-Maybe, but... it’ll also be about Shirley, you...a-and me.

 **Shirley’s** _eyes light up and so do_ **Fifi’s** _. They stare at_ **Hamton** _as if he’s just uttered an offensive word._

 **Shirley:** (Perplexed) L-Like, us? What made ya think that?

 **Hamton:** (To **Shirley** ) W-Well, since you’re dating Plucky...

 **Shirley:** (Slightly indignant) Like, how’d ya know that?

 **Hamton:** (Flatly) Fowlmouth told me. (To **Fifi** ) I thought that Plucky needed a foil other than me. Besides, I reckon you both need more screentime than you’re getting right now. Ya deserve it.

 **Fifi:** (Musing) Zat we do. (Puzzled) Mais ‘ow do tu think zat Plucky will allow ze both of us to be dans ‘is show? Tu of all toons know zat ‘e eez, how-you-say, stingy!

 **Hamton:** Trust me, Feef. My sidekick instincts tell me that he’s about to go off on some crazy adventure, and he’ll ask Shirley ta come because he’ll probably hope he’ll get lucky...

 **Shirley:** (Bored) Like, he totally will.

 **Hamton:** ...And he’ll force me ta come because he won’t go without  somebody ta take the heat. I’ll just tell him that you want to come with me an’ I’m not going anywhere without ya.

 **Fifi:** (Beat) Ah...ah suppose zat if it will ‘elp ma chances of becoming ze president of ze company... _She contemplates this idea._ Un show avec zat duck? (Sadly) Zat will not work!

 **Hamton:** Well, if it doesn’t, th-then perhaps you can find ideas for another show on the way!

 **Fifi** _ponders this suggestion. She turns to look at_ **Shirley** _, silently asking what she thinks about this suggestion._

 **Shirley:** (Assuringly) Like, I know ya hate Plucky, but I’ll totally make sure he doesn’t annoy ya. Anyway, perhaps somethin’ might happen that makes him a better duck. 

 _The camera zooms in on_ **Fifi** _as she begins to ponder this proposal, when suddenly, we cut to an extreme close up of_ **Plucky’s** _horrified face._

 **Plucky:** (Shocked, to the camera) OH MY GOODNESS, ARE YOU GUYS OKAY?! Ya just sat through ten minutes of a scene I wasn’t in! _The camera pans out to reveal that he is in_ **Elmer’s** _classroom._ (Sternly, to the camera) Don’t you EVER wander off like that, again!

 _The camera pans over to an irate_ **Elmer Fudd** _as he has been interrupted while he was carrying out his lecture._

 **Elmer:** Pwucky, tawking to youwsewf is the fiwst sign of wunacy! (Pleased) Gweat job! _He returns to his lecture. Before_ **Plucky** _can say anymore, the PA speaker suddenly turns on. The booming, terrifying voice of the_ **Principal** _speaks through it._

 **Principal:** (Furious) Can Mr Plucky Duck please report to my office...IMMEDIATELY?!

_We hear a thunderclap and the camera cuts to the green duck’s frightened face._

**Principal:** (Cheerfully) That is all.

 _Everybody stares at_ **Plucky** _as he reluctantly stands up and walks towards the door._

 **Plucky:** (Thinking) What’ve I done?? I’m completely innocent. I always have been! (Bitterly) It’s duck discrimination, that’s what it is! Well. We-heh-heh-hell, I won’t stand it! I’ll stand my ground! I’ll show ‘em just how strong ducks can be!!

 

**Act Three**

_We cut to the_ **Principal’s** _office, where a tearful_ **Plucky** _is on his knees, sobbing his heart out._

 **Plucky:** (Sobbing) PLEASE HAVE MERCY!! I DON’T DESERVE THIS PUNISHMENT! (Infuriated) I’ll sue you AND yer biased industry for this blatant speciesism!

 _The camera cuts to an unimpressed_ **Bugs** _watching him, munching a carrot as he drums his fingers on the desk._

 **Bugs:** I haven’t said anyt’in‘ yet!

 **Plucky** _stops crying and glares up at him accussingly._

 **Plucky:** (Angry) Well, I just KNOW ya will! Just like how ya threw D.D in the slammer just because he faked his death!

 **Bugs:** (Sternly) An’ ya better quit yer stupid protest regardin’ dat. (Calmly) Now, listen. I’ve jus’ had a phone call from yer dad. It’s about yer aunt an’ uncle, they’ve invited ya ta go an’ visit ‘em in Wisconsin. 

 **Plucky:** (Beat) Is this why you ordered me ta come to yer office?

 **Bugs:** Yeah. I’m givin’ ya time off so you can go. (To the camera) As a teacher, I ain’t supposed ta do dat, but if it means I won’t hafta put up with ‘um, I’m happy. With dat said, I’m tempted ta do it to one of da other students.

 _He presents a sheet of paper which says:_ **EXPULSION PAPERS FOR ELMYRA DUFF.**

 **Bugs:** (To **Plucky** ) Yer dad would take ya, but he still ain’t forgiven ya for tryin’ ta sell his golf clubs. 

 **Plucky:** (Bitterly) That figures.

 **Bugs:** I recommend ya start yer journey after school. You’ll have a long way ta go. (Chuckles) Ya could even make a spinoff show if ya wanted to! _Upon hearing this,_ **Plucky’s** _eyes light up._ (To **Plucky** ) Well, dat’s all, uh, folk. _He points to the door._ Off ya go!

 **Plucky** _turns and walks out of the office. It is obvious that he is deep in thought about what_ **Bugs** _has said._

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Perhaps this journey to my aunt’s house in Wisconsin is the perfect way for me ta create my own show. After all, the writer’s done this sorta thing before! (Muses) Hmmm... Although it ain’t possible, there’s a chance that people won’t watch a show that’s just about me... I need some co-stars...that aren’t rabbits. (Slyly) I have an idea who I’m gonna hire.

 _The camera cuts to the cafeteria, where_ **Plucky** _is striding over to_ **Shirley** _. She is sat on a table with_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _eating a tofu burger. The vomit-green duck looks extremely smug at what he’s about to do._

 **Plucky:** (Confidently, to the camera) Take notes, folks! I’m gonna be doin’ something that was barely touched upon on Tiny Toons! _He takes out a mirror and admires himself._ Watch as I convince that lavish loon to join me in my superior spinoff. Watch as she grows awestruck at my ardent awesomeness. Watch, my little droogies, as I-

 **Shirley:** (Annoyed) Like, what is it, Plucky?

 **Plucky:** (Digging his webbed toes into the ground bashfully like Jimmy Stewart asking for a date) Um....Shirl? How would ya feel ... about travelling to Wisconsin with me? ...We could have a romantic getaway up at a cabin in the woods?

 **Shirley:** (Eyeing the duck suspiciously) Rilly? Like _yew_ have a cabin in the woods? Up in like - Wisconsin?

 **Plucky:** Well... it's not really mine - it's on the land on the farm where my Aunt and Uncle live...It'd be totally fu-un! C'mon!

 **Shirley:** Lemme get this straight - Like _yew_ want _Me_ to meet yer relatives out in the sticks?

 **Plucky:** Uhhhh..........Yeah!

 **Shirley:** (Suddenly grabbing him, overflowing with romance) You totally mean like meeting them to announce our engagement and upcoming wedding??

 **Plucky:** Hey, let's not rush things too fast....I mean.......uh.... maybe...

 **Shirley:** (Snapping out of it) Like - Nope. not fallin' for it, Plucky. Ah'm not gonna go become yer first conquest - Not until you     commit - Totally ta me."

 **Plucky:** Don't worry- (thinking quickly) Hamton's goin' with us!

 **Hamton:** I am? **Plucky** _elbows him._ Oh! I am!

 **Plucky:** See? Nothing to worry about.

 **Shirley:** As long as Hammy's going along- _She grabs_ **Fifi**. Then, like, Fifi can come with us too!

 **Fifi:** (adamantly) Non! Je do not play chaperone` to zee undairhanded horny duck!

 **Shirley** _whispers urgently in_ **Fifi's** ear. **Fifi** _grins and whispers back into_ **Shirley's** _ear._ **Plucky** and **Hamton** _grow annoyed as the girls continue whispering only to each other._

 **Fifi:** Oui! We WEEL play chaperone` to zee frisky fowl! 

 **Fifi** _grabs_ **Hamton** _with her usual fervent ardour._  

 **Fifi:** Aftair all - une cabeen can hold four as well as Deux! Non? 

**Fifi** _smothers_ **Hamton** _with kisses and lipstick._

**Hamton:** OoooOoo! Oui! We can!

 **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _melt together into a cooing moaning pink and purple puddle on the ground._

 **Plucky:** (suddenly angry) Whadaya mean I gotta share the trip with the stinky- 

 **Shirley** _suddenly embraces him passionately and makes a pleading , begging, huge anime eyes "PLEASE?" grin while she hugs him in an Elmyra-like death-grip_.

 **Plucky:** (his green face now blue) ...............okay...

 **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _reform into their bodies and grin romantically at each other,_ **Shirley** _smiles angelically with closed eyes as she embraces_ **Plucky** , _who does a silent SLOW_ _BURN_.

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) What the heck just happened?

 _He reaches out and grabs_ **Hamton** _by the straps of his overalls._

 **Plucky:** (Grimly, to **Hamton** ) We need ta talk…

 _As_ **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _look on with mingled amusement and confusion,_ **Plucky** _pulls an office door out of his pocket and yanks the pig through it, slamming it shut so that the girls can’t hear what he is about to say._

 **Hamton:** (Confused) Wh-What’s up, Plucky?

 **Plucky:** (Accusingly) I know your little secret, Ham-Brain. I know EXACTLY what’s going on!

 **Hamton:** (Flabbergasted) What?! I didn’t do anything!

 **Plucky:** (Vehemently) Yes, you did! You knew that I wanted ta make a spinoff so ya blabbed it all ta Shirl an’ that putrid polecat!

 **Hamton:** I-I… (Sheepishly) Well, yes, I did.

 **Plucky:** Tell me. Tell me how ya found out! I’ve always kept that ambition a secret!

 **Hamton** _looks at the camera as though deep in thought. Suddenly, we are given a flashback of_ **Plucky** _and_ **Hamton** _lounging in what appears to be the pig’s living room._

 **Plucky:** Y’know, I would kill ta have my very own spinoff!

 _The scene changes to_ **Plucky** _and_ **Hamton** _playing an offscreen video game on a console which parodies the SNES. The green duck looks frustrated. He appears to be losing this unknown game. Finally…_

 **Video Game:** Player 2: YOU LOSE!!

 **Plucky:** (Frustrated) FOR THE LOVE OF SCHLESINGER!! (To **Hamton** ) Y’know what’s worse? Not havin’ my own show!

 _The scene changes to_ **Plucky** _and_ **Hamton** _in their sports gear, playing basketball in the gym. We can see_ **Lil’ Beeper** _rushing around in a referee’s attire._

 **Plucky:** I hate sports. I’d love a spinoff, though!

 _He is abruptly hit in the face by a basketball and is knocked offscreen. The screen undulates as the flashback comes to an end and we cut back to_ **Hamton** _._

 **Hamton:** (To **Plucky** ) I’m a part-time psychic.

 **Plucky:** (Beat) An’ there’s another thing. I’m more than willing ta have Shirl on my show, an’ to a lesser extent…you. _He opens the door slightly and points at_ **Fifi**. But why’s she coming?!

 **Hamton:** (Indignantly) Fifi happens ta be MY girlfriend.

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) WHAT?! Since when?!

 **Hamton:** (Cheerily) 2 years this October.

 **Plucky:** (Dumbfounded) I never knew that!

 **Hamton:** Well, with all due respect, you never pay attention.

 **Plucky:** If you two are together, then…then, she’s cheatin’ on ya!

 **Hamton:** (Sternly) No, she isn’t, Plucky. Fifi’s just doing what the script says. _He folds his arms._ If you wanna make a spinoff show outta your trip ta Wisconsin, I’m not goin’ without her.

 **Plucky:** Fine! I can make a show without you, anyway!

_He opens the door and walks through it._

**Plucky:** (Complacently) I’m sure they’ll understand.

 _There is a beat, before there is a thunderclap and the screen flashes black and white._ **Hamton** _cringes as a burnt and charred_ **Plucky** _staggers back into the shot._

 **Plucky:** (Coughs) Change of plan. You an’ yer girlfriend are coming.

 

**Act Four**

_The camera cuts back to the meeting room of the_ **“WAY-OUT PHILOSOPHY CLUB”**.   **Plucky** _can be seen wearing a business uniform as he gives a presentation._ **Shirley** _and_ **Fifi** _look amused, but not impressed, whereas_ **Hamton** _is taking notes and listening intently._

 **Plucky:** (Superciliously) Are any of you aware of where Wisconsin is? **Hamton** _eagerly raises his hand._ (To **Hamton** ) Yes?

 **Hamton:** (Rattling) Wisconsin is a state in the North-Central area of the United States. It’s bordered by Minnesota to the West, Iowa to the South-West…

 **Plucky:** (Exasperated, interrupting) No, that’s not it!

 **Shirley:** (Bored) Like, yes it is, Plucky.

 **Plucky:** (Confused) What?

 **Shirley** _takes out a map of the United States._

 **Shirley:** Like, Wisconsin IS in the North-Central area of the USA.

 **Fifi:** (Puzzled) Eez eet? Ah always thought zat eet was dans le sud.

 **Shirley:** Like, mondo incorrect, Feef, it’s always been in the... 

 **Plucky:** (Angrily interrupting) WE ALL KNOW IT’S IN THE NORTH, OKAY?! 

 **Fifi:** (Indignantly) How trés rude... 

 **Plucky:** Wisconsin is where my Aunt and Uncle live! Now, Principal Bugs has given me time off so I could travel to the NORTH CENTRAL and visit ‘em. (Haughtily) I believe that, thanks to my superior intellect, I could take advantage of the amount of time it’ll take for me to get there to create my very own show...(Indifferently) With you guys as secondary characters.  

 **Hamton:** (Confused) We’re secondary characters? B-But that’s not what we talked about at the last meeting!  

 **Plucky:** (Baffled) Last meeting? What last meeting? This is our first one!  

 **Fifi:** Zat eez not true, Plucky. Hamtone, Shirley et moi ‘ad un petit discussion zis matin.  

 **Shirley:** (Hastily) Although it is, like, the first meeting that you’ve attended, or some junk.  

 **Plucky:** (Suspicious) Y’mean you guys have been conspiring behind my back? 

 **Shirley:** Um, like, conspiring is such a strong word, or some junk, but... (Bluntly) Yes, we have.  

 **Fifi:** Permittez-moi to explain vat we ‘ave talked about, Plucky... 

 _We cut to the clock. The hands begin to spin in fast motion, indicating the time flying by. Finally, the camera cuts back to_ **Plucky** _as he strokes his beak, obviously pondering something._

**Plucky:** (In deep thought) Sooooo... In order for you ta become the WB President, you’re going ta come up with a show starring me... 

 **Hamton:** (Interrupting) And Fifi, Shirley and I!  

 **Plucky:** (Dismissively) Yeah, yeah, whatever. (Seriously) So, you guys are taking advantage of my superior acting talent in order ta get higher in the world, are you? 

 **Hamton:** No, not at all! (Puzzled) What makes ya think that?  

 **Plucky:** (Sarcastically) Only the fact that you an’ yer stinky sweetheart appear to have shoehorned yourselves into my perfect plan for a spinoff! 

 **Shirley** _gives her boyfriend a warning glance, but the damage has been done. The purple skunkette glares at the green duck._  

 **Fifi:** (Angry) Ah do not know if vous were, how-you-say, paying attention. Ah doubt zat vous were. Ah could ‘elp vous become un star if ah am able to field... 

 **Hamton:** (Gently correcting) Pitch... 

 **Fifi:**...PITCH our idea pour un show starring ze quatre of us to ze WB Executives. Eet shall benefit all of us! 

 **Plucky:** Hmph!

_He turns away from them with his bill in the air._

**Plucky:** All I can see is that YOU get more screentime. I won’t just have forgettable characters in MY show! If I did that, we may as well have Generic Brown Mouse join us! 

 **Hamton:** (Excited) Ooh! Can we ask Lightning ta come? 

 **Plucky** _suddenly turns around, his face confused._  

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled) Who?

_He shakes his head and continues to rant._

**Plucky:** (Ranting)If you’re on this show, people’ll expect ya ta have bigger roles. I DESERVE BIGGER ROLES! It’s MY show! 

 **Shirley:** (Bored) Like, it ain’t a show, yet.  

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled, to **Shirley** ) Excuse me?

 **Shirley:** Well, Warner Bros ain’t aware of our plan ta make a spinoff show, or some junk. An’ they can’t unless we visit the studio on the way to yer aunt’s house.  

 **Fifi:** (Smugly) Mais if vous do not like ze idea of moi dans your show, we can always find another idea pour un television programme on ze journey, no?  

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** and **Shirley** ) Perhaps Saul would like his own show? 

 **Plucky:** (Deadpan, to the camera) Am I the only one that notices the blackmail here? (Baffled) An’ who the heck is Saul? (To **F,S** & **H** ) Y’know what, fine! Ta quote Burger King, have it your way!

 _He throws his hands in the air._ _They snap off of his wrists._

 **Plucky:** (Sourly) You can be in my show, but don’t start whinging once you’ve got what ya want!

 _His hands fall back down and bonk him on the head._

**Fifi:** (Cheerfully) Je suis trés hereux zat vous ‘ave seen ze sense, Plucky. Vous shall not regret zis.  

 **Plucky:** (Bluntly) I already do.  

 **Fifi’s** _happy smile slowly fades as_ **Plucky** _stares her down. Before they can spar,_ **Hamton** _interrupts._

**Hamton:** (Nervously) Soooooo... Plucky! Since yer dad won’t take us ta Wisconsin... How’re we gonna get there? 

 **Shirley:** (Concerned) Like, yeah... Mondo problemo...  

 **Plucky:** (Sulkily) Hey! My only job in the show is acting. Stuff like that’s your problem! 

 **Fifi** _glares at_ **Plucky** _, but the pig speaks again as if he is trying to stop any conflict arising._

 **Hamton:** Well, uh, if that’s the case, th-then I guess I know somebody who could give us a ride!  

 

**Act Five**

_The camera cuts to a terrified_ **Plucky** _, who appears to be clinging onto a fire hydrant in terror. We zoom out to reveal that_ **Hamton** _is trying to pull him towards a currently unknown location._

**Plucky:** (Genuinely terrified) NO! NOOOOOO!!!! 

 **Hamton:** (Straining) Honestly, Plucky, I don’t see what the big deal is! Uncle Stinky said he was more than glad ta take us ta Wisconsin! 

 **Plucky:** (Screaming) NO!! HIGH-TOPS!! TATTERED OVERCOAT!! PALE COMPLEXION!! 

 **Hamton:** (To the camera) Y’know, there were reports of an escaped maniac with that description... (To **Plucky** ) I honestly don’t see what yer problem is! Fifi doesn’t mind him!  

 **Plucky:** (Sarcastically) Oh, what a surprise! 

 **Shirley** _walks up to them with a peg on her bill. She looks unimpressed by her boyfriend’s behaviour._

**Shirley:** (Her voice nasally due to the peg) Like, Pl-ucky! Yer behaviour is mondo uncool. Ya wanted us ta find transport, an’ we have. Quit whinin’ an’ be a man, err, duck, or some junk.  

 **Plucky** _suddenly lets go of the fire hydrant, and he and_ **Hamton** _fly backwards, crashing into the wall of what appears to be a mobile home._ **Fifi** _walks over to the green duck and immediately rips him off of_ **Hamton** _._

**Fifi:** (Deadly calm, to **Plucky** ) Zere eez something ah ‘ave forgotten to tell vous. Ah ‘ave been watching your cartoons avec Hamtone, et ah find your treatment of ‘im...disturbing. When vous are not acting...ah would think zat eet would be wise eef vous do NOT harm un single hair on ‘is head.  

 **Plucky:** (Cheerfully) That’ll be easy! He doesn’t have any hair!

_The camera cuts to him sporting a black eye and a bloody nose._

**Plucky:** (Bitterly) Women...can’t take a joke!   

 _The camera cuts to_ **Hamton** _talking to_ **Uncle Stinky** _as_ **Shirley** _climbs aboard the mobile home. Please note that_ **Uncle Stinky** _doesn’t speak except for snorts and grunts. His translations are shown in brackets._

**Hamton:** Thanks again for takin’ us ta Wisconsin with ya, Uncle Stinky!  

 **Uncle Stinky:** (It is of no difficulty whatsoever, dearest nephew. Merrily, I was rolling along to the North Central to wallow alongside my closest companions in a mixture of water and soil at a yearly competition.) 

 **Hamton:** (To the camera) Uncle Stinky has such a way with words! 

 **Shirley** _emerges from the mobile home._  

 **Shirley:** Like, he’s also got such a way with cleanliness, too!  (To the camera) Mondo ironic, I know.  

 _We cut to a view of the mobile home’s interior. It’s so spotless, it’s creepy._ **Fifi** _suddenly emerges from the bathroom, green mist billowing out behind her._ **Shirley** _turns green and begins to hack and cough, while_ **Hamton** _and_ **Uncle Stinky** _sigh with satisfaction._

 **Fifi:** (To the camera, indignant) Quoi? Ah was just washing ma ‘ands!  

 _She crosses over to join_ **Shirley** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Uncle Stinky** _as the musk begins to clear out, when_ **Plucky** _, who has rid himself of his injuries, appears in the doorway._

 **Plucky:** (Impatiently, to the group) I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but this show is supposed ta be about me…not you! Stop takin’ up my screentime!

_He looks around in confusion._

**Plucky:** (Puzzled) By the way…why’re we settin’ off from Hammy’s house? 

 **Hamton:** Uh, well, Uncle Stinky was staying here until he had ta go back to Wisconsin.  

 **Fifi:** Et we thought zat we should make our departure, how-you-say, high-key.   

 **Hamton:** (Gently correcting) Low-key…

 **Plucky:** (Baffled) What does the god of mischief hafta do with it? 

 **Shirley:** Like, what they mean is that we’re keeping our exit quiet. If the others find out what we’re gonna do, we’ll totally be in trouble! 

 **Plucky:** Hmmm… (To **Shirley** ) You have a point, my meditating mistress! (Bitterly) If those scene-stealing rabbits discover my…

 _He balks as_ **Fifi** _glares at him_.

 **Plucky:** (Quickly correcting himself) Uh, OUR plan for a superior spinoff, they’ll go cryin’ ta Steven!  

 **Hamton:** (Sighs) Tell me about it… 

 **Fifi:** (To **Uncle Stinky** ) So, zen… are we ready pour ze off, Uncle Stinky?  

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Verily!)  

 **Shirley:** Like, look out, Wisconsin, here we come!  

 **Uncle Stinky** _crosses over to the cab of the mobile home, and the four Toonsters climb aboard. The camera cuts to the interior of the vehicle._ **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _are sat at the breakfast table. Outside, we see the background slowly begin to move, showing that the mobile home is getting underway._

**Plucky:** (Slumping in his seat) Okay, I’m bored.  

 **Hamton:** (Excited) OOH! How about a rousing rendition of 99 Bottles of Non-Alcoholic Beverage on the… 

 **Plucky:** (Terrified) NO!!

 _He clutches his heart and we hear a pounding heartbeat getting faster and faster for five seconds. The camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Shirley** _looking perplexed._

**Shirley:** (Confused) ANYway… Hamton is right, Pl-ucky. We oughta come up with a new theme song for our spinoff, or some junk.  

 **Fifi:** (Musing) Oui! Mais eet ‘as to be different from ze show we used to be on. So zat we can, how-you-say, stand out.  

 **Hamton:** (Pondering) Perhaps a parody of a well-known song? 

 **Plucky** _immediately recovers with a wide grin on his face._  

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) I feel a song coming on! A theme song…  

 _The camera cuts to_ **Uncle Stinky** _. He turns on his radio._  

 **# I Got You Babe – Sonny and Cher (Instrumental)**  

 **Shirley:** (Singing) Like, Wisconsin's where we're gonna go, so that we'll get our own spinoff show!   
  
**Plucky:** (Singing) A show where we'll all be free, it's gonna be great 'cos the main star's gonna be ME! It's mine!  
  
**Shirley:** (Singing) Like, it's our show!  
  
**Plucky:** (Singing) No, it's my show!   
  
**Hamton:** (Singing) Plucky's tryin' ta fulfil his dream, but doesn't he know that there's no I in team?  
  
**Fifi:** (Singing) We shall just 'ave to see, mais 'e may ruin our big break on TV!   
  
**Plucky:** (Singing) It's mine!  
  
**SH &F:** (Singing) No, it's our show!   
  
**Plucky:** (Singing) More like MY show! I'll be famous, wait an' see! A duck is better...than a bunny!  
  
**Shirley:** (Singing) Like, Plucky! Don't ya see? That yer show...needs an extra three?  
  
**Hamton:** (Singing) The time taken may be long, but if we work together, nothing can go wrong!   
  
**Fifi:** (Singing) A show eez vat we want to do, mais do not make eet just all about vous! 

 **Plucky:** (Singing) It’s mine! 

 **SH &F: **(Singing) No, it’s OUR show! 

 **Plucky:** (Singing) Make it MY show! I’m the one in high demand!

 **Hamton:** (Singing) I don’t think you understand! 

 **Plucky:** (Singing) I’m the one who deserves the love! 

 **Fifi:** (Singing) Don’t vous dare give us ze shove!

 **Plucky:** (Singing) I’ll make the ratings soar so high! 

 **Shirley:** (Singing) Like, where’s yer slice of humble pie?  

 **Plucky:** (Singing) I’ll no longer be NUMBER TWO! 

 **SH &F:** (Singing) Don’t forget us when you do!  

 _We cut to the exterior of the mobile home as if drives off into the setting sun._

**Plucky:** (Singing) It’s mine! 

 **SH &F:** (Singing) No, it's our show!  

 **Plucky:** (Singing) Make it MY show! 

 **SH &F: **(Singing) More like OUR show!  

 _T_ _he song begins to fade as the camera p_ _ans up into the night sky. It halts on a huge golden star, which_ **Plucky** _suddenly jumps up onto and poses smugly. A heart-shaped bubble floats up next to the star, and_ **Shirley** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _jump up and pose on that._

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**CREDITS**

Based on an idea pitched by: **Mopar96**

Creative Consultants: **Pepe K** , **Leloni Bunny** , **HKUriah** , **The J.A.M**

Co-written by: **Pepe K**

Theme Song Lyrics by: **Redtop95**

[1] This scene was suggested and written by Pepe-K. The writer expresses his gratitude.


	2. Stealing the Show!

We _are given a view of a dark city street on a clear night. We can hear the sounds of crickets chirping and the occasional dog barking. For a city, everything seems too peaceful and calm. It’s almost unsettling. All of a sudden, the silence is penetrated by the wailing shriek of a burglar alarm. The camera abruptly cuts to a shop which says_ **“POLYSTYRENE JEWELLERY: WE BUY SCRAP GOLD”** _The_ **“S”** _in_ **“Scrap”** _has been painted over. We can see two figures inside the shop trying to get out of the closed building. The camera cuts to the interior of the shop. The two figures are revealed to be_ **Rocky** _and_ **Mugsy**. _The portly criminal is frantically attempting to open the door. The shorter criminal is tapping his foot so rapidly that he’s pounding a hole through the floor._

 **Rocky:** For Pete’s sake, Mugsy. If you had just stuck to yer fruit-only diet, dis wouldn’t have happened!

 **Mugsy:** Uhh, but I had some yesterday, boss!

 **Rocky:** A chocolate orange don’t count, ya dummy. NOW GET DAT DOOR OPEN BEFORE DA COPS GET HERE!!

 **Mugsy:** (Sobbing) BUT I DON’T HAVE DA POWER, BOSS!!

 **Rocky:** Well, ain’t dat pathetic! Dis is da t’anks I get after all dose examples of Vy-tee-mon C I stole for yiz!

 _He punches_ **Mugsy** _in the gut._

 **Rocky:** (Bluntly) Shaddap! Go look for somet’in’ blunt ta break da glass!

 **Mugsy** _stares down at his boss for a beat. The camera cuts to the exterior of the shop. The glass smashes as_ **Rocky** _flies out._

 **Rocky:** (Monotonously) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

 _He hits a lamppost with a CLANG! The metal bends into the shape of his hat where he hit it._ **Mugsy** _runs over and pulls the dwarf out of the wedge._

 **Mugsy:** (Jovially) I did it, boss!

 **Rocky:** (Deadly calm) Well done, remind me ta eviscerate ya later.

 _He reaches out and rips out several of_ **Mugsy’s** _nose hairs._

 **Rocky:** (Bluntly) Shaddap an’ put me down, ya walkin’ heart attack!

 **Mugsy** _drops him and he lands flat on his face on the pavement. He immediately jumps to his feet._

 **Rocky:** (To Mugsy) Get in da car!

 **Mugsy:** Duh, which car?

 **Rocky:** (Frustrated) Da Golf!

_The sounds of several police sirens can be heard gradually getting louder in the distance._

**Mugsy:** We can’t, boss! We don’t have da right gear!

 **Rocky:** Gear?! WHAT GEAR?! We’re drivin’ a car, not playin’ a game!

 **Mugsy:** (Frantic) The gear I have is for a Thunderbird! _He takes a broken gearstick out of his pocket._

 **Mugsy:** See??

_The sounds of cars screeching to a halt are suddenly heard as several headlights shine upon the two gangsters._

**Rocky:** (Deadly calm) Mugsy?

 **Mugsy:** Yeah, boss? **Rocky:** Whatever ya do… don’t drop da soap…

 

**THE PLUCKY DUCK SHOW**

**Episode 2:**

**Stealing the Show**

 

**Act One**

_We now see the city street during the early hours of the morning. Toons are walking up and down the pavements and rushing to and fro, going about their daily schedules. As the camera roves through the town, we suddenly see_ **Uncle Stinky’s** _mobile home halt at a red traffic light._

 **Plucky:** (Narrating) Spinoff Log, Entry 1: Our journey started without mishap. (Bitterly) Unless ya count my best friend bringing his girlfriend along. (Narrating) We’ve arrived in a Generic City during our journey to Wisconsin. It’s most likely we got here overnight.

_The mobile home moves off from the traffic light, passing the Jewellery store with its broken window. It is now surrounded by yellow and black police tape._

**Plucky:** It seems that there’s been a robbery around these parts. Heh! I thought Disney was good at pickin’ yer pocket!

 _The camera cuts to the interior of the mobile home to reveal that the green duck has been sitting at the dinner table and staring out of the window in a musing fashion._ **Shirley** _suddenly appears in a blue dressing gown, her hair a rat’s nest._

 **Shirley:** (Bored) Like, who’re ya talkin’ to, Pl-ucky?

 **Plucky:** (Perplexed) Wha-? How’d ya know?

 **Shirley:** (Taps the side of her head) Like, I’m a psychic.

 **Plucky:** (Indifferently) Oh, right. I never knew.

 **Shirley:** (Genuinely interested) Do you have a Spinoff Log, or some junk?

 **Plucky:** (Sarcastic) No, I have an Offshoot Twig. (Annoyed) Of course I have a spinoff log!

 **Shirley:** (Haughty) Why?

 **Plucky:** (Patronising) You’re the psychic on the show, YOU tell me why!

 **Shirley:** (Folding her arms) Pl-ucky. If we’re ever gonna get married, we hafta tell each other our secrets!

 **Plucky:** Married? (Thinking) Who said anything about marriage?

 _A thought bubble suddenly appears and we’re given a flashback of_ **Plucky** _asking_ **Shirley** _to accompany him on the trip to Wisconsin._

 **Flashback Shirley:** (Suddenly grabbing him, overflowing with romance) You totally mean like meeting them to announce our engagement and upcoming wedding??

 **Flashback Plucky:** Hey let's not rush things too fast....I mean.......uh.... maybe...

 _T_ _he flashback ends._

 **Plucky:** (Musing) Ohh, yeah. It vaguely had something ta do with me…

 **Shirley:** (Exasperatedly) It TOTALLY had somethin’ ta do with us! (Rolling her eyes) Y’know what, never mind. Just tell me what this Spinoff Log is all about.

 **Plucky:** I’m keepin’ a journal of our events while we travel ta Wisconsin ta see my aunt.

 **Shirley:** (With forced patience) Like, that sounds cool. It’s mondo different ta what we used ta do on Tiny Toons.

 **Plucky:** Yes, well since it’s my show, I’m the only one who can do it, so don’t plagiarise, okay?

 **Shirley:** (Pointing) Speakin’ ‘o’ plagiarism, would ya look at that, or some junk? That jewellery store’s been robbed, or some junk!

 **Plucky:** I know!

_He takes out a newspaper from offscreen. On the front page, we see a picture of what appears to be a magpie._

**Plucky:** (Reading) According to the Chekhov's Times, the thieves got caught. They were Rocky and Mugsy! (Genuinely saddened) Ya think ya know a criminal. If my mentor D.D wasn’t in the slammer, I bet he woulda kept the streets safe from crime!

 **Shirley:** (Genuinely excited) Like, hey! That could be a potential idea for our spinoff, or some junk!

 **Plucky:** (Confidently) Yeah! The Adventures of Pluck Twacy! It’ll be awesome!

 **Shirley:** (Cheerfully) I’ll go ask Fifi!

 _She turns and is about to walk away when_ **Plucky** _grabs her by her sweater._

 **Plucky:** Fifi ain’t the one makin’ decisions round here. (He points to himself) It’s me! In case you’ve forgotten, the show’s about me. She’s only coming because Hamton got all stubborn an’ refused ta go without her. (Looking around) Where is that doormat, uh, sidekick, anyway?

 **Shirley:** (Casually) He’s with Fifi. They’re making breakfast.

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) WHAT?! He should be making breakfast for, uh, WITH me!

 **Shirley:** (Intimately) Well, like, if ya need a cookin’ partner, you’ve totally got me.

 **Plucky:** (Dismissively) Yeah, but it won’t be the same. You’ll expect me ta work!

 _Before_ **Shirley** _can answer,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _walk into view. The pig is carrying three plates of breakfast._

 **Hamton:** Breakfast is served, everyone! (To **Fifi** ) We could always start a cooking show if this spinoff fails…

 **Plucky** _stares at the plates in disbelief. Then, he glares at his friend._

 **Plucky:** (Outraged) Where’s mine?!

 **Hamton:** (Nervously) Oh, w-well, uh… Fifi said that you should make your own breakfast. Is that okay?

 **Plucky:** No, it’s NOT okay! Ya made breakfast for Shirl an’ yer randomly-acquired girlfriend, what makes them so special?!

 **Fifi:** (Angrily) Zat eez none of your business, Canard! Eef vous are so faim, go et make somezing dans ze kitchen!

 **Plucky:** (To **Hamton** ) What kind of best friend are you? Snubbing my desires to eat! I’m disappointed in you, Hamton…

 **Hamton:** (Interrupting, sadly) I…I guess I could make one more…

 _He turns on his heel and walks offscreen. We cut to a close up of_ **Plucky** _as he sits there, looking pleased with himself. The camera pans out to reveal_ **Shirley** _and_ **Fifi** _glaring at him. He looks annoyed._

 **Plucky:** (To **Shirley** and **Fifi** , bored) I suppose you’re gonna gang up on me now.

 **Fifi:** (Dangerously, to **Plucky** ) Vous seem to be forgetting our petit agreement. (Making a fist) Ah am more zan willing to remind vous.

 **Plucky:** (Defensively) What was wrong with what I said ta Ham-Brain?! He doesn’t care! We’re best friends!

 **Shirley:** (Coldly) Like, people DON’T treat their best friends like slaves.

 **Plucky:** Well, some people don’t know what they’re missin’. (Dismissively) Anyway, it’s not about him. It’s about me. (To **Fifi** ) Shirl wants ta tell ya that I…

 _He balks as he notices lightning dance in_ **Shirley’s** _eyes._

 **Plucky:** (Quickly correcting himself) SHE thinks that…

 **Fifi:** (Interrupting) Un idea pour ze spinoff show eez zat vous become un detective.

 **Plucky:** (Beat) How’d you…

 **Fifi:** (Curtly interrupting) Hamtone et moi talked about eet while we were cooking ze petit dejuner.

 **Plucky:** (Raised eyebrow, knowingly) Oh… OH! Unauthorized planning behind my back, eh? Is that why Hamton’s spending all his time with you now? (Suspiciously) How do I know that the two of you aren’t planning some coup d’etat?

 **Shirley:** (Unimpressed) Pl-ucky. Yer more paranoid than America in the Cold War, or some junk.

 **Hamton** _returns with a plate of breakfast for_ **Plucky**.

 **Hamton:** Well, here ya go, Pl-

 _The mobile home abruptly screeches to a halt._ **Hamton** _loses his balance._

 **Hamton:** (Shocked) OOPS!

 _The plate flies through the air and hits_ **Plucky** _in the face._ _The door suddenly opens, and_ **Uncle Stinky** _stands in the doorway._

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Good morning, next generation of youths! Because I have been travelling for several hours, my insomnia is beginning to play tricks on my system. I need to rest. I believe this is a viable opportunity for you to get out and explore and do whatever it is you adolescents like to do!)

 _He suddenly notices_ **Plucky** _covered in scrambled eggs._

 **Unlce Stinky:** (Are you going to finish that?)

_We cut to a view of the group. The camera begins to move as if it’s advancing on the green duck._

**Plucky:** (Nervously, to **Hamton** ) Hammy…what’s your uncle doin’? (Suddenly realising) NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

**Act Two**

_We are given a view of the pavement and we see the feet of civilians bustling to and fro. The camera slowly pans up to show the four teenagers walking along._ **Plucky’s** _pupils have shrunk. He stares at nothing._

 **Shirley:** (To **Hamton** ) Like, I wonder what’s wrong with Plucky?

 **Hamton:** (Puzzled, shrugs) I dunno. He’s been like that since our trip to Happy World Land.

 **Fifi:** (Complacently) At least eet keeps ‘im quiet.

_They see the crime scene, which is being surveyed by a group of policemen._

**Fifi:** (Pondering) Eef we can get some, how-you-say, information from zose officers, we might be able to get some inspiration!

 **Hamton:** (Cheerfully) Good idea, Feef! Taking research from the forces could be-

 **Plucky** _abruptly snaps out of his catatonic state._

 **Plucky:** That’ll take too much time! (Haughtily) Besides, we don’t need ta get a lesson from the law. D.D has played the role ‘o’ cops before! If ya watch his cartoons, you can plainly see he knows the law like the back of his wing!

 **Shirley:** (Snarky) And where’s D.D now?

 **???:** (Offscreen) You oughta listen to your boyfriend, Blondie. He knows his stuff!

 **Plucky:** (Triumphantly, to **Shirley** ) Y’see, Shirl? At least someone in this soon ta be spinoff show makes sense!(Looking around) Wherever he is. Who said that?

_Two black feathered hands suddenly reach out to the camera and ‘grab’ it. The camera is dragged sideways and we see that the hands belong to a magpie._

**???:** I did.

_He extends a talon._

**???:** (Warmly) Nice ta meet a fellow fowl.

 **Plucky:** (Shaking the talon) It’s an honour for you ta meet me!

 **Shirley:** (Suspicious) Like, who’re you, or some junk?

 **???:** (Insincerely) Oh, dear. Where’re my manners? My name’s Malcolm Magpie. And you are?

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) Y-You don’t know me? Haven’t you ever watched TV?

 **Malcolm:** Can’t say I have. I don’t watch a lotta TV.

 **Plucky:** (Out of the corner of his mouth, to **Shirley** ) We’re talkin’ to a weirdo…

 **Malcolm:** Because I spend most of my time on it!

 **Plucky’s** _eyes light up, and he grins at the magpie, his eyes gleaming._

 **Plucky:** (Overjoyed) Well! We-he-he-hell, that changes everything!

 **Fifi:** (Interested) Vat sort of show are vous on?

 **Malcolm:** (To **Fifi** ) Well, I can’t tell you that, my fluffy-tailed stinkbomb. It’s a secret show.

 **Fifi:** (Raised eyebrow) Un secret show?

 **Malcolm:** Let’s just say that if the police found out about it, everybody involved would get into serious trouble.

 **Hamton:** (Shocked) Y-You mean it’s i-illegal??

 **Malcolm:** (Cheerily) It’s that good! And we’re lookin’ for some new talent. Specifically… a green duck with a white tank top… a blonde loon with a pink sweater…a pig with blue overalls…and a purple skunk with a pink bow!

 **Plucky:** (Excited) HEY! That sounds just like us!

 **Malcolm:** (Flatly) HEY! It’s a small world! The four of you’ll be perfect for the show! No interviews or auditions necessary, we’ve found our new stars!

 **Fifi:** Oui, et zat eez all trés bon, mais vat show eez eet?

 **Malcolm:** (To Fifi) If ya don’t mind, Little Miss Musk, I’d rather talk to Green Daffy here.

 **Plucky:** (Coldly) Yeah, shaddap, stinky! (To **Malcolm** , sweetly) What show is it?

 **Malcolm:** (To **Plucky** ) Glad you asked, 50 Shades ‘o’ Phlegm. My show takes place in this generic city. It’s a hive of activity when it comes ta crime.

 **Shirley:** (Curious) So, like, yer a cop?

 **Malcolm:** (To **Shirley** ) Don’t interrupt. (To **Plucky** ) I play a thief.

 **Hamton:** (Horrified) You’re a criminal!

 **Malcolm:** (To **Hamton** ) You’re bein’ very rude, Herr Hot Dog. (To **Plucky** ) But I’m a good thief. I steal from the wealthy an’ give ta charity!

 **Plucky:** (Awestruck) Just like Robin Hood!

 **Malcolm:** I know, right! I was gonna be in a Robin Hood movie last year, but they dumped me for Kevin Costner! Anyway, I’ve been stealin’ from all the fat cats in the city…except for one!

 _He points at something offscreen. The camera cuts to a large building with the words_ **STEELINK HUNT BANK** _written in large golden letters._

 **Malcolm:** Mr Hunt is the evil bank manager. When the poor repressed citizens of Generic City make deposits, they don’t get ‘em back!

 **Shirley:** (Aghast) Like, that’s terrible!

 **Plucky:** (Glowingly) That’s genius!

 **Malcolm:** (Confidingly) For the season finale, I was gonna plan a heist tonight at the bank ta get the people’s money back. However, after my associates were…called away following yesterday’s filming, my director’s had ta find some replacements.

 **Fifi:** (Curious) Who eez your director, monsieur?

 **Malcolm:** (Annoyed, to **Fifi** ) It’s me! Isn’t that obvious? (Warmly, to **Plucky** ) And it seems I’ve found them!

 **Hamton:** (Suspiciously) I’m sure I saw a picture of you in the papers this morning…

 **Malcolm:** (Condescendingly) That was a publicity stunt!

 **Plucky:** Yeah, Hambone! Stop insinuatin’ an’ listen to the nice magpie! We’re gonna get our own show!

 **Shirley:** (Flatly) Like, this is surprisingly easy.

 **Malcolm:** (To **Plucky** ) Let’s not get too hasty, Number Two! It’s MY show…

 **Plucky:** (Interrupting) I won’t work unless the show’s about ME (Gesturing to **SF &H**) And three less important ones.

 **Malcolm:** (Sternly) Whoa. Look, you’re a cool mallard, but don’t interrupt your manager. (Pleasantly) I was gonna say that the heist is gonna be carried out by the four of you.

 **Fifi:** Quoi? Mais vat about vous? Vat shall vous be doing?

 **Malcolm:** (Ignoring her, to **Plucky** ) In the final episode, I get incapacitated so I can’t take part in the mission, but I’ll be guiding you on radio. My four little thieves in training have ta steal from Mr Hunt themselves. It’s a haphazard change to the script but I decided it would be a good idea for the…uh…Pilfer Cadets to get their time in the limelight!

 **Hamton:** (Nervously) So, we’re stealing from a bank, violating several laws and running the risk of goin’ ta jail?

 **Plucky:** (Frustrated, to **Hamton** ) For the last time: WE ARE THE GOOD GUYS!! We aren’t real thieves!

 **Hamton:** W-Well, what about that robbery at the Jewellery Shop?

 **Malcolm:** That was the aftermath of the previous episode, DUH! My colleagues just forgot ta clean up the props!

 **Fifi:** (Reassuringly, to **Hamton** ) Ah am trés sure zat we shall not really be stealing, mon cher. Eet eez like ze wrestling, non?

 **Plucky:** Okay, okay, so now that we’ve got (To **Hamton** ) ALL CONCERNS OUTTA THE WAY… (Sweetly, to **Malcolm** ) Where d’we sign?

 **Malcolm:** (Cheerfully dismissing) No need for that, pal. I’m just happy that I’ve found the four members of the Pilfer Cadets! Mr Hunt won’t know what hit ‘um!

 

**Act Three**

_We cut to the interior of what appears to be a giant nest inside a dank, grimy apartment. We can see necklaces, dollar bills, gold bars and other precious cargo nestled among the sticks and branches. Suddenly, the door opens and_ **Malcolm** _enters it, hastily shoving_ **Plucky** , **Hamton** , **Shirley** _and_ **Fifi** _inside._

 **Malcolm:** (Angrily muttering) Hurry up, get in before we’re discovered!

_He slams the door behind him._

**Malcolm:** (Genially, to Plucky) Well, here we are! This is where the heists, uh, episodes are all planned!

 **Plucky:** (Looking around) Say, where are the writers, anyway?

 **Shirley:** (Suspiciously) Like, that is a good question, or some junk.

 **Malcolm:** Err… (Beat) I’m the writer! It’s a one-man show, but I appreciate some help once in a while!

 **Fifi:** (Curiously) Vat else ‘as your ‘elp done apart from zis show?

 **Malcolm:** (Bluntly, to **Fifi** ) None of your business.

 **Fifi** _looks affronted and is about to argue when_ **Hamton** _intervenes._

 **Hamton:** (To **Malcolm** ) With all due respect, Mr Magpie, if we’re gonna work on your show, w-we kinda have the right ta know what goes on behind the scenes…I think.

 **Malcolm:** (Coldly) The only member of the Pilfer Cadets who knows what’s going on… (Pointing at **Plucky** ) …Is him!

 **Plucky’s** _eyes light up and his pupils turn into stars._

 **Plucky:** (Dreamily) Where have you been all my life?

 **Malcolm:** (Snidely, to **SH &F**) We’re filming the finale tonight, so I hafta confer with Big Green on what we’re gonna do. You second bananas oughta wait here and... (Warningly) Don’t touch anything!

 _He leads_ **Plucky** _away to another room. The green duck turns to grin smugly at_ **Shirley** _. We hear the sound of a door slamming, before the trio begins to confer._

 **Shirley:** Like, I don’t like that magpie, or some junk.

 **Fifi:** Ah do not like him, either. Mais il est our boss. Ah suppose ‘e eez going through a lot of ze stress. (Shrugs) Besides, vous do not ‘ave to like your boss, no? All we ‘ave to do eez ignore ‘im…et Plucky.

 **Hamton:** (Looking around) This…office feels off.

 **Fifi:** (Playfully nudging him) Are tu sure zat eet eez not because eet eez filthy?

 **Hamton:** (Smiling despite himself) No, it’s just that…it feels more like a hideout than an office.

 **Fifi** _picks up a necklace and inspects it._

 **Fifi:** Zis must be one of ze props.

_She admires the twinkling jewellery._

**Fifi:** (Impressed) Sacré bleu! Eet eez real! (To **Shirley** ) Monsieur Magpie must be trés rich!

 **Shirley:** (Bitterly) More like he stole it, or some junk.

 **Fifi:** (Exasperatedly, to **S &H**) Vat eez ze matter avec vous deux? Where eez your sense of adventure?

 **Hamton:** I, uh, I lost it when we met Malcolm.

 **Shirley:** (Mock shock) Like, have I been sucked through a cosmic portal into some parallel universe? Fifi La Fume actually agrees with Pl-ucky!

 **Fifi:** Ah do not agree avec zat duck’s methods, mais ah believe zat zis idea pour un TV show would be perfect to pitch to ze Frères Warner!

 **Hamton:** (Protesting) B-But it’s so different ta what we did on Tiny Toons!

 **Fifi:** (Taking his hands) Ah know! Ze idea of un spinoff eez to be different, no?

 **Hamton:** (Uneasily) But it goes against everything they taught me in the Pig Scouts!

 **Fifi:** (Beseechingly) No, eet does not, mon cher! Malcolm ‘as told us zat ‘e steals from ze tyrants et gives to zose in need! Doesn’t zat excite tu?

 **Shirley:** I just don’t like the looks of our boss. His aura reeks, or some junk.

 **Hamton:** Well… (Gulps) If it’s for the good of the people, and it’s just a TV show…I s-suppose that Warner Bros would think it would be a cool idea… (Abruptly) But I gotta make a phone call! _T_

 _he camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _as he stands beside_ **Malcolm**. _They are looking over what appears to be a map of a bank._

 **Malcolm:** Okay, Agent Webfoot, do ya wanna hear the plot of the finale again?

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) No, but for the benefit of the audience who spent too much time with unimportant characters, you’d better explain it one more time.

 **Malcolm:** Okay, then.

 _We cut to the map of the bank. We see stick figures that represent_ **Plucky** , **Shirley** , **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _respectively. The drawings immediately come to life._

 **Malcolm:** Okay, the vault is full of, according to my calculations… $900, 0000. The door’s locked up tight, aaaaaand…in order for Agent Hamhock ta prove that he’s stronger than he thinks…

 _The_ **Hamton** _drawing moves over to the vault sketch, and wrenches the huge door open._

 **Malcolm:** He wrenches the door open so that Agents Stinktail an’ Granola can get inside.

 _The_ **Shirley** _and_ **Fifi** _drawings run past into the vault._

 **Malcolm:** The vault’s interior is covered by a really tight security. So, Agent Stinktail proves how nimble she is…

 _The_ **Fifi** _drawing jumps and somersaults over red sensors._

 **Malcolm:** …By manoeuvring through the system an’ turning it off.

 _The_ **Fifi** _drawing presses a button and the red lines disappear._

 **Malcolm:** This is where Agent Granola proves how…how weird she is by using those psychic abilities that ya told me about ta levitate all the bags ‘o’ gold outta there!

 _The_ **Shirley** _drawing flounces past the_ **Fifi** _drawing, bags with dollar signs floating after her in single file. The_ **Fifi** _drawing runs after her, and they pass the_ **Hamton** _drawing, who lets go of the door and it closes._

 **Malcolm:** Then, the Pilfer Cadets hightail it outta there back to the office, I congratulate ya, an; then we distribute the money to the oppressed citizens.

 _T_ _he camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _and_ **Malcolm**.

 **Plucky:** (Suspicious) How much money are we gonna give away?

 **Malcolm:** $1.99.

 **Plucky:** (Good-naturedly) I like your thinkin’, pal! We’ve gotta keep at least SOME of the money to ourselves! (Puzzled) But what role do I, Agent Webfoot, the self-appointed leader of the Pilfer Cadets, play in this episode?

 **Malcolm:** Don’t worry, Pillow-Stuffing! You play the most important, most awesome, most incredible part of this Ultimate Heist!

 **Plucky:** (Excitedly) What is it, WHAT IS IT! My nerves have nerves!

 **Malcolm:** (Flatly) You stay on the roof and look out for the Cops, I mean, the professional actors pretending to be Cops. 

 **Plucky's** _excitement shatters, literally. His bill breaks into a million pieces, to be replaced by a bill bearing a grimace of disappointment._

 **Plucky:** (With consternation) That’s it? That’s my big role?

 **Malcolm:** (Continuing) Yes. Yes, it is. (Seriously) This is because your role depends on how the finale plays out.

 **Plucky:** (Startled by this change in tone) I-In what way, buddy?

 **Malcolm:** (Seriously) If either you or the other Agents set off the alarm system, the police will make a beeline for the Bank.

 **Plucky:** (Understanding) Yeah… that’s the climax!

 **Malcolm:** (Seriously) You DON’T wanna alert the fuzz, but if you do…the mission is off. You get outta there!

 **Plucky:** (Excitedly) But not before I perform a heroic and selfless rescue of Agents Granola, Hamhock an’ Stinktail!

 **Malcolm:** (Furious) NO! You get outta there, alone! If the other Cadets can’t escape before the police arrive, that’s their problem.

 **Plucky:** (Confused) So…we extend the finale to a jailbreak!

 **Malcolm:** No. From then on, it’s just you and me. We’ll be like Bunny and Claude, Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon, Abbot and Costello! Continuing our heroic robberies ‘til the day we die…or get fed up with it. (Shrugs) Worst case scenario.

 **Plucky:** (Musing) Dark, edgy, cynical… (Ecstatic) The schmoes at WB will love it!

 **Malcolm:** (Dismissively) I wouldn’t tell Warner Bros what you’ll be doin’. They wouldn’t be interested.

_He puts an arm around the duck’s shoulder._

**Malcolm:** (Warmly) Besides, you work for me, now. You don’t need them anymore.

 **Plucky:** (Musing) We could incite a ratings war… (Joyous) It’s perfect! Rivalling the show that’s discriminatin’ ta ducks! (Wistfully) D.D’s gonna be so proud!

 **Malcolm:** (Dismissively) Yeah, yeah, you’ll get some D.D, (Seriously) but right now, we gotta start filming the final episode!

_He takes out four skin-tight ninja costumes._

**Malcolm:** (Indifferently)Here are your costumes.

 

**Act Four**

_We cut to the roof of the bank at night time. Four figures run towards a skylight. They’re revealed to be_ **Plucky** , **Shirley** , **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _wearing the ninja jumpsuits. We can see rather huge headphones which are supposed to be the radios. Please note that the costumes are so tight, they emphasise parts of the girl’s bodies._

 **Fifi:** (Stretches) Ah do not like zese silly costumes! Zere eez not enough room to move ma tail!

 **Plucky:** (Smirking as he stares) Well, if this career fails, we can always make one of those late-night movies!

 **Fifi** _, enraged, slaps him across the face, causing his bill to spin._ **Plucky** _recoils, clutching his cheek._

 **Plucky:** (Outraged) Assault! That is assault! (To **Hamton** ) Do something!

 **Hamton** _punches the duck in the gut._ **Plucky** _doubles up with pain and kneels on the plateau, clutching his stomach._

 **Plucky:** (Wheezes) Et tu, Hammy?

 **Hamton:** (Indignant) That’s my girlfriend you’re ogling!

 **Malcolm:** (On radio, sternly) Hey! No beatin’ up the leader of the Pilfer Cadets!

 **Plucky** _grins smugly at the pig and skunk as he hears the magpie’s command._

 **Malcolm:** (On radio) There’s something I forgot ta tell ya. Your every moves will be recorded on the cameras.

 **Plucky:** (Excited) Really?? (Looking around excitedly) Just so ya know, I only take shots from the left side of my cheek!

 **Malcolm:** (On radio, warningly) But you’ve gotta stay outta their sight!

 **Shirley:** (Suspiciously) So, like, they’re security cameras, or some junk? Y’know, since we’re about ta break into a bank?

 **Malcolm:** (On radio) It was a corporate decision to have them like that! It adds to the thrills of stealing…as actors, of course. (Antsy) Now, hurry up an’ finish the job! I, uh, we don’t have all night!

 **Fifi:** ‘E eez right, mes amis.

_She looks at the sky._

**Fifi:** (Musing) Zis evening air eez ze perfect atmosphere pour un suspenseful climax!

 **Malcolm:** (On radio) Okay, Agent Granola, use your freaky powers ta get the skylight open!

 **Shirley:** (Indignant) Say what?! My powers ain’t… Who told you-

 _S_ _he turns to glare at a nervous_ **Plucky**.

 **Shirley:** (Pouts) Fine!

 _She closes her eyes in deep concentration for a beat, before snapping her fingers. The skylight abruptly crashes open, flying off its hinges and shattering._ **Plucky** , **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _cringe at the noise._

 **Malcolm:** (On radio, furious) NOT LIKE THAT! Ya want the cops ta catch us?!

 **Shirley:** (Smugly) Maybe I don’t, maybe I do, or some junk.

 **Malcolm:** (On radio) Agent Hamhock, make a rope so you, Agent Stinktail and Agent Granola can lower yourselves into the building!

 **Hamton** _takes out some rope, and reluctantly begins to tie it._

 **Hamton:** (Muttering) Years of Pig Scout Training…wasted on blatant thievery. First, the candy bar, and now this?

 _He completes the rope and lowers it into the bank via the broken skylight. He grabs onto it, and begins to slowly climb down. He is followed by_ **Fifi** _, then by_ **Shirley**. **Plucky** _watches them, slightly jealous._

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) As much as I like Malcolm, I don’t agree with his casting decision. I should be down there in the thick of things! (Bitterly) My so called best friend should be keeping watch…and so should Eau de skunkette, since she’s his “Girlfriend”.

 _The camera cuts to_ **Hamton** , **Fifi** _and_ **Shirley** _as they almost reach the bottom of the rope._ _The pig is about to set a trotter on the floor when…_

 **Shirley:** (Hushed) Like, hold the phone! It’s too quiet, too easy, or some junk!

 **Fifi:** (Musing) Hmmm… Ah believe vous are right, Shirley! Ah ‘ave un idea.

 _She tenses up in concentration._ **Hamton** _looks up to see that his girlfriend’s behind is a few inches from his face._ **Shirley** _notices this as well, and is aghast._

 **Shirley:** (Alarmed, hushed) Like, no, Feef, Hammy’s still-

 _There is a loud hissing sound as_ **Fifi** _releases her musk. It engulfs the empty building for five seconds and when it clears, there is a huge grid of red detection lines on the floor._

 **Shirley:** (Tentatively) Like, Hamton? Are you okay?

 _The camera pans down to_ **Hamton** _, his eyes half-closed as a green aura surrounds him._

 **Hamton:** (Blissfully) Can never get enough of that!

 **Shirley:** (Puzzled) Like, what? How can you- (To the camera) Never mind.

_They all climb down to the bottom of the rope and leap off, each landing in a space surrounded by the red lines._

**Malcolm:** (On radio) Great, you’re in. Now, Mr Hunt hoards all ‘o’ the citizen’s money in that vault. Agent Stinktail will hafta use her…stink ta damage the locking system. However, once the door opens, it won’t stay that way. Agent Hamhock will hafta hold it open!

 **Fifi:** (Gamely) Un challenge. Ah like eet! (To **H &S**) Let us go!

_Bending her knees, she leaps into the air, and prances along on all fours, avoiding the red lines with ease._

**Shirley:** (To **Hamton** ) Like, Fifi’s takin’ this stealing thing mondo seriously.

 _She sits in the lotus position, and suddenly levitates off the ground and floats after_ **Fifi**.

 **Hamton:** (Confused) Uhh…

_He cautiously lifts a trotter to cross over a line, then he abruptly slips!_

**Hamton:** (Surprised) OOPS!

 _He falls forward, narrowly missing the line. When he hits the floor, however, he bounces like a beach ball, making a sound like a bass drum being hit each time he bounces. The camera pans up to_ **Plucky** _, who shakes his head as he watches his friends manoeuvre through the security traps._

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) What is this, the ballet? This is the most boring finale I’ve ever seen! (Pondering) Maybe I’d better liven things up! But how?

 _We cut back to the huge vault door._ **Fifi** _lands on one foot in a ballerina’s pose next to the lock on the vault door._

 **Fifi:** (Triumphantly) Et voila!

 **Shirley** _gently lands in a space beside the skunkette and gets to her feet, whilst_ **Hamton** _lands in a heap._

 **Hamton:** (Dazed) What a ride! I knew my fat would come in handy someday! (Getting up) Malcolm said that we hafta destroy the lock.

 **Fifi:** Leave zat to moi, Hammy!

 _She grabs hold of her tail and aims it at the lock like a gun. She tenses up, and_ **Shirley** _and_ **Hamton** _brace themselves for another gassy explosion, but instead, a subtle scent emits from the skunkette’s tail and floats over to the lock. The_ **Lock** _suddenly comes to life and inhales the fumes._

 **Lock:** (Coughs) I don’t wanna live on this planet, anymore!

 _It snaps off of the handle, and falls to the floor, crumbling to dust. As soon as the lock breaks off, the vault door slowly begins to open. As it begins to close once again,_ **Hamton** _rushes forward and holds it steady, muscles suddenly appearing on his arms as he tenses them._

 **Shirley:** (Impressed, to **Hamton** ) Like, wow! Do you even lift?

 **Hamton:** (Straining) I…bench…pressed…with…Arnold…in…my…spare…time! (To **Fifi** ) Hurry…Feef!

 **Fifi:** Do not worry, mon cher. Ah will! ‘Ow ‘ard can eet…

_She peers inside to see that the interior of the vault has several moving red lines on the floor, on the ceiling and from the walls._

**Fifi:** (Shocked)…Be? (Gulps) Sacré bleu…

 **Shirley** _peers into the vault as well. She looks just as shocked as her friend._

 **Shirley:** (Awestruck) Like, mondo security-conscious. There’s no way I could levitate through there without bein’ detected, or some junk!

 **Fifi:** (To **Shirley** ) Zat eez true, mon ami. Zat eez why ah was chosen!

_She crouches down, preparing to jump._

**Fifi:** (Confidently) Watch et learn!

 **Hamton** _turns around to face the girls whilst holding the door steady._

 **Hamton:** (Straining) I…love…ta learn!

 **Fifi** _leaps into the air, narrowly misses a red line by inches and lands neatly on her hands, temporarily doing a handstand before curling up and rolling under another red line. The camera cuts to_ **Shirley** _and_ **Hamton** _who are watching in amazement._ **Hamton** _sweats due to both the weight of the heavy door and watching_ **Fifi’s** _acrobatics._

 **Hamton:** (Straining) If…circumstances…weren’t…against me, I…wouldn’t…be holding…this door!

 _We cut back to_ **Fifi** _as she balances on her tail for five seconds. Then, she bounces into the air as a red line passes by. She finally reaches a red button, presses it in midair and the lines all disappear._

 **Fifi:** (Triumphantly) Vive la France!

 **Malcolm:** (On radio) Took your time didn’t you? Now, Agent Granola levitates the bags ‘o’ money and ya get outta there!

 **Shirley** _rushes into the vault and up to_ **Fifi**. _Reluctantly, she closes her eyes and crosses her fingers._

 **Shirley:** (Chanting) O Idon’twannadothis, O Idon’twannadothis…

 _The heavy bags, filled to the brim with money, rise into the air and assemble into a line. In a manner identical to the brooms from_ **The Sorcerer’s Apprentice** , _the bags begin to follow_ **Shirley** _as she leads them out of the vault._ **Fifi** _runs after them._

 **Fifi:** (Excitedly) Oh, trés bon, mes amis! Ze people shall no longer be, how-you-say, compressed!

 **Hamton:** (Straining) Feef…Shirley…there’s…something…I gotta…tell ya!

 _The camera cuts to the roof._ **Plucky** _is pacing around, deep in thought._

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) How am I gonna make the climax more thrilling? I would “accidentally” set off the security detection lines, but Stinky turned ‘em off. (Grumpily) I’m gonna have some serious words with Malcolm once we finish filmin’…

_Suddenly, he hears the sound of police sirens._

**Plucky:** (Puzzled) What the-?

_He turns to see several police cars hurtling through the streets, heading straight for the bank._

**Plucky:** (Excited) I knew Malcolm wouldn’t let me down! (To the camera) This is my cue!

_He kneels down near the skylight._

**Plucky:** (Yelling) THEY’RE COMIN’!! THE COPS ARE ON THE WAY!!

 **Shirley’s** _concentration breaks. The line of bags fall and burst on the cold floor, money spilling out of all of them._

 **Fifi:** (Shocked) Quoi?! (To **Plucky** ) Vous cannot be serious!!

 **Hamton** _runs from the vault door, and it slams shut with a resounding CLANG!!_ **Fifi** _frantically tries to pick up piles of money and carry them in her arms._ **Shirley** _is freaking out._

 **Fifi:** (Terrified) Malcolm did not say zis was part of ze script!

 **Shirley:** (Furious, to **Fifi** ) Like, there is no script! We stole from a bank; we’re totally goin’ ta jail!!

_The sound of the sirens grows louder and louder. We hear the sounds of tyres squealing outside the building._

**Hamton:** (Shouting, to **F &S**) It’s OKAY!! Don’t panic! JUST TAKE OFF YOUR COSTUMES AN’ SIT DOWN!!

 _T_ _he camera cuts to the exterior of the bank as some_ **Police Toons** _emerge from their vehicles. A_ **Bulldog** _with an Irish accent turns his attention to his peers._

 **Bulldog:** Alroight, lads! The t’irst t’ing that we do is arrest the witnesses!

 _T_ _he camera cuts to the roof of the bank. A wide-eyed_ **Plucky** _stares down at the hordes of constables who have surrounded the Bank. He ducks as one of the searchlights scans the area._

 **Plucky:** (Horrified) They’re right on top of us. One wrong move an’ they’ll be forced ta consume bread an’ water for several years! (To the camera) That’s right…

_He points down at the searchlight._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) THEY’LL be goin’ to the clink! (Defensively) Don’t look at me like that, it’s what Malcolm told me ta do!

_He tiptoes over to a nearby drain pipe._

**Plucky:** (Complacently) I’ll just climb down from here an’ make my pusillanimous escape undetected!

 _He swings his leg over the side and is about to shimmy down, when… the pipe breaks._ **Plucky** _looks aghast at the disintegrating gutter. He looks at the camera, then at the ground below him…before plummeting._

 **Plucky:** WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!

 _The camera cuts to the_ **Police** _as they prepare to enter the bank. Suddenly, they hear a crashing noise offscreen, and shine their torches at the alleyway next to the building._

 **Bulldog:** (Shocked) What was t’at?

 _The camera cuts to the alley’s entrance as_ **Plucky** _emerges from a trash can. Everybody gasps as they stare at the duck’s black costume._

 **Bulldog:** (Dumbfounded) Oh, moy goodness! It’s t’at Daffy Dork!

 **Policeman:** (Disbelievingly) What?! I thought he was Crusher’s prison bi-

 **Bulldog:** (Interrupting) Well, ‘e’s goin’ back to the stony lonesome! (To the **Policemen** ) FOIRE! **Plucky** _groggily rubs his head and stares at the_ **Policemen** _as they aim several taser guns at him._

 **Plucky:** What the…

_He is cut off as he is zapped by twenty taser guns._

**Plucky:** YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!

 _He falls to the ground, unconscious. The_ **Bulldog** _rushes up to him and whacks him on the head with a truncheon._

 **Bulldog:** (To the **Policemen** ) Alroight, lads, he’s out cold! Search the bank for t’ose hostages!

_The camera fades to black as the voices and sirens begin to distort and slow down._

 

**Act Five**

_We see nothing but blackness, but we can hear_ **Shirley’s** _slightly annoyed voice._

 **Shirley:** (Exasperated) Like, Pl-ucky, wake up. We totally know yer faking, now.

 _The blackness is replaced by a blurred image of_ **Shirley** _which slowly comes into focus. She is wearing her regular attire and glaring down at the camera. We cut to a slightly charred and sizzling_ **Plucky** _lying on a bed. The camera pans out to reveal that we’re back in the mobile home._

 **Plucky:** (Theatrically) Shirl! I had one weird dream! I dreamt that I’d been tasered by a band of donut scoffers an’ spent the night in a cell!

 _We cut back to_ **Shirley** _as she rolls her eyes._

 **Shirley:** (Bluntly) Like, that wasn’t a dream, Pl-ucky. The police mistook you for Professor Daffy an’ arrested ya. We only just got you out.

 **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _appear on either side of the blonde loon._

 **Hamton:** (Relieved) Thank goodness Uncle Stinky was able ta pay yer bail.

_We cut back to the green duck as he scratches his head._

**Plucky:** (Puzzled) Pay MY bail? But you guys got arrested, too!

 **Fifi:** (Simply) Non, we did not.

 **Plucky:** (Outraged) WHAT?! Why?!

 **Hamton:** (Nervously) W-Well, while you were talkin’ ta Malcolm, I phoned Uncle Stinky. I told him that there’d be a robbery at the bank an’ gave him the address of the hideout to give to the police.

 **Fifi:** Uncle Stinky reported eet to ze police. If vous ‘ad joined us dans ze building when zey arrived, vous would not ‘ave been caught.

 **Shirley:** Like, Stinky told the fuzz that we had been held hostage in the bank an’ Malcolm had fled. We were totally victims of circumstance, or some junk.

 _Overwhelmed by all of this information,_ **Plucky** _suddenly becomes furious._

 **Plucky:** (Angry) So that heist wasn’t an episode from a TV show?

 **Shirley:** (Shaking her head) Nope. That Malcolm was a crook. The cops said that he’d been makin’ other lowlifes do his dirty work for years. That was why Rocky an’ Mugsy stole from that Jewellery Shop the other night, or some junk.

 **Plucky:** (Furiously) Where’s that treacherous magpie? I’ll beat him black an’ blue!

 **Uncle Stinky** _looks down at him from behind_ **Shirley** , **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi**.

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) AGH!!

 **Uncle Stinky:** (There is no need for you to exact your revenge, foolhardy fowl. That supercilious scoundrel is spending one million years behind bars. I believe he’s sharing a cell with that Looniversity professor whom feigned death.)

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) He’s in prison with D.D?! (Bitterly) Lucky dog. He doesn’t deserve that!

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Well, now that we are all reunited, I propose that we continue our journey to Wisconsin. We have spent enough time in this city, and time waits for no Toons)

 **Shirley:** Like, couldn’t agree with ya more, Stinky!

 **Plucky:** (Sulkily) Yeah, let’s get outta here…

 _The camera cuts to the exterior of the mobile home as_ **Uncle Stinky** _disembarks from it and makes his way to the driver’s seat._

 **Plucky:** (Narrating) As the saying goes: Easy come, easy go. It appears that our plan to make a spinoff show focusing on myself and my associates being notorious outlaws and heroes to the common…was a lie. However, to quote Tom Petty and to take example from D.D… I won’t back down. I will get my own show, one way or another.

 _T_ _he mobile home begins to drive away._

 **Plucky:** (Narrating) Spinoff Log: End of Entry 1.

 

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**CREDITS**

Written by: **Redtop95**


	3. Circus-ised

_The camera pans along a railway track as a circus train races along while a tune which sounds similar to_ **“Casey Junior”** _plays in the background. The camera focuses on one of the cars, which has the words_ **“Cirque du Sunnyside-Up”** _painted in bright colourful letters. The camera pans along to the locomotive pulling the train. It looks like it was taken directly from the 19th Century. A caption reading:_ **“CRACK TRAIN: IT RUNS ON COKE”** _appears for five seconds before disappearing. The train passes a sign which reads:_ **“You’re on your way to New Orleans”** _and some smaller words below it read_ **“With Forty-Five Cents and a can ‘o’ beans”** _We fade to the engine’s cab. The Driver and Fireman stare gormlessly at the pressure gauge. It is whistling like a kettle on the boil. If you look very closely at their uniforms, you’ll see that the_ **Driver** _has a badge which says_ **“I. Fuller Cinders”** _and the_ **Fireman’s** _badge reads_ **“I. No Corrida”**

 **Driver:** Say…when was the last, uh, last time we stopped for water?

 **Fireman:** Uhhhhhhhhh…. Well, now, let me see, Uhhhhhhhhh….

 _As the train passes through the railway station, the engine abruptly explodes, the words_ **“KA-CHOO-CHOO!!”** _briefly dominating the screen. The entire train flies through the air. It lands in a conveniently vast field. A huge circus tent with red and yellow stripes unfurls and is completely set up, followed by all the sideshows and campsite. The Ringmaster, a portly hippopotamus wearing a red tailcoat and top hat, rushes out of the tent and plants a_ **“NOW OPEN”** _sign in the ground as calliope music begins to play._

 **Ringmaster:** (Defensively, to the camera) Well, we’ve gotta make the best outta a bad situation, don’t we?

**THE PLUCKY DUCK SHOW**

**Episode 3:**

**Circus-ised**

 

_Lively jazz music begins to play as the mobile home drives through a street in New Orleans. Bright colourful bunting flutters in the breeze as we hear people cheering._

**Plucky:** (Narrating) Spinoff Log, Entry 2: We’ve arrived in New Orleans. A state north of…wherever Acme Acres is. Thanks to Cartoon Physics, we were able to reach this place quite quickly. There seems ta be some sort of celebration goin’ on round here, which can only mean one thing…

 _The mobile home parks on a kerb and_ **Plucky** _bursts out of it, his eyes gleaming._

 **Plucky:** (Crowing) IT’S FOR ME!!

 _The jazz music stops playing and the crowd stops cheering. The sound of a cricket chirping can suddenly be heard._ **Plucky’s** _eyes dart around as he looks around for somebody who’s pleased to see him_. **Hamton** _peeks at the camera from the right-hand side, before scuttling up to his friend._

 **Hamton:** Erm, Plucky…I don’t think all this is for you.

 **Plucky:** (Without moving his bill) Of course it is, Ham-Brain. They’re just gettin’ over the shock of seein’ me!

 **Hamton:** Well, uh, i-it’s not uncommon ta hear jazz music, here. I mean, this is where it originated! (Musing) I’m not sure what they’re celebrating, though.

 _Before_ **Plucky** _can reply, we hear the Ringmaster shout at them._

 **Ringmaster:** (Offscreen) HEY, YOU KIDS! GET OUTTA THE WAY!

 **Plucky:** (Outraged) Don’t tell me what ta do, ya…

_He does a double-take, his eyes popping out._

**Plucky:** (Horrified) AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!

 _The jazz music is suddenly replaced by the sound of a marching band as the camera cuts to a parade coming down the street and heading straight for the duck and pig._ **Fifi’s** _tail suddenly reaches out from offscreen, wraps around_ **Hamton** _and pulls him out of the way._ **Plucky** _is about to run, when he suddenly freezes, becomes engulfed in a pink aura, and is thrown off the road. He hits the side of the mobile home with a CLANK!_ **Shirley** _opens her eyes, and her right index finger stops glowing._

 **Shirley:** (With concern, to **Plucky** ) Like, whoops! Are you totally okay, honey?

 **Plucky:** (Groggily) We meet on the Field of Onion!

 _He passes out. We cut to_ **Fifi** , _who has relinquished her hold of_ **Hamton** _, and is looking in awe at the parade. Carts with lions, bears and camels in them trundle past, acrobats, male and female, zip and serpentine along on unicycles and balloons and confetti fill the air._

 **Fifi:** (Impressed) Zut alors! Eet eez un parade! Mais vat could eet be for?

 **Hamton:** (Pointing) Look! It’s a circus!

 _We see some clowns marching along, carrying a banner which reads_ **“Cirque du Sunnyside-Up: On Tour this week!”** _A magnifying glass suddenly appears and focuses on some tiny writing below the announcement. This says_ **“Depending on how long it takes to fix the train”** _The magnifying glass remains on screen for five seconds before vanishing as a marching song begins to play._

**# I Love a Parade (Instrumental)**

**Performers:** (Singing) I Love a Parade! The tramping of feet, I love every beat, I hear of a drum! I Love a Parade! When I hear a band, I just want to stand, and cheer as they come!

 **Female Acrobat:** (Singing) That rat-a-tat-tat!

 **Performers:** (Singing) That rat-a-tat-tat!

 **Female Acrobat:** (Singing) The blare of a horn!

 **Performers:** (Singing) The blare of a horn!

 **Male Lion Tamer:** (Singing) That rat-a-tat-tat!

 **Performers:** (Singing) That rat-a-tat-tat!

 **Male Lion Tamer:** (Singing) A bright unif-

_A lion abruptly jumps on him._

**Male Lion Tamer:**  AAARGH!

 **Performers:** (Singing) A bright uniform!

 **Clown:** (Singing whilst on a jackhammer) The sight of a drill!

 **Performers:** (Singing) The sight of a drill!

 **Clown:** (Singing whilst on a jackhammer) Will give me a thrill!

 **Performers:** (Singing) I thrill at the skill of everything military! I Love a Parade! A handful of Vets, A line of Cadets or any brigade! For I LOVE A PARADE!

 _As the parade passes through the town, a_ **Street Sweeper** _toils behind, grumpily cleaning up the confetti and bunting._

 **Street Sweeper:** (To the camera) Well, I’m glad someone does!

 _The camera cuts back to the group as the marching band music continues._ **Shirley** _covers her ears and grits her teeth whilst_ **Plucky** _nurses a lump on his head from when he hit the side of the mobile home._

 **Shirley:** (Moodily) Like, what a racket! All this bombastic brass music is ruining my concentration!

 **Hamton:** (Puzzled) Don’t you like marching music, Shirley? I sure do!

 **Fifi:** So do ah. (With spirit) Zere eez nothing like un grand march to, how-you-say, water vous down!

 **Hamton:** (Gently correcting) That’s fire you up.

 **Shirley:** (Surprised, to **Fifi** ) Like, I didn’t know ya liked this sorta music, Fifi! I always thought ya just liked harp music, or some junk.

 **Fifi:** (Casually) Ah like ze harp, mais ah can play more zan just zat zese days. Ah can play ze trumpet, ze tuba, ze French 'orn. Quite un selection, no?

 **Hamton:** (Chuckles) Yes. (To **Shirley** ) Fifi used ta play in the band practice room with me an’ Sneezer. She taught me a few instruments too! (Counting) The harp, the violin, the bass, you name it!

 _Before_ **Shirley** _can reply,_ **Plucky** _grumpily butts in._

 **Plucky:** (Groaning) Can’t they keep it down? I’ve got a headache, on account of (To **Shirley** ) SOMEBODY miscalculatin’ their trajectory!

 **Shirley:** (Offended) Like, yer totally welcome!

 **Plucky:** (Ignoring her, to **Hamton** ) Since when were YOU a band geek?

 **Hamton:** (Defensively) Since always. Fifi recommended taking up music to me at the Prom.

 **Plucky:** (Outraged) How come I never knew about this?!

 **Fifi** _is about to retort, but_ **Hamton** _suddenly replies._

 **Hamton:** (Sweetly) You never asked…or for that matter, paid attention.

 **Plucky’s** _jaw hits the floor upon hearing this. He yanks his tail feathers, and his mouth closes. He glares at the pig._

 **Plucky:** (Warningly, to **Hamton** ) I don’t like your attitude lately, Hambone. (Pointing at **Fifi** ) And you’ve been this way since ya started datin’ her. Anymore of your smart-alek one-liners an’ you’re…

 _He balks as_ **Fifi** _makes a fist._

 **Plucky:** (Falters) You’re… (Angrily dismissive) Never mind!

_Sulkily, he folds his arms and turns away from his friends, trying to think of something to direct his anger at. He immediately finds it._

**Plucky:** (Huffily) They call this a circus? (Scoffs) It’s not even enough ta be a flea circus! Now, if I was workin’ at that freak show, people would have more of a reason ta go than just makin’ horror movies!

 **Hamton:** (Excited) Hey! That’s not a bad idea, Plucky!

 **Plucky:** (Annoyed) What’s not a bad idea, pork-breath?

 **Hamton:** We could join the circus!

 **Shirley:** (Outraged) Like, what?! No way, Hamton, that’s a mondo uncool idea!

 **Fifi:** (Pondering) Un show about actors dans ze circus…

 _A thought bubble appears above her head. In the bubble, we see_ **Fifi** _wearing a blue ballerina’s tutu and walking daintily across a tightrope to the sound of applause. The thought bubble disappears._

 **Fifi:** (Ecstatic) Ah ‘ave always wanted to be dans ze circus!!

 _As_ **Hamton** , **Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _look shocked, she blushes._

 **Fifi:** (Embarrassed) Vat ah mean eez… when ah was une petite fille, ah always wanted to perform on ze tightrope. Eet would be un dream come true if ah…

 **Plucky:** (Interrupting) Never mind your dream, we came on this trip so that I could get a spinoff!

 **Hamton:** (Protesting) B-But this could BE our spinoff! A documentary chronicling how we could use our acting skills once we graduate from Acme Loo!

 **Shirley:** (Thinking) Like, please, don’t think it’s a good idea, don’t think it’s a good idea, don’t think it’s a good idea…

 **Plucky:** (Musing) A show in which I display how my acting skills are much more varied than those rabbits? (Happily) It’s PERFECT!

 **Shirley:** (Thinking) DARN!

 **Plucky:** (Arrogant) It sure is a good job I discovered that the circus was in town! Otherwise, my plan wouldn’t have worked!

 **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _look at each other, before shaking their heads while_ **Shirley** _looks noticeably chagrined by this turn of events._

 

**Act Two**

_We cut to the huge circus tent as the mobile home drives up to it. We see the_ **Performers** _rushing to and fro as they go about their work. Clowns can be seen juggling or throwing pies at each other. Acrobats are practicing their gymnastics. The_ **Elephant** _from_ **“Elephant Issues”** _can be seen prancing about, twirling two long pink ribbons._ **Plucky** , **Shirley** , **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _disembark from the mobile home._

 **Plucky:** (Condescendingly) Now, remember. We’ll all get what we want if I do all the talkin’. So keep quiet when the adults are speaking.

 **Hamton:** (Puzzled) B-But Uncle Stinky’s waiting in the mobile home!

 **Plucky:** (Snidely, to the cameras) Metaphors always fly over the head of the sidekick.

 _He suddenly walks into the round belly of the_ **Ringmaster** _and falls down on his backside._

 **Plucky:** (Indignant) Hey, I’m walkin’ here, you… (Gasps)

 _From where he’s sat on the ground, the_ **Ringmaster** _looks like a towering giant…and he has a baleful expression._

 **Ringmaster:** (Hostile) Hey! This land is for performers only!

_Before the green duck can speak, he suddenly continues._

**Ringmaster:** Wait a minute! You’re that kid who we nearly trampled in the parade! (Mopping his brow) Thank goodness there wasn’t a death. That woulda ruined us!

 **Performer:** (Offscreen) Hey! You haven’t paid us since 1973!

 _Without looking, the_ **Ringmaster** _pulls a pistol out of his pocket and fires it behind himself. We hear a thump._

 **Ringmaster:** (Casually, with the pistol still in his hand, to **Plucky** ) You haven’t come ta sue us, have you?

 **Plucky:** Uhh, no, no, no! We, uh, we came to…

 **Ringmaster:** (Casually) Have ya come ta buy tickets?

 **Plucky:** (Cowering) No!

 **Ringmaster:** Then why are you here?! Get off of my temporarily owned property!

 **S** **hirley:** (Thinking) For cryin’ out loud… (To **Ringmaster** ) We, an’, like, when I say that, I mean the three of us, wanna join yer circus!

 **Ringmaster:** (Lowering his pistol) Really?

 **Shirley:** (Exasperated) Yes! (To **Plucky** ) So much for lettin’ the adults talk, or some junk!

 **Ringmaster:** (To the group) What makes you think you can make a difference ta my circus?

 **Hamton:** (Nervous) We…uh…we…uh…we like the circus?

 **Ringmaster:** (Jovially) Great! You’re hired!

_He suddenly notices the pistol in his hand._

**Ringmaster:** (Embarrassed, to the group) How did that get there?

 _He throws it over his shoulder. We cut to the_ **Ringmaster** _leading the quartet through the grounds. They pass a familiar looking clock which has the words_ **“Non Sequitur”** _written on it. Suddenly,_ **Gogo** _springs out of it._

 **Gogo:** (To the camera) Cuckoo, Cuckoo! If ya thought the writer wouldn’t put in a cameo, yer cuckoo, cuckoo!

_He retreats back into the clock._

**Ringmaster:** (As he walks, without looking at the group) So what do you guys do?

 **Plucky:** (Laughs) Whadda we do? Whadda we do?! (Beat) I’ll get back to you on that.

 **Fifi:** (Eagerly) Hamtone et moi can play musical instruments!

 **Plucky:** (Excitedly) I can play! (Sniggers) With myse- OW!!

 _He rubs his singed behind as_ **Shirley** _shakes her head warningly._

 **Ringmaster:** (Without looking at them) Oh, so you wanna be part of the orchestra?

 **Fifi:** (Excitedly) Oh, non. Zat eez only one thing zat ah can do. Ah can also walk across ze tightrope et ah can do ze acrobatics as well!

 **Ringmaster:** (Without looking at them) Whatever turns you on.

 **Hamton:** I can eat one million Weenie Burgers in one sitting! I can also juggle different condiments! You see, I like food!

 **Ringmaster:** (Without looking at them) Sounds like it.

 **Plucky:** (Smugly, to **Shirley** ) Heh! Check it out. (Sings) Clowns to the left ‘o’ me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with…

 _The_ **Ringmaster** _suddenly wheels round, his eyes blazing with fury._

 **Ringmaster:** (Furious, to **Plucky** ) If you sing that song one more time, I will chop your ear off!

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) But I don’t have any ears!

 **Ringmaster:** (Furious) Then how can you hear what I’m saying?!

 **Plucky:** (Beat) What was that?

 _T_ _he_ **Ringmaster** _turns away from them, steam billowing from his ears._ **Shirley** _watches him, shaking her head._

 **Shirley:** (Thinking) Like, the circus is such a stressful job. There’s no way I wanna work here.

_She winces as she hears the chaotic cacophony that is the circus orchestra._

**Shirley:** (Thinking) And that noise! Mondo uncool. How can a girl meditate in peace, or some junk? If I were in charge of everything around here, that orchestra would totally be the first ta go!

 **Plucky:** (Thinking) What a dump! Is this where all the talentless hacks go ta die? There’s still hope, though. I’ll be drawing more crowds than Lowry!

 **Ringmaster:** (Grumpily) The first show’s tomorrow night. Unfortunately, due to you guys applying so late into the program, you don’t have your own personal caravan. You’ll hafta find somewhere else ta sleep.

 **Fifi:** (Cheerfully) Do not worry, monsieur. We can sleep dans ze mobile home!

 **Ringmaster:** (Sarcastic) That’s just wonderful. (Moodily, to the group) See you at 5:00am.

 **P** **lucky:** (Objecting) I don’t get up ‘til 12:00.

 _T_ _he_ **Ringmaster** _doesn’t reply. He lumbers into the tent, leaving the quartet behind. As they walk away, there is a beat before we suddenly hear the_ **Ringmaster** _sobbing._

 **Ringmaster:** (Wailing) I could’ve been in SILENCE OF THE LAMBS!!

 _The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _, who is tapping his bill in deep thought. He is making a plan._

 **Plucky:** (Thinking) On second thought, I wanna be the Ringmaster! (Chuckles) Having all that power to abuse, err, use in order ta get the show running! It’ll prove that ducks are better than rabbits once and for all! Unfortunately for these losers, I’m gonna hafta make a few cuts…

 _We cut to the mobile home at nightfall. Crickets are chirping and the grass can be heard rustling in the breeze. The camera pans down towards_ **Shirley** _as she is sat in the lotus position._

 **Shirley:** (Takes a deep breath and exhales) OhwhataloonIam… OhwhataloonIam… Ohwhat…

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen) Presenting Fifi, ze tightrope walking skunk, performing pour tu tonight!

 **Shirley** _abruptly snaps out of her meditation._

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen) YAAAAAAAY!!

 _A noisy rendition of_ **“Entrance of the Gladiators”** _begins to play as_ **Shirley** _goes red in the face, takes a deep breath and exhales in defeat._

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen) Et now pour ze flipback!

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen) That’s backflip!

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen) Quoi? Whoa! Oh, non!

 _T_ _here is a soft thudding sound._

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen, happily) Merci pour breaking ma fall, Hammy!

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen, muffled) No problem!

 **Shirley** _grumpily gets to her feet and walks away from the mobile home._

 **Shirley:** (To the camera) Like, do they HAVE ta practice at this hour, or some junk? I knew this circus thing was a bad idea!

_She finds a place to meditate and sits down._

**Shirley:** (Complacently) Ah, like, why can’t they have performances like meditation in the show? It would have proper music, too.

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen) And here he is: he’s able ta eat one million Weenie Burgers in one sitting: Munchies! (Chuckles) That’s me!

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen) Oh, bravo! Bravo! (Giggles)

 **Shirley:** (To the camera) And no offence, but I totally doubt people would wanna watch someone engorge themselves, or some junk.

 _She takes a deep breath and exhales._  

 **Shirley:** (Chanting) OhwhataloonIam… OhwhataloonIam…

_She closes her eyes, obviously deep in solitude. After a beat, her eyes snap open._

**Shirley:** Like, wait a minute. It’s too quiet. Too peaceful. (Looking around) Like, where’s Pl-ucky? (Beat) Ah, never mind. I totally have more time ta meditate!

 

**Act Three**

_The sun slowly begins to rise over the circus grounds, creating elongating shadows across the grass. It is revealed that_ **Shirley** _is still outside, sitting in the lotus position, but she is fast asleep…snoring obnoxiously._ _Abruptly, the mobile home door crashes open, jarring her awake._

 **Shirley:** (Shocked) Like, oh no! They’ve landed!

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen) Good morning, Shirley! We’re ready to perform!

 **Shirley:** (Groggily) Like, what?

_She turns around and does a double-take._

**Shirley:** (Shocked) Sweet mother ‘o’ Woodstock!

 _The camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton**. _The skunkette is wearing a fluorescent blue pantyhose and ballerina’s tutu and is carrying a small pink umbrella, whilst the pig is wearing what looks like a black and red luchador’s costume and mask._

 **Fifi:** (Cheerily, to **Shirley** ) Vat do vous think of our costumes pour ze show, tonight? Uncle Stinky made zem just pour us!

 **Shirley:** (Still in a state of shock) So, like, it wasn’t a nightmare?

 **Fifi:** (Happily) Uncle Stinky even made un costume pour vous, Shirley.

_She presents the loon with an orange, flower-covered hippy costume on a hanger._

**Fifi:** (Joyously) Oh, zis shall be ze greatest spinoff ever!

 **Hamton:** (To **Shirley** ) Say, have you seen Plucky anywhere? I gotta give him his costume!

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen) That won’t be necessary, Mr Chipolata! I already got one!

 **Shirley** , **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _look at something offscreen and do a double-take. We cut to an incredibly smug_ **Plucky** _as he swaggers towards them wearing the_ **Ringmaster’s** _tailcoat and top hat. His attire is too big for him, and he trips and falls flat on his face._

 **Hamton:** (Shocked, to **Plucky** ) Th-Those are the Ringmaster’s clothes!

 **Fifi:** (Affronted) Put zem back before vous get us fired!  

 **Plucky:** (Muffled) Fire myself? I don’t think so!

 **SF &H:** WHAT?!

 **Plucky** _picks himself up and dusts himself down._

 **Plucky:** You heard me! I’m the new manager of this Amateur Hour!

 **Fifi:** (Protesting) Vous cannot be! Ze…ze Ringmaster would not just, how-you-say, buy in!

 **Hamton:** (Gently correcting) Sell out.

 **Plucky:** (Filing his nails) He didn’t. I took care of him.

 **Shirley:** (Horrified) Like, no, Plucky. PLEASE tell me you didn’t!

 **Plucky:** I gave him an all-expenses paid vacation...

 **Shirley:** Oh. Like, that’s mondo out of character for you, or some junk.

 **Plucky:** (Sniggers) ...On Wild Goose Chase Island via Red Herring Airlines!

 **Shirley:** Like, that sounds about right.

 **Plucky:** I offered it to some others as well.

 **SH &F:** Who?

 **Plucky:** (Nonchalantly) Everybody else. Which means that we’re the only ones left ta run the show. Bit of a problem, I admit, but we’ll see it through.

 **H &F:** (Appalled) YOU DID WHAT?!

 **Shirley:** (Oddly hopeful) So, like, everybody’s gone?

 **Plucky:** Yep.

 **Shirley:** (Oddly hopeful) No acrobats, no clowns, no lion tamers?

 **Plucky:** Yeppity-Yep-Yep.

 _To his surprise,_ **Shirley** _abruptly embraces him._

 **Shirley:** (Ecstatic) Like, Pl-ucky, for once in your life, you’ve done something right!

 **Plucky:** (Smugly) So does this mean I don’t hafta sleep on the couch tonight?

 **Shirley:** Don’t push it.

 **Hamton:** (Protesting) Shirley, d-don’t you understand? It’s Opening Night, tonight! I-If we’re the only ones working…

 **Fifi:** Ze show will be ruined!

_She buries her face in her hands._

**Fifi:** (In despair) Oh, zis eez un disaster!

 **Plucky:** The show was already a disaster! I came along and improved things, you should be thanking me!

 **Hamton:** (Comforting **Fifi** ) Ah, well. At least you still have your tightrope walking and acrobatics to perform, and I have my eating talent!

 **Plucky:** (Chuckles nervously) Oh, uh, about that… that’s not happening.

 **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _look up to face him, their expressions baleful._

 **H &F:** (Coldly) What?

 **Plucky:** When I got rid of everybody, “everybody” also included the orchestra. Thankfully, they left their instruments behind. (Pointing at **H &F**) You're both in charge of the music.

 **Hamton:** (Exasperated) I don’t believe this. First, ya kick everybody out, then ya cancel our acts?!

 **Plucky:** (Defensively) Hey, what’s a circus without a soundtrack? Anyway, the two of you were boasting about how many instruments you could play yesterday!

 **Fifi:** (Angrily) Eef Hammy et moi are playing ze musique, vat will vous be doing?

 **Plucky:** Shirley and I will be providing the entertainment. It’ll demonstrate how my inherent leadership has allowed me ta work on the stage.

 **Shirley:** (Aghast) Like, me? Workin’ on the show? No way! I’m totally not makin’ a fool of myself, or some junk.

 **Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) Come up with yer own acts, then, if you’re gonna be so stubborn.

 **Shirley:** (Cheerfully) Okay, I will! (To the camera) I already have some ideas!

 **Plucky** _turns his attention to_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi**. _He abruptly rips their costumes off. In shock, the pair covers each other up._ **Plucky** _then stuffs them both into bright red marching band uniforms._

 **Plucky:** Here’re yer new costumes. Although the audience won’t see them when you’re in the orchestra pit. (To **Shirley** ) Now, then. Let the show begin!

 

**Act Four**

_As the sun begins to set, a huge crowd of people are lining up to enter the circus tent as_ **Plucky** _sits in the ticket booth, greedily snatching money from the customers as he dishes out tickets._

 **Plucky:** (Ballyhooing) Come one! Come all! It’s the greatest show on Earth: The Impromptu Circus! No money back guarantee for this spectacle, you’ll be so impressed!

 _The camera cuts to the huge darkened ring in the interior of the tent._ **Shirley** _peeks through the curtain as the stands slowly begin to fill with excited spectators. The loon is wearing a lime green Harem-like outfit._

 **Shirley:** (Awestruck) Like, wow. Our first night! My acts will show that yer only wastin’ yer money watching people walk tightropes or stuff their faces or some junk.

 **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _, both equally disgruntled by the turn of events, barge past_ **Shirley** _to get to their positions in the orchestra pit. The loon blushes. It’s obvious that they heard her comment._

 **Shirley:** (Reassuring herself) At least Feef an’ Hammy won’t hafta work so hard. Like, ya need soft, soothing tunes for my performance!

 _The brassy strains of_ **“Entrance of the Gladiators”** _begins to play as_ **Plucky** _marches smugly into the centre of the ring. He holds up a hand for the band to stop playing, but they continue. They can’t see him in the darkness._

 **Plucky:** (To the band) AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH, SHADDAP!!

 _T_ _he camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _, both looking indignant as they stop playing._ **Fifi** _had been playing a trumpet, whilst_ **Hamton** _had been playing a trombone._

 **Plucky:** (To the crowd) Welcome to…

_He realises there’s no lights._

**Plucky:** (Annoyed) Hold the phone.

 _He rushes offscreen as the audience murmurs in confusion. We hear several crashing noises before a spotlight turns on. After a beat,_ **Plucky** _rushes back and stands in its beacon._

 **Plucky:** (To the crowd) Welcome to the Impromptu Circus! The greatest show on Earth, ran by only two waterfowl!

 _He is interrupted by a sudden baritone blast. The camera briefly cuts to a glowering_ **Fifi** _as she holds a tuba, before cutting back to a peeved_ **Plucky**.

 **Plucky:** (Begrudgingly) And our music is provided by a pig and a skunk. (Cheerfully) So, without further ado, even though you obviously love me, here’s Shirley the Loon!

 _He rushes offscreen as the audience applauds._ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _play a fanfare as_ **Shirley** _struts into the spotlight, carrying a cushion. She sets it down on the ring and bows for a few seconds as the clapping dies down._

 **Shirley:** (To the crowd) Like, hi-yee! My name’s Shirley the Loon, and, like, you guys are totally in for an avant-garde performance, tonight! I ain’t using any mondo bland acrobatics, or some junk. This act involves everybody’s co-operation!

_She sits down on the pillow and gets into the lotus position._

**Shirley:** (Placidly) Just get into this position…

_She closes her eyes in serenity._

**Shirley:** (Relaxed) And we can begin.

 _Her concentration is broken as_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _suddenly start playing a raucous rendition of the_ **Can-Can** _song. The audience bursts out laughing as the loon gets to her feet._

 **Shirley:** (To the crowd) Like, excuse me a minute or some junk.

 _She rushes over to the orchestra pit as_ **Hamton** _plays the trumpet, and_ **Fifi** _bangs a bass drum. She takes a song sheet out of her pocket. The pair stop playing as she hands it to them. Looking at each other and shrugging their shoulders, they throw their respective instruments aside and start searching for something else._ **Shirley** _runs back to her cushion and resumes her position._

 **Shirley:** (To the crowd) Just get into this position…

_She closes her eyes in serenity._

**Shirley:** (Relaxed) And we can begin.

 _The music plays. Instead of an exciting bombastic ballad, it’s a smooth, gentle meditation song._ **Fifi** _is playing a flute, whilst_ **Hamton** _is playing an acoustic guitar._

 **Shirley:** (To the crowd) There. Isn’t this mondo groovy? This is an inner-circus, or some junk.

_The audience begins to mutter in disbelief._

**Shirley:** Now, like, here are yer instructions. You breathe in…

_She inhales deeply._

**Shirley:** Then ya breathe out…

_She exhales softly._

**Shirley:** Feel yer stress leave you like water from a sieve.

 _The muttering grows louder. There are rumblings about refunds._ **Plucky** _stares at his girlfriend in mingled confusion and fury._

 **Plucky:** (Horrified) What is she doing?! She’s ruining me! (To the camera) Once again, I hafta save the show!

 _He darts offscreen. The camera cuts back to_ **Shirley** _as she chants whilst meditating, blissfully unaware that some members of the crowd are leaving. Abruptly, the music changes from flute and guitar to trumpet and tuba._ **Shirley** _leaps about a foot in the air as she is snapped out of her meditation. Covering her ears as she recovers from the shock, she glowers at the orchestra stand._

 **Shirley:** (To **F &H**) What’re you guys doin’?! Yer totally messin’ up my act!

 _Suddenly,_ **Plucky** _runs rings around her on a unicycle. He is wearing an orange afro and a pink and white striped leisure suit._ **Shirley** _glowers at her boyfriend as the crowd laughs. She then snaps her fingers, and the unicycle explodes._ **Plucky** _falls in a heap as the crowd boos._

 **Shirley:** (To the crowd) Like, I’m mondo sorry for that interruption! We may as well move on to my second act… Tofu Tasting!

_She takes several blocks of tofu out of her pockets as the flute and guitar music resumes._

**Shirley:** Like, marvel at how simplistic these bean curds are, or some junk. They’re mondo healthy, too, and all part of a balanced diet! They totally sound nice when ya chew on ‘em, too!

 _Suddenly, the flute and guitar music is replaced by a jaunty piano and clarinet._ **Shirley** _does a double-take as_ **Plucky** _bounces in on a pogo stick with a tap shoe on the spring. He is wearing a black top hat and tails._ **Shirley** _goes red in the face as a black thundercloud appears above the jovially bouncing duck. There is a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder and a burnt and blackened_ **Plucky** _trudges offscreen, his clothes on fire as the ragtime music ends._

 **Shirley:** (To **H &F**, through gritted teeth) Like, WHERE WERE WE?

 _The camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _looking quite exhausted._ **Fifi** _throws her clarinet away whilst_ **Hamton** _shoves the piano offscreen with a crash. We cut back to_ **Shirley** _as the meditation music resumes. The stands are now completely empty._

 **Shirley:** (To no-one in particular) Like, this tofu comes in different flavours an’ it totally makes a mondo tingly noise when ya chew on it, or some junk!

 _She picks up a block of tofu and is about to eat it when a custard pie hits her in the face with a SPLAT! The meditation music abruptly halts! The camera pans over to_ **Plucky** _wearing a clown costume and holding another pie._

 **Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) Pies make a groovy splattin’ sound when ya throw ‘em!

 _He honks the red nose on the end of his bill._ **Shirley’s** _eyes are bloodshot as we get a closeup of her face contorting into a grimace of rage. The pie mixture on her head begins to cook and sizzle. She turns and points at_ **Plucky** _, bolts of lightning dancing on her body._

 **Shirley:** (Demonic, to **Plucky** ) YOU!! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!!

 **Plucky:** (Positively terrified) NYAAAAH!

_He runs for his life, his clown costume flying off._

**Plucky:** (Frantically) Woop, woop, woop, woop, woop, woop, woop!

 **Shirley** _sprints after him, the pie mixture flying off her head. The camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _who are supporting each other amidst the clutter of musical instruments, absolutely tuckered out. They suddenly notice what is going on, see that the audience has completely left, share a look and shrug their shoulders._ **Fifi** _takes out a violin,_ **Hamton** _gets a trumpet, and they begin to play a frantic tune._

 _A furious_ **Shirley** _looks around for her screwed boyfriend._ **Plucky** _peers at her from behind a huge red and white target. Unfortunately for him,_ **Shirley** _senses his scared aura, and wheels round, using her psychic powers to levitate some knives and throws them at him._ **Plucky** _does a double-take, before dodging, dipping, ducking and diving as the knives narrowly miss him by inches._

 **Plucky:** (To **H &F**, terrified) Change the score! CHANGE THE SCORE!!

 _He flees offscreen, followed by a snorting, snarling loon. The music abruptly changes to a beautiful waltz as_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _dance gracefully back into the camera’s focus._ **Shirley** _is dressed like_ **Belle** _, whilst_ **Plucky** _is dressed like the_ **Beast**. _We briefly cut to the orchestra stand._ **Fifi** _is playing a harp, whilst_ **Hamton** _plays a cello._

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Music soothes the savage beast! Plucky Duck saves the day again! (To **Shirley** ) How about a kiss since all’s forgiven, cupcake?

 **Shirley’s** _eyes slowly open and her happy expression slowly darkens._

 **Shirley:** (To **F &H**) Like, CHANGE THE SCORE!!

 **Plucky** _breaks free of_ **Shirley’s** _grip and runs for his life. For some reason, there is no music playing._ **Shirley** _screeches to a halt next to the pole which holds the entire tent up._

 **Shirley:** (Angrily looking round) Like, where’s that conniving coward of a second banana?!

 _The camera slowly pans upwards to reveal_ **Plucky** _wearing lederhosen and climbing up the pole as if it’s a mountain. He turns his attention to the orchestra stand and silently pleads his friends not to play._ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _, both red in the face from exhaustion, grin devilishly at each other as they change instruments._ **Hamton** _gets out an accordion, whilst_ **Fifi** _gets out a tuba. The camera cuts to_ **Shirley** _as the pig and skunk begin to play a polka. Roused by the music, she looks up to see_ **Plucky** _looking down at her in terror._

 **Shirley:** (Furiously) Like, ain’t no mountain high enough ta keep me from YOU!!

 _She rushes offscreen and comes back with an axe. She begins to hack at the support like a huge tree._ **Plucky’s** _eyes widen with terror as he realises that the pole is what’s holding up the tent._

 **Plucky:** NO, SHIRL!! IT’S…

 _There is a crunching sound and the pole begins to fall, taking the tent with it._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _stop playing in shock, and the loon’s anger abates as she sees what is about to happen._

 **Shirley:** (To the camera) Totally didn’t think that through…

 _With an ear-splitting crash, the whole circus tent falls to the ground, the lights turning off. There is a ten second pause before_ **Plucky** _crawls out from under the wreckage._

 **Plucky:** (Sobbing) My beautiful circus! RUINED!! (In shock) The money! Surely they didn’t!

_He rushes over to the ransacked ticket booth. To his consternation, the cash register is entirely empty. The green duck does a spin-change, emerging in a red and white striped clown costume with white face paint._

**Plucky:** (Opera singing) Vesti La Giubba!

_He coughs violently, ruining the effect._

**Shirley:** (Angrily storming over) Like, ya only have yerself ta blame, you lily-livered slimeball! I thought ya totally loved me, but no! You just can’t resist stealin’ other people’s thunder, or some junk! An’ guess what? Ya messed up our plan for the spinoff!

 **Plucky:** (Lividly defensive) Oh, that’s rich comin’ from YOU! You were MORE than willin’ ta have our friend’s acts cut so you could show the payin’ public the SNORESVILLE SPECIAL! All I was doin’ was savin’ the show!

 **Shirley’s** _anger suddenly leaves her as she remembers her friends. We cut to_ **Fifi** _helping_ **Hamton** _get out from under the collapsed tent. The blonde loon hurries over to them._ **Fifi** _sticks her nose up at her as_ **Hamton** _gets to his feet. He uncharacteristically glares at_ **Shirley**.

 **Shirley:** Like, Feef, Hammy...we're mondo sorry fer leavin' you outta the show.

 **Plucky:** What?!

 **Shirley:** (Ignoring him) Please...if there's anything we can do ta make it up to you, we'll totally do it.

 **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _look at each other, then grin slyly._

 

**Act Five**

_We cut to a shot of_ **Fifi** _, wearing her fluorescent blue pantyhose and ballerina’s tutu and carrying a small pink umbrella, walking a tightrope. Some incredibly bad circus music can be heard playing._

 **Fifi:** (Mock shock) Sacré bleu! Zis musique eez too brassy! (Shouts, to **P &S**) CHANGE EET!!

 _The camera pans down to reveal_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _in the orchestra pit, wearing the marching band uniforms and frantically changing instruments._ **Shirley** _picks up a flute and begins to play it._ **Plucky** _twangs on a banjo._ **Fifi** _twirls on the tightrope before skipping to the other side._

 **Fifi:** (To a nonexistent crowd) Merci! Merci!

 _S_ _he bows and blows kisses._

 **Hamton:** Okay, it's my turn! (Shouts, to **P &S**) CHANGE THE SCORE!!

 _Aghast, the two waterfowl scramble to find a different instrument._ **Hamton** _, wearing his black and red luchador’s costume and mask, takes out a table laden with thousands of Weenie Burgers._

 **Fifi:** Where eez ze musique?! Rapidmont! Rapidmont!

 _Musical instruments fly in the air as_ **Hamton** _ties a napkin around his neck. As he prepares to eat, he suddenly pauses._

 **Hamton:** This act requires BRASS instruments!

 **Plucky:** (Protesting) But we dunno how ta play brass instruments!

 **Fifi:** Zen vous 'ad better learn! 

 **Plucky** _takes out a trumpet whilst_ **Shirley** _searches._

 **Plucky:** (Growls, to **Shirley** ) We could've avoided this if you had kept yer mouth shut!

 **Shirley:** (Angrily) Like, shut up an' play, Pluckface!

 _A strangled-sounding trumpet begins to play as_ **Hamton** _prepares to eat. He suddenly pauses._

 **Hamton:** (Slyly) I can hear the trumpet...but I can't hear a tuba!

 **Shirley:** (Shocked) Like, he's kidding, right? 

 **Fifi:** (Slyly) Non! Vous are 'olding up ze performance! Add ze oompah or vous are fired!

 **Shirley’s** _cheeks puff out and redden as she begins to play the tuba._ **Hamton** _swallows the burgers in one gulp, and goes to stand with_ **Fifi** _under the spotlight. Taking hands, they proceed to bow to a non-existent crowd as the bad music continues to play._

 **Plucky:** (Narrating) I think we all learned something today. When I say that, I mean Shirley and, to a lesser extent, myself. Working in a circus isn’t all fun and games. Especially when you get rid of everybody working on it. I suppose we’ll have to find something else to do. Mainly because the Ringmaster probably found out I screwed him over an’ wants my head on a stick. You know what they say though: The Show Must Go On! Spinoff Log: End of Entry 2.

 

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**CREDITS**

Written by: **Redtop95**


	4. Shut Up and Drive!

_We are given a view of a_ **Lamborghini Miura** _driving along a mountainous road. We can see patches of green trees in the valley below as the car drives smoothly along the tarmac, turning gracefully at each curve, its paint gleaming in the bright sun as it drives over a bridge with a sparkling blue river running beneath it. Finally we see the vehicle zoom past the camera._

 **Male Voiceover:** (Singing) On days like these…

 _There is a deafening crash as the_ **Lamborghini** _explodes in a huge fireball. The camera pans over to reveal it has crashed into a bulldozer being driven by_ **Wile. E Coyote.** _The canine stares at the camera in annoyance and holds up a sign which says:_ **“Oh, bother”**.

 

**THE PLUCKY DUCK SHOW**

**Episode 4:**

**Shut Up and Drive!**

 

**Act One**

**Plucky** _is wearing a crash helmet and clinging onto a steering wheel for dear life as he wrenches it from side to side. Beads of sweat trickle down his forehead as he grits his teeth. The unseen car begins to shudder violently for five seconds before it suddenly halts. The green duck looks dumbfounded as the camera zooms out to reveal that he is sat in a child’s ride. The bratty_ **Dead End Kid** _from_ **“Easter Yeggs”** _is hopping up and down in a tantrum._

 **Dead End Kid:** (To **Plucky** ) I wanna go on the ride, I wanna go on the ride! Get outta there, ya loser, I wanna go on the ride!

 _He grabs_ **Plucky** _, yanks him out of the car and body slams him to the ground. Then, he snatches the duck’s crash helmet and puts it on as the ride begins again._

 **Plucky:** (Indignant, to the camera) Well! I blame the parents.

 _Suddenly, three huge thugs (one of them female!) rush in on him and start shooting him for a few seconds before rushing off again, leaving him hole-riddled and blackened._ **Shirley** _, holding a strawberry ice cream with a sneer on her face, walks up and looks down at him scornfully._

 **Shirley:** (To **Plucky** , bitterly) Like, I SO love the new look for ya, Pl-ucky. It totally suits how I feel about you: SHOT THROUGH THE HEART!

_Flicking her hair and turning her head away, she marches offscreen._

**Plucky:** (Grumpily) Boy, does she give love a bad name.

 _T_ _he camera pans out to reveal that they are at what appears to be a tour of a film set. A poster reads:_ **Crazy Carl: A Film by Michael Wharf** _. People can be seen looking at all the different props and vehicles that are being used in the movie. We can see_ **Hamton** _buying a hotdog from a concessions stand, and_ **Fifi** _is examining what looks like a rusty_ **Ferrari Daytona** _before taking a picture with a camera._

 **Plucky:** (Narrating) Spinoff Log: Entry 3. We’ve arrived at a tour of a film set. The movie that’s bein’ filmed during our visit is Crazy Carl, a completely original film directed, written and produced by a Mr Michael Wharf. Accordin’ to the leaflet we were given when we arrived, the difference between this movie and other movies is that a lot more stuff blows up.

 _There is a thunderous explosion as the ride that the_ **Dead End Kid** _is on suddenly vanishes in a ball of fire._

 **Plucky:** (Narrating) See what I mean?

 **Plucky** _picks himself up and does a spin change, emerging as his usual self. He walks over to_ **Shirley** _, who promptly walks away from him._

 **Plucky:** (To the camera, bitterly) Shirley’s still actin’ like a baby over that circus fiasco. (Gesturing to **Fifi** and **Hamton** ) The two lovebirds ain’t speakin’ to me either. Do any of you realise how difficult it is to work alongside people who harbour so much animosity?!

 _Suddenly, a_   **Male Human** _with shaggy brown hair and a black baseball cap with the WB shield walks into view._

 **Male Human:** (To the camera) Did somebody say harbour? That’s a synonym for Wharf, which is me!

_A huge wall of fire appears behind him as something explodes._

**Plucky:** (Amazed) You? You’re Michael Wharf??

_We hear the sound of an explosion in the background._

**Michael:** (Smugly) Yes, I’m Michael Wharf.

_Another huge wall of fire appears behind him as something explodes._

**Workman:** (Offscreen) Can ya stop sayin’ yer name? I’m runnin’ outta stuff ta blow up!

 **Michael:** (To **Plucky** ) I was just checkin’ out all the excited enthusiasts wantin’ ta see my new and completely original destructive movie when I overheard your fourth-wall breaking soliloquy about animosity!

 **Plucky:** (With a raised eyebrow) What’s it to ya?

 **Michael:** As an esteemed film director, I’ve experienced several feuds and bitter squabbles!

 _We are given a brief throwaway gag of_ **Jeremy Clarkson** _punching a producer in the face before cutting back to_ **Plucky** _and_ **Michael**.

 **Michael:** As Stanislavski once said, emotions can help an actor improve their performance! Whoever he is.

 **Plucky:** (Dismissively) Good for him.

 **Michael:** (Grumpily) The trouble is that my so-called professional leading couple haven’t studied Stanislavski. Even less than I have! (Frustrated) They’re supposed ta hate each other in this movie! (To **Plucky** ) Every time we stop filming, they go into their trailer an’ don’t come out for an hour!

_We cut to a trailer. The curtains are closed, and we can hear thumping noises coming from within._

**Female Lead:** (Offscreen) I love how gentle you are!

 _The camera cuts to the trailer’s interior. The_ **Male Lead** _is playing “Whack-a-mole” while the_ **Female Lead** _watches. The two actors are both human. We cut back to_ **Plucky** _and_ **Michael**.

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled) So? They’re only actin’, aren’t they?

 **Michael** _suddenly grabs the duck and pulls him up face-to-face._

 **Michael:** (Manic) YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! THEY HAFTA HATE EACH OTHER’S GUTS WHETHER THEY’RE ACTING OR NOT! I WANT A SCANDAL! I WANT SOMEBODY’S EAR BITTEN OFF! I WANNA HEAR ABOUT INAPPROPRIATE CONTACT WITH AN ANIMAL AS PART OF A COLLEGE INITIATION! I WANT MY COMPLETELY ORIGINAL MOVIE TA GET MORE ATTENTION!!

 **Plucky:** (Beat, deadpan) You need a plastic surgeon and some toothpaste.

 _He gets out of_ **Michael’s** _grasp and jumps back down to the ground._

 **Plucky:** (Wryly) Have you been waiting all day for someone ta listen to that?

 **Michael:** (Calm, casual) Yes. (Melodramatic) But when I overheard your complaining about your soulmate harbouring… (To the camera) Synonymous name drop! (To **Plucky** ) …A grudge against you, I knew that you were both perfect for my movie!

 _Upon hearing this,_ **Plucky’s** _unimpressed demeanour instantly diminishes to that of joy, and his pupils turn into glimmering stars._

 **Plucky:** STARS IN YOUR MOVIE?!

 _He leaps into_ **Michael’s** _arms._

 **Plucky:** (Delighted) Why didn’t ya say so? I’d love ta be the leading man in your totally non-ripoff motion picture!

 **Michael:** As stunt-doubles.

 **Plucky:** (Flatly) What?

 **Michael** _drops him, and he falls to the ground with a thump._

 **Michael:** In most of the stunts I came up with for this movie, there is a 2% chance you could die!

 **Plucky:** (Aghast) 2%?! (To the camera) That’s 1% above 1%!

 **Michael:** There’s no way the leading actors could carry the stunts out! I’d never work again!

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

 **Michael:** That’s why I decided that some generic stunt people could do it.

 **Plucky:** (Smugly) Best way to plan!

 **Michael:** So, you get the girlfriend who wants you dead and bring her back here so we can get started!

 **Plucky:** (Confidently) Will do!

 

**Act Two**

_We cut to_ **Plucky** _begging with_ **Shirley** _at what appears to be a snack bar for the tourists._ **Shirley** _is sipping a glass of Coo-Coo Cola. It is interesting to note that_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _are sat at a table in the background rather than with the loon._

 **Plucky:** (Whining) Oh, come on, Shirl! We’ll be in a movie!

 **Shirley:** (Bitingly sarcastic) Oh! Like, look who’s come crawlin’ back ta plead for my forgiveness!

 **Plucky:** (Angrily) I ain’t askin’ for YOUR forgiveness, I’m askin’ ya ta be in a movie with me!

 **Shirley:** (Furiously) Well, that’s a mondo lie, or some junk! You’ll just try ta upstage me again like ya did at the circus!

 **Plucky:** (Throwing his hands in the air) I can’t believe you’re still mad about that! Ya keep actin’ like it happened yesterday!

 **Shirley:** (Vehemently) Like, it DID happen yesterday!

 **Plucky:** (Mutters) There’s a thing called ‘moving on’, you should try it!

 **Shirley:** Like, what about Feef an’ Hammy? What’re they gonna do if we’re workin’ on this flick, or some junk?

 **Plucky:** Who cares? If it means bein’ away from their sour pusses, I’ll all for it!

 **Shirley:** (Scornfully) Like, you totally don’t understand why they’re mad at ya, don’t ya? It was your fault that they didn’t get ta perform!

 **Plucky:** (Scathing) Typical! You’re always trying ta shirk responsibility. It’s never your fault, is it?!

 **S** **hirley:** Coincidentally, it’s never YER fault, either!

 **Michael:** (Tearfully, offscreen) This is BEAUTIFUL!

 _He walks into the shot and stands next to_ **Shirley’s** _table._

 **Michael:** (Tearfully) So much anger! So much hatred! So much…

 **Shirley:** (Impatiently interrupting) Like, who are you?

 **Michael:** (Insulted) I’m the director of Crazy Carl: Michael Wharf!

_There is a deafening explosion as the snack bar erupts into flames._

**Shirley:** (Moodily, turning away) Like, tell it ta someone who cares!

 **Michael:** (To **Plucky** ) I can see why you think she’ll fit the bill! Once you two are zooming around, tryin’ ta blow each other up, I’ll be RICH!

 **Shirley’s** _anger abates as a thought bubble appears above her head. In her mind’s eye, she is driving a quad bike and chasing a terrified_ **Plucky** _. We can see that she is wild-eyed and raving._

 **Imaginary Shirley:** LIKE, SEE HOW YOU LIKE HAVIN’ YER HEART COMBUSTED, OR SOME JUNK!!

 _She whips out a bazooka and fires a missile at_ **Plucky** _. The green duck explodes in a ball of fire and emerges as a roast duck as the thought bubble pops._ **Shirley** _is grinning rather maliciously at the camera as she considers the offer._

 **Shirley:** (In an oddly sweet tone, to **Michael** ) And yer totally right, Mr Wharf!

_We hear the sound of an explosion in the background._

**Shirley:** (Sweetly) Pl-ucky an’ I hate each other SOOOOO much, that we’ll give the greatest performance since Neil Diamond, or some junk.

 **Michael:** (Jovially) Well, that’s just…

 **Shirley:** (Slyly) But, I ain’t doin’ it without them.

 _She points to_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _, who are still in the background._

 **Shirley:** (Slyly) Since Pl-ucky is the leader of our troupe, he’ll go ask ‘em.

 **Plucky:** (Outraged, to **Shirley** ) ME?! Why me?!

 **Shirley:** (Spitefully pleased) Like, Pl-ucky. This is our chance! Mr Wharf…

_We hear the sound of an explosion in the background._

**Shirley:** …Might decide ta get someone else ta be the stunt doubles, or some junk.

 **Plucky** _looks as if he is about to argue, but then he finally sighs in frustration as he walks towards the pig and skunkette._

 **Plucky:** (Grumpily, to Shirley) I thought you were supposed to mature as ya got older…

 _He stalks over to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _and is just about to open his mouth to yell at them, when a_ **Ram** _with beige fur and wearing a tuxedo rushes up and head-butts him. The force of the blow sends_ **Plucky** _flying backwards and crashing into a brick wall. He is spread eagled, stars circling his head._

 **Shirley:** (To the **Ram** ) Good shot, dude!

 **Plucky** _recovers and pulls himself off the wall. He storms up to the_ **Ram**.

 **Plucky:** (Furious) What was that for?! _As the duck reaches the_ **Ram** _, he lowers his head, revealing some very sharp horns._ **Plucky** _balks upon seeing these._

 **Ram:**  (Threatening) Don’t come another step closer, you lowlife understudy!

 **Plucky:** (Annoyed) Get outta my way, ya walkin’ lawnmower! I wanna talk to my friends!

 _He tries to walk past him, but the_ **Ram** _intervenes, pushing him back._

 **Ram:** They don’t wanna talk ta you…an’ they’re NOT your friends!

 **Plucky:** (Hotly) What’s that got ta do with you?!

 _Upon hearing this, the herbivore straightens up, and takes a calling card out of his tuxedo pocket._ **Plucky** _snatches it from him and reads what it has to say._

 **Plucky:** (Reading from the card, incredulously) Randy Ram, Attorney at Law?! (To **Randy** ) What’s this all about?!

 **Randy:** (To **Plucky** ) My job is…

_He takes a sheet of paper out of another pocket._

**Randy:** (Reading from the sheet) …To prevent a Green Daffy from making contact with Ms Fifi La Fume and Mr Hamton J Pig.

_He then ravenously eats the paper and swallows it._

**Plucky:** (Shocked) They…they put a restraining order against me?! But we need ‘em for the movie!

 **Shirley** _walks past_ **Randy** _towards the pig and skunkette. She smirks at her boyfriend’s misfortune as he stares dumbfounded at her._

 **Shirley:** (Mockingly cheerful) Like, hi, Randy!

 **Randy:** (Cheerily) Hello, Ms. Loon.

 **Plucky** _attempts to follow_ **Shirley** _, but he suddenly lowers his horns, pushing the duck away._

 **Randy:** (Grimly) Where’d ya think you’re going?

 **Plucky:** (Pointing after **Shirley** ) Why’d ya let her past?! Feef an’ Hammy are mad at her, too!

 **Randy:** According to my reports, Ms. Loon apologised to my clients. They are currently in a stage in which they are still speaking to her, but they have not fully forgiven her, yet.

 **Plucky:** (Sarcastically) Oh, an’ I suppose that the only way for my restraining order to expire is for me to apologise.

 **Randy:** (Casually) That’s right.

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Darn. (Angrily, to **Randy** ) Well, this all just goes to show how immature my so-called best friend an’ his squeeze really are! I’ve nothin’ ta be sorry for!

 **Randy:** (Growls whilst lowering his head) I don’t think it’s a good idea ta talk about my clients like that!

 **Plucky:** (Snidely) Aww, does the slimeball of a lawyer actually care for them? (Smugly) Just so you know, they’re part of MY show. I can say whatever I want about them, and there’s nothing ya can do about it!

 _The camera cuts to_ **Michael** _, who is reading a magazine which has the words_ **“OFFENSIVE STEREOTYPES IN MOVIES”** _on the front cover. There is a crunching noise offscreen, and_ **Plucky** _flies backwards, crashing into the brick wall once more._

 **Michael:** (To **Plucky** ) Got your friends ta work on the movie yet?

 **Plucky:** (Groggily) No…

 **Shirley** _struts past, followed by_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _, who are walking arm-in-arm._ **Randy** _circles the pig and skunk like a shark, preventing others from getting close to them._

 **Shirley:** Like, don’t worry, Pl-ucky. I explained ta Feef an’ Hammy, and they agreed ta be in the movie…provided you stay away from them, of course.

 **Fifi** _takes one look at_ **Plucky** _, and sticks her nose in the air._ **Hamton** _simply refuses to acknowledge the duck’s presence._

 **Michael:** (Excited) So much hostility! This movie’s gonna be awesome!

 

**Act Three**

_We cut to a long, barren desert. We can see the heat emanating from the dry ground, and sand blows about in the breeze. If you look closely, the_ **Roadrunner** _can be seen rushing to and fro. Under the shade of a huge canopy,_ **Michael** _is giving_ **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _a lecture on what they’re supposed to do in the script._ **Randy** _is stood between_ **Plucky** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton**. _He is calculating how far away the green duck is sat from the pig and skunkette with some measuring tape._

 **Michael:** (To the group) Now, listen up! Here’s what happens in “Crazy Carl”, a film by Michael Wharf.

 _In the background, we see the_ **Roadrunner** _burst into flames._

 **Michael:** My movie is a love story…on wheels. That’s never been done before!

 **Shirley:** (Interrupting) Like, what about that Disney…

 _We abruptly cut to a race track._ **Herbie the Love Bug** _is zooming along it. He’s way ahead of the other racecars. With an ear-splitting explosion,_ **Herbie** _bursts into flames. We abruptly cut back to a smug looking_   **Michael**.

 **Michael:** Like I said: it’s never been done before. (Continuing) So, Crazy Carl has a girlfriend called Batty Bertha. Bertha is furious, and I mean, FURIOUS at Carl for upstaging her in the Kaboomski Car Rally.

 **Plucky:** (Thinking, confused) Why does this sequence sound familiar?

 **Shirley:** (Thinking, angry) Like, the dishonest dirtbag! This Carl dude reminds me of a certain mondo pathetic little squab!

 **Michael:** So, Bertha confronts Carl in this desert, and they engage in a super cool, unnecessarily violent fight sequence, whilst driving in cars! (Eagerly) How does that sound?

 **Shirley:** (Grimly enthusiastic) Like, no problemo. (Pointing at **Plucky** ) I have absolutely NO qualms with tryin’ ta blow up this dork.

 **Plucky:** (Antagonising) Oh, yeah? Well, don’t think I’ll go easy on ya just because you’re a girl!

 **Michael:** (Gleefully) That’s it! Use your mutual hatred ta fuel your acting!

 **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _gaze grimly at each other._ **Fifi** _rolls her eyes at their argument and speaks up._

 **Fifi:** (To **Michael** ) Excusez-moi, mais vat are Hammy et moi going to do if vous only need zose infants dans your film?

 **Michael:** (Dismissively) You and your boyfriend will be the understudy stunt doubles. You know, just in case the stunt doubles die.

 **Shirley:** (Acidic) Or if I kill this slimeball first!

 **Plucky:** (Angrily, to **Shirley** ) I don’t think so! I know all about drivin’ from playin’ video games!!

 **Hamton:** (To **Michael** ) If we’re the secondary stunt doubles, then we won’t be very good.

 **Michael:** (Apathetically) I’m glad we agree. (Regarding **Fifi** and **Hamton** ) Your problem is that the two of you get along. That’s NOT what I need or want in my movie. Therefore, I’ve decided that in order for you to hate each other, you’ll be individually spending your time with your respective stunt double partners. (To **Fifi** while pointing at **Shirley** ) You’re with “Bertha”… (To **Hamton** while pointing at **Plucky** ) You’re with “Carl”.

 **Randy:** (Calmly) Well, I’m afraid we have a problem.

 **Michael:** (Confused) Excuse me?

 **Randy** _hands him a sheet of paper. He reads it intently._

 **Randy:** (Clipped) Green Daffy is strictly forbidden to make any contact whatsoever with either Ms. La Fume or Mr. Pig. If he works alongside Mr. Pig, he shall violate this rule and it’s punishable by a prison sentence.

 **Plucky:** (Frustrated) Oh, YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS!

 **Randy:** (Business-like) There is however, a way for Green Daffy to remove the restraining order is for him to acknowledge the fact that what he has done is wrong and apologises to my clients. Unfortunately, he has adamantly refused to do so.

 **Plucky:** (Getting to his feet) Because I’ve nothing to be sorry for! “Ms. La Fume” and “Mr. Pig” are just bein’ immature!

 **Fifi:** (Coolly) Oh, zat eez rich coming from ze homme-enfant who cannot, how-you-say, grow up et accept ze responsibility!

 **Plucky:** It’s not MY fault! (Points at **Shirley** ) It’s her! She’s the one who willingly dumped your stupid circus acts!

 **Hamton:** (Vehemently) And you’re the one who got rid of all the performers in the first place!

 **Michael:** (To the camera) See? This is the hatred I need in my movie! The lovers learn so fast. (To **Plucky** ) It’s simple! Violate this restraining order! It’ll create a scandal so huge, I can use it as a publicity stunt!

 **Shirley:** (Mockingly) Like, that’s a groovy idea! (To **Plucky** ) You can go ta jail an’ be with that pitiful failure you call a mentor! That’ll be mondo awesome for you considerin’ ya think the sun shines out of his…

 **Michael:** (Cheerfully) So, we’re all agreed?

_Before any of them reply, he continues._

**Michael:** (Cheerfully) Perfect! Once we film all the scenes with the amateurs, I’ll let you know when the super awesome climax is about to happen! (Sternly, to **Fifi** and **Hamton** ) You are not to see each other during filming or any time at all whilst you’re working on this movie. I want the two of you ta hate each other by the time we’re done.

 **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _look at each other uneasily._ **Michael** _turns his attention to_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley**.

 **Michael:** (To **P &S**) I want you ta take your respective secondary stunt doubles to your trailers…

_He points to two different coloured trailers in the distance._

**Michael:** …And give them a lecture on how to despise one another.

 **Plucky:** (Amazed) We have trailers?! (To the camera) I’m finally going up in the world!

 **Shirley** _rolls her eyes and takes_ **Fifi’s** _arm. She sneers at_ **Plucky**.

 **Shirley:** (Grimly) Like, come on, Feef. Girl talk.

 **Fifi** _reluctantly allows her friend to lead her away to the trailer that_ **Michael** _had indicated._ **Plucky** _is about to do the same thing for_ **Hamton** _when_ **Randy** _suddenly stands between them, stopping the duck from getting any closer._

 **Plucky:** (Sulkily, to **Hamton** ) C’mon.

 _He turns and stalks towards his appointed trailer, followed from a distance by_ **Hamton** _and_ **Randy**. **Michael** _watches them go, before turning around to face the camera._

 **Michael:** (To some offscreen workers) Alright, let’s get back to work!!

 

**Act Four**

_We cut to the interior of the girl’s trailer._ **Shirley** _is sat on a cushion, although she is not in the lotus position. In fact, she doesn’t seem to be in the mood to meditate at all!_

 **Shirley:** (Tense) Like, sit down, Feef. I wanna tell ya how ta totally hate yer boyfriend, or some junk.

 **Fifi:** (Short) Mais, ah do not hate Hamtone.

 **Shirley:** (Snappy) Like, too bad! In order ta give a great performance, ya need to vision yer boyfriend in mondo pain…or worse. (Dangerously) Now, sit down.

 **Fifi** _begrudgingly does so. We suddenly cut to the boy’s trailer._ **Hamton** _is sat on a chair, whilst_ **Plucky** _is on the other side of the trailer, being held back by_ **Randy**.

 **Plucky:** (Bitterly) Women…who needs their petulance?

 _We abruptly cut back to_ **Shirley**.

 **Shirley:** (Sourly) Men…all that arrogance they possess.

 _We abruptly cut back to_ **Plucky**.

 **Plucky:** (Bitterly) Their whiny nagging…

 _We abruptly cut back to_ **Shirley**.

 **Shirley:** (Sourly) Their mondo disgusting fantasies…

 _We abruptly cut back to_ **Plucky**.

 **Plucky:** (Bitterly) The way they say you always think about yourself and never about them…

 _We abruptly cut back to_ **Shirley**.

 **Shirley:** (Sourly) All they care about is fame an’ fortune, or some junk!

 _We abruptly cut back to_ **Plucky**.

 **Plucky:** (Bitterly) They just don’t understand our desires…

 _We abruptly cut back to_ **Shirley**.

 **Shirley:** (Sourly) Ya think ya totally need ‘em…

 _We abruptly cut back to_ **Plucky**.

 **Plucky:** (Bitterly) But it’s always the same…

 _We’re suddenly shown a split-screen of the two waterfowl._ **Plucky** _is on the left, while_ **Shirley** _is on the right._

 **P &S:** (In unison) They’re nothing but trouble, and you start ta question why you ever fell in love with them in the first place!

 _The split screen suddenly cuts to_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _, both equally unimpressed by their respective friend’s damning lecture._ _Please note that when_ **H &F** _speak, they are doing so in unison._

 **Fifi:** (Curtly) Are vous talking about men dans general…or are vous just talking about Plucky?

 **Hamton:** (Brusquely) Are you talking about women in general…or are you just talking about Shirley?

 _The split screen cuts back to_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley**. _Both look outraged at the suggestion._ **P &S** _also speak in unison here._

 **Shirley:** (Testily) That’s none of your business!

 **Plucky:** (Touchily) That’s none of your business!

 **Shirley** _angrily shoves the split screen out of the way as she glares at_ **Fifi**.

 **Shirley:** (Grumpily, to **Fifi** ) Pl-ucky has nothin’ ta do with this! I’m just tellin’ you the truth!

 **Plucky** _abruptly shoves the split screen back, knocking_ **Shirley** _offscreen. He is gazing furiously at_ **Hamton**.

 **Plucky:** (Moodily, to **Hamton** ) All they do is whine at ya, then they toss you aside like yesterday’s trash!

 _The camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _, who still looks unimpressed._

 **Fifi:** (Distant, to **Shirley** ) Well, ah see several flaws dans your logic. Pour example, look at Hammy et moi!

 _The camera cuts to_ **Hamton**.

 **Hamton:** (Aloof, to **Plucky** ) Fifi and I get along with each other just fine.

 _The camera cuts to_ **Fifi**.

 **Fifi:** (Distant, to **Shirley** ) We ‘ave been together pour nearly deux ans.

 _The camera cuts to_ **Hamton**.

 **Hamton:** (Aloof, to **Plucky** ) And during that time, we’ve learnt to help each other when one of us is in trouble, listen to each other whether one of us is happy or sad…

 _The camera cuts to_ **Fifi**.

 **Fifi:** (Distant, to **Shirley** ) We ‘ave shared different ‘obbies avec each other, et we always spend our time together: at ze Happy World Land, at au cinema. Dans short…

 _The split-screen suddenly returns._ **Hamton** _is on the left, while_ **Fifi** _is on the right._

 **H &F:** (In unison) We love each other.

 _The camera abruptly cuts to a glowering_ **Plucky** _. We can see smoke wafting from his head as he snarls._

 **Plucky:** (Derisively furious) Oh, here we go! You hafta bring up your “perfect” little relationship an’ gloat about how it’s better than mine!

 **Hamton:** (Defensively) At least we get along, unlike you and Shirley.

 **Plucky’s** _eyes turn bloodshot and he is about to storm over to the pig, when_ **Randy** _forces him back to his corner._

 **Plucky:** (Livid) You swine!

 _We cut back to_ **Fifi**.

 **Fifi:** (Dispassionately, to **Shirley** ) If vous ‘ate ‘im, zen, how-you-say, break up avec ‘im.

 **Shirley:** (Angrily) It ain’t like that! It’s him! I ain’t done nothing wrong, or some junk! He’s just so mondo selfish, he can’t stand seein’ someone else in the spotlight! If he were just like how I wanted him ta be…

 **Fifi:** (Interrupting, coolly) Now who eez ze selfish one?

 **Shirley** _turns red in the face and lightning dances in her eyes._

 **Shirley:** (Infuriated) Like, what is the matter with you?! Why are you actin’ this way?! I apologised, didn’t I?! I totally thought you were my friend!

 _We cut back to_ **Plucky**.

 **Plucky:** (Incensed, to **Hamton** ) I don’t like your attitude towards me, lately! I know why you’ve been actin’ like this, too! It’s that stinky friend-stealer! She’s turned you against me!

 **Hamton** _abruptly gets to his feet._

 **Hamton:** (Deadly calm) Don’t talk about Fifi like that.

 _We cut back to_ **Shirley** _, who is still enraged._

 **Shirley:** (Fuming, to **Fifi** ) I totally thought that you of all Toons would know how I feel! Yer used ta bein’ dumped! Yer used ta guys walkin’ out on ya! And that’s only ‘cos ya smell bad! It probably won’t be long before Hammy gives ya the heave-ho as well!

 _A sudden change happens to_ **Fifi** _as her friend says this. Her calm, indifferent manner evaporates and changes to crushed shock._

 **Fifi:** (Tearfully) Quoi?

 **Shirley’s** _anger abates as she realises what she has just said to her friend. We cut to_ **Plucky** _, who is still beside himself._

 **Plucky:** (Spitefully) I find it hilarious that yer so defensive towards that… that thing! She’s only goin’ out with you because you’re the only guy who doesn’t run away screaming when she shows up…and she feels sorry for you! Once a more attractive guy shows up, she’ll dump you!

 _A sudden change happens to_ **Hamton** _as his friend says this. His calm, indifferent manner evaporates and changes to crushed shock. We cut back to_ **Shirley** _as she realises what she’s said. Huge tears are beginning to roll down the skunkette’s cheeks._

 **Shirley:** (Frantically, to **Fifi** ) Oh, no, no, no, Feef, don’t cry, I totally didn’t mean it!

 _She crosses over to comfort her friend. She balks as_ **Fifi** _suddenly lifts her tail in a threatening manner._

 **Fifi:** (Sobbing) STAY AWAY FROM MOI!

 _She turns and runs out of the trailer with her head in her hands. We cut back to_ **Plucky** _as he tries to get past_ **Randy** _in order to reach his friend, who stands like a statue, his eyes glistening with tears._

 **Plucky:** (Desperately, to **Hamton** ) That was a slip of the tongue, Hammy! Ya weren’t supposed ta hear that!

 **Hamton** _turns on his heel and walks toward the trailer door, he opens it and leaves, slamming it behind him. The split-screen returns, showing_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _standing alone on either side. They are both shocked and remorseful about what has just happened. Then, they suddenly look at each other and glower._

 **P &S:** (Enraged, to each other) NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!

 

**Act Five**

**Fifi** _continues to run into the desert, far away from the trailers, far away from_ **Shirley** _. She feels betrayed as she sobs her heart out. Doubt begins to cloud her mind as she thinks about_ **Hamton** _. Is what the loon said about him true? Right now, she wants to get as far away from her so-called best friend as possible. Finally, she can run no further and collapses to the sandy ground, sobbing._

 **Fifi:** (Sniffles) Eet…eet cannot be true! Shirley eez lying! H-Hamtone would n-never leave moi! ‘E…’e loves moi!

 _Her own words fail to comfort her. She has to ask_ **Hamton** _herself. Fresh tears begin to well in her eyes as she realises that in order to do so, she will have to go back to the film set and back to_ **Shirley** _. As she wipes her eyes, she looks out at the desert…and sees a pink, pointy-eared figure lumbering slowly along in the distance. After rubbing her eyes for five seconds, she recognises the figure as…_

 **Fifi:** (Tearfully) HAMMY!!

 _The camera cuts to_ **Hamton** _. There is no emotion whatsoever on his face, even though tears are in his eyes. He is walking mechanically. It seems that he didn’t hear_ **Fifi** _call. The skunkette begins to run after him._

 **Fifi:** (Hysterically) Hammy! Hammy, stop! Arrêtez!

 **Hamton** _isn’t listening._ **Fifi** _finally gets down on all fours and pounces on him. They both fall to the ground. As soon as they’re down, there is a deafening explosion a few yards away from them that misses them by inches. This phenomenon snaps_ **Hamton** _out of his trance. He looks up to see_ **Fifi** _staring down at him, tears in her eyes._

 **Hamton:** (Noncommittally, to **Fifi** ) Oh. Hello.

 **Fifi:** (Disconsolately) Hamtone… Hamtone J Peeg… Ah want to know something…

 **Hamton:** (Cautious, on the verge of tears) What do you wanna know?

 **Fifi:** (Chokes) Will tu ever…leave moi? B-Because ah stink?

 **Hamton:** (Dumbfounded) What?

 **Fifi:** (Sobs) Sh-Shirley said zat tu would! She s-said zat tu would be just like all ze other garcons et leave moi all alone!

 **Hamton:** (Mournfully) Will YOU leave me?

 **Fifi:** (Stunned) Quoi?!

 **Hamton:** (Weeps) Plucky told me that you only dated me because you felt sorry for me. Once some hunk came along, you’d…you’d…you’d abandon me!!

 _He covers his eyes and begins to sob._ **Fifi** _gently reaches out, and takes the pig’s hand. Slowly she pulls it away from his eyes, and looks deeply into them._

 **Fifi:** (Whispers) Hamtone… ah…ah would NEVER do such a thing! Je t’aime! All of ma searches pour love ‘ave always ended in disappointment…until tu came along. Tu are ze only garcon who ‘as shown moi any affection. Et ah will always love tu pour eet.

 **Hamton:** (Softly) A-And I’d never walk out on you. Why would I make such a dumb decision? I love your smell! I love everything about you! And that, ma cher, will never, ever change. If it ever does, then Hell has frozen over.

 _A tearful smile crosses_ **Fifi’s** _face as she hears this. She grabs_ **Hamton** _by the straps of his overalls and pulls him upright. They stare into each other’s eyes._

 **Fifi:** (Passionately) Kiss moi, tu fool!

 _She captures him in a deep, tender lip-locking kiss which he quickly returns. There is another ear-splitting explosion as a wall of fire appears in the background behind them. The fire’s glow accentuates the beauty of the moment. Finally, after five seconds,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _relinquish their embrace._

 **Hamton:** (Chuckles awkwardly) Uh, could we reconcile somewhere where we aren’t running the risk of bein’ blown ta bits?

 **Fifi:** (Simply) Oui, let’s.

_They leap into the air and run for their lives as another explosion goes off in the exact same place they were both sitting in._

**Workman:** (Offscreen) WOO!! Now, that’s an explosive love scene!

 **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _flee across the desert, as far away from the filming area as possible. They finally dive behind a trailer which has the words_ **“Main Stars”** _written on it. The curtains are closed. The camera pans over to the pig and skunkette, panting vigorously and trying to get their breath back._

 **Hamton:** (Pants) I…can’t…believe…Shirley…would say such a thing!

 **Fifi:** (Pants) Eet’s…because of zat…Plucky.

 **Hamton:** (Grumpily) That’s probably why then.

 **Fifi:** (Bitterly) Et ah do not care about zat loon. She eez not ma ami anymore.

 **Hamton:** (Acrimoniously) I could say the same thing about Plucky. In fact, I wish I’d never suggested the idea of a spinoff about him.

 **Fifi:** (Sighs) We do not ‘ave to ‘ave un show avec ‘im, mon cher. Tu said zat yourself.

 **Hamton:** (Puzzled) Did I? (Beat) Oh, yeah, I did!

 **Fifi:** (Resolutely) Ah do not know about tu, mais ah think zat Plucky et Shirley will ‘ave to find another way to go to Wisconsin!

 **Hamton:** I agree with you. Besides, it would’ve been difficult for Plucky to travel with us after you put that restraining order against him.

 **Fifi:** Zen eet eez decided! (Scheming) Mais first, ah think zat we should teach zose bickering ducks a lesson!

 **Hamton:** I also agree with you on that! (Musing) But how do we do it?

 **Fifi** _beckons_ **Hamton** _to come closer and as he does so, she whispers in his ear. Whilst she is confiding her plan to her boyfriend, the camera pans up to the window of the trailer. We hear thumping noises coming from within._

 **Female Lead:** (Offscreen) Oh, baby, whack that mole!

 

**Act Six**

_The sun is rising over the film set, but work on the movie’s climax is already in process._ **Plucky** _stalks out of his trailer wearing a black spandex leotard which is festooned with spikes._

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) What kind of movie is this?! Who wears this sorta stuff for drivin’ a car?

 **Shirley:** (Offscreen, furious) Like, I hope yer happy, you poster boy for the pill!

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Here we go. (To **Shirley** ) Reel it in, Madam Menstrual, it’s too early for your grousing!

 **Shirley** _storms over to him, looking livid. Her outfit is identical to the one her ex-boyfriend is wearing._

 **Shirley:** (Bitter) Just so you know, Fifi’s gone and so is Hamton!

 **Plucky:** (Shrugs) Good riddance. I didn’t want ‘em ta come, anyway.

 **Shirley:** Once again, ya think about yerself an’ totally shirk responsibility! They’ve left BECAUSE OF YOU!

 **Plucky:** (Indifferently) And you.

 **Shirley:** (Defensively) Just a teeny bit! The rest is all on you, or some junk!

 **Plucky:** (Grimly) Was anybody in your family related to a donkey?

_He walks past her._

**Plucky:** (Complacently) At least their dumb lawyer’s gone.

 _He bumps into_ **Randy** _and falls back on his behind. Taking a frustrated look as the camera, he jumps to his feet._

 **Plucky:** (Exasperated, to **Randy** ) Why are you still here? Your clients have left!

 **Randy:** (Dourly) I was assigned to keep an eye on you, Green Daffy, and make sure that you do not make any contact with my clients whatsoever.

 **Shirley:** (Concerned, to **Randy** ) Like, where have Feef an’ Hammy gone?

 **Randy:** (Sternly) Ms. La Fume has given me the strictest instruction that I keep their whereabouts a secret from the both of you. (To **Shirley** ) They’ve placed a restraining order against you, too.

 **Shirley** _points at herself, completely dumbfounded, whilst_ **Plucky** _smirks nastily._

 **Shirley:** (Aghast) Like, ME?! How come?!

 _Instead of answering,_ **Randy** _takes out a cassette player and presses the play button. We hear_ **Shirley’s** _raving tones scream from the speakers._

 **Shirley:** (On the recording) I totally thought that you of all Toons would know how I feel! Yer used ta bein’ dumped! Yer used ta guys walkin’ out on ya! And that’s only ‘cos ya smell bad! It probably won’t be long before Hammy gives ya the heave-ho as well!

 **Plucky** _smirks triumphantly at the blonde loon as she listens to the tape in dumbfounded shock._ **Randy** _pauses the tape and fast forwards it._

 **Plucky:** (To **Shirley** , in mock shock) Shir-ley! How could you say such a thing?

 **Shirley:** (To **Plucky** ) Like, this ain’t funny! You made me say those things ta Fifi. You an’ yer selfish, greedy…

 _She is interrupted as_ **Randy** _presses the play button once more. This time, we hear_ **Plucky’s** _rant coming from the speakers._

 **Plucky:** (On the recording) I find it hilarious that yer so defensive towards that… that thing! She’s only goin’ out with you because you’re the only guy who doesn’t run away screaming when she shows up…and she feels sorry for you! Once a more attractive guy shows up, she’ll dump you!

 _As_ **Randy** _stops the recording,_ **Shirley** _turns to face_ **Plucky** _, tapping her foot impatiently as she glares at him._

 **Plucky:** (Protesting, to **Shirley** ) That recording’s been taken outta context! (Angrily) An’ besides, if you were just like what I wanted, I wouldn’t have said those things at all!

 **Shirley:** (Ignoring him, to **Randy** , desperately) Fifi can’t put a restraining order against me! I was totally gonna apologise!

 **Randy:** (As he puts the cassette player away) I’m afraid apologising will no longer remove the order. To put it in the simplest way: they’re done with you.

 _Before_ **Shirley** _can say anything else,_ **Michael** _strides over to them, giddy with excitement._

 **Michael:** (Ecstatic) This is it! The final stunt, it’s gonna be awesome!

 **Shirley:** (Unenthusiastically) Like, mondo cool. Let’s get it over with.

_The two waterfowl are led to their respective vehicles. Like their stunt double attires, the cars are equally over the top. They both have black paint which is peppered with sand, and there are spikes jutting out of the tyres._

**Plucky:** (Whistles) What a set ‘o’ wheels! (To the camera) If I knew how ta drive in real life, this experience wouldn’t be as terrifying.

 **Shirley** _simply walks over to her car and hops into the driver’s seat without a word. She ominously revs the engine._

 **Michael:** (To **P &S**) This climax is simple. Ya just crash into each other like extreme bumper cars whilst we set off loads of explosions!

 **Shirley:** (Coldly) Perfect…

 **Plucky** _reluctantly clambers into his car, which is facing_ **Shirley** _. He swallows as he sees_ **Shirley** _glower at him, electricity dancing off the knobs of her knuckles as she grips the steering wheel._  

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Wait! Why am I scared? I got nothin’ ta be scared about!

_Feeling more confident, he grabs hold of the handbrake and revs the engine._

**Michael:** OKAY!! Lights…camera… (Beat) ACTION!!

 **Plucky** _yanks the handbrake down…and his car shoots backwards at top speed._

 **Plucky:** (To the camera, chuckles embarrassedly) Whoops! Put the silly thing in reverse!

 **Shirley:** (Maniacally) BUT, LIKE, I HAVEN’T!!

 **Plucky** _looks ahead, and does a double-take in horror as the camera cuts to_ **Shirley** _driving at top speed towards him._ **Plucky** _continues to reverse from her at top speed. The camera cuts to_ **Michael** _, who is watching this spectacle in confusion._

 **Michael:** (Mutters) What’s goin’ on here? (To **Plucky** , shouting) Hey, Stunt Double! You’re supposed ta fight back, not run!

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) He’s not in MY position!

 _Closing his eyes, he switches gear and floors it. His car shoots forward, crashing into_ **Shirley** _and knocking her back. The blonde loon is stunned for a beat, before she recovers._

 **Shirley:** (Irritated) Like, yer gonna pay for that whiplash!!

 _She slams the gas pedal down to the floor and surges forward._ **Plucky** _glowers at her as she zooms straight for him._

 **Plucky:** (Vehemently) Not this time, you petulant harpy!

 _He acts in kind. The two cars race directly towards each other at top speed. Then, we hear_ **Michael’s** _voice shouting a command._

 **Michael:** (Offscreen, shouting) INITIATE THE OVER THE TOP EXPLOSIONS!

 _An explosive suddenly goes off on the right-hand side of_ **Plucky’s** _car. This sudden phenomenon causes the vehicle to tip onto its side, the momentum causing it to spin out of control._

 **Plucky:** (As the car rolls along) I’M…GONNA…HURL!!

 **Shirley** _drives after him as explosives go off on either side of them._

 **Shirley:** (Screams) If yer sick on me, I’ll kill you!

 _The car finally stops rolling and becomes upright again._ **Plucky’s** _pupils spin in all directions before he shakes his head and recovers._ **Shirley** _rams his car, knocking it backwards. The green duck’s head bobbles about for five seconds before he recovers._

 **Shirley:** (Insanely) Now, like, there’s no way you can steal the spotlight from me, now!!

 _She revs her engine, preparing to smash into him once more._ **Plucky’s** _eyes widen and his pupils shrink._

 **Plucky:** (Genuinely terrified) I hope that’s an egg in my pants…

 _Just as the loon is about to obliterate her ex-boyfriend,_ **Uncle Stinky’s** _mobile home rockets past as an explosive goes off._ **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _and the entire film crew are dumbfounded!_

 **Michael:** (Panicking) That’s not in the script! (Ecstatic) But it’s awesome!

 _The mobile home roars across the film set, circling the waterfowl’s vehicles and occasionally driving in-between them, preventing them from getting near each other. The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _. We expect him to be angered by this._ **Uncle Stinky** _is stealing his thunder! However, he’s grateful that he has been saved from his ex-girlfriend._ **Shirley’s** _fury has abated, and replaced by genuine happiness. If_ **Uncle Stinky** _is driving, then_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _must be with him! We cut back to the mobile home. It rushes up a sand dune and drives off of it as if it’s a ramp! It flies through the air in slow motion, before landing on the ground, sand flying everywhere as it screeches to a halt, running over the cameraman. The camera cuts to the film crew._

 **Michael:** CUT!! (Tearfully happy) That was the most exaggerated, violent, explosive climax I’ve ever seen! This movie will kickstart my career for sure!

 _The mobile home door opens…and, confirming_ **Shirley’s** _hopes,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _emerge from it, shaken, but okay._

 **Fifi:** (Excited) Vat un exciting ride!

 **Hamton:** (Shaken, to **Fifi** ) That was amazing…but I’m never doin’ it again!

 **Shirley** _leaps out of her car and rushes up to them, followed closely by_ **Plucky**.

 **Shirley:** (Happily) Feef! Hammy! Guys!

 _As soon as they hear the loon’s calls, the skunkette’s and pig’s expressions darken. Just before_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _reach them,_ **Randy** _stands in the way._

 **Randy:** (Threateningly, to **P &S**) Back off, the both of you!

 _To the waterfowl’s surprise,_ **Fifi** _gently pushes_ **Randy** _aside and walks towards them._

 **Fifi:** (To **Randy** ) Merci, Monsieur Ram, mais Hammy et moi shall deal avec zem.

 **Shirley:** (Desperately) Fifi, like, I’m totally so…

 **Fifi:** (Coldly) Save eet, Loon.

_She raises her tail._

**Fifi:** (Coldly) Because ah am such un sporting skunkette, ah shall give vous ze, how-you-say, head-start. Vous ‘ave dix seconds to run pour your life.

 **Shirley’s** _eyes pop out in horror before she flees from_ **Fifi**. **Plucky** _is about to run as well, but_ **Hamton** _grabs him by the throat and pulls him back._

 **Plucky:** (Wheezes) Hamton…please…

 **Hamton** _punches him in the face. Then once more. He then grabs the duck’s right leg and twists it. We hear a groaning crunching noise as it snaps._ **Fifi** _suddenly fires some green musk from her tail. It morphs into the form of a missile. We cut to_ **Shirley** _sprinting across the desert, her breaths jagged as frightened tears stream down her eyes. The musk missile suddenly appears, the loon looks back and her eyes widen as she sees that the stink is gaining on her._

 **Shirley:** (Sobbing) No, No, No, No, NO!!

 _The camera cuts back to_ **Fifi** _,_ **Plucky** _and_ **Hamton** _. The skunkette smirks as a green mushroom cloud suddenly appears in the distance._

 **Fifi:** (Smugly) Zey always run…mais zey can never hide.

 _The camera pans over to_ **Plucky** _and_ **Hamton** _. The pig suddenly thrusts his hand into the duck’s chest and rips out his heart. As_ **Plucky** _spits out several teeth, the pig stares directly into his eyes._

 **Hamton:** (Coldly) Plucky…you are the worst Toon who ever lived.

 _He violently throws_ **Plucky** _to the ground, where he lies in a crumpled heap._

 **Michael:** (Offscreen) Aaaannnd, that’s a wrap!

 **Hamton** _takes_ **Fifi** _by her hand and they stroll purposefully offscreen. As they do so,_ **Shirley** _crawls up to_ **Plucky**. _The loon is completely bald (the stink caused her to molt) and a smelly green aura surrounds her. We hear the sound of the mobile home roaring into life._

 **Shirley:** (Frantically) Like, wait!! You can’t just leave us here!!

_The camera cuts to the mobile home, driving away without them. The camera pans out as we see the two waterfowl lying on the film set as the crew begins to pack up and leave._

**Plucky:** (Narrating) Well, that movie career wasn’t what I had in mind at all. My so-called best friend has abandoned me ta run off with his girlfriend…and I can’t feel my legs. All the same, I still hafta get to Wisconsin, and get my spinoff running. But first, I hafta find a way ta get TO Wisconsin. Spinoff Log: End of Entry 3.

 

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**CREDITS**

Written by: **Redtop95**


	5. Soap Dope

_An old, shoddy looking motel with the words_ **“REDRUM”** _written above the entrance stands on the side of a highway in a dark and stormy night. For some reason, everything is black and white as the camera pans into a bathroom. We can hear the faint hissing of water which tells us that somebody is in the shower. A figure enters the bathroom, but only its shadow can be seen, distorted against the tiles and wallpaper in the room._

_The figure grabs the shower curtain and wrenches it open._ **Red Hot** _, shrouded by bubbles, wheels round as the camera abruptly cuts to_ **Frank N. Furter** _. The colour returns to the scene, emanating from his lips._

**Frank:** (Sings) How’d you do, I…see you’ve met my…

_He is interrupted as_ **Red** _slaps him across the face, knocking him over. She then closes the shower curtain and goes back to washing herself as we fade to black._

**THE PLUCKY DUCK SHOW**

**Episode 5:**

**Dope Soap**

**Act One**

**Shirley** _is sat on a sofa in one of the rooms at the motel. It’s dark, and the only source of light is coming from the television, which the blonde loon has her eyes fixed on. The two actors, male and female, can be heard speaking on the unseen program._ **Shirley’s** _eyes widen as she listens to what they have to say._

**Man:** (On TV, offscreen) Why does my son look so deformed?!

 **Woman:** (On TV, offscreen, sobbing) He’s…he’s your brother!

 **Shirley:** (Gasps) Totally did NOT see that comin’…

_The camera pans over to_ **Plucky** _, who is lying in a musty bed and staring at the ceiling._

**Plucky:** (Narrating) Spinoff Log: Entry 4. We were able ta get a room for the night at this oversized outhouse called the Redrum Motel. When I say we, I mean myself an’ Shirl. The Porkster and La Fume Fatale abandoned us, which has put a wrench in the works when it comes to gettin’ ta Wisconsin. The only reason Shirley’s in this room with me is because I couldn’t pay extra for another one. I can’t believe I’m sayin’ this, but I don’t wanna sleep in the same bed as her.

**Shirley’s** _eyelids slowly begin to close from lack of sleep, but she uses her psychic abilities to keep them open so that she doesn’t miss the show._ **Plucky** _watches her, rolling his eyes._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) I don’t even think she’ll go ta bed anyway! She’s too busy watchin’ one ‘o’ them soap operas. I’ve never seen the appeal of ‘em ta be honest. It’s just unnecessary shock value coupled with flimsy melodrama. I’m startin’ ta be reminded of what’s been goin’ on lately.

_A light bulb suddenly appears above his head as an idea comes to him._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) Hey! That could be a good idea for a spinoff! (Snidely) The purple polecat isn’t giving orders now, so I can come up with whatever I want! With that said, the two former cast members can be in this idea. They’ll be livin’ just like me!

_A thought bubble appears above his head as he begins to plan the premise. A room materialises as the camera enters the dream cloud. The room looks like it’s in a fraternity house. Specifically, the living room._

**Plucky:** (Narrating) My show is set in…uh…a College called… Whasupwit U! And it stars…me.

**Plucky** _teleports into the room. He is wearing green and purple American football gear which has a huge white number 2 on it. He is nonchalantly tossing a football into the air as he grins smugly at the camera._

**Plucky:** (Narrating) And I’m perfect! I’m the captain of the football team, I’m the president of every society on campus, everybody wants ta be me! To be honest…who can blame them?

**Shirley** _teleports into the scene. Because it’s the green duck’s imagination, she has an incredibly vampy appearance, and she is wearing skimpy clothes and caked in fluorescent makeup._

**Plucky:** (Narrating) And Shirl can be in it, too. Not as much as me, though! She’ll be my loving AND supporting girlfriend, who will satisfy my every needs: In more ways than one!

**Shirley** _suddenly embraces_ **Plucky** _from behind, causing him to drop the football._

**Shirley:** (Gushing) Like, I totally love you, my really awesome an’ more-superior-to-rabbits boyfriend!

 **Plucky:** (Narrating) But since it’s a soap opera, stuff has ta go wrong. It won’t go wrong for me, though. That’ll go to the other housemates.

**Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _teleport into the scene._ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _regard them with revulsion. Immediately, the pig and skunkette leap onto a sofa and start spooning._

**Plucky:** (Narrating) I hold a grudge against my former best friend, A.K.A Hamton. He walked out on me in my time of need ta waste the rest of his life with Fifi, who is Shirley’s former best friend.

_The camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _, who are now engaged in a lip-locking kiss. They pause to speak._

**Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Saccharine, sickeningly-sweet love!

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) Syrupy, cutesy romance!

_They continue kissing. The camera cuts back to_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _. The blonde loon points at her mouth and retches._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) Just look at ‘em! It makes me sick. (Cheerfully) Now that we got the main characters outta the way, let’s actually start this soap opera!

 

**Act Two**

_We cut to the fridge as stereotypical soap opera music begins to play in the background._ **Shirley** _walks up to it. Although it appears to be the early hours of the morning, she is still wearing her makeup._

**Shirley:** (To the camera) Like, one of the things that I love…less than fawnin’ over my totally awesome beau is drinkin’ milk.

_She opens the fridge door._

**Shirley:** (To the camera) Yep, I just looove…

_Her expression changes to abject horror as she looks into the fridge. Scare chords begin to play as she clutches her chest and melodramatically collapses onto the floor, her mouth open in a silent scream. After a beat,_ **Plucky** _walks into the kitchen, stepping over her prone form._

**Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) What’re ya doin’ on the floor instead ‘o’ fawnin’ over my perfect self?

**Shirley** _doesn’t answer. She is petrified._ **Plucky** _looks in the fridge._

**Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) Heh! Wouldja look at that? Somebody stole yer milk!

_Upon hearing this,_ **Shirley** _instantly snaps out of her horrified stupor and jumps to her feet._

**Shirley:** (Screams) LIKE, HOUSE MEETING, OR SOME JUNK!!

_The camera cuts to the living room of the house, where the meeting is taking place._ **Fifi** _is fast asleep with a half-empty bottle of beer in her hand._ **Hamton** _appears to be reading a magazine with_ **“TEXXX AVERY”** _on the front cover._ **Plucky** _is polishing a trophy whilst spinning a basketball on his finger whilst_ **Shirley** _glares at the three of them._

**Shirley:** (Angrily) Like, I’m totally sure that there are more Toons livin’ in this fraternity house, or some junk!

 **Plucky:** Yeah, but who cares who they are?

_The camera pans over to_ **Mary Melody** _. A tear rolls down her cheek as_ **“Arpeggio for Strings”** _briefly plays, before abruptly ending as the camera cuts back to_ **Shirley** _._

**Shirley:** (Coldly) Like, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty, or some junk. One of you stole my milk!

 **Plucky:** (Indifferently) Bertha took it.

_The camera cuts to the blue cow cheerleader from_ **“The Acme Bowl”** _._

**Bertha:** (Outraged) I won’t stand for this stereotyping! _She takes out a picket sign which says_ **“Got Milk?”** _on it._ I’ll have a dramatic story-arc in which I protest the unfair stereotyping of bovine creatures everywhere…

 **Plucky:** (Interrupting) You can mosey on down to the butcher, sweetheart. This is MY soap opera.

 **Shirley:** (Looking around ominously) Like, SOMEONE took my milk, an’ they totally better own up. My body is lackin’ the lactose, an’ I need it BAD!

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) With a body like hers, why’s she worried about milk?

 **Shirley:** (Suspiciously, to **Fifi** and **Hamton** ) You two have been awfully quiet since the meeting began. What do YOU hafta say, or some junk?

**Fifi** _stirs, grumbling to herself and rubbing her head._

**Fifi:** (Belches, groggily) Soyez silencieux, vous whiny fowl. If vous ‘ave not noticed, ah am trying to sleep off zis coat hanger!

 **Hamton:** (Indifferently correcting) Hangover…

 **Fifi:** (Moans) Anyway, eet eez only milk. Go out et buy some more if eet will shut vous up.

 **Shirley:** (Outraged) Only milk? Like, only milk?! That was MY milk! How can you be so indifferent?!

 **Fifi:** Because zat eez what eet eez. Milk. Now, stop zis shouting so ah can go back to ze sleeping…

_Using_ **Hamton** _as a pillow, she slouches down._

**Shirley:** (Vindictive) This attitude is exactly why you an’ yer boyfriend are failin’ this year.

**Hamton** _looks up from his magazine, rolling his eyes as he does so._

**Hamton:** (To **Shirley** ) For the last time, we’re only 12 weeks behind.

 **Shirley:** (Vehemently) Ya said that 12 weeks ago!

 **Hamton:** (Frustrated) Well, then, we’re 24 weeks behind, so shut up!

_He continues to read his magazine. The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) It’s a shame that these two aren’t as perfect as me. But then again, this is my soap opera so I can decide what bad stuff happens.

 **Shirley:** (To **Fifi** and **Hamton** , viciously) Get up. Like, get up, you mondo lazy bums! I totally know that one of ya stole my milk!

 **Hamton:** (Dismissively) You can’t prove anything…

 **Shirley:** (Appalled) So you admit it?

 **Fifi** _sits up to glare at her._

 **Fifi:** (Annoyed, to **Shirley** ) Of course ‘e does not, vous fool! Vat made vous think zat ‘e did?

 **Shirley:** (Defensively) Like, they always say that when they’re mondo guilty! (Haughtily) Anyway, I wouldn’t be surprised if either of you took it. Yer always mooching off of us!

_As_ **Plucky** _smugly nods in agreement,_ **Shirley** _abruptly embraces him from behind._

**Shirley:** (Cooing) Why can’t ya be more like Plucky-poo? The greatest duck in Whasupwit U an’ the Tooniverse in general?

 **Plucky:** (Cockily) Yeah, why can’t ya be like me in this soap opera?

**Shirley** _nuzzles her cheek against his own and places a hand on his right knee, which slowly moves upwards._

**Shirley:** (Dreamily) This mondo delicious morsel that I love so?

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) I like the way this is going!

 **Hamton:** (Bitterly) Get a room!

 **Shirley** _stops her leering and vamping to glare at him._

 **Shirley:** (Snarky, to **Hamton** ) Like, jealousy is such an ugly emotion, or some junk!

 **Plucky:** Besides, you and your girlfriend spend all yer time in that room of yours!

**Fifi** _sits up and folds her arms in indignation._

**Fifi:** (Indignantly, to **P &S**) Ah will ‘ave vous know zat Hamtone was showing moi ‘is china! Nothing more zan zat ‘appened!

 **Plucky:** (Shrugs) Whatever. (To **Shirley** ) Can ya get back ta droolin’ over how amazing I am?

 **Shirley:** Like, as much as I’d want to, I hafta look into findin’ out who stole my milk! _She gets to her feet._ I’m gonna call the cops, or some junk!

 

**Act Three**

**Shirley** _walks out of the living room into the hallway of the fraternity house. She looks down, and the camera abruptly cuts to a closeup of a pregnancy test result on the floor, accompanied by a scare chord. The blonde loon gasps, and melodramatically falls forward and hits the carpet, her exaggeratedly larger breasts cushioning her fall._

**Plucky** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _walk out of the living room, ignoring her in the process. After a beat,_ **Plucky** _comes back after noticing that his girlfriend has fainted._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) She’s out cold…and warm…

_He flutters his eyebrows. Suddenly, he notices the pregnancy test._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) Wait, what’s this? _He picks it up._ A thermometer?

_Taking a closer look, his expression changes to horror as a scare chord plays._

**Plucky:** (Shocked) Holy guacamole! It’s my, uh, Shirley’s pregnancy test that we discarded so that my perfection would not be tarnished! (Looking round) I mustn’t let ANYONE find this!

_He looks around, trying to find a place to dispose of the evidence._ **Shirley** _is still unconscious throughout this search._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) There has to be someone I can dump this on! (Defensively) Don’t look at me like that! I’m the main star…and I’m perfect! I can get away with being unheroic!

_The camera suddenly cuts to the door to_ **Hamton’s** _room. There is a red towel on the doorknob. A light bulb appears above_ **Plucky’s** _head._

**Plucky:** (Ecstatic, snapping his fingers) That’s it! I’ll pin it on my former best friend! There’s no way that’ll backfire!

_Sneaking up to the door like a villain in a pantomime, he slides the test under the door of the pig’s room._

**Plucky:** (Chuckling) Now ta wake up my love so that she can gush over my awesomeness.

_We cut to the clock. The hands begin to spin, symbolising time going by. After five seconds, they slow down once more at 3:50pm, and the camera pans back down to_ **Hamton’s** _door. It opens and_ **Fifi** _walks out, carrying a purple towel._

**Fifi:** (To the camera) Ze cleanliness eez next to ze godliness, no?

_She looks down, and the camera cuts to the test result on the floor. She has stepped on it._

**Fifi:** (To the camera) What eez zis? _She bends down and picks it up._ (Gasps) Eet eez un test de grossesse! Et eet was near Hamtone’s door. (Pondering) Mais Hammy et moi didn’t…we never…

_The camera cuts to the test result in her hand. With a dramatic plot twist leitmotif, it zooms in on some words:_ **“SHIRLEY MCLOON”** _._

**Fifi:** (Darkly) Zat briseuse de ménage… _She turns and storms back into the room._ (Furiously) Hamtone, vat eez ze meaning of zis?!

 

**Act Four**

**Plucky** _is sat in his room, lying on his bed as_ **Shirley** _feeds him grapes and tells him how wonderful he is._

**Shirley:** (Cooing) …And I soooooo love yer feathers!

 **Plucky:** (Swallows a grape) Doesn’t everyone?

 **Shirley:** (Cooing while tickling his chin) And I love yer chinny-chin-chin, or some junk!

 **Plucky:** (Smugly) I’ve only got one! I’m not Bertha!

 **Shirley:** (Cooing) And I adore how you are just mondo perfect.

 **Plucky:** (Chuckles) Yeah, I’m too good for you…or anyone, for that matter!

 **Shirley:** Now, it’s your turn.

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled) For what? Ta cook?

 **Shirley:** (Giggles) Like, no! It’s your turn ta tell me how wonderful I am!

_The camera cuts to a close-up of the green duck. It is obvious by his expression that he has never had to tell someone how wonderful they are. We cut to_ **Shirley** _, who is kneeling before the camera, awaiting the answer._

**Plucky:** (Uncertainly, offscreen) You’re…you’re…

_The camera slowly begins to zoom in on the loon’s bosom._

**Plucky:** (Nervously) You’ve got big…uh… You’re very well endow…uh…

 **Shirley:** (Sweetly) Yes?

 **Plucky:** (Blurting out) You’ve got a big…BEHIND!

 **Shirley:** (Dumbfounded) WHAT?!

 **Plucky:** (Backpedalling) BEHIND! BEHIIIIND your…head!

 **Shirley:** (Disbelieved) Like, what about my head?

 **Plucky:** (Racking his brain) You…you have hair!

 **Shirley:** (Confused) Like, I know that. What kind of wonderful thing is that?

_She runs her fingers through it and primps it flirtatiously._

**Shirley:** (Cooing) Did ya mean ta say it’s long and flowing and beautiful?

 **Plucky:** (Bluntly) No.

 **Shirley’s** _expression darkens._

 **Shirley:** (Suspiciously) Then, what did you mean, or some junk?

 **Plucky:** You…You have a big…BOW!

 **Shirley:** (Disappointed) Oh.

 **Plucky:** (Relieved) It’s so…nice and bow-like and green!

 **Shirley:** (Coldly) My bow is pink.

 **Plucky:** (Nervously) Last time I checked, it was green. Green…like me! It’s a perfect colour!

_He mops his brow._

**Plucky:** (Unnaturally cheerful) It sure is hard complimenting someone less perfect than me. In fact, let’s go back ta complimenting me!

_Before_ **Shirley** _can say anything else, there is a thunderous knocking at the door._ **Plucky** _gets to his feet._

**Plucky:** (Unnaturally cheerful) I’ll get it! (To himself) Thank Schlesinger for that!

_He crosses over to the door and opens it. An infuriated_ **Fifi** _wastes no time in barging in and pushing him aside._

**Fifi:** (Viciously, to **Plucky** ) Get out of ma way, canard!

_She storms up to_ **Shirley** _, who regards her with shock._

**Fifi:** (To **Shirley** , dangerously) Ah ‘ave un, how-you-say, bone to pick avec vous, loon!

_She notices the bunch of grapes that_ **Plucky** _was being fed._

**Fifi:** (Sarcastically) Ah ‘ope zat ah am not interrupting anything.

 **Plucky:** (Outraged) Yes, you are! Shirley was busy talkin’ about how wonderful I am, so GET OUT!

 **Fifi** _rounds on him, causing him to recoil._

 **Fifi:** (Furiously, to Plucky) Shut up, vous deuxième banane! (To **Shirley** ) Vous just could not, how-you-say, let eet stay!

**Hamton** _, with a satisfied expression as a green musk aura surrounds him, peers into the room._

**Hamton:** (Dreamily correcting) Go!

 **Shirley:** (Puzzled, to **Fifi** ) Like, what’s yer problem?

 **Fifi:** (Angrily pointing) Ma problem eez vous! Vous ‘ad to go about whining about who stole your stupide milk! Ah cannot believe ‘ow immature vous are!

 **Shirley:** (Defensive) Like, my milk ain’t stupid!

 **Fifi:** (Dismissively) Vous like a lot of things zat are not worth eet. (Pointing at **Plucky** ) Like zat fool.

 **Plucky:** (Outraged) You can’t talk ta me like that! I’m perfect!

 **Shirley:** (Indignantly, to **Fifi** ) Like, yeah! My boyfriend is perfect! He’s better than Hamton!

_She turns to_ **Plucky** _, a seductive grin on her face._

**Shirley:** (Cooing) Plucky is the most perfect Toon in the world, or some junk. He’s the president of every society on campus, he’s the captain of the football team, and he has beautiful eyes, powerful muscles, rugged green feathers and he’s mondo attentive. He totally knows everything about me.

 **Fifi:** (In disgust) Oh, mon dieu…

 **Plucky:** (Smugly, to **Fifi** ) Yeah, what she said. (Scornfully) You’re just jealous because she’s better than you!

_He begins to falter as he tries to think of positive things to say about_ **Shirley** _._

**Plucky:** (Awkwardly) She, uh… has a…lot of makeup on! And, uh…she wears a green bow in her hair! (Hastily correcting himself) Pink! I said pink! And she has…uh…very large…

_He makes groping motions with his hands._

**Plucky:** (Awkwardly) And…uh…and…uh… (Lamely) I’m her boyfriend!

**Shirley** _stares at him in disbelief._

**Fifi:** (Ignoring him, angrily to **Shirley** ) Somebody stole your milk, so vous stole ma cochon!

**Hamton** _abruptly snaps out of his blissful stupor upon hearing this statement._

**Shirley:** (Shocked) Like, no I didn’t!

 **Fifi:** (Vehemently) Oui, vous did! Ah ‘ave evidence!

_She pulls out the test result. A scare chord plays as the camera cuts to_ **Shirley** _as she stares at it, aghast._

**Fifi:** (Bitterly) Ah found eet dans Hamton’s room. ‘E says zat ‘e ‘as no idea how eet got zere!

 **Hamton:** (Protesting) B-But I don’t! I don’t even remember…

 **Plucky:** (Interrupting, snidely to **Hamton** ) Of course you don’t! You’re always getting drunk at your stupid parties that you go to with… (Pointing disgustedly at **Fifi** ) Her! (To the camera) What? I have my perfection to preserve!

 **Shirley:** (Protesting) B-but, like, Fifi! This is my pregnancy test result, but…

 **Fifi:** (Furiously) So vous admit eet?! Vous admit zat, because somebody stole your milk, vous ‘ad to act like un bébé et steal ma cochon!

**Hamton** _comes into the room with the intention of stopping this debate._

**Hamton:** (Frantically, to **Fifi** ) F-Fifi, as much as I can’t believe I’m saying this, ya gotta listen to her…

 **Fifi:** (Interrupting, to **Hamton** ) Hush! Ah cannot believe vous betrayed moi like zis! We did everything together; et vous throw eet all away…

 **Shirley:** (Yelling out) Hamton ain’t the father!

 **Fifi:** (Beat, confused) ‘E…’e eez not?

 **Hamton:** No! _He takes_ **Fifi’s** _hand._ I would never lie to you. Fifi…we’ve spent every waking hour together since we started college, you said so yourself. I love you, an’ we’ve been plannin’ our life together since before the events of the soap opera! Why would I throw it all away by cheating?

 **Fifi:** (Softly) Oh, Hammy…

 _She embraces him. They hold each other for a long time. The camera cuts to_ **Plucky**. _He looks disgusted by this Public Display of Affection._ **Shirley** _, for some odd reason, doesn’t look as grossed out as before. Finally, the happy couple relaxes and look into each other’s eyes._

 **Fifi:** (Puzzled) M-Mais ah found ze result dans your room!

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) Somebody must’ve placed it there! Today was the first time I saw it.

 **Fifi:** (Shocked) Quoi?! Who could ‘ave done such a thing?

_Upon hearing this,_ **Plucky** _turns and begins to sneak out of the room as they think about possible culprits._

**Shirley:** (Coldly) Well, like, my totally mondo perfect boyfriend is gonna be the father, so perhaps HE knows something about it!

**Plucky** _freezes as everybody looks at him. Reluctantly, he turns to face them._

**Plucky:** (Chuckles nervously) Me? Why would I do something like that? I-I’m perfect!

 **Shirley:** (Smugly) Like, perfect toons don’t tell lies, or some junk.

**Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _glower at him._ **Plucky** _gulps, before glaring at_ **Shirley** _._

**Plucky:** (Angrily, to **Shirley** ) This is mutiny! We promised each other that we’d never speak of your impregnation to ANY-

 **Shirley:** (Interrupting) Do you know who planted the pregnancy test in Hamton’s room?

 **Plucky:** (Thinking) Okay, gotta think fast. They’re onto me, but bad stuff can’t happen to me in this soap opera! (To **SH &F**, unconvincingly) Yes. Yes I do! Bertha was outside Hammy’s room, and Mary had it in her hands, and that generic brown mouse…

 **Mary:** (Interrupting, deadpan) It was Plucky.

**Plucky** _turns in shock to see_ **Mary** _standing outside the door with some grocery bags._

**Plucky:** (Bitterly) Tattletale…

**Mary** _grins and shrugs her shoulders, before walking offscreen._ **Plucky** _turns to see the loon, skunkette and pig glowering ferociously at him._

**Hamton:** (Infuriated, to **Plucky** ) I don’t believe you!

 **Plucky:** (Grinning nervously) Well, o-of course I am! I-I’m perfect!

 **Fifi:** (Viciously) Un perfect loser!

 **Plucky:** (Pleading, to **Shirley** ) Shirl…help your perfect boyfriend out, will ya?

 **Shirley:** (Coldly) Like, no, Plucky. Yer ex wouldn’t be seen dead with the likes of you.

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) Wh-What?! (Chuckles nervously) Shirley, don’t do something you’ll regret!

 **Shirley:** (Intensely) I ALREADY HAVE!! (Deadly calm) Face it, Pl-ucky. Fifi an’ Hamton may be imperfect…but they’d never do what you did. Yer perfect…but you’ll always be alone.

_The camera cuts to a close-up of_ **Plucky** _. Tears begin to well in his eyes before an angry grimace crosses his face._

**Plucky:** (Angrily) Y’know what? FINE! I wanna be alone! This is MY dream; I can do whatever I want! GET OUTTA MY SHOW!

_As he gives this command,_ **Shirley** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _all vanish in puffs of smoke. The room begins to fall apart as_ **Plucky** _continues to rant._

**Plucky:** (Yelling) I can always recast this soap opera! I can make it worth watching without you guys!! This show will have a cast as perfect as I am! And it’ll be miles better than TINY TOON ADVENTURES or any show that has rabbits!!

 

**Act Five**

_The room has vanished, and_ **Plucky** _is now standing in a white abyss. He looks around. There is nothing to be seen._

**Plucky:** (Shouts) HELLO?! Where are my new stars?!

_There is no reply._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) Where’s the scenery?!

_There is no reply._

**Plucky:** (Shouts) Am I talkin’ to myself?!

 **???:** (Offscreen) Could be.

 **Plucky** _leaps_ _into the air in shock._ _He looks indignant as he turns around in the direction of the voice._

 **Plucky:** (Grumpily) It’s about time you got here! Okay, here’s the drill: I’m the main star…

 **???:** (Offscreen, sniggers) You? The main star? That’ll be the day!

 **Plucky:** (Indignant) Don’t talk ta me like that!

 **???:** (Offscreen, snarky) I’ll talk ta me however I like! What’re you gonna do about it?

_The camera pans over to whoever is speaking. It’s…another_ **Plucky** _! Identical to the green duck!_ **Plucky** _does a double-take in shock._

**Plucky:** (Dumbfounded) Y-You’re me!

 **Plucky #2:** (Smugly) No, you’re me.

_He walks over to_ **Plucky** _._

**Plucky #2:** (Chuckles) On second thought, you can’t be me. You’re too ugly, too scrawny, too pathetic.

 **Plucky:** (Furiously) Hey! Have ya looked in the mirror lately?!

 **Plucky #2:** (Condescendingly) Hah! Lookin’ at you is like lookin’ at a broken one!

 **???:** (Mockingly) An’ lookin’ at the both of ya is like bein’ in a Hall ‘o’ Mirrors!

**Plucky** _and_ **Plucky #2** _look around, angrily searching for the one who dared to insult them. A third_ **Plucky** _walks nonchalantly up to them._

**Plucky #3:** (Patronisingly) Who’re you dorks lookin’ for?

 **Plucky:** We’re lookin’ for the jerk who insulted us!

 **Plucky #3:** (Looking around) What does he look like?

 **Plucky #2:** (Mutters) He looks…

_They suddenly realise who they’re talking to, and glare at_ **Plucky #3** _._

**Both:** (To **Plucky #3** ) JUST LIKE YOU!!

 **Plucky #3:** (Cockily) Don’t you mean you?

 **Plucky:** (Vehemently) You’re such a jerk, do you know that?!

 **Plucky #3:** (Smugly) More like you’re a jerk.

 **Plucky #2:** (Outraged) Hey! Don’t talk ta me like that!

 **Plucky #3:** (Snarky) I’ll talk ta me however I like!

_Furious,_ **Plucky #2** _punches_ **Plucky #3** _in the face._ **Plucky** _suddenly gets a bloody bill._ **Plucky #2** _spits out a tooth._

**Plucky:** (In pain) OWW!!

 **Plucky #3:** (Mockingly) Stop hittin’ yourself.

 **Plucky:** (Groans) This is gettin’ outta hand! (To **Pluckys #2 &3**) Look, we’re gonna make a show in which I’m the main star!

 **Plucky #2:** (Outraged) Why’re YOU the main star?

 **Plucky:** Because I’m a duck!

 **Pluckys #2 &3: **So are we!

_A fourth_ **Plucky** _struts in._

**Plucky #4:** I’m the main star! I’ve got more talent than you have in your webbed feet!

_A fifth_ **Plucky** _storms in with a baleful look on his face._

**Plucky #5:** (Angrily) YOU?! What’s yer talent? Flushin’ random stuff down the toilet?!

**Baby Plucky** _crawls up to them._

**Baby Plucky:** (Indignantly) You no flush toilet, I flush toilet!

 **Plucky #3:** (To **Baby Plucky** ) Get outta this show, ya little brat! An’ change yer diaper!

**Baby Plucky’s** _eyes well up with tears upon hearing this._

**Baby Plucky:** (Bawls) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!

 **Plucky #2:** (Angrily, to **Plucky #3** ) Ya made a baby cry, d’ya feel like a man, now?!

 **Plucky #4:** (Outraged, to **Plucky #2** ) You made him cry, not him! It’s never your fault, is it?!

 **Plucky #3:** (Scoffs) He ain’t a man! He’s got a small…

 **Baby Plucky:** (Interrupting) I’m cryin’, that means I want attention! (Bawls) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

 **Plucky #5:** (Frustrated, to **Baby Plucky** ) You always want attention!

_As the_ **Pluckys** _continue to argue,_ **Plucky’s** _eyes turn bloodshot, and he clutches his head with his hands. The arguing grows louder, and louder. Suddenly, another_ **Plucky** _tapes something to his back and all the other_ **Pluckys** _begin to kick him up the backside, each one clutching their bottoms in pain after they do so._ **Baby Plucky** _screams through a megaphone, his already obnoxious cry resonating across the abyss._

**Plucky:** (Screams) STOP IT!! STOOOOOOOP IIIIIIIITTTT!!!

_He throws his head in his hands and falls…out of bed onto the motel floor._

**Act Six**

**Plucky** _opens his eyes, and the camera slowly pans up to reveal_ **Shirley** _looking down at him. The television has been turned off._

**Shirley:** (Puzzled, to **Plucky** ) Like, what’s the matter with you, or some junk?

 **Plucky:** (Looking round) N-No perfection? No different versions of me? No…stolen milk?

 **Shirley:** (Deadpan) Just when I thought ya couldn’t get any weirder.

 **Plucky:** (Sighs) Shirl…we are NEVER making a soap opera.

 **Shirley:** (Indifferently) Like, that’s a shame, or some junk. We could’ve made a lotta perfect stories.

 **Plucky:** (Shudders) Perfect is…scary.

**Shirley** _is about to climb into bed, when_ **Plucky** _stops her by grabbing her leg._

**Plucky:** (Babyish) Shirl…I had a nightmare. Can I sleep with you?

 **Shirley:** (Indifferently) Like, I don’t have a choice, this is the only bed we can afford, or some junk.

**Plucky** _gets to his feet, slightly relieved by this. He leaps back into bed as she climbs in next to him. The green duck is about to scoot a little closer to her, but_ **Randy** _suddenly pops up between them in a gesture that stops him._ **Plucky** _glares at the camera, before slowly closing his eyes._

**Plucky:** (Narrating) To say that dream was interesting would be putting it mildly. I suppose bein’ perfect ain’t all what it’s cracked up to be. Perhaps I need ta change a few things. Mind you, I wouldn’t mind Shirl bein’ more like she was in the soap opera. She’d be nicer ta me for a start. Maybe I oughta treat her, y’know? Stop all this animosity. I’ll talk ta her in the morning… Spinoff Log: End of Entry 3.

_The camera pans over to_ **Shirley** _as she lies asleep next to_ **Randy** _. A dream bubble appears above her head. In it, we see an image of her. She_ _is wearing skimpy clothes and caked in fluorescent makeup, similar to how she has appeared throughout the soap opera dream._ **Plucky** _appears in front of her, and she suddenly embraces him from behind._

_A maths calculation appears in the dream. An image of_ **Shirley** _in her skimpy Pink Lady attire, followed by a plus sign, followed by_ **Plucky** _, equals_ **“TRUE LOVE?”**

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**CREDITS**

 

Written by: **Redtop95**

 

Creative Consultant: **Pepe-K**


	6. Don't Go Changin'!

_We get a view of the hot sun on a nice sunny day._ **“Now That We’ve Found Love”** _by_ **Third World** _can be heard playing faintly in the background, accompanied by the tranquil sound of waves crashing on a shore. The camera pans down to reveal a beach. We can see Toons playing on the sand or splashing in the sea. A caption reads:_ **“Fort Lauderdale”** _for five seconds before fading away. We fade to the road. Cars are driving past, and people are riding skateboards on the pavement. The camera eventually reaches a car park, where several vehicles are stationed. As a sight gag, one of these vehicles is the_ **Mystery Machine** _._

 _The camera finally focuses on and zooms in on_ **Uncle Stinky’s** _mobile home._ **Fifi** _is lounging on a deck chair near it, wearing a bluish-green bikini. Beside her is a boom box. This is where the background music is coming from. The skunkette is wearing some dark sunglasses, which she raises as she hears the faint tinkling sound of drinking glasses. The camera cuts to_ **Hamton** _, who is wearing bluish-green swim shorts. He is carrying two soft drinks._

 **Fifi:** (Sighs) Ahh, trés bon! Ah am, how-you-say, perched!

 **Hamton** _chuckles as he hands her a soft drink, before sitting down on the empty deck chair beside her._

 **Hamton:** It sure is nice ta relax every once in a while, huh?

 **Fifi:** (Yawns) Oui…

 _S_ _he abruptly sits up._

 **Fifi:** (Stressed) Eet eez un shame zat ah cannot enjoy eet because ah cannot find un idea pour un spinoff!

 **Hamton:** (Soothing, to **Fifi** ) Okay, okay, calm down. (Sighs) Oh, dear. We haven’t really had much luck, have we?

 **Fifi:** (Sadly) Non…et eet ‘as been like zis since we left… (Bitterly) …zose deux.

 **Hamton:** That’s true…

 **Fifi:** (Hastily) Mais ah ‘ave no intention of going back to zem, tu understand!

 **Hamton:** (Calmly) Neither do I…

 _There is a beat before_ **Fifi** _continues._

 **Fifi:** (Forlornly) Ah still cannot believe zat Shirley said zose things to moi… Ah…ah never thought zat she felt zat way about moi…

 **Hamton:** I know! (Grumpily) It’s not all that surprising with Plucky.

_He sips his drink, wondering what to do to cheer his girlfriend up._

**Hamton:** (Cheerfully) Hey! I think I might have the answer!

 **Fifi:** (Hopefully) Tu ‘ave un idea pour un spinoff?

 **Hamton:** Not exactly…

 **Fifi:** (Disappointed) Le sigh…

 **Hamton:** (Quickly) B-But we might find SOME idea through it!

 **Fifi:** (Curious) Oh?

 **Hamton:** (Taking her hand) Look, we’re in a beautiful place, an’ it looks even better at night. (Shyly) Why don’t we…don’t we…

 _He is interrupted as a rather muscular_ **Doberman** _barges past him, causing him to spill his drink._ **Fifi** _angrily jumps to her feet and storms after him._

 **Fifi:** (Indignantly, to the **Doberman** ) Hey! Watch where vous are going, vous oaf!

 **Hamton:** (Worried) Fifi, don’t…

 _The_ **Doberman** _wheels round in anger, cracking his knuckles._

 **Doberman:** (Furious) What did you just say, you…

 _He trails off as he sees_ **Fifi** _glowering up at him._

 **Doberman:** (Infatuated, to **Fifi** ) Hubba, hubba! Since you’re so cute, I’ll let your…nasty comment slide.

 **Fifi:** (Insulted) Ah will show VOUS cute, vous male chauvinist…

 _She trails off as turns to look at_ **Hamton** _._

 **Fifi:** (Insulted) …Dog!

 **Doberman:** (Patronisingly) Don’t get personal, sweetheart, or I’ll have to put you over my knee.

 **Fifi:** (Disgusted) Vous shall do no such thing, vous fou sexiste! (Pointing at **Hamton** ) Ah insist zat vous apologise to ma boyfriend!

 _The_ **Doberman** _looks over at_ **Hamton** _, who waves nervously._

 **Doberman:** (Holding back laughter) That guy is your boyfriend?

 **Fifi:** (Curtly) Oui. Ah fail to see ze problem avec zat.

 _The_ **Doberman** _bursts out laughing._ **Fifi’s** _purple fur turns red with anger. She grits her teeth._

 **Doberman:** (Mockingly, to **Fifi** ) You poor little girl. All the guys snubbed ya so much, that you hitched your wagon to a nerd. (Loftily) Can’t say I blame ‘em though. You do stink. (To **Hamton** ) And as for you. I can’t believe how much of a wimp you are! You have to have your girlfriend stick up for you!

 _Before the_ **Doberman** _can say any more, he is abruptly engulfed in green musk. He chokes and splutters, vainly trying to fan the smell away with his hands. The camera pans down to_ **Fifi** _, who blows some musk away from her tail, looking incredibly satisfied with herself._

 **Doberman:** (Disgusted) Aw, man! That was uncalled for! (Hacks) Oh, it’s in my mouth!

 **Fifi:** (Mockingly) Man up, vous, how-you-say, shrimp. Hamtone can take eet, why not vous?

 _The_ **Doberman** _recovers and points angrily at_ **Fifi** _._

 **Doberman:** (Furious) If you weren’t a girl…

 **Fifi:** (Smirks) Vous want more? Un glutton pour ze punishment, are vous not?

 **Doberman:** (Threateningly) I’ll get you, my pretty…and your little hog, too!

_He turns and storms off._

**Fifi:** (To the camera) To think ah used to ‘ave un interest dans garcons like ‘im!

 _She turns and walks back to_ **Hamton** _, who is sat there, looking like he isn’t sure whether to laugh or cry._

 **Fifi:** (Concerned, to **Hamton** ) Are tu alright?

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** , uncertainly) I’ll…I’ll be fine.

 **Fifi:** (Reassuringly) As long as tu are sure.

_She sits back down._

**Fifi:** Now, what was eet tu were going say before tu were rudely interrupted?

 **Hamton:** (Clears his throat) Well, h-how about we just forget about finding an idea for a spinoff for the night and just enjoy our surroundings?

 **Fifi:** Tu mean like un…date?

 **Hamton:** Well, not exactly, but… (Beat) Yes. W-We could go out ta dinner, go see a movie…y’know.

 **Fifi:** (Pondering) Hmmm… (Beat, cheerfully) Ah suppose zat we could do un…how-you-say, dating show, non?

 _She nudges_ **Hamton** _playfully, and he giggles, relieved that she agrees with his idea. As the camera zooms in, his smile fades to a frown. He is thinking about what the_ **Doberman** _has said._

**THE PLUCKY DUCK SHOW**

**Episode 6:**

**Don’t Go Changin’!**

**Act One**

_We cut to_ **Plucky** _sat on the bed in the motel. He appears to be waiting for_ **Shirley** _. The camera zooms in on him. He has a nervous, troubled look on his face._

 **Plucky:** (Narrating) Spinoff Log: Entry 5. Let’s just say that my soap opera dream from the last episode has left me with a lot ta think about. Is it because of me that Feef an’ Hammy walked out on us? Or drove… Is it my attitude that makes Shirley hate me? Normally, I’d just blame Mary, but she’s not here. Therefore, I’ve decided that in order for my spinoff ta be a success, I’ve gotta make amends with my gal, find Hamton an’ Fifi an’ get ta Wisconsin. I can’t believe that I’m sayin’ this, but…my personality needs an overhaul.

 _The camera pans over to the bathroom door. It is closed, but we fade inside to see_ **Shirley** _. She is looking at herself in the cracked mirror. She seems to be examining herself._

 **Shirley:** (Thinking) Like, okay…by delvin’ into Pl-ucky’s subconscious, I think I have an idea of how he sees me…or at least how he wants ta see me. (Defensively) Alright, alright, I was spying on his dream. I had to! I can’t talk ta him after all he’s done, or some junk. Besides, my concentration broke after he got found out for plantin’ the pregnancy test, so I didn’t see his entire dream.

_She turns around and looks at her behind. She frowns at her reflection._

**Shirley:** (Thinking) Apparently, I’m some sort of stick-in-the-mud ta him. If we’re gonna get married, then I’ll hafta change ta make him happy. I totally can’t believe that I’m sayin’ this, but…my personality needs an overhaul, or some junk.

_She begins to look through the medicine cabinet for something._

**Shirley:** (Mutters) Like, there must be some makeup in here so that I can change, or some junk.

 _We cut to the bedroom._ **Plucky** _appears to be rummaging through_ **Shirley’s** _belongings. He turns to face the camera. He looks indignant, as if the audience is frowning upon his actions._

 **Plucky:** (Defensively) Alright, alright, I’m goin’ through her stuff. I have to! I can’t talk ta her after all she’s done! If we’re ever gonna get this spinoff greenlit, then I’ll hafta change ta make her happy.

_He continues to rummage, seemingly having little to no success in doing so._

**Plucky:** (Mutters) There must be something she likes that I can use in order ta change!

 _He abruptly hears the clicking sound of the bathroom door unlocking. He gasps and dives over the bed in order to avoid getting caught. The bathroom door opens and_ **Shirley** _walks out, looking over at_ **Plucky** _, who now has a lump on his head from where he hit the wardrobe._

 **Shirley:** (Indifferently, to **Plucky** ) Like, I’m goin’ out ta get some supplies. Don’t try ta stop me, or some junk.

 **Plucky:** (Indifferently) Fine.

 **Shirley** _turns and walks towards the door. The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _as the door slams shut. As soon as he’s sure she’s left, he immediately continues what he was doing. Suddenly, he finds something._

 **Plucky:** (Interested) A-ha!

 _He takes out several vinyl records. On the cases, we see different names such as_ **James Taylor** _and_ **The Mamas and the Papas** _._ **Plucky** _takes a closer look at one record, which reads_ **“Whiny Protest Songs”** _. There also appear to be old newspaper cuttings from 1967 and a picture of_ **John Lennon** _._ **Plucky** _, intrigued, picks up the_ **“Whiny Protest Songs”** _record and studies it. It’s obvious by his expression that he had no idea that_ **Shirley** _liked this sort of thing._

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) She likes this kind of music, eh? Well, let’s give it a listen!

 

 **Act Two**

**Shirley** _enters a beauty parlour in what appears to be the middle of nowhere. She has a grim look of determination on her face as she marches through the double doors and up to the counter._ **Hello Nurse** _is stood behind it, drumming her fingernails on the desk._

 **Hello:** (Mechanically) Hello, I’m a nurse.

 **Shirley:** (Curtly) Like, I can see that.

 **Hello:** (Bored) I’m also a trained beautician, but I hate this job and I’m only doing it while I wait for Spielberg to make a new show next year. (Questioningly) By the way, have you seen three puppy-dog children?

 **Shirley:** (Shakes her head) Like, no I ain’t. _She takes out her crystal ball and sets it on the counter._ (To **Hello** ) I want ya ta make me look like how I appear in my boyfriend’s dream.

 _We cut to_ **Hello** _as she regards an image on the crystal ball that we cannot see. Her eyes widen in shock as she looks back at the waiting loon._

 **Hello:** (Warily, to **Shirley** ) Are you sure? That’s a very, VERY extreme makeover. The changes might be permanent…and no offence, but with a body like yours, it’ll take me all day!

 **Shirley:** (Adamantly) Like, I don’t care, or some junk! If changin’ myself is the only way ta make him happy, then I’ll do it!

 **Hello:** (Raises an eyebrow) Your boyfriend sounds kinda shallow…

 **Shirley:** (Aloofly) Mind yer own business.

_She takes out a fistful of dollars._

**Shirley:** I think this’ll pay for my treatment. It’s all I have.

 _She places the money on the counter._ **Hello** _regards it, before breathing a sigh of defeat. If this what the customer wants, she can’t refuse to give it to her._

 **Hello:** (Mournfully) If you insist…

_She puts on an executioner’s hood and takes out a Botox syringe and a nail gun._

**Hello:** (Beckoning, to **Shirley** ) Step this way…

 _We fade to_ **Plucky** _lying on the motel bed, staring up at the ceiling. His eyes are bloodshot. His teeth are gritted. He is listening to the_ **“Whiny Protest Songs”** _record. We hear an acoustic guitar playing as a male voice that sounds similar to_ **Bob Dylan** _sings out of tune._

 **Male Voice:** (Singing) Dooooon’t kill the porpoises! They ain’t done nothin’ to yooooooou! You kill them alllllllll for somethin’ that rhymes with what you government people use ‘em foooooor!

 **Plucky:** (Traumatised) How does she listen ta this junk?!

 _He takes out a notepad and the camera cuts to a closeup of it. We see a list of tick boxes that have already been filled in. The caption on the top of the page reads_ **“How to make Shirley like me”** _. The words next to the filled in tick boxes read_ **“Complain about the Government”** _,_ **“Become a vegan”** _,_ **“Protest about Vietnam”** _and_ **“Mary-Jane”** _. He ticks the box which says_ **“Hippie Songs”**

 **Plucky:** (Thinking) Just a few more hours of trainin’ an’ I’ll be ready ta ask her out!

 **Male Voice:** (Singing) War is bad. War is very, very bad! War is so bad, it’s bad!

 _We cut back to the beauty parlour. We do not see_ **Shirley** _at all, but we can see that_ **Hello** _is holding several pieces of waxing tape with blonde hairs on it. She mops her brow, before taking out some make-up and hair curlers._

 **Hello:** (Astounded) I had no idea how much work this would be!

 **Shirley:** (Offscreen, grimly) It’ll totally be worth it.

 _The camera cuts to_ **Uncle Stinky’s** _mobile home in the car park. It appears to be sunset. We fade to the interior, where_ **Fifi** _is wearing a short white dress with a pearl necklace. It’s not too formal, but it looks a bit flirty. She is sat at a makeup table, lightly powdering her face and looking at herself in the mirror._

 **Fifi:** (Satisfied) Zere! Ah look trés beau!

 **Fifi’s Reflection:** More zan usual!

 **Fifi:** (Giggles) Oh, stop eet! (Sighs) Hamtone eez right. Ah need to forget about spinoff ideas…just pour un nuit. Ah wonder what we shall do tonight… (Darkly) Et ah wonder if zat idiot will be zere to ruin our night out? (Scoffs) Just let ‘im try! Ah will not ‘ave ‘im insulting moi or my Hammy!

 **Fifi’s Reflection:** (With spirit) Tu go, girl!

 _The camera fades to_ **Hamton** _. He is wearing a navy blue blazer, a white button-down shirt and some grey slacks. He is putting a school tie with the_ **Acme Loo** _colours (blue and white) on whilst_ **Uncle Stinky** _watches._

 **Hamton:** (Cheerfully, to **Uncle Stinky** ) I’m glad Fifi agreed to going on this casual date! I’d do anything ta cheer her up. (Worried) I sure hope that jerk doesn’t show up again… (Sighs, to **Uncle Stinky** ) Uncle Stinky? Do you think I’m a…wimp?

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Dearest nephew, I mean what I am about to say in the kindest of ways…you appear to lack some self-confidence within yourself. An example of this is how you quite often allow that green feathered cretin to abuse your hospitality.)

 **Hamton:** (Demoralized) I guess that’s true. (Beat) I’m sure glad I met Fifi. (Chuckles) It’s funny, y’know. Before the prom, I assumed that she wouldn’t even think of going out with someone like me. Boy, was I wrong!

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Yes, your soulmate is quite a strong-willed young lady. I believe that she has done you good. She’s allowed you to leave your comfort zone and you have learnt several things from her, and vice-versa.)

 **Hamton:** (Cheerfully) That’s true. (To **Uncle Stinky** ) I’m not sayin’ that I’m ungrateful for Fifi defending me from that dog, but…was he right?

 **Uncle Stinky:** (As nasty as he was, he did have an incredibly miniscule point. One day, there may be a time in which Fifi will not be there, or even unable, to help. You will have to stand up for yourself.)

 **Hamton:** (Sadly) I thought so…

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Do not misinterpret my words, dearest nephew. I know for a fact that your soulmate loves you more than life itself, and I know that you harbour identical emotions for her. I am just saying that one day, she may need saving herself, and you will have to step in.)

 **Hamton:** (With spirit) Y’know what? You’re right! I’ll…I’ll toughen up! Starting tonight! (To the camera) I just hope that that jerk does NOT show up, though.

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen, sultry) Oh, Hamtone?

 **Hamton** _turns in the direction of his girlfriend’s voice. He does a double-take and his pupils turn into love hearts. The camera zips over to_ **Fifi** _, who is leaning against the bedroom door. She saunters over to the pig and grins playfully at him._

 **Fifi:** (Teasingly) Sacré bleu, Hammy! Tu did not ‘ave to dress up like zat pour moi!

 **Hamton:** (Blushing) Well, I was taught that I should always dress formally when I’m in the presence of a lady.

 **Uncle Stinky:** (So he should. You look positively divine, my dear!)

 **Fifi:** (Flattered) Awww, merci, Oncle Stinky! (To **Hamton** ) So, where eez eet we are going ce soir, mon cher?

 **Hamton:** (Dramatically) Well, I thought that we could go wherever our feet may take us! (Meekly) I was hopin’ we could go to the movies?

 **Fifi:** Aller au cinema? (Cheerfully) Zat sounds like un trés bon idea!

 **Hamton:** (Offering his arm) Sh-Shall we go?

 **Fifi:** (Taking his arm) Oui! Let us, how-you-say, dance ze day away, no?

 _They walk arm-in-arm out of the mobile home and into the night._ **Uncle Stinky** _grins as he watches them go._

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Ah, young love. If only those other fowl had been like my nephew and his soulmate. I would wonder about their whereabouts and how they are coping with their abandonment, but…I no longer have any concern for their wellbeing.)

 

**Act Three**

_We cut back to the motel room. It is in darkness. We hear the sound of approaching footsteps. Judging by the clacking noise, whoever is approaching is wearing high heels, and judging by the sporadic sounds, whoever is approaching isn’t used to wearing high heels. The door opens._

_It is none other than_ **Shirley** _. At least, we think it’s_ **Shirley** _. Her hair is flowing down to her behind. Her breasts look like she has stuffed two melons down her shirt. Her face is coated in so much makeup; she looks like she’s been beaten black and blue. She has what appears to be a cigarette between her teeth. She is wearing something incredibly similar to_ **Olivia Newton-John** _in_ **Grease** _: a black skin-tight shirt and black skin-tight leather jeans with black high-heels. These clothes are so tight that they seem to groan whenever she moves in them._

 **Shirley:** (Sultry) Like, where are you, Pl-ucky?

 _She removes the “cigarette” from her mouth. It’s actually a lollipop. Suddenly,_ **Plucky** _walks into view. At least, we think it’s_ **Plucky** _. His white vest is gone. He is wearing sunglasses and a psychedelic shirt with rainbows on it. There are several flowers on his feathered head. He looks rather similar to_ **John Lennon** _. He is holding a sitar._

 **Plucky:** (Slurred) YOOOOO! WHASSUP?

 **Shirley** _stretches out her arms, and her shirt creaks as she does so._

 **Shirley:** (Excitedly) Like, come here, you gorgeous hunk of duck! I’m hornier than a brass band, or some junk!

 _She runs, or stumbles towards_ **Plucky** _with the intent of jumping in his arms. The green duck strums his sitar, seemingly ignoring her._ **Shirley** _throws herself at him, and falls flat on her face, her breasts cushioning her fall._

 **Shirley:** (Muffled) Like, this is a mondo cool idea, Pl-ucky. Come on down here an’ lie with me.

 **Plucky:** (Placidly) I refuse to lie on artificial ground. It ain’t groovy. The only ground I lie on belongs ta Mother Nature.

 **Shirley** _clumsily picks herself up._ **Plucky** _does not make any effort to help her do so. The blonde loon notices the darkness. She embraces_ **Plucky** _, seemingly forcing her cleavage into his face. Despite this, he continues to play his sitar._

 **Shirley:** (Flirtatiously) Like, why’s it so dark, Plucky-poo? Is it so no-one will notice when I take off my…?

 **Plucky:** (Sings) Hello, darkness, my old friend…I’ve come ta talk with you again…

 **Shirley:** (Flatly) What’re you doing?

 **Plucky:** (Calmly) I’m becoming one with the music. I’m letting my spirit flow!

 **Shirley:** (Naughtily) Y’know what I’d like ta see flow? Your…

 **Plucky:** (Sings) Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me! I’m not sleepy…

 **Shirley:** (Frisky) Like, good! Don’t ya wanna get in my pants, or some junk?

 **Plucky:** (Philosophically) Pants are a symbol of oppression forced onto us by the Government. That’s why I don’t wear them.

 **Shirley:** That’s all the better!

 _She reaches down and tries to unzip her incredibly tight jeans when_ **Plucky** _begins to play the sitar once again._

 **Plucky:** (Sings) One banana, two banana, three banana, four! Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more!

 **Shirley** _abruptly grabs his sitar and throws it offscreen. We hear a splintering crash._

 **Plucky:** (Mollifying) Whoa there, man…woman. Give peace a chance!

 **Shirley:** (Infuriated) Like, what is the matter with you?! Can’t ya see that I want you ta fu-

 _We abruptly cut to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _standing at a concessions stand in a movie theatre._

 **Hamton:** (To the vendor)…dge sundae and one rum-raisin, please!

 **Fifi:** (Shocked, to **Hamton** ) Fudge? Are tu not afraid of getting your clothes dirty?

 **Hamton:** (Confidently) Afraid? Me? Never! (Thinking) At least not of stains… (To **Fifi** ) So what movie d’ya wanna see?

 _We cut to some movie posters. One says:_ **“IMMATURE RADIOACTIVE SAMURAI SLUGS: UNCANNY VALLEY”** _and has a picture of the eponymous slugs as marionettes. Another says_ **“THE MUFFY-SMUFFS** **AND THE SACCHARINE, NON-SCARY, SWEET DREAMS ADVENTURE”** _, which has a picture of_ **Drew Carey** _bearing a forced smile as the little creatures clamber over his body._

 _Finally, the camera stops on a movie poster which has a picture of_ **Willoughby the Dog** _bearing a look of terror_ **.** _The poster reads:_ **“THE FLEA”** _, and the tagline reads:_ **“SO TERRIFYING THAT LEONARD MALTIN HAD TO CHANGE HIS PANTS…ONCE!”** _One review reads:_ **“I STILL CAN’T TAKE THE LAST SCENE SERIOUSLY – Vincent Price”** _._

 **Fifi:** (Pondering) Hmmm… Why don’t we go to see… (Beat) Ze Flea?

 **Hamton:** (Cheerfully) The Muffy-Smuffs? Thank goodness…I mean, Okay then!

 **Fifi:** (Confused, gently correcting) Hammy…ah said Ze Flea.

 **Hamton:** (Beat) Th-That’s what I said! The Flea! I was…I was just testin’ ya!

 _He looks nervously at the camera as_ **Fifi** _enthusiastically leads him to the ticket booth._

**Act Four**

**Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _are sat in a bachelor pad from the 1960s. Lava lamps and pet rocks are stacked everywhere, and surreal paintings that look like they’ve been painted by_ **Salvador Dali** _hang on the walls. One of the pictures shows us_ **Cool Cat** _and_ **Colonel Rimfire** _. Another is the_ **Warner Bros-Seven Arts** _logo._

 **Shirley** _looks extremely annoyed as she listens to protesters chanting on a record player._ **Plucky** _occasionally punches the air and shows a peace sign each time he hears the chant._

 **Protester:** WHAT DO WE WANT?!

 **Crowd:** WE DON’T KNOW!

 **Protester:** WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!

 **Crowd:** IN A FEW YEAR’S TIME!

 **Plucky:** (To no-one in particular) Preach, my brothers and sisters! Make love, not war!

 **Shirley** _abruptly grabs him and shoves him down onto the floor, sitting astride him._

 **Shirley:** (Lustfully) Like, I thought you’d never ask!

 **Plucky:** (Mellow) Shirley, would you mind not throwing off my groove? You haven’t been meditating today, have you?

 _We hear the sound of a phone ringing offscreen._ **Plucky** _takes off his sunglasses, and we can see a subtle hint of relief in his eyes upon hearing this interruption._

 **Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) Excuse me, Jude.

 _He jumps to his feet and rushes offscreen, leaving a disappointed and frustrated_ **Shirley** _behind._

 **Shirley:** (Frustrated) Like, what is the matter with him, or some junk?!

 _The camera cuts to a_ **Bugs Bunny** _telephone._ **Bugs’** _head has been hacked off and replaced with_ **Daffy’s** _._

 **Plucky:** (Grumbling) I don’t understand this…what’s got into her?! _He answers the phone._ (Irritably) Whadda ya want? I’m tryin’ ta reconcile with my girlfriend!

 **???:** (Smugly) Shouldn’t ya be in school, Green Daffy?

 **Plucky’s** _eyes widen in shock. That voice sounds incredibly familiar. The camera cuts to_ **Montana Max** _, who is sat at his desk in his mansion. He is on the other side of the phone conversation._

 **Plucky:** (Nervously) Oh, h-hey there, Monty! How’s it goin’?

 **Monty:** (Cheerfully) It sure has been interestin’ back at Acme Loo. Ya haven’t come in for quite a while. Those rabbits have been questioning yer disappearance!

 **Plucky:** (Defensively) I’ve been invited ta Wisconsin by my aunt! Professor Bugs approved of it, I can’t get called out for truancy!

 **Monty:** (Haughtily) What about that blonde meditating freak, that fat nerd and that stinking hussy? Do you know where they are?

 **Plucky:** (Defensively) They’re with me!

 _He cringes as he remembers that_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _abandoned him and_ **Shirley** _._

 **Monty:** (Sniggers) Why do they hafta go with you? They aren’t related to yer aunt! Unless you’ve been keepin’ something from us…

 **Plucky:** (Disgusted) No way! Shirley’s a loon! She just looks like a duck… (Shaking his head) Whadda ya want, anyway?

 **Monty:** (Grinning) You and yer friends have gone rogue. Abandoning your old show ta make your own isn’t exactly smiled upon in this day and age. I wonder what the rabbits will think…

 **Plucky:** (Aghast) You wouldn’t!

 **Monty:** (Complacently) Try me.

 **Plucky:** (Desperately) Now, look, Monty, it’s not what you think! (Beat) It’s exactly what you think!

 **Monty** _cringes as green feathers fly out of the receiver. Annoyed, he wafts them away and continues speaking._

 **Monty:** (Annoyed) Calm down, ya loser! Stop moultin’ down the phone! (Smugly) I wanna help ya.

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled) You…wanna help me?

 **Monty** _reclines on his chair with a complacent grin on his face._

 **Monty:** (Cheerfully) Sure thing! I’ve always wanted to do something I should have done a long time ago, but couldn’t. Like yesterday!

 _A thought bubble appears above his head and we enter his memory._ **Elmyra** _is kneeling down at a riverbank while_ **Monty** _stands behind her._

 **Elmyra:** (Excitedly) Tell me how it’s gonna be, Monty-Wonty!

 **Monty:** (Calmly) Look across the river, Elmoron, an’ I’ll tell ya so ya can almost see it.

 _He withdraws a pistol from his pocket and aims it at the back of_ **Elmyra’s** _head._

 **Monty:** (With mounting excitement) We’ll have a cow… an’ maybe we’ll have a pig an’ some chickens. Maybe we’ll have some alfalfa…

 **Elmyra:** (Cheerfully) For the bunny-wunnys!

 **Monty:** Whatever.

 **Elmyra:** (Excitedly) An’ I get ta tend the bunny-wu…

 **Monty** _fires the pistol. A tiny flag which reads_ **“BANG!”** _pops out of the barrel._ **Monty** _stares at it in anger and disbelief._

 **Monty:** (Shouting) ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

 _The flashback ends and we cut back to_ **Monty** _in his office. A wide grin festoons his face as he remembers the event._

 **Plucky:** (On the phone) Monty? Ya still there?

 **Monty:** (To himself) I’ll get her next time… (Snapping out of it) Wha-? Oh, yeah. I wanna work on your spinoff.

 **Plucky:** (Beat, astonished) Y-ya wanna work on my spinoff?

 **Monty:** (Grumpily) You deaf or something? I wanna help ya with this spinoff yer planning!

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled) How come?

 **Monty:** (Bitterly) Way back in the pilot, I was supposed ta get my own show, but those idiots at Warner Bros refused ta greenlight it!

 **Plucky:** (Muttering) I wonder why…

 **Monty:** (Suspicious) What was that?

 **Plucky:** (Innocently) Nothing…

 **Monty:** (Business-like) Although you’re a second banana, you’re slightly more popular than I am. You have more of a chance compared ta me. With my help, you’ll be famous in no time!

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) Wow…gee, I dunno…

 **Monty:** I’ve hired some new characters ta be in yer show. They’ll be arriving tomorrow. Go ta the nearest train station an’ you’ll meet them there.

 **Plucky:** (Sceptical) I dunno… how can I trust you?

 **Monty:** (Bluntly) I’ll tell the rabbits what you’re up to.

 **Plucky:** (Cheerfully) Consider it done!

 **Monty:** (Pleased) Great. You’re starting tomorrow!

_He hangs up the phone and looks slyly at the camera._

**Monty:** (To the camera) You really think I’m gonna help that dork get his own show? HAH!

 _We cut back to_ **Plucky** _as he walks back to the room in which he left_ **Shirley** _. He puts his sunglasses back on, grinning with excitement. He walks into the room._

 **Plucky:** (Mellow) Great news, Jude! We’ve finally found someone ta greenlight my sh…

 _He trails off, his smile fading. The room is empty._ **Shirley** _is nowhere to be seen._

 

**Act Five**

_We cut to the movie theatre._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _are both sat at the front row. The skunkette looks particularly interested in what she is watching, whilst the pig looks absolutely terrified. We do not see what is happening on the screen._

 **Flea:** (Sings) Oh, there’s food around the corner, food around the corner, food around the corner for me…

 _We hear a twanging noise on the big screen._ **Hamton’s** _eyes widen as some sinister music begins to play._

 **Flea:** (Terrified) Help me, please! Help me! NO! GOOO AWAAAAY! NOOOOOOOOO!! PLEASE! HELP ME, PLEEEASE! GO AWAY! GO AWAY! NO, NO, NO, NOOOOO!! NO! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!

 _We hear a crunching noise and_ **Hamton** _latches himself onto_ **Fifi** _with terror. The skunkette jumps as he does this._

 **Fifi:** (Whispers) Hamtone? Vat eez wrong?

 **Hamton:** (Voice cracks) N-Nothing’s wrong. I th-thought you were cold!

 _We fade to_ **Fifi** _walking out of the auditorium. At first, it seems like she’s on her own, but she faces the camera to reveal that_ **Hamton** _is still clamped to her._

 **Fifi:** (Concerned) Hammy…as much as ah like tu holding moi close…tu can let go now.

 **Hamton** _unhinges himself from her body like a door and jumps to his feet._

 **Fifi:** (Musing) Zat film gave moi a few ideas pour un spinoff. (Teasingly) ‘Ow about something trés scary, no?

 **Hamton:** (Bluntly) NO. (Calms down, chuckling nervously) I mean that movie wasn’t very good.

 **Fifi** _regards him, genuinely puzzled._

 **Fifi:** (Gently) Hammy…if tu do not mind moi saying so, tu ‘ave been behaving trés oddly ever since our encounter avec zat ruffian zis afternoon.

 **Hamton:** (False bravado) Th-That ruffian? He doesn’t scare me! I just hope we don’t run into him again! (Cheerfully) Now that the movie’s over, I feel hungry! I propose that we get something to eat and…

 _He trails off as a look of horror appears on his face. The camera cuts to the_ **Doberman** _walking out of_ **“THE MUFFY-SMUFFS** **AND THE SACCHARINE, NON-SCARY, SWEET DREAMS ADVENTURE”** _He is followed by_ **Minerva Mink** _, who has love hearts swarming around her like mosquitoes._

 **Doberman:** (Annoyed, to **Minerva** ) Will you stop followin’ me, ya ugly mess!

 **Minerva:** (Swoons) He acknowledged my existence!

 _She suddenly spots_ **Fifi** _and strides towards her. To_ **Hamton’s** _shock, she grabs the skunkette’s arm and begins to lead her away after the_ **Doberman** _._

 **Fifi:** (Outraged, to **Minerva** ) What are vous doing?! Let go of moi!

 _She wrenches her arm out of the mink’s hold._ **Minerva** _stops and looks at her with confusion._

 **Minerva:** (Baffled) Why are you at a movie theatre all on your lonesome?

 **Fifi:** (Angry, to **Minerva** ) Ah am not on my own! Ah am avec ma cochon!

 **Hamton** _reluctantly walks up to them and stands beside_ **Fifi** _._

 **Hamton:** (Nervously, to **Minerva** ) Th-That’s right, ma’am. That was very rude o-of you.

 **Minerva:** (Cheerfully, to **Fifi** ) If I were you, I’d be tryin’ ta make friends with that Doberman! I don’t even know his name, but I just know we were destined ta be together! (Dreamily) He’s strong and handsome…AND RICH! He’s worth throwing away $30 just ta be with him in a theatre! He’s my dream man!

 **Fifi:** (Beat, coldly to **Minerva** ) Ah feel sorry pour vous. Fille idiote.

 _She leads_ **Hamton** _away from_ **Minerva** _, her nose in the air._ **Hamton** _looks around worriedly for the_ **Doberman** _. He is relieved to see that the canine is nowhere to be seen._

 **Hamton:** (Murmurs to **Fifi** ) I hope she’s used ta bein’ rejected…

 **Fifi:** (Coldly) Oui… (Softening up) So, Hammy. Vat do tu propose we do?

 **Hamton:** (Cheerfully) How about we end our evening with a nice meal? I’m sure there’s a good restaurant around here, somewhere!

 **Fifi:** (Happily) Oui, zat sounds like un bien idea. Let us go!

 _Like before, she enthusiastically takes his arm and leads him out of the theatre. As she does so, the camera pans over to the_ **Doberman** _. He sneers as he watches the pig and skunkette leave from the concessions stand._

 **Doberman:** (Darkly) There she goes. Traipsing around, suspecting nothin’ with her weed of a boyfriend. I’m not gonna let her get away with humiliatin’ me just because she’s a girl. There’s only one way for me ta get my pride back. She won’t like it…but I will.

 _Abruptly,_ **Minerva** _jumps into his arms, a frenzied look on her face._

 **Minerva:** (Manically) One you marry me, I’ll have all the money in the world, an’ we’ll be the most gorgeous couple ev-

 _The_ **Doberman** _throws her offscreen, and we hear a crashing noise._

 **Doberman:** (Moodily, to the camera) She’s well-endowed, but she’s too clingy ta be with me.

 

 **Act Six**

**Shirley** _is sat alone on the bed in the motel room. She is sobbing gently into her hands. Her makeup is running and mixing with her tears._

 **Shirley:** (Sniffles) Like, I don’t understand… I…I totally became what he wanted me ta be… an’ he toys with me… What does he want? Wh-What do I want? Ta think I wanted ta marry him…

 **Randy:** (Concerned) Ms. Loon?

 **Shirley** _jumps in shock, pulling her hands away from her face to reveal her anguish. The camera cuts to_ **Randy** _looking at her with worry. An interesting detail to note is that his horns are both stuck up like television aerials._

 **Shirley:** (Sniffs) Oh, Randy! I-It’s you, or some junk. I forgot you were with us.

 **Randy:** (Worried) What’s the matter?

 **Shirley:** (Sighs sadly) Like, there’s no need ta worry, Randy. Plucky an’ I had a fight…

 **Randy:** (Puzzled) Who’s Plucky?

 **Shirley:** (Depressed) Green Daffy.

 **Randy:** (In understanding) Oh… (To **Shirley** ) You look rather upset. D’ya wanna talk about it?

 **Shirley:** (Beat) Okay…

 **Randy** _sits on the bed beside her. He puts a hand on her left thigh, but the loon doesn’t notice. We cut to the clock as time passes by, before cutting back to_ **Shirley** _, who is surrounded by several used handkerchiefs._

 **Shirley:** (Sobbing) …And I threw all my money away just for this mondo gaudy makeover, and what does he do?! H-He just ignores me. I-I can’t afford ta get rid of this…so I’m stuck this way forever!

 **Randy:** (Thinking) It has its advantages…

 **Shirley:** (Sniffles) That nurse at the beauty parlour was totally right… He’s a shallow jerk!

 _Bawling, she buries her face in_ **Randy’s** _suit. The ram, startled, moves his hand from her thigh to pat her back._

 **Randy:** (Calmly) If I may be so bold…why did you agree to be his girlfriend?

 **Shirley:** (Snivelling) Like, I don’t know… M-My crystal ball told me that we were to be, or some junk. I-It’s never wrong!

 **Randy:** (Calmly) There’s always a first time.

 **Shirley** _suddenly hears_ **Fifi’s** _voice in her head as she remembers that the skunkette said the same thing at the movie set._

 **Fifi’s Voice:**  If vous ‘ate ‘im, zen, how-you-say, break up avec ‘im.

 **Shirley** _looks up to face_ **Randy** _, her eyes glistening. The ram tries valiantly to look anywhere but at her cleavage._

 **Shirley:** (Bitterly) Y’know what, Randy? You’re totally right. With Plucky, it was never about us. We never talked about our future, or some junk. It was always about HIS future. His show. He totally can’t stand anybody else bein’ the centre of attention. Well, if he wants ta make a spinoff, he can have it all to himself!

_She gets to her feet and begins to pack her bags._

**Randy:** (Bewildered) Wh-What’re you doing?

 **Shirley:** (As she packs) I’m goin’ back ta Acme Acres. I’m through with spinoffs. I never should’ve gone on this trip in the first place.

 **Randy:** (Shocked) By yourself?

 **Shirley:** (Tearfully) Like, of course! Ya said so yourself! I shouldn’t be with that slimeball of an ex; Hammy an’ Feef totally hate me! I never wanted ta get married, anyway! (Pauses) I don’t know what’s sadder…the fact that I’m leavin’ or the fact that Plucky was acting exactly how I wanted him ta be.

_She slams her suitcase shut and storms to the door. The ram leaps off the bed and runs after her._

**Randy:** (Protesting) You can’t leave!

 **Shirley:** (Bitterly) I’ve got no reason ta stay, or some junk.

 **Randy:** (Genuinely) Look, Ms. Loon. I-I’ll escort you back home. If there’s one thing that you shouldn’t do, it’s being alone with your suffering. I-I’ll be your groi-shoulder ta cry on all the way.

 **Shirley** _stares at him for a beat. She sighs deeply and smiles sadly at him._

 **Shirley:** Like, if you insist… C’mon.

 

**Act Seven**

_We cut to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _being led by a waiter to their table in a restaurant. We can see that the building overlooks the sea. They sit down and look at their respective menus._

 **Fifi:** (Musing) Hmmm… vat do tu want to eat, Hammy?

 **Hamton:** (Confidently) I’ll eat anything…except pork! Order whatever you want, Feef. I’ll spare no expense!

 **Fifi:** (Happily) Okay, ah will!

 _She looks down at her menu. As she does so,_ **Hamton** _looks frantically around for the_ **Doberman** _. He breathes a sigh of relief. The bully is nowhere to be seen._

 **Hamton:** (Happily) No sign of him.

 **Fifi:** (Looking up from her menu) No sign of who?

 **Hamton:** (Stammers) Uh…no sign of somebody I really want to avoid…that’s Plucky.

 _The camera cuts to an alleyway outside the restaurant. The_ **Doberman** _strides up to a door which reads:_ **“KITCHEN”** _. He grins nastily._

 **Doberman:** (To the camera) The one thing that’ll exact my plan for revenge is in this kitchen. If I’m really quiet, nobody will know I’m there.

 _He stands back…and punches the door. It comes off its hinges and hits the floor with a crash! Flexing his muscles with a cocky grin, the_ **Doberman** _enters the building. The kitchen of the restaurant is so busy that not only has nobody noticed that somebody has broken in, but they just step over the door which is lying on the floor!_

 _As the_ **Doberman** _searches the area, we can see_ **Michigan J Frog** _walking rigidly on prosthetic legs and_ **Tyrone Turtle** _is dropped into a pot of boiling water. Finally, the canine finds what he is looking for, and snatches a tin of tomato juice off of a shelf._

 **Doberman:** (To the camera) According to the pretty pictures I saw in a book, this’ll take that girl down a peg or two.

 _He walks offscreen, laughing nastily to himself as he goes. We fade back to_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _. It appears that they have been served, as they are digging into their meals._ **Fifi** _is eating some Matelote, whilst_ **Hamton** _eats some Coq au vin._

 **Fifi:** (Sighs happily) Zere eez nothing like some lovely gourmet food from ma ‘ome. Ah shall ‘ave to take tu zere someday, Hamtone.

 **Hamton:** (Confidently) That would be nice, but I could take you. It would be my treat! Anything for you!

 **Fifi:** (Chuckles) Tu do not ‘ave to do zat!

 **Hamton:** (Insistent) Oh, but I do! In order to prove that I’m a good boyfriend who looks out for ya!

 **Fifi:** (Beat) Hammy, ah just need to powder ma nose. Ah will not be long.

 _She awkwardly stands up and leaves the table in the direction of the toilets._ **Hamton** _watches her go, his heart sinking._

 **Hamton:** (Thinking sadly) Oh, no… I shouldn’t have said that. Now, she thinks I’m a wimp. That Doberman was right… How can things get any worse?

 _The camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _as she stands before the mirror, washing her hands. She regards her reflection in deep thought._

 **Fifi:** (Thinking) What has got into Hamtone? Why eez ‘e suddenly so, how-you-say, insecure et obsessed avec proving ‘imself to moi? ‘E eez dwelling on what zat buffoon said. Mon dieu…’ow am ah going to convince ‘im zat ‘e eez not what zat fou says ‘e eez?

 _She dries her hands and opens the door to go back to her table. As she walks out of the toilets, a familiar hand grabs her shoulder and wheels her round. The_ **Doberman** _smirks patronisingly at her._

 **Fifi:** (Shocked) VOUS?! What are vous doing ‘ere?!

 **Doberman:** (Condescendingly) Weren’t expecting ta see me again, were ya, creampuff?

 **Fifi:** (Angrily) Ah ‘ave no time pour ze likes of vous. Ah am on a date avec ma boyfriend!

_She shoves the canine’s hand off of her shoulder, but he stops her once more before she can walk away._

**Doberman:** (Sniggers) Why are you hangin’ out with him? What good is a boyfriend who cowers in the corner while you get your hands dirty?

 **Fifi:** (Disgusted) Et vous are any better?

 **Doberman:** (Smirks) Naturally. (Patting her) You upset me by sprayin’ me earlier, but I’m willing to let bygones be bygones. Ditch the geek an’ spend the rest of your life with me.

 **Fifi:** (Appalled) Do not be so disgusting! Ah would rather die zan be avec un misogynist like vous!

 **Doberman:** (Sighs) I guess I’ll hafta knock some sense into ya.

 _He makes a fist, and swings it._ **Fifi** _immediately ducks and it narrowly misses her._

 **Fifi:** (Shocked) Vat are vous doing?!

 **Doberman:** (Nonchalantly) Teaching you your place.

 _He throws another punch. This time,_ **Fifi** _grabs her tail in both hands and swings it like a baseball bat. It hits the_ **Doberman’s** _arm! While it doesn’t seem to faze him, we can see him nursing the spot where the skunkette whacked him._

 **Doberman:** (Laughs) Pathetic! Do you really think you can hurt me?

 **Fifi** _turns red in the face, and her tail stretches offscreen. Five seconds later, it returns with a frying pan. The skunkette immediately seizes it and brings it down on the canine’s head. That does the trick. Stars float around the_ **Doberman’s** _head as_ **Fifi** _wraps her tail around his right leg, and pulls. This causes the huge dog to fall over backwards. He lands on the floor with a CRASH!_

 **Fifi:** (Smugly) Eet seems to moi zat vous like being made un fool of. Mais, just so vous leave Hammy et moi alone…

 _She raises her tail and is about to spray some musk when the tin of tomato juice is tipped all over her. It covers her fur and stains her white dress._ **Fifi** _gasps at the shock. Immediately, she smells the liquid that has been poured all over her._

 **Fifi:** (Horrified) Jus de tomate… (Furiously, to the **Doberman** ) Vous coward!

 **Doberman:** (Nastily) I’M a coward? Without yer smell, you’re all talk!

 **Fifi** _tries to run, but the dog seizes her by the tail. As she is unable to release her musk, she can’t escape._

 **Fifi:** (Gasps in pain) Do not do zat! Let…moi…go!

 **Doberman:** (Mockingly) You can’t go back to your date lookin’ like that! Your dress is all dirty! (Sadistically) Let me…take it off…

 **Fifi:** (Angrily) Vous shall do no such…AGH!

 _The_ **Doberman** _grabs her by the waist and shoves her against the wall. The skunkette kicks and struggles, but the canine reaches behind her in order to unzip her dress._

 **Doberman:** (Deadly whisper) You don’t stink anymore, but I can smell cherries…

 **Fifi:** (Screams) NON! NON!!

 **Doberman:** (Threateningly) Shut up! You breathe a word of this to ANYONE and I’ll…

 _He is interrupted by what sounds like an angry bull. Confused, the_ **Doberman** _looks around. The camera cuts to an infuriated_ **Hamton** _standing in front of the door which leads to the dining area. His fists are clenched. His teeth are bared. Fire is dancing in his eyes._

 **Doberman:** (Patronisingly) Well, look who finally decided ta grow a backbone. As you can see, your girlfriend and I are busy, so I’ll give you ten seconds ta run away. If you’re still here after I’ve finished counting, I’m havin’ hot dogs for dinner! (Counts) Ten…Nine…Eight…Seven…Six…

 **Hamton’s** _eyes shift to_ **Fifi** _, who is covered in what appears to be blood. Then, they immediately shift to the empty tin of tomato juice. The pig begins to snort angrily, steam emitting from his nostrils._

 **Doberman:** (Complacently) Five…Four…Three…Two…One…

 **Hamton** _abruptly rushes up to the_ **Doberman** _and grabs him by his tail._

 **Hamton:** (Furiously) Get away from her, you bitch!

 _With astounding strength, he lifts the_ **Doberman** _off the floor, causing him to let go of_ **Fifi** _, who scurries away from the ensuing fight. The pig then swings the dog around, slamming his body onto the floor. He does this a second time. Then another…and another…until the floorboards begin to show cracks. Teeth fly from the_ **Doberman’s** _mouth each time he hits the floor._

 **Hamton:** (Deadly calm) This is for spilling my drink…

 _He slams the_ **Doberman** _against the wall, before seizing him by the throat and forcing him to look into his eyes. His free hand balls into a fist._

 **Hamton:** (Deadly calm) And this is for Fifi…

 **Hamton’s** _fist collides with the_ **Doberman’s** _face. The force of the blow sends the muscular canine crashing through the ceiling and flying into the night sky, vanishing out of sight._

 **Doberman:** (Screams) YAAAAAAAAAAAAA-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOOOOOOOEEEEY!

 **Hamton** _watches the dog fly away, before rushing to_ **Fifi’s** _side._

 **Hamton:** (Concerned) Fifi, are you alright?

 **Fifi** _looks up at him. Her eyes are glistening. She is uncharacteristically shaken by what the_ **Doberman** _has done. Finally, she buries her head in the pig’s chest, sobbing silently._ **Hamton** _immediately hugs her._

 **Hamton:** (Comforting) It’s alright. Ssh… He’s gone…

 

**Act Eight**

**Plucky** _looks around the psychedelic room for_ **Shirley** _. He is getting more and more frantic as he does so, as he has no idea where she has got to._

 **Plucky:** (Worriedly) Aw, man, where could she be? She can’t have just vanished into thin air! Not even she can do that!

_Suddenly, he notices something and the camera cuts to a piece of paper with a message that has been hastily written down._

**Plucky:** (Puzzled) What the…? What’s this?

 _He_ _bends down and picks the message up to take a closer look at it. We can see that the letter is slightly damp. Possibly from tears._

DEAR PLUCKY

 

I DON’T GET YOU. FIRST, YOU ACT LIKE A SELFISH DUCK-TOAD. THEN, WHEN I TRY TO MAKE YOU HAPPY, YOU THROW IT BACK IN MY FACE AND MOCK ME. WELL, I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU. YOU’VE NEVER CARED ABOUT ME, FIFI OR HAMTON. THIS WHOLE TIME, IT’S JUST BEEN ABOUT YOU. I CAN’T BELIEVE I WANTED TO MARRY YOU.

 

YOU CAN CARRY ON TO WISCONSIN FOR ALL I CARE, BUT I’M GOING HOME. YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY. YOU’RE HAVING A SPINOFF ALL TO YOURSELF.

 

BECAUSE YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN.

 

SHIRLEY

 

 **Plucky** _reads the message one more time. He begins to shake his head rapidly. It can’t be true. It just can’t._ **Shirley’s** _just playing a trick on him to teach him a lesson. We can see that the green duck is finding it rather difficult to believe this._

 **Plucky:** (Tearfully) No…

_He holds the letter to his chest, tears rolling down his cheeks._

**Plucky:** (Tearfully) No…No…No…NO…NO!!

 _His sadness turns to anger. He glowers at the message, which now seems to be mocking him. It keeps reminding him that_ **Shirley** _is gone and there’s nothing he can do about it. Going red in the face, he savagely tears the letter to shreds and throws it to the floor._

_After doing this, he buries his face in his hands and begins to sing the theme song heard in the pilot._

**Plucky:** (Sadly sings) It’s mine… No, it’s our show… More like my show…

_He can no longer continue the song and breaks down in a flood of tears._

_We fade to the beach at_ **Fort Lauderdale** _._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _are sat under a boardwalk, watching the moon slowly begin to rise in the sky, creating a gently rippling reflection in the ocean._ **Fifi** _has her tail wrapped around the both of them. Her fur and dress are spotless, now._

 **Hamton:** (Concerned, to **Fifi** ) Are you sure you’re okay, now?

 **Fifi:** (Confidently) Ah will be fine. Zat brute played dirty. (Softly) Ah am trés thankful zat tu were zere to save moi.

 **Hamton:** (Chuckles) It was nothing. I-I can’t stand ta see anyone do such terrible things to you.

 **Fifi:** (Giggles) Zat eez why ah am glad zat tu are my boyfriend. (Gently) Hamtone…ah am proud of tu, et so will Oncle Stinky when ‘e hears.

 **Hamton:** (Blushes) Aw, shucks…

 **Fifi:** (Sweetly) Remember zis, Hammy. Ah am not ashamed of tu if tu get un petit afraid. Ah love tu just ‘ow tu are. Tu can stand up pour yourself when eet eez needed.

 **Hamton:** (Happily) Thank you… I’m glad that you’re my girlfriend. Y-You help me out when I need it. We look out for each other.

 **Fifi:** (Sighs) Zat we do. Zat eez why ah feel sorry pour Shirley in some ways.

 **Hamton:** (Sadly) I suppose so… And Plucky, to an incredibly tiny extent.

 _Smiling warmly, they hold each other close, grateful that they are together as a loving couple. They are blissfully unaware of what has happened between_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _._

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**CREDITS**

Based on an idea by: **Pepe K**

Written by: **Redtop95**

Creative Consultant: **Pepe K**


	7. The Plucky and Yucky Duckling Hour

_We can see a lonely railway station in the middle of nowhere. The camera pans down to_ **Plucky** _, who is stood on the platform. His eyes are bloodshot from crying, and there is visible stubble on his bill. It is most likely that he is at this station because_ **Monty** _had informed him that his new co-stars would meet him here._

**Plucky:** (Narrating) Spinoff Log: Entry 6. It’s funny, isn’t it? Ya may have noticed that I didn’t finish my spinoff entry last time. I just didn’t feel up to it. Life has been pretty shabby since I left Acme Acres ta make my own show. Everything’s gone wrong. Every attempt we made at making a spinoff has ended in disappointment. Now, I’m on my own. My best friends and…Shirley want nothin’ more ta do with me. I’m free ta do whatever I want…AND IT’S AWFUL!! It’s true what they say. Ya dunno what you’ve got…until it’s gone.

**Plucky** _looks left and right down the track, wondering when the train will arrive. He looks up at the station clock. Above it is a loudspeaker._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) At times like this, I like to think about life’s biggest questions. Who made me? Why am I here? And then I remember what Dad told me.

_We enter a flashback._ **Baby Plucky** _is sat on the sofa next to his father:_ **Mr Duck** _. As a sight gag,_ **Baby Plucky** _is holding a stuffed_ **Bugs Bunny** _doll which has had its head ripped off and replaced with_ **Daffy’s** _._

**Mr Duck:** (To **Baby Plucky** ) Well, son, I made you and yer here because yer mother doesn’t like scrambled eggs.

_The flashback ends and we cut back to_ **Plucky** _staring dejectedly at the camera._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) That didn’t help at all.

_He looks up and down the track a second time. He is getting very impatient from all this waiting._

**Plucky:** (Mutters) Monty told me that my new co-stars were gonna meet me here. (Angrily) There’s no-one ta be seen!

 **Loudspeaker:** Train running on Track 5 for Anaheim, Azusa and Cuuuu-ca-mon-gaaaa, all abooooooooard!

_All of a sudden, a train comes thundering past. We can see that a lifeboat is caught on one of the wagons, with a_ **Sailor** _sat in it and still rowing despite not being in any water. Some words on the boat read:_ **“S.S SCHLESINGER”** _._

**Sailor:** (Sings) Shipmates, stand together! Don’t give up the ship…

_As the train continues to race past the station, we can see that the door on one of the wagons is open, and a_ **Bear Quartet** _are dancing inside it. The four ursine look like they’re from a Hanna-Barbera cartoon._

**Bear Quartet:** (All sing) I wanna go-go Saint Lou-hoo-ey, wanna go-go Saint Lou-hoo-ey, wanna hear that train woo-hoo-ey ‘til we reach St Louis Mo!

_The train finally zooms off into the distance, and_ **Plucky** _sighs in disappointment and frustration. He assumes that this wasn’t the train he was waiting for, as it didn’t stop at the platform. The camera zooms out to reveal that there is a cardboard box with holes in it sitting on the platform beside the green duck. All of a sudden, a diminutive voice speaks._

**???:** Green Daffy?

**Plucky** _leaps into the air with shock. The lid of the box opens to reveal a_ **Duckling** _which looks similar to_ **Yakky Doodle** _._

**Duckling:** Hi! I’m Yucky Duck!

_The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _, who is staring down at the newcomer from the roof._

**Plucky:** (To the camera, in disbelief) Yucky Duck?

 

**THE PLUCKY & YUCKY DUCKLING HOUR**

**Act One**

_We cut to_ **Plucky** _looking down at_ **Yucky** _, looking very confused._ **Yucky** _looks up at him, impatiently tapping his webbed foot._

**Plucky:** (Puzzled) Can I help ya with something, kid?

 **Yucky:** (Sarcastically) Gee, it’s great ta have an uncle who can recognise his own nephew!

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) NEPHEW?!

 **Yucky:** (Condescendingly) Are you deaf? (To the camera) I suppose he is. He is old, after all.

 **Plucky:** (Affronted) OLD?!

_He shakes his head in frustration, trying to forget the cheeky comment that the hatchling has just made._

**Plucky:** (Annoyed, to **Yucky** ) How can I be yer uncle, anyway? I’m an only child!

 **Yucky:** (Pained) You don’t remember when I was hatched? You were there!

_We enter a flashback. We can see a hospital which is called_ **“ST. EXPOSITION”** _before fading into the building. The_ **Stork** _walks drunkenly along a corridor carrying a bundle, which supposedly has a new born child inside._

**Stork:** (Drunkenly) The best time…HIC! …Ta be alive is when… HIC! …When a new… HIC! …New baby is brought into… HIC! …The world… HIC! …Because it’s when a stork… HIC! …Can get free drinks…

_He stumbles up to a door which has a sign reading_ **“DELIVERY ROOM”** _on it. We can hear female screams of pain coming from within as somebody is giving birth. The_ **Stork** _peeks into the room. After a beat, he looks at the camera in shock and horror._

**Stork:** (To the camera) I’ve been… HIC! …Made redun… HIC! …Redun… HIC! …Redundant!

_He cocks a gun and holds it to his head. The camera cuts to a waiting room as we hear a gunshot offscreen._ **Plucky** _is pacing around, occasionally looking at the clock and shaking his head. The camera pans up to focus on the hands on the clock. They begin to spin erratically, which supposedly indicates time passing by, until_ **Plucky** _clambers onto an armchair and hits it. This causes the hands to continue moving normally._

_Suddenly, we hear the sound of an egg breaking, and_ **Plucky** _gets down from the chair as_ **Hello Nurse** _carries a bundle which the new born child is wrapped up in. As_ **Plucky** _comes over to take a closer look at the baby,_ **Yucky** _emerges from the bundle._

**Yucky:** (Grinning) Hiya, Unc!

**Plucky** _turns to look at the camera…and faints._ **Yucky** _turns to look at the camera, and immediately bursts into tears._

**Yucky:** WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

_The flashback ends and we cut to a dumbfounded_ **Plucky** _. He is having trouble comprehending what he’s just been told._

**Plucky:** (Puzzled) I don’t remember any of this happening.

 **Yucky:** (Tearfully) Ya don’t remember my birth?? It was a joyous occasion!

 **Plucky:** (Baffled) Wait…I’m yer so-called uncle. Why wasn’t yer dad there?

 **Yucky:** (Casually) He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.

 **Plucky:** (Confused) Was he building a house?

 **Yucky:** (Casually) No, they were hanging him.

 **Plucky:** (Shaking his head) Look, what’re ya doin’ here, kid? I’m supposed ta be waitin’ for my new co-stars for my spinoff, so get lost!

 **Yucky:** (Haughtily) I AM yer new co-star, you idiot!

_There is a beat as_ **Plucky** _takes in what the duckling has just told him. Then, he speaks._

**Plucky:** (Uneasily) Y-You’re my new co-star?

 **Yucky:** (Sarcastically) No, I just came all this way ta say “Hi”.

 **Plucky:** (Beat, grumpily) No…just no. I did NOT ask for this.

 **Yucky:** (Arrogantly) Too bad, chump! You made yer deal with Montana Max, and you’re lucky that I’m willin’ ta co-operate with the likes of you!

 **Plucky:** (Apprehensive) Wait… (Beat) Monty hired ya?

 **Yucky:** (Smugly) Yep!

 **Plucky** _begins to sweat as he remembers what_ **Monty** _had threatened to so if he didn’t co-operate._

 **Monty’s Voice:** (Bluntly) I’ll tell the rabbits what you’re up to.

_The green duck swallows and looks down at_ **Yucky** _. He forces a desperate smile, sweat trickling down his forehead._

**Plucky:** (Nervous laugh) So… How’s my favourite nephew that I only knew about five minutes ago?

 **???:** (Cheerfully) I’m A-Okay!

**Plucky** _looks down at_ **Yucky** _in shock and surprise. That voice didn’t sound like the duckling at all!_

**Plucky:** (Dumbfounded, to **Yucky** ) What else can ya do, nephew that I only knew about five minutes ago?!

 **Yucky:** (Rolling his eyes) That wasn’t me.

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled) Then, who…?

_The camera suddenly cuts to_ **Skippy Squirrel** _pushing_ **Slappy Squirrel** _in a wheelchair along the platform up to the two waterfowl._ **Slappy** _is wearing a diaper._

**Plucky:** (Confused, to **Skippy** ) Can I help ya, kid?

 **Skippy:** (Eagerly) Are you Green Daffy?

 **Plucky:** (Annoyed) No, I’m Plucky Duck, what’s it to ya?

 **Skippy:** (Excitedly, to **Slappy** ) We found him, Aunt Slappy!

 **Slappy:** (Crankily, to **Skippy** ) Who are you?

 **Plucky:** (To **Skippy** , suspiciously) I was gonna ask the same thing.

 **Skippy:** (Perkily, rattling) I heard about an audition ta be a sidekick for a new show that some guy called Green Daffy was on, and the guy who organised it said I got the part an’ ta meet ya at this train station! (Sheepishly) You could ask my Aunt Slappy, but she can’t remember five minutes ago.

**Plucky** _regards_ **Slappy** _with a raised eyebrow. The elderly squirrel stares blankly into space._

**Slappy:** (Grumpily) I wet myself.

**Plucky** _shakes his head irritably and looks down at the excited young squirrel. Before he can say something, however,_ **Yucky** _shoves him out of the way and he glowers at_ **Skippy** _._

**Yucky:** (Nastily, to **Skippy** ) Yer too late, ya loser! I’M this turkey’s new sidekick!

 **Skippy:** (Shocked, to **Yucky** ) Y-You are…?

_Tears begin to well in the little squirrel’s eyes._ **Yucky** _just looks unimpressed, but_ **Plucky** _winces. He knows what’s about to happen._

**Yucky:** (Indifferently) Go ahead and cry. See if I care!

_Suddenly,_ **Skippy** _begins to cry noisily, tears streaming down his cheeks._ **Plucky** _and_ **Yucky** _hold their ears upon hearing the grating noise._

**Skippy:** (Bawls) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH-HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA!! WAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAA!!

 **Slappy:** (Crankily) What am I doing here?

 **Plucky:** (Groans, to **Yucky** ) My ears! This kid’ll ruin me! Whadda we do?!

 **Yucky:** We could always push him on the tracks, Unc!

 **Plucky:** (Shaking his head, annoyed) No, no, no! I got an idea!

 

**Act Two**

_We cut to_ **Plucky** _standing in a phone booth near the railway station. We can still hear_ **Skippy’s** _obnoxious sobbing._ **Slappy** _can be seen wandering off with an absent-minded expression._

**Plucky:** (Grumbles) I’ll give him a piece of my mind…

_The camera cuts to_ **Monty** _as he’s reclining near his swimming pool. The phone rings, and_ **Grovely** _walks up with a telephone on a silver platter._ **Monty** _reaches out, takes the phone and picks up the receiver._

**Monty:** (Angrily) If you think I’m goin’ ta court, you’ve got another thing…

 **Plucky:** (On the phone) It’s me!

 **Monty:** (Beat) Oh… (Casually) So, Green Daffy…you met your new co-stars?

 **Plucky:** (Angrily) Is this a joke, Monty?

 **Monty:** (Deadly calm) Is there a problem?

 **Plucky:** (Furious) Since when did I have a nephew?!

 **Monty:** (Casually) You never knew you had a nephew? Don’t expect ta be winnin’ Guardian of the Year anytime soon…

 **Plucky:** (Annoyed) Look, Monty, I know ya wanna help but I ain’t gonna make a show with some snot-nosed nephew an’ some squirrel brat…

 **Monty:** (Nonchalantly) And a robot.

 **Plucky:** (Outraged) …And a ro… (Dumbfounded) WHAT?!

_The camera pans out to reveal a_ **Robot** _wearing a butler’s attire standing outside the phone booth. The_ **Robot** _speaks in a similar manner to_ **Richard Burton** _._

**Robot:** (Cordially) Greetings, Green Daffy. I am Spittoon, your robot manservant who randomly quotes Richard Burton.

**Spittoon** _randomly malfunctions. Sparks fly from his body for a few seconds before he speaks once more._

**Spittoon:** (Dramatically) Stand up there in the pulpit and you say “I will teach you…infinities”…

**Plucky** _stares at_ **Spittoon** _in disbelief, before he continues to speak to_ **Monty** _on the phone._

**Plucky:** (Angrily, to **Monty** ) A robot butler?!

 **Monty:** (Casually) Sure, no second banana should be without one. Besides, he quotes some famous guy, so you’ve got cultural references!

 **Plucky:** (Sighs) How am I supposed ta make a show with some bratty nephew, a crybaby squirrel and a robot?!

 **Monty:** (Complacently) You’ll think of something.

_Before_ **Plucky** _can angrily retort, we hear a dial tone, implying that_ **Monty** _has hung up. The green duck looks at the camera in frustration, before walking out of the booth to speak to his peers. We cut to the platform, where_ **Yucky** _is standing alone._ **Plucky** _scans the area for_ **Skippy** _._

**Plucky:** (Confused) Hey, Sucky…

 **Yucky:** (Annoyed) Yucky.

 **Plucky:** (Dismissive) Whatever. Where’s that squirrel kid?

 **Yucky:** (Nonchalantly) Taken care of.

_The camera pans down to the railway tracks._ **Skippy** _is tied to them, still sobbing his heart out._

**Plucky:** (Horrified) ARE YOU CRAZY?!

 **Yucky:** (Casually) No, I’m a duckling.

_We hear the whistling sound of an approaching train. In horror,_ **Plucky** _jumps down onto the track, quickly unties_ **Skippy** _and leaps back onto the platform. Seconds after he does so, the locomotive roars past and the camera cuts to the cab, where_ **Snidely Whiplash** _glares furiously._

**Snidely:** (To the camera) Curses! Foiled again!

_The camera pans back to the platform._ **Skippy** _is still crying noisily._ **Plucky** _glares down at_ **Yucky** _._

**Plucky:** (Sternly, to **Yucky** ) Shame on you! That’s not how ya get a kid ta stop cryin’!

_He takes out a mallet and whacks_ **Skippy** _with it. The young squirrel stops crying and dazedly closes his eyes._

**Plucky:** (Smugly) That’s how. (Severely, to **Yucky** ) Right, we need ta have a talk. (Shouts) CAST MEETING!!

**Spittoon** _clanks up to the trio as_ **Plucky** _drops_ **Skippy** _, who falls to the floor with a thud. As they all regard him, the green duck clears his throat and speaks._

**Plucky:** (To the group) Alright, so accordin’ ta Monty, you losers are my new co-stars. (Severely) Since it’s MY show yer a part of, I wanna make some things very clear…

 **Yucky:** (Interrupting angrily) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why’s it YOUR show?!

 **Plucky:** (Frustrated) Don’t start…

 **Spittoon:** (Pointedly, to **Plucky** ) Your nephew is correct. Why is it that you are the…

 _He_ _randomly malfunctions. Sparks fly from his body for a few seconds before he speaks once more._

 **Spittoon:** (Dramatically) This diamond has so many carats, it’s a turnip.

 **Plucky:** (Annoyed) Listen, the guy who hired you chumps specifically stated that you work for me! He called me last night. End of story!

 **Yucky:** (Snarky) That ain’t what he told me!

 **Plucky:** (Patronisingly) Oh, yeah? Well, what did he tell ya?

 **Yucky:** (Cockily) He told me that I was gonna be the star of this spinoff! He said that teenagers were out an’ cute little sidekicks were IN! (Smugly) He should know. He made a survey.

 **Plucky:** (With a raised eyebrow) What makes YOU so special out of all the “cute little sidekicks”?

 **Yucky:** (Smugly) I have a catchphrase!

 **Plucky:** (Unimpressed) What is it?

 **Yucky:** (Combatively) DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA!! DUCKY-DOO-DOO!!

_He rushes forward, grabs_ **Plucky** _and judo throws him into a stack of suitcases. The green duck is slumped against it, balanced on his head._

**Plucky:** (Dazed) Rule Number One: NO attacking the leader!

 **Yucky:** (Smugly) Impressed, huh?

 **Plucky:** (Bluntly) No.

_He falls forward and lands on the floorboards with a CRASH!_ **Yucky** _simply continues to speak, ignoring the fact that his uncle doesn’t seem to be listening._

**Yucky:** (Smugly) I’m also gonna get my own shorts where I team up with my cowboy uncle Hucky ta beat all sorts ‘o’ criminals. We’re gonna meet him in the first episode!

**Plucky** _gets up, and we hear his spine crack as he does so. Rubbing his back vigorously, he rolls his eyes._

**Plucky:** (Unimpressed) If you say so. (To **Spittoon** ) Why’re YOU part of my show? All you seem ta do is quote some famous guy!

 **Spittoon:** (Affronted) I resent that remark…

_He randomly malfunctions. Sparks fly from his body for a few seconds before he speaks once more._

**Spittoon:** (Dramatically) No-one would have believed, in the last years of the nineteenth century, that human affairs were being watched from the timeless worlds of space.

 **Plucky:** (Beat, apathetic) Need I say more…

_He gestures to the sleeping_ **Skippy** _, who is sucking his thumb._

**Plucky:** (Moodily) What about this little imp? What can he do in order ta make my spinoff better than Tiny Toons?

 **Yucky:** (Dismissively) He’s cute. I wouldn’t let him have too much screen time, though. At least no more than what I’ll get.

 **Plucky:** (Annoyed, to the group) Okay… are there any more dorks who are gonna be in my show?

**Yucky** _and_ **Spittoon** _look at each other, then at_ **Skippy** _. After a beat, they shake their heads. The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _as he sternly regards his co-stars. After a few seconds, we hear another voice._

**???:** (Condescendingly) I hope I’m not too late to the party, Dum-Dum.

**Plucky** _looks behind him, and does a double take as a small humanoid_ **Alien** _hovers a few inches from his face._

**Plucky:** (Shocked) Where did YOU spring from?!

 **Alien:** (Condescendingly) From a planet with technology that a simple primitive fowl like you couldn’t understand.

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled) Who are you?

 **Alien:** (Condescendingly) I am the Superb Yahoo. I was sent back in time in order to research how ducks bred in the final decade of the 20 th Century.

 **Plucky:** (With a raised eyebrow) Ya wanna know how ducks breed?

 **Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) Correct, Dum-Dum.

 **Plucky:** (Rolling his eyes) Ya came to the wrong place, bud. (Gesturing to **Yucky** , **Skippy** and **Spittoon** ) As you can see, there ain’t any girls here!

 **Yucky:** (Baffled, to **Plucky** ) Who’re ya talkin’ to?!

 **Plucky:** (Dumbfounded, to **Yucky** ) Who d’ya think I’m talkin’ to?! (Pointing at **Yahoo** ) There’s an alien a few inches in front of my face!

**Yucky** _squints at his uncle. We get a view of_ **Plucky** _from where the duckling is standing. It looks like the green duck is pointing at thin air._

**Yucky:** (Beat, to **Plucky** ) Did Grandma drink when you were in her tummy?

 **Plucky:** (Snappily) Yes! (Backpedalling) Uh, I mean… (Shaking his head) Never mind! There’s some alien here, his name’s the Subpar Yippee an’ he’s here ta research how ducks breed! (To **Yahoo** ) Well, why don’t ya say something?!

 **Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) Firstly, Dum-Dum, my name is the Superb Yahoo. Secondly, your peers cannot see me.

 **Plucky:** (Irate) Why not?!

 **Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) Because reasons.

**Plucky** _does a slow burn before he speaks once more._

**Plucky:** (Frustrated, to **Yahoo** ) Did Monty hire you too?

 **Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) What, may I ask, is a Monty? I was sent back in time to study ducks and how they breed. I am forbidden to leave your side until you…well, your barbaric mind knows the rest.

 **Plucky:** (Sighs) Fine. We’ll find a girl ta be on the show an’ THEN will ya leave me alone?

**Yucky** _has been listening in to_ **Plucky’s** _conversation with (from the duckling’s perspective) himself. Upon hearing the G-word, a look of horror adorns his face._

**Yucky:** (Aghast) GIRLS?! (Retches) No way! We ain’t havin’ girls on our show! Girls have cooties!!

 **Plucky:** (To **Yucky** ) I make the rules on this show, an’ I say we’re havin’ a girl be part of the cast!

 **Yucky:** (Dismissively) Who needs girls, anyway? They’re nothin’ but trouble! That’s why I’m glad Mom wasn’t one!

**Plucky** _goes red in the face and takes a deep breath as if he is about to yell at the duckling. After five seconds, he exhales in defeat. It’s possible that he was thinking about_ **Shirley** _._

**Plucky:** (Exasperated) Fine. We won’t get a girl ta be in the show JUST YET. Let’s just start this train wreck!

 **Spittoon:** I’m afraid that our time is up…

_He randomly malfunctions. Sparks fly from his body for a few seconds before he speaks once more._

**Spittoon:** (Dramatically) Your tongue is old, but sharp, Cicero. Be careful how you waggle it. One day it will cut off your head.

 **Plucky:** (To **Yucky** ) What did he say?

 **Yucky:** (Indifferently) He quoted some famous guy.

 **Plucky:** (Frustrated) No, No, NO!! What does he mean by our time being up?!

 **Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) It’s the end of the first episode, Dum-Dum.

 **Plucky:** (Baffled, to **Yahoo** ) No, it isn’t! And anyway, this is the seventh…

 **Yahoo:** (Interrupting, condescendingly) This is the first episode of your new show: The Plucky and Yucky Duckling Hour.

 **Plucky:** (Affronted, to **Yahoo** ) How d’ya know that?

 **Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) Mind your own business, Dum-Dum.

**Plucky** _glares and is about to retort when the camera pans out to reveal that he is no longer wearing his white vest. Instead, his attire consists of a red shirt and blue jeans. The green duck does a double take upon noticing this._

**Plucky:** (Shocked) Where did THESE come from?!

 **Yucky:** (Scornfully) They’re yer clothes, Unc. That was another decision that Monty made. Ya can’t hang around me without any pants!

 **Plucky:** (Pointing at **Yucky** and **Skippy** ) But you guys don’t wear any… (Aggravated) Never mind! Let’s end the first episode then. (To the camera) I miss Shirl already…

**Act Three**

_We fade to a desert road._ **Randy** _can be seen strolling purposefully along. For some reason,_ **Shirley** _is nowhere to be seen. After a few minutes,_ **Randy** _stops walking and mops his brow._

**Randy:** (To **Shirley** ) Are you sure you don’t want any help, Ms. Loon?

_The camera pans quickly over to_ **Shirley** _, who is several miles behind the ram. She is struggling to walk in her overly tight attire, which groans and creaks with every step she takes._

**Shirley:** (Grumbles) Like, curse this stacked body! I’ll never get back ta Acme Acres this way!

_She suddenly trips and falls flat on her face, her breasts cushioning her fall. Her behind is up in the air._ **Randy** _zips over to her side with the intent of helping her back up to her feet. Something seems to prevent her from doing so._

**Shirley:** (Muffled) Like, Randy? Help me up, mondo quick! I got sand in my mouth, or some junk!

_We cut to a close up of_ **Randy’s** _face. He looks positively thunderstruck. The camera focuses on the ram for a few seconds, before it abruptly cuts to_ **Shirley’s** _bottom. We might be seeing it from the ram’s perspective, but the loon’s rear seems to have gotten bigger._

**Randy:** (Murmuring) Sweet mother of Avery… It’s enormous!

 **Shirley:** (Muffled, affronted) Like, what?! What’s enormous?!

 **Randy:** (Shocked) Uh… Th-That… that scorpion!

 **Shirley:** (Horrified) Like, what scorpion?! GET IT AWAY FROM ME! GET ME UP!!

**Randy** _bends down to help the loon, deliberately putting his face uncomfortably close to her bottom. After ten seconds of staring, he puts his arms around_ **Shirley** _(she forces them lower down around her stomach) and lifts her up, holding her in his arms like a baby._

**Shirley:** (Looking around) Hey, there wasn’t a scorpion around, or some junk!

 **Randy:** (Nervously) Y-Yes, there was! I scared it off before it could sting ya!

 **Shirley:** (Suspiciously) That, and I totally felt something sniffing my…

 **Randy:** (Quickly interrupting) It was the wind. (Briskly) Now, listen. We’re gettin’ nowhere fast with you walking in that…outfit. I’ll carry ya the rest of the way.

 **Shirley:** (With a raised eyebrow) You sure? Pl-ucky, erm, Green Daffy always said I was too heavy ta carry.

 **Randy:** (Chuckles) Well, you’re not. Forget about Green Daffy. It’s completely his loss that you’re out of his pathetic life. (Grins) You’re with me now…

_He turns and continues to walk with_ **Shirley** _in his arms as the sun begins to set._

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**CREDITS**

Written by: **Redtop95**


	8. Brawl in the Family and How the West was Overdone

**THE PLUCKY & YUCKY DUCKLING HOUR**

**Brawl in the Family**

Written by: Montana Max 

_The camera roves along a busy highway as we focus on a rusty pickup truck clutter its way to an unknown destination. We zoom in to reveal that_ **Plucky** _is driving it. He is wearing his red shirt and blue jeans and does not look happy with what is going on at all._ **Yucky** _is sat on the dashboard, occasionally obscuring his uncle’s view._ **Skippy** _is still unconscious and lying on the seat beside them, while_ **Spittoon** _is stood in the cargo area. We cut to a closeup of_ **Plucky** _as he tries to keep his focus on the road, but he tilts his head to the side as_ **Yucky** _obscures his view._

**Plucky:** (Narrating) Spinoff Log: Entry 7. I’ve done it. I’ve got my own show at last. Ya think I’d be happy, but I ain’t. My new co-stars aren’t exactly what I had in mind and because Monty’s a big stupid jerk-face, I gotta put up with ‘em until further notice. There’s something else that’s botherin’ me…

_The camera abruptly zooms out to give us a full view of the pickup truck._

**Plucky:** (Yelling) Where did this jalopy come from…AND SINCE WHEN DID I KNOW HOW TA DRIVE?!

**Yahoo** _suddenly teleports next to the duck’s head in a reclined position._

**Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) You don’t.

_He teleports away just as_ **Plucky** _loses control of the pickup truck in a blind panic. The vehicle swerves off of the highway. We hear the squealing of tyres, shortly followed by a thunderous CRASH!! We fade to the side of the road and the camera roves through the wreck._ **Spittoon** _is stuck head-first in the ground, and his metallic legs are waving in the air._ **Skippy** _lies unconscious, while_ **Plucky** _sits in the tattered seat, his hands clamped on the steering wheel, which is no longer in the pickup truck._

**Spittoon:** (Droning) Get me up… Get me up… Get me up…

**Yucky** _storms over to_ **Plucky** _. He is holding a map._

**Yucky:** (Angrily, to **Plucky** ) Nice goin’, Unc! Now, we’ll never get ta our destination!

 **Plucky:** (Confused) Where were we going?

**Yucky** _shoves the map in his face. We get a view of it. One area has been circled with red crayon, and reads_ **“DUCK FAMILY REUNION”** _. If you look closely, you can see that the event is taking place in_ **Fort Lauderdale** _._

**Yucky:** (Angrily, to **Plucky** ) We’re supposed ta be at the Duck Family Reunion! All of the Duck Family’s gonna be there!

 **Plucky:** (Sarcastically) Y’know, I never would’ve guessed.

_There is a beat before a look of realisation appears on his face._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) Wait a minute… If we’re goin’ to a family reunion, that means I’ll see my aunt an’ uncle there! I can kill two rabbits with one stone!

 **Yucky:** (Confused) Who’re ya talkin’ to?

 **Plucky:** (Bluntly) Mind yer own business. (Briskly) Anyway, let’s carry on to this Family Reunion an’ get it over with.

 **Yucky:** (Brusquely) We can’t, Unc. Because of you, our ride is wrecked!

_The camera cuts to the remains of the remains of the pickup truck. The windshield falls down and smashes on the ground._ **Skippy** _is still asleep, and_ **Spittoon** _is still stuck in the ground._

**Spittoon:** (Droning) Get me up… Get me up… Get me up…

 **Yucky:** (Whines) We’ll never get there, now! Whadda we do!

 **Plucky:** (Frustrated) Stop talking, you obnoxious nephew. I’ve got a plan!

_The camera cuts to the side of the highway. The group is stood (or in_ **Skippy’s** _case, lying) by the side of the road and_ **Plucky** _is leaning out, sticking out his thumb at the passing motorists._ **Uncle Stinky’s** _mobile home can be seen driving past in the background, but it seems that the green duck hasn’t noticed._ **Yucky** _stands behind his uncle, looking visibly unimpressed._

**Spittoon:** I fail to see the plausibility of us achieving a…

_He randomly malfunctions. Sparks fly from his body for a few seconds before he speaks once more._

**Spittoon:** (Dramatically) All great art comes from people who are either ugly or have a terrible inferiority complex.

 **Plucky:** (Annoyed) One of ‘em will stop.

 **Yucky:** (Impatiently) We’ve been standin’ here for FIVE HOURS!! Nobody’s gonna stop!

 **Plucky:** (Irritably, to **Yucky** ) Well, maybe if you HELPED, someone might notice us!

 **Yucky:** (Stepping forward, irritably) Fine.

**Plucky** _continues his hitchhiking vigil, now accompanied by_ **Yucky** _. They do so for ten seconds, before a garbage truck suddenly pulls over towards them._ **Plucky** _is delighted as the vehicle halts with the door right in front of him._

**Plucky:** (Ecstatic) It worked! (To the group) I found our ride!

 **Yucky:** (Disgusted) I ain’t ridin’ in that thing!

 **Plucky:** (Angrily) Don’t think I won’t go ta this reunion without ya! Now shut up an’ let me do the talkin’!

_The door mirror slowly winds down. We can faintly hear_ **“Particle Man”** _by_ **They Might Be Giants** _playing on the radio._ **Plucky** _opens his mouth to speak, before a beefy human hand grabs him by the throat and pulls him into the truck. We hear a punching sound, before_ **Plucky** _is violently thrown back onto the side of the road._

_The camera cuts to the driver of the garbage truck. It is_ **Crusher** _. He irritably guns the engine and the vehicle zooms off. We cut to_ **Plucky** _as stars float around his head._

**Plucky:** (Burbles) What did he do THAT for?

_Through his groggy vision, he sees_ **Yucky** _continuing to hitchhike. He angrily gets to his feet and storms over to his nephew._

**Plucky:** (Lividly, to **Yucky** ) Ya hitchhike with yer thumb, NOT yer finger!

 **Yucky:** (Defensively) How was I supposed ta know! I’m only three an’ a half years old!

**Yahoo** _teleports beside_ **Plucky’s** _head and nonchalantly surveys the scene._

**Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) Your barbaric form of physical humour amuses me so, Dum-Dum.

 **Plucky:** (Grumpily, to **Yahoo** ) Hey, Taboo, you’re an alien, why don’t ya get yer spaceship an’ fly us ta this reunion?

 **Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) I don’t take orders from primitive waterfowl... (Sternly) …And my name’s Yahoo.

 **Yucky:** (Annoyed, to **Plucky** ) Yer talkin’ ta yerself again, Unc. You’re scaring me…

 **Plucky:** (Angrily, to **Yahoo** ) Y’know, yer not helping this situation in the slightest. Ya do realise that if we don’t get ta where we’re goin’, we’ll never… (Suddenly trailing off) …find…a…girl…

**Yahoo** _looks uncharacteristically surprised by the green duck’s change in mood, and the camera pans over to the highway. A clapped out bus painted in psychedelic colours and covered in vibrant flowers drives past. There is black smoke erupting from the exhaust, and we can hear singing from within._

**Group:** (Singing) All the leaves are brown…and the sky is grey…I’ve been for a walk…on a winter’s day!

_The camera zooms in on one of the members of the group in the minibus. It’s a female duck who looks a little older than_ **Plucky** _(possibly in her early twenties). She has a curvy and busty figure and her black hair flows down to her shoulders. One strand of her hair is coloured pink. She has a looks like a flower girl from the 1960s, but her clothes are slightly more modern than that particular decade, albeit more revealing. She is playing a tambourine as they continue to sing._

_Finally, the minibus drives out of sight, and we cut to a love struck_ **Plucky** _._ **Yahoo** _waves a hand in front of his face in an attempt to snap him out of this stupor, but it doesn’t work. Rolling his eyes, the little blue alien teleports away._

**Yucky:** (Offscreen) What a sight!

 **Plucky:** (Lovesick) I’ll say…

_The camera pans over to_ **Yucky** _. He is not commenting on the female duck that_ **Plucky** _has seen, but on_ **Skippy** _. The young squirrel is not only awake, but he’s wearing a red baseball cap, baggy blue pants that could’ve been worn by_ **M.C Hammer** _, and there are golden letter rings which spell_ **“CRY BABY”** _on his fingers._

**Skippy:** (To **Yucky** ) ‘Sup, b, this is M.C Skippy in da house, ya dig? Look, we got no Dead Presidents ta fix our ride, an’ we gotta dip this place!

_He takes out a skateboard and does some tricks on it._

**Skippy:** (To Yucky) So we bounce on this skateboard signed by my dawg, Tony Hawk. It’s the BOMB!

_Suddenly, the skateboard zooms out from under his feet and he falls to the ground with a THUD! After a beat, he bursts into tears._

**Skippy:** (Bawls) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH-HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA!! WAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAA!!

_Covering his ears,_ **Yucky** _turns to_ **Plucky** _, who has been snapped out of his reverie by the squirrel’s sobbing._

**Yucky:** (Shouting, to **Plucky** ) WE’VE FOUND A VEHICLE!!

_He shows_ **Plucky** _the skateboard. The green duck looks at the camera in frustration. We fade to the seafront at_ **Fort Lauderdale** _. The camera focuses on the exterior of a familiar looking restaurant._ **Plucky** _,_ **Yucky** _,_ **Skippy** _and_ **Spittoon** _trundle sluggishly up to the building on the skateboard. They are all stacked up, with the green duck at the bottom._

**Plucky:** (Breathlessly) We…made…it… Now… (Screams) GET OFFA ME!!

_The three toons fall backwards and land on the ground with a crash!_ **Spittoon’s** _legs kick in the air as he lies on the tarmac._

**Spittoon:** (Droning) Get me up… Get me up… Get me up…

**Yucky** _gets to his feet and grumpily dusts himself down._

**Yucky:** (Angrily) It’s about time! The reunion’s probably over!

 **Plucky:** (Indifferently) Who cares? Let’s get this over with.

_The two waterfowl enter the restaurant, leaving_ **Skippy** _, who is asleep once again, and_ **Spittoon** _outside. We cut to the dining area, where several ducks, which look similar to_ **Plucky** _, are congregating. There is a banner which reads_ **“WHO GIVES A DUCK?”** _The words beneath it say:_ **“Second-Rate Family Reunion”** _._ **Plucky** _and_ **Yucky** _walk into the area, their eyes widening in amazement._

**Plucky:** (Shocked) I don’t remember havin’ so many relatives! (Rolling his eyes) O-Kay, where’s Aunt…

 **???:** (Joyously) UNCLE DONALD!

**Plucky** _does a double take as three smaller ducks with green feathers rush up to him._ **Yucky** _looks overjoyed to see them._

**Yucky:** (Excited) Cousins Yakky, Smakky an’ Wakky!

 **Plucky:** (Nonplussed) Were you kids adopted?

 **Yakky:** (Cheerily) Ya just never heard of us, is all!

 **Smakky:** (Merrily) We solve mysteries…

 **Wakky:** (Gaily) …With our estranged Uncle Wackford!

 _A green duck with a white flowing beard and wearing a kilt bounces past using his cane like a pogo stick. This is_ **Wackford** _._

 **Wackford:** Aye, the noo! Hoots Jimmy! Bagpipes! Cabers! Scotland the Brave!

**Plucky** _watches him in disbelief, before looking down at_ **Yakky** _,_ **Smakky** _and_ **Wakky** _._

**Plucky:** (Dumbfounded) He’s not related ta me!

 **Yucky:** (Snarky, to **Plucky** ) Wow, ya really are a terrible family member.

 **Yakky:** (Cheerily) Our dad…

 **Smakky:** (Merrily) …Got a job…

 **Wakky:** (Gaily) …In a Chinese restaurant!

_We cut to a chef bringing a cleaver down on something offscreen and we hear a crunch before the camera cuts back to_ **Yakky** _,_ **Smakky** _and_ **Wakky** _._

**Yakky:** (Cheerily) We never…

 **Smakky:** (Merrily) …Saw him…

 **Wakky:** (Gaily) …Again!

 **Plucky:** (Beat) I’m just gonna go see my aunt an’ uncle an’ get outta here, okay? Goodbye.

 _He steps over the three nephews and continues his search for his real relatives. The camera follows_ **Plucky** _as he walks through the party. We can see a_ **Crocodile** _among the family members. The_ **Crocodile** _ravenously devours one of the relatives._ **Plucky** _looks around for his aunt and uncle. Judging by his expression, they’re nowhere to be seen._

 **Plucky:** (Mutters) I don’t understand this…all of a sudden, some squab shows up sayin’ I’m his uncle, then I go ta this reunion an’ I’ve never met these dorks in my life…an’ all this started after I made that deal with Monty…

 **???:** (Ecstatic) HOWARD!!

**Plucky** _does a double take as a female duck that looks exactly like him, only in drag, rushes up and embraces him._

**Plucky:** (Confused) Who are you?

 **Female Duck:** (Happily) Don’t ya recognise me, Howard? I’m yer Aunt Flucky whom you’ll never see again!

_A male duck, who is dressed as a cowboy, strides up beside_ **Flucky** _. He has a flowing grey beard._

**Male Duck:** (Merrily) And I’m yer Uncle Hucky! Say, have you seen our other nephew, Yucky? I seem ta recall we signed a contract with some fella called Montana Max which said we would work together in some shorts!

**Yucky** _zooms up with a broad grin on his face._

**Yucky:** (Cheerily) Uncle Hucky!

 **Plucky:** (Perplexed, to **Hucky** and **Flucky** ) You guys ain’t my aunt an’…

 **Hucky:** (To **Yucky** ) Nephew Yucky! Y’all ready ta fight crime?

 **Yucky:** (Eagerly) I sure am, Unc!

 **Hucky:** (To the camera) In fact, let’s start right now!

 **Plucky:** (Baffled) Wait, what…?

**YUCKY & UNCLE HUCKY**

In:

 

**“How the West was Overdone”**

Written by: Montana Max

_The camera roves through a town in the Wild West until it comes to a building which has a sign reading_ **“SHERIFF HUCKY”** _. We fade to the interior, where we see_ **Hucky** _sitting at a desk and polishing his sheriff’s badge._ **Yucky** _is sat beside him, peering into the barrel of a revolver._

**Yucky:** (Cheerfully) Gee whizz, it sure is great ta work here, Uncle Hucky!

 **Hucky:** (Jovially) An’ it sure is great ta hear yer obnoxious voice, nephew!

 **Yucky:** (Eagerly) Are we gonna fight crime, Uncle Hucky?

 **Hucky:** (Gamely) Well, nephew...

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen) WAIT A MINUTE!!

**Yucky** _and_ **Hucky** _look annoyed as_ **Plucky** _storms in from the right hand side._

**Plucky:** (To **Yucky** ) What’s goin’ on here?!

 **Yucky:** (Annoyed) Get outta my short, Unc!

 **Plucky:** (Outraged) YOUR short?! This is MY show!

 **Yucky:** (Irritated) Didn’t ya listen in the last episode?! I’m getting’ my own episodes with my cowboy Uncle Hucky!

 **Hucky** _takes out a sheet of paper._  

 **Hucky:** (Loftily, to **Plucky** ) Kid’s right, son. Says so in the contract.

 **Plucky:** (Dumbfounded) CONTRACT?!

_He snatches the paper from_ **Hucky** _and reads from it. After a beat, he looks up at the camera in disgust._

**Plucky:** (Deadly calm) I’m gonna have a word with Monty…

_He storms offscreen._

**Hucky:** (Causally, to **Yucky** ) Ta answer yer question before we were interrupted, nephew, I don’t think that we’ll run into any trouble today! I’ve always had a reputation of catchin’ any desperadoes so they wouldn’t dare cause any trouble when I’M around!

 **Yucky:** (Disappointed) Aww, that’s no fun! I wanna see some violence!

_Suddenly, the front door bursts open and we see a_ **Citizen** _rush in._

**Citizen:** (Panic-stricken) Sheriff Hucky! Sheriff Hucky! Outlaws are heading this way!

 **Yucky:** (Excited) Oh, boy!

 **Hucky:** (Frustrated) Dag-nabbit! (To **Yucky** ) Let’s go teach those varmints a lesson!

_He withdraws a water pistol from his pocket. We cut to the exterior of the building as_ **Yucky** _scampers out through the door. The camera pans over to the entrance of the town, where a huge dust cloud can be seen charging towards the area._ **Hucky** _walks up to the duckling and stands beside him._

**Hucky:** (To **Yucky** ) Brace yerself, nephew. This is gonna get ugly.

 **Yucky:** (Excited) Oh, boy! A real Western showdown! We’ll rock ‘em an’ sock ‘em!

_The dust cloud sweeps over the town and our view is temporarily impaired for five seconds before it clears. We see_ **Yucky** _eagerly awaiting the foe, and_ **Hucky** _looking stolid as he prepares his water pistol for the showdown._

_The camera slowly pans over to the outlaws. They are... four_ **Beetles** _that are all wearing black cowboy outfits. They all look balefully up at_ **Hucky** _and_ **Yucky** _._

**Hucky:** (Coldly) Lil’ Tumbleweed…

_The_ **Beetle** _that_ **Hucky** _has addressed grins nastily up at him._

**Tumbleweed:** (Laughs) Well, well, if it ain’t Sheriff Hucky! Like yer tapeworm, we jus’ keep comin’ back!

 **Hucky:** (Stolidly) Listen, Tumbleweed. It doesn’t hafta come ta this…

_Before_ **Tumbleweed** _can reply,_ **Yucky** _stands in front of his uncle and stares down at the beetle in disbelief._

**Yucky:** (Outraged) THESE are the outlaws?! I could take these losers down myself! (To the camera) An’ I will!

_We cut to a view of_ **Tumbleweed** _as he looks up in horror at the shadow shaped like a webbed foot which is bearing down upon him._

**Yucky:** (Combatively) DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA!! DUCKY-DOO-DOO!!

_With an audible crack,_ **Yucky** _brings his foot down on_ **Tumbleweed** _, grinding it for a few seconds. The three_ **Beetles** _stare at what has happened to their leader in shock and horror._

**Beetle Outlaw:** (Tearfully, to **Yucky** ) What’ve you done?!

 **Yucky:** (Smugly) I saved the town! (To **Hucky** ) Where’s my sheriff badge, Uncle Hucky?

 **Hucky:** (Nervously, to **Yucky** ) You shouldn’t have done that, nephew…

 **Yucky:** (Cockily) Why not? What’re a bunch ‘o’ bugs gonna do about it?

_We cut to the western town in a fiery ruin. The camera slowly pans out to reveal_ **Hucky** _and_ **Yucky** _watching the chaos from afar._

**Hucky:** (Beat, to **Yucky** ) At least ya got yer violence.

 **Yucky:** (Indifferently) How was I supposed ta know that those bugs would destroy the town just ‘cos I stepped on their leader? I’m only a duckling!

 **Hucky:** (Beat, deadly calm) C’mon, my obnoxious nephew. We’re gettin’ jobs as accountants.

_He turns and begins to walk away into the sunset._ **Yucky** _looks furious at the idea of getting a job as an accountant and runs after his cowboy uncle._

**Yucky:** (Whining) Aww, c’mon, Uncle Hucky! I don’t wanna do a lame job like that! I wanna fight crime! I wanna rock an’ sock bad guys!

_The camera fades to black…before we fade to_ **Plucky** _,_ **Skippy** _and_ **Spittoon** _at the family reunion._ **Plucky** _is at a payphone irritably trying to contact_ **Monty** _. After a beat,_ **Yucky** _flies in, landing on his behind._

**Hucky:** (Offscreen, to **Plucky** ) You can have him! I RESIGN!

 **Yucky:** (Angrily, to **Hucky** ) Aww, who needs you, ya loser! (Haughtily) I can make shorts without you!

_He gets to his feet and turns to face_ **Plucky** _,_ **Skippy** _and_ **Spittoon** _._

**Yucky:** (Irritably) Great, now I’m stuck with you chumps again.

 **Spittoon:** I’m not sure if my thoughts are shared by anybody else, but I feel like my character is unnecessary…

_He randomly malfunctions. Sparks fly from his body for a few seconds before he speaks once more._

**Spittoon:** (Dramatically) The Welsh are all actors. It’s only the bad ones who become professional.

**Plucky** _rolls his eyes before putting more quarters into the payphone’s slot._ **Yahoo** _suddenly appears beside him._

**Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) What’re you doing, Dum-Dum?

 **Plucky:** (Grumpily) If ya must know, I’m tryin’ ta talk ta Monty. I want out of this stupid show.

 **Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) So soon? It’s only the first episode!

 **Plucky:** (Bitterly) It feels like I’ve done 100 episodes with you washouts! I’m gettin’ rid of all of ya!

 **Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) Well, you might be able to leave your bratty nephew, the crying squirrel child and the robot…but not me.

 **Plucky:** (Suspiciously) Whadda ya mean?

 **Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) I’m not working on this program. I doubt you were listening, so I’ll tell you once more. I have been given the strictest instructions not to leave your side until you mate with a female member of your species.

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Of course… (Wistfully) Speakin’ of a female member ‘o’ my species, I wonder how Shirl’s gettin’ on…

**Meanwhile…**

_We fade back to the busy highway that_ **Plucky** _and the group were at before._ **Randy** _is still carrying_ **Shirley** _as he walks along._ **Uncle Stinky’s** _mobile home can be seen driving past in the background._

**Randy:** (Sniffs the air) Yuck! Don’t ya just hate the fumes that all these vehicles give off?

 **Shirley:** (Sheepishly) Like, actually, that’s me…

 **Randy:** (Shocked) WHAT?!

_He drops the loon in disgust and frantically wipes his hands on his front._ **Shirley’s** _fall is cushioned by her rear._

**Shirley:** (Irritably) Look, I’m mondo sorry, but I can’t help it! I’ve been wearin’ these stupid clothes ever since I tried ta… (Sobs) Make Pl-ucky like me… (Recovers) I can’t get outta them ‘cos ‘o’ my surgery, or some junk!

 **Randy:** (In horror) So… you’ve been… (Shakes his head) Never mind! I’ve carried ya all the way ta…

_He looks up at a sign which reads_ **“Fort Lauderdale: Spring Break Destination Since…Always”** _. He then looks back at_ **Shirley** _._

**Randy:** (Angrily) Fort Lauderdale an’ ya never told me that ya…

 **Shirley:** (Embarrassedly) Well, like, yer so strong, I…kinda liked bein’ carried by ya.

**Randy** _blushes with embarrassment upon hearing this. So does_ **Shirley** _._

**Randy:** (Beat) Thank you. (Musing) Y’know, if you’re uncomfortable wearin’ those we could just…take ‘em off…

_As he says this, his horns uncurl and become straight like television aerials. His pupils shrink._

**Shirley:** (Considering) Like, yeah, I guess we could… (Defensively) But not out here, or some junk! (Beat) Like, could ya help me up?

_There is a beat until_ **Randy** _reaches down and slowly helps the blonde loon to her feet. His expression is still blank._

**Shirley:** (Puzzled) Like, are you okay?

 **Randy:** (Blearily) Take ‘em off…

_We cut to a view of_ **Shirley** _through_ **Randy’s** _perspective. The blonde loon’s eyebrow is raised as she looks at the lawyer. The camera is constantly attempting to lower and focus on her cleavage._ **Shirley** _folds her arms._

**Shirley:** (Unimpressed) Like, my eyes are up here.

_We cut to_ **Randy** _. It looks like he’s drooling._ **Shirley’s** _hand appears from offscreen and she snaps her fingers. The ram snaps out of his stupor in a blind panic._

**Randy:** (Frantically) Exhibit B!! (Beat) I…uh…mean…sorry.

 **Shirley:** (Suspicious) Y’know, like, you’ve been actin’ this way since we left that motel.

 **Randy:** (Pointedly) I have heatstroke.

_He pretends to pass out, landing on the tarmac with an audible THUD!_ **Shirley** _looks down at him, and rolls her eyes._

**Shirley:** (Annoyed) Like, if ya don’t wanna carry on, just stay here. I’m goin’ back home with or without ya.

_She turns and begins to walk sluggishly away, the sound of her high heels clacking noisily on the road. The camera slowly pans down to_ **Randy’s** _prone form. His right eye slowly opens and focuses on_ **Shirley’s** _behind as it moves jaggedly from side to side due to the loon’s overtly tight clothing. We cut to_ **Shirley** _hobbling along, before_ **Randy** _zips up behind her and picks her up._

**Shirley:** (Astonished) Like, what the…?!

 **Randy:** (Cheerily) I feel much better! Let’s go find somewhere ta stay for the night!

_He continues walking. When_ **Shirley’s** _not looking, he stretches the leather on her pants. It seems like it’s stuck fast. He looks at the camera in frustration._

**Randy:** (Thinking) There must be SOME way ta get those clothes off…

 

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**CREDITS**

 

Written by: **Redtop95**


	9. Hello, Folly!

**THE PLUCKY & YUCKY DUCKLING HOUR**

**Hello, Folly!**

By Montana Max

 _The camera roves through the streets of_ **Fort Lauderdale** _until it reaches a huge theatre. This is the_ **Broward Center for the Performing Arts** _. We briefly focus on a poster which reads_ **“The King and I: Tonight!”** _The camera pans down to_ **Plucky** _,_ **Yucky** _,_ **Skippy** _and_ **Spittoon** _waiting in a queue._

 **Plucky:** (Bored) Why are we here?

 **Yucky:** (Scornfully, to **Plucky** ) Didn’t ya read the script?

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) I never do.

**Yucky** _takes out a copy of the script and shoves it in the green duck’s face._

**Yucky:** (Annoyed) Montana Max said that the shorts weren’t workin’, so he’s written a special musical episode where we all sing!

**Plucky’s** _face contorts into a sneer and he shoves the script out of his face._

**Plucky:** (Angrily, to **Yucky** ) No! No way! Absolutely not! Ix-nay! Nyet! I am NOT singing! And how come Monty talks ta YOU?! I’ve been tryin’ ta call him so I can quit an’ he’s been ignorin’ me!

 **Yucky:** (Snorts) Why would he wanna speak to the likes ‘o’ you? Besides, ya don’t have a choice. We’re all gonna sing whether we want to or not!

_Abruptly,_ **Spittoon** _dominates the camera, dressed up in an admiral’s attire._

**Spittoon:** (Sings) When I was a lad, I served a term as office boy to an attorney’s firm. I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor, and I polished up the handle of the big front door.

 **Chorus:** He polished up the handle of the big front door!

 **Spittoon:** (Sings) I polished up that handle so carefully, that now I am the ruler of the Queen’s Navy!

 **Chorus:** He polished up that handle so carefully, that now he is the ruler of the Queen’s Navy!

**Spittoon** _randomly malfunctions. Sparks fly from his body for a few seconds before he speaks once more._

**Spittoon:** (Dramatically) I might run from her for a thousand years and she is still my baby child.

**Plucky** _shoves him offscreen and we hear a crash._

**Plucky:** (To **Yucky** ) So we’re gonna do nothin’ but sing?! (Rolls his eyes, sarcastically) Wonderful. Just wonderful!

 **Yucky:** (Sulkily) Ta be honest, I don’t wanna do this any more than you do. We ain’t gonna be singin’, anyway. We hafta watch some stupid show at this theatre.

**Spittoon** _dominates the screen once more._

**Spittoon:** (To the camera) Specifically at the Broward Center for the Performing Arts. Opened the previous year, the theatre was designed by Benjamin C. Thompson and…

_He randomly malfunctions. Sparks fly from his body for a few seconds before he speaks once more._

**Spittoon:** (Dramatically) Home is where the books are.

**Plucky** _shoves him offscreen and we hear a crash._

**Plucky:** (Annoyed, to **Yucky** ) Since when did Tin-Grin get so vocal?

 **Yucky:** (Indifferently) Montana Max said that Spittoon didn’t do much other than quote some famous guy, so he made him more educational.

 **Plucky:** (Frustrated) Who watches cartoons ta learn something, anyway?! (Beat, to **Yucky** ) What show are we watching?

 **Spittoon:** (Offscreen) The King and I was first performed in 1951 and is the fifth musical written by Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II. It was based on…

_We hear the sound of the robot malfunctioning for a few seconds before he speaks again._

**Spittoon:** (Dramatically, offscreen) Ogilvy the astronomer assured me we were in no danger. He was convinced there could be no living thing on that remote forbidding planet.

 **Yucky:** (Snarky) I have no idea what he just said but I just know this is gonna be terrible.

 **Plucky:** (Bitterly) At least we won’t be doin’ anything if we’re just gonna sit through this snoozefest.

**Skippy** _suddenly dominates the screen with a broad grin on his face. He is wearing his M.C Hammer style attire._

**Skippy:** (Sings) It’s a hard knock life…for us! It’s a hard knock life…for us! ‘Stead of treated, we get tricked! ‘Stead of kisses, we get kicked!

 **Plucky:** (Interrupting, to **Skippy** ) AHHHH, SHADDAP!!

_There is a beat before_ **Skippy** _begins to cry noisily, tears streaming down his cheeks._ **Plucky** _holds his ears upon hearing the grating noise._

**Skippy:** (Bawls) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH-HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA!! WAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAA!!

**Yahoo** _teleports beside_ **Plucky’s** _face, covering his ears to shut out the young squirrel’s crying._

**Yahoo:** (Condescendingly, to **Plucky** ) What a noise! Why is that sobbing sap an associate of yours, Dum-Dum?

 **Plucky:** (Cynically) Monty…

_The camera cuts to the entrance of the theatre. An_ **Usher** _stands there, checking the tickets of people who are entering the auditorium._ **Plucky** _notices this and fishes in the pockets of his jeans for money._

**Plucky:** (Dispassionately, to **Yucky** ) Got enough money ta pay for a ticket?

 **Yucky:** (Nonchalantly) No.

 **Plucky:** (Thinking) Finally! I’ve got a chance ta get away from this brat! (To **Yucky** ) I ain’t payin’ for ya!

 **Yucky:** (Smirks) Didn’t expect ya to.

_He suddenly jumps into_ **Plucky’s** _jean pocket. The green duck does a double take as his nephew does this._

**Plucky:** (Shocked) HEY! What the-?! Whadda ya doin’?!

 **Yucky:** (Annoyed) What’s it look like? I’m sneakin’ into this show by stowin’ away in yer pocket!

**Plucky** _angrily fishes in his pocket._

**Plucky:** (Frustrated) GET OUTTA THERE!

_We hear a crunching noise._ **Plucky** _stares at the camera for a beat before screaming in pain._

**Plucky:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!

_He withdraws his hand from his pocket, revealing that it’s caught in a bear trap. Angrily, he wrenches it off, ripping off his flesh and feathers in the process. All that’s left is his skeletal hand._

**Usher:** (Offscreen, uninterested) D’ya have a ticket or d’ya have enough ta buy one?

_The camera zooms out to reveal the_ **Usher** _standing next to_ **Plucky** _with an outstretched hand. Putting his flesh and feathers back on his hand as if it’s a glove,_ **Plucky** _grumpily takes out a fistful of dollars. After a beat, he also pulls_ **Yucky** _out of his pocket as well._

**Plucky:** (Flatly, to **Usher** ) This brat’s tryin’ ta sneak in without paying.

 **Yucky:** (Outraged) Unc!

 **Usher:** (Uninterested, to **Yucky** ) Sorry, kid. No money, no show. Now, get out.

**Yucky** _breaks free of_ **Plucky’s** _grip and jumps down to the floor._

**Yucky:** (To **Usher** ) You can’t tell me what ta do!

 **Plucky:** (Irritated, to **Yucky** ) Ya didn’t even wanna see this show in the first place!

 **Yucky:** (To **Plucky** ) I don’t care! Nobody tells me what ta do!

 **Usher:** (Uninterested, to **Yucky** ) Please leave the theatre, you broken record.

 **Yucky:** (Arrogantly) Nuh-uh! I’m gonna sit through this waste of time an’ money an’ NO-ONE’S gonna stop me! (Combatively) DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA!! DUCKY-DOO-DOO!!

_He stamps on the_ **Usher’s** _foot, before running offscreen. The_ **Usher** _clutches his foot and glares after the bratty duckling._

**Usher:** (Lividly) GET BACK HERE!

_He rushes off in hot pursuit. He hasn’t taken_ **Plucky’s** _money. He nonchalantly puts it back into his pocket._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) Things seem ta be lookin’ up! I lose that sap an’ I don’t throw my money away! If I’m lucky, I might actually run into the Porkster an’ the La Fume Fatale!

**Spittoon** _dominates the screen once more. He is now dressed up like a Frenchman._

**Spittoon:** (Singing) Do you hear the people sing? Singing a song of angry men! It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again!

_He randomly malfunctions. Sparks fly from his body for a few seconds before he speaks once more._

**Spittoon:** (Dramatically) Certainly most movie executives were making love to the starlets. But then, so were most of us actors.

_We cut to one of the corridors in the theatre._ **Yucky** _sprints down it, with the_ **Usher** _at his heels. We see the doors of the dressing rooms. One of them has green musk wafting from the gap under it. As the duckling rushes past, he sniffs the air and retches._

**Yucky:** (Gags) If the actors are anything ta go by, this show’s gonna stink!

_The camera pans over to the_ **Usher** _as he pounds after_ **Yucky** _. All of a sudden, he screeches to a halt. It appears that the duckling has vanished._

**Usher:** (Confused) Where’d he go?

_A sandbag suddenly falls on him with a FLUMP! The camera slowly pans along to reveal_ **Yucky** _standing next to a cut rope._

**Yucky:** (Triumphantly) DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA! DUCKY-DOO-DOO!

_He zips away, laughing obnoxiously._

**Usher:** (Groans) Could that kid get any more detestable?

 **???:** (Offscreen) Ten minutes to curtain time, I repeat, ten minutes to curtain time!

_We fade to the enormous auditorium. The sound of chatter can be heard accompanied by the various noises from the orchestra as they tune up their instruments._ **Plucky** _,_ **Skippy** _and_ **Spittoon** _make their way to their seats in the stalls._ **Plucky** _feels particularly happy that_ **Yucky** _isn’t around. They sit down. In the background, we can see_ **Uncle Stinky** _holding some opera glasses._

**Skippy:** (To **Plucky** ) Green Daffy?

 **Plucky:** (Beat, annoyed to **Skippy** ) Yes?

 **Skippy:** (Shyly) I gotta go to the bathroom…

 **Plucky** _looks at the camera with irritation. Then, he looks at_ **Skippy** _._

 **Plucky:** (Annoyed) Why didn’t ya go when we were in the foyer?!

 **Skippy:** (Tearfully) Please don’t shout at me. It damages my self esteem and the thought of it makes me… (Bawls) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH-HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA!! WAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAA!!

**Plucky** _holds his ears, and the theatregoers all turn to glare at them. He grins with embarrassment._

**Plucky:** (Through gritted teeth, to **Skippy** ) You’re embarrassing me… (Screams) SHADDAP!!

_His demand echoes throughout the auditorium, causing everyone to stop talking and stare at the group. Although_ **Skippy** _has stopped crying,_ **Plucky** _grins sheepishly in order to save face for a few seconds before mopping his brow._

**Plucky:** (Chuckles nervously) Nice acoustics, huh?

 **Skippy:** (Tearfully) Y-You shouted…

 **Plucky:** (Threateningly) Don’t start. (Beat) Wait a minute… (To **Skippy** ) How come you can speak normally instead of all that rapping?

 **Skippy:** (Casually) Montana Max said that modern lingo wouldn’t age well, so he gave my personality an overhaul.

 **Plucky:** (Rolling his eyes) Typical… (To **Skippy** ) The next time ya talk ta Monty, tell him that I want outta this sh-

 **Spittoon:** Silence, Green Daffy. The show is about to begin.

_The lights are slowly beginning to dim, which causes the faint chattering to die down._ **Plucky** _gazes at the camera in frustration at being interrupted and slumps down in his seat._

**Plucky:** (Grumpily) Let’s get this over with.

_The orchestra begins to play the overture as the huge red curtains slowly part._ **Plucky** _takes a pillow out from his shirt and fluffs it several times before placing it behind his head. He begins to drift off to sleep._

**# I Whistle a Happy Tune – Instrumental**

_The camera cuts to the stage, where_ **Fifi** _enters from stage left. She is dressed up as the governess,_ **Anna Leonowens** _, with her hair in a ponytail and wearing a dress with a huge skirt. We pan over to_ **Plucky** _. His eyes snap open and he does a double take in shock._

**Plucky:** (Dumbfounded) FIFI?!

 **Theatregoers:** (Furiously, to **Plucky** ) SSSSSHHH!

**Fifi** _, who was about to sing, looks around as she hears a familiar voice shout her name. Remembering her cue, she begins to perform._

**Fifi:** (Sings) Whenever ah feel afraid, ah hold my head erect. Et whistle un happy tune, so no-one will suspect…zat I’m afraid.

 **Plucky:** (Thinking) What’s she doing here?! (Beat) Wait a minute. If she’s here, Hamton must be too! (Ecstatic) They can help me get away from these losers!

_He stands up in his seat and cups his hands over his bill._

**Fifi:** (Sings) While shivering in my shoes, ah strike a careless pose. Et whistle un happy tune, et no-one ever knows…zat I’m afraid.

 **Plucky:** (Bellows) FIFI!! HEY, FEEF! IT’S ME!! PLUCKY!!

**Fifi** _stops singing and looks out at the audience as the familiar voice shouts her name once more. The other cast members give her a warning glance and she continues to sing._

**Fifi:** (Sings) Ze result of zis deception, eez very strange to tell.  For when ah fool ze people, ah feel ah fool myself as well.

**Plucky** _is about to try to gain her attention once more when_ **Spittoon** _seizes him by the neck and forces him back down on his chair._

**Fifi:** (Sings) Ah whistle a happy tune, et every single time. Ze happiness in ze tune convinces moi zat ah am not afraid.

 **Plucky:** (Irritated, to the camera) I gotta get her attention somehow… (Shocked) What the…?!

_The camera cuts to the stage, where_ **Yucky** _can be peering out from the wings._

**Fifi:** (Sings) Make believe you’re brave, et ze trick will take you far. You may be as brave, as you make believe you… (Squeals) OH!!

_The audience gasps as_ **Yucky** _peers out from under_ **Fifi’s** _skirt. He waves at the people watching whilst pulling funny faces._ **Fifi** _glowers and kicks the duckling up the bottom, propelling him off the stage. Clearing her throat, she carries on._

**Fifi:** (Sings) You may be as brave…as you believe you are!

**Yucky** _crashes head first into an empty seat beside_ **Plucky** _. After a beat, he picks himself up._ **Plucky** _immediately grabs him by his shirt._

**Plucky:** (Demanding) How did ya get on the stage?

 **Yucky:** (Indifferently) Through hard work, perseverance and blackmail.

 **Plucky:** (Furiously) This is serious! How did ya get up there?!

 **Yucky:** (Scoffs) Ya wanna leave? Surprisingly, I don’t blame ya.

_He turns his attention to the stage and shouts at the top of her voice._

**Yucky:** (Bellows) HEY, LADY!! YER SINGING STINKS WORSE THAN YOU!!

 **Fifi:** (Sings) While shivering in my shoes, ah strike…

_She squints out at the audience._ **Yucky** _is holding a sign which has an arrow pointing at_ **Plucky** _. She turns red with fury upon recognising the green duck and looks as if she’s about to jump into the stalls when the other cast members glare at her. Taking a deep breath, she continues to sing._

**Fifi:** (Sings) …a careless pose. Et whistle a happy tune, et no-one ever knows zat I’m afraid.

_The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _and_ **Yucky** _as the_ **Usher** _seizes them by the neck. We then cut to the foyer as the two ducks fly out of the auditorium._ **Plucky** _quickly gets to his feet and races back to the door, reaching it just as it closes._

**Plucky:** (To **Yucky** ) I gotta get back in there!

 **Yucky:** (With spirit) So do I! No jerk tells me what ta do!

 **Plucky:** (To himself) My friends are in there…

 **Yucky:** (Confused) That crybaby squirrel an’ the robot?

 **Plucky:** (Vehemently) My REAL friends!

_He paces around madly._

**Plucky:** (Frenzied) I gotta say sorry to ‘em… Then, everything will be okay… We’ll be back together…I can ditch these losers an’ go find Shirl…

 **Yucky:** (Indifferently) I’ll just get back in the way I got in. I wanna sock that usher for givin’ me orders! (To **Plucky** ) Who’s Shirl, anyway?

 **Plucky:** (Snappily, to **Yucky** ) Mind yer own business!

_All of a sudden, the door to the auditorium opens and the_ **Usher** _walks out, closing the door behind him. He turns around and his face contorts into a scowl as he notices_ **Plucky** _and_ **Yucky** _._

**Usher:** (Outraged) Why’re you morons still here?!

**Plucky** _gets down on his knees before the_ **Usher** _, his eyes glazed with tears._

**Plucky:** (Pleading, to **Usher** ) C’mon, pal, ya gotta let me back in there! My friends are in that show!

 **Usher:** (Furiously) You’re ruining it for everyone else! Now, get out!

 **Plucky:** (Flatly) Can I at least have my money back?

 **Usher:** (Apathetically) Sure.

_He fishes in his pockets for a beat before he stops what he’s doing. The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _as the_ **Usher** _lividly stares him down._

**Usher:** (Angrily, to **Plucky** ) Wait a minute… You never paid for a ticket!

 **Plucky:** (To **Yucky** ) RUN!!

_The two waterfowl rush offscreen under the_ **Usher’s** _legs. The_ **Usher** _looks dejectedly at the camera._

**Usher:** (Moodily) They don’t pay me enough for this.

_We fade back to the auditorium._ **Spittoon** _is sat with_ **Skippy** _. Although we can’t see his emotions (he is a robot) he seems very enthralled with the show._

**Spittoon:** (To **Skippy** ) I’ve always found it intriguing how time moves on in an episode when it’s not focusing on you. It felt like a scene ago since the show began and now Anna has not only met the King of Siam but…

_He randomly malfunctions. Sparks fly from his body for a few seconds before he speaks once more._

**Spittoon:** (Dramatically) God put me on this earth to raise sheer…

_He is interrupted as the orchestra plays another song._

**# Shall We Dance? – Instrumental**

_The camera cuts to the stage._ **Fifi** _is stood with_ **Hamton** _, who is dressed as_ **The King of Siam** _in red and gold._

**Fifi:** (Sings) We’ve just been introduced, ah do not know you well. But when ze music started, something drew me to your side. So many men et girls are in each other’s arms. It made moi think we might be similarly occupied.

_As_ **Hamton** _regards her with his back to her, she continues to sing._

**Fifi:** (Sings) Shall we dance? On a bright cloud of music, shall we fly? Shall we dance? Shall we then say goodnight et mean goodbye? Or perchance, when ze last petit star has left ze sky… Shall we still be together with our arms around each other, et shall you be my new romance? On ze clear understanding zat zis kind of thing can happen, shall we dance? Shall we dance? Shall we dance?

**Hamton** _sits on a cot and watches as_ **Fifi** _waltzes around on the stage, holding her billowing skirt up with one hand as she does so._ **Plucky** _and_ **Yucky** _run past in the background, with the_ **Usher** _on their tail._ **Fifi** _abruptly notices them and halts._ **Hamton** _stands up on the cot._

**Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) Why did you stop? It was pretty, go on, go on, go on!

**Fifi** _is still looking at the spot where she saw the two ducks. Prompted by_ **Hamton** _, she says her lines._

**Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Oh, your majesty, ah did not realise. After all, ah am not un dancing girl. In England, no woman would dance alone while ze man eez looking…

**Hamton** _steps down from the cot._ **Yucky** _can be seen dancing in the background, before the_ **Usher** _chases him away._

**Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) But you will dance with a strange man, holding hands…

 **Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Not always un strange man… Usually un trés good friend.

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) Good. Then, we will do it together. You show me. Teach, teach, teach!

_He reaches out for her hands._ **Fifi** _takes them. From the right wings,_ **Plucky** _peers out and sees them together. Overjoyed, he tries to run up to them, but the_ **Usher** _grabs him by the throat and pulls him back._

**Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Well, eet’s quite simple, ze polka. You count: “one, two, three” and “one, two, three” and “one, two, three” and…

_Letting go of his hands, she continues to waltz, whilst_ **Hamton** _studies her every move._

**Fifi:** (Sings) Shall we dance?

 **Hamton:** “One, two, three” and…

 **Fifi:** (Sings) On a bright cloud of music, shall we fly?

**Hamton** _tries to imitate_ **Fifi** _by doing a jig._ **Yucky** _moonwalks past in the background._

**Hamton:** “One, two, three” and…

 **Fifi:** (Sings) Shall we dance?

 **Hamton:** “One, two, three” and…

 **Fifi:** (Sings) Shall we then say goodnight et mean goodbye?

 **Hamton:** “One, two, three” and…

 **H &F: **(Sing) Or perchance…

 **Hamton:** (Sings) When the last little star has left the sky…

 **Fifi:** (Sings) Shall we still be together with our arms around each other, et shall you be my new…

 **Hamton:** (Sings) Romance?

 **Fifi:** (Sings) On ze clear understanding zat zis kind of thing can happen…

_They both advance towards each other as they sing together._

**H &F: **(Sing) Shall we dance? Shall we dance? Shall we dance?

_Upon reaching each other, they take hands and prepare to dance the polka._ **Plucky** _leaps out from the wings._

**Plucky:** (Shouts) HAMTON!!

**Hamton’s** _ears prick up. He looks around, but then after a stern glance from_ **Fifi** _, he prepares to dance._

**Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Now…

_They begin to dance…or wave their arms around._ **Yucky** _peers out from the wings, blowing a raspberry._

**H &F: **One, two, three and one, two three and… one, two…

_They begin to lose their synchronisation until_ **Hamton** _stops the dance. He has a look of bemusement on his face._

**Hamton:** (To the camera) Something wrong. (To **Fifi** ) I know! I forget dance! Next time, I remember.

_They begin to bounce around the stage, holding hands as they perform the polka dance._

**H &F: **One, two, three and one, two, three and one, two…

 **Fifi:** (Jovially) Oh, splendid, splendid, your majesty!

 **Hamton:** (Happily) Splendid! Splendid!

_They stop dancing._

**Hamton:** (Exasperated, to **Fifi** ) You throw me off count! And…

_They continue dancing._

**H &F: **One, two, three and one, two, three, and…

**Yucky** _falls down from the ceiling with a rope around his neck. The orchestra stops playing,_ **Fifi** _gives a shriek of horror and the audience gasps in terror._ **Yucky** _opens one eye and grins smugly._

**Yucky:** (To the audience) Just kidding!

_He is abruptly yanked upwards and_ **Plucky** _falls onto the stage on the other side. He is holding onto the rope. Upon recognising the green duck,_ **Fifi** _angrily grabs_ **Hamton’s** _hand, forces it onto her waist and the orchestra strikes up once more as they dance away from_ **Plucky** _._

**Plucky:** (Desperately) HAMTON! FIFI! WAIT UP!!

_Before he can even let go of the rope to move, he is yanked upwards once more._ **Yucky** _comes back down with his part of the rope tied to one of the sandbags. It’s about to land on_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _. By chance, the pig looks up and sees it falling towards them. In shock, he pushes his skunkette out of the way before leaping away himself. The sandbag crashes down onto the stage, missing them by inches!_

**Yucky:** (To the audience) Whadda ya know? I nearly brought the house down!

**Fifi** _angrily gets to her feet and storms up to the smug little duckling with the intentions of cold-blooded murder._

**Fifi:** (Enraged, to **Yucky** ) Vous imp! Ah shall, how-you-say, give vous what for!

 **Yucky:** (To the audience) Breaking character! She’s breaking character! (To **Fifi** ) Get away from me, you’ve got cooties!

**Hamton** _suddenly seizes him by the scruff of the neck and marches up to centre stage with_ **Yucky** _squirming to get free._

**Yucky:** (Angrily, to **Hamton** ) Leggo of me, Tubby!

 **Hamton:** (To the audience) Whose kid is this?!

_The camera cuts to the audience. Every member, except_ **Skippy** _and_ **Spittoon** _, point at someone offscreen._

**Audience:** (Deadpan) His.

**Plucky** _rushes onto the stage and does a double take at the sight of everybody pointing at him._ **Fifi** _storms up to him._

**Fifi:** (Vehemently, to **Plucky** ) Why does eet not surprise moi zat zis…zis INSOLENT gosse belongs to vous?!

 **Yucky:** (Indignantly, to **Fifi** ) I’m a duckling!

 **Hamton:** (Threateningly, to **Yucky** ) Be quiet!

 **Plucky:** (Frantically) Now, listen up, Feef, it’s not what ya think!

 **Fifi:** (Angrily, to **Plucky** ) Ah thought zat Shirley was acting like un baby about ze circus, mais now ah can understand exactly why she felt zat way! Forcing us to play ze musique et dismissing our circus acts was one thing, mais when Hammy et moi get ze chance to perform dans un theatre et finally find un idea pour un spinoff, vous ‘ave to ruin eet pour us! WE WILL LOSE OUR JOBS BECAUSE OF VOUS!!

 **Plucky:** (Desperately) Fifi! I’m sorry!

 **Hamton:** (Heatedly, to **Plucky** ) Oh, you’re sorry!

**Hamton** _throws_ **Yucky** _offscreen like a javelin and stomps over to_ **Plucky** _. The green duck’s pupils shrink in horror._

**Plucky:** (Nervously, to **Hamton** ) N-Now, listen to me…

 **Hamton:** (Lividly, to **Plucky** ) No. For once in your self-centred life, you’re going to listen ta ME! Fifi helped me ta see you for who you really are: a cowardly, pathetic, insecure little child. You just can’t get over yer petulant obsession with bein’ better than rabbits. If you couldn’t have the spotlight then no-one could! You had friends. You took them for granted, an’ now you’re all alone…and NO amount of shallow, false apologies will bring us back.

 **Plucky:** (Voice breaking) Hamton…

 **Hamton:** (Interrupting, bitterly) At least Professor Daffy will be proud of you. You’re just as despicable as he is. Now, get out of my life.

_The pig turns on his heel and stalks offstage._ **Fifi** _savagely slaps_ **Plucky** _across the cheek before following her boyfriend.  The_ **Usher** _walks up behind the green duck and seizes him by the throat._

**Usher:** (Triumphantly) Gotcha!

_We cut to the entrance of the theatre. There is a loud WHACK!_ **Plucky** _flies out of the building and splashes into a puddle near the street gutter. After a beat, he is joined by_ **Yucky** _,_ **Skippy** _and_ **Spittoon** _._

**Spittoon:** (Bemoaning) Expelled from the theatre. Oh, the shame of it!

**Yucky** _jumps to his feet and storms up to his uncle._

**Yucky:** (Demanding, to **Plucky** ) What the heck was THAT all about?! You know that pig an’ skunk?!

**Plucky** _doesn’t answer this question for a good while. After a beat, he speaks. He is holding back tears._

**Plucky:** (Sniffs) They were my friends… I used ta hang out with ‘em. Before I made the deal with Monty, we fell out. They walked out on me, and it was all my fault they did. This was my only chance to apologise…

 **Yucky:** (Indifferently) Who needs some overweight doofus an’ some cootie farm who smells like a blocked toilet, anyway? You’ve got us!

_The camera cuts to_ **Yucky** _,_ **Skippy** _and_ **Spittoon** _, before cutting back to_ **Plucky** _._ **Yahoo** _suddenly teleports by his head._

**Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) Don’t forget me, Dum-Dum!

**Plucky** _suddenly bursts into tears, howling with anguish. We hear a rumble of thunder and the rain begins to fall._

**Not a Million Miles Away…**

_We fade to the_ **Spring Breakers Motel** _, a run-down shack of a building which looks all the more gloomy in the pouring rain. The camera fades to one of the rooms. There is mold on the wall and rainwater is coming in from a hole in the ceiling._ **Shirley** _and_ **Randy** _enter._

**Randy:** (Regarding the room) Hardly a honeymoon suite, is it?

 **Shirley:** (Grumpily) Like, tough luck, or some junk. This was all I could afford after this stupid makeover.

 **Randy:** (Indifferently) How much was it?

 **Shirley:** (Bluntly) Free. (Sighs) We’re only stayin’ for one night anyway.

 **Randy:** (Cheerfully) I suppose that’s alright.

**Shirley** _tries fruitlessly to pull off her skin-tight shirt. Because of her cleavage, it’s stuck fast._ **Randy’s** _horns stand up like television aerials once more._

**Randy:** (Thinking) This reminds me of that film I bought in college…

 **Shirley:** (Frustrated) Like, for Clampett’s sake! I can’t get this thing off!

 **Randy:** (Abruptly) Let me help you, Ms. Loon!

_Slightly taken aback by this offer,_ **Shirley** _looks at_ **Randy** _in surprise._

**Shirley:** (Bemused) Like, yer a mondo helpful herbivore, aren’t ya? Yer a massive improvement over Pl-ucky, at least.

 **Randy:** (Chivalrous) Well, you see, Ms. Loon…

**# I’d Do Anything - Instrumental**

**Randy:** (Sings) I’d do anything for you, dear, anything, for you mean everything to me.

 **Shirley:** (Perplexed) Why are you singing?

 **Randy:** (Sings) I’d go anywhere, for your smile, anywhere, for your smile, everywhere, I’d see!

**Shirley** _shrugs her shoulders at the camera before turning to_ **Randy** _._

**Shirley:** (Sings) Would ya climb a hill?

 **Randy:** Anything!

 **Shirley:** (Sings) Wear a daffodil?

 **Randy:** Anything!

 **Shirley:** (Sings) Leave me all yer will?

 **Randy:** Anything!

 **Shirley:** (Sings) Even fight my Bill?

 **Randy:** (Confused) Who’s Bill? (Sings) I’d risk everything, for one kiss, everything. Yes, I’d do anything!

 **Shirley:** Anything?

 **Randy:** (Sings) Anything for you!

 **Shirley:** (Pleasantly) Groovy. Then… (Hotly) GET THIS THING OFF ME!!

**Randy** _stops singing and looks sheepishly down at_ **Shirley’s** _concealed globes. The loon irritably forces him to look her in the eyes._

**Randy:** (Nervously) My apologies, Ms. Loon. I got a bit carried away.

_He regards the skin-tight clothing._

**Randy:** (Musing) If we can’t get your clothes off by force, we’ll have to cut you out.

 **Shirley:** (Indifferently) Fine, just get it off. I can’t stand this Pink Lady attire. It reminds me of Pl-ucky.

 **Randy:** (Looking around) D’ya have anything sharp ta cut through the leather?

 **Shirley:** (Suggesting) Use yer horns. They’ve been all pointy since we set off, or some junk.

 **Randy:** (Shocked) M-My horns?! (Shaking his head) Oh, no, no, no, Ms. Loon, these horns are only used for defence an’ for playing at ceremonies.

_Despite the shock in his tone of voice, he doesn’t seem all that willing to refuse._

**Randy:** (With false reluctance) If you insist…

 _As_ **Shirley** _stands still with her legs parted and her arms outstretched,_ **Randy** _lowers his head and penetrates the material with his right horn._  

 **Shirley:** (Shocked) Like, what was that?! 

 **Randy:** (Gasps) That was me! 

_He slowly moves his horn upwards, creating a line which exposes the loon’s feathers slightly as he rips it._

**Randy:** (Gasps) Oh, my gosh…

_His breathing becomes heavy as he carries on tearing gashes in the black leather. He pants with excitement as he exposes more and more feathers. The camera pans up to_ **Shirley** _, who has a raised eyebrow. Slowly, but surely, she is able to remove the clothing as the ram has torn and loosened it. At last, she rips it off. We abruptly cut to_ **Randy** _, who is sweating and panting like a dog._

**Shirley:** (Offscreen) At last! I’m totally free! (Beat) An’ I got a rash. (Sarcastically) Cosmic.

**Randy** _faints, hitting the floor like a brick._

**Shirley:** (Offscreen, aghast) Like, are you okay?!

 **Randy:** (Groggily, breathlessly) It’s that bribing case all over again! (Snapping out of it) What?!

 **Shirley:** (Offscreen, concerned) Y-You were pantin’ an’ breathin’ mondo hard!

 **Randy:** (Backpedalling) I have, uh… Asthma!

 **Shirley:** (Offscreen, horrified) Oh, sweet mother of Mama Cass! We gotta get ya help!

**Randy** _suddenly gets up, looking rather stressed._

**Randy:** (Nervously) No need, there’ll be an inhaler in the bathroom!

_He darts offscreen and we hear the sound of a door slamming. There is a long beat before_ **Randy** _speaks again._

**Randy:** (Offscreen, nervously) Ms. Loon?

 **Shirley:** (Offscreen, concerned) Like, what is it, darlin’?

 **Randy:** (Offscreen, nervously) Do we have any tissues?

 **Shirley:** (Offscreen) Randy, are you okay? Ya want me ta come in?

 **Randy:** (Offscreen, horrified) NO!! (Hurriedly) Er, I mean… my asthma’s gone, but I...sneezed! And I need some tissues!

 **Shirley:** (Offscreen) Like, Randy, I can’t just go out, I’m totally naked here!

 **Randy:** (Offscreen, moans) Ohh! (Clears his throat) There’s a dressing gown you can wear!

 **Shirley:** (Offscreen) Groovy! I’ll come in an’ get it!

 **Randy:** (Offscreen) NO! I’ll bring it out for you!

 

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**CREDITS**

Written by: **Redtop95**

 

**Songs:**

**When I was a Lad** From **HMS Pinafore** , written by **Gilbert and Sullivan**

 **It’s the Hard-Knock Life** From **Annie** , written by **Charles Strouse**

 **Do You hear the People Sing?** From **Les Miserables** , written by **Claude-Michel Schonberg**

 **I Whistle a Happy Tune** and **Shall We Dance?** From **The King and I** , written by **Rogers and Hammerstein**

 **I’d Do Anything** From **Oliver!** Written by **Lionel Bart**


	10. Environ-Mental

_The camera roves through the swampy and murky marshes of the_ **Everglades** _. We can hear crickets chirping and the sounds of tiny bells jingling. Suddenly, what seems like thousands of tiny, different coloured lights fly around the screen, accompanied by an orchestral rendition of_ **Swan Lake** _. The camera zooms in to reveal that the bright lights are actually tiny fairies which resemble_ **Tinkerbell** _from the movie_ **Hook** _._

_Abruptly, we hear the whirring roar, and all of the fairies are sucked into a vacuum cleaner which is being held by an_ **Unseen Figure** _._

**Unseen Figure:** (Grumbling) Darn mosquitoes…

_The camera pans over to a steel barrel being tipped into the mud and then we cut to a sign being hammered into the ground which reads:_ **“THE EARL OF OIL: OIL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL. OPENING SOON”**

 

**THE PLUCKY & YUCKY DUCKLING HOUR**

 

**Episode 10:**

**Environ-Mental**

 

**Yucky** _walks through a forest. He is wearing a red and blue scout’s attire._

**Yucky:** (Happily) Gee-whizz! It sure is great ta be in the great outdoors! I’ll earn my camping badge in no time an’ be better than all the Mallard Moron scouts!

**Skippy** _skips alongside him. He is wearing an orange and yellow scout’s attire._ **Yucky** _looks annoyed at the young squirrel._

**Skippy:** (Happily) Gee-whizz! It sure is great ta be in the great outdoors! I’ll earn my camping badge in no time an’ be better than all the Squirrel Scouts!

**Yucky** _takes out a copy of his script and shoves it in_ **Skippy’s** _face._

**Yucky:** (Irritated, to **Skippy** ) Whadda ya think yer doin’? I say that part! And the Mallard Morons are better than the Squirrel Scouts!

 **Skippy:** (Outraged) Are not!

 **Yucky:** (Snidely) Are too!

 **Skippy:** (Outraged) Are not!

 **Yucky:** (Snidely) Are too!

**Skippy** _shoves_ **Yucky** _back angrily._

**Skippy:** (Lividly) ARE NOT!

**Yucky** _turns red in the face and jumps on_ **Skippy** _. They vanish into a dust cloud of flying fists and feet. The sounds of punching and kicking can be heard for a few minutes before the dust cloud clears._ **Yucky** _dusts his hands in triumph, while_ **Skippy** _sits on the ground, sniffling. After a pause, the squirrel bursts into tears._

**Skippy:** (Bawling) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH-HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA!! WAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAA!!

_A disgruntled_ **Plucky** _walks into the scene, burdened with two backpacks which we assume belong to the squirrel and duckling. He is followed closely by_ **Spittoon** _._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) Give me strength… (To **Skippy** ) What happened?

 **Skippy:** (Tearfully, pointing at **Yucky** ) He hit me.

 **Yucky:** (Defensively) I was defending the integrity of the Mallard Morons! (Dismissively) Besides, his tears’ll be good for the plants.

 **Spittoon:** (To **Yucky** ) That is incorrect. Tears which are secreted due to emotional stress contain the protein-based hormones: prolactin…

_He randomly malfunctions. Sparks fly from his body for a few seconds before he speaks again._

**Spittoon:** (Dramatically) It was during the Depression, my father was a miner.

 **Plucky:** (To the camera, deadpan) Great. I’m stuck with a brat, a crybaby and an educational robot. How could this get any worse?

 **Yucky:** (Offscreen, annoyed) Let’s get this environmental special over with!

**Plucky** _facepalms._

**Spittoon:** Zwounds! Look at how polluted this forest is!

_He randomly malfunctions. Sparks fly from his body for a few seconds before he speaks again._

**Spittoon:** (Dramatically) As man had succumbed to the Martians, so our land now succumbed to the Red Weed.

_The camera pans out to reveal… an idyllic forest with cute little animals prancing around._ **Plucky** _tries to find the pollution in the area._

**Yucky:** (Dispassionately) I’d sure like ta rock an’ sock the jerks who polluted this place.

_He takes out a video game console and tries to find somewhere to plug it in._

**Skippy:** (Sniffles) Every time somebody pollutes, I just… just… (Bawling) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH-HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA!! WAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAA!!

**Plucky** _covers his ears and, once he’s sure that no-one is looking, he sneaks offscreen. The camera cuts to him walking through the forest, angrily discarding the two backpacks he was carrying._

**Plucky:** (Narrating) Spinoff Log: Entry 8. Just when I thought I’d hit Rock Bottom, I’m doin’ the lowest of the low in entertainment: the preachy episode. It’s the ‘Evils of Alcohol’ fiasco from last year all over again…

_He sits down on a log._

**Plucky:** (Narrating) Yesterday, I had what was probably my only chance ta make amends to Hamton and Fifi...and that arrogant, snotty little brat who says he’s a relative of mine messed it all up! (Sighs) At least I was able ta see them one last time. Even though they chewed me out in front of everyone. It could’ve been worse. It could’ve been Shirley.

**Yahoo** _teleports beside the duck’s head._

**Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) Hello, disheartened Dum-Dum!

 **Plucky:** (Grumpily) Take a hike, Wazoo.

 **Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) It’s Yahoo, Dum-Dum. Why, may I ask, are you sat here?

 **Plucky:** (Sadly) I’m thinking about how just plain awful it is ta be me.

 **Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) Can’t say I blame you.

**Plucky** _jumps to his feet and angrily swipes at_ **Yahoo** _. The blue alien flies a few inches back in shock._

**Plucky:** (Irritated) Get outta here! D’ you have any idea how annoying you are?! All ya do is pop up an’ kick me when I’m down. Go back to whatever rock in space ya came from!

 **Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) How many times must I tell you, Dum-Dum? I can’t return to my planet until I make a report on two ducks breeding. Specifically, you have to find a female member of your species.

**Plucky** _throws his hands in the air in frustration. They fall down and land on his head._

**Plucky:** (Angrily sarcastic) Great! Just amazing! You’re gonna be followin’ me around FOREVER!

_All of a sudden, he stops his ranting as we hear some familiar singing in the distance._

**Group:** (Offscreen, singing) Monday, Monday...so good to me. Monday, Monday, it was all I hoped it would be…

 **Yahoo:** (Puzzled) I thought this Monty everyone keeps talking about had already touched upon the idea of a musical episode.

 **Plucky:** (Thinking) Wait a minute… hippy songs… out here… Could it be?

_He rushes offscreen._ **Yahoo** _watches him go, knocked for six. We cut to_ **Plucky** _sprinting through the forest and trying to listen out for the distant singing, shoving branches and bushes out of his way. After a few seconds, he bursts out of the foliage and his eyes widen in awe._

_We cut to a huge clearing. The trees have been adorned with blankets which have psychedelic colours. There are signs which read_ **“Summer of ‘69”** _or_ **“Yellow Submarine”** _and_ **“The Queen is a lizard!”** _The bus which had passed by on the highway has been driven into a tree and the legs of a deer can be seen underneath it. Near the battered vehicle is a camp fire, where the people around it are singing._

 **Plucky:** (Thinking) It’s them!

 **Group:** (Singing) Every other day, every other day, every other day of the week is fine, yeah! But whenever Monday comes, but whenever Monday comes, you can find me crying all of the time!

**Plucky’s** _eyes scan the crowd of brightly coloured people as they sing and clap their hands. Finally, they zoom in on the_ **Female Duck** _that had caught his eye whilst they were hitchhiking. She is beating a tambourine as she sings along, her long black hair waving from her excited dancing. The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _as his eyes turn into love hearts._

_He slowly walks towards them and steps on a twig, breaking it under his foot. The group stops singing, and everyone wheels round on_ **Plucky** _. The green duck swallows what feels like an anvil as the group seems rather hostile._

**Plucky:** (Nervously) Uh, far-out?

 **Hippy:** (Angrily) Dude, it’s someone who’s not one of us!

_All of the people sat around the campfire brandish maces, pitchforks and machetes and charge towards_ **Plucky** _. He does a double take in horror before pulling out his sitar and strumming a few notes. All of the_ **Hippies** _stop in their tracks upon hearing it._

**Hippy:** (Mellow) Dude, he’s one of us!

_They all come forward to shake his hand and one of them puts a necklace of flowers around his neck._ **Plucky** _breathes a sigh of relief, before sniffing the flowers and sneezing. An_ **Emu** _, who is dressed up like_ **Sonny Bono** _, walks up to him._

**Emu:** (Mellow, to **Plucky** ) Duuuude, join our cause.

 **Plucky:** (Nervously) Uh, what cause is that?

 **Emu:** (Mellow, to **Plucky** ) We dunno, man. We’re waiting for one ta happen.

_He puts an arm around_ **Plucky’s** _shoulder. While the green duck isn’t looking, the_ **Emu** _fishes in the pocket of his blue jeans and takes his wallet._

**Emu:** (Mellow, to **Plucky** ) Come and join the campfire of the Strawberry Fields.

**Plucky** _allows the_ **Emu** _to lead him over to the rest of the group, and his eyes light up as he sees an empty space next to the_ **Female Duck** _. Shoving the_ **Emu** _away, he rushes up and sits down next to her._

**Plucky:** (To **Female Duck** , flirtatiously) So, d’ya come here often?

 **Female Duck:** (To **Plucky** ) Ssh. Our leader is about to speak.

_The_ **Leader** _, a flamingo whose attire makes him slightly resemble_ **John Lennon** _, stands up. He raises his fist._

**Leader:** (Rallying) What do we want?!

 **Group:** (Shouting) We don’t know!

 **Leader:** (Rallying) When do we want it?!

 **Group:** (Shouting) In a few year’s time!

**Plucky** _freezes in shock. The_ **Female Duck** _, who was indulging in the chanting, notices this and looks at him with concern._

**Plucky:** (Thinking) This sounds eerily familiar.

 **Leader:** (Rallying) Buttered toast and strawberry jam!

 **Group:** (Shouting) Don’t attack Vietnam!

 **Emu:** (Pointing at **Plucky** ) Whoa, dudes. The new dude ain’t chanting.

**Plucky** _gulps as the rest of the group stop chanting and stare him down. The_ **Leader** _lowers his rose-tinted glasses, revealing dilated pupils._

**Leader:** (To **Plucky** ) Tell me, fowl whose colour of feathers resembles bad catarrh, why do you not join us in our daily chanting?

 **Plucky:** (Nervously) D-Don’t ya wanna break the ice first? Y’know, know my name?

 **Leader:** (To the group) Shall we introduce ourselves to our fellow hippy?

 _There are several mumblings of_ “Yeah, I guess” _and_ “Have they landed yet?” _The_ **Leader** _then speaks once more._

 **Leader:** (To **Plucky** ) I am the leader of this peaceful group and known as Ron Lemon, but most non-hippies call me: “Take a bath!” or “Get a job!”

 **Emu:** (To **Plucky** ) Dude, I forgot who I was ever since I was indoctrinated.

 **Elephant:** (To **Plucky** ) I like sugar.

 **Female Ostrich:** (To **Plucky** ) I’m in it for the fashion.

 **Tortoise:** (Jarred awake) Wha-?

 **Weasel:** (Terrified) Help me...

 **Female Duck:** (Passionately, to **Plucky** ) And I’m Cypress Duck, and I believe that the world can be a better place if we all just get along and leave nature alone!

 **Emu:** (Beat) Weirdo...

 **Plucky:** (Flirtatiously, to **Cypress** ) So, your name’s Cypress? What’s your middle name? Crete?

 **Cypress** **:** (Cheerfully) Actually, it’s Weed.

 **Plucky:** (Dumbfounded) Weed?!

 **Elephant:** (Excitedly) Is it time?!

 **Ron:** (Placidly, to **Plucky** ) We’ve told you our names, gawky fowl, now you enlighten us with yours.

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled, to **Ron** ) My what now?

 **Cypress** **:** (To **Plucky** ) Tell us your name, hon.

 **Plucky:** Oh, right! (Clears his throat, to the group) My name’s Plucky.

 **Ron:** (To **Plucky** ) Really? You look more like a green Daffy.

 **Cypress** **:** (Encouragingly) So then, Plucky. Why have you decided to join the Strawberry Fields?

 **Plucky:** (Pointedly) Because I’m being harassed by an alien that only I can see and he’ll only leave me alone if I mate with a female duck.

_The hippies all stare at him._ **Ron** _lowers his rose-tinted glasses once more._

**Ron:** (Beat) Well, unlike the other members, I’m glad to see that you’re supplied with sugar.

 **Elephant:** (Desperately, to **Plucky** ) D’ya have any spare?!

 **Plucky:** (Conversationally) I’m also here because I’ll do anythin’ ta get some time away from…

 **Yucky:** (Offscreen, irritated) UNC?!

 **Ron** _,_ **Cypress** _and the other hippies all tense up as they hear the obnoxious bellow._

 **Emu:** Dude, it sounds like a brat.

 **Plucky:** (To **Emu** ) Yer not all that weird after all.

**Yucky** _abruptly bursts through the thicket and storms up to them._

**Cypress** **:** (Cooing, regarding **Yucky** ) Oh, he’s so cute! (To **Plucky** ) Do you know him?

 **Plucky:** (Groans) I wish I didn’t…

**Yucky** _reaches_ **Plucky** _. He looks tiny in comparison to the older_ **Cypress** _._

**Yucky:** (Angrily, to **Plucky** ) Why’re you hangin’ out with these beatniks, Unc? Don’t ya realise that the more time YOU waste goofin’ off, the more we hafta spend workin’ on this stupid environmental special?!

 **Ron:** (Placidly, to **Yucky** ) My squab, there is nothing stupid about the environment.

 **Yucky:** (Snappily, to **Ron** ) Get a job! (Testily, to **Plucky** ) Look, we came across some dork littering, an’ we need the Toxic Revenger, your superhero alter-ego that Montana Max came up with, ta destroy him.

 **Plucky:** (Outraged) I came up with the Toxic Revenger!

 **Yucky:** (Annoyed) D’ya really want Max ta take you ta court? Now, come on!

_He seizes_ **Plucky** _by the hand and drags him offscreen._

**Cypress** **:** (Shocked) Plucky?!

 **Plucky:** (Calling back to **Cypress** ) Don't worry, Citrus! This won’t take long!

_We fade to a tiny bespectacled_ **Cat** _with brown fur sitting on a bench next to a trash can. There are several balls of scrunched up paper near the feline._ **Yucky** _drags_ **Plucky** _up behind a bush near the_ **Cat** _._

**Yucky:** (Pointing, to **Plucky** ) There he is! There’s the blaggard who dares ta deface the environment!

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled) What? Behind the cat?

 **Yucky:** (Irritated) No, it IS the cat! Just look what he’s done!

_We cut to several close-ups of the discarded sheets of paper lying on the ground. Several scare chords play with each scrunched up ball that is shown._

**Yucky:** (To **Plucky** ) He’s violating the world with his careless attitude! Now, it’s up ta you, as the Toxic Revenger, ta rock an’ sock ‘um!

 **Plucky:** (To **Yucky** ) He’s tiny! Yer askin’ me ta beat up a kitten? I ain’t stoopin’ that low! Go ‘rock an’ sock’ him yourself!

 **Yucky:** (Beat, bitterly) You oughta be ashamed of yourself. This guy is carelessly destroying the planet and yer just gonna stand there and just let him pollute the atmosphere just because you have an advantage over him in the height department.

 **Plucky:** (Testily) It’s not like that!

 **Yucky:** (Vehemently) Yer indifference makes me sick! You’re no hero! Ta think I used ta look up to you!

 **Plucky:** (Annoyed) Since when?

**Yucky** _suddenly reaches offscreen and pulls_ **Skippy** _into the shot. The young squirrel is on the verge of tears. He is wearing a white and blue shirt with_ **Plucky’s** _face poorly drawn onto it. He is also carrying a flag which reads:_ **“Go Toksick Avenger!”**

**Yucky:** (Gesturing to **Skippy** ) Kids love you for tellin’ us ta look out for the environment whilst sponsoring racecar drivers! You’re lettin’ them down!

 **Skippy:** (Sniffs) Say it ain’t so… (Bawling) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH-HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA!! WAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAA!!

**Yucky** _takes out a megaphone and screams into it._ **Plucky** _cringes and holds his ears at the combined cacophony._

**Yucky:** (Bellowing) LISTEN UP, CITIZENS OF THE WORLD!! THE TOXIC REVENGER IS A FRAUD! A VOID! A ZERO! HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE BECAUSE OF HIM!

 **Skippy:** (Bawling) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH-HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA!! WAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAA!!

 **Plucky:** (Yelling, to **Yucky** ) FINE!! I’ll do it, ya happy now?!

**Yucky** _throws his megaphone offscreen._

**Yucky:** (Sweetly) I’m glad ya didn’t succumb to the corporate side, Unc.

**Plucky** _half-heartedly does a spin-change, emerging in his_ **Toxic Revenger** _costume._

**Plucky:** (Dispassionately) Toxic Revenger...away.

 **Skippy:** (Deadpan, to **Plucky** ) Lame.

_We cut to the_ **Cat** _as he draws in his notepad, a look of deep concentration on his face._ **Plucky** _stalks up to him._

**Plucky:** (Clears his throat, half-heartedly) How dare you deface the environment, heathen.

_The_ **Cat** _ignores him._ **Plucky** _turns to the camera, before tapping the feline on the head._

**Plucky:** (Impatiently) Hey, kid. Ya listening? I’m tryin’ ta talk some sense into ya!

 **Cat:** (Noncommittally) In a minute, Plucky, I gotta finish this picture.

 **Plucky:** (Indignantly) I’m not Plucky! I’m the Toxic Revenger… (Beat, shocked) You called me Plucky!

 **Cat:** (Noncommittally) What else am I gonna call ya? Calamity?

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) The only people who know my name are close friends! (To the **Cat** ) Who are you?

 **Cat:** (Noncommittally) Wait a minute…

_He adds the finishing touches to his drawing._

**Cat:** (Cheerily) Finished! (To **Plucky** ) I’m Small!

 **Plucky:** (Bemused) I know you are, what’s yer name?

 **Cat:** (Cheerfully) That is my name! Small J!

 **Plucky:** (In understanding) Oh, right. (Confused) What’s the J stand for?

 **Small J:** (Shrugging) I dunno.

_Before_ **Plucky** _can say any more,_ **Yucky** _bursts out of the bush and storms up to them._

**Yucky:** (Angrily) No, No, NO!! (To **Plucky** ) What the heck are ya doin’?! Yer supposed ta be beatin’ him up!

 **Small J:** (To **Plucky** , regarding **Yucky** ) Who’s he?

 **Plucky:** (Begrudgingly) My nephew.

 **Small J:** (Shocked) You have a nephew?! Since when?!

 **Plucky:** (Sighs) Since I made a deal with Monty ta make a spinoff.

 **Yucky:** (Irritably) Alright, spare the backstory, just rock an’ sock this litterbug!

 **Small J:** (Inquisitively, to **Yucky** ) You’re Plucky’s nephew? Where’s your Aunt Shirley?

 **Yucky:** (Angrily) Don’t try ta change the subject! (Beat) I don’t have an aunt!

 **Plucky:** (Sighs, to **Yucky** ) Look, just leave this guy alone, he hasn’t done anything wrong.

 **Yucky:** (Dumbfounded) He hasn’t done anything wrong? This cretin has contravened the law of natural life! (Accusingly) You’re fraternising with...litterbugs!

 **Small J:** (Innocently) Do you mean the paper?

_He picks them up and puts them in the trash can next to him._

**Small J:** (Apologetically, to **Plucky** ) Sorry, Plu… I mean, Toxic Revenger.

 **Yucky:** (Outraged, to **Small J** ) Hey! I made ya put those in the trash, not him!

 **Small J:** (Snarky, to **Yucky** ) I don’t know where Shirley, Hamton or Fifi are...but I miss them.

_He hops off the bench and walks offscreen._ **Yucky** _watches him go in shock._

**Yucky:** (To **Plucky** ) What a brat!

 **Plucky:** (Thinking) Who is that cat? How does he know my name? How does he know Shirl, Feef an’ Hammy? Why am I askin’ you these questions?

_He begins to walk away._

**Yucky:** (Confused) Where are ya goin’? We still have an environmental special ta work on!

 **Plucky:** (Absent-mindedly) Have fun.

_We cut to the_ **Strawberry Fields** _group facing something offscreen._ **Plucky** _walks into the shot and stands beside_ **Cypress** _._

**Plucky:** (Sheepishly, to **Cypress** ) Sorry I took so long.

 **Cypress** **:** (Out of the corner of her mouth) No problem.

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled) What’s goin’ on?

 **Cypress** **:** (Out of the corner of her mouth) We found a reason for being here.

_The camera cuts to a distant construction site. The sounds of buzzsaws fill the air and trees are being felled. After a beat, a huge chimney rises up and black smoke begins to belch from it._

**Plucky:** (Awestruck) Whoa…

 **Ron:** (Rallying) Brothers and sisters! We must stop the monsters destroying this beautiful landscape!

 _There are shouts of_ “Okay, I guess” _and_ “Do we have to?” _. The hippies all rush offscreen to prepare for their protest. Only_ **Plucky** _and_ **Cypress** _are left in the shot. The older duck notices_ **Plucky’s** _change in attire. He’s still dressed as the_ **Toxic Revenger** _._

 **Cypress** **:** (Surprised) That’s a groovy Halloween costume!

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled) What? (Realising) Oh, this! Heh, heh. This is one of my superhero alter-egos!

 **Cypress** **:** (Surprised) A superhero alter-ego? (Giggles, ruffling his feathers) Aren’t you full of surprises!

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) If this spinoff was targeted at an older audience, that would be an innuendo.

 **Cypress** **:** (Seriously) Now, enough horsin’ around. We’ve got some nature to protect!

 **Plucky** _is taken aback, but before he can reply,_ **Cypress** _rushes offscreen to join her group. He watches the other hippies preparing. The_ **Ostrich** _and_ **Elephant** _are chopping trees down, and the_ **Weasel** _cuts and carves the timber into protest signs. The_ **Emu** _smokes a cigarette, and throws it on the ground without putting it out. It promptly starts a fire._

_By the time they’ve finished, the forest they had been camping in is nothing but a barren, smouldering wasteland with several tree stumps._

**Ron:** (Rallying) Come, my brothers and sisters! Now we are prepared to negotiate with those who show no respect to natural sources!

 **Plucky:** (With spirit) Yeah! Let’s show ‘em what the Raspberry Fields can do!

 _There are mutters of_ “Okay, I guess” _and_ “Do we have to?” _before the group begins to lumber towards the building site._ **Plucky** _walks ahead, eager to kick butt as the_ **Toxic Revenger** _. The camera pans back to_ **Cypress** _, who grins at the green duck’s affinity for the environment._

_We cut to the building site in the_ **Everglades** _. Generic workers are chopping the trees down and digging enormous holes in the ground. Some of them are building more chimneys. The noise is deafening._

_The_ **Unseen Figure** _, who is wearing a blue suit, overlooks the operation. We do not see his face._

**Unseen Figure:** (Complacently) Work on the refinery is going just swimmingly! So far, we haven’t had ANYONE protesting it!

_The camera cuts to the_ **Strawberry Fields** _mob marching towards the building site. They are carrying picket signs which read_ **“DON’T RUIN THE ENVIRONMENT!”** _and_ **“MCCARTNEY DIED IN ‘66!”**

**Unseen Figure:** (Sighs) I should really keep my mouth shut.

_The_ **Strawberry Fields** _mob halt at the very edge of the site._ **Plucky** _cracks his knuckles in anticipation of the big battle that he is about to partake in._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) This is perfect! We’ll storm the site, demolish the towers that spew toxic smoke, dispose of the waste that chokes the roots of the trees and then I’ll sock the guy in charge, Evergreen will fall madly in love with me an’ I’ll take her hand in marriage!

**Ron** _takes out an acoustic guitar and everyone else (except_ **Plucky** _) takes out tambourines._

**Ron:** (Bellicose) This is it! It is up to us to take nature back into...nature’s control! Let us stop the destruction of Mother Nature’s kingdom from the greed of corporate suits! Who’s with me?!

 **Group:** (Monotone) We guess so.

 **Ron:** (Bellicose) Then let us remove this blemish on the Everglades!!

_Unable to control himself from the adrenaline,_ **Plucky** _sprints towards the workers, his cape flowing in the wind, his gloved fists clenched with the intent of wiping out all of the construction workers. He soon screeches to a halt when he realises that he’s running by himself._

**Plucky:** (Dumbfounded) What the…?!

_He looks back. The camera cuts to the group. They are stood, playing their instruments and singing a song._

**Group:** (Singing) Where have all the flowers gone? Long time passing. Where have all the flowers gone? Long time ago…

 **Plucky:** (To the camera, outraged) Whadda they doin’?!

 **Group:** (Singing) Where have all the flowers gone? Young girls have picked them everyone. Oh, when will they ever learn? Oh, when will they…?

**Plucky** _storms back._

**Plucky:** (Angrily) Whoa, whoa, whoa!!

_The group stops singing._

**Plucky:** (Angrily) What’s goin’ on? I thought we were gonna destroy this building site?!

 **Ron:** (Placidly) Green Daffy, we do not use violence. We just...sing.

 **Cypress** **:** (Encouragingly) C’mon, Plucky. Don’t stoop to their level. Make yourself heard the humane way.

_Upon hearing this,_ **Plucky** _drops his annoyed attitude. An eager, but forced, grin crosses his face._

**Plucky:** (To **Cypress** ) You’re absolutely right!

_He walks over to the group, taking out his sitar. They continue singing._

**Group:** (Singing) Where have all the young girls gone? Long time passing. Where have all the young girls gone? Long time ago.

 **Plucky:** (Thinking) This is going nowhere. Can somebody please do something?!

 **Group:** (Singing) Where have all the young girls gone? Gone for husbands, everyone…

 **Unseen Figure:** (Offscreen) AAAAAAAAHHH, SHADDAP!!

_The group stops singing once more._ **Plucky** _breathes a sigh of relief._

**Plucky:** (Thinking) Thank you…

_We cut to the_ **Unseen Figure** _storming up to them. He has a paper bag on his head._

**Unseen Figure:** (Outraged) What in the name of Gotcha Grabmore is going on here?! Get off of my property!

 **Ron:** (Placidly) This property does not belong to you, nor to any of us. It is owned by Mother Nature. You are going against her rules.

 **Unseen Figure:** (To **Ron** ) Get a job! (To the **Group** ) I won’t say this again, you’re all trespassing! Now, get off this property before I…

 **Cypress** **:** (Interrupting, angrily) You should be ashamed of yourself!

_She fishes in her pocket and takes out a soap box which reads_ **“TTBS”** _._ **Plucky’s** _eyes widen as he watches her step onto it._

**Cypress** **:** (Damning, to **Unseen Figure** ) Can’t you see how you’ve sullied a prolific landmark of this state?! Can’t you see how you’ve jeopardised our planet’s atmosphere by murdering innocent plants in order to build your despicable polluting monstrosities?! The atmosphere will soon become unbearable all because of your corporate avarice!

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Y’know, that was the most preachiest thing I ever heard...but I don’t care.

 **Unseen Figure:** (Beat, bluntly to **Cypress** ) That was very cute, ma’am, it must’ve taken several months of rehearsals. (Sarcastically) I suppose that you want me to get rid of my Earl of Oil Refinery and fire everyone whom I’ve hired. Employees who have had to sell their anatomies to travel to my office for the interview. Employees who have mouths to feed and bills to pay will suddenly lose their jobs...all because of a bunch of deadbeats who don’t like where their workplace is being built.

 **Cypress** **:** (Outraged) Oh yeah?! Well… (Beat) You stink!

 **Ron:** (To **Unseen Figure** ) What she says. If you won’t listen to reason, we shall have to protest some more.

_He strums a few notes on his guitar._

**Ron:** (Sings) One banana, two banana, three banana, four! Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more!

_There is a gunshot, and_ **Ron** _falls down on the ground, his guitar clattering as it lands beside him._

**Emu:** (To **Unseen Figure** ) Hey, man, that’s not cool.

 **Plucky:** (Outraged, rallying) That guy just gunned down our leader! Whadda we gonna do, fellow whinerrrr...hippies?!

 **Cypress** **:** (Terrified) RUN!!

_Everyone, except_ **Plucky** _and the lifeless_ **Ron** _, turns tail and sprints away. The_ **Unseen Figure** _turns his attention to the nervous mallard._

**Unseen Figure:** (Annoyed, to **Plucky** ) We don't have any candy, kid. Get lost!

 **Plucky:** (Indignantly) I'm no kid! I’m the Toxic Revenger, and I’m gonna destroy this popsicle stand!

 **Unseen Figure:** (Dispassionately) Lame.

_He takes out a shotgun and aims it at_ **Plucky** _._

**Unseen Figure:** (Boredly) You’ve got ten seconds to get off my property. One, two, miss a few,  nine, ten.

 **Plucky** _does a Clampett Corneal Catastrophe double take in horror and runs for his life in the same direction as_ **Cypress** _and the others._

_We fade to the_ **Strawberry Fields** _campsite, where the hippies are recovering after their retreat._

**Female Ostrich:** (Sobbing) I can't believe he’s gone.

 **Tortoise:** (Puzzled) Who’s gone?

 **Female Ostrich:** (Annoyed) Ron! He was shot a few minutes ago!

 **Emu:** (Gesturing to the **Elephant** ) I thought he was Ron.

_The_ **Elephant** _is frantically searching for something._

**Elephant:** (Panic-stricken) Where’s my sugar?! The withdrawal symptoms are firing up again!!

 **Weasel:** (To **Female Ostrich** ) Who’re we talking about?

 **Female Ostrich:** (Sobbing) Ron! He’s dead! Murdered in cold blood!

 **Tortoise:** (Snarky) Just when he went cold turkey.

 **Cypress** **:** (Concerned) Hey, guys, what’re we gonna do without Ron to guide us?

_They all look at each other in trepidation._

**Emu:** (Beat) Well, I dunno about you dudes an’ dudettes, buuuuut, I’m goin’ back ta sellin’ linoleum.

 **Cypress** **:** (Shocked) What?

_The_ **Emu** _walks offscreen._

**Female Ostrich:** (Bluntly) Without Ron, I have no reason to hang with you chumps, sooooo… I’m gonna go see if the Earl of Oil is hiring.

 _She walks offscreen._ **Cypress** _watches her go with dismay. She turns to the_ **Tortoise** _._

 **Cypress** **:** (Hopefully, to **Tortoise** ) You’ll stand by us, won't you? You're a herbivore!

 **Tortoise:** (Shortly) To be honest, I only joined so I wouldn't hafta pay for salad.

_He trudges sluggishly away._

**Elephant:** (Frantically, to **Cypress** ) I’ll stand by ya!

 **Cypress** **:** (Ecstatic) You will?! Oh, thank…

 **Elephant:** (Desperately) Without plants, ya don't get sugar! I gotta have sugar!! I’ll grow my own sugar plants!

 **Weasel:** (Sighs) Where’s the nearest rehab?

 _He leads the_ **Elephant** _away._ **Cypress** _stands alone in the barren glade._

 **Cypress** **:** (To the camera) Well, this is discouraging.

_She bursts into tears, holding her head in her hands. After a beat,_ **Plucky** _comes running into the scene, gasping and panting for breath._

**Plucky:** (Pants) I...I...lost...him! (To the camera) He probably wasn’t chasin’ me but ah, well.

 _He sees_ **Cypress** _crying and his jaw hits the floor in shock._

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) A lady in distress! (To the camera) Thankfully, she’s a pretty face. (Heroic) Luckily for her, the Toxic Revenger is also chivalrous as well as compassionate for the environment.

_The camera cuts to_ **Cypress** _, who is no longer sobbing, but is sniffling and drying her eyes._ **Plucky** _sidles up to her. He takes out a tissue._

**Plucky:** (Compassionately, to **Cypress** ) Hey, uh… Birch. Here you go.

_Standing on tiptoes, he hands her the tissue._

**Cypress** **:** (Sniffs) Thanks, Plucky… (Tearfully) A tree died especially for this tissue!

_She begins to cry once more, her sobs sounding like a dying moose._ **Plucky** _looks irritatedly at the camera, before taking several deep breaths to calm himself down._

**Plucky:** (To **Cypress** , concerned) Where is everyone? Did that oil baron get ‘em?

 **Cypress** **:** (Shaking her head) A-After that uncool beancounter got Ron, the others just...gave up. Now, there’s just me. How can I possibly save the Everglades by myself?

 **Plucky:** (Heroically) You’re not alone! You’ve got the Toxic Revenger by your side!

 **Cypress** **:** (Chuckles) You’re a cute kid. (Sadly) But I don’t see how dressing up in a ridiculous fashion is gonna stop those corporate jerks.

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Can any of you spot the irony in that statement? (To **Cypress** ) I’m serious, I’ve actually stopped people from destroying natural habitats before. Like this one time when Monty built a lolly stick factory on my pond.

 **Cypress** **:** (Sniffs) Who’s Monty?

 **Plucky:** (Bitterly) A great big jerk who goes ta my school. (To the camera, sardonically) An’ now I work for him.

 **Cypress** **:** (Calming down) Monty sounds like a moneygrabber. (Sighs) Listen, Plucky. It’s really nice of you to stand by me but if those oil people didn’t take Ron seriously, how’re they gonna listen to us?

 **Plucky:** (Determinedly) Cypress, in case you haven’t noticed, we’re both ducks. Nobody is gonna take us seriously. But, that hasn’t stopped me. I’ve bounced back no matter how many people have put me down. I suggest that instead of standing around with picket signs and singin’ songs, we actually do somethin’ ta stop this refinery bein’ built!

 **Cypress** **:** (Surprised) How?

 **Plucky:** (Smugly) Sabotage.

 _We cut to the part of the woods that was seen at the beginning of the episode._ **Plucky** _zips around, looking for something, or someone, whilst_ **Cypress** _watches him with amused interest._

 **Cypress** **:** (Chuckles) What’re you looking for?

 **Plucky:** (Noncommittally) Yucky. (Thinking) Never thought I’d say that… (To **Cypress** ) If there’s anyone who can mess something up, it’s him...or Elmyra.

 **Cypress** **:** Is he that cute little duckling?

 **Plucky:** Duckling, yes. Cute, no. (Grumbling) He’s gotta be around here somewhere, he’ll still be workin’ on that stupid environ…

 _He trails off for two reasons. The first reason is that_ **Cypress** _is in earshot. The second reason is that he’s seen something up ahead that’s shocked him. The camera cuts to_ **Yucky** _, who’s wearing a suit that’s surprisingly similar to the one that the_ **Unseen Figure** _wears._

 **Plucky:** (Ecstatic) Yucky!! I finally found ya! (Hurriedly) Look, Cypress an’ I need yer help…

 **Yucky:** (Accusingly) You’re a traitor!

 **Plucky:** (Rolling his eyes) Okay, yeah, you’re right, I didn’t rock an’ sock that kitten for litterin’, but am I really a…

 **Yucky:** (Angrily interrupting) I don’t care about that! (Pointing at **Cypress** ) You’re fraternisin’ with...cootie farms!

 **Cypress** **:** (Cooing, to **Yucky** ) Awww, is somebody cranky?

_She walks over to_ **Yucky** _, who backs off abruptly as if she has a deadly disease._

**Yucky:** (Repulsed) Get away from me, you… HEY!

 _He is cut off as_ **Cypress** _bends down and picks him up like a baby._ **Yucky** _kicks and struggles but the older female duck holds him to her._

 **Cypress** **:** (Cooing) Somebody didn’t take their nap today…

 **Yucky:** (Angrily) LEGGO!

 **Plucky** _fights back laughter as he watches his nephew get several pats on the back as if_ **Cypress** _is trying to make him burp._

 **Yucky:** (Struggling) Put me down or I’ll sock ya!

 **Cypress** **:** (Reprimanding) Don’t fight, you naughty boy. (To **Plucky** ) I’ve got a brother his age. (To **Yucky** ) Don’t make me give you a time out.

 **Yucky:** (Angrily) I’ll tell my boss on you!

 **Plucky:** (Sarcastically) Yeah, it’s high time Monty needs a diaper change.

 **Yucky:** (Scathingly) Not him! The oil baron!

 **Plucky** _and_ **Cypress** _freeze upon hearing this. The older mallard faces_ **Yucky** _, who smugly displays a badge on his suit which reads_ **“The Earl of Oil: Yucky Duck”** _._

 **Plucky:** (Outraged, to **Yucky** ) And you say I’M a traitor! I thought you were savin’ the environment!

 **Yucky:** (Dismissive) I’ll say anything for a paycheck. Besides, the Earl gave me a lollipop!

 **Plucky:** (Suspicious) Where’s that crybaby squirrel?

_We are given a flashback of_ **Skippy** _tied up and sitting in a bucket. The camera zooms out to reveal_ **Yucky** _cutting a rope and_ **Skippy** _falls down a well._

**Skippy:** (Bawling) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH-HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA!! WAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA-Haaaaaaaaa….

_We hear an echoing splash as the flashback ends._

**Plucky:** (Frustrated) Great! That brat was gonna be my Plan B if ya didn’t help us!

 **Yucky:** (Unimpressed) Help ya with what?

 **Cypress** **:** (To **Yucky** , with spirit) We’re gonna sabotage the construction of that oil refinery and save the Everglades!

 **Yucky:** (Outraged, to **Plucky** ) So not only do ya ditch us for a girl, but yer gonna ruin my new career?!

 **Plucky:** (Casually) Yes.

 **Yucky:** (Angrily) Well, it ain’t gonna happen! As of ten minutes ago, you losers are trespassin’ on the Earl of Oil’s property!

 **Cypress** **:** (Shocked) What?! Nobody owns the Everglades, how did…

**Yucky** _takes out a megaphone and screams into it._

**Yucky:** (Bellowing) INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT! DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA! DUCKY-DOO-DOO!

 **Plucky** _grabs_ **Cypress** **’s** _hand and they run for their lives. The camera cuts to them running from_ **Yucky** _, when the green duck suddenly trips over something. They both fall to the ground. The camera pans down to the pair lying in a heap._ **Cypress** _shakes her head to clear it of the stars circling it._

 **Cypress** **:** (Dazedly) Natural ground is never smooth… (Surprised) Huh?

_The camera cuts to an empty can lying on the ground. This is what the two waterfowl tripped over. The label on the can is slightly torn, but we can faintly see the words_ **“Remover”** _._

**Cypress** **:** (Puzzled) What’s a can of...remover doing out here?

 **Plucky:** (Panic-stricken) It’s probably some wart remover, now c’mon, we gotta get outta here!

_Pulling her to her feet, they continue running._

**Cypress** **:** (As they run) Get outta here? What about the Everglades?

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled) The what? (Realising) Oh, that. I’ll think of something!

 **Cypress** **:** (Gasps) You’d better think fast!

**Plucky** _looks ahead and screeches to a halt in shock. The camera pans out to reveal that they're back at the building site._

**Plucky:** (To the camera, deadpan) Outta the fryin’ pan an’ into the fire. Unsurprising.

_It looks as if the construction on the refinery is nearly complete._

**Cypress** **:** (In despair) Oh, no. We're too late!

 **Plucky:** (Hurriedly) NO! No, we’re not! We’ve just...gotta… (Beat) I got nothing.

 **Unseen Figure:** (Offscreen) You again?!

_The camera cuts to the_ **Unseen Figure** _storming up to them, the paper bag still on his head._

**Unseen Figure:** (Angrily) I thought I told you deadbeats to get off my property!

 **Plucky:** (Terrified) And we are!

 _He zips offscreen, leaving_ **Cypress** _behind._

 **Cypress** **:** (Shocked) Plucky, wait!

_We cut to_ **Plucky** _squelching through the oil-contaminated mud._

**Plucky:** (To himself, as he runs) So I’m a dirty coward. How was I supposed ta scare those tycoons outta here anyway?

_He suddenly slips and falls into the mud with a SPLAT! After a beat, he gets up, covered from head to webbed toe in mud. Branches and weeds cling to his body because of the viscous substance._ **Plucky** _desperately tries to wipe his eyes clean, but only succeeds in rubbing more mud into them._

**Plucky:** (Gurgling) MY EYES!! I GOT MUD IN MY EYES!!

_Frantically, he turns back to the site to get help, constantly falling down and gathering more mud as he does so._

_We fade back to the building site, where the_ **Unseen Figure** _is still arguing with_ **Cypress** _._

**Unseen Figure:** (Irritated, to **Cypress** ) You know, I gave you and your cronies the chance ta leave, but you still came back. You’ve given me no option but to alert the authorities.

 **Cypress** **:** (Terrified) NO! I can’t go back ta jail!

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen, gurgling) HELP ME!! I’M BLIND!!

 **Cypress** _and the_ **Unseen Figure** _look back in shock. The camera cuts to the blackness of the swamp beyond the building site._

 **Cypress** **:** (Horrified) Plucky?! Are you okay?!

**Plucky** _doesn’t answer. Instead, we hear a despairing wail...and a huge monstrous figure with black and brown skin lumbers out of the darkness. It gurgles and roars as it clumsily moves about._

**Unseen Figure:** (Appalled) What is that?!

 **Cypress** **:** (Thinking fast) That’s, uh, that’s the Everglades monster! You built your forest holocaust on its home, an’ it’s angry!

_The ‘monster’ staggers about, and bumps into a ladder that a builder has climbed up. The ladder falls down, causing a lit blowtorch to fall down, landing on a patch of oil. The oil sets alight, and the flames rush towards the trees, setting them ablaze._

_One of the trees falls down, knocking into one of the chimneys. This particular chimney falls down, bumping into the chimney next to it. Like dominoes, the chimneys all collapse as they crash into each other. The ‘monster’ abruptly catches fire as the oil on its body is ignited as well. In panic, it runs around, setting everything around it on fire._

_The_ **Unseen Figure** _watches on. Although we don’t see his face, we can assume he’s horrified._

**Unseen Figure:** (Distraught) No...NO!! It’s destroying everything!

 **Cypress** **:** (Triumphantly) That’s what you get for destroying its natural habitat!

 **Unseen Figure:** (Threateningly, to **Cypress** ) You haven’t won yet, you deadbeat flower girl. I’ll build my company somewhere else!

 _He turns on his heel and runs away from his crumbling business._ **Cypress** _watches him go, before turning to face the ‘monster’._

 **Cypress** **:** (Creeped out) What IS that thing?

_The ‘monster’s’ muddy shell is incinerated off its body...revealing_ **Plucky** _with his hands to his eyes...and still on fire._

**Plucky:** (Screaming) AAAAAAGGGGHHHH!! I’M BURNING!!

**Cypress** **’s** _revulsion changes to utter joy._

**Cypress** **:** (Ecstatic) Plucky! You’ve saved the Everglades… (Uneasily) By destroying half of it.

_We fade to a burnt and charred_ **Plucky** _having the oily mud wiped off by a handkerchief which is being licked by_ **Cypress** _._

**Plucky:** (Chuckles) It’s amazing how oil can be easily cleaned in cartoons, huh?

 **Cypress** **:** (Giggles) It sure is. (Beat) I’m proud of you, Plucky. And I’m sure Mother Nature is, too. You’re a clever kid.

 **Yucky:** (Offscreen, indignantly) No, he isn’t!

_The camera cuts to_ **Yucky** _as he stares at the remains of the unfinished construction. He then turns to glare at_ **Plucky** _._

**Yucky:** (Angrily, to **Plucky** ) I hope yer happy, Unc. Ya ruined Monty’s environmental special by ditchin’ us for a girl AND ya wrecked my vocational purposes!

 **Plucky:** (Smugly, to **Yucky** ) Tell Monty the deal’s off! I’m through with you AND my stupid co-stars!

 **Cypress** **:** (To **Yucky** ) Plucky’s a hero! He doesn’t wanna work for people who advocate the destruction of our natural sources!

 **Yucky:** (Snarky, to **Plucky** ) Ya had ta get with a PREACHY girl, didn’t ya? (Angrily) I don’t think ya understand what’s gonna happen once ya go back on Monty’s agreement. An’ I don’t care what happens to ya! Yer a traitor ta me. I’m stayin’ with you, an’ there’s NOTHIN’ you can do about it!

_We cut to_ **Plucky** _glaring at the smug little duckling. Suddenly, we cut to what looks like a huge venus flytrap with huge fangs. The plant slowly opens its mouth._

**Yucky:** (Offscreen, desperately) No, unc, please! Not like this! Please, please! NOOOOOOOOO!!

**Yucky** _suddenly flies into the flytrap’s jaws, which slam shut as soon as he enters them. The flytrap is actually_ **Audrey II** _._

**Audrey II:** (Sings) I think it’s suppertime!

 _We cut back to_ **Cypress** _looking annoyed as_ **Plucky** _walks smugly back into the shot, cheerfully dusting off his hands._

 **Cypress** **:** (Chiding) Plucky, that wasn’t very nice.

 **Plucky:** (Smirks) No, but it was satisfying.

_He looks down at his red shirt and blue jeans, before ripping them off to reveal his white tank top._

**Plucky:** (Cheerfully, to the camera) Plucky’s back, baby! (To **Cypress** ) C’mon! I’m gonna go find my friends an’ get my show greenlit! You can come with me!

 **Cypress** **:** (Surprised) I can’t just go!

 **Plucky:** (Rolling his eyes) Look, I know you have an affinity for the environment, but ya can’t stay here forever!

 **Cypress** **:** (Shaking her head) It’s not that. There’s still oil in the swamp. We’ve gotta clean it out!

 **Plucky:** (Dumbfounded) MUCKING?!

 **Cypress** **:** (With puppy-dog eyes) Please? I’ll give ya a lollipop!

 **Plucky:** (Sighs) Fine… (To himself) Hang in there, Shirley. I’m gonna make everything up to you. Watch out, Hammy an’ Feef. I’m comin’ ta make amends! (Boredly) Once I muck out this swamp…

_He follows_ **Cypress** _, preparing to get dirty from the impending hard work._

**TO BE CONTINUED**

 

**CREDITS**

 

Written by: **Redtop95**

Based on an idea by: **Smallj85**

Creative Consultant: **Smallj85**

Small J and Cypress Duck are owned by **Smallj85**


	11. When Plucky met Cypress

_The sun shines through the hole in the ceiling of the_ **Spring Breaker’s Motel** _. We fade to_ **Shirley** _lying on the mouldy mattress, her skintight clothes gone. She is covered up by a frilly pink dressing gown. Far from being a sleeping beauty, she is snoring noisily. The camera pans out to reveal that_ **Randy** _is staring at her from the foot of the bed, his eyes the size of dinner plates and his horns standing on end. After a beat, he extends a hand as if he’s about to lift up her gown to peek._ **Shirley** _abruptly sits up. She catches the herbivore._

**Shirley:** (Shrieks) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!

 **Randy:** (Screams) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!

 **Shirley:** (Shrieks) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!

 **Randy:** (Screams) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!

 **Shirley:** (Shrieks) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!

 **Randy:** (Bored) I think we’ve made the point.

 **Shirley:** (Angrily) Like, what the heck are you DOING?!

 **Randy:** (Nervously) I was...uh...I was…

**Shirley** _goes red in the face from anger as she impatiently waits for an explanation._

**Randy:** (Clears his throat) It’s strictly classified!

 **Shirley:** (Angrily) Well, I’ve got news for you, tall, dark an’ horny! What you were tryin’ ta look at is mondo classified, too!

 **Randy:** (Flustered) There’s no need ta be so touchy about it.

 **Shirley:** (Indignantly) Touchy is the word, or some junk!

 **Randy:** (Annoyed) Okay, okay, just let it go!

 **Shirley:** (Beat) I’ve totally gotta get outta here.

 **Randy:** (Shocked) What? No, don’t, I didn’t mean to…

 **Shirley:** (Irritated) It ain’t that! The manager said we could only stay one night! I don’t wanna get sued, or some junk.

 **Randy:** (Knowingly) You wouldn’t get sued for overstaying your reservation. The staff would simply evict you. You’re more likely to get sued for indecent exposure.

 **Shirley:** (Indignant) What is that supposed ta mean?!

 **Randy:** (Awkwardly) Well, in case you haven’t noticed… That uncomfortable attire was the only clothing you had. And I ripped them up. All you have is that dressing gown.

 **Shirley:** (Dumbfounded) Say what?! B-But I have a suitcase full of…

_We cut to_ **Randy** _munching. The sleeve of a pink sweater is slowly disappearing into his mouth._

**Randy:** (Through a full mouth) Bethideth… You’re too big for thothe clotheth now.

 **Shirley:** (Demanding) Like, how’d ya know that? (Irritated) Oh, wait. Lemme guess. It’s classified.

 **Randy:** (Swallows) Yes. (Beat) You taste nice.

 **Shirley:** (Suspicious) Did you say something?

 **Randy:** (Shortly) No. (Mutters) Bit like peking…

 **Shirley:** (Sighs) Like, c’mon. Let’s get outta here. We’ve got a long day ahead of us if we’re gonna get back ta Acme Acres.

_She gets off the bed, suddenly clutching her stomach._

**Shirley:** (Groans) I don’t feel so good all of a sudden...

 

**THE PLUCKY DUCK SHOW**

**Episode 11**

 

**When Plucky met Cypress**

**Or**

**When Shirley met Randy**

**Or**

**When Hamton and Fifi met Cypress**

**Or**

**When Uncle Stinky met his mobile home**

 

**Act One**

_We fade to_ **Plucky** _and_ **Cypress** _caked in mud and squelching down the sidewalk which runs alongside the beach at_ **Fort Lauderdale** _. Passers-by regard them with revulsion or cross to the other side of the road. The song_ **“In the Summertime”** _by_ **Mungo Jerry** _can be heard playing in the background._

 **Plucky:** (Narrating) Spinoff Log: Entry 9. I’ve done it! I’ve ditched those jokers AND got myself a new girl...only she doesn’t know it, yet. I just have to use my inherent charm ta entice her.

**Yahoo** _suddenly teleports beside him._

**Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) You have charms, delusional Dum-Dum?

**Plucky** _does a double take._

**Plucky:** (Dumbfounded) What the-?! Why’re YOU still here?!

 **Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) Well, to tell the truth, I did consider leaving after that supposed ‘environmental special’ but I remembered that I still have a job to do.

 **Plucky:** (Smugly) Well, it looks like yer work here is done, Halley’s half-pint. (Gesturing to **Cypress** ) I got myself a girl duck!

 **Cypress** **:** (Puzzled) Who’re you talking to?

 **Plucky:** (Confused, to **Cypress** ) What? (Beat) Oh! Uh...just the little blue alien that only I can see.

 **Cypress** **:** (Giggles) An imaginary friend… Cute.

 **Plucky:** (Through gritted teeth, to **Yahoo** ) Yeah, I’m imagining that he’ll GO AWAY.

 **Yahoo:** (Defensively) You may have met a female member of your species, but that’s only the tip of the iceberg. You have to… you know…

 **Plucky:** (Confused) Date?

 **Yahoo:** (Curtly) No.

 **Plucky:** (Confused) Share ice cream?

 **Yahoo:** (Shortly) No.

 **Plucky:** (Confused) Go for a walk along the beach?

 **Yahoo:** (Irritably) No…

 **Plucky:** (Confused) Go to the fair an’ win her a stuffed animal?

 **Yahoo:** (Annoyed) You’re doing this deliberately, aren’t you, Dum-Dum?

 **Plucky:** (Confused) Doing what deliberately?

 **Yahoo:** (Irritated) Trying to make me talk about...about… Mating.

 **Plucky:** (In mock shock) Mating? Why didn’t ya say?

 **Yahoo:** (Annoyed) The sooner you mate with the elder female, Dum-Dum, the sooner I can leave. Now, get on with it!

 **Plucky:** (Cheerfully) Yer speakin’ my language, Mot! (To the camera) As long as no-one else shows up, I’m a happy duck!

 **Spittoon:** (Offscreen) At last, I have found you, Green Daffy!

**Plucky** _cringes as the camera cuts to the robot butler clanking towards them. However, just as he reaches them, a limousine roars past, and a huge magnet emerges from the trunk._ **Spittoon** _is abruptly yanked backwards, gets stuck to the magnet, and the limo’s trunk closes over him._

**Spittoon:** (Droning) Help. Help. Help. Help. Help.

_The fancy vehicle drives off into the distance, just as_ **Plucky** _turns around, expecting to face the metal man. To his surprise, the robot is nowhere to be seen._

**Plucky:** (Puzzled) Huh? Where’d he go?

 **Cypress** **:** Where’d who go?

 **Plucky:** (Hastily) Nobody. (To the camera) Those losers are disappearin’ almost as soon as they arrived. This really is gonna be a great day! (Beat) Cypress?

 **Cypress** **:** (Sweetly) Yes, Plucky

**Plucky** _is digging his webbed toes into the pavement bashfully like_ **Jimmy Stewart** _asking for a date._

**Plucky:** (Shyly) Since we, uh...saved the Everglades from bein’ destroyed… How about we celebrate?

 **Cypress** **:** (Jovially) That's a wonderful idea! We’ll hand out flyers in order to convince people to save the last of the dodos from extinction!

 **Plucky:** (Whiny) Noooo, that’s boring! (Backpedaling) Uh, I mean...how about we go out ta eat...and then…

 **Cypress** **:** (With a raised eyebrow) And then?

 **Plucky:** (With mounting excitement) Then… (Ecstatic) WE CAN GO TA HAPPY WORLD LAND!! (To the camera, snarky) And actually set foot in the park.

 **Cypress** **:** (Uncertainly) Happy World Land?

 **Plucky:** (Rattling) Yeah, it’s not too far from here. It’s the greatest theme park of all time an’ it has rides for everybody: people with high blood pressures, pregnant women, the works! Well, there are only six rides, but it’s still amazing!

 **Cypress** **:** (Beat) Well… if it’ll make you happy.

 **Plucky:** (With childlike glee) YAY! (Sings) Happy World Land, Happy World Land, where all your dreams come true!

 **Cypress** _teasingly ruffles his feathers as they continue walking along the sea front._

 

**Act Two**

_We fade to_ **Shirley** _in the_ **Spring Breaker’s Motel** _. She is panicking, her eyes bloodshot with stress._ **Randy** _is in the background, looking notably disturbed by the loon’s behaviour._

**Shirley:** (Frightened) Oh, no… This totally can’t be happening. My friends hate me...I’m stuck in this gaudy makeover, I’m stuck with a lusty lawyer who ate my clothes… (Screams) ALL I WANNA DO IS GO HOME!!

 **Randy:** (Unsettled) Ms. Loon… control yourself!

**Shirley** _rounds on him._

**Shirley:** (Demonic) I’M HAVING A BAD DAY!! YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND SO SHUT YER…

_She suddenly stops as she feels a twinging pain._

**Shirley:** (Whispers) No...not now.

 **Randy:** (Unsettled) Wh-What’s the matter?

 **Shirley:** (Testily) Mind yer own business! I’m totally fiiIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNE!!

_She falls down on her knees, clutching her stomach with both hands. Pimples begin to appear on her face and bill spontaneously like popcorn being cooked. Her breathing becomes heavy and jagged._ **Randy** _scuttles back against one of the walls. He pulls his horns off his head and uses them as a crucifix. The camera pans back to the loon as she shakily gets to her feet, bending over as if she’s about to be sick._

**Shirley:** (Wailing) No! NOT NOW! (Moans) It’s comin’ out! It’s totally comin’ out!

_We cut to_ **Randy** _who averts his gaze._

**Randy:** (Disgusted) Go to the bathroom, I don’t wanna see it!

_There is a pop, followed closely by a loud CLANK!! The camera cuts to an egg the size of a football sitting on the floor._ **Shirley** _stands above it, panting and gasping._

**Randy:** (Dumbfounded) All that for an egg?

**Shirley** _recovers and slowly turns around to face her freshly laid egg. She bursts into tears._

**Randy:** (Puzzled) What's the matter, it's only an egg.

 **Shirley:** (Sobs) Like, it’s my egg! It's a reminder that I'm growing up, or some junk!

**Randy** _moves cautiously up to her._

**Randy:** (Chuckles) You’re gettin’ worked up by the fact that you’re growin’ up? I think you're pretty mature already…at least your body is.

**Shirley** _lunges furiously at him. The ram retreats in fear._

**Shirley:** (Lividly) THIS IS SERIOUS! GROWING UP TOTALLY DISRUPTS MY CENTRE!

_She begins to cry once more, touching the ugly blemishes on her face._

**Shirley:** (Sniffles) And, like, I’m ugly!

 **Randy:** (Thinking) You got that right. (To **Shirley** ) Look…

**Shirley** _fires a lightning bolt from her hands._

**Shirley:** (Furiously) SHUT UP!

**Randy** _dives out of the way and the lightning bolt hits the wall behind him, taking a chunk out of it._

**Randy:** (Attempting to save face) There’s nothing wrong with eggs. Th-They’re a sign of new life...especially in waterfo…

_He trails off as an awful thought comes to him._ **Shirley** _notices this._

**Shirley:** (Worried) What? What’s the matter?

 **Randy:** (Unnerved) Y-You laid an egg…

 **Shirley:** (Irritably) Of COURSE I laid an egg, or some junk!

 **Randy:** (Faltering) Babies come...out...of...bird eggs…

_All of the colour drains from the ram’s body, leaving him white as a ghost and looking like he’s just seen one. He wheels round, taking out a book and frantically leafing through it._ **Shirley** _puts a hand to her bill, realisation dawning._

**Shirley:** (Softly) Randy...what have you done?

 **Randy:** (Desperately) Nothing, I…

 **Shirley:** (Screams) WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

 **Randy:** (Bellows) THERE’S BEEN A TERRIBLE MISUNDERSTANDING!

**Shirley** _stares at the egg in horror._

**Shirley:** (Tearfully) Your kid is, like, in this egg!

 **Randy:** (Madly) No, he isn’t!

 **Shirley:** (Outraged) How d’you know it ain’t a she, or some junk?!

 **Randy:** (Desperately) That’s not the point. I have nothin’ ta do with that egg! It’s part of your growin’ up, ya said so yourself!

 **Shirley:** (Angrily) Well, how’d you explain all yer ogling an’ this egg comin’ outta my…

 **Randy:** (Hyperventilating) Oh, my gosh… I have…

 **Shirley:** (Wailing) This can’t be happening! I’m too young ta be a parent!

 **Randy:** (Frustrated) Quit yer blubberin’! I’m gonna get eight ta nine years for this! I’ll lose my job!

 **Shirley:** (Demonic) STOP THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF, OR SOME JUNK!! (Sobbing) I wanna go hoooome!

 **Randy:** (Bargaining) Okay, okay, listen! If I help ya get back to Acme Acres without anyone seein’ ya naked, you hafta keep quiet about this egg. Deal?

 **Shirley:** (Infuriated) Yer a terrible father!! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE, OR SOME JUNK!

 **Randy:** (Frantically) Ms. Loon, please!

_Bolts of lightning fly at the herbivore, and he runs for his life out of the room, slamming the door behind him. The camera cuts to the motel corridor, where_ **Randy** _is catching his breath._ **Rodney Dangerfield** _walks up to him._

**Rodney:** (Deadpan, to **Randy** ) You think your life’s awful? Last year, I was a dog.

**Randy** _stares at the comedian, completely dumbfounded, before giving the camera a distressed look._

 

**Act Three**

_We fade to the main entrance to_ **Happy World Land** _. The theme park’s famous theme song begins to play._

**Chorus:** (Singing) Happy World Land, Happy World Land, where the fun doesn’t stop at 80 bucks a pop, in beautiful Happy World Land!

_We fade to the_ **Tooth Ferry** _, where_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _are spooning. The monorail is completely empty, so they can show their affection in peace._

**Hamton:** (Happily) What a great way ta celebrate our second anniversary, on the Monorail at Happy World Land!

 **Fifi:** (Grinning) Oui, et Oncle Stinky ‘as, how-you-say, booked out ze park’s theatre so zat we can ‘old auditions!

 **Hamton:** (Chuckles) Yeah! (Musing) I wonder how he managed it?

_We abruptly cut to the_ **Theatre** _. In the background, we can see a poster which reads_ **“Baloney: Live!”** _The staff look terrified as_ **Uncle Stinky** _aims a rifle at them._ **Baloney the Dinosaur** _has his hands in the air. One member of staff frantically pastes a poster on the wall which reads:_ **“Auditions for Mystery Show: Today!”** _We abruptly cut back to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _._

**Fifi:** (Shrugs) Ah do not know, mais who eez complaining, no? (Flirtatiously) Before we can decide who can work on our show zat we don’t know will be about, we can celebrate deux ans together avec ze style…

 **Hamton:** (Eagerly) Yeah! We can go on all the rides!

 **Fifi:** (Sultry) Oui, mais, we can also…

_The rest of her words are drowned out by the monorail’s_ **PA System** _. We do not hear what she is saying, but_ **Hamton’s** _eyes widen and his cheeks redden, before he smiles._

**PA System:** (Monotone) Okay, Happy World Landers, it’s the end of the line. In more ways than one. We hope you enjoy your visit here and we especially hope you can afford it.

 

**Act Four**

**Plucky** _and_ **Cypress** _, both inexplicably clean, enter a local_ **Weenie Burgers** _, the smaller green duck swaggering in as_ **Yahoo** _teleports by his side._

**Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) This is your idea of mating, Dum-Dum? I thought the eatery would be more impressive.

 **Plucky:** (Scoffs) What planet are ya from? Nothin’ screams romance like a fast-food joint! One time, some guy proposed ta his girlfriend with an onion ring! He got rejected, but he got comfort food on the house!

 **Cypress:** (To **Plucky** ) Talking to your imaginary friend again? (Sniffs) Ron would be proud.

_They reach the counter._ **Plucky** _can’t see over the top._

**Cashier:** (To **Cypress** ) What’ll it be, ma’am?

**Cypress** _looks at the menu._

**Cypress:** (To **Cashier** ) Do you have anything that wasn’t slaughtered?

_The_ **Cashier** _gives her a tray with some lettuce and tomatoes on it._

**Cashier:** (Gesturing to **Plucky** ) Does yer kid want a Happy Baby Puppy Face Meal?

 **Plucky:** (Indignantly) Hey! She’s my girlfriend!

 **Cashier:** (Beat) Okay, Oedipus.

 **Cypress:** (To **Cashier** ) No, he’s right. I’m a girl and I’m his friend.

**Plucky** _folds his arms and grins triumphantly. The camera fades to him sitting at a booth looking annoyed. A Happy Baby Puppy Face Meal sits on the table in front of him._

**Plucky:** (Moping) I could finish an ultra burger if I wanted to!

**Yahoo** _teleports by his side._

**Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) Bet you couldn’t, Dum-Dum. Should I start taking notes on how your breed mates now?

 **Plucky:** (Annoyed) Don’t bother. At this rate, the meal will be over.

_The camera cuts to_ **Cypress** _on the other side of the table, preparing to tuck into her ‘salad’._

**Plucky:** (Out of the corner of his mouth, to **Yahoo** ) Okay, check this out, Spaceman Spiff. Here’s the first stage of how ducks get together. A simple game of footsie.

_The camera cuts to a view under the table._ **Plucky’s** _shorter legs try to reach_ **Cypress’s** _. It’s obvious that he can’t reach her feet.  He slouches down slightly, but while his webbed feet go further forward, he’s not even close. Finally, he slides under the table and puts his two feet directly on the older duck’s._

**Cypress** _gasps in shock and brings her foot down with a crunch. After a beat,_ **Plucky** _emerges from under his side of the table, his head pushed into his vest, making him look like he’s been decapitated._

**Cypress:** (Baffled, to **Plucky** ) What were you doing?

**Plucky** _pulls his head out of his vest. Stars are circling it. He shakes his head to clear it._

**Plucky:** (Groggily) One of my Friendly Frilly Funny Fun Fries fell on the floor. (To the camera) Try sayin’ that ten times faster.

 **Cypress:** (Chuckles) Don’t wanna waste any food, huh? A big boy’s gotta eat. Speaking of which…

_She picks up some salty lettuce and pops it into her mouth. We can hear the faint crunching sounds as she munches on it. After a few minutes, she begins to react._

**Cypress:** (Sensuous) Oh… Oh, god… Oh…

 **Plucky:** (Concerned) You okay?

 **Cypress:** (Sensuous) Oh… Oh, god… Oh… (Gasps) Oh… Oh… God…

**Plucky** _looks around, embarrassed, as the other patrons begin to notice the older duck’s peculiar behaviour. Everyone is now silent._ **Cypress** _throws her head back for a few seconds._

**Cypress:** (Breathless) OH! Oh… Oh, God! Oh… YES! YES! YES!

_She begins pounding her hands on the table, shocking_ **Plucky** _. The food flies in the air each time_ **Cypress** _hits the table._

**Cypress:** (Lustily) YES! AH! OH! OH, YES! YES! YES! OH! YES! YES! YES! OH! (Pants) Oh… Oh, God… Oh…

_She finally calms down, slouching slightly. As soon as she subsides, everyone else gets back to what they were doing._

**Granny:** (To **Cashier** ) I’ll have what she’s having.

**Yahoo** _stares at_ **Cypress** _, his mouth agape. After a beat, he finally finds his voice._

**Yahoo:** (Dumbfounded) That was...interesting. Do female ducks usually react to having their feet touched like that?

 **Plucky:** (Surprised, to **Yahoo** ) What? (Realising, with false bravado) Oh, yeah! That was me. (Dismissively) Okay, ya saw how we mate, now go away.

 **Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) My assignment is far from over, Dum-Dum. I have to observe EVERY phase which builds up to the mating of a male and female duck.

_Before_ **Plucky** _can say any more,_ **Cypress** _speaks. She has calmed down from her episode._

**Cypress:** (Mellow) Man, that was one tasty slice of lettuce!

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Wait until she tries the tomato!

 _He picks up his Happy Baby Puppy Face Meal and opens his mouth, ready to take a bite, when all of the contents fall out and spill onto the table. He rests his chin in his hand for a beat. Then, he looks over at_ **Cypress** _and smirks at the camera._

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) If my feet didn’t impress her, then my hands sure will!

_He extends his right hand over and places it on_ **Cypress’s** _just as she’s about to eat the tomato slice. She instantly recoils at_ **Plucky’s** _touch._

**Cypress:** (In revulsion) Your hand is all slimy!

 **Plucky:** (Surprised) What the?

_He looks at his right hand and the camera cuts to an extreme close-up of it. We can see that it’s covered in tomato ketchup._

**Cypress:** (Sternly) That’s disgusting, Plucky. Go and wash your hands!

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) What?! But you hippies like bein’ dirty!

 **Cypress:** (Indignantly) What’s that supposed to mean?

**Yahoo** _teleports next to_ **Plucky** _, writing something down on a notepad._

**Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) How predictable that you’d mess this up, Dum-Dum.

 **Plucky:** (Through gritted teeth, to **Yahoo** ) Shut up…

 **Cypress:** (Indignantly) What?!

 **Plucky:** (Sheepishly) I was talking to my imaginary friend? (Chuckles nervously)

_He awkwardly stands up._

**Plucky:** (Sheepishly) I’ll, uh, go and wash my...slimy hands…

_He scuttles offscreen._ **Cypress** _wipes her own hands with the napkin, before popping the tomato into her mouth._

 

**Act Five**

**Randy** _looks nervously from side to side as he plods slowly along the sea front._ **Shirley** _is right behind him, covering herself with the dressing gown and holding firmly onto it so that it doesn’t get blown away by the wind which is coming from the sea. We can see that the ram is carrying her egg._

**Randy:** (Nervously) Okay, listen. There’s a good chance that there’s nothin’ in this egg. I, uh, I mean, we could be in the clear.

 **Shirley:** (Nonchalantly) Like, yeah, I guess so.

 **Randy:** (Tentatively) You seem...better. H-Have ya calmed down?

 **Shirley:** (Placidly) Like, I feel fiiiiiiine...or some junk.

**Randy** _holds the egg over his head, preparing to smash it on the pavement. All of a sudden, an unseen force yanks it out of his grasp. The camera cuts to_ **Shirley** _, who is suddenly wide-eyed and raving._

**Shirley:** (Horrified) MURDERER!

_She throws her hands in the air to catch the egg. As she does so, the dressing gown falls down. Just as it falls, a lorry carrying a billboard which has a picture of the_ **Adults Against Funny Cartoons Chairperson** _on it drives past. As soon as the vehicle disappears from the shot, the loon has the gown back on. She is cradling the egg in her arms._

**Shirley:** (Outraged, to Randy) Like, there’s a livin’ thing in this egg!

 **Randy:** (Annoyed) There MIGHT be somethin’ in that egg.

 **Shirley:** (Tearfully) Like, how can you willingly try ta murder whatever’s in this egg, or some junk?

 **Randy:** (Irritated) But ya said it was okay for me ta smash it!

 **Shirley:** (Furious) It was a moment of weakness!

**Randy** _looks as if he’s about to yell at her. He goes red in the face and his nostrils flare…but then he exhales in defeat._

**Randy:** (Exasperated) Let’s get you home. Then, we can forget all about this…crazy trip!

 **Shirley:** (Puzzled) What? But, like, what about us?

 **Randy:** (Dumbfounded) Whadda ya mean?

 **Shirley:** (Hurt) Y-Ya promised that you’d h-help me back home.

 **Randy:** (Annoyed) That’s what I’m doin’!

 **Shirley:** (Upset) What happened to you, Randy? You were a mondo supportive ram, and now…

 **Randy:** (Angrily interrupting) What’s happened ta me?! What happened ta YOU?! When I found ya bawling at that motel, you were actin’ all aloof an’ whiny an’ had NO interest in me, and now because of this stupid egg, ya suddenly wanna be with me?!

**Shirley** _backs off as if the ram is carrying a deadly disease._

**Shirley:** (Tearfully) I thought you were better than Pl-ucky, but yer totally worse!

 **Randy:** (Puzzled) Who’s Plucky?

 **Shirley:** (Tearfully) Green Daffy!

 **Randy:** (Frustrated) Don’t compare me to that loser! At least I have an excuse for bein’ a jerk! I’m a lawyer!

 **Shirley:** (Defensively) Like, Pl-ucky may be a jerk, but even HE would take this egg mondo seriously! Especially if it was HIS egg, or some junk.

 **Randy:** (Frustrated) I don’t care about the egg, I care about the charges!

 **Shirley:** (Sobbing) Like, please don’t leave me! Yer totally the only person in my life right now who cares about me!

 **Randy:** (Scoffs) If ya wanted some sap ta throw his life away so he could be with ya, that’s Hamton’s job.

 **Shirley:** (Angrily) Like, I don’t know you anymore! At least I was able ta tell what Pl-ucky was plannin’! At least I could trust him sometimes!

 **Randy:** Then go back ta him! See if I care!

_The ram turns on his heel and storms offscreen._ **Shirley** _dries her tears and, after a beat, she puts her ear to the egg, listening for sounds of life within._

**Shirley:** (To the camera) Like, what do ya know? There’s nothin’ in the egg, after all!

 

**Act Six**

_We cut to the_ **Happy-Go-Pukey** _at_ **Happy World Land** _. The ride has ended and the patrons are woozily disembarking from the capsules they were in. One of them is being sick into a nearby trash can. As the_ **Attendant** _is about to reset the ride, a purple and pink streak rushes past. This is completely unnoticed. The_ **Attendant** _suddenly stops what he’s doing and sniffs the air._

**Attendant:** (Nonplussed) What the…?

_He continues to find the source of the suspicious smell as the camera slowly pans over to the rocket that the streak had raced out of. A dubious odour is emitting from it. The_ **Attendant** _walks over to the rockets, and doubles up._

**Attendant:** Oh, God! (Coughs) That’s not natural!

_Suddenly, his radio goes off._

**Attendant #2:** (On the radio) Hey, what’s the hold up, we got people waitin’ ta ride!

 **Attendant:** (Speaking into his radio) Somethin’ stinks in one of the rockets! (Hacks)

 **Attendant #2:** (On the radio) It’s a scary ride, one of the customers probably had gas, now reset it!

_For some reason, the_ **Attendant** _has completely recovered from the bad smell and is removing his belt from his trousers._

**Attendant:** (Flustered, into the radio) The Happy-Go-Pukey is now closed.

_He clambers into the stinking rocket and slams the door behind him._

**Attendant #2:** (On the radio, dumbfounded) What?! We got hordes ‘o’ people wantin’ ta…

 **Attendant:** (Bellows into the radio) I SAID THE HAPPY-GO-PUKEY IS CLOSED!

_We cut to the_ **Stairway to Heaven** _, where the customers are fleeing from it in revulsion, whilst some are embracing and kissing. The same effect is happening on all of the other rides, and the pink and purple streak darts to each one. The camera abruptly cuts to a meeting being held by the staff. For some reason, the room is noticeably empty, with only the_ **Manager** _, his_ **Assistant** _and the_ **Attendant** _of the_ **Happy-Go-Pukey** _present._

**Manager:** (Baffled) I don’t understand it! Why does my park stink?!

 **Assistant:** Well, it only has six rides, and…

 **Manager:** (Interrupting) It’s either scaring people off or they’re acting in a manner which should never be shown in a kid’s show!

 **Attendant:** (Defensively) Well, nobody saw me!

 **Manager:** (Scratching his head) There’ve been reports of something pink and purple going to each ride and causing the stink, but what could it be?!

_Suddenly, the park’s mascot,_ **Happy Pill** _, rushes in. He’s carrying a photograph._ **Happy** _speaks in a manner similar to_ **Ed Wynn** _._

**Happy:** (Frantically) Mr Manager! Mr Manager! We found this ride photo on the Happy Centrifuge, don’t ya know!

_He hands it to the_ **Manager** _. We don’t see the photo, but the_ **Manager’s** _eyes pop in shock._

**Manager:** (Horrified) Oh, my goodness! They’re…

_Everyone tilts their head to one side._

**Attendant:** (Beat) At least they smiled for the camera.

 **Manager:** (Suddenly flustered) I’ll consult this photo alone…in the men’s room. This meeting is over!

_He darts offscreen._

**Happy:** (Calling after him) Can I consult it after you, Mr Manager?!

_We fade to the park’s entrance and see_ **Plucky** _and_ **Cypress** _walking towards it. The green duck leaps around excitedly._

**Plucky:** (Ecstatic) Oh, boy! I can’t wait ta go on the Happy-Go-Pukey, an’ then the Gargle…or maybe we’ll go on the Gargle an’ THEN the Happy-Go-Pukey!

**Yahoo** _teleports beside him._

**Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) Aren’t we forgetting the mission, Dum-Dum? How is going to a shamelessly overpriced tourist attraction going to demonstrate how ducks breed?

 **Plucky:** (Smugly) It’s simple. Happy World Land is home ta some ‘o’ the scariest rides anywhere. Cypress is gonna be terrified when she goes on the Happy Centrifuge…an’ the guy who’ll be there ta comfort her is right here!

 **Yahoo:** I assume he was unwell.

 **Cypress:** (To **Plucky** ) As a reward for helping me save the Everglades, as well as finishing your burger AND washing your hands…we can go to this theme park.

 **Plucky:** (Dumbfounded) THIS theme park? This isn’t any old funfair, this is HAPPY WORLD LAND! The greatest theme park in Warner Bros history!

 **Cypress:** (Placidly) I’m glad you like it. I’m not really a theme park toon. You go on all the rides an’ I’ll wait for you here.

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) What? No, no, no! Ya gotta go on ‘em with me!

 **Cypress:** (Cryptically) I don’t wanna know where they keep the bodies… (Sweetly) But thank you for thinking of me.

_As_ **Yahoo** _smirks,_ **Plucky** _desperately thinks of something._

**Plucky:** (Frantically) How about I…I…win a prize for ya?

 **Cypress:** (Aghast) They have shooting galleries?!

 **Plucky:** (Backpedalling) There might be a snack bar!

**Cypress** _ponders this proposal for a beat. Beads of sweat trickle down_ **Plucky’s** _forehead._

**Cypress:** (Perkily) I suppose I could have some more lettuce…perhaps even a whole salad!

 **Plucky:** (Ecstatic) Yeah! Then we can show my imaginary friend how ducks breed!

 **Cypress:** (Astounded) WHAT?!

 **Plucky:** (Beat) I said…we can show my imaginary friend how ducks eat bread?

 **Cypress:** (Chuckles) You sure have a vivid imagination, Plucky.

 **Plucky:** (Relieved) Yeah, I sure do! Now, c’mon, let’s go!

_He grabs her by the hand and pulls her through the entrance. The green duck’s eyes dart from side to side in search of a snack bar. After a few more minutes of running, he realises that the park is pretty much a ghost town. He abruptly screeches to a halt and_ **Cypress** _nearly flies over his head._

**Plucky:** (Baffled) Huh? Wh-Where is everybody? This is Happy World Land! It should be swarmin’ with people with money ta throw away!

 **Cypress:** (Looking around) Maybe it’s closed… (Sniffs, then gags) Has a sewage pipe burst?

_Raising an eyebrow,_ **Plucky** _sniffs the air as well and all of the colours drain from his body._

**Plucky:** (Hacking) What in the name of Chuck Jones is that smell?!

 **Cypress:** (Plugging her nostrils) Maybe that’s why nobody’s here.

_Just as_ **Plucky** _is about to reply, we hear moaning sounds offscreen. The camera cuts to one of the cars on the_ **Tooth Ferry** _. The green duck is about to investigate, when the older duck grabs his shoulder._

**Cypress:** (Admonishing) Now, where d’you think you’re going?

 **Plucky:** (Nonplussed) I’m gonna see what’s moanin’ in the Monorail!

 **Cypress:** (Shaking her head) No you’re not. You shouldn’t talk ta strangers. (Pointing to herself) I’m the adult here, I’ll go. You stay here where it’s safe!

_She walks offscreen, leaving_ **Plucky** _indignant and confused._ **Yahoo** _teleports beside his head._

**Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) Chivalry really is dead.

_We cut to_ **Cypress** _as she walks cautiously towards the stationary monorail and is surprised to see that the windows are steamed up on each one. Squinting her eyes, she wipes the window of the car which the moaning is coming from and peers through it. We do not see what she does, but she looks at the camera with shrunken pupils and a vacant expression._

**Male Voice:** (Offscreen) We don’t know why we’re doing this, son, but it’s perfectly natural!

 **Female Voice:** (Offscreen) Don’t look! Just avert your gaze!

_Still bearing the thousand-yard stare,_ **Cypress** _plods away from the attraction._

**Plucky:** (Running up) Cypress, what did ya see?

**Cypress** _grabs him by the wrist._

**Cypress:** (Screams, to **Plucky** ) GET AWAY FROM THAT MONORAIL!!

_She drags_ **Plucky** _away from it._

**Plucky:** (Puzzled) What? What’s in there? Is it causing the stink?

 **Cypress:** (Flustered) You’ll find out when you’re older!

_Abruptly, the pink and purple streak zooms past them._ **Cypress** _takes_ **Plucky** _in her arms and lifts him off the ground in shock. The green duck’s face is in her chest._

**Cypress:** (Horrified) What was that?!

 **Plucky:** (Muffled) Fear not, my nature loving beauty, I’ll protect you!

 **Cypress:** (To **Plucky** ) I don’t know what it was, but don’t worry. I won’t let it get you! (Desperately) I know ya wanted to come here, but this theme park is not only haunted but it’s inappropriate! We’re getting outta here!

_With_ **Plucky** _still in her arms, she begins to sprint back towards the entrance._ **Plucky** _pulls his face out of her chest._ **Yahoo** _is reclining in mid-air a few inches from his bill._

**Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) You know something, Dum-Dum. I have doubts that you will mate with this female duck. She acts like you’re a big baby, which is rather understandable.

 **Plucky:** (To **Yahoo** ) No! No way! You haven’t won yet! There has ta be somewhere we can kiss or something! Then you can go back to whatever rock in space ya came from!

_He pulls himself free from_ **Cypress’s** _hold and leaps into the air. The female mallard stops running._

**Plucky:** (To **Cypress** ) We’re not goin’ anywhere until we find out where that stink is comin’ from AND after I go on all the rides!

 **Cypress:** (Exasperated) Don’t be silly, Plucky. I know you’re disappointed but I’m tryin’ to protect you! Now, come on!

_She stoops down to pick him up again, but_ **Plucky** _deftly dodges and runs offscreen._

**Plucky:** (Offscreen, to **Cypress** ) You’ll hafta catch me first!

 **Cypress:** (Angrily) Come back here, young man! PLUCKY! (Sighs)

_The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _sprinting through the park._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) I got girls chasin’ me! At this rate, I’ll start kissin’ females other than my mom!

 **Cypress:** (Shouting after him) PLUCKY!! Don’t run off by yourself! You’ll only get yourself lost!

 **Plucky:** (Chuckles, to the camera) Me? Get lost? I know Happy World Land like the back ‘o’ my feathered hand! (Looking around) Now, where am I?

_He stops running and realises that he’s in an unfamiliar part of the park. And all alone._

**Plucky:** (Nonchalantly) Okay, I’m on my own. I don’t know this part of the park and Cypress has no idea where I am. Nothing to worry about.

_He looks around, sweat trickling down his forehead. Finally, he can bear it no longer…and bursts into tears._

**Plucky:** (Bawling) I’M SCARED!! SHIRLEY! CYPRESS! MOMMY!!

**Yahoo** _teleports beside him, holding an umbrella._

**Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) Get a hold of yourself, Dum-Dum. Crying does not breed.

 **Plucky:** (Snivels) But I’m lost! There’s no-one else around!

 **Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) I’m here.

 **Plucky:** (Bawling) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!

 **Yahoo:** (Frustrated) Cease your mewling and listen! If you’re pining for the company of others, there are some people at the theatre.

 **Plucky:** (Stops crying, surprised) Happy World Land has a theatre??

 **Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) And I thought you knew this place like the back of your feathered hand, Pretentious Dum-Dum. (Points to the left) It’s over there.

 

**Act Seven**

_We fade to the theatre._ **Uncle Stinky** _is still holding the staff up with the rifle. A crowd of toons are lining up to go inside._

**Male Staffmember:** (To **Uncle Stinky** ) You’ve been pointing that gun at us for four hours. Just fire it so I won’t feel as scared.

 **Uncle Stinky:** (There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it.)

 **Baloney:** (Nervously) Why are you cancelling my show? Why’re you holding us up? That’s not very nice!

 **Uncle Stinky:** (My nephew and his companion shall be here soon. They have been touring the park as part of their anniversary, and judging by the pungent odour and the frisky behaviour displayed by some of the customers, they’ve been hormonal as well.)

_As if on cue, the pink and purple streak rushes up and stops, revealing it to be_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _. The purple skunkette’s fur is frizzy and the pig’s overalls are dishevelled with one strap undone. They both look exhausted, but satisfied._

**Hamton:** (Content) We went on EVERY ride!

 **Fifi:** (Serenely) Dans more ways zan one!

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Ah, dearest nephew, dearest companion. I am happy that you have enjoyed your celebration and toured the happiest place in Warner Bros history. It seems that you have candidates ready to audition for your mystery show.)

 **Fifi:** (Excitedly) We do?! (Embracing **Uncle Stinky** ) Oh, merci, merci!

 **Hamton:** (Ecstatic, surveying the queue) Oh, boy! We’re gonna make a show!

 **Fifi:** (Happily) Zat we are, mon cher! Now, let us finish our anniversaire on ze, how-you-say, low note et finally make our spinoff!

_The camera abruptly cuts to the interior of the theatre._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _are sat at a table. They look much tidier, now and are both wearing sunglasses. On the table are two polystyrene cups of water, a notepad and a mysterious red button. The stage is empty._

**Fifi:** (Reading from the notepad) Auditioning: Mervin…

 **Hamton:** (Gently correcting her) Merlin…

 **Fifi:** (Calling) Merlin la souris magique!

_The stage is completely empty._ **Fifi** _looks confused. After a beat, she speaks again._

**Fifi:** (Calling) Merlin la souris magique! Eet eez your turn to audition!

_There is no reply._ **Fifi** _lowers her sunglasses and looks at the notepad with confusion._

**Hamton:** (Clearing his throat) Auditioning: Merlin the Magic Mouse!

 _Suddenly, there is a puff of red smoke on the proscenium and_ **Merlin** _stumbles onto the stage from the left wing, choking and spluttering._ **Second Banana** _scuttles_ _behind him._

 **Merlin:** (To **H &F**) It is I! Merlin the Magic Mouse: auditioning to join your show!

 **Fifi:** (Business-like) Vat are vous going to do pour us today?

 **Merlin:** (Matter-of-factly) My assistant, Second Banana, and I are going to perform a death-defying magic act!

 **Hamton:** (Intrigued) What’s that gonna be?

**Second Banana** _pulls a crossbow out of his pocket._

**Merlin:** (Ballyhooing) Second Banana is going to fire an arrow at me. But with a wave of my wand, I shall transform it into a harmless daisy! (Threateningly) If it doesn’t work, then Second Banana is being sold into slavery!

**Fifi** _writes some notes, whilst_ **Hamton** _swallows hard in response to hearing_ **Merlin’s** _audition trick. The camera cuts to_ **Merlin** _standing with his wand at the ready whilst_ **Second Banana** _clumsily aims the crossbow at him. The camera abruptly cuts to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _watching with mingled interest and dread. We hear a TWANG! This is followed by a soft squelch._ **Fifi** _clutches at_ **Hamton** _in horror._

**Merlin:** (Offscreen, screaming) AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!! I’M BLIND!! I’M BLIND!! OH, LOVY, I’M BLIND!! GET IT OUTTA MY BRAIN!!

_We cut to another candidate on the stage. It’s_ **Katie KaBoom** _. She’s singing (or at least trying) a song._

**Katie:** (Screeches) OOOOOOOH, WE’RE HALFWAY THERE! WHOOOOA! (Voice cracks) LIVIN’ ON A PRAYER!! (Coughs) TAKE MY HAN…

 **Fifi:** (Curtly) Zat eez enough, Mademoiselle Caribou…

 **Hamton:** (Gently correcting) Miss KaBoom.

 **Fifi:** (Bluntly) Mademoiselle KaBoom, vous ‘ave no singing talent at all. Vous are not what Hamtone et moi are looking for.

 **Hamton:** (Nervously) Yeah…nothing personal…

 **Katie:** (Tearfully) That wasn’t nice.

_She suddenly loses her temper, transforming into a green T-Rex that towers over the pig and skunk. Her voice is distorted into a roaring growl._

**Katie:** (Demonically) WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MUSIC?! YOU’RE JUST A PAIR OF DUMB ANIMALS!! MY MOM SAYS I SING LIKE A BANSHEE!! DON’T YOU, MOM!!

_The camera cuts to the wings._ **Mr and Mrs KaBoom** _are both cowering there. Their hair has gone white with stress._

**Mrs. KaBoom:** (Sobbing, to **H &F**) Please, just let her on your show!

**Katie** _bears down on_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _and looks like she’s about to swallow them whole, when a tranquiliser dart is fired into her behind. The female teenager turns back into a girl and passes out._

**Hamton:** (Relieved) Thanks, Uncle Stinky!

_As_ **Katie’s** _prone form is dragged offstage by_ **Mr KaBoom** _, a little girl with blonde hair, a red t-shirt and blue jeans wanders on._

**Fifi:** (To **???** ) Bonjour. Vat eez your name?

 **???:** (Tearfully) My name is Robyn Starling.

**Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _look at each other, and then at the notepad._

**Hamton:** (To **Robyn** ) Y-You’re not on the list.

 **Robyn:** (Tearfully) I’m an orphan. My mother died when I was a baby.

 **Fifi:** (Uneasily, to **Robyn** ) Vat are vous going to show us?

 **Robyn:** (Tearfully) I live with my Aunt Figg and her dog Ferdinand. But I know my daddy’s still alive. (To **H &F**) You could help me find him!

**Fifi** _presses the red button and_ **Robyn** _falls through a trap door on the stage._

**Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) They’ll say anything ta be famous.

**Act Eight**

_We cut to the exterior of the theatre, where_ **Plucky** _walks up to the entrance and sees a queue of toons waiting to enter._

**Plucky:** (Bemused) So that’s the theatre. Huh. Never saw it in the brochure… I wonder what’s on.

 **Uncle Stinky:** (You have a lot of nerve coming here after all you’ve done.)

**Plucky** _freezes as he hears this familiar grunting. He turns to see_ **Uncle Stinky** _looking down coldly at him._

**Plucky:** (To **Uncle Stinky** , happily) For the first time in my life, I’m glad ta see you! Where are Feef an’ Hammy?

 **Uncle Stinky:** (They want nothing more to do with you. Don’t even try to talk to them.)

 **Plucky:** (Desperately) No, no, no, ya don’t understand, I wanna say I’m sorry! I’ve been a jerk, I know I have!

 **Uncle Stinky:** (They’re holding auditions in the theatre for a new show. I’ll allow you to see them, but if you try anything…)

 **Plucky:** (Genuinely thankful) No, no, I’ll just say I’m sorry, I promise!

_He races offscreen into the theatre. We see_ **Cypress** _wandering up to the crowd in the distance. We fade to the stage. The_ **Goodfeathers** _are rolling around in a ball of flying fists and feet._

**Pesto:** (Yelling) YA BLEW IT, YA STUPID BOIDBRAIN! WE WAS GONNA HIT DA BIG TIME!!

 **Squit:** All I did was tell them about our experience in that movie with Kim Basinger!

 **Pesto:** (Screams) SHADDAP!!

_The camera pans over to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _, who look tired and fed up. None of the candidates have impressed them._

**Fifi:** (Despondent) Sacré bleu… We do not even ‘ave un idea vat our show eez about mais none of zese people ‘ave given us any ideas!

 **Hamton:** (Comforting her) It’s okay, Feef. Things could be worse!

**Plucky** _sprints in from the wings and kicks the_ **Goodfeathers** _away._

**Hamton:** (Deadpan) That’ll teach me ta tempt fate.

**Fifi** _stands up, pointing at the green duck._

**Fifi:** (Shouts, to **Plucky** ) Get out! Get out of zis theatre tout suite!

 **Plucky:** (Hurriedly) Oh, guys, I finally found you!

 **Hamton:** (Bitterly, to **Plucky** ) Yeah! Now, get lost!

 **Plucky:** (Frantically) Wait, I wanna…!

 **Fifi:** (Vehemently, to **Plucky** ) Vous do realise zat vous are violating your restraining order! Including when vous ruined our work dans musicals!

 **Plucky:** (Tearfully) PLEASE!! Just hear me out!

 **Cypress:** (Offscreen) Leave him alone!

_The pig and skunkette look taken aback as_ **Cypress** _marches up to_ **Plucky** _from the wings._

**Plucky:** (Sniffs) C-Cypress?

 **Cypress:** (Sternly, to **H &F**) You two should be ashamed of yourselves. What’s Plucky ever done to you?

 **Hamton:** (Nervously, to **Cypress** ) I d-don’t mean ta be rude, but…who are you?

 **Plucky:** (To **H &F**) She’s Cypress! My new girlfriend!

**Cypress** _looks down at him in shock._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _gape at them, their jaws hitting the table._

**Cypress:** (To **Plucky** ) Your new…girlfriend?

_There is a long, awkward silence, which is broken by_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _as they burst out laughing._

**Hamton:** (Laughing) Okay, P-Plucky, I’ll give you that! That’s a gasser!

 **Fifi:** (Giggling) ‘Ow can she be your petite amie? She eez old enough to be your soeur!

_They both laugh until they cry. The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _as he goes red in the face._ **Cypress** _has been silent for a while. She finally finds her voice._

**Cypress:** (To **H &F**, sternly) Play nice, you two! (To **Plucky** ) Listen, Plucky. I’m not…

 **Plucky:** (Shouting, at **H &F**) YEAH! GO AHEAD AN’ LAUGH AT ME! If that’s how I’ll make it up to ya, I’ll do it. I’ll do anything!

 **Cypress:** (Warningly) No, Plucky, you don’t have to do this.

_To her surprise,_ **Plucky** _ignores her. The laughing couple calm down._

**H &F: **(Slyly) Anything?

 **Plucky:** (Confidently) Yeah! It’s my way ‘o’ sayin’ sorry for everything I’ve said an’ done!

**Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _share a devilish look._

**Fifi:** (To **Plucky** , sweetly) Punch yourself.

**Plucky** _socks himself in the eye._

**Hamton:** (To **Plucky** , pleasantly) Give yourself a wedgie.

**Plucky** _puts on a pair of pants and pulls them up too tight._

**Fifi:** (To **Plucky** , sweetly) Eat escargot.

**Plucky** _puts a snail in his mouth and swallows it._

**Hamton:** (To **Plucky** , pleasantly) Sit on a cactus.

 **Fifi:** (To **Plucky** , sweetly) Whilst riding un unicycle.

**Plucky** _wheels around on a unicycle, his bottom impaled on a potted cactus sitting on the seat._

**Fifi:** (To **Plucky** , sweetly) Play ze bagpipes.

 **Plucky** _marches on the spot, blowing some bagpipes._ **Hamton** _abruptly snatches them off him and tears them to shreds._

 **Hamton:** (To **Plucky** , pleasantly) Mango juice.

_A mast falls down and flattens_ **Plucky** _. We are suddenly given a montage of_ **Plucky** _doing random things. First, he pulls his bill off and uses it as a hand puppet. Then, he does a tap dance on hot coals. Then, he hammers his thumb with a sledgehammer. Then, he pulls his wisdom tooth out with a wrench. This goes on and on until the montage ends._ **Plucky** _, now a bruised and mangled heap, lies pitifully on the stage._

**Plucky:** (Groggily) Okay…I did EVERYTHING ya wanted me ta do. Am I forgiven, yet?

**Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _shake their heads._

**H &F: **(To **Plucky** , sternly) Now, admit to your mistakes.

**Plucky** _winces. Slowly he gets up to his feet and clears his throat._

**Plucky:** (Feebly, yet sincerely) Hamton… Fifi… I owe the both of you an apology. I have been a jerk to you ever since we set off ta Wisconsin. All I cared about was gettin’ my own show. So much that I took you for granted. The reason I stopped you guys from performin’ at the circus was because I was scared you’d be better than me. And you are. You two do everything together. Ya play music, ya go watch movies, ya probably do loads of other stuff, but I never knew. Because I was too busy thinkin’ about myself. I wanted the two of you ta break up. Because I was jealous of you and angry because you were thinking of making another show instead of mine. You were happier together than I ever was with Shirley. I blew it with her, just as she blew it with you. It’s most likely that I’ll never see her again…but at least there’s a possibility that I’ll see you guys…just so I can let you know that…I don’t care about makin’ a show anymore. I just want ta be friends again. But if you say no, I’ll understand. Who wants ta be with a selfish, pathetic second-rater like me?

_He turns and begins to walk away. As he does so,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _rush up onto the stage and embrace him._

**Hamton:** (Tearfully) You’ve learned the one thing D.D never did.

 **Fifi:** (Tearfully) Apology accepted, vous deuxième banane.

_With tears in his eyes,_ **Plucky** _returns their hug. The camera pans over to_ **Cypress** _, who watches the trio hold each other._

**Cypress:** (Sniffs) He’s growing up.

 _The heart warming moment comes to a sudden end as_ **Randy** _suddenly crashes through the wall behind them._ **Plucky** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _relinquish their embrace in shock!_

 **Randy:** (Furiously, to **Plucky** ) Green Daffy. You are in violation of your restraining order placed upon you by Ms. La Fume and Mr. Pig. It is my duty ta report you to the authorities.

 **Hamton:** (Shocked) Randy?! H-How did ya know Plucky was here?

 **Randy:** (Grimly) Lawyers know everything, Mr. Pig. Now, let me take this dork off your hands!

 **Fifi:** (Hurriedly) Randy, vous do not understand! Plucky ‘as apologised to us! ‘Is restraining order ‘as expired!

 **Randy:** (Irritated) Don’t make things any more difficult, Ms. La Fume! I know Green Daffy well. He’ll go back on his word as soon as he earns yer trust! Leavin’ him alone was the best decision I ever made!

 **Plucky:** (Outraged, to **Randy** ) Wait a minute! You were supposed ta stay with me an’ Shirl even when Hammy an’ Feef were gone! When Shirl ditched me, so did you!

 **Randy:** (Scathingly) Oh, yeah? Prove it!

**Plucky** _takes out a tape recorder and presses the play button. We hear_ **Randy’s** _voice coming from it._

**Randy:** (On the recording) I was assigned to keep an eye on you, Green Daffy, and make sure that you do not make any contact with my clients whatsoever.

 **Plucky:** (Accusingly) When Shirl ditched me, so did you!

 **Randy:** (Defensively) I can’t watch over the both of you at the same time! I was making sure that Ms. Loon didn’t violate her restraining order!

 **Shirley:** (Offscreen, calling) Oh, Raaaaaaandy? Where are you, or some junk?!

_Everybody does a double take and the camera abruptly cuts to the hole in the back of the stage which_ **Randy** _created._ **Shirley** _suddenly wanders through it, carrying her egg._

**Randy:** (Shocked) Shirley!

 **Shirley:** (Shocked) Randy!

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) Shirley!

 **Shirley:** (Shocked) Plucky!

 **Fifi:** (Shocked) Shirley?!

 **Hamton:** (Shocked) Shirley?!

 **Shirley:** (Shocked) Fifi?!

 **Fifi:** (Shocked) Randy!

 **Shirley:** (Shocked) Hamton?!

 **Hamton:** (Shocked) Randy!

 **Baloney:** (Joyful) BALONEY!!

_The orange dinosaur is yanked offscreen by a cane._

**Shirley:** (Flabbergasted) Like, Randy? What is goin’ on here?

 **Fifi:** (Amazed, to **Shirley** ) V-Vous are not Shirley! She eez not as…

 **Hamton:** (Stunned)…Curvaceous.

 **Randy:** (Bitterly, to **Plucky** ) She probably came lookin’ for you. Although I can’t understand why, you can have her! She’s gone crazy.

 **Shirley:** (Tearfully, to **Randy** ) Randy, don’t walk out on me an’ yer kid. He or she won’t know who the father is!

 **Plucky:** (Deadly calm, to **Randy** ) Father? What’s Shirl talkin’ about?

_He suddenly notices the egg the loon is carrying. So do_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _. The three of them all turn to face_ **Randy** _._

**Fifi:** (Angrily) Randy…vat ‘ave vous done?!

 **Randy:** (Defensively) Nothing! It’s part of her growing up…

 **Hamton:** (With disbelief) We were Pig Scouts together! We earned all our badges together! A Pig Scout would never do what you’ve done!

 **Randy:** (Snarky) Yeah, well, a Pig Scout would never go all the way with a girl either. (Gesturing to **Fifi** ) Makes me wish I’d got with her.

**Plucky** _turns red in the face and steam billows out of his ears._

**Plucky:** (Deadly calm, to **Randy** ) You really are a lawyer, aren’t ya?

 **Randy:** (Snarky, to **Plucky** ) Y’know, before she stopped bein’ hot, Shirley was happier with me than she ever was with you.

_This comment gets to_ **Plucky** _, and he rushes towards the ram with murderous intent._

**Cypress:** (Shouts) No, Plucky!

_The much larger ram throws a punch that hits_ **Plucky** _directly in the gut._ **Plucky** _goes flying into the stalls from the impact._ **Cypress** _leaps down from the stage and rushes to his side, whilst_ **Hamton** _stares_ **Randy** _down, snorting angrily._

**Hamton:** (Furiously) HEY! NO-ONE DOES THAT TA MY FRIEND!

_He begins to grapple with his former friend._ **Randy** _looks undaunted by this attack and holds his ground without any trouble._

**Randy:** (Smugly) Remember the time ya brought Fifi to camp? I peeked!

 **Hamton:** (Angrily) If the Scoutmaster could hear ya now!

 **Randy:** (Smugly) Ah, who cares? I only became a Pig Scout so it’d look good on my résumé.

**Hamton** _angrily kicks him in the shin._ **Randy’s** _eyes water but he carries on._

**Randy:** (Mockingly) I wish Fifi had dumped ya, y’know. She’s got a better body than Shirley. Shame that she stinks.

_A green musk cloud suddenly rushes past_ **Hamton** _and hits_ **Randy** _like a tidal wave. The muscular ram is incapacitated by it. He stops wrestling with_ **Hamton** _and covers his eyes._ **Fifi** _tackles him as soon as he does so. With seemingly no effort whatsoever, she pins him down on the floor._

**Fifi:** (Angrily, to **Randy** ) Peeked, did vous?! Stink, do ah?!

 **Randy:** (Frantically) Get off of me! You’re breakin’ my everything!

 **Fifi:** (Dangerously) Ah ‘ave un good mind to break your ‘orn! Ah will teach vous to take advantage of Shirley like zat!

 **Randy:** (Desperately) I have nothin’ ta do with that EGG!!

 **Fifi:** (Angrily) Never ze less! (Suddenly smugly) By ze way…Hamtone did go all ze way avec moi…et ‘e likes my stink. Can vous take eet?

_Before_ **Randy** _can reply, she suddenly wraps her tail around his face and smothers him. The ram struggles for a few moments as_ **Fifi** _releases her musk until he passes out._ **Fifi** _gets off of the prone ram, just in time to see him being lifted into the air by an unseen force and suddenly launched upwards, crashing through the ceiling and out of sight._

**Shirley:** (To **F &H**, nonchalantly) Like, I’m flattered that you guys took care of that creep for me, but he was tellin’ the truth. This egg is empty.

 **Fifi:** (Shocked) Quoi? Mais, eggs are how fowls give…

 **Shirley:** (Nonchalantly interrupting) This particular egg is part of growing up, if ya get my drift.

 **Hamton:** (Beat) Well…that jerk was goin’ against everything the Pig Scouts stand for!

 **Fifi:** (With spirit) Oui!

 **Shirley:** (Suddenly concerned) Like, how’s Pl-ucky doin’?

_The camera cuts to the stalls._ **Plucky** _is being bandaged up by_ **Cypress** _, who kisses his bruise better._

**Shirley:** (Coldly) Like, who is that duck?

_Before either_ **Fifi** _or_ **Hamton** _can answer, a mob of police officers charge into the theatre. The_ **Bulldog** _is among them._

**Bulldog:** (Shouts) T’ere they are!

**Plucky** _, upon recognising the cops, clutches_ **Cypress** _in fear._

**Plucky:** (Horrified) No, no, NO! I said sorry to them! The restraining order’s expired! Don’t throw me in jail!

 **Bulldog:** (To **H &F**) T’both of you are going to the stony lonesome!

 **Hamton:** (Horrified) WHAT?! Fifi an’ I didn’t do anything!

 **Bulldog:** (With a raised eyebrow) Oh no?

_He shows them the photograph that the_ **Manager** _was given._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _both turn red with embarrassment._ **Cypress** _covers_ **Plucky’s** _eyes._

**Fifi:** (Giggles nervously) Eet was our second anniversaire. We are young et foolish…

 **Bulldog:** (Darkly) Tell it t’ the judge. You’re both comin’ wit’ us.

**Plucky** _takes_ **Cypress’s** _hands away from his eyes._

**Plucky:** (Innocently) Can I see the photograph?

 **Cypress:** (Reproachfully) Plucky!

_To her surprise, the_ **Bulldog** _walks over and hands it to him._ **Plucky** _wastes no time in scribbling over it with a green crayon._

**Plucky:** (Shouting) Hey, YAHOO!

_Everybody stares at him oddly, but the blue alien teleports beside the green duck’s head._

**Yahoo:** (Condescendingly) Yes, Dum-Dum?

**Plucky** _shoves the photograph into his face._

**Plucky:** (Hurriedly) Here ya go, a photograph of two ducks breeding, study it well an’ get outta here!

_Before_ **Yahoo** _can reply,_ **Plucky** _seizes him, pulls him back on a slingshot and fires him offscreen._

**Yahoo:** (Screaming as he flies away) These aren’t duuuuuuuuucks…!

 **Plucky:** (Whooping) YES!! I’m free at last!

 **Bulldog:** (Shocked) What happened t’ the evidence?

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Not yet. (To the others) LET’S GET OUTTA HERE!!

_Seizing_ **Cypress’s** _hand, he sprints out of the theatre, followed closely by_ **Shirley** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _. The camera cuts to the five toons running out of_ **Happy World Land** _, with the police in hot pursuit._

**Uncle Stinky** _pulls up in the mobile home and they all dive aboard. The vehicle roars off into the sunset._

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**CREDITS**

 

Written by: **Redtop95**

 

Creative Consultant: **Pepe-K**

 **Cypress Duck** is owned by: **Smallj85**

_We see nothing but blackness. All of a sudden, we hear white noise and we see what looks like an old television being turned on. A blurry image of_ **Montana Max** _appears. He is glaring balefully down at the camera._

**Monty:** (Angrily) What is your problem?! I gave you one job: JUST ONE JOB! Mess up that loser’s chances of making a spinoff, and you can’t even do that! (Shaking his head) I don’t have a place for failures like you. But I’ll find a use for you: ONE WAY OR ANOTHER!

_He moves out of the camera’s focus, to reveal a huge anvil dangling above it. The anvil falls down, getting closer and closer to the camera until we hear a sickening metallic crunch, and the camera goes dead._


	12. Be Afraid...

**THE PLUCKY DUCK SHOW**

**Episode 12**

**Be Afraid**

**Act One**

_The wind howls and shakes the old, dying trees, seemingly trying to pull them out of their roots. The wind also blows the fallen greying leaves, making then perform some sort of twisted and macabre dance. It is a dark night and the sky is patched with thick clouds. Occasionally, the moon appears, but instead of being comforting, it creates eerie shadows from the trees, making them look like malformed demons ready to grasp the lone mobile home that is trundling along the dirt road winding in between them._

_The camera pans down to reveal_ **Plucky** _peeking out of the curtains in the mobile home’s window, his pupils shrunken and moving nervously in every direction they can go as if looking for something that would jump out of the darkness at him when his guard is down. We cut to the interior of the vehicle._ **Fifi** _is sat on the bed reading a romance novel,_ **Hamton** _is making himself a sandwich and_ **Cypress** _is braiding her hair._ **Shirley** _looks noticeably sullen._

 **Plucky:** (Narrating) Spinoff Log: Entry 10. After being stuck with a bratty nephew, a crybaby squirrel, a useless robot and a disparaging extra-terrestrial, I am finally reunited with my friends. And I finally have some mode of transportation. Hammy an’ Feef are friends with me, I got a new gal: Cypress an’ Shirl’s back too. Funny thing, though. Shirl’s been actin’ really weird since we made our heroic escape from the long arms of the law. I wonder why…

 **Hamton** _finishes making his mayo and cream cheese sandwich (on white bread with the crusts cut off) and sits on the bed with_ **Fifi** _._

 **Hamton:** (Casually, to **Plucky** ) Well, after all that excitement at Happy World Land, Feef and I never thanked you for savin’ us! The both of us would be in jail if it weren’t for you! (To the camera) Although it would be nice ta see Stanley again.

 **Fifi:** (Giggles) Oui! Ah would not last cinq minutes zere! Ah am too pretty.

 **Plucky** _doesn’t hear them. He’s still peering out of the window. A leaf suddenly blows onto the glass._

 **Plucky:** (Screams) AAAAAGGGHHH!!

 _He pulls the curtains shut and ducks down, covering his eyes._ **Cypress** _gets up and crosses over to him._

 **Cypress** **:** (With concern) Plucky, what’s wrong?

_She opens the curtain and looks out the window to find that the leaf has blown away._

**Cypress** **:** (Reassuringly) Oh, Plucky. You were scared of nothing!

 **Shirley** _rolls her eyes._

 **Shirley:** (Thinking) Like, I coulda told him that, or some junk.

_Now completely bored, she begins filing her nails. She does this for a few minutes until something catches her attention. Her eyes widen and a look of fear suddenly crosses her face._

**Shirley:** (Spooked, to the group) Like, guys…

_She is suddenly interrupted by a loud BANG! The entire vehicle jolts and shudders violently and comes to a complete stop. There is a long, unbearable silence._

**Uncle Stinky:** (Offscreen) (It appears that we have engine trouble. Perhaps driving along this uneven surface was too much for it. Fear not, my next generation of youths, I shall see to the matter and we shall be continuing to Wisconsin in no time at all!)

 **Shirley:** (Horrified) NO!! DON’T GO OUT THERE!!

_We hear the vehicle door close and there is an incredibly brief silence. Suddenly, the mobile home rocks to one side as something is slammed against it. Everyone jumps and backs away from the wall that was suddenly hit. Then, we hear a bloodcurdling squeal._

**Hamton:** (Screams) UNCLE STINKY!

 **Hamton** _makes a move to get out of the vehicle, but_ **Fifi** _seizes him from behind._

 **Fifi:** (Screams) HAMMY, NO!

 _Despite this,_ **Hamton** _struggles against his girlfriend in a desperate attempt to help his uncle._ **Fifi** _wraps her arms, legs and tail around his whole body in a panicked attempt to stop him._

 _Then, the entire vehicle begins to rock from side to side like a ship in a storm. There are deafening metallic clangs and the walls dent as if something is trying to force its way in._ **Hamton** _falls down with_ **Fifi** _clamped to him, refusing to let go._ **Shirley** _gets to her feet in the nick of time as the refrigerator falls down and crushes the chair she was sitting on. Plates and bowls fall from the cupboards and shatter on the floor. The lights flicker on and off as if whatever’s attacking the mobile home is interfering with the electricity._

 _Amidst the chaos, we can hear the sound of a racing heartbeat growing louder and louder._ **Plucky** _clings onto_ **Cypress** _like a frightened child, his eyes tightly shut in a seemingly hopeless attempt to find sanctuary. Finally, the electricity gives out and the whole mobile home is plunged into darkness._

 _As soon as the violent shaking started, it stops. There is an eerie silence. Then, there is a clicking noise and a flashlight shines a faint light. It’s being held by_ **Cypress** _._

 **Shirley:** (Shaken) It’s gone…

 **Hamton** _wrestles himself out of_ **Fifi’s** _hold and rounds on the loon._

 **Hamton:** (Frenzied, to **Shirley** ) What’s gone?! What was that thing?!

 **Shirley:** (Beat) I…I don’t know…

 **Hamton:** (Desperately) Well, find out!!

 **Fifi:** (Tearfully) Hamtone…

_She puts a hand on her pig’s shoulder to console him, but he throws it off._

**Hamton:** (Angrily, to **Fifi** ) Why did you stop me?! I coulda stopped that…whatever it was!

 **Fifi:** (Tearfully) Listen to moi, Hamtone… Ah did not want to lose tu.

 **Hamton:** (Flabbergasted) Lose me?! LOSE ME?! What about Uncle Stinky?! That thing’s got him and…and…

 _He bursts into tears._ **Fifi** _immediately hugs him to her._

 **Fifi:** (Whispers) Non… No, Hammy, we will find ‘im. Ah promise tu.

 **Plucky:** (Terrified) We’d better! Who else is gonna drive the mobile home?!

 **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _,_ **Shirley** _and_ **Cypress** _glare at him. After a beat,_ **Cypress** _speaks._

 **Cypress** **:** (To **PSH &F**) Now, listen. Next to Uncle Stinky, I’m the only adult here. I’m going out there to look for him. The four of you stay here.

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) What? No, we can’t risk you!

 **Shirley:** (Thinking, sardonically) Like, why not?

 **Cypress** **:** (Sighs, to **Plucky** ) Listen, it’s sweet of you ta say that, but it isn’t safe out there.

 **Shirley:** (Snaps, at **Cypress** ) Well, like, it ain’t exactly safe in here, too!

 **Fifi:** (To **Cypress** ) Oui! Suppose ze…beast comes back?

 **Cypress** _considers this possibility. She looks at the walls, which are now seriously dented. They couldn’t possibly protect the teenage toons from the assailant now._

 **Cypress** **:** (Resolutely) Okay, you guys can come with me. (Sternly) But I want all of you to listen to me. We’re gonna get Uncle Stinky back, but we can only do this if we stay together and we keep our cool. We don’t know what’s out there. We don’t want whatever it is to get us. But it won’t get any of you if I have anything to say about it.

 

**Act Two**

_We cut to the exterior of the mobile home. However, it can be seen in the distance, as if we are viewing it from someone else’s perspective. There is complete silence. No background music, no crickets chirping. The door to the vehicle creaks open and the group emerges one by one._ **Cypress** _takes the lead, shining her flashlight around the area, followed by_ **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _,_ **Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _. The only sounds are the faint crunching sounds made by their feet on the dirt road._

 _The camera suddenly cuts to a close-up of the group, cutting to their perspective._ **Cypress** _walks over to the front of the automobile, and the quartet scuttle after her, not wanting to be left alone in the darkness. Black smoke is emitting from the bonnet, which has a hole gashed through it._

 **Shirley:** (Unnerved) So, like, even if we do save Uncle Stinky, we totally ain’t goin’ anywhere or some junk.

 **Cypress** **:** (Briskly) Then we’ll just have to wait until morning an’ find somewhere that’ll fix it.

 **Plucky:** (Nervy) If we make it to the morning…

_They all turn to face him in silence. Nobody speaks. They don’t want to offer false hopes._

**Hamton:** (Looking around) There must be some tracks we can follow. Whatever kidnapped Uncle Stinky must’ve left a trail!

 **Cypress** _shines her flashlight on the ground. There doesn’t seem to be any sign of a struggle nor any signs of a large pig that has been helplessly dragged away._

 **Fifi:** (Clearing her throat) Ah am going to go out on ze limb et say zat Oncle Stinky was taken…dans zat direction.

_She points to the dead woods at the side of the dirt road. We cut to a view of the group walking through the forest from the trees. The only sounds that can be heard are the leaves crunching under their feet. Occasionally, the camera is briefly overwhelmed by the lens flare of the flashlight._

**Hamton:** (Calling) Uncle Stinky?!

_There is a beat._

**Fifi:** (Calling) Oncle Stinky?!

 **Cypress:** (Sharply) Everybody stay together!

 **Plucky:** (Narrating) Spinoff Log: Final Entry. Uncle Stinky has been taken away by God knows what. We’ve gone ta look for him but let’s be honest, there’s no way we can face off against…whatever it is. We are all goin’ ta die. At least I made up with Hamton an’ Fifi before…

 _There is a brief sound of rushing air, the grass rustles and the group stops in their tracks. The racing heartbeat begins once more. Despite her fear,_ **Shirley** _seems to be concentrating. Finally, the heartbeat subsides._

 **Shirley:** (Hushed) Like, mondo close…

 **Cypress:** (Beat) Okay, this is getting way too dangerous. The four of you go back to the mobile home.

 **Hamton:** (Indignant) No way! We gotta get Uncle Stinky back!

 **Cypress:** (Exasperated, to **Hamton** ) Listen to me…

 **Hamton:** (Angrily) Pig Scouts don’t leave their friends or family behind. If you think I’m gonna walk out on my uncle, you’ve got another thing coming!

 **Cypress:** (Almost desperately) It’s not that simple! None of you understand how much peril you’re in! You must go back, you’ll be safer there!

 **Fifi:** (Determined, to **Cypress** ) Hammy eez right, Mademoiselle. Oncle Stinky means a lot to us. We are not going to, how-you-say, sit around on our derrieres while vous risk your life wandering around dans ze darkness et just waiting pour ze creature to attack. Eef vous are going, so are we.

 **Plucky:** (Nervously) There’ll be more morsels for the creature to snatch…

 **Cypress** _, who is becoming increasingly stressed with both_ **Fifi’s** _and_ **Hamton’s** _refusals to co-operate with her, rounds on the green duck._

 **Cypress:** (To **Plucky** , furiously) Shut up! Just shut up! You’re not helping. All you’re doin’ is making us more afraid of nothing!

 **Shirley:** (Tensely) Like, hush!

 _There is an unbearable silence._ **Fifi** _grabs her tail and fearfully holds it in front of her like a gun._ **Hamton’s** _hands ball into trembling fists. He is not only frightened, but preparing to fight for his and everyone else’s lives. All of a sudden,_ **Shirley** _rushes offscreen into the darkness._

 **Fifi:** (Horrified) Shirley!

 **Cypress:** (Panicking) No, no, no, no, no!

 _She begins to run after the blonde loon, followed closely by_ **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Plucky** _. We cut to a view of the group rushing deeper into the woods from the branches of a tree._

 **Cypress:** (Screaming) SHIRLEY!! SHIRLEY!! COME BACK HERE!! (Almost sobbing) WE NEED TO STICK TOGETHER!!

 **Shirley** _ignores her. It seems as if she’s no longer fearful of the dead forest or the huge abyss of the blackness. There is an orange glow in the distance which grows larger and larger as the loon gets closer and closer._

 _Suddenly,_ **Shirley** _is seized from behind by_ **Cypress** _and brought to a halt. The three other toons collide with them and they all fall down a few inches in front of a campfire. Three shadowy figures scream and run away in fear…and_ **Babs Bunny** _emerges from a nearby bush._

 **Babs:** (Irritated) We weren’t ready, yet!

 _One of the figures stalks back. In the fire’s glow, he reveals himself as_ **Buster Bunny** _._

 **Buster:** (Defensively) That wasn’t our fault, these bums just…

 _He freezes upon recognising the four toons lying on the ground._ **Plucky** _swallows hard and gives him a terrified, sheepish grin._ **Babs** _walks over to join_ **Buster** _, her expression just as mystified._

 **Buster:** (In disbelief) Plucky? Hamton?

 **Babs:** (Surprised) Fifi? (To **Shirley** ) Who are you?

 **Shirley:** (Irritated) Like, I’m Shirley!

 **Babs:** (Dumbfounded) You’re not Shirley! She’s not as…

 **Buster:** (Stunned) Curvaceous.

 _There is a beat, before the two boys and two girls jump to their feet and rush over_ **Buster** _and_ **Babs** _respectively._

 **BS &F: **(With glee) HI-YEEEE!

 **Babs:** (Tearfully, to **S &F**) Oh, where have you been? I’ve been goin’ crazy without anyone ta share my gossip with! (Out of the corner of her mouth) Don’t get me wrong, I love Buster, but sometimes, a girl’s gotta hang out with other girls, am I right?

 **Buster:** (Joyfully, to **P &H**) Aw, man, it’s so great ta see you guys! I haven’t had anyone ta play soccer with in weeks! (Out of the corner of his mouth) Don’t get me wrong, I love Babsie, but sometimes, a guy’s gotta hang out with other guys, am I right?

 **Cypress** _, who had held back mostly so that she could hide the fact that she had been completely terrified, speaks up._

 **Cypress:** (Clears her throat, to **PSH &F**) Are these two bunnies…friends of yours?

 **Babs** _and_ **Buster** _halt their individual catch-ups and turn their attention to the older duck._

 **Babs:** (Awkwardly) Uh, hi there. Who are you?

 **Cypress:** (With false confidence) I’m Cypress. I see you’re friends with Plucky.

 **Babs** _turns to_ **Plucky** _in disbelief. The green duck sweats._

 **Plucky:** (Thinking) Outta the fryin’ pan an’ into the fire.

 **Buster:** (Suspiciously, to **Cypress** ) We’ve never seen you before. Ever been ta Acme Acres? (To **PSH &F**) For that matter…where have you guys been?

 **Plucky** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _look nervously at each other._ **Shirley** _just looks annoyed._

 **Plucky:** (Apprehensive) Professor Bugs received a letter from my aunt in Wisconsin invitin’ me ta come an’ visit her, so that’s what we’re doin’.

 **Babs:** (With a raised eyebrow) “We”? (To **Plucky** ) If she’s YOUR aunt, then why are Shirl, Feef an’ Hammy goin’?

 **Plucky:** (Voice breaking) Well, they’re my friends an’ she wanted ta meet ‘em!

 **Buster:** (With mock shock) B-But Babs an’ I are yer friends, too! Why weren’t we invited?

 **Plucky** _looks helplessly at_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _. All he gets off them is a shrug._

 **Shirley:** (Thinking) Oh, fer the love of… (To **Buster** and **Babs** ) Plucky wants ta make his own show, so he’s goin’ ta Warner Bros Studios as well as his aunt’s. Fifi wants ta become the network president so she an’ Hamton decided ta go there ta propose that they make a spinoff starrin’ the four of us.

_The jaws on the two bunnies hit the ground._

**PF &H: **(Horrified) SHIRLEY!

 **Shirley:** (Touchy) Oh, don’t act so surprised. They were gonna find out sooner or later or some junk.

 **Buster:** (Faintly, to **PSH &F**) Y-You’re goin’ rogue. (Angrily) You’re ditching us!

 **Babs:** (Bawling) SAY IT AIN’T SO-HO-HO-HO!!!

 **Fifi:** (Nervously) Now, listen, Babs, zis eez not vat vous think…

 **Buster:** (Furiously) You thankless jerks! Bitin’ the hands that fed ya! Do you have ANY idea how things have gone since you all went gallivantin’ off on yer little trip?! Do ya realise how close we are ta bein’ on Toonywood Squares?!

 **Fifi:** (Desperately) Non, we do not, mais…

 **Babs:** (With tearful anger) This episode we’re workin’ on was supposed ta star the six of us, but since you four deserters weren’t here, we had ta improvise an’ have some hopeless hacks take yer roles!

 **Sweetie Pie** _and_ **Mary Melody** _emerge from the bush that_ **Babs** _had been hiding in._ **Byron Basset** _and_ **Lightning Rodriguez** _walk up to the fire._

 **Sweetie:** (Bitterly, to the camera) Gotta pay the bills somehow.

 **Mary:** (Sighs) I hate my life.

 **Lightning:** (Disgruntled, to the camera) Quiero morir.

 **Byron:** Woof.

 **Buster:** (To **Plucky** ) Why’d ya take Hammy, Feef an’ Shirl, Plucky? If ya wanted ta make yer own show, ya coulda worked with Lightning!

 **Plucky:** (Beat) That generic mouse has a name?

 **Hamton:** (Clears his throat, flustered) Yeah, well, that’s not important right now. (To **Buster** and **Babs** , worried) Have you two seen Uncle Stinky?

 **Babs:** (Sheepishly) I’ve seen a photo of him…

 **Hamton:** (Exasperated) No, no! Have ya seen him while you were shootin’ the episode?!

 **Buster:** (Looking around) Is he here, too? (Sniffs the air) Funny, all I can smell is Fifi.

 **Fifi:** (Gravely) Zis eez serious, mes amis. Oncle Stinky was taken away by un beast. We ‘ave been trying to find ‘im.

 **Plucky:** (Darkly) Or what’s left of him.

 **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _turn to glower at him._ **Cypress** _puts her hand on the green duck’s shoulder and shakes her head warningly._

 **Mary:** (Helpfully) The only monster around here is One-Eyed Jack.

 **Babs:** (Eagerly) Yeah! He’s the baddie of this episode that YOU guys were supposed ta be in!

 **Hamton:** (Quietly) One-Eyed Jack?

 **Buster:** (Happily) Yeah! Grab yourselves some marshmallows an’ I’ll tell ya the story!

 **Hamton** _seizes him by his red shirt and gets face to face with him, snorting angrily._

 **Hamton:** (Furiously) Cut the exposition an’ tell me where my uncle is!

 **Fifi** _puts a hand on his shoulder to calm him down._

 **Buster:** (Gulps) Easy now, Hammy. The truth is…

 **Babs:** (Guiltily) …We dunno what happened to your uncle. His disappearance has nothin’ ta do with us!

 **Sweetie:** One-Eyed Jack is just some tacky costume.

 **Lightning:** (Eerily) Ten cuidado con el monstruo que nunca había visto.

_Everyone stares at the Mexican rodent._

**Buster:** (Out of the corner of his mouth, to **Babs** ) What did he say?

 **Babs:** (Ponders) Something about cicadas.

 **Hamton:** (Sighs) We gotta keep lookin’ for him. (To **B &B**) Could you guys help us look for him, please?

 _The two bunnies smile sympathetically and nod their heads._ **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Shirley** _look relieved._

 **Babs:** (Genuinely) Of course, Hammy. We’re all friends here an’ helpin’ each other out is what friends do. If we work together, we’ll get Uncle…

 **Plucky** _suddenly pushes_ **Hamton** _aside to face_ **Buster** _and_ **Babs _._**

 **Plucky:** (Haughtily) Wait a minute, Hammy. We don’t need help from some lousy rabbits!

 **Buster:** (Shocked) What’s that supposed ta mean?

 **Plucky:** (Loftily) Well, since our secret’s in the open… (Bitterly, to **Shirley** ) …‘Cos of Lady Loose Lips. (To **Buster** ) I’m not havin’ you scene-stealers take over MY show! We can rescue our chauffeur without you!

 **Babs:** (Shocked) Plucky?! We gotta lend a paw in rescuing Uncle Stinky!

 **Plucky:** (Snidely, to **B &B**) Not you. (Gesturing to **SHF &C**) Us. (Dismissively) You losers get back ta work on yer episode, an’ I’ll get back ta work on my…supernatural found footage one! Once we find our driver, we’ll be outta… (Sniggers) Yer hare!

 **Fifi:** (Outraged) Ah do not believe vat ah am ‘earing! (To **Plucky** ) Buster et Babs are offering to ‘elp us, et we need all ze ‘elp we can get! Vat eez more important to vous? Your pride or ze life of un family member?

 **Plucky:** (Forebodingly) That depends whether the family member isn’t at the mercy of some unseen creature that…

 _He is interrupted as a dirt clod hits him in the face and knocks him down. The camera cuts to_ **Sweetie** _, who shrugs at the camera._

 **Cypress:** (Speaking up) Y’know, since you guys all know each other, I think it would be a good idea if you all stayed here…where it’s SAFE and I go find Uncle Stinky.

 **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _turn to glower at her._

 **Cypress:** (Tetchily, to **H &F**) Now, don’t look at me like that. I know Uncle Stinky means a lot to the both of you, but I can’t have you just go traipsing off into the darkness when there’s something lurking out here that wants ta kill you!

 **Fifi:** (Suspiciously, to **Cypress** ) Eet eez funny, no? Vous seem to ‘ave taken command of us, et we ‘ave only known vous pour un day…

 **Shirley:** (Angrily, to **Cypress** ) Like, yeah! How come yer the boss of us, now, or some junk?

 **Cypress:** (Angrily) Because…I’m the oldest out of all of us! I know better, and I say that the four of you…stay…here…now!

 **Plucky:** (Defensively, to **S &F**) Whoa, whoa, leave her alone! Maybe Cypress has a point! Why make our demises much quicker?!

 **Hamton:** (Vehemently, to **Plucky** ) Oh, so if yer willin’ ta leave one ‘o’ my family members for dead, you’re willin’ ta let your so-called girlfriend get devoured?!

 **Shirley:** (Dumbfounded) Girlfriend?

 **Buster** _,_ **Babs** _,_ **Mary** _,_ **Sweetie** _and_ **Lightning** _try not to laugh despite this confrontation._ **Shirley** _, however, looks slightly pained by this revelation._

 **Shirley:** (Bitterly) She’s totally got a point. We’ll stay here…where it’s totally safe.

 **Cypress:** (Shouts) FINE! (To **PSH &F**) If it’ll stop your whining, we’ll ALL put ourselves in danger! But don’t come cryin’ ta me if whatever’s out there snatches you away!

 _She suddenly grabs_ **Shirley** _by the wrist._

 **Cypress:** (To **Shirley** , sternly) You’re stayin’ where I can see you. Your running away nearly got us killed, and I’m not havin’ any more near misses.

_The group walks offscreen, their former cast members watching them go._

**Babs:** (Chuckles nervously) Good luck, you guys… If we see Uncle Stinky, we’ll holler!

 _None of them reply._ **Buster** _and_ **Babs** _look at each other nervously, silently fearing for their friends’ lives._

**Act Three**

_Deep heavy breathing punctuates the eerie silence. Whether it is coming from the quintet or something else is up to the viewer’s imagination. The moon emerges from a gap in the clouds, making the surroundings look more gloomy than comforting._

**Cypress:** (Looking around) Can anybody see him? Just keep looking but STAY together!

 **Plucky:** (Narrating) Everyone’s on edge. One of us is goin’ ta go. But who?

 **Fifi** _has been alongside_ **Hamton** _for quite some time, but she suddenly stops and sniffs the air. Nobody else notices her doing so._

 **Fifi:** (Musing) Vat eez zis? (Sniffs the air, beat) Oncle Stinky?

_There is a beat as she sniffs the air once more. She grins excitedly._

**Fifi:** (Ecstatic) Hammy! Ah think ah may ‘ave…

 _Her voice trails off and her joy evaporates as she realises that she’s all alone._ **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Cypress** _are nowhere to be seen. A twig snaps. The skunkette jumps and aims her tail blindly as if it’s a gun. The silence is deafening._

 **Fifi:** (Scared, sings) Frére Jacques, Frére Jacques, dormez-vous? Dormez-vous? Sonnez les matines, sonnez les matines, ding, dang, dong…ding, dang, dong.

 _The camera cuts to a shot of an unseen entity’s perspective as it rushes up to_ **Fifi** _in the darkness. The skunkette turns around as the camera reaches her._

 _The camera suddenly cuts to_ **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Cypress** _. There is a bloodcurdling scream that echoes through the night._ **Cypress** _wheels round,_ **Plucky** _clings to her and_ **Shirley** _and_ **Hamton** _look horrified upon realising that_ **Fifi** _is gone._

 **Shirley:** (Shocked whisper) Oh no…

 **Hamton:** (Bellows) FIFI!!

 _Before_ **Cypress** _can stop him, the pig sprints back into the blackness._

 **Hamton:** (As he runs) FIFI?!

 **Fifi:** (Hysterically sobbing) HAMMY!! AIDEZ-MOI, PLEASE!!

 **Hamton:** (Despairingly) WHERE ARE YOU?!

 _The camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _lying on her belly, her claws digging into the soft earth. Something is dragging her into the woods. Her eyes are full of tears; she is wild-eyed with pure horror._

 **Hamton:** NOOOOO!!

_The pig dives to her, seizing her by the paws and trying to pull her free of the unseen abomination’s grasp._

**Hamton:** (Half-shouting, half-sobbing) YOU ALREADY TOOK MY UNCLE! YA CAN’T HAVE FIFI!! LET HER GO!!

 **Fifi:** (Wailing) DO NOT LET EET GET MOI! DON’T LET GO!!

 **Hamton:** (Bellows) USE YER STINK, FIFI! USE…YOUR…STINK!!

 **Fifi:** (Bawling) AH ‘AVE!! EET DOES NOT WORK ON EET!!

 **Hamton:** (Frenzied) DON’T WORRY, FIFI! I WON’T LET IT GET YOU!

 _It seems like he is about to pull his skunkette free of the creature’s hold, but_ **Cypress** _suddenly grabs hold of him and pulls him away. The camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _being swallowed by the darkness._

 **Fifi:** (Shrieks) HAAAAAAAAAMTOOOOOOOOOOOONNNE…!!

 **Hamton:** (Yelling) FIFI!!

 _The young pig desperately tries to wriggle himself free of_ **Cypress’s** _vise-like hands, but to no avail._

 **Hamton:** (Tearfully, to **Cypress** ) Let me go… (Roars) LET ME GO!

 **Cypress:** (Panting heavily) There’s nothing you can do… she’s gone.

 **Hamton:** (Intensely) Don’t say that!

 **Cypress:** (To **P &S**) Let’s get away from here, we have to press on…

 _To everybody’s surprise,_ **Hamton** _suddenly elbows the older duck in the face. Recoiling, she lets go of him, and he falls down on the ground._

 **Hamton:** (With angry tears, to **Cypress** ) Y-You may have given up on Fifi an’ my uncle, but I won’t stop until I get them back, with or without you!

 _The pig turns on his heel and flees into the blackness after_ **Fifi** _._ **Cypress** _, her eyes watering, is about to shout, but_ **Shirley** _speaks first._

 **Shirley:** (Stolidly) Like, let him go.

 **Cypress:** (Shocked) What?? (To **Shirley** ) But that monster will…

 **Shirley:** (Icily, to **Cypress** ) At least Hamton won’t give up when someone he cares about is taken away, or some junk.

 **Cypress:** (Baffled) I wasn’t giving up, I was tryin’ to protect him!

 **Shirley:** (With bitter tears) YOU let that creature get my best friend. She coulda been saved if it hadn’t been for YOU. An’ I never got a chance ta apologise to her.

 **Plucky:** (Gulps) An’ now I’ll never see MY best friend again…

 **Shirley** _rounds on him._

 **Shirley:** (Angrily, to **Plucky** ) Do ya really mean that, or do ya want that thing ta kidnap him?!

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) What? No! I said sorry to ‘em!

 **Shirley:** (Vehemently) Ya keep talkin’ about how this creature is gonna snatch us all away! Yer not exactly helpin’, are ya?!

 **Cypress:** (To **Plucky** ) I will admit she has a point, there.

 **Shirley:** (Acridly, to **Cypress** ) Oh, shaddap. You an’ Plucky are perfect fer each other. Yer more concerned about savin’ yer own hides. Go back to the mobile home an’ cower together. I’m gonna get our “chauffeur” an’ my friends back.

 **Cypress:** (Shaking her head) D-Don’t be silly, you can’t possibly…

 **Shirley:** (Snaps) I can take care of myself, or some junk!

 _She closes her eyes in concentration and, after a beat, a bauble of light appears in front of her._ **Shirley** _uses it as a torch and stalks away in the same direction as_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _._

 **Shirley:** (As she goes) Like, Hamton might’ve caught up ta Fifi. If that monster knows what’s good for it, it WON’T have captured him, too…

 **Plucky** _is about to go after the blonde loon when he hears the gentle sound of sobbing. He turns around and does a double take upon seeing_ **Cypress** _in tears. He rushes to her side._

 **Plucky:** (With concern) Cypress, what’s the matter, we gotta stop Shirl before…

 **Cypress:** (Softly) No…I’m not losing you too.

 **Plucky:** (Shrugging) It’s okay, we’ll get nabbed sooner or later!

 **Cypress:** (Screams, at **Plucky** ) STOP TORMENTING ME!

_The green duck recoils in shock!_

**Cypress:** (Half-hearted) I-I’m sorry. (Sniffs) I’m just stressed.

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled) B-But you’re a hippy! Yer supposed ta be mellow an’ calm!

 **Cypress:** (Tearfully) There’s no time for that. I have to be responsible.

 **Plucky:** (Beat) Responsible? I…don’t understand.

 **Cypress:** (Sighs) Don’t you see? I’m tryin’ to look after you guys. You’re my responsibility!

 **Plucky:** We are? But ya don’t hafta look after us!

 **Cypress:** (Sniffs) Yes, I do. I’m the oldest. I’m an adult now. I hafta make sure that you guys don’t get in any danger…an’ I’ve failed.

 **Plucky:** (Baffled) Then, why did ya become a hippy?

 **Cypress:** (Ashamed) Because I was afraid. I didn’t want ta BE responsible. It scared me. Bein’ a hippy was the best way to live without a care in the world. Lookin’ after the environment was easier than lookin’ after livin’ things. (Sobbing) Your friends are gone because of me!

 **Plucky:** (Comforting) But…But Feef, Hammy an’ Shirl could still be okay! They might’ve rescued Uncle Stinky an’ be on their way back here!

 **Cypress:** (Sniffs) You remember what that…whatever it was did to the mobile home. You guys are only kids, you won’t even be able ta save yourselves.

 **Plucky:** (Indignantly) We’re not kids! We’re teenagers!

 **Cypress:** (Sighs) You have a lot to learn, Plucky.

 

**Act Four**

_We fade to_ **Shirley** _wandering through the forest, using the light bauble to guide herself. The faint sounds of dead leaves crunching under her webbed feet can be heard._

 **Shirley:** (Thinking) Like, heeeere, monster, monster, monster. Come out, come out, wherever you are, or some junk.

_She closes her eyes in concentration. After a beat, she opens them._

**Shirley:** (Curses) Like, darn! There’s no auras in this part ‘o’ the woods! I can only hope it’s not got Hamton…

_She gets in the lotus position._

**Shirley:** (Chants) OhwhataloonIam… OhwhataloonIam…

 _Her_ **Aura** _, a ghostly pink version of herself emerges from her body, glowing dully in the dark._

 **Shirley:** (Commanding, to **Aura** ) Like, scout out the rest of the forest. If ya find the monster, come straight back.

 _The_ **Aura** _salutes with the peace sign, before flying away further through the natural labyrinth._

 _We cut to_ **Hamton** _searching madly for his loved ones. His cheeks are wet with tears, and thorns have scraped his pigskin and torn his overalls slightly._

 **Hamton:** (Yelling out) FIFI!! UNCLE STINKY!!

_His screams echo through the area. There is no reply._

**Hamton:** (Whispers) Please be okay…

 _We cut to a view of the pig from behind a tree._ **Hamton** _hears the snap of a twig and freezes. He slowly clenches his fists, preparing for a fight._

 **Hamton:** (Shouting) Come out an’ fight like a hog! I’ll give ya somethin’ ta fear!

 _The woodland is silent and still. Sweat rolls down_ **Hamton’s** _forehead._

 **Hamton:** (Frightened) A Pig Scout remains calm, even when he is in mortal peril. A Pig Scout will always help someone in distress, even if his very life depends on it.

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen, weakly) Hamtone?

 **Hamton** _does a double take._

 **Hamton:** (Shocked) Fifi?

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen, weakly) Hamtone, eez zat tu?

 **Hamton:** (Joyfully, in tears) Yes, Yes, it’s me! Where are you?

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen, desperately) Non, Hamtone! Go! Save yourself!

 **Hamton:** (Angrily) What? No! I’m not leavin’ without ya!

 _He begins to run blindly, his eyes darting around, searching for the skunkette. Suddenly, the camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _sitting near a dead tree stump, slightly shrouded in darkness._

 **Hamton:** (Ecstatically) Fifi!

_The pig rushes towards her, but she holds out her hands in a gesture that stops him._

**Fifi:** (Hushed, tearfully) Non! Go away!

 _This stops_ **Hamton** _in his tracks. We see the_ **Aura** _appear in the background, its eyes closed in concentration. Suddenly, its eyes snap open in horror, and it zooms offscreen._

 **Hamton:** (Confused, in tears) Fifi? Wh-What’s the matter? I-I came ta save you.

 **Fifi:** (Sobbing) Tu…Tu do not understand. Zat…Zat eez vat eet wants!

 **Hamton:** (Realisation dawning) What it wants?

_We cut to a view of the camera rushing towards the pig from behind, like a predator about to grasp its prey._

_We abruptly cut to_ **Shirley** _still sitting in the lotus position in deep thought. Her_ **Aura** _soars towards her and enters her body, jarring her eyes open._

 **Shirley:** (Grimly) It’s close by…

_A look of horror crosses her face upon hearing a hair-raising squeal echo out through the forest._

**Fifi:** (Offscreen, shrieks) NON!! LEAVE ‘IM ALONE!!

 **Shirley:** (Petrified) Like, Feef! Hammy!

 _The camera cuts to the clearing where_ **Hamton** _had found_ **Fifi** _. It is now empty and eerily silent._ **Shirley** _rushes into focus, carrying two balls of electricity in her hands and preparing for the fight._

 **Shirley:** (In dismay) Darn! I’m too late! (Closing her eyes) Okay, monster…I totally know yer here. Let my friends go, an’ I won’t zap you as badly.

 _The racing heartbeat begins to sound once more, growing louder and louder, as_ **Shirley** _attempts to search for the beast telepathically. Suddenly, a flesh pink hand bursts out of the soil and seizes the loon by the leg._

 **Shirley:** (Shrieks) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!

_In panic, she wrenches her leg out of the hand’s grip, and prepares to zap it into oblivion, before recognising it._

**Shirley:** (Surprised) Hamton?

 _She gets down on her knees and begins to claw at the earth in a desperate attempt to dig the porcine out._ **Hamton’s** _hand begins to sink back into the ground._

 **Shirley:** (Furiously) NO YOU DON’T!

 _As a last-ditch effort, she seizes her friend’s hand and tries to pull him free. Her_ **Aura** _emerges from her body, shaking her head and trying to get her host to stop what she is doing._ **Hamton’s** _hand abruptly shoots down into the ground, taking the loon with it. The_ **Aura** _is left behind, staring at the spot where her host was taken._

**Act Five**

_We fade to the battered, broken mobile home, still stood on the dirt road. It’s in complete darkness, but_ **Plucky** _and_ **Cypress** _are now inside. She’s now tucking him into the bed._

 **Cypress:** (Trying to be comforting) Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna have a good night’s sleep right here, where it’s safe.

 **Plucky:** (Ambiguously) Although the mobile home was the first thing the monster attacked, it also captured Uncle Stinky and cut the power…

 **Cypress:** (Sharply interrupting) WHERE IT’S SAFE. I’ll call the police in the morning, we’ll report the disappearances of Uncle Stinky, Fifi, Hamton and Shirley and everything will be alright again. Now, try to get some sleep.

 **Plucky:** (Piteously) I can’t…I’m scared.

 **Cypress:** (Beat) There’s no need to be. There has to be a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this. If there’s a monster out there, how come we’ve never seen it so far? How come your friends at that campfire didn’t see it? There are some terrible people in the world. Maybe one of them is this ‘monster’ ya keep talking about.

 **Plucky:** (Afraid) That didn’t comfort me at all.

 **Cypress:** (Sighs) How about I sing you a lullaby?

 **Plucky:** (Pondering) Uh… (Uneasily) Okay…

 **Cypress** _sits upright, trying to think of what to sing. After a short pause, she decides._

 **Cypress:** (Sings) They say we’re young and we don’t know. We won’t find out until we grow.

 **Plucky’s** _eyes light up as he recognises the tune. It’s the same song he parodied in his theme tune._

 **Cypress:** (Sings) Well, I don’t know if all that’s true, ‘cause you got me and baby, I got you.

 _Before she can sing the chorus,_ **Shirley’s Aura** _suddenly flies into the darkened vehicle, startling the two waterfowl due to how it lights up everything._

 **Cypress:** (Bemused) That is one weird lookin’ firefly.

 **Plucky:** (Sitting up) Wait a minute…that’s Shirl’s Aura!

 **Cypress:** (Shaken) All this stress is making me hallucinate…

 **Plucky:** (Excited) No, I see it, too! (Reminiscing) The last time I saw it was when I peeked at her in the locker room after the Acme Bowl… (Beat, suspicious) Wait, what’s it doin’ here without Shirl?

 _The_ **Aura** _is waving her arms in panic, trying to tell_ **Plucky** _what has happened in pantomime._ **Cypress** _just stares at it, perplexed, but the green duck seems to understand what she is telling them._

 **Plucky:** (Nodding his head) Yeah…yeah… It hides in the darkness…you can’t determine what it is… (Dismayed) Oh, no! It got Shirl?! (To **Cypress** ) We gotta rescue them!

 **Cypress:** (Angrily) No, we don’t! It’s too dangerous out there and I’M in charge here!

 _The_ **Aura** _hasn’t finished, yet. The pupils in_ **Plucky’s** _eyes shrink and the colour drains from his body._

 **Plucky:** (Hushed) We’re next.

_There is a deafening crashing sound and the mobile home begins to convulse once more. This time, however, it appears to be sinking. The metal groans in protest and the glass in the windows begins to crack._

**Cypress:** (Screams) The ground’s unstable!! We must be on a sinkhole!!

_The walls of the vehicle seem to be closing in on them as it moves downwards into the sudden split in the dirt road._

**Plucky:** (Narrating) Well, I never thought it would end this way. My friends are all gone… and I didn’t get to say goodbye. Now my time has come. I’m not sure how Cypress an’ I will go. Our choices are bein’ mauled by the monster or being crushed or suffocated by this transportation. End of Spinoff Log…and Life.

_We sharply cut to black and hear the sounds of the vehicle being destroyed offscreen._

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**…RIGHT NOW.**

**Act Six**

_There is nothing but blackness. We don’t know what is going on but we can hear metallic sounds in the distance._

**Plucky:** (Offscreen, groans) Am I dead?

 **Shirley:** (Offscreen, bitterly) No such luck.

_We hear a clanking noise._

**Plucky:** (Offscreen) OW!

_We hear a thump._

**Plucky:** (Offscreen, confused) Where are we?

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Offscreen) (Let me put it this way. Where we’re being held captive is completely shrouded in darkness, and methinks it is probably better that it stays that way.)

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen, surprised) Uncle Stinky! You’re alive!

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Offscreen) (For now at least. What with the injuries that I have sustained and my subsequent fears of being violently murdered at any second by the beast, death feels almost appealing.)

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen, Chuckles nervously) D-Don’t talk like that, Uncle Stinky! We’ll get outta this! Hammy? You there? Tell yer uncle we’re gonna be okay!

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen, monotone) A Pig Scout remains calm, even when he is in mortal peril. A Pig Scout will always help someone in distress, even if his very life depends on it…

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen, confused) Hey, snap out of it, Ham-Brain! Fifi, help me out, here! Tell everyone that everything’s gonna be trees bon-bon or whatever it is you say!

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen, singing) Frére Jacques, Frére Jacques, dormez-vous? Dormez-vous? Sonnez les matines, sonnez les matines, ding, dang, dong…ding, dang, dong.

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen, irritated) For the love of Avery, what is the matter with you two?!

 **Shirley:** (Offscreen, shouts at **Plucky** ) Don’t you get it, you idiot?! They’re scared! An’ can ya totally blame ‘em?! We’re all gonna die!!

 **Cypress:** (Offscreen, tearfully) S-She’s right. We’re doomed…an’ it’s all my fault.

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Offscreen) (Oh, far from it…Willow, is it?)

 **Cypress:** (Offscreen, sniffs) Cypress.

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Offscreen) (Cypress, of course. The beast would have attacked us anyway. It’s a shame that we’re now being held hostage and will all inevitably perish, but I suppose it’s fate.)

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen, worried) Yeah, but we can still escape, can’t we?

 **Shirley:** (Offscreen, bitterly) You’ve changed yer tune, or some junk. You’ve been rattlin’ on about how we’re ALL gonna get abducted an’ now ya want out?

 **Cypress:** (Offscreen, to **Plucky** ) She’s right, y’know.

 **Shirley:** (Offscreen, snidely to **Cypress** ) Oh, shut up.

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen, irritated to **Shirley** ) Okay, what’s the matter with you, Shirl? You’ve been sulkin’ ever since we met up at Happy World Land. Since we’re all gonna kick the bucket, could you at least explain WHY you’re actin’ like this?

 _Before_ **Shirley** _can answer, we hear the moaning, whining creak of a door being slowly opened. A rectangle of dazzling light grows larger and larger in the background, although we are fearful of what is about to enter through it._

 _The darkness is finally lit up and the location is revealed. The six toons are in a dungeon._ **Uncle Stinky** _and_ **Cypress** _are chained to the walls,_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _are in cages and_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _are tied up by their wrists, dangling above the stony floor. They all shut their eyes in pain from the sudden burst of light and wait in dread for what is going to happen to them. When their eyes finally become accustomed to the light, they slowly open them with trepidation._

 **Fifi:** (Fearfully) Je t’aime, Hamtone… Et vous aussi. Oncle Stinky.

 **Hamton:** (Trembling) I love you too, Fifi. Ditto for you, Uncle.

 **Uncle Stinky:** (The feeling’s mutual, children.)

 **Plucky:** (Cries out) I LOVE YOU, CYPRESS!

 _Even though_ **Cypress** _doesn’t reply, a look of melancholy crosses_ **Shirley’s** _face. A dark figure stands in the open doorway, its footfalls thundering as it crosses the threshold. Finally, it comes into the light, revealing itself as_ **Montana Max** _with_ **Grovely** _at his heels._

 **Monty:** (Mockingly) How’re the prisoners doin’?

 **PSH &F: **(Flabbergasted) MONTY?!

 **Plucky:** (Dumbfounded) YOU kidnapped us?!

 **Monty** _walks into the dungeon, looking pained._ **Grovely** _sweeps up the floor where he stands._

 **Monty:** (Outraged) Kidnapped you? I rescued you geeks!

 **Shirley:** (Snidely, to **Monty** ) Like, yeah right! Now let us go before I zap ya into oblivion!

 **Cypress:** (To **Plucky** ) I know this isn’t an appropriate time, but I told you there wasn’t a monster!

 **Monty:** (Indifferently) There was too a monster. I just happened ta be overseein’ the construction ‘o’ my personal subway to Rio when we came across its lair, an’ found you six turncoats lyin’ there, awaitin’ yer fate. None of us actually saw what took ya hostage, but we didn’t wanna know. I shudder ta think of what it would’ve done to ya, so I dragged yer unconscious keisters outta there…well, Grovely did.

 **Grovely:** (Pompously) I have the hernia to prove it.

 **Fifi:** (Angrily, to **Monty** ) Eef zis eez true, zen why are vous ‘olding us dans zis place?

 **Monty:** (Smugly) ‘Cos I wanted ta deal with you myself.

 **Hamton:** (Upset, to **Monty** ) Why’re you doin’ this to us?

 **Monty:** (Grins) Ask Green Daffy.

_The colour drains from the green duck’s body as five pairs of eyes look at him._

**Monty:** (Grimly cheerful, to **Plucky** ) Oh, ho, ho! They don’t know, do they? About our little deal.

 **Cypress:** (Nervously, to **Plucky** ) What’s he talking about?

 **Monty:** (To **Plucky** ) About your spinoff. About how we made a deal that you were gonna star in it all by yourself an’ I was gonna endorse it.

 **SH &F: **(Horrified, to **Plucky** ) YOU DID WHAT?!

 **Shirley:** (Scathingly) Oh, nice goin’, Faustus!

 **Hamton:** (Crushed, to **Plucky** ) Y-You were working with Monty all along? How could you?

 **Plucky:** (Desperately) Now, wait a minute, guys, it’s not what you think!

 **Fifi:** (Contemptuous, to **Plucky** ) Traitre! Vous were setting us all up pour ze rise!

 **Hamton:** (Correcting) Fall.

 **Monty:** (With mock shock, to **SH &F**) I thought you chumps would’ve taken it well, since you were ALL together when I made the phone call!

 **Fifi:** (Suspiciously, to **Monty** ) Vat eez zis phone call vous speak of? Ah do not remember being present when vous talked to Plucky!

 **Plucky:** (To **H &F**) He called after you two ditched me an’ Shirl.

 **Shirley:** (Confused, to **Plucky** ) No way, you couldn’t have. I was with you the whole time…

_She trails off as we are given a flashback of_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _in the bachelor pad._

**Flashback Plucky:** (To no-one in particular) Preach, my brothers and sisters! Make love, not war!

 **Shirley** _abruptly grabs him and shoves him down onto the floor, sitting astride him._

 **Flashback Shirley:** (Lustfully) Like, I thought you’d never ask!

 **Flashback Plucky:** (Mellow) Shirley, would you mind not throwing off my groove? You haven’t been meditating today, have you?

 _We hear the sound of a phone ringing offscreen._ **Plucky** _takes off his sunglasses, and we can see a subtle hint of relief in his eyes upon hearing this interruption._

 **Flashback Plucky:** (To **Flashback** **Shirley** ) Excuse me, Jude.

 _He jumps to his feet and rushes offscreen, leaving a disappointed and frustrated_ **Shirley** _behind. The flashback ends._

 **Shirley:** (Realisation dawning) Like…Like, you had a phone call the last time I saw ya! When you were actin’ like more of a dork than usual, or some junk!

 **Cypress:** (Beat) I’m lost.

 **Monty:** (Irritated, to **P &S**) Can you lovebirds stop squawkin’ for a few minutes?! (To **Plucky** ) Ya wanna know why I saved yer life from that eldritch abomination? ‘Cos I wanted ta show you that no-one goes back on one ‘o’ MY bargains. I gave ya three new characters an’ wrote ALL yer plots for ya, but yer still not satisfied.

_He takes a sandwich toaster out of his pocket._

**Monty:** (Snarky) At least that celebrity-quotin’ bucket ‘o’ bolts makes a nice snack once in a while.

 **Spittoon’s** _voice comes out of the sandwich toaster._

 **Spittoon:** (Droning) Help. Help. Help. Help. Help.

 **Monty** _throws the sandwich toaster offscreen._

 **Plucky:** (Desperately) C’mon, Monty. If yer gonna do somethin’ ta me, that’s fine… (Gesturing to the others) But let my friends go. They had nothin’ ta do with this.

 **Monty:** (Snorts) You just don’t get it, do you? Why’d ya think I kidnapped everyone else? Yer all gonna wish ya never walked out on us!

 _As soon as he says this, a huge monstrous rabbit-like creature with antlers lumbers into the dungeon. It has razor sharp fangs and drool trickling from its maw. The six toons scream in horror, and_ **Monty** _turns around to face it, seemingly unfazed by it. The monster rabbit suddenly takes hold of a zipper on its chest and pulls it down to reveal that it is in fact_ **Elmyra** _in disguise._

 **Elmyra:** (Happily) Monty-Wonty! What’re you doing here?

 _The six toons scream once more._ **Elmyra** _must be here to torture them!_

 **Monty:** (Forced happiness) Abuseya, what’re you doin’ here? (To **Grovely** ) I thought you said you poisoned her juice box.

 **Elmyra:** (Gleefully) OooooOOooooo! What’re the duckie-wuckies, the dirty piggy an’ the stinky kitty doin’ here? Are we playin’ Animal Shelter?

 **Monty:** (Irritated) We’re not playin’ anything. YOU’RE NOT INVITED!

_He shoves her out of the dungeon and slams it shut. He turns his attention to the six prisoners._

**Monty:** (Cruelly) Now, then, what’s yer choice ‘o’ torture? A meat grinder? Shaving? Pullin’ out yer fingernails one by one? This ol’ Taxidermist’s mansion is the perfect place ta get rid of any evidence.

 _There is a knock at the door._ **Monty** _winces, thinking it’s_ **Elmyra** _. He turns and wrenches the door open…to reveal_ **Babs** _and_ **Buster** _disguised as_ **Biff** _and_ **Buffy Vanderbunny** _._

 **Buster:** (Flamboyantly) Good day to you, Master Monty! You may remember myself and my wife, Biff and Buffy Vanderbunny?

 **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _stare in amazement._

 **Monty:** (Vaguely) The Vanderbunnys… (Beat) Hey, yeah, I remember you! Every time you guys show up, my plan gets foiled!

 **Babs:** (Chortles) What a small world it is! My husband and I were touring the home of the long-since deceased Taxidermist when we decided to take a gander at the dungeon where he kept his animals incarcerated. We didn’t expect to see you down here!

 **Elmyra** _suddenly appears next to_ **Monty** _._

 **Elmyra:** Uh, Monty…

 **Monty:** (Bluntly, to **Elmyra** ) Stay outta this! (Casually, to **B &B**) Oh, yeah? Well, there’s nothin’ ta see down here. (Hurriedly) It’s good ta see you, now go away.

 **Buster:** (Surprised) But, my dear Master Monty! Haven’t you heard the news about the six missing animals?

 **Monty:** (Uneasily) Missin’ animals, huh? Six of ‘em?

_The six toons bite their tongues nervously._

**Babs:** (Grimly) They were kidnapped, don’t you know? Such an appalling thing to do. (Jovially) And you saved them!

 **Monty:** (Confused) I did? (With false bravado) Yeah, I did! They were bein’ held down here for weeks before I found ‘em!

 **Buster:** (Shaking **Monty’s** hand) Well, congratulations, my good man! You win the reward money!

 **Babs:** (Joyfully) We won’t have to pay a ransom, now! Hoorah!

 **Monty’s** _pupils change to dollar signs._

 **Monty:** (Ecstatic) REWARD MONEY?! (Greedily) Gimme, gimme, gimme!

 **Elmyra:** Monty…

 **Monty:** (Snaps, to **Elmyra** ) Yer not gettin’ any! (To **B &B**) Lemme have it!

 **Lightning** _rushes up, carrying an enormous burlap sack on his back. It’s filled to the brim with millions of dollar bills._

 **Babs:** (Cheerfully) Here you are, my good man. A lot of money!

 **Monty:** (Excitedly) Oh, boy! That’s the same amount I have in my vault at home!

_There is a beat as he thinks of something. The camera cuts to the vault at his mansion. It’s now completely empty. We cut back to the dungeon._

**Monty:** (Realisation dawning) The same amount I have in my vault at home…

 _We suddenly hear the “Wah, Wah, Waaaaah!” song being played. The camera pans over to_ **Mary** _holding a trombone._

 **Mary:** (To the camera) Oh, yeah, I’m a musician, too. But you probably didn’t know that.

 **Monty** _seizes_ **“Biff”** _and_ **“Buffy”** _and rips their clothes off, exposing them as_ **Buster** _and_ **Babs** _._

 **Monty:** (Beat) Elmoron?

 **Elmyra:** Yes, Monty-Wonty?

 **Monty:** Kill ‘em with kindness.

 **Babs** _and_ **Buster** _grin sheepishly and wave…before fleeing offscreen._

 **Elmyra:** (Cooing) Come back here, bunnie-wunnies! I wanna hug you an’ squeeze you until your eyes pop out!

 _She gambols after them. The camera pans up to reveal_ **Sweetie** _waiting to emerge from the shadows._

**Act Seven**

**Buster** _and_ **Babs** _run through the mansion, with_ **Elmyra** _at their heels._

 **Buster:** (As they run) You been studyin’ Clampett?

 **Babs:** (As they run, scoffs) Clampett is my idol!

 **Buster:** (As they run) Gonna use any of his techniques?

 **Babs:** (As they run, grinning) “Dead Dog Acting”, first used in 1944.

 **Buster:** (As they run, smirking) “Censored Poem”, also used in 1944.

 **Buster** _screeches to a halt and sticks out his foot._ **Elmyra** _trips over it and falls on the floor. As she falls down,_ **Buster** _puts on a mailman’s hat and hastily writes on a piece of paper. The redhead gets to her feet._

 **Buster:** (To **Elmyra** ) Is there a mistake in the house?

 **Elmyra:** (Excitedly) My mommy says I’m a mistake!

 **Buster:** (Handing her the paper) Telegram.

 **Elmyra** _eagerly takes it from him and reads it. We cut to a view of the telegram. It’s a poem which reads:_

**Buster is blue,**

**Babs is pink,**

**We smell sweet,**

**But you just CENSORED**

**Elmyra:** (Confused, to **Buster** ) I just what?

 **Buster:** (Bellows in her ear) STINK, YOU DEGENERATE! STINK!

_He grabs her gerbil skull bow and ties it around her legs, before pushing her down and running away._

_The camera cuts to_ **Babs** _who is filing her nails waiting for_ **Elmyra** _._ **Buster** _runs past._

 **Buster:** (Calling back) Abuseya’s all yours! I’m goin’ ta help Plucky an’ the others!

 **Babs:** (To the camera) I just can’t help myself!

 _She waits for_ **Elmyra** _to arrive. Suddenly, the oaf rushes in from offscreen, seizing her._

 **Elmyra:** (Cooing) OooooOOoooo! I’ve got you now, bunny-wunny! I’m gonna love you an’ hug you an’ squeeze you…

 _We pan in on_ **Babs** _trapped in_ **Elmyra’s** _death grip. Her face and ears turn blue, making her look briefly like_ **Buster** _with purple earbows._

 **Babs:** (Screams) I CAN’T BREATHE!!

 **Elmyra** _lets go in shock, and_ **Babs** _falls to the ground, gasping and rasping._

 **Babs:** (Wheezing) I’m…going. Dear ol’ Harvey has a place for me up in that big ol’ warren in the sky!

 **Elmyra** _puts a hand to her mouth, her eyes welling up with tears._

 **Babs:** (Can barely speak) El…mor…on… (Chokes) There’s…no…savin’ me now…

 _She feebly beckons_ **Elmyra** _to come closer, which she does._

 **Babs:** (To **Elmyra** ) Before I die… I just want you ta know… (Screams) IT’S ON YER HEAD!

 _With that, the pink doe dies, her eyes open but lifeless._ **Elmyra** _bursts into tears._

 **Elmyra:** (Sobs) What have I done? (Sniffs) I’ve killed the bunny-wunny! (Howls in anguish) I don’t deserve to live! (Wails) I wish I were dead! (Screams) I wish I were dead!!

 **Babs** _suddenly gets up completely unharmed._

 **Babs:** (To **Elmyra** , imitating **Bugs** ) Nyeeeeh, d’ya mean it?

 _She takes out a pistol and sticks it in_ **Elmyra’s** _mouth. There is a loud BANG!_ **Elmyra** _falls backwards on the floor._ **Babs** _prances offscreen._

**Act Eight**

**Monty** _reads a magazine that has a photograph of_ **Julie Bruin** _on the cover. He is waiting for_ **Elmyra** _to bring the bunnies back. Unbeknown to him,_ **Sweetie** _is fluttering up to_ **Plucky’s** _and_ **Shirley’s** _cages._

 **Sweetie:** (Jokingly) Somebody call for a para-keyt?

 **Plucky** _looks outraged at this rescue. He folds his arms and sticks his bill in the air._

 **Plucky:** (Dismissively) Wait a minute, this is MY show you guys are hijacking! I’m a strong independent mallard who don’t need no rabbits. I’ll escape myself!

 **Sweetie:** (Shrugs) Suit yerself.

 _She flies over to_ **Shirley’s** _cage and puts one of her talons in the lock._ **Monty** _yawns loudly and the tiny pink canary freezes for fear of being caught. After a beat, she carries on what she’s doing._

 **Shirley:** (Whispering, to **Sweetie** ) Like, I ain’t complainin’ or some junk, but how did ya find us?

 **Sweetie:** (While she works) We were supposed ta film the final scene in this dungeon. We showed up an’ found Monty holdin’ you guys prisoner an’ Babs an’ Buster came up with a plan to rescue ya.

 **Plucky:** (Snarky) Oh, yeah, because those rabbits are SO heroic. They’re only savin’ our butts so that they’ll look better than me. Once you guys bust us out, it’s back ta bein’ secondary characters on…

 **SHF &C: **(Hushed, to **Plucky** ) Shut up!

 **Plucky:** (Sulkily, to **SH &F**) It’s true, though. Once we’re rescued, there goes our spinoff!

 **Hamton:** (Bitterly) At least Buster an’ Babs care about people an’ not just because they’re their “chauffer”.

 **Plucky:** (Irritated) Oh, ya had ta bring that up…

 **Fifi:** (Dangerously, to **Plucky** ) Now eez not ze time to be thinking about yourself. Eef vous mess zis up, ah will kill vous before Monty does!

 _With a click,_ **Sweetie** _finally unlocks_ **Shirley’s** _cage. The blonde loon gently clambers out and makes her way over to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _while_ **Sweetie** _flies over to_ **Cypress** _and_ **Uncle Stinky** _. Closing her eyes in concentration, her recently reunited_ **Aura** _emerges from her body. Together, they untie the pig and skunkette._ **Monty** _coughs and they all freeze once more._ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _are finally free from the ropes and drop gently down._ **Sweetie** _unlocks_ **Uncle Stinky** _from the chains and his nephew and honorary niece silently embrace him once he is free._

 **Plucky** _watches in disbelief as everyone ignores him._

 **Plucky:** (Outraged) What about me? Aren’t ya gonna get me out?

 **Sweetie:** (Bluntly) No.

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) What?! Why?

 **Uncle Stinky:** (You did inform Ms. Pie that you required no assistance in terms of leaving. We shall convene with you once you have broken out of the rich unpleasant child’s clutches.)

 _They all turn to sneak away._ **Cypress** _suddenly stops._

 **Cypress:** (To the group) Don’t be mean, you guys. Let him out.

 **Plucky:** (Excitedly) Yeah! Listen to the responsible adult!

 **Shirley:** (Indifferently) Like, bein’ in a cage suits him.

 _Upon hearing this,_ **Plucky** _suddenly flies into a tantrum. He begins to push against the walls of his prison, causing it to rock from side to side. It clangs and clanks as he does so._

 **Plucky:** (Angrily) It’s not fair, it’s not fair! Why’re you guys so MEAN?!

 **Shirley** _,_ **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _,_ **Uncle Stinky** _,_ **Cypress** _and_ **Sweetie** _cringe at the noise and look nervously in_ **Monty’s** _direction._

 **Cypress:** (Frantically, to **Plucky** ) Easy now, ssh, ssh! You’ll get us caught!

 **Plucky:** (Wailing) NO! I wanna be the hero, not Babs an’ Buster! It’s MY show! MINE! MINE! MINE!

 **Cypress:** (Sternly) Now, stop it, young man, or you’ll get a spanking!

 **Buster** _and_ **Babs** _creep into the dungeon, looking relieved upon seeing their friends free from their respective confinements. Their relief turns to horror as they see_ **Plucky** _rocking his cage and making a din._

 **Plucky:** (Screeching) I didn’t come this far ta have my show taken away from me! I’m a duck! Ducks are funnier than rabbits!

_He rams the cage wall much harder than before. It teeters for a few seconds before toppling down on the cobblestone floor, shattering upon the impact. Everyone cringes._

**Plucky:** (Beat, joyously) I’m free! An’ I did it without any help from screwy rabbits!

 _The camera cuts to_ **Monty** _, who suddenly looks up from his magazine. His jaw hits the floor upon seeing his captives free from their imprisonments…and at seeing_ **Buster** _and_ **Babs** _completely unharmed. The two bunnies rush past him to join their friends._

 **Sweetie:** (Sharply, to **Plucky** ) Nice goin’, Crybaby McBooHoo.

 **Monty:** (Dangerously, to the group) I dunno how ya got out…but yer gonna get back IN!

_The camera cuts to the nine toons backing away from the greedy bully._

**Babs:** (Out of the corner of her mouth) Plucky messed up, didn’t he?

 **SH &F: **(Deadpan) Yes.

 **Buster:** (Hushed) Okay, we got a plan. You guys’ll get outta here IF ya follow our lead.

 _The camera cuts to_ **Monty** _bearing down on them, rolling up his sleeves._

**# So Long, Farewell (Instrumental)**

**B &B: **(Singing) There’s a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall, and the bells in the steeple too. And up in the nursery, an absurd little bird is popping out to say “cuckoo”.

 **Sweetie:** (Sings) Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

 **SH &F: **(Singing) Regretfully, they tell us “Cuckoo! Cuckoo!” But firmly they compel us “Cuckoo! Cuckoo!” To say goodbye…

 **Sweetie:** (Sings) Cuckoo!

 **SH &F: **(Singing) …To you.

 **Monty** _looks completely perplexed by this impromptu musical._

 **Group:** (Singing) So long, farewell, auf Weidersehen, good night!

 **Fifi:** (Sings) Ah ‘ate to go et leave zis pretty sight!

 _She skips away from the group, past_ **Monty** _and out of the dungeon._

 **Group:** (Singing) So long, farewell, auf Weidersehen, adieu!

 **Hamton:** (Sings) Adieu, adieu, to yieu, and yieu and yieu!

 _He jigs away from the group, past_ **Monty** _and out of the dungeon._

 **Group:** (Singing) So long, farewell, au revoir, auf Weidersehen!

 **Plucky:** (Sings) I’d…uh… love to stay…

_He trails off, not knowing his lyric._

**Sweetie:** (Shoving him) Just get outta here!

 **Plucky** _staggers away from the group, past_ **Monty** _and out of the dungeon._

 **Group:** (Singing) So long, farewell, auf Weidersehen, goodbye!

 **Shirley:** (Sings) I leave and heave a sigh and wave goodbye. Goodbye!

_She leaves._

**Uncle Stinky:** (I’m glad to go, I cannot tell a lie!)

_He leaves._

**Cypress:** (Awkwardly) I…dunno this…

 **Babs** _begins pushing her out of the dungeon._

 **Babs:** (Sings) I flit, I float, I fleetly flee, I fly!

_They leave._

**Buster:** (Sings) The sun has gone to bed and so must I!

 _He leaves, followed by_ **Sweetie** _._

 **Group:** (Singing, as they go) So long, farewell, auf Weidersehen, goodbye! Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye…

 **Monty:** (Operatic baritone) Goooooodbyyyyyyye!

 _The door to the dungeon slams shut, and the wealthy bully claps and cheers. There is a long silence as he waits for them to come back and take their bows. His clapping dies down as he gets sick of it. After a beat, the dungeon door opens once more, and_ **Grovely** _walks in, looking flustered._

 **Grovely:** (Urgently) They’re gone!

 **Monty** _turns to look at the camera. His head briefly morphs into that of a braying donkey’s for a few seconds before changing back to normal._

 **Monty:** (Bellows) GREEEEEEEEEN DAFFFFFFYY!!!

 

**Act Nine**

_We fade back to the dirt road. The whole group, including_ **Buster** _,_ **Babs** _,_ **Mary** _,_ **Sweetie** _and_ **Lightning** _are gathered around the mobile home, which looks completely undamaged now._

 **Cypress:** (Baffled, regarding the mobile home) I…I don’t understand it. It got destroyed when it fell down the sinkhole!

 _The door opens and_ **Byron** _meanders out, covered in oil stains._

 **Byron:** Woof.

 **Shirley:** (Impressed) Like, how did ya find it, though?

 **Buster:** (Chuckles) We’re rabbits. We dig.

 **Uncle Stinky:** (To **B &B**) (I do not know how we can ever repay you both. You have saved us from certain doom at the hands of that ruffian…and repaired my ride to boot.)

 **Hamton:** (Gratefully) Yeah, thanks, guys. Yer true friends.

 **Fifi:** (Happily) Eez zere anything we can do to thank vous?

 **Plucky** _, who had been hanging back and silent ever since they escaped, winces. He’s preparing for the bunnies to order them to rejoin_ **Tiny Toons** _._

 **Babs:** (Giggles) Nonsense, you guys! The fact that yer all safe is a big enough reward to us.

 **Plucky** _looks puzzled by this response._

 **Buster:** (Grinning) Steven’ll love this idea for a crossover.

 **H &F: **(Surprised) Crossover?

 **Buster:** (Happily) Yeah! Tiny Toons meets The…Whatever yer show’s called. Scooby-Doo did it all the time in the 70s.

 **Hamton:** (Pleasantly surprised) So you’re not angry at us for leaving the show?

 **Babs:** (Grins) Nope. This special will keep us away from Toonywood Squares for a while.

 **Fifi:** (Excitedly taking **Babs’s** hand) Oh, merci! Merci! Vous are my, how-you-say, best ami.

 **Shirley** _winces upon hearing this._ **Fifi** _takes a look inside the mobile home and notices the clock._

 **Fifi:** (Surprised) Zut alors! Eez zat ze time? (To **B &B**) Mes amis et moi must go. We ‘ave a lot of ze floor…

 **Hamton:** (Gently correcting) Ground.

 **Fifi:** …Ground to cover if we are going to get to ze studio!

 **Uncle Stinky:** (And we should leave this place immediately. We do not know what the creature that took us looks like, and it is probably still out there.)

 _Everybody looks edgy as the porcine makes this point. They all look nervously around, fearful of being attacked. After a beat,_ **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _,_ **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _,_ **Cypress** _and_ **Uncle Stinky** _scramble aboard the mobile home and roar away into the darkness._ **Buster** _,_ **Babs** _,_ **Mary** _,_ **Sweetie** _and_ **Lightning** _briefly wave them off, before running for their lives._ **Byron** _rambles sluggishly after them._

 **Plucky:** (Narrating) Okay, so this is awkward. This is no longer the final entry for the Spinoff Log, so… We got attacked by a monster we never saw, kidnapped, then rescued, then kidnapped again by Monty…and then rescued by… those scene-stealin’ rabbits. It’s so unfair. I wanted ta save everybody! I’M the hero! Perhaps next time, I’ll prove myself ta be better than Blue Bugs an’ Pink Female Bugs. Spinoff Log: End of Entry 10.

 

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**CREDITS**

 

Written by: **Redtop95**

Creative Consultant: **Pepe-K**

 **Cypress Duck** is owned by: **Smallj85**

**“So Long, Farewell”** From **The Sound of Music** , written by **Rogers and Hammerstein**


	13. 50 Shades of Grey

**# A Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight (Instrumental)**

**WARNER BROS PICTURES INC.**

**&**

**THE VITAPHONE CORP.**

**Present**

**THE PLUCKY DUCK SHOW**

**A**

**Redtop95.HKUriah**

**Musical Cartoon**

**Episode 13**

**50 Shades of Grey**

**# Smile, Darn Ya, Smile (Instrumental)**

_We iris out on a place that looks like it was taken from a 1930s cartoon. There are no colours at all. Only black and white, and some of the backgrounds look completely stark. A fox wearing grey pants and shoes walks along the street, whistling a merry tune. Musical notes fly out of his mouth as he does so. This is_ **Foxy** _. We can hear clacking noises with every step he makes. Suddenly, he stops and does a little tap dance._

**Foxy:** (Sings) Smile, Darn Ya, Smile! You know this whole world is a good world after all!

_The_ **Sun** _turns around to reveal that it has a face. A creepy one at that._

**Sun:** (Sings) Smile, Darn Ya, Smile!

 **Foxy:** (Sings) And by the way, watch Lady Luck pay you a call!

 **Sun:** (Sings) Things are never black as they are painted!

 **Foxy:** (Sings) Time for you and joy to get acquainted!

 **Both:** (Singing) Make life worthwhile, c’mon an’ Smile, Darn Ya, Smile!

**Buddy** _, a human toon with ridiculously huge eyes, can be seen walking past in the background. The camera zooms in on him._ **Buddy** _is playing a ukulele._

**Buddy:** (Sings) I’m-a frolicking in the Outback, just as chipper as I can be. Got no cares and I got no worries…

**Yakko** _,_ **Wakko** _and_ **Dot** _abruptly emerge from_ **Buddy’s** _pocket, each brandishing a mallet. The three of them bring their weapons down on_ **Buddy** _, squishing him like a bug with a SMASH!_

**YW &D: **(Singing) We’ve smashed Outback Buddy!

 

**Act One**

_The mobile home drives along the road on a bright sunny day. A stark contrast to the surroundings of the previous episode._

**Plucky:** (Narrating) Spinoff Log: Entry 11. After yesterday’s fiasco, it’s good to see some sunlight. Especially since there was a chance we’d never see it again. Yep, freedom sure feels colourful today.

_The camera pans over to a sign which reads:_ **“You are now leaving Technicolor”** _. Everything behind the sign is in black and white. As soon as the mobile home drives past it, it not only becomes monochrome, but it turns into a literal motorised house on wheels. Black smoke bursts out of the exhaust, which coughs in some sort of rhythm._

**# The Sun has got his Hat on (Instrumental)**

**Plucky:** (Narrating) It sure is grey today.

 **Cypress** **:** (Looking out of the window) Wow. Everything looks so…primitive!

 **Fifi:** (Surprised) Including ze mobile ‘ome!

**Shirley** _looks out of the window. We cut to a view of the environment from her perspective. The monochrome trees are swaying from side to side to the background music, which sounds like it’s being played on an old record player._

**Shirley:** (To the camera) Like, this time I ain’t on anything, or some junk.

 **Hamton:** (Casually) We’re headed to Two-Tone Town.

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled) Two-Tonne… True-Tome… Toon… What the heck’s that place ya just said?

 **Hamton:** (Knowledgeable) It’s the place where the Inkblots live.

 **Fifi:** (Surprised) Eenkblots? What are zey?

 **Cypress** **:** (To the camera) Sounds like a racial slur…

 **Hamton:** (Explaining) The Toons created in the 20s and 30s. And in some circumstances, earlier than that. Didn’t you guys listen to that guest speaker last semester?

_We enter a flashback._ **Norman Normal** _stands before the_ **Toonsters** _._

**Norman** **:** (Monotone, to the class) Hello, kids. Now, you may not believe this, I sure didn’t, but the Looney Tunes actually began in the 29th year of this very century with the creation of Bosko, the Talk-Ink Kid by Hugh Harman and Rudy Ising of Harman-Ising fame…

 _We cut to a panning shot of the class. Everybody is asleep except for_ **Hamton** _and_ **Babs** _._ _The flashback ends._

 **Hamton:** (Explaining) …And after the Inkblots became obsolete, they moved ta this part of the States an’ have been livin’ here since the Second World War.

_The camera pans over to_ **Plucky** _, who is lying on the floor, huge black Zs floating from his head._ **Fifi** _removes her grey bow from her hair and uses the pin on it to pop each Z. This wakes_ **Plucky** _up. A huge exclamation mark flashes over his head for five seconds._

**Plucky:** (Irritated) Darn it! I’m still a two-tone duck! I was hopin’ this was a bad dream!

 **Shirley:** (Mockingly) Like, ya look even more like that dork, D.D without any colour, or some junk.

 **Cypress** **:** (Tense) The sooner we get outta here, the better. I like it better when things were psychedelic. I feel like I’m colour blind here.

_We cut to a shot of the mobile home in the distance._

**Hamton:** (Offscreen) I dunno about bein’ psychedelic, but things sure were surreal in old cartoons.

_The road that the mobile home is moving along suddenly begins to rise into the air. It isn’t a road at all…it’s a huge long neck that belongs to_ **Gertie the Dinosaur** _! The vehicle begins to hurtle down her neck, the back of the mobile home leaning forward and squashing the front as it does so._

**PSHF &C: **(Screaming) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!

_The mobile home rolls to the bottom of_ **Gertie’s** _neck and ascends her back like a rollercoaster, before zooming down her tail and flying off the tip like a ski jump._

_We cut to_ **Buddy** _and_ **Cookie** _driving in the_ **“Asthma”** _car._

**Buddy:** (Coos, to **Cookie** ) Woojie, woojie, woojie?

_Before_ **Cookie** _can reply, the mobile home falls out of the sky and crashes down on top of them. White smoke briefly dominates the screen for a few seconds before we are given a view of the destroyed car. The two humans sit amidst the wreckage._ **Buddy** _has the steering wheel stuck around his neck and_ **Cookie’s** _whole body is trapped in the carburettor. Only her head and feet are visible._

**Cookie:** (Woozily) No woojie, woojie, woojie…

_The mobile home hurtles along the road, suddenly coming towards a huge mud puddle. Just as it’s about to run through it, the vehicle stands up on its back wheels, lifts its undercarriage like a skirt and daintily prances across the mud, before going back to normal as it reaches the other side. Then it comes to a stop, coughing violently like_ **Mel Blanc** _. The five toons disembark. So does_ **Uncle Stinky** _, who suddenly resembles_ **Oliver Hardy** _. Bear in mind that his grunts and oinks are still translated, but now they’re shown in an_ **Intertitle** _instead of subtitles, similar to a silent movie._

**Uncle Stinky:** (Ah, the good old days! Welcome to Two-Tone Town, children…and young adult. Why don’t you all go and see the sights and witness the early days of your professor’s work in action? I, on the other hand, need to consult a mechanic about my means of transport so suddenly transforming once more.)

 _The_ **Intertitle** _disappears and_ **Uncle Stinky** _does an_ **Oliver Hardy** _flutter with his hands before climbing back into the mobile home, which sinks significantly as he does so, and drives off, the mobile home stretching like rubber as he rounds a bend._

 **Shirley:** (Puzzled) Like, did Uncle Stinky look kinda weird ta you guys, or some junk?

 **Plucky:** (Sniggers, to **Shirley** ) Not as weird as what yer wearin’! Look at yourself!

**Shirley** _looks down at herself in confusion. She does a double take upon realising that her attire is now completely different. She is now wearing a vamp-like dress which makes her resemble_ **Theda Bara** _._

**# Oh, You Beautiful Doll! (Instrumental)**

**Shirley:** (Shocked) Sweet mother of Carole King! I look like some silent movie sex symbol, or some junk!

_The camera pans over to_ **Fifi** _, who is now wearing a horizontal tight top, short dark skirt and a dark beret. She looks like a French Apache Dancer._

**Fifi:** (Smirking) Ooh, la, la! Just like at ‘ome.

 **Cypress** _is wearing a simple long sleeved shirt and skirt, making her resemble_ **Olive Oyl** _in some ways._

 **Cypress** **:** (Sulks) Darn it.

 **Plucky:** (To **Hamton** ) What’s goin’ on with the girls, Ham-Brain? I don’t remember them wearin’ stuff like this before.

 **Hamton:** (Knowingly) We’re in a part of the Tooniverse that’s based on the cultures from the early 20th Century. We’re wearing period costumes!

_He cheerfully poses, revealing that his overalls are now striped and he’s wearing a tie and bowler hat. He’s now wearing some fancy leather shoes on his trotters and carries a cane._

**Hamton:** (Cheerfully, to **Fifi** ) Good day, mademoiselle!

 **Fifi:** (Giggles) Vat are tu planning to do avec zat cane, monsieur?

 **Cypress** **:** (Grumbles) I’m glad you guys are enjoying this old fashioned stuff. Where’re all the colours? Why does everyone look like they’re made of rubber?

 **Shirley:** (Bluntly, to **Cypress** ) Oh, stop yer whinin’. At least ya look better than Plucky.

_Confused,_ **Plucky** _looks down at himself. He’s wearing a shabby polka-dotted pullover and a woolly hat. He almost resembles a burglar…or_ **Bimbo** _from the_ **Max Fleischer** _cartoons._

**Plucky:** (Sulkily) The Good Old Days, my tail feathers.

 **Hamton:** (Cheerfully, to the others) So, shall we all go on a trip back to the early days of cartoon history?

 **Fifi:** (Happily) Oui! Perhaps zis eez where we will find our idea pour un spinoff, mes amis!

_The three waterfowl shrug at each other, and they all begin walking. As they do so, we hear an odd clacking sound each time they make a step. It’s as if somebody offscreen is knocking on some claves. As the group stop walking, so does the clacking._

**Shirley:** (Looking at her feet) Like, is my hearin’ goin’, or can ya hear tap shoes?

 **Hamton:** (Nonchalantly) You’ll soon get used to it.

_They carry on walking, the clacking synchronising with the beat of the background music._ **Plucky** _seizes the opportunity to do a short tap dance until_ **Shirley** _looks at him, unimpressed. The monochrome fowl blushes (or his face flashes for a few seconds) before they carry on walking._

**Act Two**

**# The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down (Instrumental)**

_We fade to a Depression-era city street. Black smoke erupts from the chimneys of the several buildings (one of them is coughing violently). Despite this, the Inkblots appear to be happy and jovial. We cut to_ **Beans the Cat** _strutting down the street. Suddenly,_ **Yakko** _,_ **Wakko** _and_ **Dot** _are ‘regurgitated’ from an anthropomorphic building and land on their behinds in front of the feline._

**Dot:** (Sarcastically) Great. I’ve always wanted ta be barfed out of a building.

 **Wakko:** (Eagerly) Me too!

 **Dot:** (With revulsion) Eew, creepy! Why does everything have a face here?

 **Yakko:** (Deadpan, to the camera) Pee-Wee Herman would love this place, if he ever gets outta the hoosegow.

**Beans** _walks up to them as they get up._

**Beans:** (Doffing his derby) Beans is the name! One ‘o’ the Boston Beans!

 **Dot:** (With disgust, gesturing to **Wakko** ) If that means you’ve got gas, then hang out with him.

 **Yakko:** (To **Beans** ) Catch ya later, Felix!

_The trio walks offscreen, leaving a confused_ **Beans** _behind. He turns to the camera, makes his two front teeth open like a set of doors, and spits through them._

**Dot:** (Annoyed, to **Yakko** ) Why did we come here?

 **Yakko:** (Rolling his eyes) Becaaaaaaause we gotta hide from Ralph aaaaaaaaaand I’m feeling nostalgic. (Beat) And this is pre-Hays Code territory.

 **Wakko:** (Nervously) I don’t like this place. The potty looks weird.

_He shows his siblings a chamber pot._

**Wakko:** (Puzzled) ‘Ow d’you flush it?

 **Dot:** (Snarky) Since when do you flush?

 **Yakko:** (To the camera) Good night everybody! MWAH!

_All of a sudden, they hear a bell clanging and the camera cuts to a streetcar trundling towards the_ **Warners** _. The vehicle sways from side to side as if it’s dancing. Its bell clangs to the beat of the background music. We cut to the interior of the streetcar._ **Foxy** _is driving it, accompanied by_ **Roxy** _._

**# Smile, Darn Ya, Smile (Instrumental)**

**Roxy:** (Sings) Smile, Darn Ya, Smile!

 **Foxy:** (Sings) You know this whole world is a good world after all!

 **Roxy:** (Sings) Smile, Darn Ya, Smile!

 **Foxy:** (Sings) And by the way, watch Lady Luck pay you a call!

 **Roxy:** (Sings) Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Bee-Doo-Be-Doo!

 **Foxy:** (Sings) Things are never black as they are painted!

 **Roxy:** (Sings) Time for you and joy to get acquainted!

 **F &R:** (Singing) Make life worthwhile, come on and smile, darn ya, smile!

 **Wakko:** (Beat) They sure are an ‘appy pair.

**Yakko** _sticks out his thumb, and_ **Foxy** _stops the streetcar. As the fox isn’t looking,_ **Wakko** _sneaks past him, replaces his baseball cap with an engineer’s hat and begins messing with the controls._

**Yakko:** (Surprised, to **Foxy** ) We-he-hell, Mickey Mouse, you sure have let yourself go! You need a shave! Either that, or Iwerks was on the giggle juice when you were drawn.

**Foxy** _turns to see_ **Wakko** _fiddling with the controls._

**Wakko:** Tommy the Train was chugging along the track. Whoo-Whoo!

_With a smacking sound,_ **Roxy** _hits_ **Wakko** _, distorting his head. A cuckoo clock can be heard as the Bro wobbles groggily._

**Foxy:** (Confused) Say, who are you fellers?

 **Dot:** (With mock shock) Foxy, it’s us!

 **Y &W: **The Warner Brothers!

 **Dot:** And the Warner Sister!

 **Yakko:** (Shocked) We’ve been around since 1929!

 **Wakko:** (Musing) Or was it 1930?

 **Roxy:** (Shaking her head) I don’t remember you folks.

 **Dot:** (To the camera, snarky) Spielberg, ya did this in Hook. Be original.

 **Foxy:** (Chuckles) Who’re you tryin’ ta fool? You fellers aren’t Inkblots!

_The_ **Warners** _recoil at this statement._

**Yakko:** (Outraged, to **Foxy** ) We are so…whatever it was you said!

_He seizes_ **Wakko** _by the head and stretches his neck, playing it like a double bass._

**Wakko:** (Happily) We can do this!

**Yakko** _grabs his own nose and stretches it, making himself resemble_ **Jimmy Durante** _._

**Yakko:** We can make jokes that won’t age well!

 **Dot** _pulls her bottom right eyelid down, making herself look grotesque as a result._

 **Dot:** We have creepy soulless eyes like you.

 **Roxy:** (Giggles) And red noses.

 **Yakko:** (Angrily) Yeah! And red no-

_He falters upon noticing the black noses on the two vulpine. The trio pulls off their respective nose and examines it. They are all bright red, a stark contrast to the black and white world they’re in._

**Wakko:** (Tearfully, to **Foxy** ) You’re right… WE’RE FRAUDS!

 **Yakko:** (To **Wakko** ) Not so fast! (Smugly, to **F &R**) We can prove we’re…whatever it is you call yourselves. Ask Buddy!

_The camera cuts to_ **Buddy** _, who is dressed up as a milkman. He’s whistling a tune, the musical notes sailing out of his mouth. He places a bottle of milk on a doorstep and the_ **Warners** _emerge from it, smashing him with their mallets. The camera cuts back to_ **Foxy** _and_ **Roxy** _._

**Dot:** (Cheerfully) That was from Milkman Buddy, directed by Weed Memlo in 1932!

 **Foxy:** Never heard of it.

 **Roxy:** Buddy joined in 1933.

 **Yakko:** (Baffled) What? H-He did? But then…who was the guy we kept smashing?

 **Roxy:** (Shrugs) Search me.

 **Y &W: **(Excitedly) Can we?!

 **Dot:** (Rolling her eyes) Boys…

**Foxy** _facepalms with a resounding SMACK!_

**Foxy:** (To the **Warners** ) The point is, you fellers ain’t one of us! Now, please, go away! (Beat) And my name’s NOT Mickey! AND I’m a FOX, not a mouse!

_He rings the bell of the streetcar and they trundle away. As they go, it’s revealed that the bell is being rung by a cat knocking his rear against it._

**Wakko:** ‘Ey, Yakko. What if Mickey’s right? I mean, the bloke I sound like isn’t even alive yet!

 **Yakko:** Uuuuuhhhh… We’ve just found out that we’ve been living a lie. There’s only one thing for us to do.

_Putting his fingers in his mouth, he gives a loud whistle. A huge black musical note flies from his lips as he does so. After a beat, a clapped out automobile clatters towards them. A sign on the door reads_ **“WACKYLAND INSANE ASYLUM”** _. The_ **Dodo** _flies out of the exhaust pipe and does a dance._

**Dodo:** Vo-Do-De-O! Vo-Do-De-O!

_A huge hairy hand comes out of the exhaust pipe, seizes the nearly extinct bird and pulls him back up the tube and into the vehicle._

**Yakko:** (To **W &D**) Okay, get in.

 **Dot:** (Shocked) No way! We need ta consult a professional! (Dreamily) Errol Flynn!

 **Yakko:** (Dismissive) Nah, he’s too expensive. We’ve got Scratchansniff!

 **Wakko:** (Determined) Well, what’re we waiting for? Back to Warner Bros Studios we go!

_Just as he says this,_ **Mae West** _saunters past on the other side of the street, catching the eyes of the brothers._

**Y &W: **(Lustfully) Hellooooooo, Pre-Hays Code Nurse!

_They trot after the actress, their feet clacking with every footstep._ **Dot** _sighs and follows them._

**Act Three**

**# Carolina in the Morning (Instrumental)**

_The quintet makes their way through the same city. They’re all doing a tap dance, seemingly against their will._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _seem to be having the time of their lives._ **Hamton** _occasionally spins his cane like a drum major’s baton and_ **Fifi** _cheerfully watches her pen dance on her notepad, writing notes for her._

_The ducks on the other hand…_

**Shirley:** (Disgruntled) I feel all exposed, or some junk.

 **Cypress:** (Muttering) I look like I haven’t eaten for weeks.

 **Shirley:** (Snidely, to **Cypress** ) Yer a hippy. Yer supposed ta look like that.

 **Plucky:** (Angrily, to **Shirley** ) You’re a hippy, too!

 **Shirley:** (Outraged) Like, no I ain’t!

 **Plucky:** (Snarky) Don’t give me that! You eat nothin’ but tofu, ya meditate all the time an’ yer always centred!

 **Cypress:** (Annoyed, to **P &S**) Okay, that does it! What is the matter with you two? You’ve both been at each other’s throats for TOO LONG! I’m gonna get to the bottom of this, one way or another!

_The camera pans ahead to the pig and skunkette. They’re doing their best to ignore the squawking behind them._

**Hamton:** (Cheerfully) Hot dog! This place is amazing! It’s just like how Professor Porky said it would be. You never would’ve thought that these were the early days of Looney Tunes!

 **Fifi:** (Happily) Eet eez trés amazing how colourful ze world seems without any colour, no? Two-Tone Town ‘as given moi ze idea! Since zere ‘as been un fascination avec ze days of old recently, perhaps ze revival of ze classic toons would be un popular idea to propose!

 **Hamton:** (Ecstatic) I love it! It’s ushering in a new audience to the Good Old Days! (Puzzled) Although what’s it got to do with Plucky?

 **Fifi:** (Sighs) Nothing. Ah am starting to wonder whether letting ‘im join us once more was ze good idea.

 **Hamton:** (Confused) I know. I mean, he said he was sorry, but he’s been insufferable ever since he met that older lady duck.

 **Fifi:** (Quietly) So ‘as Shirley. She ‘as been acting dans ze most peculiar manner after being avec zat ruffian, Randy. Ze both of zem ‘ave done nothing mais argue.

 **Hamton:** (Shrugs) It’s got nothin’ ta do with us, so…I’m stayin’ out of it.

 **Fifi:** (Shortly) Moi aussi.

_The camera pans ahead to a_ **White Rabbit** _with a black button nose. This is_ **Bug’s Bunny** _from_ **“Porky’s Hare Hunt”** _._ **Bug’s** _pulls his stomach fur, revealing his ribcage implanted against his skin. He then looks to the right of him and smiles excitedly as he sees the group approach him. Clicking his heels together, he leaps into their path and stops them._

**# Brother, Can You Spare a Dime? (Instrumental)**

**Bug’s:** (To the group) Hiya, folks! I was wonderin’ if you guys could help me!

 **Cypress:** (Compassionately) What with?

**Bug’s** _winks deviously at the camera._

**Bug’s:** (Sniffs obnoxiously) Well, I’m nothin’ but skin an’ bones. See?

_He pulls his stomach fur, revealing his ribcage implanted against his skin._

**Bug’s:** (Sniffles) Look, even the government turned me down…

_He shows them the bottom of his left foot. A sticker reading_ **“GOVERNMENT INSPECTED: REJECTED”** _is stuck to it. The camera cuts to_ **Cypress** _and_ **Shirley** _, enormous tears rolling down their cheeks._ **Plucky** _simply rolls his eyes._

**Bug’s:** (Tearfully) Besides…I haven’t been well lately… (Coughs violently)

 **Shirley:** (Sobs) Like, you poor thing!

 **Bug’s:** (Sobs) It’s the Depression, folks. I just need a few cents and…

 **Cypress:** (Wailing) If only we could help ya! We don’t have any money!

 **Bug’s:** (Beat, bluntly) You joiks! Ya made me do all that for nothin’!

_With that, he seizes his ears and makes them spin like rotors on a helicopter. He takes off. Just as he does so, the_ **WACKYLAND INSANE ASYLUM** _pulls up and a vacuum cleaner emerges from the door._ **Bug's** _gets sucked into the vacuum and the vehicle zooms away, leaving a murky black cloud of smoke obscuring the screen for five seconds._

**Plucky:** (Snarky) What a rat!

 **Hamton:** (Musing) He kinda reminded me of Professor Bugs…

 **Plucky:** (Snaps) Yeah, if he forgot ta take his medication! C’mon!

 **Fifi:** (Mutters) More like Professeur Canard dressed up as un lapin…

**# Baby Face (Instrumental)**

_We cut to a huge music hall with musical notes flying out of it as the building sways from side to side. The camera zooms in to reveal several posters on the walls. One reads:_ **“Bosko: Tonight!”** _Another reads_ **“Dance Contest Today!”** _The final poster reads:_ **“THE CENSORED ELEVEN!”** _before_ **Oliver Owl** _pastes another poster over it, which reads_ **“CENSORED!”**

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen, excited) Regardez!

_She rushes up to the Dance Contest poster, followed closely by_ **Hamton** _and the others._

**Fifi:** (Happily, to the group) Zis eez perfect! Un look at old fashioned culture! Zis will give us some ideas pour un spinoff!

 **Plucky:** (Snarky) Like what? How to dance like Cab Calloway?

 **Hamton:** (Ignoring **Plucky** , eagerly) We could even join in, too!

 **Cypress:** (Shocked) What?? B-But I can’t dance!

**Shirley** _smirks nastily upon hearing this._

**Shirley:** (Excitedly) Like, let’s cut the rug!

 

**Act Four**

_We fade to the interior of the music hall. Various Inkblots are dancing to the 1920s jazz music. Others are sat at the bar, drinking their alcohol in synchronisation._ **Bosko the Talk-Ink Kid** _drives in with his old car. He removes the exhaust pipe from it, and plays it like a saxophone._ **Ham and Ex** _walk up onto the stage near the dance floor and the Inkblots clap and cheer._

**# I Haven’t Got a Hat (Instrumental)**

**H &E: **(Singing) I’d tip my hat to you. I’d do just that!

 **Ex:** Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom!

 **H &E: **(Singing) Take it right off for you, but I haven’t got a hat!

 **Ex:** Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom!

 **H &E: **(Singing) I’m just a college boy, even at that!

 **Ex:** Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom!

 **H &E: **(Singing) I’d tip my hat to you, but I haven’t got a hat!

 **Ex:** Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom!

 **H &E: **(Singing) I’m really not a sap, it’s plain to see!

 **Ex:** Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom!

 **H &E: **(Singing) But if I wore a cap, they’d never let me back in the University. I think you’re swell, I do, I’m standing pat!

 **Ex:** Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom!

 **H &E: **(Singing) I’d tip my hat to you, but I haven’t got a hat!

 **Ex:** Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom!

_The group of Inkblots clap and cheer at this song. The two puppies bow in unison._

**H &E: **Come play with us…

_They walk off the stage and_ **Bosko** _leaps on._

**Bosko:** Hellooo, Folks!

 **Inkblots:** (In unison) Hellooo, Bosko!

 **Bosko:** (Happily) Are you fellers ready for my Al Jolson impression?

**Owl Jolson** _suddenly appears from stage right._

**Owl:** (Sings) I love to singa, about the moon-a an’ the June-a an’ the spring-a!

**Bosko** _glares at the owlet, and smacks him, knocking him over._ **Bosko** _then turns to the camera and sticks his tongue out at us._

**Bosko:** (To the camera) NYAH! (To the **Inkblots** ) It’s time for a good ol’ fashioned hootenanny! Who’s ready ta put on their dancin’ shoes?

_His shoes leap off of his feet and run away by themselves. He looks at the camera, his face flashing with embarrassment. The camera cuts to the entrance. The doors are swinging in rhythm, forcing_ **Fifi** _,_ **Shirley** _,_ **Cypress** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Plucky** _to jump through them one by one. The doors hit_ **Plucky** _on his butt with a clang as he goes through, knocking him down._

**Fifi:** Ah think zat ze dance eez about to begin!

_She takes her notepad out._

**Fifi:** Eet eez time pour moi to do some of ze studying…

 **Hamton:** (Taking her hand) Instead of talkin’ the talk, let’s walk the walk!

**Fifi** _is surprised, but allows the pig to lead her onto the dance floor._

**Bosko:** (Excited) Great day in the morning! It looks like we already got a couple ready to swing for us!

**# Charleston (Instrumental)**

**Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _reach the centre of the dance floor as the band strikes up a Dixieland tune. They both step forward with their left feet, and then they tap their right feet forward. Then they step back and tap with their left feet. They both swivel on the balls of their feet, beginning to step backwards and forwards as they do so. Taking each other by the arms, they face each other and begin to step:_ **Hamton** _going forwards and_ **Fifi** _moving him back._

**Hamton:** (Sings) Carolina, Carolina, at last they’ve got you on the map, with a new tune, funny blue tune, with a peculiar snap!

 **Fifi:** (Sings) Tu may not be able to buck or wing, foxtrot, two-step or even sing; if tu ‘ave not got religion dans your feet, tu can do zis dance et do eet neat!

 **Hamton:** (Sings) Charleston! Charleston! Made in Carolina! Some dance, some prance, I’ll say there’s nothing finer than the…

 **Fifi:** (Sings) Charleston, Charleston, oh, ‘ow tu can shuffle!

 **Hamton:** (Sings) Every step you do, leads to something new. Man, I’m tellin’ you, it’s a lapazoo!

 **Fifi:** (Sings) Buck dance, wing dance, will be un back number, mais ze Charleston, ze new Charleston, zat dance eez surely ze comer.

 **H &F: **(Both sing) Sometime, you’ll dance it one time, that dance called Charleston, made in South Caroline!

_The camera cuts to_ **Buddy** _carrying a platter of beer mugs._ **Yakko** _,_ **Wakko** _and_ **Dot** _emerge from the mugs and wallop him with their mallets._

**Wakko:** (Tearfully) Not even Bartender Buddy feels real anymore!

 **Yakko:** (Dejected) This is hopeless! We’ve visited every…whatever Mickey said they were, an’ none of ‘em recognise us!

 **Dot:** (Indignant) Greta Garbo just wanted ta be alone!

 **Wakko:** (Dreamily) I like ‘er. She’s got big feet!

_The camera pans over to_ **Goopy Geer** _playing the piano. Well, his gloves are. He’s reclining on his stool._

**Yakko:** (Cheerfully) Hiya, Goofy!

**Goopy** _looks at the camera, a tear rolling down his cheek._

**Yakko** _looks up and does a double take. The camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _dancing the Charleston._

**Yakko:** (Lustfully) Helloooo, Nurse! (To **W &D**) That dame’s hotter than the Reichstag Fire!

 **Dot:** (Puzzled) I don’t remember those two. (Excited) Hey! Maybe they could help us!

_She suddenly realises that she’s now talking to herself. The camera cuts to_ **Yakko** _swaggering towards the pig and skunkette, occasionally leaping in the air and clicking his heels as he does so._

_We cut to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _still dancing._

**Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Ah did not know tu could dance in zis manner!

 **Hamton:** (Modestly) Ever since I saw Buster do Professor Bugs’s dance at the Prom, I got interested in other dance styles.

 **Fifi:** Eet eez amazing ‘ow we know ze song all of a sudden, no?

 **Hamton:** Yes.

**Yakko** _suddenly cuts in between them, pushing_ **Hamton** _away and taking_ **Fifi’s** _hands._

**Yakko:** (To **Fifi** ) How doooo you do?

 **Fifi:** (Coolly) Who are vous?

 **Yakko:** (Flirtatiously) You’ll get ta know me better if we sit this next dance out. You don’t exactly smell like a rose, but look what I can do!

_He pulls his red nose off of his face._ **Hamton** _suddenly comes up behind him and whacks him on the head with his cane._

**Yakko:** (Groggily) Let that be a lesson to you, Germany, never use hydrogen for airships!

_He faints._ **Hamton** _steps over his prone form and continues dancing with_ **Fifi** _._

**Fifi:** (Giggles) Ah was going to deal avec ‘im.

 **Hamton:** (Nonchalantly) I’m more merciful. (Winks)

**Wakko** _runs up to them._

**Wakko:** (Sheepishly) You’ll ‘ave to excuse me brother. We’re ‘avin’ an existential crisis. We just found out we don’t exist.

 **Hamton:** (Beat) O…kay.

 **Fifi:** (Curtly) Ah wish vous ze best of ze luck. Now, go away.

_They dance away from_ **Wakko** _. The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _and_ **Cypress** _watching their friends dance from a corner of the room._ **Cookie** _sits near them, knitting some pretzels._

**Shirley:** (Puzzled) Like, who’re those mondo weird puppy-dog children talkin’ ta Feef an’ Hammy?

 **Cypress:** (Musing) They don’t look like the other denizens of this monochrome realm. Their noses are bright red… (Beat) Maybe they like sugar as well!

 **Plucky:** (Regarding **Cookie’s** pretzel-knitting) How does she DO that??

_We cut back to_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _as the Charleston music ends. The Inkblots clap and cheer for them, prompting them to bow._ **Yakko** _emerges from under_ **Hamton’s** _derby._

**Yakko:** (Chiding, to **Hamton** ) Violence solves nothing, young pork-chop.

 **Fifi:** (Outraged, to **Yakko** ) Why are vous still ‘ere?

 **Yakko:** Becaaaaaaause we’re having an existential crisis aaaaaaaaaand we need yer help.

 **Hamton:** (Sheepishly) Sorry Mister, but we’re not psychiatrists… and my mom told me never to talk ta strangers.

 **Wakko:** (Sobbing) Even THEY don’t recognise us! I need some comfort food…

_He plods over to one of the tables and swallows it whole._

**Fifi:** (Perplexed) Are we supposed to recognise vous?

 **Yakko:** Well, duuuh! Of course you are! We, the Warner Brothers…

**Dot** _emerges from_ **Fifi’s** _beret._

**Dot:** (Sweetly) And the Warner Sister!

 **Yakko:** …Were the first Looney Tunes ever created, way, way, WAY back in 1929!

 **Hamton:** (Flatly, to **Yakko** ) No, you weren’t.

 **Yakko:** (Dumbfounded) Uh, what, now?

 **Dot:** (Pointedly) He’s right, big brother. We were created way, way, WAY back in 1930.

 **Hamton:** (Frustrated) No, that’s not the point! You guys never appeared in any of the early Looney Tunes shorts. The first Looney Tune was Bosko!

_Before_ **Yakko** _can reply,_ **Bosko** _speaks from the stage. The camera cuts to him._

**Bosko:** Oh, boy! That was a humdinger of a Charleston from those two sweethearts. Up next, we’ve got ourselves the dance of death, the dance of the Underworld: the Apache!

_We abruptly cut to_ **Shirley** _. Her eyes light up upon hearing this dance be mentioned._

**Shirley:** (Calls out, to **Bosko** ) Like, yoo-hoo! My BOYFRIEND and I would like ta try out the Apache, or some junk!

 **Plucky:** (Dumbfounded) WHAT?!

 **Bosko:** (Joyously) Gee, that’s swell! Well, head on up!

_Seizing_ **Plucky** _by the hand, the loon forces him onto the dance floor._ **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _and the_ **Warners** _walk offscreen to make room for them._

**Plucky:** (Suspiciously) What’s the idea, Loon? Why the sudden urge ta boogie?

 **Shirley:** (Acridly) It’s time you and I had a heart-to-heart talk.

 **Plucky:** (Baffled) While dancing?

**# Powerhouse (Instrumental)**

**Shirley** _doesn’t even have time to reply as the band strikes up once more. With unbelievable strength, she yanks_ **Plucky** _forward and pulls him back like a yo-yo. He lands flat on his stomach._

**Plucky:** (Angry) Hey! What was that…

**Shirley** _seizes his arm and pulls him back up. She then takes him in an_ **Elmyra** _-like death grip and they move rhythmically back and forth._

**Shirley:** (Coldly) You get a kick outta toyin’ with me, don’t ya?

 **Plucky:** (Outraged) Me toyin’ with YOU?!

**Shirley** _takes him by the waist and throws him over her head. He lands flat on his stomach behind her. She turns around and grabs his legs._

**Shirley:** (Angrily) I did everything I could ta make you like me. I came back ta be with YOU!

_She grabs him by the head and lifts him upright. To her surprise,_ **Plucky** _seizes her by the arms and swings her round._

**Plucky:** (Irately) Then get lost! You’ve been a jerk ever since ya came back!

_He abruptly drops her on the floor. She gets to her feet._

**Shirley:** (Bitterly) Like, you’ll regret it when I go!

_She stamps his right foot, briefly incapacitating him. She turns to leave but_ **Plucky** _pulls her back._

**Plucky:** (Hotly) What’s THAT supposed ta mean?!

_He spins her around and pulls her back. She seizes him by the waist and he spins, trying to shake her off. The loon’s legs flail as he does so._

**Shirley:** That new girl, Birch, or whatever bogus name she calls herself, she ain’t yer girlfriend. She’s totally old enough ta be yer mom!

**Plucky** _throws her on the floor. She flinches as he approaches her, looking furious._

**Plucky:** (Angrily) She’s just a bit older than I am, what’s wrong with that?

_He grabs her by the arms and forcibly pulls her back onto her feet._

**Shirley:** A bit? Stop tryin’ ta kid yerself, Green Daffy. The chances of you hookin’ up with that bint are as likely as you bein’ number one!

 _She winces as her ex-boyfriend pulls her arms upward, forcing her to lean back. Abruptly_ , **Plucky** _lets go and she staggers back. To his surprise, she smiles as she moves back towards him._

 **Shirley:** (Sweetly) But, like, it doesn’t hafta be that way. My experience with Randy showed me that there are much worse jerks in this world than you. Get back with me, an’ we can start all over. We can be just like Fifi an’ Hamton.

**Plucky** _grabs her and forces her to face him, his hands clamped to the sides of her head. He forces her downward as he does so._

**Plucky:** What about Cypress? What’s she gonna do?

 **Shirley:** (Bluntly) Go back ta wastin’ her life protecting dolphins or some junk.

**Plucky** _lets go of her and she falls to the floor. She lies there._

**Plucky:** Once I mess up, you’ll just run away again. At least Cypress doesn’t give up at the first hurdle!

_He grabs her legs and pulls her up._ **Shirley** _does a somersault and slaps him savagely across the face, causing his bill to spin._

**Shirley:** (Incensed) I DON’T give up! You just…

 **Plucky:** (Exasperated) Me? It’s me who’s to blame, once again?! It’s never your fault, is it?!

 **Shirley:** (Icily) Y’wanna know why I look like a Ralph Bakshi reject? Because I wanted you ta LIKE me. I tapped into yer dreams an’ saw yer ideal version of me. I threw ALL my money away for this.

 **Plucky:** (Hotly) Y’wanna know why I dressed up like a dork the day you abandoned me?! Because I wanted YOU ta like me. But at least I just looked at your stuff instead of spyin’ on me!

 **Shirley:** (Tranquil fury) You looked at my stuff?

_She shoves him down onto the floor. As she does so, he grabs her arm, taking her with him._

**Plucky:** (Countering) You probed my dream.

_They hit the dance floor with a resounding THUD! This literally raises the roof. There is a long, awkward beat, before the Inkblots start applauding and whistling. The camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _and the_ **Warners** _, who appear to have been negotiating during the dance._

**Dot:** (Regarding **P &S**) That was the biggest display of testosterone I’ve ever seen…an’ I’ve lived with my brothers!

 **Wakko:** I love chocolate!

 **Fifi:** (Nonchalantly) Eet was un petit too violent even pour ze dance’s original standards, mais eet was fine.

**Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _lie on the floor, panting._ **Cypress** _hurries up to them, and kneels down to help_ **Plucky** _up. Upon seeing this gesture,_ **Shirley** _snaps._

**Shirley:** (Frenzied) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!

_She lunges at_ **Cypress** _and_ **Plucky** _, and they’re engulfed in a huge dust cloud of flying fists and webbed feet._

**Hamton:** (Shocked) Guys, no!

_He makes a move to break up the fight, but to his surprise,_ **Fifi** _stops him._

**Fifi:** (Calmly) Non, mon cher. Zey ‘ave to deal avec zis themselves.

 **Yakko:** (Excitedly) Oh, boy! A catfight!

 **Wakko:** It’s a three-way!

 **Yakko:** (To the camera) Goodnight, everybody! MWAH!

 _Before_ **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _or_ **Dot** _can stop them, the brothers rush up to the dance floor and dive into the dust cloud. The brawling toons roll out of the building and into the street._

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) Now do we go after them?

 **Fifi:** (Beat) Non. (To **Dot** ) So, tell moi more about your life.

**Act Five**

**# Don’t Give up the Ship (Instrumental)**

_We cut to the exterior of the music hall as the fight is moved to the street. It briefly clears and we see_ **Shirley** _biting_ **Cypress’s** _leg_ _while she has her in a headlock,_ **Yakko** _is throwing punches at no-one in particular and_ **Wakko** _has something in his mouth, judging by his bulging cheeks._

 **Cypress:** (Puzzled, to **Y &W**) Who’re you?

**Wakko** _spits_ **Plucky** _out and he and_ **Yakko** _link arms._

**Y &W: **(Jovially) We’re the Warner brothers!

 **Yakko:** And we’re having an existential crisis!

 **Plucky:** (Shaken, to **Wakko** ) You had me in your mouth!

 **Yakko:** (To the camera) Goodnight, everybody! MWAH!

_After a beat, they resume fighting, the dust cloud firing up once more._ **Bosko** _emerges from the music hall._

**Bosko:** (Worried) Uh-oh! (To the camera) I better call the coppers!

_He pulls an old phone out of his pocket and dials a number. We cut to a bathroom where_ **Honey** _is taking a shower. She plays the tiny streams of water like strings on a harp._

**Honey:** (Sings) Singing in the bathtub! La-ta-de-ta-de!

_Her phone rings and she stretches out a long arm to fetch it._

**Honey:** Heeeeellllo?

 _The camera cuts to_ **Bosko** _hanging up. His face flashes with embarrassment._

 **Bosko:** (Sheepishly) Wrong number.

_He dials again. We are given a montage of_ **Keystone Cops** _getting ready to go out. Some of them jump onto motorcycles, while others get onto horses. One of the horses resembles_ **Bing Crosby** _._

**Keystone Cop:** (Droning) Calling all cars, calling all cars, barney in the streets. I repeat, barney in the streets.

_The brawling ball rolls through_ **Two-Tone Town** _, stars and planets flying from it. All of a sudden. It clears up once more just as it reaches a fruit and vegetable store._

**Cypress:** (Panting) Wait a minute! Wh-What’re we doing? This goes against everything I stand for! I’m a pacifist! There has to be a more civil way of settling this!

 **Yakko:** Uuuuuhhhh… (Beat) Nah, this is the Depression, this is how EVERYONE settles disputes.

_They carry on fighting._ **Yakko** _grabs_ **Plucky** _by his shirt and slaps him several times across the face. Then, he throws him into the vegetable stand, which shatters upon impact in a white cloud._ **Plucky** _sits in the wreckage, his head convulsing like jelly from his beating. He recovers and notices a can of spinach._

**# Stars and Stripes Forever (Instrumental)**

**Plucky** _picks the can of spinach up…and throws it. It hits_ **Yakko** _on the back of the head with a clank. The_ **Warner** _Kid faints._ **Wakko** _sees this._

**Wakko:** (Angrily) Oi! Who conked me bruv?

**Plucky** _whistles innocently. All of a sudden, the_ **WACKYLAND INSANE ASYLUM** _automobile pulls up and_ **Bug’s** _emerges from it, wrapped up in a straitjacket._

**Bug’s:** (Giggling, to **Wakko** ) It was me, Johnny, it was me, hohohohohohoho!

**Wakko** _puts up his dukes._

**Wakko:** (To **Bug’s** ) Well, c’mon, Max Schmeling, I can whip you an’ yer ‘ole family!

_As he says this, an army of white rabbits that look identical to_ **Bug’s** _surround_ **Plucky** _and_ **Wakko** _._

**Wakko:** (Gulps) Potty emergency!

_The army of rabbits lunge on them, creating an even bigger dust cloud. Amidst the brawl,_ **Yakko** _comes to and grabs_ **Wakko** _by his neck. He stretches his brother’s body, causing it to become incredibly thin._ **Wakko** _now resembles a mallet._

**Yakko:** (Angrily) I’ve had all I can stands an’ I can stands no more!

_He bonks the rabbits using_ **Wakko** _as an impromptu weapon._

**Wakko:** (Happily) The last time we did this was when Weed ‘id our mallets when we did Blacksmith Buddy! (Tearfully) That’s probably a lie, too.

_The camera pans over to_ **Cypress** _, who is holding_ **Shirley** _at arm’s length. The younger waterfowl is trying to punch her, but can’t reach._

**Shirley:** (Vehemently) Like, fight back! Fight back, you coward!

 **Cypress:** (Sternly) No.

 **Shirley:** (With angry tears) You…you ain’t takin’ Plucky away without a fight, or some junk! I was his gal first!

 **Cypress:** (Realisation dawning) His gal? Is this the reason for all your sulks and tantrums?

 **Shirley:** (Screams) I AM NOT HAVIN’ A TANTRUM!!

_She bursts into tears, her head in her hands._

**Cypress:** (Softly) Oh, Shirley…

_Upon hearing_ **Shirley** _cry, the fight between_ **Yakko** _,_ **Wakko** _,_ **Plucky** _and the rabbits abruptly halts._

**Plucky:** (Concerned) Shirl?

_He punches_ **Bug's** _in the face: the rabbit was trying to take his wallet._

**# Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen (Instrumental)**

**Shirley:** (Garbled from crying) Like, Plucky was my boyfriend, my Plucky-poo, or some junk an’ I tried to be his gal but he kept bein’ the opposite an’ I tried ta be what he wanted me ta be an’ he tried ta be what I wanted him ta be, but I didn’t like what he’d become so I ran away ta be with Randy but Randy was a jerk so I came back ta be with Plucky but he got with you an’ I’ll be all alone!

 **Yakko:** (Flatly) What?

**Cypress** _ignores him._

**Cypress:** (Softly, to **Shirley** ) Okay, okay… It’s alright. It’s alright… There’s no need to be upset. There, there…

 **Plucky:** Soooo… (Beat) Did she just admit she was wrong?

**Cypress** _glares at him, causing him to subside._

**Cypress:** (To **Shirley** ) Listen… I like Plucky, but he’s not my boyfriend. He’s too young. He’s just a kid.

**Plucky** _looks noticeably hurt by this but holds his tongue._

**Cypress:** So, this is the whole reason why you’ve been acting so nastily. You were jealous?

**Shirley** _nods, large tears dripping off the tip of her bill. The camera cuts to_ **Yakko** _and_ **Wakko** _, who are also in tears._

**Cypress:** (Chuckles) You have no reason to be, young lady. All I see in front of me is an upset little girl who’s been beaten by the world. And I think I know just what she needs.

_To_ **Shirley’s** _surprise,_ **Cypress** _hugs her. At first, she appears to struggle, but all of a sudden, she feels comforted and safe. She smiles._

**Yakko:** Can I have a hug, too?

 **Cypress:** (Bluntly) Go away.

 **Yakko:** Awwwww, c’mon! I’m havin’ an existential crisis! You’re a cute counsellor! Couldn’t ya give me a smooch?

 **Cypress:** (To Yakko) You don’t have any experience with women, do you?

 **Yakko:** (Indignantly) Yes, I do! I practised with my sister!

**Cypress** _and_ **Shirley** _relinquish their embrace as everyone stares at_ **Yakko** _._

**Wakko:** (Innocently) We were locked in a water tower for a really, really, really, really long time.

_After a beat, the_ **Keystone Cops** _suddenly enter the scene on motorbikes and horses. They all brandish truncheons. They all attack_ **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _,_ **Cypress** _, the_ **Warners** _and the rabbits, the enormous dust cloud returning once more._

**Act Six**

**Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Dot** _are talking near the mobile home. The three of them all seem really happy._ **Uncle Stinky** _is on the phone, talking to someone. An_ **Intertitle** _appears to translate what he’s saying._

**Uncle Stinky:** (Yes, well, it’s been wonderful to see you, too. Keep up the good work, old boy. Alright then, I shall be sure that I will make further contact with you once more another day. Goodbye, Mr Mickel.)

_The_ **Intertitle** _disappears and he hangs up the phone. The camera cuts to the pig, skunkette and_ **Warner** _sister._

**Fifi:** (Cheerfully) Zis eez making pour un wonderful idea pour un spinoff! Toons who resemble zose from the early days dans un modern setting! Eet could focus on how zey adopt…

 **Hamton:** (Correcting) Adapt.

 **Fifi:** …Adapt to un different life! Eet eez perfect!

 **Hamton:** Not ta mention nostalgic!

 **Dot:** (Modestly) Awww, you guys! If we ain’t real…whatever it was Mickey said, then at least my brothers an’ I can start over. (Confidently) This spinoff will most likely make the other shows become obsolete, or my name isn’t Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca the Third!

**Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _are knocked for six by this name._

**Hamton:** (Surprised) How did ya get the name, “Dot”?

 **Dot:** (Shrugs) I dunno. (Sweetly) But call me “Dottie” and you die.

 **Fifi:** (Beat) Okay…

**Uncle Stinky** _walks up to them. An_ **Intertitle** _appears once more to translate._

**Uncle Stinky:** (I say, where are Plucky, Shirley and Cypress? It’s nearly time for us to leave!)

 _The_ **Intertitle** _disappears. Almost as soon as it does, the camera pans over to reveal_ **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _,_ **Cypress** _and the_ **Warners** _trudging up. They’re all bruised and battered._ **Plucky** _has_ _a black eye, whilst_ **Wakko’s** _arms and legs keep falling off._

 **Cypress:** (Groans) Let’s get out of this barbaric place. People in the 30s settle arguments in the most uncivilised way…

 **Yakko:** (To **Dot** ) C’mon. Let’s go see Scratchy so he can sort this existential crisis out.

 **Dot:** (To **Y &W**) Actually, we’re gonna hang out with these guys for a while.

 **PS &C: **(Aghast) WHAT?!

 **Y &W:** (Ecstatic) REALLY?!

 **Dot:** (Cheerfully, to **Y &W**) Fifi’s looking for a new show ta pitch to Warner Bros. She an’ Hamton agreed that the three of us would be the perfect protagonists. Old is the new New, y’know. Besides, we all get a ride home, so we win either way!

 **Wakko:** (Excited) Faboo! I can direct again!

 **Yakko:** (Snarky) You probably never did.

 **Wakko:** (Confused) Eh? B-But what about when we were sailors an’ I were doin’ them armpit farts and… (Beat) Me ‘ead ‘urts.

 **Plucky:** (Outraged, to **F &H**) What’re you guys thinkin’?! These…weird puppy-dog brats are nothin’ but trouble! Besides, the show’s supposed ta be about ME!

 **Shirley:** (Angrily) Like, it’s supposed ta be about US! I can’t believe how mondo selfish you…

 **Cypress:** (Screams) THAT’S ENOUGH!! (Beat, to **P &S**) I’m sure Fifi and Hamton have their reasons for lettin’ these…interesting kids join us, but we still have a few things ta sort out with you two.

_Before she can say any more, we hear a loud whistling noise and everybody turns to see the_ **Keystone Cops** _thundering towards them._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) Gettin’ chased by the constabulary is really getting’ old.

_With that, they all jump into the mobile home. As the vehicle roars into life, the back left wheel paws the ground like a bull before it zooms offscreen._

**Plucky:** (Narrating) I got ta know Shirley a bit more today. In an admittedly interesting manner. But I don’t like these Warner brats. They’re tryin’ ta steal the spotlight out from under me. But they’re Feef’s an’ Hammy’s problem. I gotta patch things up with Shirley an’ Cypress. Perhaps once we get outta this monochrome time-warp, things’ll clear up in some way. Spinoff Log: End of Entry 11.

 **Chorus:** (Singing) Make life worthwhile, c’mon an’ SMILE, DARN YA, SMILE!

_We iris out._

**A LOONEY TUNE**

**A**

**Redtop95.HKUriah**

**MUSICAL CARTOON**

**Bosko:** That’s all, folks!

_The film breaks in the projector and the screen goes white._

**CREDITS**

 

Written by: **Redtop95**

Creative Consultants: **Pepe-K** and **HKUriah**

 **Cypress Duck** is owned by: **Smallj85**


	14. It's Time for Change

_We fade to a shot of the_ **Warner Bros. Studios** _in Burbank._ **Ralph the Guard** _stands at his post, opening the gate for various employees heading to work. Among the many vehicles is the_ **Batmobile** _._ **Robin Williams** _also flies past dressed as_ **Peter Pan** _._

**Ralph:** Duuuh, hello, Mr. Batman, sir!

_The phone in his booth rings._ **Ralph** _ignores it, seemingly unaware of its ringing. After a beat, he answers it._

**Ralph:** Duuuh, hello, Ralph T. Guard’s office, Ralph T. Guard speaking… (Confused) Wait a minute…

_He reaches down his trousers and pulls his underpants up. We see the words_ **RALF T. GOURD** _written on them._

**Ralph:** (Cheerfully) Yep, this is DEFINITELY Ralph T. Guard speaking.

_He winces as he receives the irate response._

**Mr. Plotz:** (Offscreen) Ralph, what are you doing?! You’re supposed to be looking for the Warners!

 **Ralph:** (Solemnly) I’m sorry, Mr. Plotz, boss, sir, ma’am but a good security guard NEVER shirks his duties!

 **Mr. Plotz:** (Groans) Ralph, it was YOUR shirking that let them out!

 **Ralph:** (Protesting) But you don’t understand! Those Warners are tricky! They escaped via means of malicious manipulation!

 _We are given a flashback of_ **Ralph** _dressed up like a Beefeater_ _and marching to and fro in front of the huge iron shield-shaped door of the Water Tower._

 **Wakko:** (From inside the Water Tower) Ralph, can I ‘ave a drink ‘o’ water?

**Ralph** _climbs down the ladder and disappears offscreen. After a beat, he returns with a glass of water. He opens the huge metal shield-shaped door and the_ **Warners** _rush out. Without noticing that something’s amiss,_ **Ralph** _places the glass of water in the tower and closes the door, continuing his patrol. Offscreen, we can hear sirens going off, vehicles crashing and a woman screams._

_The flashback ends._

**Mr. Plotz:** (Frustrated) I don’t care how they got out, all I know is that it was YOUR fault! Now, go get them back! The last time they got out, Yakko nearly had Disney suing us! I want you to go out there and DON’T bother coming back until you have the three of those demons!

**Ralph** _stands to attention, the receiver dangling from the phone._

**Ralph:** (Military-like) Duuuh, sir, yes, sir!

_He marches offscreen. We hear several cars honking as the camera pans out to reveal a huge queue waiting to get into the studio. One of the vehicles is a limousine. A furry arm with a yellow glove on its hand emerges from the window._

**???:** It sure is perpblblblblblblblblblblblexing how that dope still has a job!

 

**THE PLUCKY DUCK SHOW**

**Episode 14**

**It’s Time for Change**

**Or**

**And the Warners make Nine**

**Act One**

_The mobile home pulls up to a gas station._ **Wakko** _bursts out of the door and makes a beeline for the restroom._

**Wakko:** (Frantically) Potty, potty, potty, potty, potty, potty!

_He opens the restroom door and slams it behind him. We hear the sound of a light being switched on. There is a beat._

**Wakko:** (Screams) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!

_He crashes through the door, leaving a hole in the shape of his body._ **Wakko** _has toilet paper stuck on his right foot._ **Maggie, Terre** _and_ **Suzzy Roche** _peer out from the hole._

**Maggie:** (Angrily) You better run, you circus freak!

 _The camera cuts to the mobile home._ **Cypress** _is holding a picket sign which reads_ **“BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT!” Wakko** _runs past her back into the mobile home._

 **Wakko:** (Sobbing) Let’s go somewhere else!

_The mobile home roars into life. It drives off without_ **Cypress** _, and she runs after it. We fade to the mobile home on a highway._

**Yakko:** (Offscreen) Are we there yet?

 **Shirley:** (Irritated, offscreen) No…

 **Yakko:** (Beat, offscreen) Are we there yet now?

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen, annoyed) NO…

 **Wakko:** (Whines, offscreen) We ‘ave to be somewhere! I’m gonna burst!

_We cut to the interior of the mobile home._ **Wakko** _is jumping up and down with his legs crossed,_ **Yakko** _is nonchalantly playing with a paddleball and_ **Dot** _is admiring herself in the mirror._

**Plucky** _looks at the_ **Warners** _as if he’s internally figuring out how to break their necks._ **Shirley** _is trying to meditate, but failing miserably._ **Cypress** _is lying on the bed, out of breath._

 **Plucky:** (Pointing at the toilet, to **Wakko** ) There’s a toilet right HERE! Go have yer potty emergency in there!

 **Dot:** (Angrily) No way! He’ll stink us out!

 **Yakko:** (To the camera) Not as much as the skunk, though.

 **Plucky:** (Narrating) Spinoff Log: Entry 12. I’ve a good mind ta walk out on the Porkster and the La Fume Fatale. Those traitors pulled the rug out from under my feet an’ gave the spotlight ta these freaks. I mean, they’re not even from Tiny Toons! For that matter, what are they? (Sighs) But that’s not important right now. I need ta talk ta Shirl.

**Plucky** _moodily takes a book out of his pocket and begins to read it. The book is called_ **“YOU’RE DESPICABLE, or how Ducks are better than Rabbits” by Daffy Duck** _. All of a sudden, the mobile home screeches to a halt._

**Wakko:** (Joyfully) Potty!

_He yanks the door open and rushes outside. After a beat, he runs back in and snatches_ **Plucky’s** _book from him._

**Plucky:** (Outraged) Hey!

_But_ **Wakko** _is gone. There is a long silence, before he returns._

**Wakko:** (Relieved) I feel a pound lighter!

 **Plucky:** (Angrily, to **Wakko** ) Where’s my book?

 **Wakko:** (Sheepishly) Ran out of toilet roll…

 **Plucky:** (Nauseated) Never mind…

 **Wakko:** In me defence, the author’s number two.

 **Yakko:** (To the camera) Good night, everybody! MWAH!

 **Dot:** (Sweetly, to **Plucky** ) Don’t be too hard on him, Green Daffy. After all, we’re…

 **Shirley:** (Abruptly) Overstayin’ yer welcome?

 **Dot:** (Snaps) No! We’re cute! …At least, I am.

_We cut to_ **Cypress** _brooding over what’s going on._

**Cypress** **:** (Thinking) This is beyond out of hand. Those three dot-eyed kids have spread bad vibes among us ever since we met ‘em. Plucky an’ Shirley need to pick up the pieces in their relationship an’ they can’t with them bein’ a nuisance! (Beat) Wait a minute. I’m the adult here! I’ll take charge!

_She abruptly looks down and the camera pans down to reveal_ **Yakko** _staring between her legs._

**Yakko:** (Nonchalantly, to **Cypress** ) When was the last time you washed your underwear?

 **Cypress** **:** (Horrified) What’re you doing?

 **Yakko:** (Cheerily) Enjoying the view.

 **Cypress** **:** (Angrily) You’re just a kid! You shouldn’t be doin’ that!

 **Yakko:** (Matter-of-factly) Actually, I’m over forty years older than you are.

_We cut to a view of the mobile home’s window from the outside._ **Yakko** _abruptly splats against it like chewing gum._

**Dot:** (Sighs, to **Yakko** ) You do realise ya make yourself ten times creepier when you tell people that?

_We fade to the driving seat of the mobile home._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _sit next to_ **Uncle Stinky** _. They’re all wearing earmuffs._

**Hamton:** (Jokingly) Are the kids playing rough again?

 **Fifi:** (Indifferently) Plucky et Shirley seem upset about ze Warners, mais to each their own, no? (Happily) Zose three are going to give moi zat presidency, ah just know eet! Zeir sense of humour eez unique! Eet feels old-fashioned mais also modern.

 **Hamton:** (Musing) Yeah. It’s like a mix between the Marx Brothers an’ the Three Stooges or somethin’. (Beat) Wanna know what’s interestin’, though?

 **Fifi:** (Curious) Quoi?

 **Hamton:** (Musing) When we entered Two-Tone Town, our physical appearances were altered in order to mesh with the rubber-hose aesthetics, an’ that’s where we met the Warners. Now we’re back ta normal, but they look the same.

 **Fifi:** (Pondering) Now zat tu mention zat… (Beat) Mais at least we know ze colours of zeir clothes.

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Which provides even further proof that they are, in fact, not Inkblots. Whilst Yakko’s and Dot’s respective apparels are passable, young Wakko’s attire is anachronistic to the fashion of the 20s and 30s. The manner in which he wears his baseball cap is similar to how it was worn in 1985…)

 **Wakko:** (Offscreen) Oi! The kids watchin’ don’t understand big words!

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Children become denser every decade.)

_The camera fades to a toll road. The mobile home slows down as it reaches one of the gates._

**Uncle Stinky:** (We’re about to reach a station in which motorists are obliged to pay in order to proceed. In layman’s terms, a toll road. Dearest nephew, would you be so kind as to retrieve some terms of payment from my wallet?)

_We cut to the toll booth._ **Ralph** _is talking to one of the employees, who is trying his best to ignore him._

**Ralph:** (Confused) Duuuh, so you guys are in charge of makin’ sure no cars get through without paying? Where do yous park YOUR cars?

**Yakko** _peers out of the window._

**Yakko:** (Looking around) Hey, hey, hey, why’re we stopping? Wakko’s already been an’ the Love Mobile doesn’t stop for any-

_He does a double take and his eyes shrink in horror as he looks ahead._

**Yakko:** (Horrified) NYAAAAAH!

_He dives back into the mobile home._ **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _and_ **Cypress** _are taken aback by this behaviour._

**Yakko:** (Bellows) WARNER FAMILY MEETING!

**Wakko** _and_ **Dot** _zip up to their older brother, and they get into a huddle, bonking their heads together in the process._

**Yakko:** (Hushed) It’s Ralph!

 **Dot:** (Horrified) Oh, me, oh, my!

 **Wakko:** (Panicking) What do we do?

 **Shirley:** (Nonchalantly) So, what’s got you three quakin’ in yer nonexistent boots, or some junk?

_The trio ignore her._

**Yakko:** Now, don’t worry, brother and sister, I’m gonna confer with our talent scouts...

_We cut to the driver’s seat._ **Hamton** _is searching for some money from his wallet to chip in and_ **Fifi** _looks in her purse._ **Yakko** _abruptly bursts out of the cassette player._

**Yakko:** (Hurriedly) Hey, listen...

 **H &F: **(Screaming) AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!

**Uncle Stinky** _nearly crashes the vehicle in shock!_

**Hamton:** (Clutching his heart, to **Yakko** ) Don’t DO that!

 **Yakko:** (Hurriedly) Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. (To **Fifi** ) Look, can we just pass through without payin’?

 **Fifi:** (Beat, laughs) Do not pull ma jambe, Yakko. We ‘ave to pay. Eet eez ze law, no?

 **Hamton:** (To **Yakko** ) Fifi an’ I may have unknowingly robbed a bank an’ done something...questionable ta celebrate our second anniversary, but we draw the line at fare dodging. (Cheerfully) That could be a good comedy sketch, though!

 **Fifi:** (Excitedly) Oui! Let moi write zat down!

_She searches excitedly for her notebook._

**Yakko:** (Frantically) I don’t wanna break the law… that, uuuuuh, that hippy girl does! She says that the government is sucking us dry with their corporate greed by forcin’ us ta forfeit our hard earned finance whenever we try ta travel across the USA.

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Does the hippy girl have a job?)

**Yakko** _gasps and retreats back into the radio as the mobile home halts at the gate._ **Ralph** _stares intently into the vehicle, seemingly scanning it for his prey. All of a sudden, as he reaches the passenger area, the window flies open and two of the_ **Warners** _pop up from it._ **Yakko** _is dressed up like_ **Groucho Marx** _and_ **Dot** _like_ **Harpo** _._ **Ralph** _does a double take upon seeing them._

**Yakko:** (Wiggling his eyebrows) I’m Groucho…

**Wakko** _pops up wearing a mop top._

**Wakko:** (Jovially) An’ I’m Wakko!

**Dot** _elbows him._

**Wakko:** Ow! I mean Ringo.

 **Yakko:** (To **Ralph** ) Hiya kiddo, whatcha lookin’ for?

 **Ralph:** Duuuh, have yous seen three puppy dog children?

**Shirley’s** _eyes light up, as if she’s heard that question before._

**Yakko:** (Pondering, chomping his cigar) Three puppy dog children… no, sir, we haven’t.

**Dot** _grabs_ **Plucky** _by the throat and thrusts him into_ **Ralph’s** _face._

**Yakko:** (To **Ralph** ) How would ya like a duck?

 **Ralph:** (Confused) Duuuh, why a duck?

 **Yakko:** (To **Ralph** ) I’m alright, how are you?

_Perplexed,_ **Ralph** _turns to look at_ **Wakko** _._

**Wakko:** (Sings) What would you think if I sang out of tune…

 **Yakko:** (Interrupting, to **Wakko** ) I’d think no wonder Paul an’ John never let you sing that often. (To **Ralph** ) So long, sucker!

**Uncle Stinky** _pays the toll and they drive off, leaving the security guard in the dust._

**Ralph:** (To the camera) Duuuh, if I see another set ‘o’ comedians…

_He is interrupted by another car pulling up. The windows wind down to reveal_ **Hugh and Drew the Tasmanian Devils** _. There is an offscreen applause._

**Hugh:** (Jovially, to **Ralph** ) ‘Scuse us, son, another TV show passin’ through, ba-da-bing, ba-da-boo!

 **Drew:** (To **Ralph** ) Boy, I tell ya, if you put on any more weight, you’re gonna pass away!

 

 

**Act Two**

**Plucky:** (To the camera, angrily) What’s with all these cameos?! This is supposed ta be MY show! (Sulkily) I can’t believe even Professor Taz gets his own show…

 **Yakko:** (To **W &D**) Great job, sweet siblings ‘o’ mine! (To **Plucky** ) Thanks, Green Daffy! Second bananas like you sure come in handy in a pinch!

 **Plucky:** (Angrily) Second banana?! ME?! I’m the star of this spinoff Feef’s gonna propose!

 **Dot:** (Smugly) Correction: WAS the star. It’s ours, now!

 **Shirley:** (Shaken, to **YW &D**) Like…you guys are on the run, or some junk…aren’t ya?

_The_ **Warners** _freeze as the three waterfowl stare them down._ **Wakko** _and_ **Dot** _look nervously at_ **Yakko** _, silently awaiting his answer to get them out of trouble._

**Yakko:** (Chuckles) Uhhhhh… ‘On the run’ is such a strong phrase. We’re actually supposed ta be locked up, but we escaped.

 **Wakko:** (Pouts) I never got me drink ‘o’ water.

 **Plucky:** (Beat, screaming) STOP THE VEHICLE!! WE HAVE THREE MANIACS ON BOARD!!

_We cut to a view of the mobile home screeching to a halt._ **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _and_ **Cypress** _all fly out, hitting the pavement with a THUMP!_

**Fifi:** (Offscreen, angrily) Zat eez eet! We are sick et tired of your petulant bickering! Ze three of vous ‘ad better kiss et powder…

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen, correcting) Make up.

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen, angrily) MAKE up eef vous want to travel avec us! Come back when vous are all friends…or DO NOT COME BACK AT ALL!

_The mobile home drives off without them._

**Cypress:** (Calmly) Y’know what? She’s right. (To **P &S**) You two can’t go on actin’ like kids.

 **Shirley:** (Snarky) Like, accordin’ ta you, we ARE kids.

 **Cypress:** (Musing) Well, that’s true… (Snaps) But you’re missing the point! It’s painfully obvious that the two of you want ta kill each other! And the main reason you two don’t get along is because you’re distant. You don’t open up to each other, but that ends now!

 **Plucky:** (Terrified) We left Rosenham an’ Feefenstern alone with three dot-eyed lunatics! We gotta save ‘em! (Proudly) Then I’ll be a hero!

 **Cypress:** (Sternly) Hamton and Fifi will be fine! They chose ta look after those problem kids. Right now, we have bigger fish ta fry! (Beat) I hate that expression…

_She gets to her feet._

**Cypress:** (Dutifully, to **P &S**) You two need help. I know just the guy!

_We cut to a building. There is a sign above the front door which reads_ **“I’M GONNA LOVE YOU JUST A LITTLE MORE”** _in fluorescent pink letters._ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _look up at it doubtfully._

**Shirley:** (To **Cypress** ) Like, you want us ta…mate?

 **Plucky:** (Cheerfully) I’m game for that!

 **Cypress:** (Disgusted) What? No! (Glowingly) When I was with the Strawberry Fields, we travelled all across America. But we always came here…to see Barry!

 **Shirley:** (With a raised eyebrow) Barry?

 **Cypress:** (Sighs) Barry knows everything there is to know about love. If he can’t help us, then no-one can!

_She strides forward to the door and knocks on it. The two younger waterfowl slowly walk up to join her._

**???:** (Offscreen) Hey there, who’s there?

 **Cypress:** (Excitedly) Barry! It’s me, Cypress!

_The door slowly opens and a walrus wearing sunglasses and an afro flops out._ **Cypress** _clasps her hands together with joy!_

**Cypress:** (Excited) Barry!

 **Barry:** (Ecstatic) Cypress!

_They embrace (_ **Cypress** _is nearly squished)._

**Barry:** (To **Cypress** ) How’s the first, my last, my everything doin’?

 **Cypress:** (Sighs) Barry, I need your help. (Deadly calm) We have a love crisis.

 **Barry:** (Shocked) A love crisis?! Ohhh, no. That’s not groovy. C’mon inside.

_He and_ **Cypress** _enter the building._ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _are about to follow them when the walrus slams the door behind him._

**Barry:** (Offscreen) So, what’s the love crisis, Cy, baby?

 **Cypress:** (Offscreen) Barry. It’s outside.

_There is a beat before the door opens once more._

**Barry:** (Sheepishly, to **P &S**) Sorry, didn’t see you there. There are times when I’m like a blind man who’s lost his way. C’mon in.

_The teenage waterfowl share an awkward look before entering. They have to squeeze past the large mammal to do so. We cut to the building’s interior. It looks like the interior of a 1970s nightclub. A mirrored ball slowly rotates above the four toons and their bodies are occasionally lit up by multi-coloured lights that are supposed to be shining on the disco ball._ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _sit on two beanbag chairs._

**Shirley:** (Deadpan, thinking) Like, deja vu. After a few minutes, I’m totally gettin’ outta here.

 **Barry:** (To **P &S**) So, you two lovebirds ain’t lovin’, huh? Let’s see if we can fix that.

 **Plucky:** (Snarky) How? Are we gonna have a disco?

 **Cypress:** (Sternly, to **Plucky** ) Take this seriously.

 **Barry:** (Cheerfully) Luckily for you, as well as bein’ a singer, I’m also a marriage counsellor.

 **Shirley:** (Beat) But, Plucky an’ I ain’t married, or some junk.

 **Cypress:** (Winks) Ain’t married YET! Be positive!

 **Plucky:** (Smugly, to **Shirley** ) Yeah, it was YOU who wanted ta meet my aunt so that we could announce our engagement, remember?

 **Shirley:** (Annoyed) Like, you heard what yer girlfriend said, take this serious…

_She is interrupted as the both of them are suddenly electrocuted! When the zapping stops, the two waterfowl have singed feathers and clothes._

**Plucky:** (Woozily) Please pass the ketchup.

_The camera cuts to_ **Barry** _, who lowers his sunglasses._

**Barry:** (Severely) If the two of you keep this peckin’ up, you’d better get used to that.

 **Shirley:** (Coughing, to **Barry** ) Like, how did ya do…

 **Barry:** (Sternly) That ain’t important right now. (Leans forward) To be painfully honest, you’re both miserable together. But unlike most fools in love I’ve worked with, your relationship can be saved. But the two of you need to co-operate. Do you understand?

_The waterfowl look at each other, then they reluctantly face_ **Barry** _._

**P &S: **(Nervously) Yes…

_The walrus’s face softens at hearing this._ **Cypress** _looks excited._

**Barry:** (Happily, to **P &S**) Now, what am I gonna do with you, I hear you ask? You’ll soon find out.

**Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _look at the camera as if to say they’re already regretting this._

 

**Act Three**

**Fifi** _is taking notes from a book with the title_ **“HOW TO GET PRIMA DONNAS TO COOPERATE”** _. After a beat, she finishes writing in her notepad._

**Fifi:** (Satisfied) Zere! Eet eez all written down! (To **Hamton** ) According to ze livre, ze Warners will work avec us dans ze spinoff if we cater to zeir every need.

 **Hamton:** (Surprised) Are you sure?

 **Fifi:** (Cheerily) Positive, mon cher! Zese celebrities always give eet zeir all eef zey feel zat zey are dans un environment zat eez safe et nurturing pour zem. Zerefore, tu et ah shall take care of zem as eef zey were our own children. Only we shall always let zem ‘ave zeir way.

 **Hamton:** (Beat, teasingly) Adoption? I thought we were gonna…

 **Fifi:** (Interrupting, giggling) Not until we finished college.

 **Hamton:** (Worried) Fifi, I know ya wanna be the WB president an’ we’ve finally found our idea for a show, but are ya sure this is a good idea? I mean, parents, including adoptive ones, are supposed ta nurture their kids and teach them right and wrong. By giving the Warners what they want, when they want it, don’t ya think we’ll be...spoiling them?

 **Fifi:** (Reassuringly) Hamtone, ah know vat ah am doing. Ah ‘ave recorded all of zese tips dans my notebook. We can always look back at zem if things start to go wrong. Besides, from vat Dot told us, ze Warners are several years older zan us. Zey are adults, et zey shall know better zan to make us spoil zem.

_We cut to the back of the mobile home._ **Dot** _is strangling_ **Wakko** _._ **Yakko** _watches, amused._

**Dot:** (Lividly) How DARE you burp in my general direction!

 **Wakko:** (Wheezes) At least...it weren’t...from the other end!

 **Yakko:** (To **Wakko** ) Hey, lemme know when you’ll do that, I’ve got the matches handy!

_The door opens and_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _walk through it. Regardless,_ **Dot** _continues to throttle her brother._

**Hamton:** (Sternly) Dot, leave Wakko alone.

 **Dot:** (Outraged) What?! But he burped at me!

 **Fifi:** (Sternly) Wakko, do not burp at your soeur, s’il vous plait.

 **Yakko:** (With mock anger, to **Fifi** ) Siding with another girl, that is SO like you.

**Fifi** _briefly glowers but takes a deep breath and exhales._

**Fifi:** (To the **Warners** ) Okay, ah want vous all to listen carefully. Congratulations pour being ze perfect stars pour ze spinoff mes amis et moi ‘ave been looking for.

 **Yakko:** (Dismissively) No problem, okay, I’m bored, let’s have fun.

_He begins to bounce on the bed._

**Yakko:** (Joyfully) Boingy, boingy, boingy!

 **Hamton:** (Calmly, to **Yakko** ) We’re not finished yet, Yakko. Please sit down.

**Yakko** _halts in mid-air and falls on his behind, scowling sulkily._

**Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Merci. (To the **Warners** ) As ah was saying, Hammy et moi shall take care of ze three of you until we arrive at ze Fréres Warners studio. Do not be shy enough to ask pour whatever vous want. Nothing eez too much trouble pour us.

 **Yakko:** (Beat) WARNER FAMILY MEETING!

**Wakko** _and_ **Dot** _zip up to their older brother, and they get into a huddle, bonking their heads together in the process. They speak in hushed tones._

**Yakko:** (Ecstatic) This is perfect! We’re gonna get our own show AND we’re gonna get a free ride home whilst bein’ waited on hand an’ foot!

 **Wakko:** (Unsure) So, we’re gonna abuse their ‘ospitality?

 **Yakko:** Uhhhhh… Abuse is such a strong word. Let’s just say that we’re gonna take this opportunity VERY seriously. Besides, these guys ain’t used to us like Scratchy. If we do somethin’ they don’t like, we can do that cute thing we always do.

 **Dot:** (Indignantly) Y’mean I always do.

 **Yakko:** (Indifferently) Whatever.

_They break out of their huddle and turn to face the pig and skunkette, who both look nervous._

**Yakko:** (Smugly, to **H &F**) Okay, you two crazy kids, we’ll play ball with ya.

_Relief literally washes over the couple._

**Yakko:** (Cheerfully) Since you guys are willin’ ta give us whatever we want…

_The three of them present an enormous scroll and unfurl it. It covers_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _like a huge blanket._

**Dot:** (Sweetly) We complied together this list.

_We cut to a view of the list. We can see a few of the demands the Siblings have made, such as:_

  * **Don Knotts**
  * **Mel Gibson**
  * **A Harem (G’night, everybody!)**
  * **A Roast Dinner**
  * **Ice Cream**
  * **Cake (not Fruit!)**
  * **A Teddy Bear**



**Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _go over the list, their relief fading away once more._

**Fifi:** (Giggles nervously) M-Merci. Eet will be no problem pour Hammy et moi to find zese things pour vous.

**Act Four**

_We fade to_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _. They’re both sat at separate desks._ **Cypress** _walks past them, laying a sheet of paper and a pen in front of them as she goes._ **Barry** _flops up to the huge space between them. Adjusting his sunglasses, he speaks._

**Barry:** (To **P &S**) Okay, now. We’re gonna do a little roleplay. I want the two of you to write about each other. Specifically, your negative sides. Then, I want you to swap papers and read what your partner has written about you.

 **Cypress:** (Meekly) Don’t use too much paper, though. Think about the trees…

**Shirley** _smirks as her_ **Aura** _emerges from her body to spy on_ **Plucky** _. She does a double take as it is suddenly sucked into a Dustbuster being held by_ **Barry** _._

**Shirley:** (Aghast) Like, NO! Give her back!

 **Barry:** (Sternly, to **Shirley** ) No cheatin’.

_There is a flash of lightning and_ **Shirley** _is charred and singed._

**Shirley:** (Dazedly) Yodel-ay-dee-hoo, or some junk…

**Plucky** _sniggers nastily. There’s another flash of lightning and he ends up just the same as his girlfriend._

**Plucky:** (Dizzily) An’ the lights went out all over the world…

 **Barry:** (Pleasantly) You’ve got half an hour. Remember. Change, it’s time for Change. Go.

_The two waterfowl immediately begin writing. We begin a montage of them focusing on what they have to say about each other._ **Plucky** _occasionally looks over his words and chuckles, whilst_ **Shirley** _gets angrier with every word she writes down. While this is happening,_ **Barry** _and_ **Cypress** _are disco dancing. Finally, they come up to the desks._

**Cypress:** (Cheerfully) Times up! Swap your papers and we can begin the session!

**Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _snatch the papers from each other, gazing grimly into each other’s eyes as they do so._

**Cypress:** (Pleasantly) Okay, Plucky. You can go first. Tell us what Shirley has said about you.

_The blonde loon smirks._ **Plucky** _clears his throat and looks down at the sheet of paper in his hands._

**Plucky:** (Reading aloud) Hello, it’s me, Pluggy Doug. No, it’s Ploogy Doog. Oh, yeah, now I remember: it’s Green Daffy! (Beat) That’s right, my name’s Green Daffy, since I’m no different from my loser of a mentor, both physically and mentally. (Takes a deep breath) Did you know I’m overly insecure? I hate rabbits. I want to see rabbits burn in a fire. Wanna know why? Because they’re better than me.

**Plucky** _turns red in the face and grits his teeth._

**Cypress:** (Uneasily) Go on…

 **Plucky:** (Reading aloud) They’re better than me because they’re self-sacrificing, caring and a friend to everyone they meet, whereas I’m a selfish, greedy, conceited, cantankerous squab who can’t stand being second best. I hate being second best. I want the world to love me. If I can’t be number one, then no-one can. I will willingly throw the people I love under the bus ta get what I want. (Takes a deep breath) Those that I care about throw their lives and money away ta be with me an’ make me happy, but who cares about paying them in kind? Not me! I don’t care whose feelings I hurt, whose hearts I break. As long as they get me to the top! But, guess what? I always fail miserably, but it’s always their fault. Not mine!

_The camera pans over to_ **Shirley** _, at first, she seemed satisfied about listening to_ **Plucky** _self-deprecate, but now a tear is rolling down her cheek._

**Plucky:** (Reading aloud) I’ve never cared about my friends or my soulmate. This whole time, it’s just been about me… (Falters) I can’t believe my soulmate was stupid enough ta want ta marry me. But, ah, well, I’ve got my own show and I’m number one, so…who needs her? Who needs anybody? I’m going to spend the rest of my life…alone…but I don’t care, because I’m…happy…

**Plucky** _freezes as he realises that the last part of the description was taken directly from_ **Shirley’s** _breakup note._

**Barry:** (Whistles) I must say, Shirley sure has a lot of bottled-up emotions about you! But now, they’re in the open so we can work on them.

**Cypress** _makes a move to see if the green duck is okay, but_ **Barry** _stops her._

**Cypress:** (Reluctantly) Shirley…it’s your turn. Let’s hear Plucky’s thoughts on you.

_Wiping her eyes,_ **Shirley** _looks down at the scruffy scrawls on the piece of paper. She begins to read._

**Shirley:** (Reading aloud) Like, hi-yee, I’m Shirley the Loon, or some junk! Like, I’m soooo mondo lovin’ an’ carin’ or some junk, but guess what. That’s totally a façade. In reality, I’m actually one of the biggest hypocrites in Acme Acres! I spend most of my life sittin’ on my big fat butt chantin’ some garbled garbage an’ talkin’ about peace an’ love. I also like starin’ into some mystical bowlin’ ball an’ tellin’ people their futures an’ sayin’ that you can’t avoid ‘em, or some junk. That’s totally mature an’ philosophical, huh? Well, you wanna know why I’m a mondo phoney? When things start goin’ south, I run away! I’m a coward, for sure!

_She pauses, going red in the face. Whether it’s from anger or embarrassment is up to the reader._

**Barry:** (Pointedly) Keep goin’.

 **Shirley:** (Reading aloud) Y’know, perhaps I shoulda hooked up with Fowlmouth after all, since we’re both chicken! But then again, if I did, I’d be lyin’, and that totally goes against my conduct or some junk. Oh, yeah, I go against it anyway, so fiddle-dee-dee! Do you wanna hear a secret? I can read minds, or some junk! That’s mondo cool, huh? It’s perfect for spyin’ on people’s thoughts. Because I never learned the meanin’ of privacy, even though I’ll zap you into oblivion if I catch ya readin’ my diary! How else am I a charlatan? (Falters) I expect people to accept each other as they are… unless they’re my boyfriend.

_She briefly pauses and reluctantly carries on._

**Shirley:** (Continues reading aloud) Everybody totally has flaws, even me. But while others are willin’ ta improve their mistakes, I don’t. I want the people around me ta change. At least my duck-toad of a boyfriend tries ta do that once in a while, but he is what he is. Nah, I want him ta be what I want him ta be! Some mondo mellow moron fresh from the 60s who just whines about the environment and war!

**Cypress** _frowns but holds her tongue._

**Shirley:** (Reading aloud) But, y’know, what? Him bein’ what I wanted ta be wasn’t what I had in mind after all, so I did what I do best in times of trouble: give up. But, I suppose it’s everyone else’s fault for tryin’, or some junk.

_She finishes reading, absentmindedly dropping the sheet of paper as she looks up. The two waterfowl both look stunned at talking about themselves in such a negative manner. After a beat, they find their voices._

**Plucky:** (Shaken, to **Shirley** ) So…this is what you think of me.

 **Shirley:** (Dumbfounded) Have I been goin’ against everything I stand for this whole time?

 **Barry:** (Unconcerned) You learn somethin’ new about each other every day. Now that your true feelings for each other are out in the open, we can really get to work!

 

**Act Five**

**Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _stand near the oven._ **Fifi** _is dicing up some carrots and chopping up onions whilst_ **Hamton** _stuffs a_ **Turkey** _that resembles_ **Jimmy Durante** _._

**Turkey:** (To the camera) Well, dey got me. I ain’t poifect all da time.

 **Hamton** _puts the_ **Turkey** _in a roasting tray and covers it with olive oil whilst_ **Fifi** _surrounds it with the carrots and onions that she’s been working on._ **Hamton** _then places the_ **Turkey** _in the preheated oven and closes the door._

 **Fifi:** (Cheerfully) Ze best way to get on ze dark side…

 **Hamton:** (Correcting) Good side…

 **Fifi:** (Cheerfully) GOOD side of ze child actor eez to ensure zat zey are well-fed at all times. If zis meal does not impress zem, nothing will!

_Unbeknown to the pig and skunkette, the cupboard door slowly opens. We hear the faint sounds of huffing air, and a balloon begins to expand, slowly protruding out of the cupboard. After a few seconds it stops expanding, and a familiar gloved hand pricks it with a pin._

_There is a deafening KA-BOOM!!_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _leap into the air in shock!_

**Fifi:** (Horrified) Ca c'était quoi?!  

 **Hamton:** (Worried) Maybe there’s been a blow-out!

_They rush offscreen to see what has happened._ **Yakko** _emerges from the cupboard. He looks at the camera and hushes it, before silently opening the oven door and slipping a bag of popcorn into it. He retreats into the cupboard. After a beat,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _come back._

**Fifi:** (Confused) Oncle Stinky says zat ze tyres are fine. Quelle strange! (Shrugs) Oh, well, c’est la vie.

 **Hamton:** (Nonchalantly, to **Fifi** ) So, we’ve made ‘em the roast dinner. What else is on their list ‘o’ demands?

 **Fifi:** (Musing) Hmmm, let moi see…

_She takes out the huge list and consults it. As she does so, the camera slowly pans down to the oven. It begins to shake ominously._

**Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Zey also want ze gateau et ice cream. Ah do not think zat we ‘ave made zat just yet.

_Their ears both prick up as they hear a faint popping sound coming from the oven._

**Hamton:** (Uneasy) That’s weird. Turkeys don’t usually make that sound…

_Looking at each other, they suddenly notice the oven vibrating in an alarming way._ **Hamton** _nervously opens the door…_

_…And with a loud BANG, freshly popped popcorn erupts from the oven, completely flooding the mobile home. After a beat,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _emerge from under the pile._

**Fifi:** (Shocked) Popcorn?! We did not make zat pour dessert!

**Yakko** _bursts out of the cupboard and lands on the sea of popcorn, helpless with laughter._

**H &F: **(Angrily) YAKKO!

**Yakko** _stops laughing._

**Yakko:** (Nervously) Uh-oh. (Sings) United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru! Republic Dominion, Cuba, Caribbean, Greenland, El Salvador too!

_The couple’s faces soften as they hear the kid sing._

**Fifi:** (Pleasantly surprised) Crepe suzette! ‘E can sing!

 **Hamton:** (Pleased) And it’s educational, too!

 **Yakko:** (To the camera) Gets ‘em every time!

_We fade to_ **Uncle Stinky** _and the_ **Warners** _sitting at a dinner table. The siblings pound their knives and forks on it, awaiting their meal._ **Uncle Stinky** _looks unimpressed by their behaviour. After a few seconds,_ **Fifi** _lays six plates on the table, followed by_ **Hamton** _carrying the cooked turkey._

**Fifi:** (Cheerfully) ‘Ere we are… (Through gritted teeth) After getting all ze popcorn out… (Happily) Bon appétit!

 **Dot:** (Disappointed) What? No Weenie Burgers?

**Fifi’s** _and_ **Hamton’s** _jaws hit the table._

**Dot:** (Shrugs) Better than nothin’.

 **Wakko:** (Moans) I ‘ate carrots.

 **Yakko:** (To **Wakko** ) You haven’t “ate” anythin’ yet. (Excitedly) Last one ta finish is Daffy Duck!

_Throwing their cutlery aside, the_ **Warners** _dogpile on top of the turkey. The plates smash as they’re knocked off the table. Carrots and onions fly asunder, accompanied by the sounds of kicking, punching and munching._ **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Uncle Stinky** _witness this in silent disbelief._

**Uncle Stinky:** (That is a disgusting way to dine. And I’m a pig.)

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) Aren’t we gonna stop ‘em? There’ll be nothin’ left for us!

 **Fifi:** (Clears her throat) Zey must be ‘ungry. Ah am sure zat zey will leave enough pour us.

_The_ **Warners** _get down from the table, which is now empty of any food. Not even a scrap. The_ **Warners’** _bellies are much larger than before._

**Wakko:** BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRP!!

 **Hamton:** (Indignantly) Wakko, that’s disgusting!

 **Yakko:** (Patting his belly) You ain’t heard, or smelled, nothin’ yet.

 **Fifi:** (Uncertainly) Vat do vous mean?

 **Dot:** (Disgusted) Food gives Wakko gas.

_As soon as she says this, she and_ **Yakko** _promptly remove their red noses._

**Wakko:** (Satisfied) Ahhhh…

_The two pigs and the skunkette sniff the air. As soon as they do so, they all turn a sickly green._

**Fifi:** (Chokes) Sacré bleu…

 **Hamton:** (Coughs) That isn’t natural…

_They all faint._

**Act Six**

_We fade to_ **Barry’s** _pad._ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _sit beside each other, whilst_ **Barry** _goes over their respective statements._ **Cypress** _looks oddly distant._

**Barry:** (Pleasantly, to **P &S**) So, what’ve the two of you learned from the statements?

 **Shirley:** (Nervous laugh) Like, I say “like” a lot?

_There is a flash of lightning and_ **Shirley** _is burnt and charred._

**Shirley:** (Woozily) Like, I don’t LIKE that a lot… (Giggles)

 **Barry:** (Patiently, to **Shirley** ) Take this seriously.

 **Plucky:** (With false bravado) I didn’t really see anything wrong with me.

_There is a flash of lightning and_ **Plucky** _is burnt and charred._

**Plucky:** (Burbles) Anyone for tennis?

 **Barry:** (Patiently, to **Plucky** ) Try again.

 **Plucky:** (Defiantly) What? That wasn’t me at all.

_There is another flash of lightning and_ **Plucky** _is even more burnt and charred._

**Plucky:** (Angrily) Stop doin’ that!

 **Barry:** (Simply) I’ll stop when you start listenin’.

 **Plucky:** (Furiously) I AM listening! An’ I’m tellin’ ya, I’m nothin’ like she said I was!

 **Cypress:** (Sharply) Plucky. That’s enough.

_Everyone looks at the older duck in shock! Knocked for six by this,_ **Plucky** _reluctantly speaks once more._

**Plucky:** (Quietly) I have…issues.

 **Barry:** (Smugly) What was that?

 **Plucky:** (A bit louder) I have issues.

 **Barry:** (Knowingly) Did you say somethin’?

**Plucky** _turns red in the face. We hear the sound of a kettle boiling as steam billows from his ears. Unable to take it anymore, he leaps to his feet in a fit of rage._

**Plucky:** (Screams) I HAVE ISSUES!! I’M SICK ‘O’ BEIN’ NUMBER TWO!! I HATE RABBITS BECAUSE THEY’RE BETTER THAN ME AND I CAN’T STAND IT!! I WANT THE WORLD TA LOVE ME!! IT’S MY DESTINY!!

_Panting heavily, he collapses onto the floor._

**Barry:** (Unconcerned) Feel better?

 **Plucky:** (Voice muffled) Moderately…

 **Barry:** (Nonchalantly) You may be second best, but when it comes to love, you’re in last place. Of course, it’s not only you who’s makin’ this relationship rocky. (To **Shirley** ) You never seem to practice what you preach, little missy.

 **Shirley:** (Nervously) Well, like, I…that’s kinda mondo over the top, huh? Especially since it’s from the perspective of…

_She gets no further as she is struck by lightning._

**Barry:** (To **Shirley** ) There’s no use denyin’ it, honey. Your connection with your man is goin’ down the pan. An’ you know that the blame isn’t completely on Plucky. It takes two to tango. Now, what’re you doing wrong?

 **Shirley:** (Gulps) I’m…I’m…not acceptin’ Plucky for the way he is?

 **Barry:** (Happily) You admitted it without any pressure! You learn fast! You both sure have a lot ta learn, but now playtime is over. (Sternly, to **P &S**) This is your last chance ta save what’s left of your dwindling love. And I’m never ever gonna quit until the two ‘o’ you learn from your mistakes and overcome your personal problems. Even if it takes all night.

 **Plucky:** (Swallows) B-But I don’t work well at night!

 **Shirley:** (Rolling her eyes) Tell me about it…

 **Cypress:** (Bluntly) Plucky, Shirley. You can’t go on like this. We want to help you, and if you’re gonna push us away, then you may as well give up an’ go back ta bein’ petulant children. It’s time for you to grow up and accept responsibility.

_Slightly taken aback by_ **Cypress’s** _cold demeanour,_ **Plucky** _reluctantly backs down._

**Plucky:** (Quietly) Okay. I’m ready… But I gotta warn ya: I don’t have much stamina when it gets dark so…

_He suddenly conks out, snoring obnoxiously._ **Barry** _and_ **Cypress** _look at the time. It says 10 o’clock._ **Plucky** _sleeps for a few seconds before he’s struck by lightning. This wakes him up._

**Barry:** (To the camera) I love the smell of roast duck in the morning… (Beat) Well, it’s evening now, but you know what I mean.

_We cut to the mobile home at night._ **Yakko** _,_ **Wakko** _and_ **Dot** _are dressed in pyjamas._ **Dot** _has a mud pack on her face and her hair (and ears) is in curlers._ **Fifi** _sprays the twentieth air freshener that she and_ **Hamton** _have used into the air. It’s now free of_ **Wakko’s** _gas._

**Fifi:** (Pleasantly, to the **Warners** ) Okay, ah believe zat eet eez now time pour ze hitting of ze hay, no? Where would vous like to sleep pour ze night?

 **Yakko:** (Quickly) We’ll take that one.

_Without further ado, they all dive into a double bed._

**Hamton:** (Protesting, to the **Warners** ) Hey! No, no, no, that’s OUR bed!

_He balks as_ **Fifi** _gives him a warning look._

**Hamton:** (Reluctantly, to the **Warners** ) Well…make yourself at home, I guess…

**Wakko’s** _already fallen asleep. He lies between his brother and sister, sucking his thumb._ **Dot** _reads a book titled_ **“Lady Chatterley’s Lover”** _._

**Yakko:** (Innocently, to **Fifi** ) Could you kiss me goodnight?

 **Fifi:** (Surprised) Moi?

 **Yakko:** (Nods) The boogieman will get me if you don’t. You don’t want your rising stars ta get snatched away in the night, do ya?

**Fifi** _looks uncomfortably at_ **Hamton** _, whose fists mysteriously clench. The skunkette moves closer to the bed. She kisses two fingers, intending to tap them on the_ **Warner** _kid’s forehead._

_In the blink of an eye,_ **Yakko** _sits up, seizes_ **Fifi** _by the waist and thrusts his lips onto hers._ **Fifi** _gives a muffled cry in shock and tries to free herself, but_ **Yakko** _is latched onto her like a barnacle to a boat. His right hand slinks down her leg._ **Hamton** _rushes forward and socks the_ **Warner** _kid in the face._ **Yakko** _lets go of the skunkette as the pig’s fist collides with his right cheek._

_Stars and planets orbit his woozy head._

**Yakko:** (Blearily) I told ya not ta let Hitler have his way, Chamberlain, but nooooo!

**Fifi** _wheels around and sprays some musk at the_ **Warner** _kid._ **Yakko** _faints with a silly grin._

**Dot:** (Without looking up, regarding **Yakko** ) That was how he got expelled from school.

 **Fifi:** (Horrified) Vat ‘ave ah done?!

 **Hamton:** (Outraged) What do ya mean, what’ve you done?! Did ya see what that lounge lizard was tryin’ ta do?

 **Fifi:** (Shaken) Ah know, mais ‘e does not know any better, no? Ah was too ‘arsh… (Beat) We shall let ‘im know zat ‘is behaviour eez NOT tolerated in ze morning.

**Hamton** _pats her on the shoulder as she composes herself._

**Fifi:** (Briskly) Now zen. We shall ‘ave to decide where WE are going to sleep.

 **Hamton:** (Clears his throat) I’m sure Uncle Stinky has a spare Pig Scout sleeping bag somewhere.

_They walk offscreen._

**Dot:** (Deadpan) Yakko, please get off me. I have a headache.

 **Yakko:** (Disappointed) Darn!

_We fade to_ **Hamton** _laying a blue sleeping bag on the floor next to the bed._ **Fifi** _stretches as she watches him unzip it. In order to lighten the mood, she thinks of something to cheer them both up._

**Fifi:** (Flirtatiously, to **Hamton** ) Zis seems familiar, non?

 **Hamton:** (As he works) Yeah. The last time we slept like this, it was when you came ta Summer Camp with me an’ that jerk Randy. (Reminiscing despite himself) You didn’t have a sleeping bag, so I offered you mine…

 **Fifi:** (Giggles) Like ze gentleman tu are. Mais ze night air was cold, et ah did not want tu to suffer, so we kept each other snugly warm.

**Yakko** _silently groans offscreen._ **Fifi** _climbs into the sleeping bag, doing her best to lie on one side of it so that_ **Hamton** _can get in with her. He does so with much difficulty. The sleeping bag was not made for two people, so the pig and skunkette are squished against each other._

**Fifi:** (Muffled, to **Hamton** ) Trés cosy, no?

_She tries to turn over, struggling as she does so._

**Fifi:** (Yelps) Hammy! Your foot eez on ma tail!

 **Hamton:** (Flustered) Sorry! (Beat) Feef, wh-whatever you do, don’t move yer left foot any further. You’re near a… sensitive area…

 **Fifi:** (Gasps) Sacré bleu! Eet eez getting ‘ot dans ‘ere!

**Yakko** _silently gasps offscreen._

**Hamton:** (Pants) You’re tellin’ me! How can ya sleep in this temperature with all that fur?

_He rolls over, just as_ **Fifi** _does. They get tangled up with each other and finish up face to face._

**Fifi:** (Chuckles awkwardly) Bon nuit, mon cher.

 **Hamton:** Yeah. Bon nuit, Bebe.

_They close their eyes and go to sleep…for twenty seconds._

**Dot:** (Disgusted, offscreen) Wakko, not again!

 **Wakko:** (Sobbing, offscreen) I ‘ad a bad dream!

 **Yakko:** (Shouting, offscreen) Talent scouts! Wakko had an accident!

**Fifi’s** _and_ **Hamton’s** _eyes snap open. The camera fades to_ **Ralph** _standing outside the_ **“All-Nighter Laundrette”** _and talking to_ **Bull Gator and Axl** _._

**Bull:** (Knowingly) …You see, uh, Rolf. Your problem is that, like my companion, Axl, you’re a pip!

 **Axl:** (To **Ralph** ) Gee, we’re like apples!

 **Bull:** (Proudly) And I’M the orange among you two!

 **Ralph:** (Puzzled) Duuuh, and I’m hungry!

 **Bull:** (To **Ralph** ) I’ll give you one thing, though. Your tenacity is commendable. You’re willing to travel ALL across the United States to get your hands on those three puppy-dog children. Axl and I are like that. We’ve both travelled far from our native land of Australia in order to capture a family of Tasmanian Devils so that we can make all the zoo-going children happy!

 **Axl:** (To the camera) Although you wouldn’t believe it from our accents.

 **Bull:** (Admonishingly) Axl! Need I remind you that, as a sidekick, acknowledging the fact that you are merely an actor in a Saturday morning cartoon is just as bad as saying something stupid!

 **Axl:** (Sheepishly) Gee, Bull, I’m sorry…

_The mobile home suddenly zooms up and screeches to a halt on the kerb. The door swings open and_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _rush out, carrying the duvet cover. They knock_ **Ralph** _over in the process._

**Ralph:** (Angrily) Duuuh, HEY!

 **Bull:** (Indignantly) Kids today: rush, rush, rush! They don’t hafta be so rude about it!

_The pig and skunkette stop in their tracks._

**Fifi:** (Aghast) Crepe suzette! We are trés sorry, monsieurs! We did not see vous! Do not ‘old eet against us, please! Vous see, zis eez urgent!

 **Hamton:** (Frantically) We’re sorry for incapacitating a police officer on the beat, but our friend had a potty emergency!

_Without saying any more, they dart into the laundrette._

**Ralph:** (Musing) Dat sounds familiar… (Beat) Duuuh, POTTY EMERGENCY?!

_We cut to the interior of the mobile home._ **Wakko** _is sat in the fetal position whilst_ **Yakko** _lectures him._

**Yakko:** (Annoyed, to his brother) Uuuuuhhh… How many times do we hafta tell ya, Wakko? Eating a roast before bed ALWAYS gives you nightmares, and when you have nightmares…you have accidents!

 **Wakko:** (Droning) Can’t sleep. Clown’ll eat me.

 **Dot:** (Irritated) I was havin’ a wonderful dream about Lyle Lovett and once again, my disgusting brother ruined it for me! (Groans) This place stinks, I need some air…

_She crosses over to the curtains and opens them. A scare chord plays as_ **Ralph** _is revealed to be staring through the window._ **Dot** _clears her throat and flicks a tuning fork._

**Dot:** (Shrieks) RAAAAAAAAAAAALLLPH!!

**Yakko** _and_ **Wakko** _turn to see the security guard looking at them._

**Wakko:** (Horrified) I’ve done it again!

 **Ralph:** (Triumphantly) Duuuh, dere yous are! Yer coming with me back to da Water Tower!

 **Dot:** (Frightened) Whadda we do now??

 **Yakko:** (Unfazed) Now, don’t worry, fellas, I got a brilliant plan!

 **Dot:** (Panicky) What is it?

 **Yakko:** LET’S GET OUTTA HERE!!

_We cut to the driving area of the mobile home._ **Uncle Stinky** _sleeps soundly in the passenger’s seat._ **Yakko** _leaps into the driver’s seat and switches on the ignition._

_The camera jumps to the interior of the laundrette._ **Fifi** _throws the duvet cover into a washing machine and searches for some change to put into the slot._ **Hamton** _rushes up with a box of soap powder._

**Hamton:** (Wearily) I’ve found the right powder. It’s guaranteed ta remove urea, chloride, sodium, potassium and creatinine.

_He pours it into the machine and turns it on._

**Fifi:** (Exhausted) Bon. Zis eez just un, how-you-say, lump…

 **Hamton:** (Correcting) Bump…

 **Fifi:** BUMP dans ze road, mon cher. If Wakko ‘as to be potty-trained, zen we will see to eet zat ‘e does. (Yawns) Once ze duvet eez clean et dry, we can all go back to sleep et everything will be…

_Their ears prick up once more upon hearing the sound of a vehicle roaring into life. They turn to see the mobile home start off without them, its tyres squealing._ **Ralph** _,_ **Bull** _and_ **Axl** _are left in the dust._

**Fifi:** (Shocked) Oncle Stinky?!

 

**Act Seven**

**Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _are sat facing each other while_ **Cypress** _and_ **Barry** _are in the background. We hear the faint sounds of tyres squealing and a metallic sounding crash!_

**Plucky:** (Puzzled) What was that?

 **Barry:** (Nonchalantly) Just the sound of three puppy-dog children hijacking a mobile home. (Business-like) Okay, let’s focus. What I want you guys ta do is talk to each other. I want you ta talk about what you’ve written about each other an’ how you can improve. Can you guys do that?

 **Shirley:** (Resolutely) Like, we’ll try.

 **Barry:** Okay. Fire away, you two.

_The waterfowl face each other, unsure of who is going to start first. After an uncomfortable silence,_ **Shirley** _breaks the ice._

**Shirley:** (Casually, to **Plucky** ) So, like, you have issues with bein’ second best?

**Plucky** _winces and is about to angrily retort when he remembers that_ **Barry** _can zap him._

**Plucky:** (Nonchalantly, to **Shirley** ) Yeah… I am… So… you’re a hypocrite.

_The loon takes a deep breath._

**Shirley:** (Reluctantly) Yeah. I totally am. (To **Plucky** ) You’ve been jealous of rabbits for a long time, haven’t you, or some junk.

 **Plucky:** (Sighs) Yeah. I can’t stand how rabbits came an’ took the spotlight out from under us ducks. D.D was the WB star before them! Then, Bugs came along an’ took his fame away.

 **Shirley:** (Surprised) So, like, you act like a jerk because of what happened ta yer mentor?

 **Plucky:** (Bitterly) Yeah. Because ‘o’ that scene-stealin’ rabbit, everybody treated D.D like garbage. Now, that scene-stealin’ rabbit has his own students, who make everybody treat ME like garbage! That was why I wanted my own show. Ta prove that ducks are the funniest animals in the world an’ make D.D proud.

 **Shirley:** (Musing) Like, ya seem ta blame rabbits for everything that goes wrong in both D.D’s life an yours. Funnily enough, a lotta stuff has gone wrong on the way to yer aunt’s house. An’ there totally hasn’t been a rabbit in sight, or some junk.

 **Plucky:** (Uncomfortably) Well, yeah, that’s true, but…

 **Shirley:** (Gently interrupting) Like, perhaps yer missin’ the fact that it might be yer actions that cause you ta constantly get the short end of the stick. An’ the same applies ta D.D. Maybe you choose ta blame others for yer misfortunes when deep down, you know it’s really your fault.

**Plucky** _tries desperately not to yell. He takes a deep breath and calms himself down by exhaling._

**Shirley:** (Continuing) Yer goal in making a spinoff show where you’re the main star completely stems from yer obsession with making the whole world love you. Like, perhaps you need ta realise that there are already people who love you. Just for who you are.

 **Plucky:** (Deadly calm) That’s an interestin’ point of view ta take. But, ya don’t really follow that advice, do ya?

 **Shirley:** (Swallows) Like, no, I mondo don’t.

 **Plucky:** (Nonchalantly) If your words about people lovin’ me the way I am is true…then how come you’ve been tryin’ ta change me ever since we started the trip?

 **Shirley:** (Anxiously) Like, well, I…

 **Plucky:** (Interrupting) And then, how come when I became a whiny hippy, you walked out on me? How come when I finally became what you wanted me ta be an’ YOU didn’t like it, ya ran away?

 **Shirley:** (Indignantly) Like, why’d ya think I gave myself this stupid makeover, or some junk? I tapped into yer dreams. I saw how you wanted me ta be: some swoonin’ floozy who fed ya grapes an’ told ya how awesome you were.

 **Plucky:** (Tetchily) You don’t exactly trust me, do ya? Instead ‘o’ talkin’ ta me like the responsible adult ya claim ta be, ya just eavesdropped on my private thoughts.

**Cypress** _makes a move to diffuse the argument, but_ **Barry** _stops her._

**Shirley:** (Angrily) Like, yer one ta talk about bein’ mondo disrespectful! You snooped around my personal memorabilia! You even admitted it!

 **Plucky:** (Furiously) YEAH, I DID!! AN’ I’M SORRY FOR WHAT I DID!

 **Shirley:** (Enraged) LIKE, OH YEAH? WELL, I’M SORRIER THAN YOU’LL EVER BE! Y’KNOW WHY?

 **Plucky:** (Bellows) WHY?!

 **Shirley:** (Angrily) Because after all this time, I actually quite LIKED yer holier-than-thou attitude! I dunno why, but I did! But it didn’t feel right ta love such a selfish, greedy second fiddle like you! So, I wanted ta help ya see how wrong yer behaviour was! I wanted ya ta lose yer ‘it’s all about me’ aura! It was for your own good! But it only made things worse. I lost my closest friends over my obsession ta overhaul yer characteristics ta suit me. An’ now it’s too late, isn’t it?! I’ve totally lost you ta some older, cuter, more sensible duck an’ you’ll never come back ta some selfish squab like me!

 **Plucky:** (Heatedly) Well, it’s a small world, after all! I actually loved yer constant meditatin’ an’ consultin’ crystal balls an’ tarot reading! But it didn’t feel cool ta love a girl like that, especially when Buster had a cute, funny an’ hyperactive gal like Babs an’ Hamton had a loving, carin’, cuter girlfriend like Fifi. I didn’t even know Hamton was datin’ Fifi up to now! My point is, Buster an’ Hamton had better lives than me because Babs an’ Fifi were better than you! At least, ta me. I wanted ta save you from bein’ some weird dork by makin’ you like yer other girlfriends. Someone cute, funny an’ who didn’t zap me every time I messed up!

 **Shirley:** (Angrily) Like, how mondo selfish of you! I’m totally sorry for what I did!

 **Plucky:** (Furiously) It was totally selfish of me, wasn’t it?! But I’m even more sorry about what I did than you’ll ever be!

 **Shirley:** (Scathingly) Like, prove it!

**Plucky** _abruptly gets to his feet. As he does so, he knocks the chair he’s sitting on to the floor with a CRASH!_ **Cypress** _prepares to step in to stop her friends from fighting, but to her shock and surprise,_ **Plucky** _seizes_ **Shirley** _by the shoulders and gives her a lip-locking kiss!_

**Shirley’s** _eyes widen, but she shows no resistance! Instead, her eyes close and she wraps her arms around the duck’s back. The camera cuts to_ **Barry** _. With a grin, he releases_ **Shirley’s Aura** _from the Dustbuster._

_Upon seeing her host make amends with her boyfriend, the_ **Aura** _explodes like a firework, sending colourful sparkles flying through the air. It lights up the dance floor!_

**Cypress:** (Beat, to **Barry** ) When will they stop kissing?

**Act Eight**

_The mobile home zooms out of control through the streets of_ **San Francisco** _._ **Ralph** _is sprinting after it. Well, he tries to for a few seconds before he runs out of breath._

**Ralph:** (Panting) Duuuh, I’ll… never catch… dem now! (Tearfully) What am I gonna tell Mr. Plotz??

_He stops crying upon hearing a bell tingling offscreen. The camera cuts to an old-fashioned cable car trundling along the track._ **Ralph** _grins deviously before rushing up to it. We cut to_ **Cecil Turtle** _driving it._

**Ralph:** (To **Cecil** ) In da name o’ Mr. Plotz, I’m commanduh… commanduhhhh… I’m drivin’ now!

_He grabs_ **Cecil** _by the throat and tosses him offscreen before taking charge of the cable car._

**Ralph:** (To the camera) Duuuh, what a time ta remember I dunno how ta drive dese t’ings!

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen) Arrêtez, s’il vous plait! We ‘ave to catch ze mobile ‘ome!

_The camera pans over to_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _sprinting frantically towards the streetcar. Despite their waving,_ **Ralph** _kicks the tram into gear._

**Hamton:** (Despairing) He’s not stopping! We’ll never catch up ta Uncle Stinky!

 **Fifi:** (Determined) Not on ma clock!

 **Hamton:** (Correcting) That’s watch!

_They catch up to the streetcar. As they run,_ **Hamton** _gives_ **Fifi** _a leg-up onto the back of the trolley. In return, she takes his hand and pulls him up._ **Ralph** _turns around and does a double-take._

**Ralph:** (Outraged, to **F &H**) Hey! Yous aren’t allowed on dis choo-choo wannabe!

 **Fifi:** (Breathlessly) Je suis désolé, monsieur, mais we need to catch up to zat mobile ‘ome! Our oncle eez on eet!

 **Ralph:** (Grimly) So, dose Warners kidnapped ‘um! Mr. Plotz will have some woids ta say!

 **Hamton:** (Desperately) No, he wasn’t kid… (Realisation dawning) Wait… how do you know about the Warners?

 **Ralph:** (Cheerfully) I accidentally let ‘em out. It’s my job ta guard ‘em!

 **Fifi:** (Surprised) Let zem out? A-Are zey criminals?

 **Ralph:** Naw. Dey’re criminally annoyin’! Once I catch ‘em, dey’re goin’ back into solitary confinement…solitary confinement for t’ree toons!

_Upon hearing this,_ **Fifi** _abruptly flies into a rage._

**Fifi:** (Screams) NON!!

_She suddenly leaps onto_ **Ralph’s** _back, hitting him several times on the head._

**Fifi:** (Angrily) AH ‘AVE FINALLY FOUNDS ZE STARS POUR MA SPINOFF!! AH ‘AVE COME TOO FAR POUR VOUS TO TAKE ZEM AWAY!

 **Ralph:** (Shocked) HEY! GET OFFA ME!!

_He staggers into a lever. The cable car begins to move faster and faster._

**Hamton:** (Horrified) Oh no… RUNAWAY STREETCAR!!

_The camera cuts to_ **Barry’s** _disco._ **Cypress** _walks out, carrying_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _. The teenage waterfowl are still lip-wrestling._

**Cypress:** (Gratefully) Thanks, Barry. Is there a love crisis you’ve NEVER fixed?

 **Barry:** (Happily, to **Cypress** ) Well, now, I’m just happy I could help. There’s nothin’ a lil’ psychology an’ shock therapy can’t fix. I reckon your little friends’ll stop kissin’ in about an hour. They want each other just the way they are, now! Until the next time!

_He closes the door._

**Cypress:** (To **P &S**) Now that you guys have mended fences, we can go meet up with Fifi and Hamton!

_As she says this, the mobile home roars past. A few seconds later, the cable car careens after it._

**Cypress:** (Surprised) What was that?

_We cut to the mobile home’s interior._ **Uncle Stinky** _is somehow still asleep. He sways from side to side as_ **Yakko** _wrenches the steering wheel from side to side._

**Yakko:** (To **Dot** ) Have we shook Ralph off yet?!

**Dot** _looks out of the back window to see the streetcar gaining on them._ **Ralph** _is trying to pull_ **Fifi** _off his head whilst_ **Hamton** _frantically rings the bell._

**Dot:** (Desperately) He’s got a mode of transportation!

 **Wakko:** (Absentmindedly singing) Clang, clang, clang went the trolley. Ding, ding, ding went the bell…

 **Yakko:** (Excitedly) We’re comin’ to a hill! (To the camera) Put your hands in the air, folks!

_The_ **Warners** _all throw their hands in the air as if it’s a rollercoaster. The mobile home descends the hill, gathering speed._

**Warners:** (Joyfully) WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

 **Yakko:** (Happily) Hold onto yer hats, folks, here we go again!

_The streetcar follows them, its velocity increasing._ **Hamton** _rings the bell, causing the lights in the buildings either side of the tramway to turn on._

**Hamton:** (Screaming) LOOK OUT!! EVACUATE THE CITY!! WE CAN’T STOP!!

 **Fifi:** (Flustered) Hammy, aidez-moi!

**Ralph** _grabs her by the tail and throws her into one of the seats._

**Hamton:** (Shocked) Fifi!

_He rushes to her side, pausing only to kick_ **Ralph** _in the shin. The security guard hops around on one foot for a few minutes before realising how fast they’re going._

**Ralph:** (Shocked) Duuuh, hey! How’d ya stop dis t’ing?! (To the camera) On da one hand, I’ll catch dose Warners. On da odder hand, I’ll crash.

 **Fifi:** (To Hamton) We must stop zis tram, mon cher! Zat man must not take our stars away from us!

 **Hamton:** (Shocked) But what about Uncle Stinky?!

 **Fifi:** (Countering) Vat about our spinoff?!

 **Hamton:** (Sternly) Listen to me, Fifi. There’s no way the Warners can be our stars! Look at what they’ve done ever since we took ‘em under our wing! Look at what they’re doin’ now! Uncle Stinky could get hurt because ‘o’ them!

**Fifi** _is taken aback by her pig’s sudden change in mood. All of a sudden, we hear the grating squealing sound of the brakes being put on and the streetcar comes to an abrupt stop._

**Ralph:** (Mopping his brow) Phew! I stopped it just in time!

_The camera zooms out to reveal that the streetcar has shot off the edge of_ **Pier 39** _._

**FH &R: **(Screaming) AAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!

_The tram drops like a rock into the sea._

**Act Nine**

_The sun rises over the city as we see the streetcar being hoisted out of the water by a floating crane._ **Yakko** _,_ **Wakko** _and_ **Dot** _dance in a circle outside the mobile home whilst_ **Uncle Stinky** _rubs his head._

**Warners:** (Joyfully) We gave Ralph the sli-ip! We gave Ralph the sli-ip!

 **Wakko:** (Happily) An’ it were one of mine!

 **Yakko:** (To the camera) G’night, everybody! MWAH!

 **H &F:** (Offscreen) AHEM!

_The trio turns to face_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _, who are both soaking wet and very annoyed._

**Yakko:** (Smugly) Well, if it isn’t our talent scouts! How’d ya like our dashin’ escape? Did it give ya some ideas for an episode?

_The pig and skunkette say nothing. Their bodies turn red with anger._

**Dot:** (Nervous) They’re mad… Wakko, do somethin’ cute!

**Wakko** _takes out a fiddle and begins to play a tune._

**Wakko:** (Singing) Baton Rouge, Louisiana, Indianapolis, Indiana, and Columbus is the capital of Ohio…

**Fifi** _snatches the fiddle from him and breaks it in two as if it’s a toothpick._

**Yakko:** (Indignantly) Hey! One of you’s gonna pay for that! An’ for that matter, where’s my harem?!

 **Wakko:** (Crossly) Yeah, an’ Don Knotts!

 **Uncle Stinky:** (To **H &F**) (You left the duvet cover at the laundrette during the events of the previous evening. Here it is.)

_He hands them the cover. It’s now the size of a napkin._ **Hamton** _takes it from his uncle, his eyes fixed on the_ **Warners** _._

**Yakko:** (Flippantly) Uhhhh… Turns out we didn’t need it anyway. We slept pretty well just the same!

 **Fifi:** (Abruptly, to **Dot** ) Eez zat ma… makeup?

**Dot** _had been putting lipstick on her mouth. She had taken it out of a purple purse._

**Dot:** (Bluntly) My cuteness was runnin’ dry, so sue me!

_We abruptly cut to_ **Ralph** _wringing his cap dry._ **Hamton** _walks up to him, carrying a trashcan which has been locked shut. He is humming_ **“You Rascal, You”** _as he does so._

**Yakko:** (Muffled) Hey, let us outta here!

 **Wakko:** (Moans) Me tummy ‘urts…

 **Y &D: **(Screaming) NOOOOOOOO!!

 **Hamton:** (To **Ralph** ) Here ya go!

_He drops the trashcan at the security guard’s feet and walks offscreen._ **Fifi** _walks up as well, dropping the_ **“** **HOW TO GET PRIMA DONNAS TO COOPERATE”** _book beside the can._

_The pig and skunkette climb aboard the mobile home and it drives away._

**Fifi:** (Offscreen, sadly) Well, zere goes our spinoff…

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen, cheerfully) Not so fast. We still have Plucky an’ Shirley!

 **Fifi:** (Sighs) Oui, ah suppose we do. (Cheering up) Let us go et find zem et carry on!

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**CREDITS**

 

Written by: **Redtop95**

Creative Consultant: **Pepe-K**

 **Cypress Duck** is owned by: **Smallj85**


	15. Duck, Pig and Skunk Tales

_The camera roves through a dark cave. We can hear the sounds of water dripping in the distance. Suddenly, there is a scuffling sound and a shadowy horned figure zips past. The camera moves faster and faster as if we’re chasing the mysterious creature. Everything gets darker and darker until we suddenly see a small ball of light which grows larger and larger. Upon further inspection, it looks like it’s the opening to something._

_Finally, the light briefly dominates the camera for a brief moment before we suddenly discover an underground city. There are buildings as far as the eye can see, and overlooking the whole metropolis is a huge dam._

_We can see that this city is occupied by_ **Gremlins** _. Some are pushing wheelbarrows packed to the brim with golden nuggets and jewels, whilst some are hammering blockbuster bombs._

**Gremlins:** (Singing) La, la, la, la, la, la, sing a happy song! La, la, la, la, la, la… uh… STUFF the whole day long!

_The camera focuses on a_ **Blue and Green Gremlin** _hammering the bombs. He stops what he’s doing._

**B &G Gremlin: **(To the camera) These blockbuster bombs don’t go off, unless you hit them juuuuuust right.

_All of a sudden, they all halt upon hearing an ominous rumbling noise._

**B &G Gremlin: **(Puzzled) What was that?

_They all shrug their shoulders and get back to work. Stones fall from the ceiling as they do so._

 

**THE PLUCKY DUCK SHOW**

 

**Episode 15**

**Duck, Pig and Skunk Tales**

 

**Act One**

**Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Cypress** _watch the two amorous waterfowl lip-wrestle each other with interest._

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) Y’know, we could always record these two and sell the footage to some sleazy network.

 **Fifi:** (Scoffs) Eet would not do very well, mon cher. Zey are inexperienced. Eef we did eet, though, zat would be different.

 **Cypress** **:** (To **H &F**) You’re both too young anyway.

 **Hamton:** (Chuckles nervously, to **Cypress** ) Tell that to the police…

 **Fifi:** (Curiously) ‘Ow long ‘ave zey been kissing?

 **Cypress** **:** (Happily) Since we left the Relationship Counsellor. (Looking around) Where’re those three brats, uh, puppy-dog children, by the way?

 **Fifi:** (Shrugs) Hammy et moi ‘ad to, how-you-say, let zem stay.

 **Hamton:** (Correcting) Go.

 **Fifi:** (Sighs) Which means zat we are back at ze beginning. Le sigh. Et zey ‘ad so much potential too…

 **Hamton:** (Patting her shoulder) Well, that’s not COMPLETELY true, is it? We’ve got Plucky.

 **Fifi:** (Despondent) We are doomed.

_The mobile home suddenly comes to a stop. After a beat, the door opens and_ **Uncle Stinky** _enters._

**Uncle Stinky:** (I bring great news, children. Even greater than the departure of those Warners! We have arrived at Prank Caverns, a fictional subterranean labyrinth in the United States. We have nearly arrived at the land of cheese!)

_The two waterfowl suddenly cease their smooching._

**Plucky:** (Puzzled) The land of cheese? When did we arrive in Hollywood?

 **Uncle Stinky:** (The land of cheese is the nickname for the state located in the North-Central United States. For those who are dense: Wisconsin.)

 **Plucky:** (Ecstatic) Wisconsin?! Oh, boy! We’re nearly at my aunt’s house!

 **Shirley:** (Joyously) Like, how very! We’ll be able ta announce our engagement!

 **HF &C: **(Dumbfounded) Engagement?!

 **Plucky:** (Dreamily) Yes! Our engagement!

 **Shirley:** (Sweetly) Like, Plucky-poo an’ I are like John Lennon an’ Yoko Ono!

 **Cypress** **:** (Muttering) Not the best comparison…

 **Plucky:** (Serenely) That's right. Shirley an’ I are lovebirds now and forever, all thanks to the Walrus of Love!

 **Hamton:** (Beat, clears his throat) Well… I dunno what to say except… Congratulations?

 **Fifi:** (Demanding, to **P &S**) When did vous, how-you-say, soda…

 **Hamton:** (Correcting) Pop.

 **Fifi:** (Demanding) Pop ze question? We ‘ave been avec vous ever since we left San Francisco!

 **Shirley:** (Enchantingly) Like, it was mondo cosmic, Fifi. Just after leaving Barry’s counselling, we all went ta Weenie Burgers. That was when Plucky got down on one knee an’ said to me...

 **Plucky:** (Interrupting) Shirley McLoon. Yer the only bird I love more than myself. Will you be my second banana?

_They giggle, remembering._

**Shirley:** (Joyfully) An’ then he placed the last onion ring on my finger. An’ I’ve been wearing it ever since.

 _She shows them a stale, mouldy onion ring on her finger._ **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Cypress** _stare at it in disbelief._

 **Cypress** **:** (Sternly) Shirley, take that off and wash your hands.

 **Shirley:** (Shocked) Say what? An’ tarnish the happiest memory in my second life, or some junk?

 **Fifi:** (Giggles) Shirley. Zat eez not ‘ow vous propose to someone. Par example, vous ‘ave to propose avec un real ring.

 **Plucky:** (Indignantly, to **Fifi** ) Money’s tight, Madam Killjoy! (To **Hamton** ) Tell yer main squeeze ta mind her own business, Best Man!

 **Hamton:** (Uneasily, to **Plucky** ) Uhh… I'm afraid I agree with Fifi here. I-It’s great that you guys aren't at each other's throats anymore, but… (Considers his words) Aren't you bein’ kinda hasty? (Beat) Did you call me Best Man?

 **Cypress** **:** (Sternly, to **P &S**) You two haven't even finished school, yet! This isn't like playin’ house! Marriage is a commitment that…

 **Plucky:** (To **Cypress** ) Aww, stop ruinin’ my, I mean, our magical moment! You ain't my mom!

 **Shirley:** (Snarky) Like, you ain't married, either!

 **Cypress** _pauses. There is a tense silence before she speaks again._

 **Cypress:** (Takes a deep breath) Yes, I know I’m not married, but I know that there's more to a proposal than putting a greasy onion ring on your finger.

 **Fifi:** (Teasingly) Oui. Like ah said, vous ‘ave to propose avec un real ring avec un diamond dans eet.

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Perhaps the naive couple can find a genuine stone within Prank Caverns. There are guided tours through the cavity on a regular basis.)

 **Hamton:** (Annoyed) Uncle Stinky! We're supposed ta be discouragin’ them from doin’ this!

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Fear not, dearest nephew. According to the poorly written brochure I keep in the glove compartment, the tours don't go that far into the tunnels. Anyway, it is strictly forbidden to remove the many gems and stones within the subterranean passages. Lest you anger the Sl…)

 **Plucky:** (Interrupting) Great! So, all we hafta do is pluck a great big ruby outta there an’ we’ll be moseyin’ down the aisle in style.

_Taking_ **Shirley** _by the hand, they scamper out of the mobile home._

**Uncle Stinky:** (Did the ignoramus hear what I just informed him of?)

 **Fifi:** (Cynically) Little boys get trés stupide when zey are lovesick.

**Hamton** _clears his throat._ **Fifi** _blushes upon realising what she’s just said._

**Fifi:** (Awkwardly, to **Hamton** ) Mais, not all of zem. Besides, tu are un big boy. Our second anniversaire celebration eez proof of zat.

 **Hamton:** (Smugly) I try.

 

**Act Two**

_We cut to the outside of the mobile home. It's standing in a car park. Nearby is the yawning cave mouth with a ticket booth stood near it._

**Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _hurry towards it._

**Shirley:** (Amorously) Like, you’re so totally brave, Plucky. You're provin’ yer love ta me by goin’ into that dark scary cave ta get me a proper ring!

 **Plucky:** (Proudly) Yes. Yes, I am! But since I'm also a coward, I might run away as well!

 **Shirley:** (Simpers) An’ that's okey-dokey, since I’ll accept you for who you are, for sure!

_Three familiar looking ducklings with green feathers walk past the couple. Then, they stop in their tracks._

**Ducklings:** (Incredulously) Uncle Donald??

**Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _look down at them. The green mallard’s body drains with colour upon recognising them._

**Shirley:** (Baffled) Like, you talkin’ to us, or some junk?

 **Plucky:** (Murmurs) Oh, not you…

 **Ducklings:** (Happily) It is! It's Uncle Donald!

 **Shirley:** (Perplexed, to **Plucky** ) You’re an uncle?

 **Ducklings:** (In unison) He sure is! An’ we’re his nephews:

 **Yakky:** (Cheerily) Yakky…

 **Smakky:** (Merrily) Smakky…

 **Wakky:** (Gaily) And Wakky!

 **Ducklings:** (In unison, to **Shirley** ) It sure is great ta see you, Aunt Daisy!

 **Shirley:** (Surprised) Like, aunt? Plucky an’ I ain't married… Yet!

 **Plucky:** (Wryly, to the camera) If we keep this up, then Disney's gonna be suin’ us dry.

 **Yakky:** (Cheerily) We came ta Prank Caverns…

 **Smakky:** (Merrily) ...With our estranged Uncle Wackford…

 **Wakky:** (Gaily) ...Ta go treasure-hunting!

_Upon mentioning their uncle’s name,_ **Wackford** _suddenly bounces in on his cane._

**Wackford:** (Dementedly) Och, aye! (Sings) Charlie, he’s my darling, my darling, my darling! Charlie, he’s my darling, the young chevalier!

 **Shirley:** (With a raised eyebrow) Like, didja say treasure-huntin’?

 **Wackford:** (Dementedly) Och aye, the noo!

 **Shirley:** (Hopefully) So, like, you guys could totally help us?

 **Ducklings:** (Jovially) Sure we could! (Beat) With what?

 **Plucky:** (Angrily shaking his head) No. No way. (To **Shirley** ) We can find a proper gem ourselves!

**Uncle Stinky** _,_ **Cypress** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _walk up._

**Uncle Stinky:** (You cannot, foolhardy fowl. The law clearly dictates that visitors are strictly forbidden from extracting mineral crystals from the extended cavity lest they incur the wrath of the Sl…)

 **Plucky:** (Irritated, to **Uncle Stinky** ) Ya told us this before, ya broken record.

 **Uncle Stinky:** (And, evidently, you were not paying attention. The explanation for your poor grades, no doubt. The consequence for unlawfully removing the natural beauties is either a prison sentence or incurring the wrath of the Slurpasaur.)

 **Yakky:** (Aghast) The Slurp…

 **Smakky:** (Appalled) ...A…

 **Wakky:** (Thunderstruck) ...Saur?!

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Yes.)

_As if by magic, the sun vanishes and is replaced by the moon. A campfire appears out of nowhere and everybody sits around it to hear about the beast._

**Uncle Stinky:** (The Slurpasaur is a mythical dinosaurian monster who patrols the underground caverns protecting the countless hordes of treasure that can be found. That treasure has been left undisturbed for centuries and legend has it that if any explorer is stupid enough to violate it, then the Slurpasaur will come for them…)

_Everybody shudders at the thought._

**Plucky:** (Nervously) Excuse me, sir? Wh-What does it look like?

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Some say it looks like a chameleon. Others say it resembles an iguana. Nobody has any real knowledge of what it resembles because the only knowledge they have from it is from the brochure.)

_The campfire is put out and the sun returns._

**Uncle Stinky:** (So that is why it is quite frankly idiotic to steal from Prank Caverns!)

 **Fifi:** (Musing) Idiotic...mais interesting.

_She takes out her notepad._

**Uncle Stinky:** (So, what have we all learned from this cautionary tale?)

 **Plucky:** (Gravely) Well, I learned that… we should beware the Sloppo-whatever when we take the perfect engagement ring!

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Pardon?)

 **Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) Right, let's go, go, go!

**Gogo Dodo** _suddenly pops out of the ground._

**Gogo:** (To the camera) You called?

_The two waterfowl hurry towards the cave entrance, followed by_ **Wackford** _and the_ **Ducklings** _._ **Uncle Stinky** _stands there, his face in his palm._

**Uncle Stinky:** (To **F &H**) (I suppose the two of you had better go after them and make sure that neither of them violate the rules.)

 **Hamton:** (Surprised) But aren't you comin’ with us?

 **Uncle Stinky:** (I'm afraid not, dearest blood-relative. I harbour an irrational fear of confined spaces.)

 **Hamton:** (Taken aback) I-I didn't know you were claustrophobic!

 **Uncle Stinky:** (No, I just have an irrational fear of confined spaces.)

 **Fifi:** (Determined) Do not worry, Oncle Stinky. Zey will be fine. Et your information about la grotte eez quite useful pour moi.

 **Hamton:** (Happily) Oh! You have an idea for a show?

 **Fifi:** (Smirking) Zat ah do. Now, come!

_Grabbing him by the hand, she rushes after the others, her boyfriend’s feet barely touching the ground. The camera cuts to the cave entrance. The_ **Teacher** _, who resembles_ **Edna May Oliver** _, stands at a kiosk. She’s wearing a hard hat._

**Plucky:** (To the **Teacher** ) Hiya! We’d, uh, all like a tour of the caverns. (Realising) Hey! You’re the old bag who took us on that field trip!

 **Teacher:** (Sternly) Yes. I recognise you. You’re on detention.

**Plucky** _rubs the back of his head awkwardly and chuckles._

**Teacher:** (Sternly) Shouldn’t you be in school?

_The vomit-green duck swallows hard and is about to reply when_ **Cypress** _steps between him and_ **Shirley** _._

**Cypress:** (To the **Teacher** ) They’re with me, ma’am.

 **Teacher:** (With a raised eyebrow, to **Cypress** ) Are they your children, young lady?

 **Cypress:** (Blushing) No, they’re with me.

 **Teacher:** (Sternly) I assume you’re married.

 **Cypress:** (Awkwardly) No…

 **Teacher:** (Muttering) What’s the world coming to…?

**Wackford** _tries to sneak past the kiosk. The_ **Teacher** _wallops him on the head with a cane without even looking._

**Teacher:** (Sternly, to **Wackford** ) Not so fast, Caledonian canard. You’ll have to book a tour before you can enter Prank Caverns.

 **Yakky:** (Cheerily) Then...

 **Smakky:** (Merrily) ...Can...

 **Wakky:** (Gaily) ...We?

_The_ **Teacher** _looks at her schedule. After a beat, she looks at the party of nine toons._

**Teacher:** (Clipped) Yes, I can.

 **Everybody:** (Ecstatic) YAY!!

 **Wackford:**  HAGGIS!

_The_ **Teacher** _moves out from behind the kiosk, a prospector’s knapsack straddled to her back._

**Teacher:** (Bluntly) The sooner I show you around, the sooner I can watch Half Shot at Sunrise. Come along, children!

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) What’s your idea, Feef?

 **Fifi:** Vat do tu think of un action-adventure spinoff?

 **Hamton:** (Happily) I think it’s a great idea! (Cautiously) So long as it’s safe.

 **Fifi:** (Giggles) Hamtone, eet won’t be as exciting without un petit danger.

 **Hamton:** (Nervously) Yeah, but… (Seriously) Do you have some essentials in case something happens?

 **Fifi:** (Complacently) Oui.

**Hamton** _takes a walkie-talkie out of his pocket._

**Hamton:** (Seriously) D’ya have the walkie-talkie?

**Fifi** _shows him a similar walkie-talkie._

**Fifi:** (Complacently) Oui.

 **Hamton:** (Seriously) An emergency supply of food?

 **Fifi:** (Complacently) Oui.

 **Hamton:** (Seriously) An Acme Self-Inflating Life Raft?

**Fifi** _shows him a small rubber cube with a cord attached to it._

**Fifi:** (Complacently) Oui.

 **Hamton:** (Seriously) Any other precautionary measures?

 **Fifi** _shows him a box of_ **"Acme Preg-Not"** _condoms._

 **Hamton:** (Relieved) You’re as ready as I am.

 **Fifi:** (Happily) When vous date un Pig Scout, vous learn un thing or deux. Now, let us go. We ‘ave research to do.

 

**Act Three**

_We cut to a view of the entrance of the cave from within it. Torchlight shines on the camera, the light briefly overwhelming it. Then, we can hear the footsteps of the party echoing around the cylindrical passageway._

**Teacher:** (Droning) Prank Caverns was the result of several natural aspects. A very, very, VERY long time ago, it became home to a race of mythical creatures known as the Gremlins.

 **Fifi:** (Interested) Gremlins?

 **Hamton:** (Nervous) Gremlins?

 **Teacher:** (Droning) Despite existing for several centuries, the Gremlins made their first foray into the public eye during the Second World War due to their habit of wrecking machinery. They were infamous for deliberately damaging fighter planes, tanks and jeeps.

 **Plucky:** (Thinking) I hope the treasure is worth the history lesson…

 **Teacher:** (Droning) The Gremlins were also made legendary for carving the many gems and jewels that can be located within the caverns.

 **Yakky:** (Cheerily) Did you...

 **Smakky:** (Merrily) ...Say...

 **Wakky:** (Gaily) ...Treasure?

 **P &S: **(Excitedly) Treasure?

 **Wackford:** BUTTERSCOTCH!

 **Teacher:** (Sternly) I actually said “gems and jewels”. And we will NOT be seeing any on this tour. They're further down the cave. And the cave leads underground to the centre of the earth!

_She comes to a halt, and everyone bumps into her and falls down. The camera zooms out to reveal that they’re only a few yards away from the entrance._

**Teacher:** (Rallying) Come along, children! Off to the gift shop we go!

_She turns and walks back to the entrance. As she does so, we hear the sounds of footsteps dying away. Without looking back, the_ **Teacher** _rolls her eyes._

**Teacher:** (To the camera) It’s a good job we don’t show our customers the terms and conditions.

_She continues to walk out of the cave._

 

**Act Four**

**Wackford** _bounces ahead of the group on his cane. He bangs his head on the ceiling with each spring._

**Wackford:** (Sings) The Campbells are comin’, oho, oho! The Campbells are comin’, oho, oho! The Campbells are comin’ to bonnie Lochleven! The Campbells are comin’ oho, oho!

 **Yakky:** (Aghast) Uncle Wackford...

 **Smakky:** (Appalled) ...Wait…

 **Wakky:** (Thunderstruck) ...Up!

_They scamper off into the darkness after their uncle._

**Plucky:** (Happily) Thank Schlesinger, they’re gone!

 **Shirley:** (Surprised) Like, Plucky! We need ‘em ta find a jewel for my engagement ring!

 **Plucky:** (Bluntly) No, we don’t. Let ‘em wander off an’ get lost down here, we can get one ourselves.

_He suddenly grabs_ **Hamton** _by the hand and begins to lead him ahead of the girls._

**Plucky:** (To the girls) Okay, it’s time for man talk, so… (To **Shirley** ) NO mindreading!

**Fifi** _scratches her head, before shrugging and getting back to writing her notes._ **Shirley** _sulks whilst_ **Cypress** _looks concerned._

**Cypress:** (Nervously) We should try an’ keep up with those two. It’s probably really easy ta get lose your way in these caves.

 **Fifi:** (Confidently, as she studies) Do not worry. Ah shall be able to, how you say, keep in torch.

_We cut to_ **Plucky** _and_ **Hamton** _hurrying through the cavern. Once the green duck is sure that they're out of earshot, he begins to talk._

**Plucky:** (Business-like) Okay, you know the drill. Shirley an’ I are getting hitched an’ according to yer girlfriend, we can't without a proper ring.

 **Hamton:** (Uncertain) Uh, yeah… But, you see. We all think it's wonderful that you an’ Shirley are friends again, but marriage is a pretty hasty decision to make...

 **Plucky:** (Interrupting) So when are you an’ Feef gonna tie the knot? Y’know, since it's painfully obvious you’re gonna do that.

**Hamton** _blushes._

**Hamton:** (Awkwardly) Well… we never really talked about that… (Clears throat) But if we did get married, we’d wait until we had completed our education, had well-paid jobs and found a place to co-habit.

 **Plucky:** (Snorts) Waiting. Ha! Unlike you stick-in-the-muds, Shirley an’ I are gonna become husband and wife way before you! (Smugly) An’ our wedding’s gonna be better than yours!

_He takes out a pickaxe and tries to chip away at the walls._

**Hamton:** (Puzzled) So, did ya wanna talk ta me just so you could gloat about your wedding?

 **Plucky:** (While he works) No. I need yer help finding a diamond! Now, stop talkin’ an’ start workin’!

 **Hamton:** (Confused) Shouldn't your “fiancée” be helpin' you with that?

 **Plucky:** (Grumbling) Yeah… but with her, we’ll be at it for days! If girls are bad when it comes ta shoppin’, I ain’t takin’ any chances with jewellery!

_He picks at the cave wall, dislodging a large stone that falls on his webbed foot._

**Plucky:** (In pain) YEEEEEEEEOOOOW!!

**Hamton** _smirks as he watches the green duck hop around on one foot._

**Plucky:** (With each hop) Where’s...the...goshdarn...treasure?!

 **Hamton:** Well, according to the tour guide, we’re still pretty close ta the surface. The many gems an’ stones are located deeper underground.

**Plucky** _seizes him by the straps of his overalls and leads him forcibly along._

**Plucky:** (Moodily) Well, that’s exactly where we’re goin’!

 **Hamton:** (Shocked) Plucky, we can’t! What about Fifi, Shirley an’ Cypress? Won’t they worry about us?

 **Plucky:** (Flustered) If it’ll make ya feel better, then think of it as a surprise for her that we hafta keep a secret.

 **Hamton:** (Worried) Listen, I admire yer newfound devotion ta Shirley, but this is way too dangerous. We dunno what’s in these caves, we dunno if there are any traps. We don’t even know where we’re (Screams) gOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIINNNG!!

_The camera pans out to reveal that the duo have unknowingly rushed off the edge of a precipice._

_We cut to the girls. All of a sudden,_ **Fifi’s** _walkie-talkie makes static sounds as if someone’s attempting to get to her. The skunkette jumps before pressing the button on it and putting it to her ear._

**Fifi:** (Cheerfully) Bonjour, Hammy!

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen, nervously) Uh… Hiya, Feef. Look, w-we don’t have much time, so I’m gonna hafta be quick.

 **Fifi:** (Concerned) Hammy, vat eez eet? ‘As Plucky messed up?

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen, nervously) Yeah.

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen, indignant) Hey!

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen, nervously, to **Fifi** ) Just follow the passage an’ you’ll find us. Please hurry, though....

_We abruptly cut to_ **Hamton** _, who is holding his walkie-talkie up to his ear with one hand and grasping onto a branch with the other._ **Plucky** _dangles below him, holding his trotters in a vise-like grip._

**Hamton:** (Nervously, into the walkie-talkie) I dunno how long I can hold on…

_We cut back to the girls._ **Fifi** _grimly puts her walkie-talkie away._

**Fifi:** (Seriously, to **S &C**) Ze boys are in trouble. Zey need our ‘elp.

 **Shirley:** (Horrified) Like, my fiancée’s in a jam?! That's mondo bad!

 **Cypress:** (Aghast) Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no…

 **Fifi:** (Interrupting) Stop panicking! We ‘ave to save zem! Now, come on!

_Lead by_ **Fifi** _, the trio sprints deeper into the cave._

**Shirley:** (Dramatically) Like, I’m comin’, Plucky-poo!

 **Fifi:** (Thinking) Although eet eez imperative zat ah rescue Hamtone, zis eez a good idea pour un story.

_They round a bend...and have to abruptly halt before they run off the precipice as well._

**Fifi:** (Calling out) Hammy? Where are tu?

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen) D-Down here!

_The girls look down, and the camera pans down to reveal_ **Hamton** _and_ **Plucky** _dangling from the branch in the cliff edge._

**Fifi:** (Shocked) Sacré bleu! Do not worry, mon cher! We will save tu!

 **Hamton:** (Relieved) Oh, Feef! Am I glad ta see you! Whatever yer rescue plan is, please do it fast! This branch can’t support our weight for much longer!

 **Cypress:** (Flustered) I told you! I told all of you! We shouldn't split up or else something like this will happen. And it has, so…

 **Fifi:** (Interrupting, to **Cypress** ) Shut up et help moi!

 **Cypress:** (Angrily) Don't talk to me like that, young lady! In case you haven't noticed, Plucky and Hamton are too far down the edge for you to reach them!

 **Fifi:** (Rolling her eyes) Zat eez why ah need vous to ‘elp!

_She suddenly gets down on all fours and begins to ease herself off the edge._

**Fifi:** (To **Cypress** ) Take ma ‘ands, et lower moi down to Hammy.

 **Cypress:** (Dumbfounded) So, you’re gonna put yourself in danger, too? What if I lose my grip, or…

 **Fifi:** (Shouts) DO EET!

_The older female duck quickly gets to her knees. She takes the purple skunkette by the arms and does as she’s told. As_ **Fifi** _feels herself get lowered off the edge, she looks down at her pig._

**Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Okay, mon cher. Ah want tu to grab hold of ma tail. Zen Cypress will lift us up onto ze edge!

 **Cypress:** (Flabbergasted) WHAT?! I can’t lift the three of you!

 **Plucky:** (Snarky) Yeah! Hey, Hamton! Let’s swap places an’ you let go! We’ll be fifty times lighter!

**Hamton** _makes a kicking motion with his legs._ **Plucky** _is slammed into the cliff wall._ **Shirley** _hurries up to the edge._

**Shirley:** (Worried) Like, Cypress is right! There’s no way this plan is gonna work, or some junk!

 **Fifi:** (Annoyed, to **Shirley** ) Do vous ‘ave un better idea, zen?

 **Shirley:** (Confidently) For sure! Ever since I made up with Pl-ucky, I found out that I can do my psychic thing again! (Sweetly) Like, thanks a million, Plucky-poo.

 **Plucky:** (Happily) Don’t mention it, Shirley-shoo!

 **Shirley:** (Happily) So, like, I’ll just levitate you guys outta there! Hang on!

_She closes her eyes in deep concentration. After a beat, she snaps her fingers. We cut to the branch. It breaks._ **Fifi** _tries to stretch out her tail to catch her boyfriend, but it’s too late._

**Hamton:** (Screams) Fiiiiiiifiiiiiiii…!!

 **Fifi:** (Screams) Hamton!

 **Cypress:** (Horrified) Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh…

_As she panics,_ **Cypress** _leans further and further over the edge. Then, she loses her balance and she and_ **Fifi** _plummet after the boys._

**Cypress:** (Screams) NOOOOOOOO!!

**Shirley** _opens her eyes. She does a double take upon seeing that she’s now alone._

**Shirley:** (Annoyed, to the camera) Darn it! (Heroically) Like, I’ll totally save you guys or some junk!

_She leaps off the edge and is quickly swallowed by the darkness._

 

**Act Five**

_We cut to the gang falling down the hole in the cave before they all land on a steep incline and begin to slide down it._

**PSHF &C: **(Screaming) WHOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAA!!

_For a short while, they all go down in single file, but a few seconds later, the slide branches out into five different parts._ **Plucky** _,_ **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _,_ **Cypress** _and_ **Shirley** _are separated as they each go down a different path._

_We cut to_ **Plucky** _sliding on his head, then to_ **Hamton** _slipping on his belly, then to_ **Fifi** _trying to dig her claws into the stone to stop her descent. Finally, we cut to_ **Cypress** _trying to fan out her shorts, that have caught fire due to the friction and then to_ **Shirley** _‘surfing’ until she hits her head on the ceiling as she goes through a tunnel._

_We abruptly cut to what appears to be a map of the caves that the group are sliding through. The different paths twist and turn like spaghetti and we can see five different coloured dots (resembling the five members respectively) zipping and zooming around it._

_Then, we cut to a junction, where the five slide tunnels meet up from different areas. We get a classic ‘Doors gag’ as the five toons swap tunnels in random patterns._ **Plucky** _and_ **Cypress** _swap tunnels, then_ **Shirley** _and_ **Fifi** _, then_ **Hamton** _emerges from a tunnel following_ **Shirley** _, and then_ **Fifi** _emerges from another tunnel following_ **Plucky** _._ **Wackford** _,_ **Yakky** _,_ **Smakky** _and_ **Wakky** _randomly appear from the tunnel that the loon and pig have slid out from and disappear into the entrance that the skunkette and duck emerged from._

_The pattern continues until a cow suddenly appears, holding a sign reading:_ **“Silly, isn’t it?”**

_After that, the five Toons all re-join and slide down the same tunnel in single file once more. They go through a loop-de-loop, then through a corkscrew._

**Cypress:** (Terrified) Y’know, if we knew where this slide led to, this would be kinda fun!

_Finally, the wild ride comes to an end, and the gang flies off the terminal point and land in a pit. After a beat,_ **Hamton** _gets to his feet._

**Hamton:** (Urgently) Okay, is everyone alright?!

 **Shirley:** (Happily) Like, I’m fine. Plucky broke my fall!

 **Plucky:** (Groans) I think I broke my back…

**Hamton** _looks around._

**Hamton:** (Panicking) Fifi?! Where’s Fifi?! Fifi?!

 **Fifi:** (Groans) Zere eez no need to shout, mon cher.

_The camera cuts to the purple skunkette rubbing her head. She looks relieved to see her notepad is still intact._ **Hamton** _scampers up to her._

**Hamton:** (Relieved) Oh, thank goodness…

 **Fifi:** (Happily) Zat was trés scary. Mais eet gave moi some ideas.

 **Cypress:** (Angrily) Plucky, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but this is all your fault!

 **Plucky:** (Outraged, to **Cypress** ) What?! How’s it my fault?!

 **Fifi:** (Snarky) A lot of things are your fault, Plucky. Vous being responsible pour zis situation eez not surprising.

 **Cypress:** (Angrily, to **Plucky** ) If you hadn’t wandered off by yourself, you wouldn’t have fallen down that precipice. Then, WE wouldn’t have fallen down tryin’ ta save ya. Now, we’re stuck down here forever!!

 **Plucky:** (Defensively, to **Cypress** ) I was tryin’ ta find a proper gem for Shirley!

 **Cypress:** (Groans) I should’ve known this silly engagement had somethin’ ta do with this!

 **Shirley:** (Affronted) Like, our engagement ain’t silly! Besides, you TOTALLY said that we’d get married someday!

 **Cypress:** (Backpedalling) I meant when you were older an’ when you understood the outside world! You’re both…

 **Hamton:** (Calmly interrupting) Listen. We can argue over whose fault it is once we get outta here. (Deadpan) It’s yours, Plucky.

 **Fifi:** (Pondering) Zis place eez an entire system of caves. One of zem must be a way out. All we ‘ave to do eez find zat particular passage.

_The camera pans over to an opening in the pit wall._

**Hamton:** (Cheerfully) That looks like a good place ta start.

 **Plucky:** (Shrugs) Fine with me. At least it can’t get any worse.

_The camera cuts to the hole they fell through._ **Wackford** _,_ **Yakky** _,_ **Smakky** _and_ **Wakky** _suddenly plummet through it and land on them._

**Ducklings:** (Happily) Hi, Uncle Donald!

 

**Act Six**

_We cut to a view of the caves. After a beat, we hear an ominous growling and a large orange tail vanishes from view. Then, a_ **Gremlin** _comes into view and hammers a ruby deeper into the cave wall before scampering off in the opposite direction as the tail’s owner._

_Abruptly, there is a rumble and a roar in the distance, followed by a rhythmic clickety-clack sound which dies away as soon as it starts._

_The camera fades to_ **Wackford** _and the nephews with the group._

**Yakky:** (Cheerily) Wow…

 **Smakky:** (Merrily) ...Uncle...

 **Wakky:** (Gaily) ...Donald!

 **Ducklings:** (Happily) This is the first time you’ve come on an adventure with us!

 **Plucky:** (Testily) No, it isn’t! You brats just stay away from me!

 **Yakky:** (Cheerily) But we…

 **Smakky:** (Merrily) ...Can help...

 **Wakky:** (Gaily) ...You find a…

 **Ducklings:** (Happily) …Gem for Aunt Daisy!

 **Shirley:** (To **Plucky** ) Like, y’know, this is some mondo great practice for when we have our own kids.

 **Cypress:** (Dumbfounded) WHAT?!

 **Shirley:** (Ignoring her, to **Plucky** ) Lettin’ yer nephews help us find some treasure could be a good…family building activity!

 **Plucky:** (Musingly) Y’know, as obnoxious as they are, maybe you’ve got a point. While we’re down here, we can find a ruby or a sapphire or an amethyst for our wedding! Then I can say that my nephews helped me be the happiest duck underground!

 **Cypress:** (Dumbfounded) You two can’t just get married after a few days. This isn’t Disney!

 **Shirley:** (Crossly) Like, why are you actin’ like we only became a thing a day ago?

 **Cypress:** (Protesting) Because you did!

 **Shirley:** (Annoyed) We’ve been together for longer than that, or some junk! Feef an’ Hammy can vouch for us on that. (To **F &H**) Remember the prom?

 **Plucky:** (Reminiscing) I remember hangin’ out with her an’ Babs on the day. Babs was whinin’ about Buster ignorin’ her an’ I said to her: “Sometimes a guy gets real shy when he asks out a girl that he likes. (Gulps) Know what I mean, Shirley?”

 **Shirley:** (To **Fifi** ) Like, an’ I told him, “I think the whole idea of proms an’ dates is a lotta sexist, outdated hooey, or some junk!” An’ then he got all sad an’ walked away, sayin’…

 **Plucky:** (To **Hamton** ) “Gosh, that’s too bad, Shirley. I was kinda hopin’ you’d be my date. Oh, well…” Oh-ho-ho, when she heard me say that, she was attracted ta me like flies to mould. She said…

 **Shirley:** (To **Fifi** ) “Oh, like, bless you, my little Peking of duck. I totally thought no-one would ask me!” An’ I showered him with kisses!

_We cut to_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _looking amused but unimpressed._

**F &H: **(In unison) Déjà vu.

**Shirley** _takes out some knitting needles and several multicoloured balls of wool._

**Shirley:** (To **Plucky** , nonchalantly) Like, Plucky-poo, can ya try ta get one of yer nephews ta stand still for a few seconds? I need ta find out the size of their mondo cute little footsies so that I can get an accurate size for the booties?

 **HF &C: **(Shocked) Booties??

 **Shirley:** (Touchily) Like, yeah. Booties. I’m gonna knit some clothes for our kids.

 **Ducklings:** (Shocked) Kids?!

 **Cypress:** (Aghast) Kids?!

 **Yakky:** (Hurt) But…

 **Smakky:** (Upset) …We’re…

 **Wakky:** (Crushed) …Kids!

 **Plucky:** (Rolling his eyes, to **Ducklings** ) Our OWN kids! I’d die first before you joined my family.

 **Cypress:** (Shaking her head) No, no. I draw the line at that sorta thing! You’re not only too young ta get married, but… No way!

 **Shirley:** (Shrugs) So what? We’ll wait till we’re older.

 **Plucky:** (Mutters) Speak for yerself, I ain’t waitin’ that long…

 **Shirley:** (Happily) I’m only practisin’ my knittin’ anyway! We gotta get married first!

_She takes out a notepad._

**Shirley:** (Eagerly) Like, Plucky-poo an’ me totally got our wedding all planned.

 **Plucky:** (Smugly) I want nothin’ but the best for me…an’ Shirl.

 **Shirley:** (Reading from the notepad) Like, the ceremony’s gonna be held at the ashram of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi where the guru himself will totally deliver…

 **Plucky:** (Indifferently) …Or the next closest thing: Maharishi Mahesh Boo-Boo.

 **Shirley:** (Reading from the list) …Then, once we’ve delivered our vows, we’re gonna fly to the original site of the Woodstock Festival, where we’ll skydive into the reception, heralded by the song that we’ll have our first dance to.

 **Plucky:** (Indifferently) Performed on a big band… We can’t afford a band, so that’ll be left ta you guys…

_He turns to gesture to the pig and skunkette. Only they’re not there._

**Shirley:** (Shocked) Like, Feef? Hammy?

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen) We are over ‘ere!

 _The camera pans over to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _, who have continued walking through the tunnel._

 **Cypress:** (Indignantly, to **H &F**) What happened ta sticking together?

 **Hamton:** (Indifferently) Ta be honest, if you guys carry on arguing, we’ll go back on that rule.

 **Fifi:** (Nods) Now, come along everyone. We are not going to leave eef we just stand around et talk about marriage.

 **Yakky:** (Disgusted) We don’t wanna…

 **Smakky:** (Revolted) …Talk about…

 **Wakky:** (Sickened) …Marriage!

 **Ducklings:** We wanna find treasure! Don’t we, Uncle Wackford?

**Wackford** _isn’t there. Looking around, the group suddenly hears him singing in the distance._

**Wackford:** (Offscreen) Will ye no come back again? Will ye no come back again? Better lo’ed ye cannae be, will ye no come back again?

_Abruptly, the singing ceases as if_ **Wackford’s** _been cut off._

**Fifi:** (Confused) Quelle strange… vat could ‘ave happened to ‘im?

 **Plucky:** (Hopefully) Maybe he died?

 **S &C: **(Appalled) Plucky!

 **Shirley:** (Angrily, to **Plucky** ) Like, if Uncle What’s-his-name dies, that’s one less guest for our wedding!

 **Plucky:** (Indifferently) He wasn’t invited anyway. (To **Ducklings** ) Oh, an’ neither are you.

 **Hamton:** (Grimly) Well, whatever’s happened, we’d better go see if he’s okay. C’mon!

_They all hurry along,_ **Yakky** _,_ **Smakky** _and_ **Wakky** _scampering ahead of them all. It isn’t long before the quintet loses track of them as well._

**Plucky:** (While they run) Okay, so, Hamton’s the best man an’ Fifi’s the maid of honour… I suppose Babs can be a bridesmaid…

 **Shirley:** (While they run) Like, what about Mary?

 **Plucky:** (While they run) Who’s Mary? Anyway, Babs can be a bridesmaid but Buster ain’t comin’. Then, we have the honeymoon in my swamp.

 **Shirley:** Like, no way, Jose, we agreed that the honeymoon was gonna be at my…

_She abruptly falls down as they enter another shaft. This one is larger and travels in the opposite direction._

**Plucky:** (Aghast) Oh, no! Shirley, ya didn’t break anything, did ya?! I don’t want my wedding photos ta have you wearin’ a body cast! You don’t wanna ruin our honeymoon!

 **Shirley:** (Tearfully) Like, I bruised my knee, or some junk!

 **Plucky:** (Relieved) Aw, thank goodness! No-one’ll see it under the gown. (Puzzled) What did ya trip over, anyway?

_The camera zooms out to reveal a railway track stretching through the tunnel that they have just entered._

**Fifi:** (Surprised) Vat eez a choo-choo track doing so far underground? We are nowhere near un, how-you-say, sub-sandwich.

 **Hamton:** (Gently correcting) That’s subway…and now I’m hungry…

 **Cypress:** (Scratching her head) Which way did those ducks go?

 **Plucky:** (Shrugs) Who cares? (Flirting with **Shirley** ) We’re alone at last…

 **Fifi:** (Chuckles) Vous are far from zat, Plucky.

**Hamton** _gets down on all fours and begins to sniff the tracks._

**Plucky:** (Mockingly) Lookin’ for truffles, Ham-Brain?

 **Hamton:** (Sniffs) No… (Sniffs)

 **Plucky:** (Dismissively) Well, ya won’t find any down here anyway. (Disparaging) An’ why’re ya smelling stuff? The only thing that stinks down here is yer girlfriend!

_Without looking,_ **Fifi** _bashes the green duck with her tail, knocking him down. We cut to_ **Hamton** _, who has stopped sniffing the air._

**Hamton:** (Musing) This line was recently built. I can still smell the sweat of the workmen.

 **Shirley:** (Grossed out) Like, ew!

 **Fifi:** Do tu think zat ze Gremlins made eet? (To the camera) Zat’s un bon idea pour un story!

 **Hamton:** (Musing) No… accordin’ to the tour guide, the Gremlins have been down here for centuries.

 **Fifi:** (Puzzled) Mais ze tour guide also said zat ze Gremlins were famous pour sabotaging machines.

 **Hamton:** That’s the thing. The Gremlins probably couldn’t run a railway without destroyin’ the trains. (He sniffs again) Humans built it.

 **Fifi:** (Surprised) ‘Umans? (Beat, excited) Mais… mais eef ‘umans built zis railway, zere must be un way back to ze surface! (Happily) Eet could lead to ze surface!

 **Cypress:** (Nonplussed) Wow. I never thought that something man-made could save my life.

 **Plucky:** (Outraged) Hey, wait a minute, we can’t go back yet! Me an’ Shirl haven’t found an engagement ring!

 **Shirley:** An’ like, which way is the way out, or some junk?

 **Plucky:** (Nonchalantly) It’s that way.

 _They all look in the direction he’s pointing in and the camera pans over to the right side of the tunnel to reveal a sign saying_ **“WAY OUT”** _and a shining light which is gradually growing larger_. _We also hear the sounds of vibration in the rails getting louder._

 **Fifi:** (Shaking her head) Mais non, eet cannot be. We are still too deep underground!

_She gets down on her knees and presses an ear to the tracks, listening to the vibrations. A horrified look adorns her face._

**Fifi:** (Petrified) Sacré bleu…

 **Plucky:** (Scathingly, to **Fifi** ) Are you blind? That’s sunlight! So now that we know which way is out, let’s get back to the task at hand! Specifically…

 **Shirley:** (Whispers fearfully) Like, that ain’t sunlight…

_A deafening twin-barrel horn suddenly sounds out, echoing through the cylindrical passage. The eyes on the five Toons widen with horror._

**Cypress:** (Screams) RUN!!

**Hamton** _scoops up_ **Fifi** _and the group runs for their lives. The camera cuts to the source of the light: a large bullet train that almost takes up the entire space. Its horn sounds once again._

_We cut to the fleeing Toons, trying desperately not to trip over the sleepers. The deadly bullet train almost immediately starts to gain on them._

**Plucky:** (Sobbing) We’re gonna die! We’re gonna die before we get married!

 **Shirley:** (Weeping) Like, I totally don’t wanna be an unmarried widow! 

 **Cypress:** (Angrily) We’ll discuss this wedding if we ever make it outta this alive! 

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** , panting) Fifi… I… can’t… go on! We’re…gonna…get…squashed…an’…we…never found…a spinoff idea! 

 **Fifi** _desperately looks around. The camera shifts to her perspective and pans rapidly to different locations. All of a sudden, it zooms in on a sturdy looking root sprouting from the ceiling._  

 **Fifi:** (Determinedly) Not if ah ‘ave anything to do avec eet! (To **Hamton** ) Hold on, mon cher! 

_As they sprint nearer and nearer to the root, the purple skunkette whips out her large tail like a lasso and wraps it around the branch. To_ **Hamton’s** _surprise, he’s lifted off the ground by_ **Fifi’s** _tail as it tugs on the root. They swing through the air, the train thundering below them._

**Fifi** _abruptly lets go of the root and they fall onto the roof of the moving locomotive, rolling head-over-heels across it. Fortunately, they stop their tumbling just before they roll off the end._

**Hamton:** (Bewildered) Wow! Fifi, that was terrific!

 **Fifi:** (Flexing her tail) Ah try.

 **Hamton:** (Concerned) Oh, no! What about the others?

 _The camera pans down to_ **Shirley** _,_ **Plucky** _and_ **Cypress** _who are still sprinting from the train._

 **Shirley:** (With realisation) Like, hey!

 **Cypress:** (Terrified) Don’t talk while you’re running! You’ll waste energy! (Beat) Now, I’m getting’ tired!

 **Shirley:** (Hopeful) I just totally remembered! Thanks ta Plucky-poo, I can levitate us ta safety

 **Cypress:** (Terrified) The last time ya tried that, we ended up bein’ trapped down here!

 **Plucky:** Give my fiancée a chance, Cypress!

_Before_ **Cypress** _can say anything else,_ **Shirley** _closes her eyes and tries to concentrate as hard as she can whilst running. After a few seconds, the three waterfowl suddenly float into the air. From atop the train,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _watch as their friends float above them…before abruptly dropping down with a CLANK!_

**Shirley:** (Ecstatic) Like, I did it! I saved everyone!

**Plucky** _leaps to his feet._

**Plucky:** (Gloating) I don’t believe it! We outran a bullet train an’ now we’re gettin’ a ride outta here! WOOOOO-

_He smacks into a stalagmite hanging from the roof of the tunnel. It knocks him down and he nearly falls off the train._ **Cypress** _grabs him by his legs._

**Cypress:** (Sternly) Don’t stand up.

 

 

**Act Seven**

_We fade to the_ **Gremlin** _village. Unlike the first time it was seen, it looks gloomier than before. There are several mine carts filled to the brim with differently coloured gems that some unhappy_ **Gremlins** _are pushing._

_One_ **Orange and Yellow Gremlin** _reluctantly dons a porter’s uniform as he hurries to a platform that has been built next to the railway line which is emerging from a tunnel which has been bored into the cavern wall._

_The sound of vibrations in the rails echoes through the tunnel and with a hydraulic roar, the bullet train bursts out of the darkness and screeches to a halt at the platform, the entire locomotive briefly crumpling like an accordion in response to the sudden stop._

_On the roof, the five toons peek down at the platform. They see the doors open and the_ **Orange and Yellow Gremlin** _move up to greet whoever is on board._

**Fifi:** (Surprised, whispering) Ze Gremlins ‘ave their own choo-choo station? Zey are trés, how-you-say, regressive. Vat un trés bien example of world-building.

 **Hamton:** (Whispering) That’s progressive, Feef. An’ like I said before, they didn’t build this line, humans did!

 **Plucky:** (Whispering, snarky) Yeah, you can tell by smellin’ their sweat, Hog-Breath. (Indifferently) Whoever these builders are, at least they gave these horn-headed freaks a job.

_We cut down to the platform._

**O &Y Gremlin: **(Indifferently) Good afternoon, Montana Maximilian… although you can’t really tell what time of the day it is underground… How was your trip?

_The quintet does a double take as_ **Monty** _disembarks from the train, followed by_ **Grovely** _. The spoiled brat, instead of answering, simply barges past the_ **O &Y Gremlin** _._

**Monty:** (Moodily) Have you losers mined any more jewels for my collection?

 **O &Y Gremlin: **(Nervously) We managed to dig out a few, but if the Slurpasaur discovers that we’ve taken any more, it’ll be catastrophic for all of us!

 **Monty:** (Groans) What is it with you an’ these stupid myths? You dorks have been diggin’ for ages, an’ nothin’s happened yet!

 **O &Y Gremlin: **(Nervously) Well, that’s true, but…

 **Monty:** (Angrily) Then get back ta work! You should ALL be lucky I’m givin’ you jobs!

 **O &Y Gremlin: **(Clears his throat) Actually, you were building some private subway an’ our underground village got in the way… 

 **Monty:** (Smugly) Would you rather have yer homes demolished or be enslaved? 

_The_ **O &Y Gremlin ** _doesn’t answer._ **Monty** _barges past without even waiting for an answer._

**Monty:** (To **Grovely** ) C’mon! Let’s go see if there’s any more treasure ta take home. (To the camera) It’s amazing how much you can learn from a book!

_He shows us a book titled_ **“Colonisation for Dummies”** _. As they walk offscreen, the camera pans up to the gang on the train’s roof._

**Cypress:** (Realising) Hey! I recognise him!

 **Shirley:** (Shocked) Like… Monty built all this?

 **Hamton:** (Grimly) More like he got someone else ta do it.

 **Fifi:** (Angrily) Zere eez only one thing zat we can do. We ‘ave to stop Monty et free ze poor Gremlins!

 **Plucky:** (Heroically) An’ find a proper engagement ring while doing so!

_With that, they clamber off the train’s roof and onto the platform. But before they proceed,_ **Shirley** _stops them._

**Shirley:** (Concerned) Like, hold it. What about Uncle Wackford an’ the nephews, or some junk?

**Plucky** _shrugs and they carry on without a second thought._ **Cypress** _looks around in wonderment._

**Cypress:** (Awestruck) Wow… These little guys have created an entire community hundreds, maybe even thousands of miles beneath our feet! Who knows what sort of organic material they used in order ta build their houses?

_The gang wanders past a line of mine carts, all filled to the brim with several gems and jewels of different shapes, sizes and colour. The green duck stops dead the moment he sees them._

**Plucky:** (Slyly) Hello…

_He sneaks up to one of the carts, his eyes widening and his pupils turning into dollar signs._

**Plucky:** (Chuckling) Okay, one of you fragile beauties is goin’ on my wife’s finger! But which one?

_We cut to a view of the treasure from_ **Plucky’s** _perspective. The camera scans every shiny rock in the pile, until it zooms in on a large ruby._

**Plucky:** (Greedily) You’ll do just fine!

_He reaches out to grab the ruby, when…_

**???:** (Offscreen) Don’t even think about it, bub!

**Plucky** _freezes upon hearing the voice. He turns to face_ **Shirley** _,_ **Fifi** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Cypress** _. They seem unaware of what he’s doing._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) Who said that?

 _As he speaks, a_ **Yellow and Green** **Gremlin** _perches atop his head. It waves nonchalantly at the audience._

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) Say… d’you think… Hey! Could that have been a… gremlin?

_The_ **Yellow and Green Gremlin** _makes itself known by screaming into the duck’s ear._

**Y &G Gremlin: **(Bellows) IT AIN’T STELLA ADLER!!

_While_ **Plucky** _recovers from the shock, the_ **Y &G Gremlin ** _pulls out a fifteen-pound sledgehammer and brings it down on the duck’s webbed foot._

**Plucky:** YEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!

_The others turn to see_ **Plucky** _hopping around in agony whilst the_ **Y &G Gremlin ** _runs rings around him on an invisible bike._

**Shirley:** (Surprised) Like, look! A gremlin, or some junk! Maybe it can tell us what’s totally goin’ on with Monty!

 **Plucky** _recovers and seizes the sledgehammer, intending to break every bone in the_ **Y &G** **Gremlin’s** _body. To his surprise, the tool is yanked out of his grasp by an unseen force._

 **Cypress:** (Sternly) Plucky, you can have your retribution later, right now, we need to talk to your little friend. 

 **Y &G Gremlin: **(To **Cypress** ) He ain’t my friend, bub. An’ neither are you. This treasure belongs ta Montana Max!

 **Hamton:** (Clears throat) E-Excuse us, Mr Gremlin, but we know Monty an’ we know he probably…

 **Y &G Gremlin: **(Interrupting) Well, technically, the treasure belongs to us, but Montana Max kinda claimed the rights to ‘em… but we ain’t letting anyone else take ‘em!

 **Fifi:** (Gently) Monsieur, we are ‘ere to ‘elp vous, please…

 **Y &G Gremlin: **Who’re you? Government workers? (Screaming) INTRUDER ALERT!! INTRUDER ALERT!!

_He takes out a horn and begins to blast a tune on it._ **Plucky** _jams a finger into the bell, silencing it._

**Plucky:** (Irritated) Hey, Dizzy Gillespie, which part of ‘we’re tryin’ ta help’ don’t ya understand?

_The camera pans out to reveal that they’re now surrounded by an army of_ **Gremlins** _. They’re all brandishing spears._

**Y &G Gremlin: **(Coldly, to the group) If nobody moves…nobody gets hurt.

**Plucky** _reaches down, snatches a spear from one of the_ **Gremlins** _and uses it as a toothpick._

**Hamton:** (Nervously) P-Plucky… don’t taunt them. Remember, not even Professor Bugs could outsmart these guys…

 **Plucky:** (Nonchalantly) Which is why they’re amazing…

_He shows us his ridiculously swollen foot from when the_ **Y &G Gremlin ** _hit it._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) When they ain’t attackin’ ya. (To **Y &G Gremlin**) So tell me, Shorty? How did ya defeat a rabbit?

 **Y &G Gremlin: **(Disparagingly) We don’t reveal our secrets to some second-rate goose!

 **Shirley:** (Affronted) Like, hey! My future husband ain’t no second-rate goose!

**Plucky** _folds his arms, smirking._

**Shirley:** (Affronted) He’s a second-rate duck!

**Plucky** _does a slow burn._

**Fifi:** (To the **Gremlins** ) Listen to moi, all of vous. None of us are ‘ere to steal from vous.

 **Hamton:** (To the **Gremlins** ) Y-Yeah. We got lost in these caves after Plucky messed up an’ we’re just tryin’ ta find a way out.

 **Fifi:** (To the **Gremlins** ) Mais, we know ze boy who ‘as treated vous poorly, et we shall ‘elp vous be rid of ‘im!

 **Cypress:** (With spirit) I second that! If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s some corporate jerk who takes advantage of the environment for his own personal gain! 

 **Y &G Gremlin: **(Snidely) Y’know, they all say that. After Montana Max helped himself to our treasure, we’re now living in fear. The Slurpasaur could storm into our village at any moment now because of surface-dwellers like you! We trust no-one!

_The tiny army inches closer to the quintet, who huddle in fear._

**Shirley:** (Fearful) Like, great. We’re gonna get skewered by pipsqueaks an’ I totally haven’t been married yet!

 **Plucky:** (With bravado) Fear not, my blushing bride, although ducks are regarded in the public eye as second bananas, we’re incredibly brave. And the one duck that’s gonna fend off these freaks is…

 **Wackford:** (Offscreen) Bahookie!

_Everyone, including the_ **Gremlins** _, looks around in surprise as the Scottish exclamation rings throughout the chamber like a trumpet. The camera cuts to_ **Wackford** _bouncing towards them on his cane._

**Plucky:** (Exasperated) No! No, no, no, no!! NOT HIM!!

_The_ **Gremlins** _scatter in fear as the Scottish duck springs around, attempting to squish them._

**Shirley:** (Overjoyed) Like, Uncle Wackford! You saved our lives, or some junk!

**Wackford** _ignores her, instead sprinting over to the mine carts and diving into the pile of treasure._

**Wackford:** (Greedily) Och, aye! It’s mine, it’s all mine!

 **Plucky:** (Angrily) No, it’s MINE!

_The green duck runs towards_ **Wackford** _and lunges on him._

**Shirley:** (Furiously) Like, um, technically, since one ‘o’ those gems is goin’ on MY engagement ring, it’s technically MINE!!

_She leaps on_ **Plucky** _and_ **Wackford** _and the three waterfowl vanish into a ball of flying fists and feet, the mine cart rocking on the rails._

**Cypress:** (To **H &F**) Y’know, it’s really great that Plucky and Shirley are gettin’ along now, but am I the only one who thinks they’re worse than ever now?

 **Hamton:** (Ignoring her question) This is a dilemma. We gotta stop Monty from exploitin’ these guys but they don’t want us ta help.

 **Fifi:** (Resolutely) Ah think zat we should ‘ave un word avec zat greedy petit brat et force ‘im out! Even if zese Gremlins want nothing to do avec us!

_She takes out her notepad and writes a few notes in it._

**Hamton:** (Grimly) Well, c’mon then. Plucky an’ Shirley aren’t gonna help…

_He trails off just as the camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _and_ **Wackford** _scrapping over the treasure._

**Plucky:** (Angrily) Stay outta this, Shirl! If you hafta choose, we’ll be here for all eternity!

 **Shirley:** (Furiously) Like, if you carry on, I’m totally gonna file for divorce or some junk!

 **Plucky:** (Angrily) We ain’t even married yet!

 **Wackford:** (Frenzied) Och, aye, this treasure’s mine!

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) I think you’ll find that it’s MINE!

_The three waterfowl stop scrapping in shock and horror. The camera cuts to_ **Monty** _and_ **Grovely** _standing with the_ **Gremlins** _. Some of them have surrounded_ **Cypress** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _._

**Act Eight**

_We cut to_ **Monty** _sitting on a throne that’s being carried by_ **Grovely** _. The group stand in front of him, surrounded by the_ **Gremlins** _._

**Monty:** (Snarky) Wow, the way we always bump into each other, anyone would think you guys had Stockholm syndrome.

 **Shirley:** (Beat) So… like…you admit that you kidnapped us an’ blamed it on some monster?

 **Monty:** (Defensively) No, I saved you! (Mutters) An’ then locked you up in some taxidermist’s abandoned castle.

 **Plucky:** (Scratching his head) So you saved us and then abducted us?

 **Monty:** (Angrily) Yes! And no!

 **Hamton:** (Venturing) But you insinuated that we had Stockholm syndrome, which is when a kidnapping victim or hostage develops feelings of trust and affection for their captor.

 **Monty:** (Irritated) Never mind! Now that you dorks came back, I’m gonna make sure you never see the light of day again!

 **Fifi:** (Bluntly) So, vous are now kidnapping us?

**Monty** _turns red in the face with frustration and is about to yell when_ **Yakky** _,_ **Smakky** _and_ **Wakky** _show up. For some reason,_ **Wakky** _has a cigar clamped in his bill._

**Yakky:** (Gruffly, to **Monty** ) Hey, Monty. We want a woid wit’ yous.

_The group does a double-take upon hearing this completely different voice._

**Monty:** (To **Yakky** ) Later, Yakko.

 **Yakky:** (Indignantly) Yakky! 

 **Monty:** (Annoyed) My name’s Monty, you idiot. (To the group) Anyhoo… 

 **Yakky:** (To **Monty** ) Where’s our spinoff, bozo? I’m sick ‘o’ takin’ these growth stunt pills, an’ so are me brudders! 

 **Shirley:** (Suspicious, to **YS &W**) Like, how come you guys ain’t finishin’ each other’s sentences or some junk?

 **Yakky:** (Patronisingly, to **Shirley** ) What, yous t’ought dat we liked talkin’ like we got ripped outta one ‘o’ dem Disney cartoons, Doll-face? Yous ain’t givin’ da dumb blonde stereotype much help, are yiz?

 **Plucky:** (Deadly calm) If I were you, I’d apologise to my wife…

 **Fifi:** (Bored) Fiancée.

 **Plucky:** (Deadly calm) Finance… 

 **Hamton:** (Unimpressed) Fiancée. 

 **Plucky:** (Deadly calm) Fee-ahhhn-say…

 **Cypress:** (Mutters) Whom you shouldn’t be marrying until you’ve finished high school or any form of education.

 **Plucky:** (Deadly calm) Whom I shouldn’t be marrying until I’ve… (To **Cypress** ) Hey! 

 **Grovely:** (Superciliously) Methinks this is all getting out of hand.

 **Monty:** (Annoyed) Shut up, Grovely. (To the group) This is all getting’ outta hand. (Scratching his head) Now, where were we?

 **Yakky:** (Confrontational) Me an’ me brudders getting’ our own show!

 **Plucky:** (Angrily) Hey, wait a minute, there’s only one guy that’s gettin’ his own show down here an’ that’s… (Balks) Us!

 **Monty:** (Bellows) SHADDAP!! (To **Yakky** ) The deal’s off! Now, scram!

 **Yakky:** (Dumbfounded) What? But ya promised us a sixty-five episode show if we took care ‘o’ dat green loser!

 **Monty:** (Snaps) An’ ya failed! The chump’s still here an’ so are his friends. That’s what happens in showbiz, everything changes with one phone call!

 **Yakky:** (Puzzled) What phone?

 **Fifi:** (Annoyed) Oh, sacré bleu… (To **Monty** ) Eef vous knew vat was good pour vous, vous ‘ad better leave et let ze Gremlins go!

 **Cypress:** (With spirit) Yeah! Authority should derive from the consent of the governed, not from the threat of force!

 **Monty:** (Beat) I have no idea what you just said, but I’m gonna lock you guys up for the rest of your lives.

 **Hamton:** (Puzzled) But why? Why’re you enslaving these creatures? They have nothin’ ta do with makin’ a show!

 **Monty:** (Rolls his eyes) No kidding! But they have treasure! The sort of treasure that I can use ta bribe the chumps at Warner Bros into makin’ my own show!

 **Shirley:** (Shocked) But yer rich! Use yer own money!

 **Monty:** (Scoffs) You dumb blonde! I have better things ta do with my cash! Such as build this private underground railway…that you chumps were TRESPASSING on before…so that I could get to Burbank first!

 **Hamton:** (Desperate) Don’t you understand, though? The more jewels you force the Gremlins to mine, the more you risk the chance of the Slurpasaur attackin’ you!

 **Monty:** (Dismissive) Don’t gimme that! I’ve drained the caves dry, an’ no-one’s come ta stop me, what makes ya think this Sloppo-whatever’s gonna show up?

_Before anyone can answer, there is a deafening roar that reverberates around the huge grotto. Everyone freezes in fear._

**Gremlins:** (Terrified) IT’S THE SLURPASAUR!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

_The tiny horned creatures flee in fear._

**Fifi:** (Coldly, to **Monty** ) Satisfied?

_Before the spoiled brat can retort, an enormous chameleon the size of a jumbo jet scuttles down the cave wall towards the group. This is the_ **Slurpasaur** _. For some reason, it looks like it has fake dinosaur scales glued to its head and back. It bears down upon the terrified Toons with greedy eyes._

_After a beat,_ **Plucky** _bursts out laughing. Everyone stares at him._

**Shirley:** (Baffled) Like, what’s so funny, Plucky-poo?

 **Plucky:** (Laughing) What’s so funny?? What’s so funny?? (Gestures at the **Slurpasaur** ) Look at it! This is the mythical monster that we’re all supposed ta be scared of? Just look at its scales, they don’t even match the colour of its skin!

_Everyone takes another look at the beast. Then, they start laughing._

**Fifi:** (Cooing) Awww, eet looks so mignon!

 **Hamton:** (Giggling) A gone-off casserole’s scarier than that!

 **Shirley:** (Sniggering) Like, Sam Singer’s cartoons look better than this thing!

_The_ **Slurpasaur** _does nothing. It still looks baleful._ **Yakky** _walks up to it and tugs on one of the scales._

**Yakky:** (Mockingly) I can see da glue holdin’ dese pieces ‘o’ plastic together!

_Without moving, the_ **Slurpasaur** _thrusts out its tongue and seizes_ **Yakky** _with it._

**Yakky:** (Horrified) What da? Help! Help! He…

_He vanishes into the giant lizard’s mouth._ **Smakky** _and_ **Wakky** _do a double take and try to run away but the_ **Slurpasaur** _catches them with its tongue and pulls them into its mouth. Everyone cringes as they hear the sound of bones crunching from the monster’s closed jaws as it chews and then swallows._

**Monty:** (Calmly) Grovely?

 **Grovely:** Yes, Master Monty?

 **Monty:** (Bawls) GET ME OUTTA HERE!!

_With that,_ **Grovely** _staggers away in the direction of the waiting train,_ **Monty** _leaning over the throne he’s carrying to whip his back._

**Cypress:** (Angrily, to **Monty** ) Stop! You’ve gotta give the treasure back!

 **Plucky:** (Terrified, to **Monty** ) Wait for me!

_Before the green duck can move, the_ **Slurpasaur** _surrounds them with its tail, intending to make a meal out of them._

**Hamton:** (Urgently) Fifi!

_The skunkette hands him a backpack with a label reading_ **“Acme Emergency Food Supply”** _. The_ **Slurpasaur** _opens its mouth._

**Fifi:** (Dutifully) ‘Ere!

**Hamton** _takes out a bottle of_ **“Acme Hotternell Sauce”** _out of his pocket and squirts it all over the backpack. Taking careful aim, he lobs it into the giant lizard’s maw._

_The_ **Slurpasaur** _closes its mouth. Its cheeks puff out. Smoke leaks from its nostrils and its eyes water. Then, it can stand no more. It opens it jaws to roar in pain…and a jet of fire erupts from them._

**Fifi:** (Shrieks) Get down!

_The quintet hit the dirt just as the flames soar over them._

**Plucky:** (Yelling over the roaring) Nice goin’, you two! Ya turned it into a dragon! Let’s get outta here before we all fry!

 **Hamton:** (Yelling over the roaring) We ain’t goin’ anywhere until the Gremlins are freed!

**Fifi** _suddenly wheels round and whips the_ **Slurpasaur** _with her slightly scorched tail tip, forcing it to close its mouth._

**Fifi:** (Determinedly) Hammy, tu come avec moi… (To **Plucky** ) Vous distract ze Slurpasaur!

 **Plucky:** (Aghast) ME?!

**Shirley** _embraces him from behind._

**Shirley:** (Swooning) Like, do it for me, Plucky! You’ll be a hero!

 **Plucky:** (Perkily) Well, when you put it like that…

**Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _are already running off in the direction of a shaft that some rails lead into._

**Hamton:** (Calling) Thanks! Good luck. Plucky!

_Just as the pig and skunkette pass the monster, it recovers and uses its searing breath once again._ **Shirley** _tenses up and forms a shield in front of herself,_ **Plucky** _and_ **Cypress** _. It absorbs the flames._

**Cypress:** (To **Plucky** ) Let it chase you for a while! Shirley and I will evacuate the citizens!

 **Plucky:** (Gulps) I hate bein’ a duck sometimes…

_He turns on his heel and sprints away. The_ **Slurpasaur** _gives chase, its swinging tail demolishing a house to reveal a_ **Gremlin** _sat on a toilet._

 

**Act Nine**

_We fade to some multicoloured_ **Gremlins** _picking away at the cave walls. No gems appear. Only stones and pebbles. A_ **Purple and Red Gremlin** _collapses with exhaustion._

**P &R Gremlin: **(Sobbing) It’s hopeless! There’s no more treasure ta mine! If Monty won’t kill us, the Slurpasaur will!

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen) Fear not, mes amis! We are ‘ere to ‘elp vous!

_The tiny creatures look up to see_ **Fifi** _standing before them. She is dressed like_ **Indiana Jones** _._ **Hamton** _is beside her, dressed like_ **Henry Jones Snr** _._

**Blue and Green Gremlin:** (Awestruck) Who’re you guys?

 **Fifi:** (Proudly) We ‘ave come to liberate vous from zat Monty! Vous no longer ‘ave to dig! Vous are free! (With spirit) Vive la révolution!

 **Gremlins:** (Gleefully) Hooray!

_They drop their tools and scamper towards the village._

**Hamton:** (Rallying) C’mon! One at a time! Don’t push or there’ll be an accident!

_Once the last_ **Gremlin** _has passed them,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _stride after them._

**Hamton:** (Eagerly) Once Plucky deals with that Slurpasaur, we can head after Monty!

 **Fifi:** (Excitedly) Et ah ‘ave written everything ah need down pour zis action-adventure spinoff!

_The_ **Gremlins** _prance offscreen, holding hands._

**Gremlins:** (Merrily) We’re free! We’re free!

_We hear the_ **Slurpasaur** _bellow. The_ **Gremlins** _retreat back into focus. Some of them are on fire._

**Gremlins:** (Terrified) We’re doomed! We’re doomed!

 **Fifi:** (Shocked) Quoi?? Mais…

_Before she can say anymore,_ **Shirley** _and_ **Cypress** _sprint into the cave shepherding a mass of_ **Gremlins** _, followed by_ **Plucky** _, whose tail feathers are smouldering._

**Shirley:** (Shrieking) Like, okay, there’s totally no need ta panic! We’ll just hide in here until it calms down!!

 **Hamton:** (Flabbergasted) P-Plucky, we told you ta distract it!

 **Y &G Gremlin: **(Pointing at **Plucky** ) That idiot made it chase him around an’ it ruined our village!

 **Plucky:** (Indignantly) Hey! (Pointing at **F &H**) They’re the reason it’s a walkin’ barbeque!

_All of the_ **Gremlins** _turn to face the sheepish pig and skunkette._

**Cypress:** (Sighs) How ironic. We destroyed a society tryin’ to protect it.

 **Fifi:** (Clears her throat) Do not worry! We shall ‘elp vous rebuild your town!

 **Plucky:** (Annoyed) How? We’re trapped in here now!

 **Shirley:** (Uncomfortably) An’ like, we gotta go after Monty before he reaches the studio…

 **Hamton:** (Happily) Wait! We have some emergency food supplies we can give ‘em! (Beat, sadly) Oh, yeah… they’re in the Slurpasaur.

 **Fifi:** (Despairingly) Eet eez ‘opeless!

_She and_ **Hamton** _remove their respective costumes to stand in their normal attire. All of a sudden, they all hear the_ **Slurpasaur** _roar in agony. Everyone rushes to the opening and we pan over to_ **Wackford** _bouncing on the lizard’s head with his cane._

**Wackford:** (Singing dementedly) Hark, when the night is falling, hear, hear the pipes are calling! Loudly and proudly calling down through the glen!

 **P &R Gremlin: **(In awe) Golly! What a duck!

 **Y &G Gremlin: **(Happily) He’ll save our village and our treasure from the Slurpasaur!

 **Plucky:** (In consternation) NO! I’m the hero round here, not him!

 **Cypress:** (Stage whisper) Y’know, now that Wackford’s distracting the monster, we could escape.

 **Shirley:** (Grimly) Like, for sure! Let’s make like bananas an’ split!

 **Y &G Gremlin:** (To the other **Gremlins** ) C’mon, fellas! Let’s vanquish the monster an’ put the fires out at the same time!

_The_ **Gremlins** _scurry out of the cave, shouting in fervour. The quintet walks despondently out._

**Plucky:** (Bitterly) I was gonna save everyone’s lives, not that senile mallard!

 **Hamton:** (Hurriedly) Let it go, Plucky. Right now, we gotta go after Monty!

_They abruptly halt as_ **Wackford** _boings past with the_ **Slurpasaur** _in hot pursuit. The creature takes no notice of them. After it passes, they hurry to the station platform._

**Fifi:** (Pondering) Oui… ze choo-choo line leads to ze way out…mais we shall never catch up to Monty on our feet.

 **Cypress:** (Sighs) You’re right. But what do we do?

**Plucky** _looks around and sees the mine carts completely unattended. A lightbulb appears above his head._

**Act Ten**

_We cut to the railway tunnel._ **Shirley** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Cypress** _sit in a mine cart while_ **Plucky** _and_ **Hamton** _push it along. They are gradually gathering speed._

**Fifi:** (Concerned) Zis eez un bon solution mais can eet go any faster?

 **Hamton:** (Panting) Don’t worry, Feef. If I know the action-adventure genre, this line’s gonna get pretty crazy in a few seconds…

 **Shirley:** (Pointing ahead) Like, yer totally correct, Hamton!

_The camera cuts to the end of the tunnel. It is widening out into an enormous open space where the tracks are now elevated above a dark abyss. Upon seeing this,_ **Fifi** _takes_ **Hamton** _by the hands and hauls him into the cart._ **Plucky** _stumbles a bit before flopping in._

**Shirley:** (Nervously) Like, I hope you guys love roller coasters, or some junk… 

 **Plucky:** (Scoffs) Compared to the rides at Happy World Land, this’ll be a cinch! 

**Cypress’s** _knuckles have gone white from being clamped to the sides of the cart._

**Cypress:** (Whimpering) No, no, no, no, no…

_The mine cart goes over a huge dip in the tracks and hurtles down it at breakneck speed._

**Cypress:** (Screams) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

_The mine cart rattles and shakes as it reaches the bottom of the dip and begins to ascend, the five passengers rattling about like peas in a frying pan. As it reaches the top, a rock suddenly hits the back of_ **Plucky’s** _head._

**Plucky:** (Pained) AGH!

 **Shirley:** (Outraged) Like, hey!

_The camera cuts to the sides of the open space. Some_ **Gremlins** _are standing there, armed with slingshots. A_ **Blue and White Gremlin** _leads them._

**B &W Gremlin: **(Commanding) Stop them!

 **Fifi:** (Exasperated) Zem again? Vat do zey want zis time?

 **Plucky:** (Sheepishly) Y’know how Uncle Stinky said they didn’t like it when people stole their treasure?

_He shows them the huge red ruby._

**Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) How’s this for an engagement ring?

 **Shirley:** (Gushing) Like, Plucky-poo, it’s perfect! We can totally get married noOOOOOOOOOOOOWW!!

_They thunder down another dip. Rocks sail past their heads as they do so._

**Hamton:** (Irritated) Look, you guys’ll never get married if we don’t get outta here! We’ll either crash this thing or get impaled by Gremlins or incinerated by the Slurpasaur!

**Fifi** _stands up and fires her tail like a gun. Balls of musk fly at the_ **Gremlins** _. Some of them duck, but others aren’t so lucky. They get stunk out and fall into the precipice._

**Fifi:** (Smugly) Vous jettes comme des marmottes!

 **Hamton** **:** (Shocked) Fifi, look out!

_He pulls her down just as the trolley zooms through an enclosed tunnel in which the roof is inches away from the top of the car. Everyone ducks down as it scrapes across the roof, sparks flying. After a few seconds, the tunnel widens out and they hurtle down another steep dip._

**Cypress:** (Nauseated) Why did that bully build a rollercoaster on his own line?

 **Plucky:** (Shrugs) He likes to have fun, I guess. (Abruptly) Smile, guys!

_Everyone does big cheesy grins as there is a flash. The trolley abruptly changes direction, veering to the right into another tunnel._ **Shirley’s** _grin vanishes as she looks ahead._

**Shirley:** (Aghast) Like, duck!

 **Plucky:** (Eagerly) Pig!

 **Cypress:** (Excitedly) Skunk!

 **Shirley:** (Frustrated) No, like, get down!

_They all crouch down as the mine cart smashes through some boards, sending dust and splinters flying everywhere. As they peek out, they all do a double-take and the camera pans ahead to reveal a set of buffers at the end of the shaft. A sign above it reads_ **“END OF THE LINE, LOSERS!”**

**Fifi:** (Horrified) Mon dieu! Zere eez no way we can stop in time!

 **Hamton:** (Horrified) There aren’t any brakes on this thing!! (To the camera) That goes against several health and safety regulations.

 **Plucky:** (Thinking, excitedly) Wait a minute. This is my chance ta become the hero! (Heroically) Don’t worry, folks! I’ll stop this crazy thing!

_To the surprise of the others, he climbs out of the trolley and positions himself in front of it. Then, he plants his feet on the front wheels. Sparks fly asunder as he does so. We get a close up of the duck’s face as tears stream down it from the friction._

_We cut back to the underground village. Some of the_ **Gremlins** _are stood at the huge dam overlooking the town. They have planted several blockbuster bombs there and are toting mallets._

**Y &G Gremlin: **(To the camera) Not only will this vanquish the Slurpasaur but it’ll put out all the fires too!

_They all swing their mallets simultaneously and hit the bombs. They all go off in an earth-shattering kaboom, blasting a hole in the dam. A tsunami erupts from the giant wall, spilling into the village._

_We cut to the_ **Slurpasaur** _, who breathes fire on_ **Wackford** _, turning him into a perfectly carved roast duck. Just as it’s about to eat him, it stops and does a double take before being engulfed by the water._

_We cut to a view of the tunnel that the bullet train and mine cart have gone through. The water from the dam cascades rapidly into it._

**Act Eleven**

**Plucky’s** _webbed feet catch fire as the trolley begins to lose speed._

**Shirley:** (Encouragingly) Like, c’mon, Plucky-poo! We’re stoppin’! We’re totally stoppin’!!

 **Plucky:** (Screaming) MY ATHLETE’S FOOT!!

_The loon is correct. The trolley is now moving at walking pace since the wheels have been ground to nothing. They come to a complete stop just a few inches from the buffers._

**Shirley:** (Glowingly) Pl-ucky, ya did it! You saved us!

**Plucky** _ignores her, leaping off the cart and running frantically around: his feet are on fire._

**Plucky:** (Wailing) Help! Help! I’m burnin’! Call 911!

 **Fifi:** (Musing) Ah doubt zat Monty’s line ends ‘ere… we must ‘ave been detersive.

 **Hamton:** (Pondering) That’s diverted, dear. But, yeah. Monty must’ve set us down the wrong track. Either that or the Gremlins.

 **Cypress:** (Surprised) Hey, look! This cavern carries on past the stop! Maybe there’s a way out through it!

 **Plucky:** (Shouting) WATER!! WATER!!

_There is an ominous rumbling noise that makes everyone stop dead._

**Fifi:** (Nervously, to **Hamton** ) Was zat your stomach, Hammy?

 **Hamton:** (Uneasily) Now that you mention it, I’m kinda hungry…but that wasn’t me.

_There is a sudden roar of rushing water and the camera cuts to a huge tidal wave that fills the entire cave and heading directly toward them._

**Hamton:** (Terrified) Fifi!

**Fifi** _takes out the_ **Acme Self-Inflating Life Raft** _and pulls the cord. With a whooshing noise, it inflates from a tiny cube to a huge orange boat which she sets down on the ground._ **Hamton** _takes out five orange lifejackets._

**Hamton:** (Urgently) Everyone take a jacket and get in the boat!

_They do so, with_ **Plucky** _dangling his burning feet over the side._

**Fifi:** (Bracing herself) ‘Old on, mes amis, zis eez going to be risky!

_They all close their eyes in fear. The torrent strikes them, knocking the mine cart off the rails and destroying the buffers. The raft tosses and turns on top of the rapids, its passengers holding each other for dear life. They bounce on waves, they tilt to the left and then the right and they are propelled deeper and deeper into the cave._

_It is interesting to note that as the water thunders along taking them with it, the cave walls give way to a cylindrical tunnel. They’re now in a sewer._

**Plucky:** (Yells) Look! I see a light!

_But before anyone can see it, there’s a loud crashing noise as the water hits the sewer walls and they’re abruptly blasted upwards._

_The camera cuts to a grimy moonlit city street. Abruptly, a manhole cover blasts off and_ **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _,_ **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Cypress** _shoot out of it on a column of water. They fall down, bouncing off the inflatable boat and landing painfully on the tarmac._

**Plucky:** (Groans) The surface… At last…we’re at the surface…

_He passes out._

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**CREDITS**

 

Written by: **Redtop95**

Creative Consultant: **Pepe-K**

 **Cypress Duck** is owned by: **Smallj85**


	16. The Return of Batduck

_The bullet train thunders through the caves until it reaches a junction. It goes down the left track. It begins to descend an incline until it reaches the top and enters a subway. It comes to a halt at a platform, and_ **Monty** _stomps out._

**Monty:** (Enraged) Where the heck are we?!

_The camera cuts to a sign on the wall reading:_ **“Welcome to Gotham City”** _before cutting back to_ **Monty** _._ **Grovely** _emerges from the train._

**Grovely:** (Deadpan) Methinks we should have taken a left turn at Albuquerque.

 **Monty:** (Shrugs) Ah, well. Those nerds have probably been gobbled up by that lizard freak. There’s no rush ta get ta Warner Bros Studios, so I’m gonna go have a catch-up with the Penguin.

_He walks up some stairs and the camera cuts to the subway entrance. Film crew members hurry to and fro in the background and_ **Monty** _looks around in confusion._

**Monty:** (Puzzled) What’s goin’ on here?

**Grovely** _walks up behind him._

**Grovely:** They appear to be shooting a movie, Master Monty.

 **Monty:** (Touchily) I know that!

 **Grovely:** Then, with all due respect, why did you ask?

 **Monty:** (Sulkily) I dunno, just shut up. (Muttering) Who’s in charge around here?

_We cut to a view of the film set. There is a studio camp chair that reads…_

**Monty:** (Puzzled) Michael Wharf?

_He and_ **Grovely** _abruptly explode._

**THE PLUCKY DUCK SHOW**

**Episode 16**

**The Return of Batduck**

**Act One**

_We fade to the interior of a movie trailer._ **Plucky** _lies on a couch, seemingly unconscious._ **Small J** _, the kitten whom the duck met in the Everglades, is set uncomfortably close to him, sponging his forehead. After a few dabs with the sponge, he accidentally drops it on_ **Plucky’s** _face. The green duck convulses with muffled grunts, before sitting bolt upright, the sponge flying off his bill._

**Small J:** (Happily) You’re awake!

 **Plucky:** (Shrieks) DAAAAAAH!!

 **Small J** _is thrown off the couch as_ **Plucky** _impulsively_ _scoots backwards to gain more space._ **Small J** _scrambles back onto the couch._

 **Small J:** (Glowingly) Wow, Plucky, I never thought I’d see you again!

 **Plucky:** (Bewildered) Wh-Where am I??

 **Small J:** (Matter-of-factly) In Gotham City. (Excitedly) We’re shootin’ a movie here an’ we were about ta start filmin’ but then there was this weird rumbling noise and then: WHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! You flew out of the sewer on a rubber raft! And what made it all the more better? Shirley, Fifi an’ Hamton were with you!

 **Plucky:** (Looking around) Where are they?

 **Small J:** (Casually) They’re outside with some hippy girl.

_He looks around, as if he’s checking whether the coast is clear, and then speaks again._

**Small J:** (In hushed tones) Say, Plucky… Is it just me, or does Shirley look kinda different?

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled) In what way?

_The kitten makes an ‘hourglass figure’ outline._

**Plucky:** (Shrugs) I dunno. She just went out one day an’ came back lookin’ like somethin’ outta Grease. Why d’you wanna know, anyway?

 **Small J:** (Conversationally) For her costume.

 **Plucky:** Costume?

 **Small J:** (Excitedly) For the movie I’m working on.

 **Plucky:** Movie?

 

**Act Two**

_We cut to_ **Shirley** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _standing outside the trailer._

**SF &H: **(Thunderstruck) MOVIE?!

_The camera cuts to_ **Michael** **Wharf** _._

**Michael:** (Flustered) You don’t have to yell!

 **Shirley:** (Outraged) Like, how come none of us knew about this?!

 **Michael:** (Pacifying) Look, I’m a director, that’s not my responsibility.

 **Hamton:** (Puzzled) D-Don’t you recognise us from that Crazy Carl movie you were shootin’?

 **Michael:** (Beat) Oh, yeah. But, I didn’t know you guys at the time. You’re from Tiny Toon Adventures, aren’t ya?

 **Fifi:** (Correcting) ‘Were’, monsieur. We are now, how-you-say, independable.

 **Hamton:** (Gently correcting) Independent.

 **Michael:** (Dismissively) Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. (Seriously) The thing is: Tiny Toon Adventures has made itself famous for makin’ pop culture references, am I right?

 **SH &F: **(Pondering) Well…

 **Michael:** (Excitedly) So, when I heard about that new Batman movie Burton’s workin’ on, I knew that makin’ a parody of that movie would be perfect for me!

 **Fifi:** (Suspiciously) Ze last time zat we worked avec vous, vous nearly caused Shirley to murder Plucky.

 **Shirley:** (Mistrusting) Like, yeah! Who’s ta say you won’t totally break us up again?

 **Michael:** (Rubbing the back of his head) Errr… the emotion technique didn’t work out as well as I thought.

_We abruptly cut to a morgue before cutting back to_ **Michael** _._

**Michael:** (Cheerfully) So, before that slip-up could permanently destroy my career, I changed my philosophy. I’m gonna make sure you guys stay relevant by parodying the latest crazes!

 **Hamton:** (To the camera) This episode’s not gonna age well.

 **Michael:** (Excitedly) So, Tim Burton’s working on that Batman movie, isn’t he? The green duck’s already parodied that guy on your old show, so what better way ta coincide with its release by makin’ another parody?!

 **Hamton:** (Suspiciously) If I may offer an opinion, Mr Wharf…

_We hear the sound of an explosion in the background._

**Hamton:** (Continuing) While it’s true that Plucky an’ I parodied Batman, where does that leave Feef an’ Shirley? Neither of them has imitated any of the DC superheroes.

 **Shirley:** (Outraged) Like, yeah! One ‘o’ the main reasons we left Acme Acres was so that we’d get some attention for once, or some junk!

 **Fifi:** (Indignant) Oui! While mon agent did not give moi any information about zis project, ah feel zat eet eez un great opportunity to, how-you-say, show zem what ah am made of!

 **Michael:** (Nervously) Okay, okay, we can do a few rewrites…

_We cut to a_ **Stagehand** _who drops the script in a shredder before cutting back to_ **Michael** _._

**Michael:** (Nervously) …and we can consult our consultant with regards to what superheroes you lovely ladies can be.

_The ground begins to tremble with thundering footsteps and the_ **Fat Nerd** _plods into view. He’s carrying a sub sandwich and swallows it whole._

**Michael:** (Patting the **Fat Nerd’s** shoulder) He’s one of the best loserrrrr….experts from the Please, Please, Pleese Get a Life Foundation an’ he knows comics like the back of his cheese-puff encrusted hand.

_He wipes the hand he was patting with on his jeans with a look of disgust. The_ **Fat Nerd** _bends over to look down at_ **Shirley** _,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _. The trio nervously backs away._

**Fat Nerd:** (To **Hamton** ) Which Robin are you parodying? Dick Grayson or Tim Drake?

 **Hamton:** (Awkwardly) Uhhh… Dick Grayson?

 **Fat Nerd:** (Scoffs) NO! You’re based on Tim Drake! In the continuity that this parody takes place in, Dick Grayson has already become Nightwing. Someone CLEARLY hasn’t caught up with the installments over the years.

 **Shirley:** (Unimpressed, to **Fat Nerd** ) Like, yeah, but what roles are me an’ Feef gonna play?

 **Fat Nerd:** (To **Shirley** ) You’ll parody Hawkgirl, DUUUH! Hawkgirl is a girl and she associates herself with avian. I don’t know if you’ve looked in a mirror recently, but you’re not only female, but you’re a bird. Use your common sense.

 **Fifi:** (Suspiciously) Vat about moi, monsieur?

 **Fat Nerd:** (Indifferently) You’re gonna parody Zatanna.

 **Fifi:** (Puzzled) Zatanna?

 **Fat Nerd:** (Rolls his eyes) Yes, Zatanna. She’s a magician who barely wears anything.

 **Fifi:** (Protesting) Mais ah do not know any magique!

 **Fat Nerd:** (Annoyed) Yes, and Tim Drake isn’t a former circus performer despite the fact he wears brightly coloured attire. The only reason I want you ta play Zatanna is because I want to see you half-naked…

_He begins to drool. A look of disgusted horror crosses_ **Fifi’s** _face, but before she can make a rebuttal,_ **Plucky** _walks out of the trailer with_ **Small J** _. Upon seeing him, the_ **Fat Nerd** _stops his perverted behaviour._

**Fat Nerd:** (To **Plucky** ) You must be parodying Batman, a.k.a. Bruce Wayne.

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled) No, I’m Green Daff…Plucky Duck.

 **Small J:** (Explaining) No, Plucky, he’s talkin’ about the movie you guys are gonna be in. (Excitedly) It’s about Batduck!

 **Fat Nerd:** Actually, it’s a bastardisation of the Batman franchise and soon to be Detective Comics altogether.

 **Small J:** (Puzzled) Huh?

 **Fat Nerd:** (Matter-of-factly) Due to complaints about the lack of female characters, we’ve been forced to rewrite the script in order to feature parodies of Hawkgirl and Zatanna alongside Batman and Robin. The only way to have this sudden crossover make sense is to give them two separate movies that build up to a huge showdown.

 **Shirley:** (Happily) Like, my own movie?

 **Fifi:** (Glowingly) Ooh, la, la!

 **Michael:** (Outraged) Are you nuts? We only have a budget ta do this movie! We’ll just say that the loon an’ skunk felt bored an’ wanted ta help the duck an’ pig fight evil!

 **Fat Nerd:** (Bitterly) This blatant laziness will be your downfall, Mr. Wharf.

_We hear the sound of an explosion in the background._

**Plucky:** (Baffled) What’s goin’ on?

**Shirley** _crosses over to him._

**Shirley:** (Cheerfully) Like, Pl-ucky! Firstly, it’s mondo great ta see you up and about. Secondly, ta answer yer question, we got blasted outta the sewers, we’re now in Gotham City an’ that loser Michael Wharf…

_We hear the sound of an explosion in the background._

**Shirley:** (Continued) …Suddenly gives us our own trailers an’ tells us we’re just in time for the movie he’s workin’ on, or some junk.

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) HIM?! The last time we worked with him, we lost our best friends an’ nearly got killed! (Beat) Wait, did you say he gave us our own trailers?

 **Shirley:** (Dismissively) Well, yeah, but…

 **Plucky:** (Starstruck) Wow! My very own trailer… Since I’m Batman, I’ll get a huge star on my door! We should do this movie!

 **Shirley:** (Dumbfounded) But, like, what about that dork nearly ruinin’ our lives?

 **Plucky:** (Dismissively) We all make mistakes.

 **Shirley:** (Sceptically) What about Monty?

 **Plucky:** (Scoffs) Shirl, we’re gonna be in a movie. Even if that loser makes it to the studio before us, we’ll have more experience than him! What does he have that we don’t?

 **Shirley:** (With a raised eyebrow) Like, money?

 **Plucky:** (Scoffs) We’ll have plenty of that stuff when we work on this!

_Before_ **Shirley** _can reply,_ **Michael** _calls out._

**Michael:** (Offscreen) Okay, folks, while my consultant and I figure out how ta rewrite the script, can you all go get changed into your costumes?

 

**Act Three**

_We cut to some trailers. Some stagehands are adding nameplates to the doors. One nameplate says_ **“Batduck and Decoy”** _whilst the other says_ **“Hawkloon and Scentanna”** _. The_ **Fat Nerd** _oversees this task._

**Fat Nerd:** (To the camera) Impressed, aren’t you? In case you can’t tell, Hawkloon is the parody name for Hawkgirl and Scentanna for Zatanna. I came up with them myself, so don’t steal. Hey, if we’re gonna butcher the names of the Caped Crusaders, we may as well do the same for our shoehorned stars.

**Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _walk up with_ **Michael** _._

**Michael:** (To the group) Okay, kids, here are your trailers. Your makeup lady is here ta make sure you’re suited up to fight evil! (Shouts) Helloooo, Nurse!

_To_ **Shirley’s** _surprise,_ **Hello Nurse** _emerges from the girl’s trailer, holding a cup of coffee._

**Shirley:** (Dumbfounded, to **Hello** ) Like, i-it’s you!

 **Hello:** (Amicably, to **Shirley** ) Oh, hello. I see you still have that makeover I gave you. Is your loser jerk of a boyfriend still as shallow as ever?

 **Plucky:** (Insulted) No, I’m not.

 **Hello:** (Regarding **Plucky** ) You’re her boyfriend? (Beat) I was expecting someone a bit more impressive.

 **Plucky:** (Indignantly) Hey! I’m the star of Wharf’s…

_We hear the sound of an explosion in the background._

**Plucky:** (Indignantly) …New movie! I’m Batman!

 **Michael:** (Correcting) Batduck. (Gesturing to **HF &S**) And these are Decoy, Zatanna and Hawkgirl!

 **Fat Nerd:** (Offscreen, angrily) It’s Scentanna and Hawkloon, ignoramus!

 **Michael:** (Indifferently) Whatever.

 **Hello:** (Indifferently) I suppose I can come up with something at the last minute. (To the camera) It’s a good job Ralph found the puppy-dog children. Once I finish the makeup on this movie, I can go back to the studio!

 **Michael:** (To **P &H**) You two go and get changed. (To **S &F**) You two go with our makeup lady. (To the crew) Let’s get movin’, people, we got a script ta rewrite an’ scenes ta set up!

_As everyone begins running every which way to look,_ **Plucky** _and_ **Hamton** _enter their trailer whilst_ **Shirley** _and_ **Fifi** _follow_ **Hello** _into their trailer._

_We cut to the interior of the girl’s trailer. It’s a nice, cosy looking place. The moment_ **Hello** _enters, she rushes over to a sewing machine and gets to work._ **Fifi** _hurriedly takes her friend aside._

**Fifi:** (Suspiciously) Excusez-moi, Shirley. Did ah ‘ear wrong or did ah ‘ear zis lady say zat she gave vous zis… zis…

 **Shirley:** (Confused) Like, what?

_Unsure of how to describe it without insulting_ **Shirley** _,_ **Fifi** _looks down directly at the loon’s bosom._ **Shirley** _looks down at the floor, puzzled. Trying another method,_ **Fifi** _makes slight groping gestures._

**Shirley:** (Perplexed) Mmm’kay, I totally don’t follow you.

 **Fifi:** (Frustrated) Oh, Sacré Bleu… (Pointing at **Shirley’s** upper body) Zis body!

 **Shirley:** (Looking down) Oh, so, like THAT’S what you’re referrin’ to! (Casually) Yeah, she gave me this.

 **Fifi:** (Venturing) Et vous wanted ‘er to give eet to vous because of Plucky?

 **Shirley:** (Indifferently) Like, yeah, but I was young an’ foolish back then.

 **Fifi:** (Surprised) Oui, mais… vous look trés different, no?

 **Shirley:** (Indifferently) Well, like, for sure, but you guys got used ta me, right?

 **Fifi:** (Conversationally) Oui, mais Hammy et moi did not see vous pour days et suddenly vous appear avec…un bosom. Et vous made such un radical change pour Plucky.

 **Shirley:** (Uncomfortably) Like, yeah, but…uh… my new look could totally benefit our spinoff! We hafta accentuate the differences between our show an’ Tiny Toons, don’t we?

 **Fifi:** (Suspiciously) Shirley, as zat crepe…

 **Shirley:** (Correcting) Creep.

 **Fifi:** …Creep said: vous are un oiseau. Zey do not ‘ave boosoms. Vous mutilated yourself pour Plucky.

 **Shirley:** (Testily) Like, yeah, I did do it for Plucky, an’ it didn’t work, but now we’re gonna get married, so it doesn’t matter! Besides, we’re toons! We can defy the laws ‘o’ physics now an’ then! I mean, like, Hamton has breasts, too!

 **Fifi:** (Defensively) Actually, Hammy ‘as pectoral muscles. Not breasts.

 **Shirley:** (Moodily) Whatever.

_She turns away, crossing her arms._ **Fifi** _puts a hand on her shoulder._

**Fifi:** (Beat, suspiciously) Shirley… eez Plucky marrying vous pour your body?

 **Shirley:** (Outraged) Like, NO WAY! Plucky an’ I met up with the Walrus of Love an’ settled our differences! If I got rid ‘o’ this bod, Plucky wouldn’t care! He loves me, or some junk!

 **Fifi:** (With a raised eyebrow) Well, ze lady who gave vous ze makeover eez making our costumes. ‘Ow about vous ask ‘er to change vous back?

**Shirley** _looks at_ **Hello** _, then at_ **Fifi** _. Her lower bill quivers and tears begin to appear in her eyes. The skunkette is taken aback by this._

**Shirley:** (Tearfully) Like, I can’t!

 **Fifi:** (Confused) Why not? (Angrily) Ah knew eet! Zat Plucky! Ze leopard cannot change ‘is stripes!

 **Shirley:** (Hurriedly) Like, it’s not Plucky! I-It’s me!

 **Fifi:** (Angrily) No, do not go blaming yourself, mon ami! Ah shall give zat male chauvinist duck un piece of ma mind!

_She turns and begins to march out of the trailer when an invisible force slams the door shut. The skunkette wheels round to see_ **Shirley** _looking desperately at her._

**Shirley:** (Shouts) Like, I’M BROKE!

 **Fifi:** (Puzzled) Quoi? Ah do not understand vous. Do vous mean vous are broken emotionally or…

 **Shirley:** (Rolls her eyes) Like, I ain’t got any money. I paid the makeup lady ta give me this body with everything I had.

 **Fifi:** (With a raised eyebrow) So, vous spent all your money on zis?

 **Shirley:** Yeah! So I couldn’t get rid ‘o’ this if I wanted to!

 **Fifi:** (Beat) Well… ah suppose zat eet ‘as eets good points… whatever zey are.

_When_ **Shirley** _isn’t looking, she takes a peek at her cleavage and then at her own, as if comparing sizes. Just then,_ **Hello** _comes up to them with some measuring tape._

**Hello:** Okay, girls, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.

_She measures_ **Fifi** _, and then_ **Shirley** _._

**Hello:** (To **Fifi** ) There’s no problems with your Zatanna…

 **Fat Nerd:** (Offscreen) Scentanna!

 **Hello:** …Scentanna costume as you’re the proper size. (To **Shirley** ) But you…not so much. Your new body I gave you makes it impossible for you to wear it without it disintegrating.

 **Fat Nerd:** (Offscreen) I can always have that written into the plot!

**Hello** _raises an eyebrow and moves over to the trailer window. The camera cuts to the_ **Fat Nerd** _crouching under the window of the girl’s trailer._ **Hello** _wrenches the window open and stares him down._

**Fat Nerd:** Oh, my sweaty palms…

**Hello** _whacks him on the head with a mallet, knocking him out. The camera cuts back to the trailer’s interior. The female nurse turns to face_ **Shirley** _once more._

**Hello:** (To **Shirley** ) I’m really sorry, but I’m afraid that the only way for you to fit into the costume I made is for you to…relinquish your new body. I suppose that the good news to this bad news is that I’m not gonna charge you for this reverse surgery.

 **Shirley:** (Surprised) Like, say what?

 **Fifi:** (Happily, to **Hello** ) Well, ah believe zat ma friend will ‘ave no problems avec zis, mademoiselle. (Thinking) We shall see if zat Plucky accepts Shirley pour who she really eez now.

 **Hello:** (Cheerfully) Good. (To **Fifi** ) You get changed… (To **Shirley** ) Let’s say goodbye to your bodacious bodice.

_She turns and glares at the camera._

**Hello:** (Indignantly) Hey! This is private!

**Shirley** _is about to move over to_ **Hello** _, when something stops her._

**Shirley:** (Suspiciously) Like, hold on one tarot card pickin’ minute… (To **Fifi** ) How come yer so obsessed with me losin’ this image?

 **Fifi:** (Taken aback) Quoi? Ah do not…

 **Shirley:** (With mounting anger) An’ how come you guys ain’t congratulatin’ me on my engagement ta Plucky?

 **Fifi:** (Shocked) Well, ummm, eet eez because…

 **Shirley:** (Acridly) Why aren’t you happy for me? With this new look, I can compete with you an’ Babs now! (Beat) Like, I totally get it. You’re jealous, aren’t ya?

 **Fifi:** (Scoffs) Do not be so ridiculous! Ah am doing zis…

 **Shirley:** (Interrupting) …So that you can go back ta bein’ the sex symbol of our group, or some junk! And…and you don’t want me an’ Plucky ta be happy because it means that you an’ Hamton ain’t special anymore!

 **Fifi:** (Appalled) Eef being ‘appy means keeping zat… zat…

 **Shirley:** I mean - get crucial, Fifi! I spent all my cash to get this! I'm not gonna throw it all away now that I finally got it. Ya know how many years I watched you two mammals get all the attention? Now that I've got totally better equipment - I'm gonna really SELL it!

 **Shirley** _does a big bump and grind, bumping_ **Fifi** _with her bigger bottom. Then, she does a sexy pin-up pose and spins, slamming_ **Fifi** _and bumping her into a sitting position on the floor._

 **Fifi:** (Woozy) Ah guess zatz why zey call zem knockerz!

 **Shirley:** (To **Hello** ) I don’t care if I don’t fit into that flimsy costume! Throw it in the trash! I want one that fits my new size! Either that, or I’m totally outta here!

 **Fat Nerd:** (Still listening outside the window) Right away, Hawkloon! Nothing is too good for our female superheroines!

 **Shirley:** (Snaps, to **Fat Nerd** ) Ah, get lost, ya mondo pathetic dork. If I don’t get that super sexy Hawkloon attire, I’ll personally send you back to yer mom’s basement!

 **Fifi:** Shirley! You are not, how you say, Selling out?!

 **Shirley:** (Posing) Like, let's just say - I'm going Hollywood! You got yerself some competition now!

 **Fifi:** (To the camera) Well, zat eez showbeez.

_She looks at her own bosom questioningly._

 

**Act Four**

_We cut to the exterior of the boy’s trailer._ **Plucky** _is dressed up in his_ **Batduck** _costume and_ **Hamton** _as_ **Decoy** _. The duck is gazing into a hand mirror, trying to get in character._

**Plucky:** (Gruffly) I’m Batduck… (Normal voice) Nah, that’s not it. (Clears throat, throatily) I am Batduck. (Clears throat, huskily) I am a duck who dresses like a bat. (Beat, to **Hamton** ) I ain’t feelin’ it.

 **Hamton:** (Grumbling) I’m feelin’ a breeze. (To **Plucky** ) I feel kinda naked wearing this. I mean, I’m standin’ around in green underwear!

 **Plucky:** (Snorts) That’s nothin’. I don’t wear any pants!

 **Hamton:** (Beat) Plucky…what happens to yer eyes when you dress up like Batman?

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled) Why’d you ask?

 **Hamton:** (Venturing) It’s just that…yer pupils disappear.

_The_ **Fat Nerd** _, who has an icepack on his head, waddles over to them._

**Fat Nerd:** (Indifferently, to **Hamton** ) I wouldn’t question the logic of Bob Kane and Bill Finger if I were you.

_Before the pig can say anything else, the_ **Fat Nerd** _points at his costume in frustration._

**Fat Nerd:** (Angrily) What is this?! WHAT IS THIS?!

 **Hamton:** (Timidly) Uh… my Robin/Decoy costume?

 **Fat Nerd:** (Seething) I made it abundantly clear that, during the events of this motion picture, Tim Drake is Robin. Dick Grayson has left to take on a new identity known as Nightwing. (Bellows) I WILL HAVE THE COSTUME DEPARTMENT SACKED FOR THIS!!

**Michael** _rushes up, sipping some coffee._

**Michael:** What’s this I hear about the costume department?

 **Fat Nerd:** (Pointing at **Hamton** ) They made a costume for the wrong Robin!

 **Michael:** (Indifferently) And your point is?

 **Fat Nerd:** (Wails) This completely throws the Batman continuity off course! You may as well have Spiderman be a member of the X-Men!

 **Plucky:** (Shocked) You mean he’s not?

 **Fat Nerd:** I remember the envy of my brethren when I was hired to be the creative consultant to this movie. I knew everything there was to know about the Dark Knight, only for the costume agency to make Grayson’s alter-ego attire over Drake’s! (Sobbing) My integrity is soiled. SOILED, I SAY!

 **Michael:** (Annoyed) No wonder you were bullied in school. (Sighs) Alright, I’ll go talk to the costume department. I have to go there anyway, seein’ as the Loon’s whining about her Hawkgirl…

 **Fat Nerd:** (Sobs) HAWKLOON!

 **Michael:** …Costume.

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled) What’s up with Shirl?

 **Fat Nerd:** (Matter-of-factly) She’s disgruntled about her costume not fitting her size. (Bitterly) Knowing what they’ve done to Robin, I doubt the first attire was accurate to Hawkgirl at all anyway. (Musing) Although if we just alter HER costume, it’ll make the both of yours and Scentanna’s stick out like…

 **Plucky:** (Snarky) You in yer yearbook photo?

 **Fat Nerd:** …I was going to say the Filmation adaptation of Star Trek. (Deciding) The three of you shall have to have these…raunchy design overhauls as well.

 **Hamton:** (Nervously) Wh-What does that mean?

 

**Act Five**

_We cut to four figures covered in latex rubber and standing in a row. They are_ **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _._ **Hello** _walks past with a trowel._

**Hello:** (Muttering) Who does that inhaler-toting, cheese puff guzzling dork think he is? Do I look like some kinda costume fairy?

_The four toons are completely wrapped up like mummies. When they speak, their voices are muffled. Like_ **Uncle Stinky’s** _grunting translations, we see the translations of their stifled voices at the bottom of the screen. In this script, they’re represented by brackets._

**Fifi:** (Shirley, zis eez all your fault!)

 **Shirley:** (MY fault? Like, how is it my fault?)

 **Fifi:** (Parce que vous were complaining about ‘ow your costume did not fit et now we are all stuck dans zese things!)

 **Shirley:** (Like, why the heck are you so totally peeved? Because ‘o’ me, you’re gonna look mondo bodacious as well!)

 **Plucky:** (If these mummy pyjamas are for you two, then how come me an’ Hammy hafta wear ‘em?)

 **Shirley:** (Well, ya see, darlin’, my persuasion encouraged the writers ta make this parody hotter an’ mondo sexier than before, so you guys are gonna be hunks!)

 **Fifi:** (Well, one of vous, anyway.)

 **Hamton:** (In some ways, this reminds me of the time that Banshee turned me into stone.)

 **Plucky:** (Heh! Once we get outta these things, the girls’ll make ya rock hard!)

_Because they’re all wrapped up, they can’t move at all._ **Fifi** _rocks and then bumps into_ **Shirley** _, who bumps into_ **Hamton** _who bumps into_ **Plucky** _and knocks him over._

**Plucky:** (OOF! Hey!)

 **Cypress:** (Offscreen) C’mon, guys. Play nice.

_She walks in from the left hand side and picks_ **Plucky** _up._

**Shirley:** (Like, wow, Cypress! I kinda forgot about you, or some junk!)

 **Fifi:** (Ah, Mademoiselle Cypress! Get us out of zese things, s’il vous plait!)

 **Cypress:** (Puzzled) Excuse me?

 **Hamton:** (Read the subtitles!)

 **Cypress:** (Puzzled) Subtitles?

_She looks down to see the line of text at the bottom of the screen._

**Cypress:** (Realising) Oh! Those subtitles. (To the group) Sorry, guys. I can’t do that.

 **Fifi:** (Pourquoi??)

 **Cypress:** (Sheepishly) This latex rubber was put on you four so that we could make superhero costumes based on your natural body structures. (Sternly) And I don’t want trees being destroyed in vain.

 **Hamton:** (With all due respect, Cypress, how d’you know all this?)

 **Cypress:** (Chirpily) Well… while you guys were unconscious after we got blasted outta the sewer Mr. Wharf…

_We hear the sound of an explosion in the background._

**Cypress:** …Told me ta leave because they were shootin’ a movie, an’ then he saw my clothes an’ hired me ta make some just like ‘em!

_Suddenly, there is a deafening explosion._

**Plucky:** (WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?!)

_Before_ **Cypress** _can reply, the_ **Batmobile** _suddenly pulls up, mowing down several stagehands and equipment. The door opens to reveal_ **Batman** _, looking disgruntled._

**Batman:** (Annoyed) What the heck is going on here? I’m in the middle of fighting crime!

**Michael** _sidles up._

**Michael:** (Sighs, to **Batman** ) Listen, Mr. Barry Allen, is it?

 **Fat Nerd:** (To **Michael** ) Barry Allen is the second incarnation of the Flash, you fool. (Gesturing to **Batman** ) That is Bruce Wayne.

 **Batman:** (Tense) What? No, I’m Batman. The Dark Knight.

 **Fat Nerd:** (Condescendingly) I know who you are. But you’re really Bruce Wayne.

 **Batman:** (Tense) No, I’m not.

 **Fat Nerd:** (Laughs) Who are you, then? Peter Parker? I’m genuinely surprised none of your enemies have discovered who you really are, or that your Batcave is under Wayne Manor.

_The_ **Joker** _abruptly pops out of a manhole._

**Joker:** (To **Fat Nerd** ) Gee, thanks, Fatboy!

_He pops back down the manhole._

**Batman:** (Growls, to **Fat Nerd** ) I’ll get you for this!

_He slams the door shut and roars offscreen._

**Michael:** (Calling after him) Stay away from the set from now on! We can’t afford any more interruptions.

 **Cypress:** (Surprised) Wow. So that’s who Batman really is. I’ll have to make notes. (To **Plucky** ) He’s gonna be a tough act ta follow!

 **Plucky:** (Does he look like Michael Keaton?)

**Cypress** _strokes the bottom of her bill._

**Cypress:** (Shrugs) I dunno. He was wearing a mask. (Cheerfully) But I’m sure you guys will look amazing once we get this latex off ya an’ get your costumes ready.

 **Fifi:** (‘Ow long will zat take??)

 **Cypress:** (Shrugs) I wouldn’t say it’d take that long.

 

**Act Six**

**Three Hours Later…**

**Shirley** _struts outside her trailer, wearing her skimpy, birdlike_ **Hawkloon** _attire. She makes several poses to unseen photographers, and cameras flash all around her._

**Fifi** _, wearing her equally skimpy_ **Scentanna** _attire, looks at her thighs and tail, occasionally peeking at_ **Shirley** _when she’s not looking as if comparing her own size to her friend’s. Her body is much more sexual than before._

**Shirley** _turns to face her, lowering her tinted visor to reveal her sultry eyes._

**Shirley:** (Smugly) Like, I totally had NO idea what I’ve been missing! Our new and mondo hot costumes will make this parody the greatest superhero project of all time, or some junk!

 **Fifi:** (Reluctantly) Well… ah must admit zat…zis does not feel as bad as ah thought eet would be. (Happily) Eet feels, how-you-say, invinegar-ating! (Shivers) Although ah do feel trés cold.

 **Shirley:** (Laughs) Like, you feel cold, Feef, but all those sad losers that still live with their parents are gonna be totally hot! Y’know, like, maybe I should be the one askin’ ta be the WB President.

 **Fifi:** (With a raised eyebrow) Excusez moi?

 **Shirley:** (Casually) I mean, like, this super sexy superhero makeover was all my idea, an’ it’s gonna be a hit. No offense, but yer plans have all been failures. I mean, workin’ in a circus? Really?

 **Fifi:** (Testily) Nobody said zat ze road to success wasn’t, how-you-say, bumpy! Vous do not know if zis plan will work!

 **Shirley:** (Rolls her eyes) Like, Feef. My gaudy makeover gave me horse sense, or some junk. Now I know what makes money in the entertainment industry: Shallow, hammered-in fanservice!

 **Fifi:** (Thinking) Ah liked vous better when vous ‘ad no bosom.

 **Cypress:** (Sternly, offscreen) Plucky, hold still! Otherwise we’re gonna have ta put you back in the latex rubber!

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen, giggles) It tickles!

 **Small J:** (Offscreen) Okay, Hamton, you’re all set. You can go join the girls!

 **Shirley:** (To **Fifi** ) I hope Hammy ain’t too disappointed by how he appears compared ta us, or some junk.

**Fifi** _rolls her eyes at this comment and they watch with interest as the boy’s trailer opens up._

_A figure emerges from the doorway, closing it behind him. He has a large six-pack and his arms have muscles the size of medicine balls. Unfortunately, his legs are much smaller in comparison. This is_ **Hamton** _in his_ **Decoy** _costume._ **Shirley’s** _jaw hits the floor, while_ **Fifi’s** _tail suddenly gets visibly rigid._

**Fifi:** (Dreamily) Ooh, la, la!

 **Hamton:** (Cheerfully) Hello, Feef, Shirl!

 **Shirley:** (Impressed) Like, wow! D-Did they inject ya with anything??

 **Hamton:** (Shrugs) Nope. I’ve always had this body. Well, I tell a lie, I’ve always had this body since I started workin’ out with Arnold. (Sighs) I shouldn’t have skipped leg day.

 **Fifi:** (Drooling) Sssssso… big…et strong…

_To_ **Shirley’s** _surprise, she suddenly pounces on_ **Hamton** _, rubbing his chest._

**Fifi:** (Frenzied) Ah want eet. AH WANT EET!!

 **Hamton:** (Embarrassed) Fifi, not here! Later…

 **Shirley:** (Folding her arms) Like, case in point, or some junk. (Sensually) Now, I totally can’t wait for my beefy bridegroom!

_The trailer door opens once more and_ **Plucky** _strides out looking…no different than before. His_ **Batduck** _costume looks both skin-tight and baggy at the same time. He begins to flex, showing no muscles at all._

**Plucky:** (Swaggering) Take a good look, Shirley. You’re marryin’ this gorgeous hunk of duck!

**Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _burst out laughing. The loon, on the other hand, looks dumbfounded._

**Shirley:** (Outraged) Like, what the heck is this?? This ain’t hot an’ sexy!

 **Plucky:** (Indignant) It is, too! Look!

_The camera zooms in on his chest and a magnifying glass appears. We get a view of his nipples, which look noticeably stiff._

**Shirley:** (Flatly) Pl-ucky - Yer a duck - you don't have nipples.

 **Plucky:** Shirley, honey? (Whispers to her) Don't be a hypocrite. Ya can't say that - what do ya call those? Duckbumps?

 **Shirley:** (Laughs) Like, mondo ironic! I throw away my money ta get this super sexy new bod, an’ yer just a scrawny little squab even with this new look! (Hurriedly, regarding **Fifi** ) But, like, that TOTALLY doesn’t matter.

 **Small J:** (Offscreen) What do you want me to do with this ruby, Plucky?

 **Cypress:** (Offscreen) I’d put in a museum or, even better, back where I found it!

 **Shirley:** (Surprised, to **Plucky** ) Like, you still have the gem for my engagement ring?

 **Plucky:** Yeah, duh! We’re gettin’ married, aren’t we?

 **Shirley:** (Loudly) Like, TOTALLY! We’re the perfect couple, or some junk!

**Fifi** _folds her arms and rolls her eyes as_ **Shirley** _throws out her arms and embraces_ **Plucky** _. As she does so, there’s a creaking noise and she winces._

**Shirley:** (Groans) Like, I just gave myself a wedgie…

 

**Act Seven**

_We cut to the film set._ **Michael** _sits on his studio camp chair and holds up a megaphone._

**Michael:** (Rallying) Okay, folks, our new writer has edited the script; now let’s get this parody over with! (Quickly) Okay, The Return of Batduck, Scene 1, Take 1 and…ACTION!!

_Everything goes dark and dramatic music begins to play. Then, the camera cuts to a rooftop overlooking the city. A_ **Narrator** _, who sounds like_ **William Woodson** _, begins to speak._

**Narrator:** Gotham City… a metropolis? Or a hive of crime? Judging by the fact that people get kidnapped, murdered, robbed and what have you, I’d say it’s a hive of crime. Thankfully, there’s one man…I mean, duck, who is there to protect the innocent, defeat the villains and make a profit on merchandise…

**Plucky** _(or_ **Batduck** _as he’ll be referred to in the film) leaps out of the all-concealing shadows, somersaults through the air and lands flat on his face._

**Narrator:** …BATDUCK!!

_There is a fiery explosion behind him that makes him jump._

**Narrator:** But not even the Duck Knight can protect Gotham alone. That’s where his porcine protégé comes in: the Pig Hostage himself…

**Decoy** _scrambles up the side of the building and hurries to join_ **Batduck** _. He makes huge imprints on the roof due to the weight of his muscles._

**Narrator:** DECOY!!

 **Batduck:** (To **Decoy** ) I see you’ve decided to join me, young sidekick. Prepare yourself for a battle for justice and all that is profitable!

 **Decoy:** Holy Guacamole, Plu… I mean, Batduck! You’re on fire!

 **Batduck:** (Proudly) Why, thank you! It’s all thanks to my Batduck Tonic! And it’s on sale, now!

_He pulls out a bottle with the_ **Batman™** _symbol scribbled onto a sticky label._

**Batduck:** (To the camera) If you drink this each and every day, you can become awesome like me!

_He takes a swig and forces himself to swallow._

**Decoy:** (Shocked) No, really, your cape’s on fire!

 **Batduck:** (Puzzled) Wha-??

_He looks behind himself and sees his smouldering behind. He begins running around in panic._

**Batduck:** (Screaming) HELP! HELP! GET SOME WATER! GET SOME WATER!!

 **Decoy:** Just stop, drop and roll!

 **Michael:** (Offscreen) CUT!

_We cut to a clapboard that reads_ **“The Return of Batduck, Scene 2, Take 1”** _. A_ **Stagehand** _claps it down. As it’s pulled offscreen, we see_ **Batduck** _and_ **Decoy** _stood on the same rooftop._ **Batduck** _has a huge ice block strapped to his behind._

**Narrator:** But this time, it will take more than the Dynamic Duo to thwart this sinister force. Introducing the smelly sorceress, the Mystic Maiden of Musk…

**Scentanna** _twirls into the shot like a pole dancer and the camera zooms into her cleavage. She indignantly pushes it back._

**Narrator:** SCENTANNA!!

 **Batduck:** (Flirtatiously) Why, Scentanna, I must say you’re looking frisky this evening.

**Scentanna** _glares and presses a button located near her tail. A lightning beam flies out of it, and hits_ **Decoy** _, turning him to stone._ **Scentanna** _hurries to his side._

**Scentanna:** (Shocked) Sacré bleu! Je suis desolé, Ham- ah mean, Decoy! Ah was aiming pour Batduck!

 **Michael:** (Offscreen) CUT!!

_After a scene transition, the clapboard now reads_ **“The Return of Batduck, Scene 2, Take 2”** _. As the scene begins,_ **Decoy** _is back to normal._

**Narrator:** And also introducing: the Mallard Marvel, the Bird of Prey who has a better bosom than Scentanna…

**Scentanna** _pouts in annoyance. Suddenly, they all do a double-take as_ **Hawkloon** _soars overhead, making a roaring sound like a jet plane._

**Narrator:** HAWKLOON!!

 **Hawkloon:** (To the camera) Like, make sure ya get some good shots, or some junk!

_She spins and whirls through the air, deliberately showing off her figure by flying closer to the camera. In fact, she’s so confident in her flying that she crashes into the side of a building, punching a hole in the wall._ **Batduck** _,_ **Decoy** _and_ **Scentanna** _cringe._

**Michael:** (Offscreen) CUT!!

_The camera cuts to the inside of the building_ **Hawkloon** _smashed into. She’s lying dazedly in a hotel room amidst bricks and rubble._ **Barbara Gordon** _is in bed with_ **Aquaman** _._

**Barbara:** (To **Hawkloon** , awkwardly) Please don’t tell Dick.

 

**Act Eight**

_The camera cuts to the headquarters of_ **Wayne Enterprises** _._ **Batduck** _,_ **Decoy** _,_ **Scentanna** _and_ **Hawkloon** _are sitting at a table having a meeting._

**Narrator:** All is not well in Gotham City and Batduck has summoned Hawkloon and Scentanna. He believes that the combined forces of good can save the day!

 **Batduck:** (To the group) Okay, Supertoons. You’re probably wondering why I’ve summoned you all here.

 **Scentanna:** Pourquoi, Monsieur Batdick, ah mean, Batduck?

 **Batduck:** Well, I dunno, either. (Breaking character) What’s my motivation?

_There is a splintering crash followed by a thump. The camera pans over to_ **Decoy** _. His chair has broken under his weight and he’s sitting on the floor._

**Batduck:** (Frustrated) Decoy, will ya stop doin’ that?! I ain’t made of money, y’know!

 **Decoy:** (Sheepishly) Holy Cannoli, Batduck! I can’t help it. Muscle weighs more than fat!

 **Scentanna:** (Flirtatiously) At least eet eez more, how-you-say, sexy.

 **Michael:** (Offscreen) That’s not in the script!

 **Hawkloon:** (Sultry) Like, that ain’t sexy! This is!

_She gets onto the table and lies on it as if she’s posing for a painting._

**Scentanna:** (Annoyed, to **Hawkloon** ) Get down from zere. Mademoiselle Hawkloon. Eet eez embarrassing.

 **Hawkloon:** (Smugly) Like, can I help it if I’m mondo more hot than you?

 **Batduck:** (Drooling) I’m marrying that…

 _Abruptly, there’s a deafening explosion, and a dust cloud obscures the camera. When it clears, we can see a hole has been punched in the glass window and the table has been blown over._ **Batduck** _and_ **Hawkloon** _lie flat on their faces, whilst_ **Scentanna** _shields herself with her tail and_ **Decoy** _had just puffed out his chest. The Pig Hostage opens his eyes and does a double take in horror._

 **Decoy:** HOLY CHAZERI, BATDUCK!!

**Batduck** _looks up to see_ **Monty** _as_ **Wex Wuthor** _sat in a hovercraft chair floating outside the window._

**Fat Nerd:** (Offscreen) What’s this?! WHAT IS THIS?! The villain of this parody is supposed to be the Jackster!

**Wex** _ignores the_ **Fat Nerd** _, grinning smugly at the four_ **Supertoons** _._

**Wex:** (Smugly) So, we meet again, Supertoons!

 **Decoy:** (Timidly, to **Wex** ) Uh, excuse me, but I don’t think we’ve met in the first place.

 **Wex:** (Snappily) I know that! I’m just usin’ villain phrases so I can be a better actor!

 **Scentanna:** (Suspiciously) Pourquoi? Elaborate, tout suite!

 **Wex:** I thought you’d never ask! (Pragmatically) The four ‘o’ you are starrin’ in this glitzy Batman parody so that you can make a movie instead of a spinoff! I’m gonna prove that I’m a better method actor than ya!

 **Hawkloon:** (Sniffs) Like, yeah, right. Because ‘o’ me, the four… (Pauses, regarding **Batduck** ) Three of us got these radically hot makeovers!

 **Wex:** (Scoffs) That’s nothin’! I shaved my head!

 **Batduck:** (Wary) Besides, how do you know of our plan to make a spinoff, you vile fiend?

 **Wex:** (Defiantly) I’ll never reveal my true identity! (Beat) I hafta admit, yer improv is pretty good.

_He presses a button on the armrest of his chair and a TV screen appears from behind the hovercraft. An image appears of_ **Elmyra** _tied up and dangling over a vat of green liquid._

**Wex:** (Threateningly) Now, here’s the deal. You losers drop outta this project…or this innocent civilian whom I’ve never met gets dropped into this vat of paint remover!

 **Elmyra:** (Whining, from the TV screen) Monty? I’m starting to chafey-wafey!

 **Wex:** (Frustrated, to **Elmyra** ) I’m NOT Monty while I’m filming! (To **Batduck** ) Now, what’s your decision, Dork Knight?

**Batduck** _looks at_ **Decoy** _,_ **Hawkloon** _and_ **Scentanna** _, who return determined expressions. Then, he looks at_ **Wex** _._

**Batduck:** (To **Wex** ) Never!

**Wex** _presses another button. On the TV screen,_ **Elmyra** _falls into the vat. We hear a splash and a sizzling noise._

**Wex:** (Surprised, to **Batduck** ) Wow. You let an innocent civilian perish just ta preserve yer career. That’s kinda dark an’ unheroic of ya.

 **Batduck:** (Shrugs) It was only Elmyra.

 **Hawkloon:** (Agreeing) Like, yeah. No biggie, or some junk.

 **Wex:** (Musing) I suppose yer right, there. (Nastily) I’ll just hafta use better leverage!

_He pulls a lever on the other armrest and a claw emerges from the bottom of the hovercraft. It reaches into the room and seizes_ **Decoy** _._

**Wex:** (Mockingly) I’m takin’ yer sidekick for a ride, Batdork!

_To his surprise,_ **Decoy** _prises the vice-like claw open and snaps it off._

**Decoy:** (Surprised) Wow! My hidden muscles really came in handy that time!

 **Scentanna:** (Dreamily, to **Decoy** ) Mon dieu! So… how-you-say, buff.

_Before anything else can happen, the_ **Fat Nerd** _storms onto the set._

**Fat Nerd:** (Frustrated) No, No, NO!! What in the name of Stan Lee is going on, here?! NONE OF THIS IS IN THE SCRIPT! (To **Wex** ) I don’t know who you are, but you’re NOT supposed to be in this parody! (Haughtily) And you’re parodying Lex Luthor, who is Superman’s antagonist!

 **Wex:** (Beat, to the quartet) Do you guys care about this loser?

 **Batduck:** Nugatory.

 **Decoy:** (Frankly) Nope.

 **Scentanna:** (Indifferently) Pas du tout.

 **Hawkloon:** (Indignantly) Like, for sure! I mean, he may be creepy, but he gave us these mondo sexy bods!

 **Wex:** (Shrugs, to **Hawkloon** ) Sorry, birdbrain. It’s three ta one.

**Small J** _walks up._

**Small J:** (To **Wex** ) Excuse me, Mr…Stranger, but we’re kinda shootin’ a movie. You’ll have ta go.

 **Batduck:** Stay outta this, Small J.

 **Wex:** (To **Small J** ) You’ll do.

_He pulls a lever on the other armrest and a smaller claw emerges from the bottom of the hovercraft. It reaches into the room and seizes_ **Small J** _._

**Small J:** (Horrified) What the?! Whoa!

_He gets pulled out of the room and onto the hovercraft with_ **Wex** _._

**Wex:** (Menacingly) It’s your choice, Supertoons! Relinquish yer roles or the kitten gets it!

_With that, the hovercraft flies away._

**Batduck:** (To the others) C’mon, Supertoons! We got a fan ta save! (To **Decoy** ) Fire up the Batduckmobile!

 **Scentanna:** (Determined) Oui, oui, mes amis! We must rescue ze petit chat, no matter what!

 **Hawkloon:** (Hurriedly) Like, so long as we get a close up of my butt, or some junk!

_The four_ **Supertoons** _rush offscreen. The_ **Fat Nerd** _stares after them in shock._

**Fat Nerd:** (To **Michael** ) Cancel! Cancel this parody! It’s ruined!

 **Michael:** (Dumbfounded) Ruined?! No way! This is exactly how it was written in the new script, shoehorned raunchiness an’ all! (To the crew) C’mon! We gotta shoot this sequence, it’s gonna be awesome!

_The entire film crew picks up their equipment and rushes offscreen. After a beat,_ **Batman** _enters the room. He regards the wreckage._

**Batman:** (Frustrated) For crying out loud!!

 

**Act Nine**

_We cut to_ **Wayne Manor** _(which is being ravaged by the_ **Joker** _). The Batmobile bursts out of the Batcave beneath the estate. The camera cuts to its interior._ **Batduck** _,_ **Decoy** _,_ **Scentanna** _and_ **Hawkloon** _are cramped inside it._

**Decoy:** Uh, B-Batduck? This isn’t the Batduckmobile.

 **Batduck:** What makes you say that, Pig Hostage?

 **Decoy:** Well…it’s not shaped like a duck’s face, an’ it’s generally better.

 **Scentanna:** (Grunts) Although eet was not built pour ze quatre of us!

 **Hawkloon:** (Teasingly) Like, remember where you are, Scentanna. Try not ta make a stink.

 **Scentanna:** (Snaps, at **Hawkloon** ) Oh, fermez la bouche! Vous do not ‘ave to ride avec us, vous know!

 **Hawkloon:** (To the camera) Like, how true! I can totally fly! (To **Batduck** ) Like, open this jalopy up so that I can take to the skies!

 **Batduck:** (Nervously) Uhh… Right!

_He presses a button and the Vulcan guns begin firing, peppering holes into the walls and windows of buildings in the city streets. As they zoom past a grocery store, it makes holes in a cheese wheel. The cheese begins to yodel._

**Decoy:** (Worried) That’s not it, Batduck! Maybe I should…

 **Batduck:** (Abruptly) NO! I’m the main star, I press the buttons!

_He presses another button and sets off the smoke screen device. It completely covers the Batmobile, shrouding it from view._

**Batduck:** (Frustrated) Darn it! I can’t see!

 **Scentanna:** (Hotly) Well, whose fault eez zat?!

_The Batmobile begins to careen through the streets out of control. It smashes parked cars, sending them flying, and knocks down lampposts._

_It ploughs through a hotel where_ **Barbara Gordon** _is in bed with the_ **Flash** _and back out onto the road._

**Batduck:** (Panicking) Okay, it’s DEFINITELY this one!

_He presses another button and the closed circuit TV switches on._

**Batduck:** (Pleasantly surprised) Hey! The McKimsons are on!

 **Hawkloon:** (Irritated) Like, cheese an’ crackers! I’ll do it!

_Shoving_ **Batduck** _out of the way, she jams her finger on a button. This time, it sets off the electromagnetic ejector seat._ **Decoy** _is catapulted out of the vehicle._

**Decoy:** WHOOOOOOOOOOAAAA!!

 **Hawkloon:** (Angrily) Like, Decoy, I’m supposed ta fly, not you!

 **Scentanna:** (Frantically) Stop whining et ‘elp ‘im!

 **Hawkloon:** Right! (Heroically) Like, fear not, Decoy! I’ll save you, or some junk!

_She spreads her wings, pressing_ **Batduck** _and_ **Scentanna** _against the glass, and rockets out. The camera cuts to_ **Decoy** _sailing into the air, flailing his arms in panic._

**Decoy:** (To the camera) Wait a minute! I have weapons! I can save myself!

_Fishing in his pockets, he pulls out the grappling gun. Taking careful aim, he fires it at a skyscraper. The grappling hook latches to the gutter. Grabbing hold of the rope, the pig begins to swing to safety…only for the rope to snap under the weight of his muscular body._ **Decoy** _looks at the camera for a beat before plummeting._

**Decoy:** (Screaming) HEEEEEEEEEEEELLLP!!!

_As he falls,_ **Hawkloon** _swoops down underneath him and catches him just as he’s about to hit the asphalt._

**Decoy:** (Gratefully) H-Hawkloon! You saved me!

**Hawkloon** _is struggling to stay upright from holding him up._

**Hawkloon:** (Groaning) Like, I’m gettin’ mondo sweaty! (To the camera) If I get any hotter, I might hafta take this suit off!

 **Batduck:** (Offscreen) LOOK OUT!!

**Hawkloon** _and_ **Decoy** _look ahead, and shriek in horror as the Batmobile runs into them. There is an ear-splitting crash and a dust cloud covers the screen. When it clears, the four Supertoons lie on the road, the Batmobile an unrecognisable wreck._

**Scentanna:** (Groggily) Eez everyone, how-you-say, super-duper?

 **Hawkloon:** I can’t feel my legs, or some junk…

 **Decoy:** We shoulda invested in stunt doubles…

 **Batduck:** (Getting to his feet) C’mon, fellow Supertoons! We can’t let that bald-headed blaggard get away with Small J!

 **???:** (Offscreen) Too right, dude! That’s why we’re gonna help ya kick his saggy butt!

_The camera pans over to the_ **Immature Radioactive Samurai Slugs** _. They brandish their katanas._

**Narrator:** Count off!

 **???:** Picasso!

 **???:** Rockwell!

 **???:** Warhol!

 **???:** Grandma Moses!

 _As the Supertoons, except for_ **Batduck** _, look on in confusion, the theme song begins to play._

 **IRSS:** (Singing) We’re Immature Radioactive Samurai Slugs, we love to thrash criminals and dice thugs. We’re totally radical, gnarly dudes, Cowabunga homeboys with nothing to lose. Our archenemies want us iodised, but they can’t beat us ‘cos we’re merchandised!

 **Fat Nerd:** (Lividly) CUT, CUT, I SAY!!

_He stomps into view._

**Fat Nerd:** (Angrily) This is where I draw the line! I will NOT stand for the Immature Radioactive Samurai Slugs appearing in this BATMAN parody!

 **Picasso:** (Indignant, to **Fat Nerd** ) Hey, man! That’s not cool!

 **Batduck:** (Crossly) Yeah! These guys rock! I, uh, I mean, some guy I know is the president of their fan club!

 **Hawkloon:** (Grossed out) Like, I’m with Tubby on this one. Slugs are gross, or some junk.

 **Rockwell:** (Snarky, to **Hawkloon** ) Well, no offence, lady, but at least we don’t look like pieces of plastic.

_Upon hearing this,_ **Hawkloon** _flies into a tantrum. She throws her mace at the_ **Slugs** _. They try to slither away but get hit by it._

**Hawkloon:** (Lividly) Like, take that back, ya homeless snails!

 **Fat Nerd:** (Chiding) Ah, ah, ah! You’re supposed to have unbelievable endurance.

 **Hawkloon:** (Snaps, at **Fat Nerd** ) Stay outta this, ya weedy loser! (To the **Slugs** ) Like, unlike you outdated washouts, we’re gonna be big! An’ it’s all ‘cos of me!

_Before she can deal any more attacks,_ **Batduck** _stands protectively in front of the_ **Slugs** _._

**Batduck:** (Defiantly) Leave my, uhh, my friend’s heroes alone!

 **Hawkloon:** (Dangerously) Get outta the way, Batdork!

 **Batduck:** (Pacifying) That’s no way ta speak ta yer fiancée.

 **Fat Nerd:** (Knowingly) Err, wrong! Batman has had no romantic associations with Hawkgirl whatsoever.

**Batduck** _hurls a Duckarang. It hits the_ **Fat Nerd** _in the face, knocking him out. Just as it seems that the two waterfowl are about to fight, they are both zapped and turned into stone. The camera pans over to_ **Scentanna** _._

**Scentanna:** (Pleasantly surprised) Sacré bleu! Zis eez trés useful! (To **B &H**) Now, listen to moi, les deux ou vous. Ah ‘ave been wrapped up like un French pastry pour trois heures et ah am not going to ‘ave zis admittedly good makeover only pour vous to ruin everything pour us once more!

 **Decoy:** (Awkwardly) Yeah, you guys. You’ve been through this before an’ it’s gettin’ old. How do you guys expect ta live a happily married life when yer squabbling all the time?

 **Fat Nerd:** (Dazedly) Such wise words from one whom is often kidnapped.

 **Scentanna:** (To **B &H**) Ah do not know eef vous ‘ave forgotten, mais zere eez someone who needs our ‘elp. Vous can ‘ave your spat later.

 

**Act Ten**

_The camera cuts to the interior of an old warehouse._ **Wex** _sits in an armchair reading the Gotham Gazette._ **Small J** _is dangling over the vat of paint remover._

**Small J:** (Conversationally) So what’s this stuff really? It can’t be paint remover.

 **Wex:** (Nonchalantly) It can. I got it for only a few bucks on the black market.

 **Small J:** (Shocked) Th-That’s illegal!

 **Wex:** (Rolls his eyes) I’m a villain, in case you haven’t noticed.

 **Small J:** (Nervously) Y-You are acting, aren’t ya? This is only a parody after all.

 **Wex:** (Indifferently) Well… Yes and no. No, because if Batduck doesn’t drop outta this project, you’re gonna be wiped off the face of existence. Yes, because I studied Strasberg.

 **Small J:** (Horrified) What?! B-But why?!

 **Wex:** (Nonchalantly) Because if anything, I deserve my own show, not that screwy, second rate duck! Why d’you think I volunteered ta rewrite this stinker? If I’m a better actor than those four Superzeroes, I’ll get the deal!

 **Small J:** So, you’re gonna drop me into a vat of corrosive liquid so that you can get your own show?

 **Wex:** Yep. I was gonna use it ta destroy the Everglades so that I could build a golf course but now I think that using it as leverage is a better cause.

 **Small J:** (Proudly) Wait ‘til Batduck an’ the others show up! They’ll kick your butt!

 **Wex:** (Bored) No, they won’t.

 **Batduck:** (Offscreen) Yes, we will!

**Wex** _does a double-take and_ **Small J** _looks excited as we cut to_ **Batduck** _,_ **Decoy** _,_ **Scentanna** _and_ **Hawkloon** _posing heroically at the warehouse’s entrance._ **Hawkloon** _briefly flashes the camera._

**Wex:** (Uninterested) Okay, let’s get this over with.

_He pulls a chain and a huge bomb lands in_ **Batduck’s** _arms. The Supertoons begin to panic._

**Batduck:** (Horrified) AGH!! I’ve got a bomb!! What do I do?!

 **Decoy:** Get rid of it, Batduck! Dispose of it…

**Batduck** _throws it into the air and_ **Small J** _catches it._

**Decoy:** (Deadpan) …Safely.

 **Small J:** (Panicking) I don’t want this!!

_He throws it away and_ **Wex** _catches it._

**Wex:** Return to sender!

_He throws it back at_ **Batduck** _._

**Batduck:** Uh… Uh… (To **Hawkloon** ) Here, doll-face. A wedding present!

_He passes it to her._

**Hawkloon:** (Happily) Like, thanks, Batduck! I could use somethin’ like this!

_She sets the bomb on the floor and sits on it, posing seductively. As she does so, cameras begin to flash._ **Scentanna** _snatches it away and she lands on her back._

**Scentanna:** (Angrily) Zis eez not ‘elping! We ‘ave to save ze chat! (Beat) Et deal avec zis bomb. (Panicking) Ah ‘am ‘olding un bomb!

_She throws it into the air._ **Decoy** _catches it._

**Decoy:** (Nervously) It’s okay! I’ll just put the fuse out!

_He licks his fingers and presses the fuse. With a hiss of steam, it goes out. Then, it reignites. Frantically,_ **Decoy** _tries again. The same thing happens._

**Small J:** (Screams) Somebody help me!

 **Batduck:** (Heroically) I will!

_He whips out another Duckarang and throws it. It sails through the air and slices through the rope._ **Small J** _looks down at the vat below, and then at the camera. He begins to fall._

**Batduck:** Whoops. (Urgently) Scentanna!

 **Scentanna:** (Determinedly) Oui, oui!

_She wraps her tail around the duck, spins him around and launches him into the air. Just as_ **Small J** _is about to fall into the deadly paint remover,_ **Batduck** _catches him and flies out of harm’s way._

**Small J:** (Awed) Wow, Batduck…uh… Plucky. You saved my life!

 **Batduck:** (Smirks) It’s in the job description. (Urgently) But we’re not safe yet!

_The camera cuts to_ **Decoy** _, who is still trying to put the fuse out with different objects such as an axe, a hosepipe, some bellows and even_ **Lil’ Sneezer** _._ **Hawkloon** _hurries over._

**Hawkloon:** (Exasperated) Like, give it here, I’ll deal with it, or some junk!

_She snatches it off the pig and hurls it into the air. It lands underneath the vat of paint remover._

**Hawkloon:** (Annoyed) Like, darn! I need ta do something about my aim…

 **Wex:** (Screams) YOU FOOLS!! YOU’VE DOOMED US ALL!

 **Batduck:** (Chuckles) Stop overreacting! It’s just Hollywood acid!

 **Small J:** (Fearfully) No, it isn’t…

 **Batduck:** (To the camera) Oh, cra-

_The camera cuts to a bird’s eye view of_ **Gotham City** _. There is an ear-splitting explosion, followed by an eruption of paint remover that splashes all over the metropolis._

_All of a sudden, it completely freezes, and the camera pans out to reveal that’s it’s an image being shown on a TV screen._ **Michael** _turns the set off and the camera pans out to reveal that_ **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _are lying in hospital beds, completely covered in body casts. Standing around them are_ **Small J** _,_ **Cypress** _,_ **Hello Nurse** _and_ **Uncle Stinky** _._

_The four toons are completely wrapped up like mummies. When they speak, their voices are muffled. Similarly to when they were wrapped up in the latex rubber, their voices are translated._

**Michael:** (Sadly) Unfortunately, like the bomb that went off, my remake was a disaster and now I’m ruined. (Cheerfully) But, it sure was a ride, wasn’t it?

 **Plucky:** (We’re lucky ta be alive!)

 **Michael:** (Gulps) Well, yes, but I like actors who suffer for their work.

 **Shirley:** (Like, hold the phone. The parody can’t have been a disaster! What about our mondo sexy makeovers?)

 **Michael:** (Gulps) Well… Hisskill and Eggbert said that they were shallow attempts to make cash.

 **Shirley:** (Like, SAY WHAT?!)

 **Fifi:** (So, Shirley. Do vous still want to be try et be ze president of ze Frères Warner? After all, your new boosom ‘as given vous intelligence et vous know more about ze showbeez zan moi.)

 **Shirley:** (Like, I’m mondo sorry, Feef. I dunno what came over me, or some junk.)

 **Small J:** (Happily) Well, if there’s one consolation, at least you guys proved you were true heroes by rescuing me! You deserve your own show!

 **Plucky:** (Th…Thanks, Small J. You’re a cool kid, y’know that?)

 **Cypress:** (Teasingly) Buuut, not as cool as you, right, Plucky?

 **Uncle Stinky:** (I believe it is prudent that we discuss who is more incredible elsewhere.)

 **Hamton:** (Why’s that, Uncle Stinky? A-And how did you find us?)

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Well, dearest nephew, after you all ventured into Prank Caverns, I decided to go and have some high tea with Mr Pennyworth. We were most surprised when the five of you were blasted out of the Gotham City sewers. We were even more surprised when you were acting in a parody of Tim Burton’s Batman motion picture.)

**Alfred** _enters the hospital ward._

**Alfred:** (Formally) As fragrant as Mr Pig is, he makes a very sufficient companion. Unfortunately, he is correct in saying that you all have to leave. Mr Wayne has had a difficult day. The Joker has completely destroyed Wayne Manor, Wayne Enterprises has been vandalised and somebody stole the Batmobile, causing considerable amounts of damage. Not to mention the bomb that went off and the paint remover which has left Gotham in ruins.

 **Plucky:** (Sorry…)

 **Alfred:** (Sternly) Sorry is not going to repair the damage that has been done. I must warn you that Mr Wayne has an obsession with revenge.

 **Michael:** (Sheepishly) Well, since all that damage was caused by my movie, I feel somewhat responsible.

 **Alfred:** (Bluntly, to **Michael** ) I appreciate your confession.

_The butler punches the director in the face and storms offscreen._

**Uncle Stinky:** (To **Cypress** ) (Could you please be a dear and assist me in wheeling my young passengers into the mobile home?)

 **Cypress:** (Cheerfully) Sure thing!

 **Small J:** (Happily) Goodbye, you guys! Good luck in getting your spinoff. You deserve it more than Wex…also known as Monty!

 **PSH &F: **(MONTY?!)

 

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**CREDITS**

 

Written by: **Redtop95**

Creative Consultant: **Pepe-K**

 **Small J** and **Cypress Duck** are both owned by: **Smallj85**

 

**In Memory of**

**ADAM WEST**

**(1928 – 2017)**


	17. Family Matters

_We open up on_ **Grovely** _wearing a doctor’s getup and making some incisions with a scalpel._

 **Grovely:** (Complacently) If there’s any consolation, Master Monty, at least you may be included on those articles about actors getting critically injured on film sets.

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) Don’t rub it in, Grovely. Just don’t.

 **Grovely** _picks up a tub of Vaseline._

 **Grovely:** If I don’t rub it in, how do you expect your burns to heal?

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) We don’t have time for this, we gotta get to the studio before Green Daffy and his amazing technicolor petting zoo!

 **Grovely:** I was watching the footage and your former co-stars were also caught in the explosion that destroyed half the city. They’re most likely as much in traction as you, so I feel that there’s no need to hurry right now.

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) I guess yer right. But Warner Bros is gonna want a protagonist who is cute...or at the very least, attractive. I shaved my hair an’ now I look ugly!

 **Grovely:** (Shrugs) Well, uglier than usual. But we can rebuild you. Make you faster, stronger, smarter! In short: The Six-Million Dollar Brat!

 **Monty** : Inflation, Grovely - Inflation!

 **Grovely** _picks up a pneumatic tire inflation pump._

 **Monty** : NO! Not that way! Monetary inflation! The price of electronics has skyrocketed in the past 40 years! Try The Six Billion Dollar Brat. (Realises what he just said) ARRG!

 _He hits_ **Grovely** _with his crutches._

 

**THE PLUCKY DUCK SHOW**

**Episode 17**

**Family Matters**

 

**Act One**

_We fade into a country road. The mobile home drives past a sign that reads_ **“WISCONSIN: POP - 5.025 mil.”** _A magnifying glass appears to reveal some small text at the very bottom left corner of the sign. This reads_ **“The Home of Green Daffy’s Aunt and Uncle”** _._

 **Plucky:** (Narrating) Spinoff Log: Entry 13. After nearly dying whilst working on a movie...again...we’ve finally made it! To Wisconsin, that is. Since we gotta get to Burbank before Monty, this visit should be pretty straightforward. We’re gonna show up, they’ll ruffle my feathers an’ talk about how much I’ve grown, we’ll have cookies an’ milk an’ then we’ll hightail it outta there ta get my own show.

 _The camera cuts to the interior of the mobile home. The four toons are no longer in their casts from the previous episode. Although_ **Shirley** _looks the same,_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _seem to be back to normal...although the pig’s overalls are slightly more baggy._

 **Shirley:** (Cheerily) Like, we’re here. (To **Plucky** ) Now, we can finally tell yer folks about our great news!

_They cuddle up together._

**Plucky:** (Tenderly) Too true, Shirley-shoo. (Beat) I can finally tell my family I’m movin’ on from Tiny Toons an’ makin’ it big on my own!

 **Shirley** _glares at him. We hear a crunching noise and the green duck’s eyes water._

 **Plucky:** (Wheezes) And that we’re gettin’ hitched…

 **Shirley’s** _glare dissolves into a smile._

 **Shirley:** Y’know, darlin’...ya gotta come up with a mondo better petname than Shirley-shoo.

 **Plucky** _rolls his eyes._

 **Plucky:** (Casually) I wonder what married life is gonna be like for us.

 **Shirley:** (Excitedly) Like, y’know, we can find out, y’know. If I just fire up my crystal ball, we can see a prediction, or some junk!

 **Uncle Stinky:** (Offscreen) (I hate to interrupt the divination session, but I regret to inform you all that Wisconsin is the fork in the metaphorical road in which we must go our separate ways.)

 **Plucky:** (Confused) What?

 _The vehicle has stopped, and_ **Uncle Stinky** _walks into view._

 **Hamton:** (Nervously) Oh, uh, yeah… I forgot ta say. (Clears throat) Uncle Stinky said that he’d give us a ride to Wisconsin. We’d hafta find our own way back.

 **Shirley:** (Shocked) Like, yer kiddin’! How come?!

 **Uncle Stinky:** (The North Central region of the United States is my place of residence. If you possessed the belief that I was going to be your personal taxi driver, then you were mistaken.)

 **Shirley:** (Outraged) So, like, yer abandonin’ us?

 **Fifi:** (Pointedly) Not exactement, mes amis. Vous see, when Hamtone spoke to Oncle Stinky, ‘e just so ‘appened to be staying avec ‘is famille et was travelling ‘ome to compete dans un wallowing competition. We agreed zat ‘e did not need to take us ‘ome once we arrived. Eet would cost too much money on vapours.

 **Hamton:** (Gently correcting) Gas.

 **Cypress** **:** (Chuckles nervously) Well...walking doesn’t harm the environment, does it?

 **Shirley:** (With a raised eyebrow) Like, yeah. Walkin’ ALL the way back ta Acme Acres. (Gesturing to **Cypress** ) An’ wherever yer from.

 **Fifi:** (Sheepishly) Actually, we ‘ave to go to ze Fréres Warner Studio first…

 **Shirley** _groans with frustration._

 **Plucky:** (Comforting her) Simmer down, Shirl. (Smugly) We won’t hafta walk anyway. We’ll travel in style!

 **Hamton:** (Curiously) How?

 **Plucky** _whips out a list and unfurls it._

 **Plucky:** (Smugly) I got the plans for our wedding right here!

 **Cypress** **:** (Rolls her eyes) You’re still goin’ on about this silly engagement? (Sighs) I suppose you’ve got some glitzy, overblown and unrealistic plan, haven’t you?

 **Shirley:** (Reading from the list, mounting excitement) Like, yer gonna train doves ta drop confetti, you’ve lined the aisle with rose petals, there’ll be a twenty-one gun salute, a firework display an’ NEIL DIAMOND?!

 **Plucky:** (Cheerfully) Nothin’s too good for my sweetheart! (Pointing) An’ look at how we’re gonna get there.

 **Shirley:** IN A HOT AIR BALLOON?! (Squeals and embraces him) Like, oh, Plucky-poo, yer so thoughtful, or some junk!

 **Fifi:** (With arms folded) ‘Ow do vous plan to pay pour eet all?

_The two waterfowl regard her coldly._

**Shirley:** (Pityingly) Like, Feef, try not be jealous. Even though our wedding’ll be much better than yours.

 **Plucky:** (Indifferently) Besides, you guys are in charge of all that.

 **Hamton:** (Shocked) What??

 **Plucky:** (Patronisingly) Well, duuh! You’re gonna be my best man!

 **Shirley:** (To **Fifi** ) An’, like, my maid of honour.

 **Plucky:** An’ everyone knows that the best man is in charge of EVERYTHING. (To the camera) Includin’ my bachelor party. (Winks)

 **Shirley:** (To **Fifi** ) An’ like, we’re gonna have lots ‘o’ fun at my bachelorette party, or some junk. Yer gonna invite all the girls, except Elmoron, an’ we’re gonna hit the town, or some junk!

 **Plucky:** (Clears throat) Feef’s not goin’ to yer party, she’s goin’ ta mine.

 **Fifi:** Pourquoi?

 **Plucky:** (Matter-of-factly) Everybody knows that bachelor parties have strippers. An’ since Ham-Brain’s gonna organise it, he won’t have the guts ta talk to a hoochie-coochie gal. So, we’ll settle for you.

 **Fifi:** (Offended) Excusez-moi? Vous will SETTLE pour moi?

 **Plucky:** (Defensively) Yeah, sure. Hamton won’t mind if my friends drool over ya. Heck, he hardly does, anyway!

 **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _share a look._

 **Fifi:** (To **P &S**) Ze deux of vous watch Hammy. Ah think vous will be trés surprised.

 _The skunkette then does a spin-change whilst_ **Hamton** _whips out a strange looking jar and empties the viscous cream onto himself._ **Fifi** _emerges wearing her_ **Amazing Three** _getup. Upon seeing her, the pig does a double-take, leaps into the air...and seemingly vanishes._

 **Plucky:** (Dumbfounded) What the-?! Where’d he go??

 **Shirley:** Like, he’s still there…

 **Fifi** _is still looking at the spot where_ **Hamton** _vanished, smirking at nothing. Abruptly, a glass rises from the table, floats over to the sink to fill itself up with water and then jerks upwards, the water splashing something. Then, the pig reappears, looking dishevelled and strangely satisfied._

 **Cypress** **:** (Beat) O...kay. What was that all about? Are you guys magicians or somethin’?

 **Fifi:** (Clears her throat) Hammy was… reacting to moi.

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) I thought pigs were weird by bein’ attracted ta things that stink, but turnin’ themselves invisible? What next?

 **Hamton:** (Blushing) I don’t turn myself invisible. I...just make it so you can’t see me.

 **Cypress** **:** Uhh… that is invisibility.

 **Shirley:** (Curious, to **Hamton** ) Like, you put some weird cream on before Feef got all dolled up, or some junk. How come?

 **Fifi:** (Giggles) Hamtone gets, how-you-say, carried away avec ‘is lust. ...Perhapz we show vous why 'e moost do zat.

 _She slyly beckons the pair offscreen._ **Fifi** _walks off with a sexy bedroom eyes look._ **Plucky** _follows with a scoffing huffy face._ **Shirley** _follows with a quizzical wide-eyed expression. Lastly,_ **Hamton** _follows them, looking slightly embarrassed._ _The camera pans up the wall to a ticking cuckoo clock and stays there. We hear three zippers slowly open._

 **Fifi:** (Offscreen, seductively) Eez zees what tu wanted, Beeg Boy?

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen) Ooooh, Mama!

_We hear a zipper burst open, followed by the sounds of clothing ripping and tearing, followed by a loud BOING!_

_We watch the cuckoo clock strike 12 loudly - the miniature_ **Gogo** _popping in and out as the cuckoo bird - each time his reaction gets bigger till he explodes._

_Sounds of wolf-whistles, roosters crowing, dogs barking and wolf howling and fireworks exploding, flashes of light and bits of exploded furniture fly past the camera lens!_

**Barry White** _sticks his face in front of the camera briefly and speaks in his super deep voice._

 **Barry:** OOOOooooooh Bay-Beh!

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen) YIPPEE!

 _The climax to the_ **1812 Overture** _with the cannons is heard briefly. The sounds die away... we hear all the zippers get zipped closed._

 **Fifi** _saunters back across the screen with sly satisfied eyebrows._ **Plucky** _crosses the screen with a crestfallen look of stupification and envy, he is dragging_ **Shirley** _by her arm and looking more green than usual._

 **Shirley's** _eyes are huge, her beak stuck open with her tongue hanging out like an open window blind looking several yards long as it drags on the floor. She looks stupefied silly._

 **Shirley:** Aaaaaaaaaduuuuh duuuuuuuuuh Gahhhhhhhh!

**Plucky** _reaches behind her and pulls her tail feather, causing_ **Shirley's** _tongue to roll back up into her beak like a roller blind._ **Plucky** _closes her beak for her with a sneer of envy and disgust and tugs her offscreen._

**Plucky:** (Bitterly) Take my advice: stay invisible.

 **Hamton** _crosses the screen with a confident smirk on his face, his thumbs holding his overall straps pridefully as he whistles_ **"Anything You Can Do - I Can Do Better"**.

 

**Act Two**

_The five Toons disembark from the mobile home next to a sign that reads_ **“FARM”** _. Another sign reads_ **“This way to The Duck Residence”** _with an arrow pointing to the right._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _embrace_ **Uncle Stinky** _and wave goodbye as he drives away._ **Shirley** _takes out her crystal ball and shoves it in_ **Plucky's** _face._

 **Shirley:** (Excitedly) Like, Plucky-poo, I totally can't wait ta tell yer relatives, or some junk. Let's see how the crystal ball predicts our ceremony!

 **Plucky:** (Proudly) Yeah! Then, I can tell ‘em how much of an organiser I am!

 **Shirley:** (Chanting) Ohwhatalooniam, Ohwhatalooniam… Spirits of the crystal ball, show us how my union to Plucky Duck will play out…

 **Cypress** **:** (Giggles) Where's popcorn when you need it?

 _The camera zooms into the crystal ball as the prediction begins to play. There is an old movie style countdown and then we see a huge pink hot air balloon floating over a misty mountain. The balloon has the words_ **“JUST MARRIED”** _on it._

 **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _are standing in the basket. The green duck wears a tophat and tails whilst_ **Shirley** _wears a beautiful white bridal gown. She has a bouquet clasped in her hands._

 **Plucky:** (Cheerfully) We’re almost there, my shy and retiring bride! The guests are all waitin’ at the ashram!

 **Shirley:** (Sweetly) Mondo romantic, honey pie. (Concerned) But, like, isn't it bad luck ta see me before the ceremony?

 **Plucky:** (Scoffs) Pish posh an’ nonsense! That's just a silly superstition! (Looking down) Aha! We're overhead now! Let's make a stylish entrance, my dear!

_He looks up at all the levers and chains connected to the burner above them._

**Plucky:** (Musing) Now...which one ‘o’ these doohickeys makes us go down? (Beat) Here it is!

 _We pan up to a chain with a sign next to it that reads_ **”Do NOT pull whilst airborne”** _._

 **Shirley:** (Horrified) Like, NO, PLUCKY!!

 _It's too late._ **Plucky** _yanks the chain down and the hot air balloon begins whizzing around, completely out of control. The air begins to leak from it._

 **P &S: **(Screaming) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!

 _We pan down to the ground._ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _wait outside the ashram. The pig wears a smart tuxedo with an oversized flower in the lapel, whilst the skunkette wears a pink and red dress and holds a flimsy bouquet._

 **Fifi:** Plucky et Shirley should be arriving dans un flea.

 **Hamton:** (Correcting) Tick. (Worriedly) D’ya think they’ll be mad about what's happened with the arrangements?

 **Fifi:** (Shrugs) Eet eez out of our control, mon cher. (Looking up) Ah, ‘ere zey come. (To **Hamton** ) Tu ‘ad better get out of ze way.

 **Hamton:** (Inquisitively) H-How come?

_He turns and looks up at the sky. He does a double take and flees offscreen. Seconds later, the deflated balloon crashes onto the site. Five seconds later, the two waterfowl emerge from under it._

**Shirley:** (Testily) Like, nice goin’, ducktoad! That was our ride to an’ from the ceremony!

 **Plucky:** (Defensively) I’m only hu- a duck, Shirl!

 **Fifi:** (Amused) Sacré bleu! Squabbling when vous are not yet wed!

_The loon takes a deep breath._

**Shirley:** (Calmly) Like, yeah. This is our wedding, Plucky-poo. We can't let this ruin it.

 **Plucky:** (Cheerily) Yeah. Let's go exchange our vows an’ live happily ever after!

 **Hamton:** (Reluctantly) Uhh...there's something we gotta tell ya about the venue…

 **Plucky:** (To **Hamton** , briskly) Best man, blow the balloon up while we tie the knot.

 _He,_ **Shirley** _and_ **Fifi** _turn to begin the event when the loon stops her friend._

 **Shirley:** (Spitefully) I think, like, that the maid of honour oughta help him. (Out of the corner of her mouth, to **Plucky** ) We don't want her gettin’ any ideas ta top our big day, or some junk.

 _She shoves_ **Fifi** _towards_ **Hamton** _, who has taken out a bicycle pump and is trying to figure out where to plug the hose._

_Arm in arm, the waterfowl begin to stride towards the altar...only to find that it's completely empty._

**Plucky:** (Dumbfounded) What the?! Where is everybody?!

 _The_ **Brain** _walks up with a bored expression on his face._

 **Brain:** (Business-like) Welcome to the shrine of the Mous-arishi. Hand over your sandle-root and listen to some convoluted words on how to live your miserable life.

 **Shirley:** (Baffled) Like, what is goin’ on here? My fiancé an’ I are supposed ta be havin’ our mondo romantic wedding here!

 **Brain:** (Dispassionately) If you must know, my associate and I are planning world domination by means of duping people into giving us sandle-root in exchange for some asinine advice from someone in his underwear.

 **Plucky:** (Angrily) Well, do it somewhere else! This is our wedding day! And that plan is so 1967!

 **Brain:** (Scoffs) You fools. What idiot holds such a ceremony in the middle of nowhere? Besides conquest trumps matrimony. So, either give me your sandle-root or leave.

 **Shirley:** (Sighs) Like, c’mon, Plucky-poo…

_They turn and leave._

**Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) Y’know, he’s only a mouse. I coulda stepped on him!

 _He looks at the camera as if he's had an epiphany, and sprints back to the_ **Brain** _, raising a webbed foot and bringing it down upon the rodent. There's a sickening CRUNCH as he does so._

 **Plucky:** (In pain) YEOW!!

 _As he hops around on one foot, the_ **Brain** _reveals a red Lego block on his head._

 **Brain:** (Smugly) You honestly believe that you are the only one who has tried that example of cartoon barbarism? You're as foolish as you are obsolete.

 _The camera fades to the ashram’s exterior._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _are trying (and failing) to blow up the balloon with a helium tank._ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _storm out._

 **Hamton:** (Cheerfully) Here come the happy couple!

 **Shirley:** (Acridly) Like, let's get outta here. NOW, OR SOME JUNK!

 **Fifi:** (Nervously) Zere eez un problem avec your transportation, mon ami. Eet eez, how-you-say, ka-pow.

 **Hamton:** (Correcting) Kaput. (Sheepishly) Feef an’ I tried everything, but this balloon is well an’ truly popped.

 **Plucky:** (Groans) Whatta letdown! (To **Hamton** ) So, how’re we gonna blow this popsicle stand?

 **Fifi:** (Shrugs) Je suis desolé, mais we are stranded.

 **Shirley:** (Rolls her eyes) Like, no we ain’t. (To **H &F**) Remember that Cartoon Physics class? You two inhale some helium an’ use yer ballooned keisters ta fly us away!

 **Plucky:** (Cheerfully) Hey, yeah, that's a great idea!

 **Hamton:** (Gulps) Uhh… I never liked that subject. It always stretched out my clothes… and made me feel fat.

 **Fifi:** (Vehemently) Non! Ah refuse to do zat! Zat form of cartoon science eez degrading! (Beat) Et eet makes moi gassy.

 **Plucky:** (Frustrated) Oh, here we go! Always thinkin’ about yerselves!

 **Shirley:** You guys are mondo awful at bein’ maid of honour and best man! Yer supposed ta do everything we tell ya on our big day!

_The squawking of the waterfowl is drowned out as we focus on the pig and skunkette. They glance at the helium tank and share a look._

**Plucky:** (Ranting) ...If ya want somethin’ done, ya gotta do it yourself!

 **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton’s** _eyes light up and they grin nastily. We pan over to_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _who are still complaining. Suddenly, their friends seize them and pull them offscreen._

 _We fade to_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _sailing away, up and over the mountains. The camera pans out to show_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _, both inflated with round bodies floating above them. Their bills have been sellotaped shut. Whether this is to stop the air escaping or preventing them from moaning is ambiguous. The basket has been tied to their waists._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _are standing in it._

 **Hamton:** (Nonchalantly) Y’know, usually in cartoons that feature this gag, there’d be a bird with a really sharp beak comin’ in ta pop the balloon.

 **Fifi:** (Giggles) Zen we are lucky zat ze birds are ze balloons!

_They both look down at the ground hundreds of feet below them._

**Fifi:** Tu know, Professeur Porky told us zat, dans ze Tooniverse, tu can get anywhere tu want to go in seconds!

 **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _look hopefully at each other._

 **Hamton:** I know...but it'd be a shame ta see the world from up here and get ta the reception in five seconds. (Beat) Let's take the scenic route.

 **Both:** (Singing) Up, up and away in our beautiful, our beautiful balloons!

_The inflated waterfowl roll their eyes as their best man and maid of honour laugh heartily._

**Fifi:** Welcome aboard ze Fowlest Airline een ze world!

 **Hamton:** We're flyin' south for the winter!

 **Fifi:** Courtesy ov zee most eenflated egoz een ze nation!

 **Hamton:** Airheads make the best mode of transportation!

 **Fifi:** Et eef eet becomes necesarree - we ‘ave ze fastest ballons...avec les Putred jeté Propullscion!

 **Hamton:** Don't ask where it comes from, but let's say it's not just their altitude that stinks!

_They look down at the world below them._

**Hamton:** At last, we actually get to see them fly for once.

 **Fifi:** Oui, oui! Et zey actually took ze both of us with zem.

_Suddenly, the picture goes fuzzy until it dissolves into white noise._

 

**Act Three**

_We fade back to the quintet staring at the crystal ball._ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _are dumbfounded._

 **Shirley:** (Incredulously) Like, that's our wedding?!

 **Plucky:** (Shaking his head) I don't get it! I had EVERYTHING planned!

 **Cypress** **:** (Shrugs) It’s just a prediction. Your conceptual wedding might go pretty well.

 **Shirley:** (Outraged, to **Cypress** ) Like, no way! The crystal ball’s never wrong!

 **Fifi:** (Confused) Vat about when eet said zat Mary would be famous?

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled) Who’s Mary?

 **Hamton:** (Joining in) And the time it said you were gonna move ta Tibet and become a nun?

 **Shirley:** (Hotly) Like, alright, we get the point, or some junk! (Calms down) It was defective then. I dropped it on the floor, remember?

 **Cypress** **:** (Pointing) Hey, look! There's something appearing on it!

 _They all look at it again. Instead of a video, we get a series of photos like a slideshow. All of them are of_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _posing in different locations. We see_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _in the background, still inflated but anchored to the ground._

 **Plucky:** (Perplexed) What's goin’ on, now?

 **Shirley** _closes her eyes and consults the artifact in her hands. A few moments later, she opens her eyes._

 **Shirley:** (Annoyed) This is our journey to the reception or some junk.

 **Plucky:** France?! Why are we in France?!

 **Shirley:** (Checks the crystal ball) Like, because Feef got homesick.

 _Another photo appears._ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _are posing with_ **Peter Potamus** _and_ **So-So the Monkey** _. There are several balloons of different shapes, sizes and colours behind them._

 **Plucky:** (Regarding **Peter** and **So-So** ) Who are they?

 **Shirley:** (With mounting anger) Accordin' to the crystal ball, our best man and maid of honour stopped at a balloon show on the way to the reception...where everyone commented on how life-like their balloons were!!

 **Cypress** **:** (Chuckles nervously) Soooo… how was the reception? Or how would it go?

 **Shirley:** Lemme check.

 _She closes her eyes and the camera zooms into the crystal ball. We see the site of the_ **Woodstock Festival** _. It's completely barren. The makeshift balloons land. The pig and skunkette both pull a chain and the distended waterfowl deflate, making noises like giant whoopee cushions._

 **Fifi:** (Teasingly, to **Hamton** ) Excusez-moi.

_They double up laughing._

**Hamton:** (Wiping tears away) I blame the burrito!

 _Their mirth fades away upon being covered by a giant tuxedo and gown. Initially, it seems that they've shrunk. However,_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley's** _clothes have actually stretched out._

 **Plucky:** (In a squeaky voice, offscreen) Our clothes! They're not supposed ta come off until the honeymoon!

 **Shirley:** (In a squeaky voice, offscreen) Like, whadda we do?? We can't have our first dance in the buff, or some junk!

 _The camera cuts to_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _wearing barrels and standing on the dance floor._

 **Plucky:** (Snarky) I’ve heard of barrel chested but this is ridiculous.

 **Shirley:** (Through gritted teeth) Like, it TOTALLY doesn't matter. Let's enjoy our first dance as husband and wife.

**# Islands in the Stream - Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton**

**Shirley** _holds_ **Plucky** _and begins to sway. The green duck is baffled by the soundtrack._

 **KR &DP: **(Singing) Islands in the Stream, that is what we are! No-one in between, how can we be wrong? Sail away with me, to another world, and we rely on each other…

 **Plucky** _lets go of_ **Shirley** _._

 **Plucky:** (Interrupting) Nuh-uh!

_The song halts._

**Shirley:** (Perplexed) Like, what's the matter, Plucky-poo?

 **Plucky:** (Outraged) This ain’t the song I requested! (To someone offscreen) Put MY song on!

**# Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley**

**Plucky:** (Satisfied) That's more like it!

 _He takes the loon’s hands and begins to boogie down. Now it's_ **Shirley's** _turn to look unimpressed._

 **RA:** (Singing) Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around and desert you!

 **Shirley:** (Irritable) Kill the music, or some junk!

_The song stops, accompanied by a record scratch._

**Plucky:** Now what?!

 **Shirley:** (Sighs) Plucky-poo, the bride plans the venue for our wedding, where we're gonna have our reception AND the song we’ll dance to! It's her big day, so it's her choice!

 **Plucky:** Hey! It's my big day, too! It's my choice ta make it awesome! I’m the one who planned how we were gonna travel!

 **Shirley:** (Frustrated) Y’know, in hindsight, a hot air balloon was a mondo stupid idea!

 **Plucky:** (Testily) So was yer venue!

 **Shirley:** (Angrily) Gettin’ married was pretty dumb as well

_The prediction abruptly disappears into white noise. The waterfowl stare dumbfounded at what they've just seen._

**Cypress** **:** (Clears her throat) Well...that was awkward.

 **Shirley:** (Takes a deep breath) Like, what we hafta remember is that this is just a prediction. The future, or some junk. It can be changed.

 **Plucky:** (Hastily) Yeah! (Unsure) Yeah…

 **Hamton** _pats_ **Plucky** _on the shoulder._

 **Hamton:** (Reassuringly) I’m sure your wedding would be wonderful, pal. You might just hafta make it less...overblown.

 **Fifi:** (Comforting) Oui! ‘Ow about we see some more predictions at ze maison of your tante et oncle? Eet cannot be far away, no?

 _Without saying a word,_ **Plucky** _sets off, his eyes scanning the wedding plan he wrote out. The others follow him._

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** , out of the corner of his mouth) Y’know, that prediction gave me an idea for how we’d get home.

 **Fifi:** (Chuckles) Sssh!

 

**Act Four**

_Banjo music begins to play as we see a sign that reads_ **“No Solicitors, No Jehovah’s Witnesses and positively NO RABBITS!”** _Another sign reads_ **“Mr & Mrs Mucky Duck” **

_The camera pans further ahead to reveal a duck pond. Two green ducks (one male, one female) float boredly in the murky water. The male duck wears a straw hat and is toting a rake. This is_ **Mucky** _. The female duck is wearing a hairnet. This is_ **Clucky** _._

 **Mucky:** (To **Clucky** ) That no good nephew shoulda been here days ago.

 **Clucky:** (Shrugs) He might’ve done somethin’ with his life since the last time we saw him. 

 **Both:** Nah! 

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen) Aunt Clucky! Uncle Mucky! You guys there?

 **Mucky:** (Irritably) Took yer time, didn't ya?

 _The five toons arrive._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _regard the “house” in surprise._

 **Hamton:** (Dumbfounded) Th-This is their house?!

 **Plucky:** (Indignantly) Yeah! I live in a pond an’ ya don't complain about that!

 **Hamton:** You live in a cabin on an island in the middle of a pond.

 **Shirley:** (Looking around) Well, like, Plucky did say his aunt an’ uncle lived on a farm. Just not in a pond.

 **Cypress** **:** (Cheerfully) Well, it's a nice place. Airy, definitely, but nice.

 **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _and_ **Cypress** _climb into the water and float up to_ **Mucky** _and_ **Clucky** _._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _climb in and with an almighty splash, they disappear and sink to the bottom._

 **Shirley:** (Realising) Like, oh, yeah! You guys are mammals, or some junk!

 **Mucky:** (To **Plucky** ) Who the heck are these guys?

 **Plucky:** (Rolls his eyes) They're my friends. (Hastily) Now where are the milk an’ cookies, we got places ta be!

 **Shirley:** (Reproachfully) Pl-ucky! (Pleasantly, to **M &C**) Like, hi-yee, Mr and Mrs Duck! My name’s Shirley McLoon, or some junk.

 **Mucky:** (Snorts) Or some junk? Your parents must hate you.

 **Shirley:** (Puzzled) Say what now? (Chuckles) Like, nope. Just Shirley McLoon. I’m Plucky's friend from school...and his fiancé.

 **Mucky** _and_ **Clucky** _do a double take._

 **Clucky:** (Dumbfounded, to **Shirley** ) You?! Engaged to him?!

 **Plucky:** (Proudly) Yeah, I’m gonna be a married mallard!

 **Mucky:** Yer gonna make a big mistake, y’mean.

 **Plucky:** (Puzzled) Huh??

 **Clucky:** (To **Shirley** ) Listen, honey, you look like a bright young lady…

 **Mucky:** (Chuckles) But you’re not doing the dumb blonde stereotype justice.

 **Clucky:** (To **Shirley** ) You should know better than ta join lives with our nephew.

 **Shirley:** (Indignantly) Like, what makes you say that, or some junk?

 **Mucky:** Because we’re his family, you Valley Girl stereotype. We know Plucky better than you. And we know that marryin’ him is like entrustin’ Fort Knox to an Alzheimer's patient.

 **Cypress** **:** (Crossly) Then you mustn't know Plucky that well! He’s kind, uh… uh…

 **Clucky:** (Interrupting, to **Cypress** ) Self-absorbed, incompetent and badly-dressed, more like.

 **Plucky:** (Outraged) Hey! What gives, Aunt Clucky? I thought I was yer favourite nephew!

 **Mucky:** (Correcting) You were our only nephew. We didn't have much of a choice when it came to favourites.

 **Clucky:** The last time we saw you, you were a duckling. A pretty cute duckling, too. But then ya grew up an’ stopped bein’ cute. Now, yer obnoxious!

 **Mucky:** (Severely) When yer dad told us about how you flooded the bathroom, we knew you were destined for failure no matter what you did.

 **Clucky:** (To **Plucky** ) Your cousins never flooded the bathroom when they were toddlers, and look at them now!

_She thrusts some photographs in the faces of the three waterfowl. We get a view of them. Three identical green ducks are seen outside different buildings. One green duck is dressed in graduation robes, the second duck is wearing a sailor suit and the third duck is in a science lab._

**Clucky:** They’ve all done something with their lives and are gonna be successful! (To **Plucky** ) Whereas YOU just play second banana to a rabbit!

 **Plucky:** (Triumphantly) That’s where yer wrong, Aunt Clucky! I ain’t workin’ for that duck-hatin’ show anymore! I’m moving on ta start my own show with Warner Bros!

 **Mucky:** Well, that’s gonna sink like a lead balloon. How can you carry a show on yer own?

 **Shirley:** (Cutting in) Like, he planned ahead. I’m his co-star and so are the pig and skunk at the bottom of the pond.

 **Mucky:** (Worried) Yeah, are those two okay?

_The five waterfowl duck under water, their behinds waving in the air. A few seconds later, they resurface._

**Cypress** **:** (Calmly) They’ll be fine.

 **Clucky:** (To **Shirley** ) So, you’re planning on marrying our nephew AND working with him? That's just asking for trouble.

 **Plucky:** (Defensively) Not if you're prepared!

_He presents them with a hastily scrawled piece of paper._

**Plucky:** (Smugly) It's our wedding plans.

 **Mucky:** (Snarky) Let’s see how much I can guess without reading it: you and your hapless harlot are gonna fly ta some remote location via a hot air balloon, and in your truly idiotic style, you’ll crash it.

 **Shirley:** (Meekly) Like, ta be fair, the remote venue was my idea or some junk.

 **Plucky:** (Hastily) Uhhh...no! HA! Ya got it all wrong, Uncle Mucky! Shirley an’ I are gonna have our wedding in a modest church.

 **Cypress** **:** (Correcting) No, he’s right, Plucky, you were gonna…

 **Plucky:** (Interrupting) Where are Feef an’ Hammy? I got some bad news for them.

 **Clucky** _whips out a fishing rod._

 **Clucky:** (Bored) I’ll get ‘em.

 _She lowers the hook into the water. After a beat, the rod begins to tug and she pulls_ **Hamton** _out by the seat of his overalls._ **Fifi** _clings to him like a floatation device._

 **Plucky:** (Gravely, to **F &H**) Guys. I’ve gone over the plans for our wedding and...yer not invited.

 **H &F: **(Shocked) What?!

 **Plucky:** (Sheepishly) The pattern that I concluded from the prediction is that you two were there when everything went wrong. So, if you don't show up, it’ll be a success. Bye!

 **Clucky** _lets go of the rod and they vanish under the surface._

 **Shirley:** (Outraged) Like, Pl-ucky! Feef an’ Hammy are our best friends! Who's gonna replace ‘em as best man an’ maid of honour, or some junk?

 **Plucky:** (To **Cypress** ) Congratulations, Cypress, you’re our best man/maid of honour.

 **Cypress** **:** (Surprised) M-Me?? (Ecstatic) I-I’ve always wanted ta be a maid of honour!

 **Mucky:** (To **Cypress** ) Probably the first job you've ever had.

 **Cypress** **:** (Bluntly) No. I was a flower girl first. (To **P &S**) Although I still think you're too young, I’ll not let you down.

 **Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) Let’s see what our wedding’ll look like NOW!

 **Shirley** _takes out her crystal ball and turns it on._

 **Shirley:** (Chanting) Ohwhatalooniam, Ohwhatalooniam… Spirits of the crystal ball, show us how my union to Plucky Duck will play out…

 **Mucky:** (Scoffs) Can you get Newhart on that?

 _The camera zooms into the crystal ball as the prediction begins to play. There is an old movie style countdown and then we see_ **Cypress** _strumming on a sitar in front of the altar. She's wearing a green dress with flowers wrapped around it._ **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _and the congregation stare at her in disbelief._

 **Cypress** **:** (Sings) And it’s too late baby, now, it's too late, though we really did try to make it! Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't make it, oh, no, no!

_She ends the song with a few riffs on her sitar before standing up to bow. Then, she walks offscreen._

**Priest:** (To the Congregation) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the face of God and in the face of this company to witness…

 _He is interrupted by a loud banging noise. Everyone wheels round and the camera pans up to reveal_ **Fowlmouth** _pounding desperately on the huge window._

 **Fowlmouth:** (Screaming) SHOILEY!! SHOILEY!!

 **Shirley:** (Ecstatically) FM!!

 _She sprints towards the entrance offscreen, leaving a confused_ **Plucky** _behind._

 **Cypress** **:** (Sings) Hello, darkness, my old friend… I've come to talk with you again…

_The prediction ends._

**Cypress** **:** (Gulps) I know better songs than that...

 **Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) Fowlmouth? Really?

 **Shirley:** (Irritable) Like, this darn crystal ball is broken!!

 **Clucky:** Or maybe you're in denial?

 **Shirley:** (To **Clucky** ) Like, how would YOU know? Yer no clairvoyant!

 **Mucky:** (Smirking) Maybe not...but we can see when someone's about ta make a stupid mistake.

 **Plucky:** (Angrily) Aww, shaddap, Uncle Mucky!

 **Cypress** **:** (Hastily) How about we test the crystal ball on someone else?

 **Mucky:** (Chuckles) Yeah. Let's see the future of the pig and skunk. They look like an item, judging from what they're doing below us.

_They all look underwater._

**Plucky:** (Snidely, to **Mucky** ) At least in MY house, ya get some privacy.

 **Shirley:** (Chanting) Ohwhatalooniam, Ohwhatalooniam… Spirits of the crystal ball, show us how the lives of Fifi La Fume and Hamton J Pig will play out…

 

**Act Five**

_The picture is fuzzy, but we can hear_ **Fifi** _screaming in pain._

 **Fifi:** (Strained, offscreen) Le AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen) C’mon, Feef! Just one more push an’ it’ll be all over!

_The five waterfowl suddenly hear the sounds of babies crying._

**Doctor:** (Offscreen) Congratulations, Mrs La Fume-Pig. You're a mother.

 **Fifi:** (Gasps, offscreen) Fille or garcon?

 **Doctor:** (Offscreen) Two boys, two girls.

 **Hamton:** (Tearfully, offscreen) Oh, my god… Feef… we’re parents!

 _Suddenly, an image appears of_ **Fifi** _sat up on a delivery table cradling two piglets, whilst_ **Hamton** _stands beside her holding two skunk kittens. The camera briefly pans out to show the reaction of the waterfowl._

 **All:** Awwww!

 **Plucky:** (Dumbfounded) Wait, Feef an’ Hammy… they… they?

 **Clucky:** (Rolling her eyes) It's perfectly natural, Plucky. We all know you're too ignorant.

 **Mucky:** (Scoffs) Natural, my keister, why can't mammals lay eggs?

 **Cypress** **:** (Grinning) I’m so proud…

 **Plucky:** (To **Cypress** ) Hey, no fair! You hate the idea of me an’ Shirley gettin’ hitched!

 **Mucky:** Because she's got horse sense!

 **Cypress** **:** (Indignantly, to **Mucky** ) Actually, it's because they're all grown up.

 **Clucky:** (Shushes) Shaddap, I'm watching their future!

 _We cut back to the prediction._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _lie in a double bed, fast asleep. Suddenly, their eyes snap open upon hearing a bawling sound._

 **Hamton:** (Yawns) I’ll see to Fleur…

 _He gets up and moves offscreen._ **Fifi** _buries her face in the pillow. Then we fade to_ **Fifi** _in the kitchen_ _spoon feeding one of the piglets whilst changing the diaper of one of the skunk kittens._

 **Fifi:** (Coaxing) Henry…’ere comes ze avion! Le neooooowm!

_The skunk kitten whose diaper is being changed gets restless._

**Fifi:** (Admonishing) Do not do zat, Maria! Tu will be finished soon,  ma cher. (Calling) Hammy?? Tu will be late pour work, mon conniechon!

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen) So will you! Did you get a babysitter? Mom’s busy!

 **Fifi:** (Calling) Furball will take care of zem!

 _The camera pans down to_ **Furball** _, who is eating out of a bowl and is wearing a collar._

 **Furball:** (Puzzled) Meow?

 _The prediction cuts back to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _in bed. We can hear a thunderstorm outside._

 **Hamton:** (Sleepily) I’ve always found storms at night to be very relaxing.

 **Fifi:** (Yawns) Ah ‘ope ze children will be alright…

_There is a flash of lightning followed by a deafening thunder clap. There is a mass of screaming before the four children run into the bedroom and dive under the comforter._

**Fleur:** (Voice muffled) Papa...can we sleep avec tu et Mama?

 **Fifi:** (Groans) Ah do not see why not, Cherie…

 **Henry:** (Voice muffled) Yay!

 _There is some movement under the comforter and_ **Fifi** _yelps._

 **Fifi:** (Sighs) Henry, let go of ma tail, s’il vous plait.

 **Henry:** (Voice muffled) No way! It's a neato blankie!

 **Fifi:** (Yawns) Very well… mais, do not blame moi if ah am gassy!

 **Maria** _is curled up and sound asleep...atop_ **Hamton's** _head. The married couple do not look comfortable at all._

_The prediction ends._

**Plucky:** (Surprised) Who woulda thought… Feef an’ Hammy are miserable!

 **Cypress** **:** (Shakes her head) Not really. They're supporting each other, they're puttin’ their kid’s needs before their own, their kids love them...

 **Clucky:** (Spitefully interrupting) If they were miserable, Plucky, they woulda divorced like yer parents.

 **Shirley** _and_ **Cypress** _do a double take._ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _resurface as well._

 **Shirley:** (Horrified, to **Plucky** ) Like, you come from a broken home, or some junk?!

 **Plucky** _winces._

 **Plucky:** (Chuckles nervously) Nope… Mom went out ta buy some golf clubs for Dad…

 **Mucky:** (Snidely, to **Shirley** ) Actually, she came ta live with us. Yer aunt’s her sister if ya didn't notice. Then, she moved on.

 **Cypress** **:** (To **Mucky** ) Okay, what's your deal? You invited your nephew all the way here an’ you an’ yer wife have done nothing but put him down ever since he arrived!

 **Clucky:** (Defensively) We’ve done nothing wrong! It's Plucky's fault for wasting his time on a silly spinoff an’ getting engaged. Mucky and I know exactly why your stupid wedding plans will all go up in smoke. Because his own parents split up!

 **Shirley:** (Hotly, to **Clucky** ) Like, in case you haven't noticed, Duck-Toad, I'm nothing like yer family, and ta be mondo frank, I’m glad I ain’t!

 **Mucky:** (Angrily) What's that supposed ta mean?

 **Shirley:** (Coldly) Because yer both terrible relatives. Aunts an’ Uncles are family, or some junk. They look out for each other. Plucky bein’ miserable is like nirvana ta you!

 **Cypress** **:** Shirley's right. Who's ta say that your kids aren't miserable ‘cos of you guys pressuring ‘em ta be perfect?

 **Clucky:** (Vehemently, to **Cypress** ) Don’t you lecture us on how ta raise children, you jobless hippy! Mucky and I made sure that our boys did well in life. That meant no comics, no video games, no fun of any kind…

 **Plucky:** (Aghast) You monsters!

 **Mucky:** (Nastily, to **Plucky** ) Well, they've all done better than you! You’ve got nothing!

 **Hamton:** (Clears his throat) Actually, Mr Mucky, sir… that's not true. Plucky's got us.

 **Fifi:** (Sternly) Oui, Monsieur. Plucky may not be trés smart, ‘andsome, skilled or sensible, mais underneath all zat arrogant bravado eez un true-blue friend.

 **Clucky:** (To **H &F**) Why should you care about him? You’ll live a happy life together, you’ll have kids…

 **H &F: **(Dumbfounded) Kids?!

 **Clucky:** (To **H &F**) The more you hang around with our nephew, the more likely it’ll be for your future marriage going down the toilet! (To **Shirley** ) And we don't need that glorified TV set ta know that!

 **Shirley:** (Icily) Well, like, it's a mondo good job that I don't believe in predictions anymore. (To **Plucky** ) C’mon, Plucky-poo. Let's blow this oversized puddle.

 _Glaring coldly at_ **Clucky** _and_ **Mucky** _,_ _the five Toons swim to the edge of the pond and climb out._

 **Mucky:** (Furious) OVERSIZED PUDDLE?! Whadda ya mean, oversized puddle! I dug this pond with my own two hands! I filled it up with Wisconsin rainwater! I raised three successful ducks in it!

 _As he’s ranting, a huge storm cloud appears above their house. There's a thunderclap and a flash of lightning and the aged waterfowl float in the water, charred and blackened._ **Shirley** _smugly walks up._

 **Shirley:** (Meanly) Awww, like, what a mondo shame, that's just too bad. Well, that's what happens when yer house conducts electricity, or some junk. (Sweetly) Toodles!

 _She struts offscreen._ **Mucky** _and_ **Clucky** _bob about a bit in the water before sinking below the surface._

 

**Act Six**

**Plucky** _walks ahead of the group, looking troubled. The others regard him with concern._

 **Shirley:** (Worriedly) Plucky? Honey, are you okay?

 **Plucky** _closes his eyes and turns to face his friends._

 **Plucky:** (Sadly) So, the truth’s out, huh? Knew it would be eventually.

 **Hamton:** (Gently) Plucky, why didn't you tell me your parents were split up? Mom, Dad an’ I woulda helped you out.

 **Plucky:** Well, uh, no offence, Ham-Brain, but I needed counselling after the trip ta Happy World Land. I doubt your folks woulda helped.

 **Hamton:** (Correcting) Well, you technically invited yourself…

 **Plucky:** (Irritably) I know!

 **Cypress** **:** (Beat) Plucky, I think I know what your problem is. (Clears her throat) Your fixation with being number one and having a whole show to yourself stems from your early childhood years. It's most likely your parents began to feel sorry for themselves following the divorce and paid less attention to you, so you had to seek it out from someone else. Attention became the one thing you sought in life. At school, you tried to make people like you, but they always preferred the “rabbit” to you. Maybe because the rabbit was a genuine role model whereas you were an insecure little duck with a chip on his shoulder. If you couldn't have the spotlight then no-one could. You took advantage of your friends in an attempt to look good, but resulted in losing respect. You feel that even when you find happiness, it’ll quickly go away. Perhaps that's why your vision of a marriage with Shirley is often negative. It's because, deep down, you think that it will be short-lived, just like your mom and dad’s.

_The others gape at her, their jaws hitting the floor._

**Cypress** **:** (Confused) What? I took an evening course in psychology. 

 **Plucky:** (Sheepish) I...uh...didn't catch most of what you said except for the failure part. (To **Shirley** ) Who am I kiddin’, Aunt Clucky an’ Uncle Mucky are right. Let's not get married.

 **Shirley:** (Indignantly) Excuse me? Yer gonna let those boneheads put you off marryin’ me?

 **Plucky:** (Sadly) Look at ‘em! They're still together, my cousins all have cool jobs! (To **CH &F**) You guys were right all along. Gettin’ married is a dumb idea.

 **Fifi:** (Kindly) Non, Plucky. We were wrong.

 **Hamton:** (Warmly) Yeah, we were worried you guys were rushing in, that's all.

 **Plucky:** (Baffled) B-But you guys all saw the wedding predictions! Everything goes south!

 **Shirley:** (Comforting) Yeah, we totally did. But, y’know somethin’ about my predictions? (Reluctantly) I hate ta admit it, but they’re usually wrong.

 **Plucky:** (Suspiciously) So even Hammy an’ Feef’s future?

 **Hamton:** (With mock shock) You saw our future without us?

 **Cypress** **:** (Sheepishly) You guys were occupied.

 **Plucky:** (Chuckles) Yeah. It’s a shame yer vanishing cream washes off underwater.

 **Hamton** _grins and blushes with embarrassment._

 **Fifi:** (Curiously) Vat ‘appened to Hammy et moi?

 **Cypress** **:** You get married and have four children.

 **Hamton:** (Curiously) Henry? Paul?

 **Fifi:** (Curiously) Fleur? Maria?

_The three waterfowl stare at them in shock._

**Shirley:** (Flabbergasted) Like, how’d you know?!

 **Hamton:** (Shrugs) We don’t. We just came up with names in case.

 **Fifi:** (Happily) Eet might not be true, mes amis.

 **Shirley:** (Beat) Like, Fifi’s right. (To **Plucky** ) Y’know, a few weeks ago, I would’ve agreed with yer aunt an’ uncle. But, you’ve changed. I know you have. Feef, Hammy an’ I are sorry for walkin’ out on ya...

 **Plucky:** (Interrupting) Whoa, whoa, whoa. (To **Shirley** ) My mom may have ditched me, but it doesn’t excuse how I treated you guys. So, I’m sorry too.

 _Grinning,_ **Shirley** _picks up her crystal ball._

 **Shirley:** From now on, Plucky-poo, I’m never lettin’ my clairvoyance dictate how I live my life. I’m gonna throw caution to the wind, or some junk!

_With this, she throws her crystal ball like a shot put. It flies into the bushes and disappears._

**Shirley:** Let’s go. We got a show ta make!

_The quintet all cheerily link arms and walk happily into the sunset._

**Plucky:** (Narrating) My aunt an’ uncle have changed. But so have I, only for the better. Shirl’s right. We need ta stop relyin’ on crystal balls and trust each other as a couple. But before we get hitched, we need ta head on down ta Burbank so we can all become famous! Spinoff Log: End of Entry 13.

 _Suddenly,_ **Shirley** _sprints back towards the bush to retrieve her crystal ball._

 **Shirley:** (Wailing) Like, I take it back! I’m mondo sorry, spirits!

 **Plucky** _walks after her, grabs her by her shirt and drags her away._

 **Plucky:** (Annoyed, to **Shirley** ) Let it go…

 

**TO BE CONTINUED**

 

**CREDITS**

 

Written by: **Redtp95**

Creative Consultant: **Pepe K**

 **Cypress Duck** is owned by **Smallj85**


	18. Sweater Shore

**THE PLUCKY DUCK SHOW**

  
**Episode 18**  
**Sweater Shore**

 

**Act One**

_There is a clap of thunder and the screen briefly turns white the view of a forest in a rainstorm appears. The branches shake in the wind, causing rainwater and leaves to fall from them. The quintet walk amongst the trees._ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _splash and play in puddles._

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) We’re ducks. Sue us!

 **Shirley:** (Correcting) Like, nuh-uh. I’m a loon.

 **Plucky:** (Perplexed) Really? You don’t look like one.

 **Cypress:** (Shivering) How much farther are we to Burbank?

 **Fifi:** (To **Cypress** ) Un petit steps more zan ze last time vous asked! (Rolls her eyes) Sacré bleu. (To the camera) Et to think zat she eez ze adult ‘ere.

 **Hamton** _is consulting a map that is trying to blow away. He is also holding onto an umbrella._

 **Hamton:** (Musing) According to the map Uncle Stinky gave us, we’re near the Brule River.

 **Cypress:** Is there a road anywhere?

 **Hamton:** Nope. Just loads an’ loads ‘o’ green.

 **Shirley:** (Teasingly) Like, don’t get lost, Plucky-poo, we’ll never see you again, or some junk.

 **Fifi:** (Confused) Ze brûlée river? (Happily) Trés bon, ah love creme brûlée.

 **Hamton:** (Correcting) The Brule River, Feef. It's between Wisconsin and Michigan.

 **Cypress:** How far is it?

 **Hamton:** (Matter-of-factly) 52.3 miles.

 **Cypress** groans in frustration.

 **Shirley:** Like, hey, um, Cypress? Yer a hippy. Why ain’t you totally happy with walkin’ through nature?

 **Cypress:** (Grumbles) I hate it when it rains… especially when it's such a blowsery day!

_The other four look at her oddly._

**Cypress:** (Surprised) What, you never read Brainie the Poo? Y’know? With Jagger, and Algore…

_She trails off, embarrassed._

**Plucky:** (Happily) Me? I love the rain! It's the best way ta have a shower!

 **Shirley:** Like, mondo unhygienic, Plucky.

 _A strong gust of wind blows the map from the pig’s grip._ **Fifi** _deftly whips out her tail and catches it._

 **Fifi:** (Sighs) Ah shall ‘old ze map, Hammy. Tu focus on keeping ze two of us dry, no?

 **Cypress:** (Hopefully) Any room for me?

 **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _stare at her as if she's grown an elephant’s trunk._

 **Hamton:** (Shaking his head) You’re one weird waterfowl.

 **Plucky:** (Ruffles his feathers) Man, it's gettin’ cold! The wind’s pickin’ up!

 **Hamton:** (Resolutely, to **Fifi** ) Don't worry, Feef. I won't let the umbrella blow away!

_As soon as he says this, he's lifted right off the ground by it._

**Cypress:** (Shocked) Never mind the umbrella, what about you?!

 **Fifi:** (With alarm) Hammy!

 _She jumps up and grabs_ **Hamton** _by his legs. Unfortunately, she lets go of the map as well. It blows away._

 **Shirley:** (Horrified) The map!

 **Hamton:** (With relief) Ohh, thank you, Feef.

 **Plucky:** (Chuckles) Y’know, of all Toons, I never thought Ham-Brain would run the risk ‘o’ gettin’ blown away. Yer too heavy!

 **Fifi** _begins trying to pull_ **Hamton** _back down to the ground when she accidentally grabs a loose thread. As she does so, the pig’s denim overalls begin to unravel._

 **Fifi:** (Swallows) Oh, mon dieu…

 _Everyone's eyes widen as_ **Hamton's** _overalls completely unravel. The moment the overly long thread comes off, the pig flies up into the air._

 **Hamton:** (Panic-stricken) Heeeeeeelllllppppp!!

 **Fifi** _begins to panic, but then notices_ **Shirley** _gaping at her wayward boyfriend. She covers the loon’s eyes indignantly._

 **Cypress:** (Musing) Something like this happened in Brainie the Poo.

 **Plucky:** (Whistles) Bet he wish he had his vanishing cream now! (To **Fifi** ) Why isn't Hammy wearin’ any underwear?

 **Fifi:** (Snaps) Never vous mind! We ‘ave to get ‘im back!

 **Plucky:** (Sniggers) We hafta get him a new set of overalls as well!

 **Shirley:** (Panicked) Like, what about the map? Without it, we’re stuck!

 **Fifi:** (Rolls her eyes) Alright… (To **PS &C**) Vous look pour ze map, ah will scope Hammy out.

 _She whips out a pink umbrella and allows the wind to carry her off. She flies away in the same direction as_ **Hamton** _._

 **Cypress:** (Dumbfounded) She had an umbrella this whole time?! Why didn't she tell me?!

 **Plucky:** (Shrugs) Needed a punchline, I guess.

 **Shirley** _presses her fingertips to her temples._

 **Shirley:** (Frustrated) Like, I can’t find the map’s aura!

 **Plucky:** (Sniggers) That’s because it ain’t a livin’ thing.

 **Shirley:** (Deadpan) Figures, or some junk.

 **Cypress:** (Frustrated) Well, we’re lost, aren’t we?! That map could be anywhere in this wind! Not ta mention that we hafta find Hamton an’ Fifi as well!

 **Plucky:** (Shrugs) Hey, we’re all birds, aren’t we? Why don’t we just fly over the trees an’ look for the way out?

 **Shirley** _and_ **Cypress** _gape at him as he flaps his arms to prove his point._

 **Shirley:** (Agape) Like, Pl-ucky, you’ve actually had a good idea for once, or some junk!

 **Plucky:** (Indignantly) Whadda ya mean for once?

 **Cypress:** (Muttering) You could’ve suggested usin’ a hot air balloon.

 

**Act Two**

_The camera cuts to_ **Fifi** _flying among the trees on her umbrella._

 **Fifi:** (Calling out) Hamtone?! Oh, Hammy?? Ou est tu?

_Her calls are drowned out by the wind. We get a view of the tree tops from her perspective. Suddenly, it zooms in on something pink wedged among the green branches._

**Fifi:** (Gasps) Hamtone?!

 _She unleashes some of her musk in order to push her further towards the tree. We pan over to what she has seen._ **Hamton’s** _bottom is jutting out. The pig is stuck in the branches. The camera pans over to the other side to reveal that_ **Hamton** _is firmly grasping the umbrella, which is being tugged vigorously by the wind._

 **Hamton:** (Adamantly) Give it yer best shot, nature! I’m a Pig Scout, an’ we Pig Scouts never go back on our word!

 **Fifi** _lands daintily on the branch, which bobs down slightly. She folds her umbrella and puts it away._

 **Fifi:** (Teasingly) Eet eez a good job zat tu ‘ave un cute derriere, Hammy.

 **Hamton:** (Muffled) Feef? Boy, am I glad ta see you! I’m stuck in the branches without any clothes an’ this wind is gettin’ stronger!

 **Fifi:** (Reassuringly) Do not worry, mon Conniechon. Ah think zat zere may be some spare overalls dans ze suitcase. Mais, ah believe zat eet eez, how-you-say, prunish…

 **Hamton:** (Correcting) Prudent…

 **Fifi:** ...Zat ah get tu out of zere first.

 **Hamton:** (Relieved) Oh, good. These branches are pokin’ places they got no right ta poke!

_The skunkette fishes in her purse and takes out a nail file. She then begins to use it against the thin branches._

**Hamton:** (Chuckles nervously) C-Careful there, Feef. Remember, I ain’t got any clothes, so watch where yer cuttin’!

 **Fifi:** (To the camera, as she files) Do not try zis at ‘ome, eet does not work.

_One by one, the branches break, giving the pig more and more room. Finally, he’s completely free...and then the wind picks up once more. He begins to get blown away with the umbrella._

**Fifi:** (Shocked) NON!! Not again!

 _She leaps out and grabs_ **Hamton** _by the hooves. They both get carried off._

 **Fifi:** (To the camera) Et right above moi eez a naked pig. (Winks)

_They begin to slowly sink. They’re both nonplussed by this._

**Fifi:** (Surprised) Ze wind eez not dying down, so ‘ow are we going down?

 **Hamton:** (Pondering) It must be the extra body. This umbrella can’t carry both of us.

 **Fifi:** (Sternly) Excusez-moi? Ah ‘ave been watching ma figure, merci beaucoup!

 **Hamton:** (Hastily) I-I could be wrong! It’s no good questioning how weight distribution or gravity works in a cartoon.

 **Fifi:** (Has an epiphany) Eet could make un good scientific spinoff, no?

 **Hamton:** Yes. (Looks down) We’ll just use the parasol as a makeshift parachute an’ float down to the ground.

 _Seconds after he says this, the umbrella abruptly turns inside out._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _look at each other, then at the camera, and plummet offscreen._

 **H &F:** (Screaming) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!

_They land in the branches of a tree, and the camera abruptly jumps from left to right as it goes downwards. We hear the crunching and cracking of leaves and branches as the pig and skunkette fall down it._

_Finally, they say goodbye to the last branch, spin around three times and fly gracefully into a gorse bush._

**Fifi:** (Muffled, offscreen) Zis eez no trysting place! Le ouch!

 **Hamton:** (Muffled, offscreen) Really wish I was wearing clothes right now. (Beat) Or had fur!

_They crawl out of the gorse bush, brushing the prickles from their bodies._

**Hamton:** (Lamenting) Awww, the umbrella’s ruined!

 **Fifi:** (Frustrated) Oh, to ‘eck with zat silly umbrella! Because of eet, we’re lost et separated from ze others!

 **Hamton:** (Hastily) Uh, d-don’t worry, Feef. My Pig Scout instincts will tell us where we are.

_He closes his eyes in deep concentration, then he puts his finger in his mouth and takes it out, as if he is determining the wind’s direction. After a pause, he comes to a conclusion._

**Hamton:** (In defeat) We’re lost.

 **Fifi:** (Dejected) Le phooey! We shall never get to ze Fréres Warner Studio now! We do not even know where we are!

 **Hamton:** (Reassuringly) Now, now, Feef. Let’s not give up just yet. Shirley’s a psychic, remember? She could find us by searchin’ for our auras.

 _We cut to_ **Cypress** _wearing a loincloth and rubbing two sticks together to make a fire...in the pouring rain._ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _lounge in one of the puddles as if it’s a jacuzzi._

 **Cypress:** (Frustrated) Ohhhh, it’s not working!! (To **P &S**) Either of you got a light?

 **Plucky:** (Smirks) Naw, we’re kids, we’re not supposed ta play with fire.

 **Cypress:** (Madly) You guys, we’re marooned in a forest, we gotta survive!

 **Shirley:** (Lazily) Wait until Feef finds Hammy, or some junk. I’ll locate ‘em with my aura an’ we’ll be fine.

 **Cypress:** (Groans) At least fly over the trees ta see if they’re there!

 **Plucky:** (Whines) But I just got comfortable!

 **Shirley:** (Chuckles) Like, quit grousin’, duck-toad. Flyin’ was totally yer idea.

 **Plucky** _rolls his eyes and abruptly zooms into the air offscreen._

 **Plucky:** (Offscreen) FIFI?! HAMTON?! WHERE ARE YOU?! HELLOOO!!

_He flies back into the puddle._

**Plucky:** (Quickly) Can’t find ‘em, what a shame, back to soaking.

 **Shirley:** (Sternly) Pl-ucky!

 **Plucky:** (Defensively) What? They’d probably get mad at us if we found ‘em. In case you haven’t noticed, every time those lovebirds are alone, they’re actin’ all…

 **Cypress:** (Interrupting) Please!

 **Plucky:** (Casually, to **Shirley** ) Which reminds me. When are we gonna…?

 **Cypress:** (Interrupting) That is inappropriate!

 **Shirley:** (Uneasily) Uh, like, well, um, yeah, Cypress is totally right. It IS mondo inappropriate, or some junk.

 **Plucky** _gapes at her, taken aback._ **Shirley** _just grins nervously and shrugs. Then, she stands up and climbs out of the puddle._

 **Shirley:** (Briskly) Uh, like, well, um, let’s go look for Feef an’ Hammy! If I stay in there any longer, I’ll get all pruney.

_She flaps her wings and gets airborne._

**Shirley:** (To P &C) Like, up we go into the bright blue yonder or some junk!

 _She flies offscreen._ **Plucky** _and_ **Cypress** _share a look._

**Act Three**

_There is a loud clap of thunder accompanied by a white light._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _wander amongst the trees, looking wet, cold and miserable._ **Fifi** _has her tail completely wrapped around her shapely body like a blanket._ **Hamton’s** _new set of overalls (that look the same as the originals) keep filling up with water and he has to pull them up to allow the rainwater to drain out of the legs._

 **Fifi:** (Shivers) Oh, Hamtone. We’re lost et alone… chilled to ze bone…

 **Hamton:** (Sings) Silver Lady…

 **Fifi** _looks at him, unimpressed._

 **Hamton:** (Sighs) Just tryin’ ta lighten the otherwise bleak mood.

_He looks up and does a double take._

**Hamton:** (Shouts, pointing) Look!

 _We pan over to a rather pleasant looking cabin accompanied by a thunderclap._ **Fifi** _excitedly claps her hands._

 **Fifi:** (Joyfully) Oh, hooray! We are saved!

 _She sprints towards the cabin._ **Hamton** _runs after her._

 **Hamton:** (Shocked) Fifi! Fifi, wait!

_Just as the skunkette reaches the porch, the pig seizes her wrist._

**Hamton:** (Breathlessly) Feef...let’s not be too hasty. I-It could be dangerous.

 **Fifi:** (With a raised eyebrow) Dangerous, Hammy? In vat way?

 **Hamton:** Wellll…

 _We enter an imagination sequence._ **Fifi** _knocks on the door and a hairy, grimy_ **Criminal** _wearing a black and white striped uniform jerks it open._

 **Hamton:** (Narrating) A dangerous criminal could be using it as a hideout.

 _The_ **Criminal** _grabs_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _and thrusts them into a burlap sack._

 **Hamton:** (Narrating) He might kidnap us so that we don’t blow his cover.

 _The_ **Criminal** _then throws the sack, with the pig and skunkette inside, into a pot of boiling water._

 **Hamton:** (Narrating) But then he might get hungry after eatin’ nothin’ but bread an’ water in prison. He might boil us alive an’ eat us!

_The imagination sequence ends._

**Hamton:** (Fretting) We’ll be pork chops an’...whatever you make outta skunks!

 **Fifi:** (Smirks) At least ah would give ‘im halitosis. Hammy, tu are worrying over nothing.

 **Hamton:** (Suspiciously) Am I though?

 _We enter another imagination sequence._ **Fifi** _knocks on the door and_ **Banjo Possum** _answers it. He seizes_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _and yanks them inside._

 _We cut to the other members of_ **Banjo’s** _family throwing_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _into a pot of boiling water._

_The imagination sequence ends._

**Fifi:** (Amused) Vat eez ze difference?

 **Hamton:** (Worriedly) Opossums carry several diseases.

 **Fifi:** (Giggles) Well, do not worry, mon Conniechon. Eef zere eez un dangerous lunatic dans zis maison, ah will not let zem get tu.

 _She knocks on the door._ **Hamton** _cringes in mortal terror. But, nothing happens._

 **Fifi:** (Calling) ‘Allo? Eez anybody zere?

_She raps on the door._

**Fifi:** (Calling) Please? Mah boyfriend et ah are lost dans ze storm! Can vous let us in?

 **Hamton:** (Clears throat) There doesn’t seem ta be anyone home… I wonder why.

 _He leans against the door...and falls through it as it swings open._ **Fifi** _crosses the threshold as_ **Hamton** _rubs his head._

 **Fifi:** (Musing) Zere must be un lightswitch somewhere…

_After fumbling about in the dark for a few minutes, we hear a click as the lights come on to reveal a rather pleasant and cosy front room._

_The lights are dimmed down low, and there are pictures of fruit hung up on the walls. There’s also a bearskin rug that resembles_ **Yogi Bear** _._

 **Hamton:** (Awestruck) Wow!

 _The camera cuts to the living room, where a fire is suddenly lit in the fireplace._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _scamper up to it, but the pig then scampers back to wipe his hooves on the welcome mat and closes the door._

 **Fifi** _warms her hands and her tail over the fire._

 **Fifi:** (Satisfied) Ahhhh… (Sighs) Vat luck! We ‘ave found somewhere to shelter et keep warm during ze storm. (To **Hamton** ) Trés convenient, no?

 **Hamton:** (Cheerily) Yeah! I guess I was bein’ kinda paranoid. (Excitedly) Oh, I nearly forgot! The kitchen has a garbage disposal! Look!

 _He zips offscreen. We cut to the kitchen, which looks so clean, it’s uncanny. Near the kettle is a familiar sandwich toaster._ **Hamton** _opens the fridge, awestruck at the huge amount of food inside._

 **Hamton:** (Excitedly) Boyoboyoboyoboy!

 _He empties the fridge and makes a sandwich. We cut to a luxurious looking bedroom with a double bed._ **Fifi** _admires herself in a gorgeous vanity._

 **Fifi:** (Sultrily) Ooh, la, la!

_She suddenly sees a perfume bottle and picks it up, staring intently._

**Fifi:** (Awed) Mon dieu! Zis perfume eez impossible to buy!

_She hugs it and then sprays it on herself, melting with joy._

**Hamton:** (From downstairs) Feef! They’ve got goose liver pâté!

 **Fifi** _squeals, reforms herself and darts downstairs._

 

**Act Four**

**Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _and_ **Cypress** _fly through the storm above the trees._

 **Plucky:** (Shouting) HAMMY?! FEEF?!

 **Shirley:** (Shouting) LIKE, WHERE ARE YOU GUYS, OR SOME JUNK?!

 **Cypress:** (Bemused, to **Plucky** ) Y’know, I’m 21 years old an’ this is the first time I’ve flown. I didn’t even know we could fly!

 **Plucky:** (Shrugs) Depends on the plot, I guess. (Looking down) You seen the lovebirds, yet?

 **Cypress:** (Frustrated) No, I see nothin’ but green.

 **Plucky:** (Sniggers) Try lookin’ down.

 **Cypress** _looks down._

 **Cypress:** (Dejectedly) I still see nothin’ but green. We’ll never find ‘em!

 **Shirley:** (Exasperated) Like, Cypress, we’re lookin’ for a purple skunk an’ a pink pig, ya can’t exactly miss ‘em in all that green.

 **Cypress:** (Indignantly) Don’t sass me, young lady! I thought you were tryin’ ta sense their auras.

 **Shirley:** (Sighs) It’s mondo hard ta sense an’ fly at the same time. (Beat) Hey, like, wait a minute! I...I can sense something coming this way!

 **Cypress:** (Hopefully) Is it them?

 **Shirley:** (Focusing) No...it’s mondo powerful...an’ painful.

_There is a flash of light and a burst of electricity. When it clears, the three waterfowl are burnt and charred._

**Plucky:** (Coughs) Ouch.

_They all plummet offscreen._

_We cut to_ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _sat on the sofa, wearing dressing gowns and drinking a hot beverage out of some mugs in front of the fireplace._

 **Hamton:** (Blissfully) Y’know, this would be my ideal house when I retire.

 **Fifi:** (Sighs) Oui, although eet eez impossible pour moi to forget about being ze President, ah could settle down ‘ere.

 **Hamton:** (Chuckles) Well, not here. This cabin belongs to someone else.

 **Fifi:** (Giggles) Where are zey, zen?

 **Hamton:** (Yawns) They’re out there somewhere. You never know. I mean, they might appear outta nowhere, at this very moment!

 _We abruptly cut to the waterfowl falling towards the cabin._ **Plucky** _lands headfirst in the chimney and gets stuck. Then,_ **Shirley** _collides with his behind, causing him to squeeze down the chimney, whilst she gets stuck in his place._

 _We cut to the fireplace, where_ **Hamton** _douses the fire._

 **Hamton:** (Knowingly) Many a Pig Scout will tell you that it’s important to put out a fire before you go to sleep.

 _We cut to the rooftop, where_ **Cypress** _collides with_ **Shirley’s** _behind, causing her to get unstuck and squeeze down the chimney, where_ **Cypress** _gets stuck in her place._

 _We cut to the fireplace where_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _abruptly crash down, sending up a cloud of soot._ **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _wheel round._ **Fifi** _holds her tail like a gun, whereas_ **Hamton** _brandishes a broom._

 **Hamton:** (Flabbergasted) Santa Claus?

 **Plucky:** (Sardonically) Ho, ho, ho.

 **Fifi:** (Surprised) Plucky? (Smirks) Or should ah say Professeur Canard?

 **Shirley:** (Groggily) And, like, don’t forget Melissa, or some junk! Oooooh…

 **Hamton:** (Puzzled) What’re you guys doin’ here?

 **Plucky:** (Outraged) What’re we doin’ here?!

 **Hamton:** Yeah, that’s what I said.

 **Plucky:** (Outraged) We came out here ta look for you! Remember, ya got blown away?!

 **Fifi:** (Giggles) Vous could ‘ave used ze door.

 **Plucky:** (Frustrated) We didn’t have much of a choice, did we?! We were flyin’ an’ we got struck by lightning!

 **Cypress:** (Offscreen) Uh, guys? Help! I’m stuck up here!

 _The four Toons look up the chimney and the camera pans up to reveal_ **Cypress** _wedged firmly in the mouth from her waist._

 **Shirley:** (Teasingly, to Cypress) Looks like someone totally needs ta take off a few pounds, or some junk!

 **Cypress:** (Defensively) This chimney’s not big enough! Pull me out!

 **Hamton:** (Calling up) Don’t worry, Cypress! There’s probably a ladder in here somewhere!

 **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _are about to step out of the fireplace when…_

 **Hamton:** (Offscreen) NO!!

 _They’re suddenly knocked back against the wall by a high pressure torrent of water. It washes the soot off of them. Choking and spluttering,_ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _stand soaking wet in the fireplace._

 **Hamton** _stares them down, snout to bill, toting a firehose._

 **Hamton:** (Incensed) Do you realise what you could’ve done?! It takes months ta get soot out of a shag carpet!!

 **Fifi:** (Briskly) Alright, now zat ZAT eez out of ze way, let us get Cypress down.

_She crosses to the door and turns the knob. The door doesn’t open._

**Fifi:** (Calling) Hamtone, where eez ze key?

 **Hamton:** Key? Uhhh, what key?

 **Fifi:** (Calling) From when we came in, cheri!

 **Hamton:** (Nervously) Th-There was no key, Fifi. The door just opened up.

 **Fifi:** (Confused) Zen, ‘ow do we get out? Ze door eez locked.

 **Hamton:** (Panic-stricken) Oh, no! We’re trapped!

 **Plucky:** (Exasperated) Aw, stop worryin’, Ham-Brain! Just climb out the window!

_He crosses to the window and takes hold of the handle. He gets a brief, but painful, electric shock._

**Plucky:** AGH! (Frustrated) What am I, some sorta electric conductor??

 **Shirley:** (Concerned) Why are the windows electrified?

 **Hamton:** (Chuckles nervously) Um...the owners are highly security conscious?

 **Cypress:** (Offscreen) Does this mean I’m stuck in here forever?!

_Suddenly, the camera pans out to reveal that someone is watching the group on a security camera. We can see other screens showing different rooms in the house._

**Monty:** (Offscreen) They fell for it. (Cackles) They fell for it! The goose liver pâté always gets ‘em! They’re stuck in my convenient cabin, right where I want ‘em!

 **Grovely:** (Offscreen) Master Monty, I know all about your plan, why are you telling me it?

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) Shaddap, Grovely! I’ve learnt that, if ya can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em! This is MY idea for a spinoff! Four Toons livin’ under one roof.

 **Grovely:** (Offscreen) Very good, Master Monty. Although, how do you intend to impress the people at Warner Bros? You need a gimmick.

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) That’s where my Acme Age-Alternator comes in. I rigged the house with it, so anyone inside will either become an anklebiter or a codger in seconds! Look. Everybody loves babies, right?

 **Grovely:** (Offscreen) Well…

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) Well, network executives do! So, maybe I’ll make a show all about two ducklings, a piglet and a skunk kitten livin’ under one roof! Observe!

 _We cut back to the cabin’s living room._ **Plucky** _,_ **Shirley** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _abruptly freeze and begin to shrink, suddenly wearing diapers and baby bonnets._

 **Shirley:** (Gurgles) Like, goo-goo!

 _She crawls around, accidentally knocking_ **Fifi** _down._

 **Fifi:** (Bawling) Le WAAAAAAAAAA!!

 **Hamton** _suddenly sees a DustBuster lying next to him._

 **Hamton:** (Coos) Ooh, dustbustew!

_The piglet starts bopping the DustBuster on the floor several times._

**Cypress:** (Offscreen) What’re you guys doin’ down there?! The blood’s rushin’ to my head! Get me down!

 **Grovely:** (Offscreen) So, this is your spinoff? A quartet of infants who do nothing but cry and do disgusting things because they’re not toilet trained?

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) Yeah, but they’re cute!

 **Plucky** _is about to stick a fork into a plug socket._

 **Grovely:** (Offscreen) It’s bad enough you’ve got loan sharks, but don’t let the social workers come after you, too.

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) Oh, alright. Killjoy. I guess these tots need a babysitter. (Beat) Hey! Everyone loves robots, right?

 **Grovely:** (Offscreen) Well…

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) Network Executives do! So...let’s give ‘em a robot babysitter!

 _We cut to the kitchen. With a mechanical whirr and a clank, the sandwich toaster suddenly converts back into_ **Spittoon** _. The robot butler has been seriously damaged and constantly short-circuits and moves in an erratic manner._

 **Spittoon:** (Sluggish) BabIeS RuLe...O.K?

 _The camera cuts to the four babies in the living room. They all stop what they’re doing upon seeing the malfunctioning_ **Spittoon** _clank towards them._

 **Spittoon:** (Sluggish) HeLlo, B-B-B-Baaaaaaaaaaaaabies! WhO wANts to PLay?

 _The babie’s eyes widen with fear. Green musk wafts out from_ **Fifi’s** _diaper._

 **Spittoon:** (Sings) If YoU’rE hApPy aNd you KNOw it, (Jams) clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap…

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) Man, that’s horrifying. (Shrugs) It can be a parody of a baby show!

 **Cypress:** (Offscreen) Guys...what’s with that creepy voice? And why does it sound familiar?

 **Hamton:** (Crying) WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

 **Cypress:** (Offscreen, sheepish) Well, don’t cry, I wasn’t talkin’ about you!

 **Spittoon:** (Jammed) Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap (Sings) Your hAnDs! If YoU’rE hApPy aNd you KNOw it, (Jams) clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap…

 **Grovely:** (Offscreen) With all due respect, this idea is most dull, Master Monty.

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) Shut up, Grovely. (Beat) This was a dumb idea. Let’s try thinkin’ outside the box. Hey! Everyone does baby shows, right?

 **Grovely:** (Offscreen) Yes…

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) So, I’m gonna do an old people show!

 **Plucky** , **Shirley** , **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _abruptly freeze and begin to grow, suddenly getting old and wizened. They’re hunched over with canes and hearing aids._

 **Spittoon:** (Jammed) Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap…

 **Plucky:** (Crankily, regarding **Spittoon** ) Hamton, there’s somethin’ wrong with this new-fangled telly-o-phone!

 _He hits_ **Spittoon** _with his cane, cracking his back in the process._

 **Hamton:** (Confused) Eh? Smelly old bone, ya say?

 **Fifi** _meanders up to_ **Spittoon**.

 **Fifi:** (Squinting, regarding Spittoon) Zat young Christmas cracker…

 **Hamton:** (Correcting) Whippersnapper…

 **Fifi:** (Regarding **Spittoon** ) Whipperznapper reminds moi of a 75 year old Johnny Pew.

 _She begins whacking_ **Spittoon** _with her cane._

 **Shirley:** (Absentmindedly) Like, I need the bathroom, or some junk.

_She creaks slowly offscreen._

**Shirley:** (Offscreen) Like, what did I come in here for, or some junk?

 **Cypress:** (Offscreen, moaning) Guys, stop playin’ around!

 **Plucky:** (Wheezes, to Cypress) Ahh, shaddap! And respect yer elders!

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) This isn’t working.

 **Grovely:** (Offscreen) How about you keep them at their normal age?

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) I got it! I’ll keep ‘em at their normal age!

 **Plucky** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _abruptly freeze and change back to normal._

 **Plucky:** (Baffled) What the heck just happened?

 **Shirley:** (Offscreen, confused) Like, how’d I get in the bathroom or some junk?

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) Okay, let’s see what we got here. Four teenagers trapped in a cabin. Two boys, two girls… That’s it!

 **Plucky** _,_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _abruptly freeze briefly before going back to normal._

 **Fifi:** (To **Hamton** ) Ah do not know vat eez going on...or ‘ow we shall get out…

_She seizes her boyfriend by the wrist._

**Fifi:** (Sensually) Mais ah suddenly ‘ave ze urge to be amorous avec tu.

_She drags him upstairs._

**Hamton:** (Happily) No complaints here!

 **Plucky:** (To the camera) What was that all about? And why do I feel the same way?

 

**Act Five**

**Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _scamper into a cosy looking bedroom and slam the door behind them, locking it._

 **Fifi:** (Amorously) Oh, mon Conniechon, we are alone at last. Whisper sweet nothings in ma ear.

 **Hamton** _scratches his head and then whispers in her ear._

 **Hamton:** (Whispering) Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie. A fly can’t bird, but a bird can fly. Ask me a riddle and I reply: Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie.

 **Fifi** _looks at him, nonplussed._

 **Hamton:** (Chuckles sheepishly) I still need ta get the hang of that.

 _Smirking,_ **Fifi** _suddenly pounces on him and they both fall offscreen. We cut to the upstairs corridor, where_ **Plucky** _is looking for_ **Shirley** _._

 **Plucky:** (Madly) Where’s Shirl? I want Shirl? I have urges!

 **Shirley:** (Sultrily) Oh, Pl-uuuuucky…

 _The camera pans over to a bedroom door that is partially open._ **Shirley’s** _hand beckons him in._ **Plucky** _suddenly goes nuts, hopping and cartwheeling around._

 **Plucky:** (Ecstatic) Hoo-hoo, Hoo-hoo, Hoo-hoo, Hoo-hoo!

_He calms down._

**Plucky:** (To the camera) Finally!

 _He scampers inside, the door closing behind him. We cut to the bedroom._ **Shirley** _is lying on her stomach on the bed. Her back is bare._

 **Shirley:** (Sultrily) Oh, like, Plucky, for some reason I can’t explain, bein’ in this cabin makes me mondo lovelorn. I want you for sure!

 **Plucky:** (Excitedly) Aw, man, Shirl! This is the best news I’ve ever heard!

 **Shirley:** (Lustily) I want you…

 **Plucky:** (Joyfully) Woo-hoo!

 **Shirley:** (Lustily) Ohh, I want you!

 **Plucky:** (Lustily) YES!!

 **Shirley:** (Lustily) I want you...ta massage my back.

 **Plucky** _sags to the floor and then shatters upon impact. His bill lands on top of the pile of green, white and orange shards._

 **Plucky:** (Confused) What?

 **Shirley:** (Stretches) Yeah, for some reason, I got a crick in it, or some junk.

 **Plucky** _reforms himself...poorly: his hands are where his feet should be and vice versa._

 **Plucky:** (Protesting) B-But, Shirley-shoo! I want you!

 **Shirley:** (Rolls her eyes) Like, I’ll massage yer back too, or some junk.

 **Plucky** _does a slow burn and shuffles towards the loon. Cracking his knuckles, and splintering his fingers in the process, he begins to massage his beau._

 **Shirley:** (Relaxingly) Like, oh, yeah. Yeah...little lower… little lower...Ohhhhhh…mondo gnarly… (Beat) Too low.

 **Plucky:** (Sheepishly) Sorry.

 **Shirley:** I didn’t say stop.

_We get a view of the two waterfowl from a security camera mounted on a corner of the ceiling._

**Monty:** (Offscreen) Okay, the pig and skunk are actually doin’ what they should, albeit bein’ gross, but what the heck are these two doin’?! This is boring!

 **Grovely:** (Offscreen) What did you expect from a pair of second rate avian?

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) Looks like I need ta up the ante!

 **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _abruptly freeze briefly before going back to normal._

 **Shirley:** (Amorously) Like, yeahyeahyeahyeah! C’mon, Plucky-poo! Use yer magic fingers!

 **Plucky** _very briefly looks taken aback. But then, he grins smugly._

 **Shirley:** (Ecstatically) Like, OooooooooooOOoooh!

 **Plucky** _is abruptly pulled down by an unseen force. We see green and white feathers flying upwards accompanied by kissing noises._

 

**Act Six**

**Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _lie in bed together, looking satisfied._

 **Fifi:** (Stretches) Mon dieu, zat was ze most satisfying cuddle ah’ve ever ‘ad.

 **Hamton:** (Eagerly) Even better than at Happy World Land?

 **Fifi:** (Considering) Well… (Beat) Oui. (Giggles) Mostly because we were not being filmed on ze insecurity cameras, no?

 **Hamton:** (Chuckles) True, but at least they gave us a nice picture...until Plucky scribbled on it.

_He yawns, wrapping his arm around the skunkette in the process. They snuggle together._

**Hamton:** (Sleepily) At least we can be sure we’re not bein’ watched in here.

_We get a view of the two animals from a security camera mounted on a corner of the ceiling._

**Monty:** (Offscreen) Nappin’ on the job? I don’t think so! Grovely?

_A loudspeaker emerges from the security camera._

**Grovely:** (Offscreen, to the tune of **“Revielle”** ) BA-DA-DE-LA-BA-BA-BA-DE-LA-BA-BA-DA-DE-LA-BA-BA-BA-BA! BA-DA-DE-LA-BA-BA-BA-DE-LA-BA-BA-DE-LA-BA-BA-BAAAA!!

_The pig and skunk are jarred awake._

**Fifi:** (Startled) Vat was zat?!

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) Alright, you two lovebirds, get back ta lovin’!

 **Hamton:** (Shocked) Who said that?!

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) I did!

 **Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _look around in different places: under the bed, in the closet, out the window, etc._

 **Monty:** (Offscreen, annoyed) No, over here! Over here! You’re gettin’ warmer...colder… How the heck d’ya expect me ta fit in there?! Ahhhh, forget it! I’m gonna check on the ducks!

 _We cut to the other bedroom._ **Plucky** _and_ **Shirley** _lie in bed together. For some reason,_ **Shirley** _has completely covered herself with the comforter._

 **Plucky:** (Incredulous) Well...we actually did it. We...hugged...and we…

 **Shirley:** (Muffled) Like, I know what we did, or some junk!

 **Plucky:** (Fidgets) Whew! Why’s this bed so hot?? It’s like an oven in here!

 **Shirley:** (Muffled) I’m mondo hot stuff, for sure.

 **Plucky:** (Fidgets) Man, why am I so itchy?! Feels like there’s somethin’ in the bed!

_As he fishes under the covers, the loudspeaker appears out of the camera in the room._

**Grovely:** (Offscreen) Wait a minute, Master Monty. If I may venture an opinion, you are running the risk of giving yourself away.

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) Whadda ya mean?

 **Grovely:** (Offscreen) Your gizmo may have powered up the lust of the four occupants, but they are not stupid. Mostly. They’ll recognise your far from dulcet tones and immediately refuse to do what you say.

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) Good point. I need someone else ta do the talkin’...

 _We suddenly cut to_ **Julie Bruin** _on the set of her show. The nozzle of a vacuum cleaner abruptly appears and sucks her up. We cut back to the mysterious room where Monty and Grovely are. There is a popping sound and then a thud._

 **Julie:** (Offscreen) Whoa, where am I?

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) Congratulations, world famous celebrity Julie Bruin, you’re hired. I want you ta read these lines into the microphone.

 **Julie:** (Offscreen, happily) Okey-dokey!

 _We cut back to the bedroom._ **Plucky** _takes out several white feathers, looking surprised at the discovery._

 **Plucky:** (Nonplussed) What the…? Hey, Shirl, I think the pillow’s burst or something!

 **Shirley:** (Flustered, muffled) Like, yeah, that’s it! The pillow’s totally busted!

 **Plucky:** (Concerned) Uh, Shirley-shoo? Why’re you hiding under the covers?

 **Shirley:** (Frantic, muffled) I’m mondo groovy! It’s just that I have, uh, morning breath!

 **Plucky:** (With a raised eyebrow) In the afternoon?

 **Shirley:** (Frustrated, muffled) Like, for Warner’s sake, it’s a cartoon!!

 **Plucky** _whips the covers off, and gives a shriek of terror. We pan over to_ **Shirley** _, who is lying on the bed amidst her white feathers. Her pink flesh has been exposed, and she is in tears. With an anguished howl, she yanks the comforter back over herself._

 **Shirley:** (Wails) I’m a freak! A freak!!

 **Plucky** _, who was sat in the fetal position in a corner of the room, slowly recovers._

 **Plucky:** (Shaken) Shirl? Wh-What happened??

 **Shirley:** (Weeping, muffled) Like, remember the egg? This is another part of growin’ up. After I...y’know… I...moult!

 **Plucky:** (Gulps) Is this gonna happen every time we...y’know…?

 **Shirley:** (Weeping, muffled) I don’t think so. B-But there’s no way anyone’s gonna love me now...I look like a Thanksgiving turkey!

 **Plucky:** (Chuckles) Well, y’never know. I might have an accident an’ go blind.

 **Shirley** _wails even louder._

 **Plucky:** (Gulps) Sorry, too soon, huh? (Clears his throat) Look, Shirl. We’ve both been through a lot during this crazy journey. And I’ve learnt more about you during this time than I ever did in school. (Chuckles) I ain’t good at these love speeches as Hammy is…

 **Shirley:** (Sighs, muffled) It’s funny, really. When people are in love, they have ta learn everything about each other, or some junk. At least that’s what my mom told me. But I never wanted you ta know about my private problems. I thought that maybe they’d not be a problem when I was with you. But look at me now. I’m some mondo ugly pink thing an’ I scared the life outta ya!

 **Plucky:** (Reassuringly) Hamton doesn’t have feathers an’ Fifi loves him!

 **Shirley:** (Flatly, muffled) Hamton and Fifi are mammals.

 **Julie:** (Offscreen) Hello, roommates!

_The waterfowl are startled._

**Julie:** (Offscreen) Welcome to Julie Brown… that’s supposed to say Bruin’s...Uh...what does this say? Love Shack! Yeah, Julie Bruin’s Love Shack!

 **Plucky:** (Bemused) Love Shack? At least we can’t sue for false advertising.

 **Shirley:** (Puzzled, muffled) Like, where are you, or some junk?

 **Plucky** _begins to scratch, green feathers flying off his body._

 **Plucky:** (Mutters) An’ why do I suddenly feel so itchy?

 **Julie:** (Offscreen) You guys are the lucky contestants of my new game show, where you’re locked in a cabin and the only way out is to love each other more than the other couple!

 **Plucky:** (Scratching) Is this for a TV Show?

 **Julie:** (Offscreen) What do I tell them? Oh, sorry, I forgot it was there. Yeah, it’s a test pilot! If it does well, you’ll be famous!

 _All of_ **Plucky’s** _feathers have fallen off, revealing his pink flesh. He shivers._

 **Plucky:** (Shakes) Whoo! Man, who turned on the A.C?

 **Julie:** (Offscreen) No wonder you guys have feathers, that’s just gross.

 **Plucky:** (Baffled) Huh?

_He looks down and sees that he’s now featherless._

**Plucky:** (Shrieks) AAAAAAAAGH!! It’s happening to me!!

 **Monty:** (Offscreen, cackling) Aw, man! That’s priceless! Green Daffy has been demoted ta Pink Daffy!

 **Grovely:** (Offscreen) Hush, Master Monty.

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) No, but seriously, we gotta do somethin’ about him, an ugly featherless duck ain’t gonna sell.

 **Plucky** _is now hiding under the covers with_ **Shirley** _._

 **Julie:** (Offscreen, coaxing) Aww, c’mon out, you guys. We don’t mind your freakish bodies.

 **Shirley:** (Muffled, sobs) Like, get lost!

 **Julie:** (Offscreen) What should I say? (Beat) Well, okay… (To **P &S**) Come outta there an’ face the camera, you cowards! Gee, that’s kinda mean…

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) Ah, these losers were subpar at best anyway! Let’s check on the pig and skunk!

 

**Act Seven**

**Fifi** _and_ **Hamton** _still look around for the disembodied voice._

 **Hamton:** (Pondering) Hmmm… as much as I want ta love you, Feef, I think we oughta leave. I reckon this house is haunted.

 **Fifi:** (Concerned) Mais, we cannot leave, cheri… (She kisses **Hamton** ) Ze door eez locked et ze windows are electrifying.

 **Hamton:** (Beat) Fifi… You don’t suppose this beautiful, cosy and convenient cabin is a trap, do you?

 **Fifi:** (Musing) Like un mirage dans ze searing desert, zis cabin came to us dans ze storm… (Beat) Oui. Ah think zis eez a trap.

_They briefly start making out._

**Hamton:** (Lustily) Wow, I sure love this trap! (Snaps out of it) No! No! We gotta get outta here!

 _He turns to the door but_ **Fifi** _stops him._

 **Fifi:** Wait, mon Conniechon. ‘Ow do we get out?

 **Julie:** (Offscreen) The only way out is to love! One another!

 **Hamton:** (Surprised) There’s that voice again!

 **Fifi:** (Suspiciously) Non, eet eez different. Eet sounds like Mademoiselle Julie Bruin…

 **Hamton:** (Incredulous) Wow! The bouncy bear from Music Television?

 **Julie:** (Offscreen) That’s right! Well Done, you two! If this show had a prize for problem-solving, you’d definitely win!

 **Fifi:** (Looking around) Show? Vat show? Show yourself!

 **Julie:** (Offscreen) If you look to your right, you’ll see a security camera on the ceiling!

_The pig and skunk freeze and look slowly up to see the camera. They sweat profusely._

**Hamton:** (Stammering) W-W-Was th-that recording our every move??

 **Julie:** (Offscreen, chipperly) Yep! You two really love each other!

 **Fifi:** (Outraged) ‘Ow dare vous violin…

 **Hamton:** (Correcting) Violate…

 **Fifi:** (Outraged) Violate our privacy! Vous ‘ave no right!

 **Julie:** (Offscreen) She has a point, y’know…

 **Fifi:** (Suspiciously) Quoi?

 **Julie:** (Offscreen) Sorry, girlfriend. Private conversation.

 **Hamton:** (Puzzled) Who’re you talkin’ to?

 **Julie:** (Offscreen) His name is...OW! The producer.

 **Hamton:** (Clears his throat) Can we talk to him?

 **Julie:** (Offscreen) Yeah, sure! What? Why are you shaking your head? (To **H &F**) I guess he’s shy. Although he seemed pretty assertive when he brought me here.

 **Fifi:** (Suspiciously) Where eez ‘ere?

 **Julie:** (Offscreen) Mo...OW! The producer says that’s not important. What’s important is that the four of you start loving! Because you’re in Julie Bruin’s Love Shack!

 **Hamton:** (To **Fifi** ) Love Shack? Clever name. Although this is a cabin, not a shack. But seriously, I don’t like this.

 **Fifi:** (Darkly) Moi either. We need to leave without zem seeing us.

 **Hamton:** (Panicked) Yeah, but how?

 **Fifi:** Do tu still ‘ave your vanishing cream?

 **Hamton** _takes it out._

 **Hamton:** (Happily) Yeah! Now we can be cuddly an’ they’ll never… (Beat, catches on) Oh, I get ya.

_The skunkette whispers in his ear. We cut to the unknown room._

**Monty:** (Offscreen, angrily, to Julie) Try not ta blow my cover, you airheaded bimbo!

 **Julie:** (Offscreen, defensively) Hey, I’m not good at ad-libbing! I’m just sayin’ what you write down! When’re you gonna let me go back to my show?

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) When we get some adequate footage of these losers!

_On the screen, we see green musk billow and engulf the camera._

**Grovely:** (Offscreen) Master Monty?

 **Julie:** (Offscreen, protesting) But neither of them are co-operating!

 **Monty:** (Offscreen, angrily) Then you’ll just hafta stay here forever!

 **Julie:** (Offscreen, outraged) You can’t do this to me! I’m rich!

 **Monty:** (Offscreen, angrily) I’m richer!

_On the screen, the musk cloud clears, and the room is empty. Then, the bedroom door opens seemingly of its own accord._

**Grovely:** (Offscreen) Master Monty?

 **Julie:** (Offscreen, outraged) You’re holding me prisoner! I’m tellin’ on you!

 **Monty:** (Offscreen, smugly) Not if you don’t escape!

 **Grovely:** (Offscreen, sardonically) Speaking of escaping…

 **Monty:** (Offscreen, exasperated) Whadda you talkin’ about, Grovely? (Beat) Where’d they go?

 **Grovely:** (Offscreen, complacently) Once again, Master Monty, you’ve let the intrepid band slip from your grasp.

 **Monty:** (Offscreen, laughs) Err, wrong, Grovely! They’re not goin’ anywhere! The cabin’s in lockdown! They’ve probably gone to the kitchen!

 _We fade to the upstairs hallway. We hear footsteps, but there is no sign of_ **Fifi** _or_ **Hamton** _._

 **Hamton:** (Chuckles) We did it! We’re gonna escape right under Monty’s schnoz!

 **Fifi:** (Satisfied) Oui, oui! Do tu still ‘ave ze cream?

_The jar floats in midair._

**Hamton:** (Happily) I sure do!

 **Fifi:** (Determindly) Bien! We shall need eet pour Plucky et Shirley!

_The camera pans further down the corridor and we see the two waterfowl creeping out of their room._

**Plucky:** (Reassuringly, to **Shirley** ) There’s gotta be some glue around here somewhere. Then we’ll have our feathers back on in no time!

 **Shirley** _stops._

 **Shirley:** (Whispers) Like, Plucky, stop.

 **Plucky** _abruptly bumps into nothing._

 **Shirley:** (Deadpan) Like, Feef an’ Hammy are headed this way, or some junk.

 **Fifi:** (Shrieks) AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!

 **Hamton:** (Yells) AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!

 **Plucky:** (Jarred) Wh-What?! What’s happenin’?!

 **Hamton:** (Beat, shaken) P-Plucky, what happened to you??

 **Fifi:** (Horrorstruck) Et vous, Shirley!

 **Shirley** _begins to cry._

 **Plucky:** (Sighs, looking around) Shirl an’ I… did… y’know, for the first time.

 **Fifi:** (Intrigued) ‘Ow vas eet?

 **Plucky:** (Looking around) Mostly pain, loss of feathers an’ shame. Absolutely nothing like how I thought it would be.

 **Hamton:** (Sympathetically) That’s perfectly natural, Plucky. It wasn’t easy for Fifi and me when we first...y’know.

 **Plucky:** (Flustered) Yeah, but I dunno if you’ve noticed but you guys ain’t birds. You don’t moult! (Frustrated) Where are you anyway?!

 **Hamton:** (Matter-of-factly) We’re right in front of ya.

 **Plucky:** (Stops) Wait a minute...you’ve got that vanishin’ cream on, haven’t ya?

 **Fifi:** (Cheerily) Oui. Vous are smarter zat vous look!

 **Plucky:** (To **Shirley** ) Shirley-shoo! I found the solution to our dilemma! We’ll just make ourselves invisible until our feathers grow back!

 **Hamton:** (Clears his throat) Well, we’re plannin’ on makin’ you invisible...but it’s to get outta here.

 **Shirley:** (Sobs) Like, even if we do make ourselves unseen ta human eyes, how will we get out? We’re trapped in here, or some junk!

 **Fifi:** (Sighs) We shall cross zat bridge when we come to eet. Right now, we need to be sure zat Mademoiselle Bruin does not see us on ze camera.

 **Plucky:** (Chuckles) Heh, with us bein’ invisible, anyone would think this cabin was haunted!

 _There is a beat._ **Shirley** _looks at her featherless boyfriend in surprise._

 **Plucky:** (Touchy) What?

 **Hamton:** (Happily) Plucky, you’re a genius!

 **Plucky:** (Smugly) I know.

 **Hamton:** (Conspiring) Maybe if we spook ‘em hard enough, they’ll get freaked out, givin’ us the chance to leave!

 **Fifi:** (Happily) Or, at ze very least, distract zem.

 **Shirley:** (Excitedly) Like, I could make things fly around, or some junk!

 **Plucky:** (Proudly) An’ I’ve watched enough scary movies ta give a terrifying performance! (Dismissively) Eh, but you’ll hafta sit it out, Hambone. Yer so not scary, ya make Bambi look like Hannibal Lecter.

 _Abruptly, there’s a thunderclap._ **Plucky** _leaps into_ **Shirley’s** _arms._

 **Hamton:** (Dramatically) I am thy father's spirit,  
Doomed for a certain term to walk the night  
And for the day confined to fast in fires  
Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature  
Are burnt and purged away. But that I am forbid  
To tell the secrets of my prison house,  
I could a tale unfold whose lightest word  
Would harrow up thy soul, freeze thy young blood,  
Make thy two eyes, like stars, start from their  
spheres,  
Thy knotted and combinèd locks to part,  
And each particular hair to stand on end,  
Like quills upon the fretful porpentine.  
But this eternal blazon must not be  
To ears of flesh and blood!

 **Plucky:** (Beat) Wow… Nice histrionics, Hamlet!

 **Hamton:** (Correcting) Actually, it was his father’s ghost.

 **Fifi:** (Briskly) Okay, mes amis, let us plan our petit show…

 _They get into a huddle, although you can’t see_ **Hamton** _and_ **Fifi** _._

 

**Act Eight**

**Monty:** (Offscreen) They’re not in the kitchen, not in the bathroom, not in the attic… (Growls) Where are they?! They can’t have just disappeared into thin air!

 **Julie:** (Offscreen, nervously) Maybe they’re dead…

 **Monty:** (Offscreen, dumbfounded) Dead? Impossible! They’re the main stars!

 **Julie:** (Offscreen, fearfully) Maybe one of ‘em snapped and murdered everyone else…

 **Monty:** (Offscreen, scoffs) Don’t be dumber than usual. Although, I always reckoned the pig could off someone if he was driven to the brink.

 **Grovely:** (Offscreen) Confining a group of Toons in one building could cause several repercussions.

 **Monty:** (Offscreen, snaps) Oh, don’t you start, Grovely!

 _They focus their attention on the living room, where_ **Spittoon** _is still malfunctioning._

 **Cypress:** (Offscreen) Guys? Hello? When are you plannin’ on gettin’ me out?!

 **Julie:** (Offscreen, shrieks) What was that?!

 **Grovely:** (Offscreen, musing) I’ve heard that voice before. But we have not seen her in the cabin.

 **Julie:** (Offscreen, horrified) It’s a ghost!

 **Monty:** (Offscreen, annoyed) THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS…!

_Green smoke briefly engulfs the camera lens._

**Plucky:** (Eerily) Juuuuuuuuuuuuulie….

 **Julie:** (Offscreen, screams) The ghost knows my name!

 **Shirley:** (Creepily) Produuuuuuuuuuucer…

 **Grovely:** (Offscreen, amused) The spectre also knows you, Master Monty.

_The green musk clears, and we see objects (such as table lamps and cups) floating around the room whilst the lights flicker on and off._

**Fifi:** (Screams) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!

 **Hamton:** (Menacingly) You have blood on your hands!

 **Julie:** (Offscreen, panicked) I do?? Oh, no! It won’t come off!

 **Fifi:** (Bloodcurdlingly) Vous forced us to love against our will… Et we loved ourselves to death!

 **Plucky:** (Bellows) MURDERER!!

 **Julie:** (Offscreen, sobbing) No, NO! I was just a pawn! Please! I’m a TV star, not a killer!

 **Fifi:** (Wailing) Le WOOOOOOOOO!

 **Shirley:** (Spookily) Like, BOO, or some junk!

 **Julie:** (Offscreen, weeping) It wasn’t me! It was this brat, Moncy!

_The objects stop floating in mid air and hover._

**PSH &F:** (Venturing) Moncy? Don’t you mean Monty?

 **Monty:** (Offscreen, nervously) Uh, no, no, no, she means Moncy!

 **PSH &F:** That voice sounds like Monty to us!

_The objects continue floating in mid-air._

**Plucky:** (Dementedly) Monty! We’re coming for YOU!

 **Shirley:** (Creepily) You will, like, totally pay for what you’ve done. And I don’t mean with cash!

 **Hamton:** (Screams) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!

 **Monty:** (Offscreen, scared) Ohh, no! Ghosts can’t get me if they’re dead! Spittoon! Self-destruct! 10 seconds and counting!

_The objects fall to the floor with a crash._

**Plucky:** (Nonplussed) Say what, now?

 **Spittoon** _takes out a rubber duck._

 **Monty:** (Offscreen, frustrated) No, not rubber duck! Self-destruct! Blast those spirits to kingdom come!

 **Cypress:** (Offscreen) Guys? Why are you actin’ all scary?

 **Fifi:** (Panicked) Ze chimney!

 **Hamton:** (Urgently) That’s our only way out! Hurry!

 **Spittoon:** (Sluggishly) 10...9...8…

 _The quartet scramble towards the fireplace. As they do so, the soot gets onto their bodies, revealing them to_ **Monty** _._

 **Monty:** (Offscreen, furious) Those phonies!! They weren’t dead!

 **Julie:** (Offscreen, relieved) Oh, thank goodness!

 **Monty:** (Offscreen, furious) But they will be!

 _We cut to the inside of the chimney._ **Hamton** _,_ **Fifi** _,_ **Shirley** _and_ **Plucky** _are scrambling up it._ **Cypress** _folds her arms in annoyance._

 **Cypress:** (Indignant) Well, it’s about time you…

 **Plucky:** (Hurriedly) No time to complain, Cypress, we gotta get outta here!

_As they reach the top, they begin to push against each other. Sweat runs down their foreheads as they heave, pressurised by the countdown._

**Spittoon:** (Sluggishly) 3...2...2...2...2...2...2...2...2...2...

 **Cypress** _twists her body in a certain angle, and suddenly, with a loud POP, she shoots out like a cork from a bottle._

 **PSH &F:** (Ecstatic) YES!!

_One by one, they climb out of the chimney and get onto the roof in the pouring rain. With no safe way down, they close their eyes, hold hands and jump._

**Spittoon:** (Sluggishly) 2…2...2...2...1...Goodbye.

_There is a deafening explosion. Wood, bricks and masonry fly everywhere and several trees fall down._

_We cut to a bush as bricks, cement and wood land around it. The quartet are in it, huddling in fear. The rain has not only washed off the vanishing cream but the soot as well._

**Shirley:** (Slowly realising) Like, we made it… we’re totally alive!

_With a cheer, they embrace each other, leaping around excitedly._

**Cypress:** (Offscreen, sheepishly) Uh, guys? It happened again.

 _The camera pans up to reveal_ **Cypress** _stuck in one of the trees._

 **Cypress:** (Disgustedly, regarding P &S) Who are those naked mole rats?

 **Plucky:** (Sarcastically) That would be Shirl an’ I, Cypress. Thanks for your concern.

 **Cypress:** (Blushes) Sorry. Th-think you could get me down? An’ how did you get like that?

 **Shirley:** (Exhausted) Like, it’s a mondo long an’ shameful story.

_The camera pans out as they begin to climb the tree to rescue the older duck._

 

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**CREDITS**

 

Written by: **Redtop95**

Creative Consultant: **Pepe K**

 **Cypress Duck** is owned by **Smallj85**

 

_We fade into the mysterious room._

**Monty:** (Offscreen, strategizing) Grovely, the time has come to resort to desperate measures.

 **Grovely:** (Offscreen) Kidnapping and attempted murder aren’t already desperate?

 **Monty:** (Offscreen) We gotta press on to Burbank. But, this time, I think I’ve got the advantage.

 _A handsome, virile and muscular young man walks into the shot. His bratty, scratchy voice instantly tells us that he is_ **Monty** _._

 **Monty:** (Smugly) I look like God’s gift ta women, an’ Green Daffy looks like roadkill!


End file.
